Category Archives: Trust
It’s been awhile since my last blog because I chose to continue my journey inward.
Learning more about me, who I am, who I was, the why’s of my life that all join together to create me in each “Now’. Following in the awareness of this last few weeks of only moments each day with my horses because of the vast amounts of rain found here this September. This last weekend culminating in a huge “ah ha” as the lights inside not only came on, but showed this huge piece of the tapestry that has always been right there, just out of focus. As I was use to living more in the answers others told, offered or thrust upon me.
Everything around us is always offering us the answers we seek. Yet in our societies the expectancy to conform to the pressure of fitting in is most prominent. We were taught at a very young age to respond mostly to make other people happy and then getting our desires met. The proof of one of the first words children learn is NO! Don’t touch, don’t move, don’t explore, don’t have until given permission. Permission usually with a price tag. You might get hurt, you might break something, you might do it wrong. Don’t learn about it, do as your told, I’ll keep you safe.
Yes you may have the cookie… if you do??? An entire litany of simple things at first. Give me a kiss, a hug, clean up the mess. Which slowly evolves into finish your work, take care of the dishes, take a bath, go to school. Then into the work arena of find a job, pay your bills, make your parents proud, fit your degree plan, get it done to get paid, have a family, buy a house. Yet… words don’t teach, only life experience teaches.
All of this showing itself as I was cleaning up my partnership with my new horse Scoozi. My intent… the focused idea of a fun, successful, easy, caring open communicative relationship. Amazed with how much baggage a horse just turning four (supposedly only halter broke) has with her.
Highly aware as I played with each situation which presented itself. The mirrored reflection of my life it revealed. Especially the tendency to double and triple check myself with others books, answers and videos… whenever the situation doesn’t simply resolve itself. The discomfort of not getting it “perfect” or “right” for the imaginary crowd that might suddenly show itself and critique my results here out in the country, many miles from any big city. The Universe always willing to guide me when I allow it to. Assisting me to find my way through this maze of self confusion, and then to my sharing my discoveries here.
This weekend I was led to a video (which I will share at the end) about finding one’s own answers and allowing others to find theirs, as a rat was taught how to tread water in the center of a swimming pool.
The one advantage the rat had… it’s only label was “rat”. Not a tall, short, skinny, fat, black, purple, OCD, PTS, or any of the other labels that cause separation, discomfort and fear of not being enough. This labeling hindering ones ability to learn and figure out the solution for ones self.
I have learned… I am amazing. I choose to stay fully present in each “Now”. I pay attention and reward every try of the horse… and myself. I step back and allow the other to express where they are at. I allow the other to take the time it takes. I am willing to change things when the answer I think should be next… is not really the answer that is needed. I am adaptable, I am constantly learning that in teaching there is no mold. No absolute. No definitive way. There is the final outcome to stay focused on. Just the how’s are the surprising solutions which present themselves to us when we stay open, allowing the best guidance of all… Trusting the feel… our gut, our senses, the good sensation, the ease in the next step. Keeping our focus and trust on a great feeling result.
My desire was originally thought to be a partnership with Scoozi, my new horse. Where what I have found instead… it’s a true partnership with Life. Learning I am capable, willing, aware and always connected when I allow the Universe to join, guiding me in the dance.
I cry, bawl, squall, resounding with the levelss of hurt, I have wrapped around me in layers of protectiveness of this still glowing, waiting connection to Source, my God, feeling place, sobbing till I feel cleansed, free, more open to listening to all of me. I sigh, stand, looking at the time:12:30. I have cried for at least half an hour. I need a shower, clean clothes, makeup and my hair done….
I feel the blanket, marvel at its all-encompassing embrace of my two arms, holding me exactly the best way for me to be fully loved, by me. I feel for how I want to dress, look, and be for my lessons and the rest of my day. I plug in the iron, decide on a very colorful, soft, pastel shirt, with my favorite soft, light blue denim jeans. Turn on the shower, and go get a black pair of undies, soft gray bra, and my favorite white past the knee socks. Step into a very hot shower, letting it find every strand of hair on my head, every waiting pore of my skin, and then add a little shampoo. As I begin to scrub and lather my hair, I think of more areas of new skin coming up to be exposed, shimmering cells, as they are released from the old dead layers of yesterday. I thrill in the soapy lather of change, the deep, sensuous, exhilarating feel of the wash cloth, the slithery thick foam as it helps me to become the me of this moment.
As I wash, words come, thoughts form, ideas happen, connections between what I view or see and the reflections inside that it awakens of my current taught awareness of my mind. I feel the word starvation, from the advertisements about famine and my helping one to eat. I feel where that resonates in me… God asking me to be aware of where have I been starving myself, for love, attention, food, life itself… because I have been taught to always help out those less fortunate than me. But from the learned view that I have of having no real value, unless I help others first. The word success… God asking me why I don’t applaud how successful I am in doing wonderful, marvelous things with whatever he has given me, in “my idea” of what little I think I deserve or am. The word abundance… God reminding me of his ability to give me as much as I deserve…. If I would just open my hand to the more he has to easily give me.
I pause, I ask “but what about the compelling pictures that show the needy?” The answer I receive, there are many conditions of complete love found within in inches of the deprivation…you my child only have access to the views you feel are true for you. If you would trust the body I placed you in to “feel” for my guidance to what is good and true…that is what you would find and behold. As long as you feel the hesitation and uncertainty and still go in that direction… “I support you, because I Honor Your Right To Choose!” “I love you no matter what!” So simple, so easy….
I am continuing to listen to my body, to start much more consciously listening, feeling, sensing what feels right for me. God has never let me down, he has always supported every, single, thing I do. Always things have turned out okay, I have done so many things, a whole lot of ways others would never chose, had some really scary, frightening, exciting, frustrating, emotional ups and downs. But wow, what a rush, what a way to really breathe, exam, experience, learn, share and create the most memorable, new, amazing, creative stuff, by trusting I am guided, I am loved, I am extraordinarily all me!
So I got the coffee on, checked with my youngest that was up, about what he wanted for breakfast. He stated he would feed and do the chores he missed yesterday in coming home to late way after dark. So I fixed me a cup, grabbed a banana, pulled up my emails, then read and responded to the blogs I found posted at BLC.
Had a message from an old friend about her liking my blogs after I shared this: http://mydesiresblog.blogspot.com/ on Facebook yesterday. Right after I posted my most recent blog. As I was reading her response, I noticed the friend I had thought about earlier was currently on line, so I had a quick comfortable chat with her over all the positive changes I had seen on her postings. She informed me, she to had checked out my blog site and enjoyed what she saw, exclaiming “you really should do a book”. I thanked her, as we both had other stuff to do, said our goodbyes and signed off.
I felt so good about where I was at and the positive feedback I was receiving. I got the impulse to send the link to my blog to all in my email contacts. It was such a simple easy thing to do. Then I contacted my lesson’s mom, we discussed the wet weather and decided we would see how the day, rain, and ground progressed to maybe do it later. Called the other friend from my morning thoughts, had a wonderful catching up session, another cup of coffee, where I found myself cleaning. First just the few dishes, then the counter, then I found myself pulling up the shades, washing the windows and sills. Imagining my Christmas tree there in the corner fully decked out to be viewed from the alcove facing and front windows. My youngest surprises me by walking in carrying all the lights to be tested out, replaced and used, evidently his mind on the same wavelength. Suddenly I can feel these last few weeks of change between him and me, bearing fruit, the ability to work, play and think as friends and family. All the allowing the outside world slowly back in, now that I have a more solid view of me…by me.
Then I feel this nagging thought of discomfort, not sure what, just there. I take a shower, truly enjoying the warmth of the water, considering ideas for today’s writing. Many come, but nothing I feel real solid, or sure about. So I just meander, slowly, easily in my unexpected morning off. Comfortable in my pajama pants and an old shirt, sat down to play the same game as yesterday, searching for this uncomfortableness that was becoming more noticeable by the moment. I am on level five, with no rhythm, no timing, just all disconnected, hurrying, or maybe trying to run away from something? I let the thought just sit there while I played. I struggled with the same level at least four times before I identified what was the culprit behind this current discomfort. Now, like a crazed, scared animal, I was pacing, my heart was pounding, and my senses were all extended, my hair standing on end. Just because I had put me out there to share with those whose view of me I knew. The moment I found where it came from, my playing ability changed, I began to relax and have fun because “I stopped judging myself” for whatever reaction sharing my blog might bring. I discovered I was giving my power to be okay with my writing to me… away in what had felt like the next logical step. I had shared me with a world I had chosen to withdraw from. Withdraw from so I could find and be, real, alive, and just all of me, I was finding, reviewing, and re-becoming. I evidently was still feeling a little uncertain, a little trepid, a little…little, bitty, timid… what might they think or say. The phone rang. I jumped. I answered it to find tomorrow’s lesson, rescheduling because of the weather for later in the week. My youngest came in, offered to pay for the show if it kept raining and I had to cancel the rescheduled lesson. I took a breath; played for a little while longer, suddenly discovering I had gotten so back in touch with listening to me I had actually completed all of the levels and won.
We checked the outside conditions. Water still standing in huge puddles everywhere and a huge one in the center of the arena, so I called, cancelled and to the show we went. For us to be amused, taken in, entertained and uplifted with a great kids flick. We then got fuel and drove over to buy groceries. After reading the few emails on my phone that had come in while we were at the show. I went to get out my seat snapped, plummeting me into the back seat. As I was figuring out how to fix my temporary dilemma, I became aware of this being the third seat to come apart in the last few weeks, wondering what is up with that. We quickly went through the store, filled our list, then checked out and while he put the bags in the truck, I discovered a pole in the floorboard fit perfectly to keep the seat upright till we got home. My mind playing through the sudden physical reaction to one of the emails about my blog and the ensuing collapsed seat.
I drove, seeking for an answer, made it home, unloaded groceries, and fixed the seat, all the time writing stories in my mind. Then, the very one that came out so quickly and easily as I “Sat” down here to write to me so I could watch myself write and realized “I WRITE FOR ME!” Because it is the only way I can comfortably and easily sort through all of the stuff that comes in, from others of their opinion. I’m the one who chooses to put myself out there, trusting and knowing I am okay. I am still on a little shaky ground with all of this. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but that’s okay, I will figure it out, I usually do, and I am the one who lives with me, loves me, supports me…more than anyone else. And that alone makes it PERFECT! The peanut gallery may have opinions, but they don’t wear and have the same size, style, kind or form of clothes, much less body that I do. Deep breath…in…out…