Category Archives: Struggle
Wasn’t sure just where to start… figuring I would let it flow and see what came about in my awareness of living life with the Heart I now find at the very edge of each and every thought. As I have been soaking up the newness of change… in my own beliefs, words, and realizations from others experiences so lovingly shared and found when one searches. Necessary from my previously unknown tendency to take “to heart” and become what others needed me to be so they might be happy.
Thankfully, whenever I last wrote here, a few days later I was sent a notice that another person was following my blog, so I went back to read one of the post they liked. Which led to my reading two other post I had written months apart, yet basically just loops of the same place I was struggling in. I stepped back. Tried to look around to truly see as best possible of where I was. To start clearing, cleaning, changing and feeling for what was it I was truly “Wanting”!
This last weekend found me deep within connecting to my self in an entirely new profound way. I was looking into my own eyes, feeling my focus for what I saw… was I truly looking inside of me, or just at the physical aspects of me? How was I thinking? From the thoughts of what my looks were or where my looks were radiating from…
I have a new 3 ½ year old filly. The first day I went to see her I had a flash of intuition of who she truly would become. Loaded her up and she came home with me. Starting with… vet, wormed, chiropractor, farrier, 60 days ground work of her consistently “taking directions”… noting how aware she was of guarding her right side. Slow, careful, consistent 21 days under saddle.
Day 22… noted how old the earpiece on the bridle was (to be changed later). Which found me hard on the ground minutes later, after her panicked run into the fence when the bridle broke at the buckled spot and she tried to get away from this swinging piece near her eye. I “panicked” by physically making sure we did not run through the fence as she started to collide with it. Once turned she immediately unloaded her once confident rider, and two jumps later as I am refilling my lungs with air. She turns and walks back up to me with reins and bridle dangling from around her neck to find out what was so scary.
Healing is a mental thing, I knew I had missed something… I stopped and went back to the start, with slow, observant ground work. When I happened to reach over to the right side of her face where the bridle gave and found the still, very acute panic that had been apparent in her at the beginning. That which I had “obediently trained” her past. Suddenly having a very strong memory of my ole man “Chic” and the fear so strongly present in him when I first finally got to own him, and the months of slow, careful, conscious time earning his trust. Realizations of who I was and what I have been missing in my assisting others to change, all of these many years later after he died.
I forgot the Heart, Soul, and Look of Eagles when the light goes on because another knows you are listening to “ALL” of them. Seeing another as who they see themselves to be. Not who others think they should, could or ought to be.
Acutely aware of the time I went to a rodeo type event when I first moved back here and won 5 of the 7 events, placing 2nd in the others because I had to learn them minutes before competing. So relishing the comrade of being noticed, talked to and “accepted”. Highly aware of the one common comment “What I did was awesome BUT how much faster I would be when I learned to do it like they all did!”
Basically I went to clinics… untaught, untrained and disciplined myself to obediently follow the guidelines, finding the winnings getting less and less. Unless I started a beginning rider or horse with my self taught basics. From which they would start winning, only to be enticed to other stables so they could fit in and “Really Win”. I’d lost my own heart, trained it obediently away and didn’t even know it.
Thankfully I have never given up, just learned to slow down, start over and examine “everything!” Which blissfully led to this last weekend with my three different horses, now with a heartfelt connection to me, as I am looking and treating them as full valuable partners. Allowing them to know we are doing this together, step by step. The reward in their letting down, letting in, and amazed at the immense physical releases of their years worth of just “being obedient” yet having no real say in the partnership.
The run, run, hurry, hurry, everyone wants it now! Why aren’t you riding, trotting, loping, winning or on them yet demands. I had bought into the outcome, quantity, and “other peoples” wants for the mount to be just ridden and controlled. Their horses obediently following directions and going through the motions.
Not the quality and class of bringing the whole horse I am so capable and available to assist others in finding. The “Look of Eagles” in their eyes in full partnership, each a full half of the team. The team that sparkles and shines because of the connection of being powerful beings “Together, calm, connected, confident, classy, full Partners in Heart.”
I retire to be able to drive, but he did walk in to find instructions about being ready, on his own, when I leave at 5:20. I woke up, got ready, tried to walk through the house to just start my truck, and then go get my coffee. Leave him to figure things out, but the guilty mom snuck up, grabbed me, forced me to walk to his room door and state I was leaving. Where the struggle began, him begging me to wait, help him find all his stuff. I started to and then argh… made my coffee, told him to call me when he got to the bus yard. I was now late, I was leaving! I got to the yard, aggravated with myself, started my bus, asked to be notified when he showed up. It was 32 degrees and the bus mechanic, said I was mean. I stated my son is now 14, he is 6 foot tall, plays football and it is only 2 miles from the house to the bus yard. I drive worrying, annoyed, and hoping/sort of knowing I did the right thing.
At 6:05 I get a call on the radio my son has arrived. I breathe. At 7:05 they call again to say he has left the barn to walk the 4 blocks to school. I will get through this.
Go buy feed, come unload feed, feed all the animals and get out my equipment to ride. Still reminding myself I can do this. Spy my contracts sitting on desk that need to be updated… the next thing I know I have completely re-done them, and started a redraw on my logo. Feeling really good with all of this organizing and creativity, check my email and read the post from others at the Challenge. Cool one about my last name Friske and nickname Cat. A couple of suggestions about my logo, now feeling much better I go to ride, five horses, and all of them struggling a little (I keep breathing and they get better) till we find the place of openness and understanding.
The UPS guy drops off my late Christmas order, my new card arrives, a lot to play with for later this week. I go back to work, noticing all the silence as I drive with my regular phone down and the new temporary one has no music. I get my mind almost back to peaceful as my afternoon run is done. Just in the going to get my son I can feel myself preparing to defend myself before I even talk to him. Making for a spewing off of the new rules so that I have a life, he has a life, we will find a middle ground.
I meander in here to write, check off he volunteered to fix supper. I am tired, I am going to figure this out, not all at once but at least I have it identified. Am going to eat, watch a funny movie, take the shortest route to sleep and congratulate myself cause I kept to just frustration, creativity, and accomplish posting this… It will get better!