Category Archives: Sharing
Taking the time to write as I became aware of this morning’s first waking thoughts that tied so many pieces together of the last year or so since the day I stopped to read through my previous posts. Discovering that they all were many of the same layers, that kept spiraling back to a particular theme I was hoping I had resolved/untangled.
Once the awareness of the looping around, with very little progress forward… I stopped, aware of the mental notes of “how could I share with no sign/sense of progress”. Feeling lost, ashamed, confused…I didn’t quite throw the baby out with the bath water… I just quit writing and went within.
I took the time to learn, see, feel and experience my “almost” every thought. To discover what a cruel taskmaster/critic I had become of myself. Not knowingly, purposely, or intentionally… just a long standing habit of critiquing my every move.
I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. I’ve learned to treat each thought, movement, and situation as if I am a baby just learning to walk.
I admire each step, each time I let go of the chair, each time I move away from an old habit, get a new view. Every time I manage to live more fully now, in my awareness of just being. I’m now playing it forward.
Amazed at the plethora of information, ideas, impulses and opportunities that have always been there… But I was so “stuck” in the way an answer or solution should look, feel, or be for it to be the a next step.
I was going around in circles, basically chasing my own tail as I fought myself and my old habits of “not good enough” must do or be more, show my work. To prove I was allowed to take the next step.
It took the effort to slow down, find out who I was desiring to be “hidden away from the outside world” as I strove to be who “everyone” else needed or suggested I should be, so they would feel better.
As I allowed myself the time to begin again. I discovered the exhaustion in all the work of keeping up a front. I had learned so well how to make others happy so I could fit in, so they would just allow me to be there. Not realizing that “there” is an optical illusion I was so convinced was better than “Now”.
I’ve learned wonder in being fully present, aware, and participating in each moment as I react in the awe of slowing down, knowing each thought has the feeling I choose to assign to it. My life has opened up to the wonderment and delight of being a child again. Exploring, allowing, becoming as I let my interest, my desires and my dreams up, and out to the Universe to fulfill in all the ways I didn’t even realize… Because like a baby, learning “I Just Didn’t Know”. Now I let my curiosity and delight guide me.
I bless you are feeling fully present.
May the space of time you read this post in, also be time you take to breathe a little deeper. May it invite you to allow yourself to consciously receive love, from God, Source, All That Is and Me to you.
I am at peace here. My months of clearing, cleaning, and reestablishing my priorities for Me… Found me meditating, reflecting and spending many hours soaking up the time of re-discovering my true self with the joy in just being in my life and with my horses.
The first part of this year I was beginning my journey with Scoozi. With our series of starts, stops, stalls, flips and an abrupt dismount. I started to ask myself a lot of questions about what it is that “I truly do and have always wanted to do with my life”? How could I best serve in a way that is useful, unique, and true to me? In a way that felt…. right… fun and all ME!.
This time allowed me to truly look at, revise and reassess my past experiences. Finding the best way to see each memory that came to mind. Aware from my recent reminder of Wayne Dyer’s “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” A new, deeper list of self intentions was born.
Because I have become so clear in my desire to listen to my deepest dreams. To truly connect with my horses despite a very busy world of suggestions, directions, ultimatums and others ideas for me. I was able to align with my innate truth without allowing the world to distract me.
I have becoming more fluent in Horse/Human/Self connection. Aware of my old buried roots of intuitively knowing how to truly listen, feel, and connect with horses and peoples “feelings”… Because I know so thoroughly about shutting down my own personal unique ideas, for the reasoning’s from others. “Shut up, do this, wear that, because they said so.”
I have become more fluent in Self… Owning my walk, talk, looks, dreams, desires and abilities.
Supporting others by truly listening to what they hope they are saying. Versus what their bodies, inflections and words are actually communicating. Assisting them in finding their truth, their voice, their own unique signatures and styles.
I am back, and aligned with my true self. Sharing this because it’s so important to carve out time to listen to one’s heart whisper, to listen and discover… what is calling.
To recognize having a desire to learn something, to align with a cause, to start something new, or and this one is tricky – to let someone or something go…
Be brave, dear one, trust your gut…
Drop the current narrative for just a moment.
Listen… your heart is calling you.
And watch for the magic that unfolds!
I have spent the last few mornings opening and perusing my many uplifting emails from others. Always easily deleting the off-key nonessential ones that always contribute to my ability to choose what I allow into my mind. For me to find myself opening an email from another like to my blog which has been lying dormant, as the new seeds of certainty slowly spring to life. Opening up the husk of long held close reverence to the confidence that I have been fanning from a tiny old spark, to this consistent rising flame of life!
Life from beneath the ashes where I once quelled, lying shaken and afraid from my allowing a well-known critic (in my circle) to slash my last book attempt to fragments for “My Way” of connecting to others from my learnings with people and their horses. Allowing another’s power of “their” opinion to have any say whether I was good, or not…
So I retreated…
Deep inside to the murky waters of doubt that seemed to be so warm, safe, comforting…
Only to discover they were only concealing the truth of how truly powerful and awesome I was to those who needed and understood the view “I” was coming from. They are the ones whom I write and share for. There are many who might critique, complain and condemn my ways… But they are not of importance to me, except for how they remind me to look forward at my ability. Never back to the old ruts of OPO (other people’s opinion) that use to be the trap I so easily fell into.
This morning’s email being the third time this week that I have received thanks and likes about blogs that I had previously written months and years ago. Before I finally was caught in the deep old waters of fear that so easily encourage me back to their depths for the false safety of doing without movement forward, just resting in the their dark, murky depths…
No… I choose to rise!
Just this last week I went from just riding, interacting, and socializing fully with my horses, especially “Charlie” and my students. I am fully embracing, loving all of life again with biking 2 miles and walking 1 mile every day. Now finding myself, feeling amazingly alive because I choose to believe in myself, in my ability and right to do things my way in everything I do. Knowing and trusting those who need what and how I write, will find this to be blessed, encouraged or just amused at how easy it is to just “breathe”, take “baby steps” and the world will support you being fully true to Yourself! It is always Time!
What a word to wake up to, after having the cat jump up on my bed sneakily attacking any movement I made as I slowly stirred from several previous attempts to go back to sleep with just the short 6 hours accomplished from when I first crawled into bed.
As I lay lazily trying to distract the five pound kitten from his feed or play with me mode that was intruding upon my morning attempt to visualize my day’s programming. I felt this insistent urge to actually move, get up, readjust the heating blanket to just slightly warm and then go feed this persistent animal whose main focus is himself, right “NOW”.
After getting the kitty fed and crawling back into the warm covers quickly pulled over my head to block out the morning light, so I could lay in meditative thought over the words and phrases that were wandering through my mind. Slowly forming a more solid awareness over the cause of the last few weeks of the various ups and downs in my weight, my finances and my relationships, well aware of how all of this was a message to myself. A simple form of communication as I have been trying to tune back into of the synchronicities happening “to me” to find the threads that weaved them all together into the simpler flow of life I have been seeking to find.
Realizing I have been trying to get “In Sync” with me, with each of these tiny little forays in the various directions after I would have a thought which formed into an actual desire made manifest, just not quite what I was aiming for.
Though I was getting “literally” exactly what I was requesting. Every one of the manifestations had these “flags” with them, that I ambled right through, over and around, which is so easy to say now in my looking back. Yet the thing is, even though I subconsciously knew this, I continued on because “wow” I caused this by asking for it, so this must be “the answer”. Now realizing I am great at getting exactly what I ask for every, single, time. I just need to be really aware of what I truly am thinking or saying to myself.
The request for a tall, artistic, lives close, is interesting and fun… was those, but… texting instead of talking, etc??? Re-worded the request for conversation, someone to talk to… I then received an evening phone call that was male, cowboy, single, finds me intelligent, listening, but… all about him, no investment for anyone else, much less me. Discovering as I would randomly and just as quickly re-word my request for a preference. I would just as quickly manifest a response. Now realizing how much I need to slow it down, really start to listen to my thoughts and my “whole body’s” response to them. And damn if I didn’t notice I am not in full sync with myself… yet.
But that’s okay. Because I am here, writing it out, stepping around it, looking at all that “I” created and applauding myself on how fast “from my mouth to God’s ear” or more of my thought to my creation via the Universes response. Aware now of the power in every chosen thought, word, and idea that I do so powerfully teach and share for others by assisting them in hearing what it is they actually are saying, versus what they thought or intended to mean. I am really, really fine tuning me to be “In Sync” with all of me, slowing down to “Think and Feel”, “Feel and Think”.
This instant manifestation thing happens to each and every one of us every moment of the day, we just have to be aware of what it actually is we are asking, requesting, and thinking about. Our sub-conscious takes everything we think, say or do into consideration. It is not particular, segregated or prejudice. It loves us and believes every single idea, thought, belief and feeling we perpetuate. It is at our command… Hmmm… I love it “All of me” truly, truly matters.
Having taking a six months hiatus from writing to just observe the world and the reflections of where I am at “NOW” this word describing life to the fullest, because now is never before or after it is always the present moment.
I took a step back to find where and how my trained habits of unconscious thoughts were still running my life. I watched, I observed, and found what I didn’t like, once uncovered, noticed and understood… then I could change it, rearrange it, stop it, and find a different way to be.
As simple as that may sound, it takes absolute participation in each and every moment. Full awareness of the words I speak to… myself, others, animals, things, and circumstances, to become so in tune to hear me actually communicating with me in every present moment.
I have taken on a temporary job at a convenient store in an attempt to meet other non-horse people in this small town where I have lived for 11 years. Fascinated at all the untruths I had been locked into by beliefs I have been taught are real. About what to wear, do, be, or think for me to be okay. Fueled on by this immense desire to be free… of feeling wrong, needing to be right, or justifying things I do to fit in.
At the same time still training, coaching and teaching others as my life saver to sanity in this search for relief. Finding my immense fascination with words and their definitions receiving a huge update of possibilities to the once limited ones I had previously believed. I discovered that normalcy can and does change sometime in hours, minutes, moments, much less miles, weeks, and years.
Life is changing, evolving, constantly becoming more than it was yesterday, whether I allow it or not. I just hadn’t realized how hard I had been clinging to the side of this immensely flowing, ever changing river of life. Until thankfully 4 weeks ago, one of my own horses, unceremoniously, bucked me off as my mind moments before was not on my riding, but on this huge list of things that needed to be accomplished for me to get to my agreed upon “part time job” in helping out another. The job I had let spiral into as much as 55 hours or more a week, thinking as I was riding how I so needed to get back to the agreed upon 25 or less hours so I could live my life by reveling in the work that I so love doing and enjoying life.
Suddenly as I was spinning through the air, realizing I had not paid attention to the now suddenly loose girth on my horse, which caused the saddle to slip up over his withers as he stumbled and I lurched forward, he took to hard jumps and here I found myself laying on the ground, begging for the next breath to refill my now aching empty lungs.
My next thoughts were: I am supposed to be taking care of myself so I can help others. Not run me ragged as the sacrificial do-gooder, make everyone else okay and comfortable. Shine my light of understanding on everyone else but myself. Followed by “yes Universe, I was thinking about saying something, but…” excuses for not being in the total present moment and bam, “now my body demanded I take care of myself!”
Today marks 25 days of sleep, personal pampering, chiropractor, magnets, stretching, huge increase of water and breathing exercises, to find the biggest gem of my train wreck, seems all of my fears were stressing me out, and stress is dis-ease.
My current horse in training showing me how deeply entrenched I still had old habits of not enough-ness pushing my buttons. She is gorgeous and prettier when her ears are up and interested, not back and awaiting the next command. She has to be mentally and physically right; it is encoded in her genetics to survive in the herd a horse needs to find comfort in their placement.
In first acquiring her with a body of stiff, unyielding muscle and emotional habits of taught response to each piece of equipment and the movements of the humans she has encountered. Dealt to her not by uncaring, mean or vicious others, but by those who like me who were taught that there is this time line in which things must be accomplished. Pushing her to do things in a desire to fit another’s ideas of how she should be by such and such date. I received into my care a young horse, so tight, and bound up by being forced into a physical style that her body took and took, until she chose to behave exactly how she felt and refused to fit in. Until with timing and patience I am getting her to understand things can be different. I am listening, and I am allowing her to find what works best for her to be comfortable and move in time with a human.
So much like I now find myself… alive, able to choose, able to sense my next thought, feeling, idea or movement that fits me in every waking moment of the day, trusting my intuition with simple conscious awareness of what feels best for me. To share, to keep, to experience, and to coach others in finding their own unique signature and styles… One person, one animal, one breath, one moment at a time!!!
This is my understanding of the last 7 years of searching every corner of my world… for me. With some incredible ups and downs to finally arrive at a place today I have been awakened to many times in my life. Some awakenings were extremely abrupt, painful, and physical. Other times the blows were just huge emotional disasters… all of those were attached to my personal worth/value which at first seemed tied to my finances, business, or family. Where always I would get to some place emotionally where the only place left to turn was inside…after I tried all of the rest of the ideas, plans and information that was present at the time to fix what was wrong.
Thankfully I would get worn down, tired and finally go with in. I would have some truly incredible awakenings, all of them now in looking back, always pointing to the same answer from several totally different views of the exact same answer of “unconditional love”. Which then I would try and continue to live and feel what I had learned.
I would get going again, then right back to the bottom to start over. Search, struggle, read, work, sweat, change, always wonderfully helping so very many others, but still sensing there was more to this, as I would then get glimpses of my deepest desire… and off I would go running after it and not taking the time to check in with my inner being.
The last few weeks have been this incredible journey in trusting my inner self. Which through the teachings of Neville, TUT, Abraham, and a whole slew of others, coming at me from so many directions faster than I could ask the next question in my search to know the truth about me and life.
Wonderfully aware of the many signs, symbols, and indications from the Universe that God was still directing me. I would just get so caught up in trying to do “it” (whatever the current flavor of teachings that was on my plate) that I would stop the conversations with myself. Floundering along, solidly studying, listening, and working at getting this new thing right, perfect, and polished, only then to fail to feel truly okay.
I was great at being a detail artist, a photo copier; an actress playing the part to make everybody happy, as I gave the right answers to see that others were taken care of and that they felt okay, too. Then I read a sentence on a page that caused me to pause, igniting the ember that still glowed inside. Today a post that caused the flicker of a flame that lapped at my heart, asking “are you listening?” I stayed with it, going slowly, feeling for the next question to ask, which “Okay God, now what?”
Another piece of information, slowly savored, then carefully asked “And… God? ” Till question by question, answer by answer… I found what I have been searching for “being honest to and with myself over what it is “I” truly desire” and the answer shocked me. Because I have been writing to myself for years, just in my sharing what I have written with others, I have allowed the comparison of another’s response to my sharing, to cause me to edit me to fit in.
This whole problem of manifesting my desires has all been sidetracked by my not staying honest and true to me. In a nutshell its these words I found just an hour or so ago:
Manifest Your Destiny
Know the condition between manifesting your heart’s desire and unconditional love. Unconditional love is the energy of the universe; it is what God is, and, therefore, what you are as well. Without your connection to this love, you lose your connection to the creative process.
You cannot attract to yourself that which you are already connected to if you short-circuited the connection. The presence of unconditional love is in all things that you wish to attract as well as in you. Keep it honest, and you keep your ability to know that ye are a god. Lose it, and you lose your godliness. It is that simple.
Remind yourself of this when you ask why your desires aren’t showing up in your life. The answer will invariably have something to do with an absence of unconditional love some place in your inner world.
A while ago I found a poem I wrote 7 years ago this month that I stopped when driving down the road to write it down. Instead of letting it guide me by letting me know what I desired was coming to me. I proceeded to go out and make the words fit each and every circumstance that looked like a possibility…Never, ever, ever, listening to the words I was saying to myself in my mind: “I can do this. I can work with this. This is okay, its close!”
I had gotten incredibly good at being anything and everything but “Honest With and Listening to Myself!” I had learned to do what I was told it was supposed to take to be me, by listening to everyone else but me! God made me in his image…of me!
Lesson learned when you desire something, really flesh it out…with yourself, for yourself, and by yourself. Then allow the Universe, God, or Divine Providence to guide you to allowing it to show up. Should an idea come to you that it is so strong that wild horses couldn’t stop you… Go for it! If you get just an urge, write it down. Trust yourself, for you are the only inhabitant of your body. Talk to yourself and listen to the conversations you have with yourself… ALL OF THEM! Start changing the ones that don’t feel good, improve the others and keep the rest! Feel crazy doing it…then don’t tell anyone till after the desire comes true! I Am only me and I Am Amazing!!
My student arrives, we unload her horses, feed mine, head out to pick up the new horse with her filling me in on the things we will work on her two horses for when we get back. She is driving and helping in exchange for lessons. When we get there, we both notice the cutie helping out who is introduced as a college, roper, cutting horse riding cousin. Ashley introduces herself, says he looks familiar and he fills us in on his experiences animal and college wise till they figure out a possibility.
We begin checking out the horse, within 10 minutes all involved know she and her new owner will definitely benefit from the whole month package. I get out the contract, she is filling it out, and up walks cuties dad, who introduces himself and comments on me being about 30…. I tell him load up, he can come with me.
Grinning we get the horse loaded and head to the house. With the new horse’s owner following to see the rest of my evaluation and take her 4th lesson. We get to the place, the horse unloads easy, starts stiff, uncomfortable as I walk her through my asking, listening, feel for me, breathe, try and reward for each right step. Getting to the place of me teaching her to move over when tied, giving to pressure, then ask for the each foot, where the telltale signs of inconsistency shows and whack out she lashes with her hind foot when I work my hand down her leg. Takes thirty minutes, till she is comfortably giving, allowing me minimal handling and cleaning of all four feet, a perfect place to end day one.
The new owner shows her nervousness in the first few minutes of her lesson. A lot of the stress brought on by her wanting this 18 year old give-away to be good, safe prospect for her. Once she begins to breathe, relax, then know that she has done the best possible thing in finding me and trusting me with her very long dream of having her own horse. This is the lady who at 32 was just given her first riding lessons last week. We get done, she is pleased with herself for learning a little bit more today, and realizing things are working out for her.
Pays me, then she and her mom drive off, to suddenly turn around and come back to tell me her dad is headed this way bringing the hay. I tell her that is fine and start with my student’s lesson, first with the saddle fitting and as we are getting her first horse underway with groundwork. Up drives the dad with the cutie and the cutie’s dad all whom after they unload the hay, start socializing, the young cutie makes a beeline to socialize with my student who teases him into getting on my main horse. He starts asking me all the right kind of horse questions; I am eating up all of these great inquiries and the good looking friendly horsemen. Then it’s off they go and back to lessons and riding. My day ends with my truck parts on back order, the meeting of some really nice unexpected people, having fun comparing notes with a favorite student about horses and good horsemen. All of this money coming in from the horse, hauling, and bus checks were given out today.
I know the rest of the pieces are easily and quickly coming in to place, because twice today I got to talk and tell about my future plans for my upcoming new facilities. God I love coming in here and sharing with all of you awesome people. Doubly so, because I get the privilege of writing, sharing and seeing what old stuff starts to come out, to change it for the best possibility before I post and share!
Suddenly there he was realizing, he was in it alone to figure out. Started talking out solutions, expecting answers, help, or contributions, still nothing, until he made an actual decision to just make do with what was there. He ended up making salad, with a sausage, pasta, marinara combination. It was simple, it was good, he did all the steps, by himself.
Though the kitchen took a toll, which started with almost the same routine, I just caught myself in time for “us” to get it cleaner than when I came home. All of it made more possible with a change in my perspective, I am learning to give myself permission to allow him to rant, ramble, fumble, and then decide he is responsible to do his part. Team work, partnership, part of what makes this place a home, two people live here, two people can do so much more than one, and being allowed to make a creative mess, is doing something. Little baby steps for him learning to do it alone. Big baby steps for me, to leave him to figure it out, better when as I learn to keep my mouth closed, not respond the habitual way I use to. Breathing, sighing, as I listen for the timer on the oven, for the chocolate mint cake, I finally had to make, to taste the batter, sweetly, on my tongue… A full mouth is so much easier to keep closed! 😀
I wake up, and spend the day thinking about the dream and this challenge… My two friends and I are meeting once a week. We are building the master plan for the arena, classes, and facility. We will be coming up with our Mission statement, proposing the horse class to the principals who have inquired about it. Work on getting writing done for grants and find a way to get all of this oilfield money to become invested in this community. I am continuing to write, aiming to include as much of my daily lessons and observations into it, to be presented some time in this 45 days to several of the inquiring businesses. Looking forward to hosting at least one clinic for the local school teachers, and smiling all the way to the bank!
That is a whole lot…but I am worth it!
Cold, crisp and clear with just the hint of pink fog off the river down below the hill and with an extremely clear sky, more differences to note as I fed. Came in for coffee and biscuits, the desire for the phone numbers presently still lost to me in my locked up phone, till I can go into town to get it repaired. So a quick email for the most important numbers is sent out to those I communicate with most often. Which interestingly enough set off a chain of events when two of the contacts put in calls promptlyback to me so I could just save the numbers. Both of them also calling with more information about the proposed arena and school, their views, ideas, and thoughts, each agreeing to stop in later to talk. About then I noticed the time, signed off and started getting ready for the day’s schedule.
First horse still moving slowly after his mishap with the fence, though still readily listening and following my body and my mood as I noticed the time, which corresponded perfectly with the arrival of my lesson. She is standing straighter, moving easier as we start her lesson. I notice her intent, her desire to learn more and expand her knowledge both about horses and this energy work I do. We have a really good, moving forward lesson, with her easily and aptly asking more questions, doing lots of thinking until her eyes light up, as she realizes her body has found the right feel and movement. She suddenly quits trying to think her way forward and allows the rhythm and movement of the dance as the feeling of partnership finds her. When we get to the end of the session as I am doing my normal follow up questions, she remarks to me how she appreciates what all of this paying attention to how her energy reacts with the horse’s has done for her. Providing her with the information she has been looking for as to why she attracted the kind of men from before. She has discovered her boundaries are changing just in the two short sessions we have had. We set the time for the next session, say our goodbyes and I grin knowing I am receiving conformation from the Universe I am going the right way.
Then both of my friends from earlier, pull in the drive way with in minutes of each other, turns out they have met before under different circumstances. We all laugh at the synchronicity of life. Then I show them the area under consideration, we each contribute our ideas and for the next 30 minutes have a short introductory of where we each coming from, setting up a general game plan to meet again in the next three days. Each person required to make notations of any and every idea, to then have a sit down, pow-wow to come up with the major mission statement and ways to tie all this stuff into a long range business plan. Every one leaves jazzed and prepared to take more steps toward our overall dream. The best part being it is so much easier to share with like-minded individuals… I so feel good about my life, my dreams, my steps forward and upward.