Category Archives: Tiredness
First time in a very long while that the desire to write actually brought me to stop, sit down and just let my fingers follow the awareness’s found today.
This morning found me busy, doing all the things so that everything was in place, and ready for my two Sunday lessons. Round pen watered, horses fed and hayed, all equipment out, available and in place, with a last minute check to see if anything else needed to be done, so that things were just right.
Two hours later, found my students happy, successful, sweaty and glowing with their personal accomplishments. And me in the conflict after scheduling the next set of lessons, even earlier in the morning to avoid as much of the Texas heat as possible.
I was soaked in sweat, hair, shirt, most of my jeans, but at least my socks and shoes were dry and though heavy easy to slip off as I walked back into the welcoming cool of the house. After tending to the washed and watered off lesson horse, to send him and the other two loose for the rest of this Sunday. Aware of the feeling of my every thought, the heat, taking care of all others first, the reality of how great my place looked in perfect order.
Yet I could feel something was off. Aware of the tiredness from last night’s closing shift at 11, in bed by 12 to the early alarm at 7. All of this calculating, planning and double checking… felt off. I got myself some more water, started up a solitaire game, turned on some Abraham Hick’s, to feel the words soaking through my last few weeks of house cleaning to get to the bottom of this peculiar off feeling, permeating my skin at every move.
My eyes became heavy, as my entire body demanded rest, I flipped on a meditation and allowed it to take me away. Awakening to this feeling of recognition of an answer… to find the upside down heart my meditation afghan had formed, tossed off in my body’s desire for super cooling down. The answer ringing in my ears, as I replayed, then wrote out the entire end of the Abraham from earlier to truly let the words sink in, of my “chronic thoughts, that I’m thinking on a really regular basis, that fly in the face of who I really am and what I really know and it’s thoughts like the source within me knows that I am destined to fantastic success and than I am taking score of where I am and doubt that from time to time the source within me knows that there is no competitions. As I sometimes see others in what they are doing as competition and I feel that discomfort in that the source within me knows that what I think I want is still going to expand still further. In other words I haven’t even begun to tap the resources that are flowing to me…”
All of this belief in competition, my opinion of any other, what they are doing, wearing, breathing, speaking trying, becoming or thinking of me. Is not any of my business. It takes me away from feeling good! Away from being enough, better, or worse. It’s a habit of thought brought on by years of buying into “everyone elses opinion” of me matters, so that must mean I must either live up to their expectations or they must live up to mind. How crazy my life has been by believing in standards, trying to fit in, stand out, not fit in or even be seen.
When I felt the satisfaction of remembrance of each and every time I have ever created anything. Always caused, by an impulse, inspiration, awareness, or sudden idea that just “Felt Good” and I followed it. Not caring, not planning, just living fully, completely, in the moment. Reveling in my ability to connect to Source within me. With it’s Guiding, leading, dancing, co-creating the perfect solution for whatever had just caught my attention. To now be viewed in an entirely new way.
I’m back to being just me, doing living by finding and doing everything that feels good! 100 percent just playing and reveling with my fine tuning to be more and more me each and every moment of every day! Everyone else is off the hook to just be who they be!
Rrrring, ring, ring… startle awake thinking it’s my alarm, but no just an unidentifiable caller, who leaves no message 10 minutes into my nap. Re-situate, get cozy back to sleep, this time until the alarm. As I am awakening I make a mental note of how I am going to groundwork each of the first 4 horses. It goes easy, I am alive and flowing, they are frisky, snorty, fresh from the cool dampness, but they respond nicely and I turn each one out when I am done. Then take out the big horse, brush, saddle, ground work all easy and smooth, until he spies the new round bale, where he tenses just long enough to get my reaction of “hey, I know it’s there, back to work”. He then proceeds to listen, feel, work truly hard at stretching the right leg forward, heel first, now almost finding the full extension we have been reaching for. He is starting to consistently find me and release the tenseness almost to his shoulders. I congratulate him on his try, unsaddle, groom and put him back up, to get out the new horse for day 3 in the cold, dampness to see her response to weather change.
Today the responses to my asked questions are sooner, easier and she spends much time following me with her ears. The feet inspection is improved by no pulling, lifting when asked, and standing quietly as I clean each one out. We progress through a quieter saddling, easier groundwork, and a good twenty minutes riding her with just an ask, her releasing, walking, turning, bending and finally to 3 actual steps backwards. As I am rewarding her with the after grooming, I notice two things. One she is softer, more sure of herself and truly getting into my brushing thing. Two, though she still cocks her head in surprise when I do this for her, a huge indication of being handled like she was just to be rode… just a horse. I am so pleased with my horses, have set everything up for the evening, and my alarm goes off to remind me I have to go drive.
The tiredness hits me again, squarely on my shoulders, directly from all over my body. I know it is pleading with me. I know I need to visualize, something different, in a new direction. There is something right here I can do, should do, will do… I just haven’t figured out what? The first thought is so much is coming together, just allow. But allow what? I put possibilities together, just none of them flow like the horse part, where I feel just so connected and time is not evident. Right now as I type I can feel the tiredness “left”(side) in my face”.
Fixing supper, warming up, looking for a movie for tonight, and expecting a message, this is followed by a big sigh of release and a yawn. I will figure this out, I always do, I so desire to snuggle, talk in person, share the day, mutual hands, feet or back rubs…