Category Archives: trusting
The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.
The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.
My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.
In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.
I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.
I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”. Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.
It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.
I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.
There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.
All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.
I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.
When you think you know what it is you do and suddenly find yourself fully engulfed having fun changing lives in ways you never quite imagined or have ever explained to another…
In the last few weeks of my working with horses and their owners I was suddenly, almost magically transported to a keen insight into what it is I am actually doing in my “supposed” line of work as a horse trainer/coach. I am a transformer.
I have owners bring me their problems… horses, fears, ideals and dreams. Their horses that have stopped working, are barely moving, running away and are in conflict with what is being expected, or are totally refusing to “behave”.
I evaluate the communication between horse and rider, finding the clues to the mistakes. Many times because the horse’s body is out of alignment. The owner’s timing is off. The horse has never been asked or taught how to move in ways that are comfortable much less correct, and with no idea of how to ask with the rider’s body for the expected results with their horse.
I assist people in learning to connect in the horse’s body language of communication, how much difference it makes to a horse to move in a way that the horse can flow in any direction that is desired when the person asking is in the right place. Even more so to be able to bring to the owner’s awareness that many of the horses brought to me have been started or handled by well-meaning individuals who are not aware of what incredible mimics’ horses are. That every minute you are handling a horse you are teaching it something! What you do want or what you don’t want. For horses focus and live in the now, they are not thinking of ten minutes ago, are where they will be tomorrow.
Their focus on present is so keen, that if they are asked to move in any way that causes the one moving them to stop moving. They accept the non-movement as this last movement they have done was the right answer.
I have had three horses in the last four days that are older horses, who have no idea how to lope confidently on the ground with a lead attached, much less under saddle. These horses all show the signs of being ridden by people that had no idea that everything they asked a horse to do, even if it put the horse’s body out of balance. It had to be the right answer because one of several things would happen. The horse would stop moving, slow down to a more in control speed, the rider would stop pulling, yanking, kicking, lose the rider, or would quit and put the horse away. Many times selling the horse because they didn’t know how to fix the problem they had created.
I assist owners in becoming aware of how everything going on with their horses is a reflection of something in the owner’s confidence in communication. Horses and their owners’ bodies are evaluated, for chiropractic, feet, emotional and communication abilities. Many times as in the present horses… I go all the way back to simple, basic baby steps. In assisting the horse to find trust in my ability to ask with the right feel and timing for the best answer for the horse, then by showing and teaching this to the rider to start a whole new form of communication. Teaching and coaching both with their ability to understand and work with each other to change the habits that have brought them to me.
Always I watch with fascination and joy as a horse learns to lose the brace from frustrated, fearful handling because of all the misunderstanding in trying to figure out what is desired of them, and that it is possible to do these movements in a much more comfortable and easy way. I show both how to communicate comfortably, safely, and effectively in a way that they both understand and can feel that they must move as a team, each one’s job is to be in a position to assist the other the best placement of their bodies, so they can now find a new way to react that feels and works better for the both of them.
Many times taking former “washed up, bad, blown up” horses, and frustrated, fearful riders. Back to performing winners, comfortable, and confident companions, by getting all to slow down, communicate, trust and “ask” each other to be the incredible partner they had both been seeking and believing possible when they first came to me. I love my job, the people and the horses that grace my life.
The last few days have found me in a remarkable feat of truly cleaning house, barn and office. Espying things I so desire to now have, as I look around at what is here that I can change in a very concrete steps of movement forward, and all the while with an ear turned inward listening to the latest conversations going on in my head. Which less and less lately have been arguments between my old insistence of holding on to parts of my past that truly no longer serve me anymore and the truth of just letting go of them. I am realizing many of the items were things I was talked into and then have been clinging so hard to the imagined importance they have in my life.
The entire time my body has been orchestrating so many of the decisions by twinges of discomfort when I pick up an item to dispose of, then change my mind and put it back. Only to be met by a dull ache, which within minutes easily escalates to a full pain of “no, go it must”, after finding, pulling, stretching, massaging, even aspirin are not letting me off the hook.
Today finding me loads lighter, after several trips to sell, donate, or throw away various pieces and piles of memories I know needed to be looked at in a new light. Appreciated for their time in service to me and applauded for their holding out till I was ready to see… I truly can have my life, anyway that I desire. When I line up my outside world view with the way the inner me guides me to embrace my truly heart felt decisions. Guided by this whole body (heart, mind and spirit) which has been talking to me all along, just my understanding of right, wrong, rules, and long held decisions proclaimed to me from others as their truths. Really were “their” truths, they just didn’t and don’t fit me.
From my 29 x 38-40 inch inseams, to my size 8 ½ D men’s shoe size (that translates to about a 10 ½ to 11 in women’s) with my broad size large shoulders, to have to take up to a medium/small waste. My taste of cowboy boots, Wrangler blue jeans, and mostly cotton, soft to the touch, colorful sleeveless shirts, which I buy for the way they feel and fit. The sleeves are usually not long enough to get to my wrist, so I cut the sleeves off, redesign them into the pockets I prefer on shirts to hold my chapstick when I am out with the horses.
I am aware of my body’s guidance even now as I type for the words which just flow across the page, except for the feeling of stop, look again, maybe… then an aha as the right words fill in the pause of… hmmm, no not that… Yep that is perfect, as I smile aware of me finally getting me right. Topped off by the last few days of amazing, wonderful incidents of after each situation occurred and I calmly addressed the “that’s not what I had planned” with the words and the feelings of “this or something better” which resonated completely through all parts of me.
Last night’s clients choosing to wait two weeks to pay at the actual next lesson, instead of their usual pre-paying before the start of each new series. I breathed, smiled, said sure, while changing my plans for a meal out to what could be thrown together without going to town. As my youngest walked in, asked where we were going for supper, and before I could even get my thoughts together, said “my treat”, so off we went for a simple together supper. Where he then informed me he has been using my “thank you box” for himself. Hmm imagine that.
With this morning’s lesson a no show, I relished the cool weather and great ground after last night’s shower for me and my horses to utilize and enjoy. Followed by a quick trip to the feed and grocery store with a compelling urge to stop and buy some scratch off tickets. Which after all feed and groceries were put up, revealed 3 purchased tickets, 3 winners, $37.00 to the plus. All by listening to the inner guidance of my feeling good, my confidence with the quick impulses and my trusting my body for the distinct yes’s when I feel fine and the aches signaling I am out of sorts thinking and living from someone else’s beliefs or ideas of what is best for me.
Finding a peaceful, truly open feeling at my place as I discarded all of the stuff other’s, in their attempt to make my life comfortable to their beliefs and ideas of who I was expected to be. Now opens up and expands as I live for me, loving, caring and listening to all parts of me, guided by my every breath to know what is best and right for me to be the best me, listening to the Source within me!
All these thoughts drifting through my mind as I come in to alignment with my body on how I can comfortably live my life with it… is so not what I expected or was taught. I am discovering every day more and more habits that I do at an extreme price to my physical body now that it has had enough and has my full attention as I intuit why and what is right for me. Fascination holding the key when I rolled over in waking up this morning to absolutely no pain anywhere.
I then did the typical feel, move, stretch, and search for any signs of discomfort “before” I went to thanking my entire being for getting into agreement over how I can change pain by myself when I listen and trust the information that fleets across my mind, each time lingering longer as I begin to believe I am allowed to know what is best for me.
I am in total appreciation over the ease of simply being aware of the sensations in so many of my muscles just by when I am smiling, and the unique difference especially in my neck when I habitually choose any other facial expression. I was in awe of the sudden memory of the hall of our old house where my mother framed all of us girls pictures from K-12 and how I stopped smiling at about the fourth grade, the same time I realized working, equaled dollars. Creating things, yard work, leather craft, anything for a few dollars spending money always with this personal inspections from family others about how “right” or “good” it was.
The tons and tons of do overs, you missed a spot and the worst of all “you didn’t make that” until the entire piece was examined and the eventual flaw was found to satisfy the examiner. The whole time I felt I had to defend my work, try harder, do more to be paid and then was told how, where and what I was to do with the money earned.
This morning brought it even more to my attention as I took the time with each horse and became conscious of the seriousness I have extended to so many of the things I truly love doing. I now play the game of catching myself any time I am not smiling from this trained habit of defending myself for the right to do something my way. I have so well learned this amazing work ethic in all I do, even with each horse: grooming them till they sigh, discovering I have this natural (sheesh) grimace as I really get into grooming and stroking of each muscle. Catching the difference when I am doing it by feel, breathing real deep with each stroke and to inhale the smell of the moment, my face relaxed until I go to looking at what I might have missed and could do better. This time I smiled, I breathed, aware “damn I am hard on me”.
I go on to groundwork with each animal, again aware of any tenseness in my neck, and danged if it doesn’t match the moment my thoughts try to jump even 5 minutes ahead of what I am doing. So I grin, relax, leave the phone on the table and flip my watch over. The horses are different, easier, all of the steps asked for are met with this wonderful sense of ease and timing as I start off down the road for a half mile ride.
Trot, walk, trot, extend the stride, change hips, feel each back soften and move with me, oops the thought of one more horse to go. I feel the tug at my neck, I breathe, grin and let the thought go at the same time aware of the release in my shoulders, followed by a softer feel from my horse through the reins, a wonderful, light, supple connection.
Wow, I have been holding the world ransom from this habitual fear of having to defend my right to just play with, train, much less even own horses. The craziness I have bought into over the hundreds of times I let some other ask me how much I make, how can I afford to do what I do, much less the thousands of others who try to tell me how, when, where, and why none of this can or will work. I bought into their opinions, their ideas, their thoughts, their reasoning’s… to let all of that dictate my life. Defending and working so very hard to prove all of this stuff outside of me “matters” more than this passion that burns inside and brings me joy.
I smiled, breathed, allowed the tension and time to let go. I just connected, rode, danced, moved fast, then slow, had fun, and played being me. I don’t owe anyone or anything except my own body, mind, and spirit perfect alignment where WE ALWAYS LIVE TOGETHER IN EACH AND EVERY MOMENT OF NOW!!
Interesting the turns one’s life takes, when we allow the Universe to work with us, instead of us working and struggling alone trying to get it all done… right NOW! This morning being a perfect example of the way life can be when we ask, believe, and get out of our beliefs of this is the only way it can happen or be.
I have been juggling the last few months with my trying so many unsuccessful ways to move forward… “now”, “quickly” with my stubborn attempts to free myself from this old feeling of stuckedness. As I tried, schemed, planned and determined what the “it” was I was stuck in, with the added complication (in my minds way of thinking) of my body’s occasional shenanigans of various nicks, scratches, minor pains and some downright breath taking falls. All in my stubborn determination to “get it done” and over with this time once and for all.
Solidly going through my self-determined path of how and what “it” was going to be. Finding interesting, tantalizing, and annoying side roads that made the newest espied discovery, a possible quicker fix to getting me out of my own confusion of how and what the problem was, that this newest presentation, ad, or suggestion present in front of me promised would whisk me to my desired goal right NOW.
All in all a great way to spend my time running in circles of doing, trying, listening to and trusting “all” of this outside stuff to be more important than the path my inner self was trying to guide me on when this newest tempting suggestion would suddenly appear. Such a great game of cat and mouse, without me actually having to slow down to fully believe and trust in all of me, all of the time.
As I look back on how easily I have been swayed to look anywhere outside of me and yet still not trust or feel the tiny, fleeting sense of doubt that was throwing up the red flags at whatever was present was just a “tiny ant trail” not the main path for me to go. Until came the moment I was spinning in the air from being “bucked off” one of my own horses. Where I became aware of how all of my choices of moving so mentally quickly, flashed through my mind as I was somersaulting to the ground. I could look back in slow motion to the point in time where I had failed to fully cinch up my saddle, as my mind was not in that moment but a full hour ahead rushing to my next appointment.
The last few weeks since then I have made several trips to my chiropractor to adjust the various parts of my anatomy that took the opportunity of this latest incident to get me to really slow down and listen to my body and how I feel God communicates with me. First with my ribs being out, I had to learn to take things really, really slow, for every breath was a fully conscious experience as I expanded and contracted my healing ribs. My hip allowed me to find how to truly, slowly feel and enjoy each movement in my daily stretches that I use to just do, to be done, checked off the list, not relish and attempt to stretch a little further every time to become more flexible. To finally my neck, which woke me up yesterday so stiff, sore, and unyielding in its almost bringing me to tears of desperation as I knew it was Sunday and no one local available for me to go to for an adjustment.
So I stretched, very slowly, very deliberately, fully involved with what my muscles could tolerate, feeling, sensing, listening and tuning in to me… The thought blinked in my mind’s eye to look up video on YouTube on how to pop my own neck after I finished all of my stretches. My neck still stiff, unyielding and throbbing as I began to watch the various offered options as I tried feeling for the right one, finding the lessening of pain as my guide, to fully view or continue in my search until I found one that gave incredible easy relief for me. The whole time I am communicating with my neck for answers and by following its directives, I ended the day comfortable including one last set of stretches before going to bed. This morning waking up gingerly, feeling and sensing for any soreness as I allowed answers to filter through my mind. Hearing the phrase that I have been affirming for months “This or Something Better” in a whole new way.
All of this pain has been me trying to tell me how I have been going in circles with so many of the mantras, affirmations, beliefs and thoughts that continuously seemed to “always” flood my brain as the quick fix, say it 50 times and be done solution that I have been stuck in. Now I heard and understood what I had been trying to do with any affirmation…not feeling the answer resonate with me as a way to live my life.
To say words and not realize I was holding myself prisoner by repetition of thinking I was doing it right. Not getting into the feel of what “This or Something Better” truly could mean for me. I was saying the words, and then jumping on each passing possibility suggested by another as the something better. Even though deep inside I could feel the tiny hesitation “really, hmmm, okay” and all the other signs that meant I wasn’t grounded in the truth for me.
This morning I saw the small sucker limb on this old mesquite tree, about 15 feet below the offending mistletoe infestation that I was thinking the tree needed to be trimmed back from again. Which having been done many times in the past and still the infestation returns. Yet in my mind to cut the tree back to the place this new limb is coming from I would be afraid I would kill the tree. Instead of allowing God to show me how simple it is to have the answer just present itself to me at the perfect time in the perfect way… Because I asked, left it alone and allowed for a better answer than the only one I could at the moment possibly see or imagine… instead of just seeing the tree free of the problem and thriving. Life is a miracle when I let go of imagining that “I have to know the how” to get or do all the possibilities to cause the outcomes and just let it all become what I dream of with thankfulness!
I was conversing with a friend whom I have noticed in the last few days has been coming down with a cold, all congested and stuffy. When out of my mouth popped “What are you all confused about?” so she began to tell me about the things going on at home with her husband and her trying to put all of the pieces together with his possible new job, his coaching their daughters soccer and juggling all of their time together. I could feel and here all of the worry and work that her brain was scrambling to do to get the pieces to fit and her frustration in it not coming together fast enough to ease all of these new fears for the two of them.
After she lined out all of the pros, cons, the possible, the impossible and anything else that came to her mind. She turned to me to see what I suggested. I said why not just allow God to put it together. See all the pieces just fitting perfectly, with all of you laughing and enjoying how easy life has now become with the perfect money and time to be just enjoying it all.
I watched as I evidently spoke the very words she needed to here, as I saw her shoulders relax, her body straighten out, and when she started talking again I pointed out to her all of her congestion was now almost non existent. She was like “wow’ as I explained all of her congested, stuck and stopped up thinking had materialized in her body, until she talked about it, got it out, to find and feel an answer that eased all of this internal mind struggling.
To find myself waking up this morning to an extremely numb shoulder, a stuck and very sore neck. I promptly readjusted my position in bed, and asked my body “what’s up?” Then laid there and let the thoughts just drift in a kind of half-awake state. Seeing scenes from my past, quick glimpses of old incidents, suddenly with other broader views to take in the situation. Aware of the long standing issue with my top rib’s tendency to be easily popped out of place, my own confusion at times of either running or only standing up for myself when I am cornered. In a whole new light as a habit I picked up when learning to defend myself in a very frightening situation many, many years ago that all of me automatically goes to as a survival mode when things get the least little bit tense and uncomfortable.
I thanked my body for answering, then stopped and paused long enough to ask it if there was anything else I needed to know. To be then flooded with information about my own uniqueness that has been assaulted, played down and punished by anyone who I allow their opinion to matter, over what feels or works for me.
The back of my neck eased considerably, until I desired to share this by writing here… to feel this fear come over me of the consequences of sharing what I have learned once again in my writing. My breath became shallow, my ears ringing and then I noticed my fingers and nails. None would ever be photographic for another; so many scars from all of the many things I have been so hands on about.
Both middle fingernails are flat and shovel shaped with no normal fingerprint on the other side because as a child, the neighbor had an electric wire that he had strung across his garage door to keep the local alley cats out of. Which about the age of five I sat on to swing as some little kids would do. Promptly to receive electricity through the scarred place on my behind and to then have it ground me where my fingers touched the earth.
I realized that one of the teachings I have been studying “states how golden silence is by not sharing information with others who are not ready or in the supportive frame of mind”. And the perfect solution then entered my mind…as I remembered how I spent days around Christmas time figuring out how to install the rate this app on my site thinking how important it was to know what another thought.
Now realizing as long as I am willing to write this and take the time to share it. People can read it, comment, find it useful or not without another’s judgment necessary… Because I write to express me, talking to myself, to teach me and allow me to figure me out. The rest just is what it is… my body resonating perfectly as I find myself sitting up straighter, easier and noticing almost all of the discomfort in my neck diminished… small baby steps of asking, listening and responding as I connect to all of me!!!
Intuition, knowing, confidence and plain old common sense have been the big ah hah’s in my last few months of just being, realizing and observing all of these deep held sacred and many unconscious beliefs that have been getting in my way of any real movement in the outside world. This has been brought home to me in my watching not only the horses I interact with on an almost daily basis, but the multitude of people that I now encounter at the convenience store as I play with my form of non-horse humans interactions.
Fascinated with today’s gem in assisting a few people in covering an old tractor, watching the lack of surety in all but one of the members in the group of guys, as the eldest one tried to ramp up the enthusiasm in his two nephews for the promised rewards when the chore was done. All three in the heat of the one o’clock sun, no clouds, no breeze and the leader so intent on finishing the task today, one way or the other. Showing up with a tarp and an idea of fixing the dilemma for his father of the 1940 oldie from further rusting before they could get it restored. Intending to complete the task with just a good heart, a tarp and two nephews as different as the soft sand is from hard baked clay.
I knew someone was here, as the dog’s barking took on the tone of “oh joy… visitors”. To walk out as the uncle was explaining the task of just re-tarping the machine for a few more months to further protect it from the weather, explaining to me as I walked up his simple thoughts, immediately followed by what did I think.
I watched myself as I didn’t think, I just explained the reasons and possible solutions to why they kept having to re-do this every few months. How by placing round buckets over any of the extruding rough and jagged spots before re- tarping, the smoothness would balance out the wind’s ability to rub and wear the tarp over these protruding pipes, handles and various flanges. The thought of this not being a continuous chore caused the light to go on, for him to ask me for further information and he then noticed the parts of the sickle plow pieces, just lying around under the center of the machine slowly being buried in the drifting sand.
He called the boys over and as they went to pick up the pieces to move them into the barn. He with his gloves on, the oldest boy immediately becoming macho stating it was okay as the youngest flinched from the heat of this hot metal sitting in the midday sun. As the uncle started to suggest that he could drive all the way back home to go get some gloves… my mouth just starting spewing words as I took the wooden handle of the rake in my hand, slipped it under one of the bars to the waiting hands of the youngest. To then together with all of the others we hoisted up the pieces comfortably carrying them into the barn, all the while my awareness to what could be done allowed me to access my noticing/intuiting the wood, the time, the distance, the needs of the present moment. My confidence radiating what needed to be done easily shared and readily employed for simple, effective results.
Bringing to my mind how amazingly I always seem to see the quicker, simpler, ways with such ease and ability to then speak up… BECAUSE at that moment I trust what I feel and know. What a huge surprise and relief as the rest of the information about what this seemingly elusive thing is I have been having such a struggle with.
With chores, coaching, teaching, and the horses, I usually allow these feelings to flow… Unless there is someone who starts to spew way to many questions of the hesitation to commit as they continue to stare at and wrestle with the problem. Words don’t teach, they assist in understanding, but it is our seeing in our mind the finished solution that suddenly causes the path to light up and show itself. I am suddenly, very appreciative of all the times I was so head on with what to do and praised for my common sense. Now aware of how I have been tapping in to my inner self and trusting the answers that present themselves for ME!
It’s the talking with and to others in the last few months that has finally caused me to realize this. It is being talked out of my gut instincts and into my head to defend or explain how and why I come up with the answers I do. Now I am seeing how when others start talking or questioning me it is a form of frustration, confusion or distrust of things being easier and simpler than “they” were taught. It’s supposed to be hard, take forever, have all of these problems… and my answers usually come so fast and simple… I have been questioning my own right to know, trust, much less connect with my own instinctive responses. Hmmmm… as I allow this to really sink in I realize horses don’t talk when they communicate they just “DO” the solution, the next movement, the next step as they are committed to their end result!
I then headed into work listening and feeling for more information. I drove… letting words ramble in and out of my head. Some of them consisting of old stories which now when they come up to present themselves to me, I realize these stories always hold clues. Much like an old tapestry with millions of wonderful threads, whose picture, though present seems fuzzy, out of focus. The patterns from before thrown together for a quickly finished, shady project, lacking the luster and warmth of love and lif,e understood and fully lived. In the hurry of the weaver to just get it done, finished, to be able to go on to the next.
I have been gathering each thread as I find the trail of where and how it has been sewn into my past memories, with only the view I had known in the past. Awareness now changing the entire selection into a beautiful, luscious, engaging view as I learn to find the understanding that was missed before, with all of my anger, blame and low sense of self, in trying to live my life by making others happy.
A very strong memory comes to the surface, it is one that has risen many times in the past, gathering my full attention to the lack of my own follow through because I loved and respected others wishes before mine. “Before mine” my mind shot back at me, as I wrestled with the frustration so easily to come to the forefront. I shook it off, but in the shaking, rattled a new thought which found me. Now before my mind’s eye flashed a dozen different times I would date others to fit into the mold I had been taught since small. How much this one scenario and a few others differentiated from the strict guidelines always causing me to think my choice out. Then I would choose to make nice, keep everyone happy, placing another bar on the door, another thread woven, forced into place.
As I am watching these stories, I suddenly feel and find peace… I am okay, I get it. The ahhh so felt in the sigh, here was this guy, I was friends with, I would do anything for, I was miles (374) away from home. No one to watch, judge, speculate or tell on me. I was on my own. Four of the six scholarships I had received at graduation, plus working 80 hours a week had given me my freedom. I was away at a rodeo college, deep in the middle of Texas mountains, the nearest next big town 150 miles north, south, or east. Pristine, gorgeous, clear, clean skies, miles of nothing but views, horses, cattle, cowboys…free! Free to choose, pick, and decide for myself. He was in several of my classes. We were just friends. He had all the things I so desired, dreamed about, wanted. Horses, truck, trailer, dogs, and he roped. We played cards, aggravated, teased, just a great friend. He discovered my tendency for working for a quick buck, and his immense dislike for cleaning. So we traded, apartment cleaning, truck washing, pants mended, whatever he came up with…I accomplished.
He liked the girl in the dorm room next to me, I instigated a date. We were friends. I met his folks, they liked “me”. I was cool with just being friends, having fun. Second semester, suddenly my mom offers to contribute to my college by paying for every other semester, after…I completed the previous one.
Suddenly my mind sees the miswoven thread. I had mistakenly in my mind given up my freedom to choose. Now I was doing everything to tow the mark, to have them help fund half my college. Somewhere I bought into from old years of practice of my past if I screwed up and didn’t make them happy, “I”, who was not like the others. “Cathy” and all the myriads of nicknames no one at college knew, so I got to totally reinvent myself. I was “allowing” myself to believe they held the answers, they held the keys, I was not good enough. So when they met him, as he helped load my stuff on their truck to take me back home for the summer. They informed me by both their looks down their noses at him, plus the long speech of where would my life be if I were with a cowboy, remember “their” game plans.
So I walked away, and kept walking away from the few I did meet, and his picture that kept resurfacing. Cause of this feeling, woven tight, deep, and constantly through my life, which I allowed to put a strangle hold on me. Including, as I was re-examining it now, as I weave it into the new place of beauty and freedom. That story was also a total match for my financial pattern. Always working, striving aiming for this mark down the road. Where only when I live up and fulfill this ideal from and to please others will I receive the pot of gold they had extended out as an ever lengthening carrot stick.
Wow, I rock, I am listening, my body is communicating, I find the answers, the pains, and aches disappear. I am incredible, I am allowed…To be anything, anybody, whatever flips my switch. Today is another step in my continuing journey toward all of me!