Category Archives: Truth
The lessons in this last year have been amazing! With the new awareness’s that each day brings to me, as I open up to the things, remembrances from my past awaken in me to see, choose, change, and play with until I find the gift that is always there. Brought to the present in my day to day events which cause the miracle of changes in both Scoozi and myself. This month marks almost a year since my abrupt departure on my twenty second ride on her.
Caused my willingness to stop doing anything until I totally understood myself, my dreams, my intentions, my reasons and my true feelings into “Why” did I get to this point I such an explosive fashion? Where and was I intending to go on the same way? And how much of any of this came from being true to myself, or from pleasing others, unseen except in mind… the mindless crowd?
This morning’s sudden desire to share, came after I was reconstructing a new candle holder and playing with the aspect of making this new container, practical, able to hold the candle upright and safe from the cats being able to accomplish dislodging it from my desk to another shattered mishap on the floor.
As I was melting another candle to fill in the smaller hole on the bottom. The impulse to add a little color and extra fill for the hole, sent me for the smooth, colorful, clear, flat stones the cats had discovered to utilize for their nightly game of keep-away from one another.
After I filled the bottom, I thought it would be a nice touch to have a row of them in the space around the edge of the glass. Though this proved a interesting trying to be careful, executed experience of sliding the flat on one side of the stones down the sides of the vase into place with the big candle already adhered to the wax below.
In the experimenting with how to maneuver each stone in place, I kept catching small bits of the very soft natural wax, to smear on the sides of the glass… and a memory found me from a few years back when I took one of my students to her first ever exhibition.
This student (about 21) was learning to be astride a horse, in public, in an event that eventually utilizes speed, learning to control her fears of being run away with, being bucked off, being humiliated and a host of other mind terrors which she had previously encountered and come to me to work through. For her to actually accomplish 5 trips in and safely out of the arena with 2 times at a walk, 2 at a trot, and the last time comfortably at a lope… so excited and proud of herself.
To then as she is sitting there beaming, have an older lady come up and critique her on the clothes she was wearing and how from “up in the announcer’s stand” the male announcer could see down her shirt… humiliation at its best.
Her parents thankfully were in hearing range of the entire incident and attempted to make light of it. And even with the conversation about how what others said, especially since none of those comments had anything to do with all of the fears she had worked her way through, how much she had managed to accomplish… none of the good mattered. She decided to quit trying to compete, to be open, to breathe in her new found success.
My awareness of the looks of my new candle holder took on an entirely new perspective… It’s my first time playing with wax. It’s in my house for me. If I never get back to cleaning up all the smears… me and the candle don’t care because the candle still burns brightly and smells amazing.
Looks don’t mean anything. I understand that feelings, inside… are EVERYTHING. Managing our own feelings…no matter what the outside world says or does is the most important thing.
I am so appreciative of this last year and what I have learned… I don’t need to defend or explain anything I’m doing, have done or will do. Because I now choose to live every moment in what feels and works best for me. I am learning to coach, train and teach from the new standpoint of “It is what it is” What others think or say “DOES NOT MATTER” The feelings inside are everything. People are everywhere… EXCEPT INSIDE OF MY HEAD. It is ME and Only Me Who gets to choose HOW I REACT!
I bless you are feeling fully present.
May the space of time you read this post in, also be time you take to breathe a little deeper. May it invite you to allow yourself to consciously receive love, from God, Source, All That Is and Me to you.
I am at peace here. My months of clearing, cleaning, and reestablishing my priorities for Me… Found me meditating, reflecting and spending many hours soaking up the time of re-discovering my true self with the joy in just being in my life and with my horses.
The first part of this year I was beginning my journey with Scoozi. With our series of starts, stops, stalls, flips and an abrupt dismount. I started to ask myself a lot of questions about what it is that “I truly do and have always wanted to do with my life”? How could I best serve in a way that is useful, unique, and true to me? In a way that felt…. right… fun and all ME!.
This time allowed me to truly look at, revise and reassess my past experiences. Finding the best way to see each memory that came to mind. Aware from my recent reminder of Wayne Dyer’s “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” A new, deeper list of self intentions was born.
Because I have become so clear in my desire to listen to my deepest dreams. To truly connect with my horses despite a very busy world of suggestions, directions, ultimatums and others ideas for me. I was able to align with my innate truth without allowing the world to distract me.
I have becoming more fluent in Horse/Human/Self connection. Aware of my old buried roots of intuitively knowing how to truly listen, feel, and connect with horses and peoples “feelings”… Because I know so thoroughly about shutting down my own personal unique ideas, for the reasoning’s from others. “Shut up, do this, wear that, because they said so.”
I have become more fluent in Self… Owning my walk, talk, looks, dreams, desires and abilities.
Supporting others by truly listening to what they hope they are saying. Versus what their bodies, inflections and words are actually communicating. Assisting them in finding their truth, their voice, their own unique signatures and styles.
I am back, and aligned with my true self. Sharing this because it’s so important to carve out time to listen to one’s heart whisper, to listen and discover… what is calling.
To recognize having a desire to learn something, to align with a cause, to start something new, or and this one is tricky – to let someone or something go…
Be brave, dear one, trust your gut…
Drop the current narrative for just a moment.
Listen… your heart is calling you.
And watch for the magic that unfolds!
The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.
The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.
My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.
In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.
I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.
I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”. Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.
It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.
I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.
There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.
All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.
I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.
We then got back on task about my college entrance form, which I pulled up and tried to fill in. The scroll downs wouldn’t work, the internet kept going down, and the browser kept closing itself. So we decided, since the rain was interfering, once it came back on and stayed up I could then complete it with all of the information she had supplied for codes and such. I kind of figured the Universe had other plans for me, and she must have beem asking for some help in sorting out the situations we talked about for her. It was cold in the house, my boots were damp, it just felt like nap weather. So I grabbed a soft, furry blanket, the cat curled up behind my knees and the next thing I knew it was an hour later. I woke up groggy, with the strong memories of something important is about to happen in America, about our lives, this country and God.
A quick check of my emails… all about Christians, Jesus, Christmas, prayers, Muslims, our country & the form she sent me. Which I opened filled out, then hit send…my computer went nuts, the screens started opening and closing, I couldn’t get the cursor to stop moving and go where I needed. I finally had to use ctrl, alt, delete and then hit restart and it came back up, but I had to go to work. Fascinated with all the theatrics from my new compute, this trying to re-enroll in college, and my mind so really conscious about GOD and LOVE. Getting this distinct feeling college may not be where I am headed.
So I drive to work, text my friend about the chaos and message, explaining I will tell her more after I get to the first school to wait. Knowing in the half hour drive, I will have the time to be focused driving and the answer I need, will come. The message that comes is “my heart within God, God’s heart within me”. Then this feeling there is all of this angst over who’s view of God or religion is right, the answer then comes “ LOVE = GOD GOD= LOVE”. Hmmm??? I query. This nation is one nation under God, not under Christ feels right, important… But what does that have to do with me.
I pick up the kids, start driving them home, past a church where the only part of their flashing sign I see is GOD is LOVE, Love one another! I decide all of this must go back to the talk the priest gave before he did his laying on of the hands, the charismatic session where my wrist was restored/healed. He stated Jesus came back to earth to teach us/share with us, get us to understand 3 things:
1 That there is a God
2 For us to tell one another about him
And 3 To love one another AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. The one rule we all can’t quite seem to figure out. Because we don’t know and are not really taught how to love ourselves, we have been taught to criticize, critique, and try to fit who we are into someone else’s opinion about who we should be. Which by doing that, in my way of thinking, means we actually lie to others about loving them, because we have learned to lie to ourselves that there is something wrong with being exactly who we are.
I’m pretty sure I got the message from myself, to myself, for myself. I come home, get on line to check what posts have come on since I was out, and low and behold the one from Margarita confirms my thoughts in this wonderful ah hah moment in my gut! It’s always been about us loving ourselves and creating here on earth in “His Wonderous Image of US”! I do believe I am definitely going to truly learn how to give up the peanut gallery and just listen to God’s loving guidance from within this wonderful body he placed me in!