Category Archives: Uniqueness
The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.
The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.
My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.
In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.
I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.
I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”. Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.
It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.
I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.
There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.
All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.
I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.
I have spent the last few mornings opening and perusing my many uplifting emails from others. Always easily deleting the off-key nonessential ones that always contribute to my ability to choose what I allow into my mind. For me to find myself opening an email from another like to my blog which has been lying dormant, as the new seeds of certainty slowly spring to life. Opening up the husk of long held close reverence to the confidence that I have been fanning from a tiny old spark, to this consistent rising flame of life!
Life from beneath the ashes where I once quelled, lying shaken and afraid from my allowing a well-known critic (in my circle) to slash my last book attempt to fragments for “My Way” of connecting to others from my learnings with people and their horses. Allowing another’s power of “their” opinion to have any say whether I was good, or not…
So I retreated…
Deep inside to the murky waters of doubt that seemed to be so warm, safe, comforting…
Only to discover they were only concealing the truth of how truly powerful and awesome I was to those who needed and understood the view “I” was coming from. They are the ones whom I write and share for. There are many who might critique, complain and condemn my ways… But they are not of importance to me, except for how they remind me to look forward at my ability. Never back to the old ruts of OPO (other people’s opinion) that use to be the trap I so easily fell into.
This morning’s email being the third time this week that I have received thanks and likes about blogs that I had previously written months and years ago. Before I finally was caught in the deep old waters of fear that so easily encourage me back to their depths for the false safety of doing without movement forward, just resting in the their dark, murky depths…
No… I choose to rise!
Just this last week I went from just riding, interacting, and socializing fully with my horses, especially “Charlie” and my students. I am fully embracing, loving all of life again with biking 2 miles and walking 1 mile every day. Now finding myself, feeling amazingly alive because I choose to believe in myself, in my ability and right to do things my way in everything I do. Knowing and trusting those who need what and how I write, will find this to be blessed, encouraged or just amused at how easy it is to just “breathe”, take “baby steps” and the world will support you being fully true to Yourself! It is always Time!
The light just totally went on!!! The post I just read thinking’s spilt out onto the page for me to find. So fitting with the short delving into the book “Thick Face, Black Heart” and my last two intense weeks of reading, listening and meditating on both Catherine Ponder’s and Florence Scovel Shinn’s works. All of which I had been allowing myself to just be still with this morning for me to put all of this introspecting together with the discovery of a manila folder labeled with my oldest son’s name in a pile of what I had assumed were my boys grade school works of art. But instead of finding his stuff, there were safely all of my poems, drawings and writings. About my desires, wish, hopes, and dreams that I placed in this folder from out of my wish book, right after I crashed back in 2007 and I had thought all hopes of ever achieving were lost to me… To be found 2 days ago in my thoroughly cleaning out and discarding, bags and boxes full of old stuff. Which I have truly dug through and honestly looked at with the eyes and heart of do I need, desire or even mildly like that which now sits in front of me to see.
Interestingly enough finding these works of mine came right after reading in the book Dynamic Laws of Prosperity “Begin now by first asking yourself just what it is that you honestly desire most in your life. Be specific; be definite, and sincere with yourself. Then write down your dominant desires. Thereafter, declare in privacy, without telling anyone what you are doing, the divine fulfillment of your desires.”
Fascinated because these are my dreams…that I had shelved, hidden, even obscured from myself, except when one of the poems would briefly come into my mind for a second and I would try to remember all of it and then became afraid that maybe it was all of that dreaming had caused my dis-ease in the first place. Yet now, today looking back, I realize my being sick came was because I shared them with others who… I had allowed to change, correct, or minimize “My Deepest Desires” until my inner being had had enough of this lifelong tug of war of trying to “FIT IN”.
I have discovered in the last few months of introspect… that all of these teachers, writers, yogis, and gurus I have spent the last seven years following. Are just giving us their versions of how they accomplished things to have “their” lives work for them. We are all made as individuals looking for “Our own unique Signature and Style”!
Even now as I edit this, I am aware of the subtle hints my own inner beingness has been whispering to me as I have been persistently searching for my own direct connection. Noticing signs, slowing down to feel is this part of the trail, or is this the full deal. Much like when I find a new recipe that appeals to me, and as I am tasting, imagining and smelling the final results in my body. I find sometimes as I begin to read what I have printed out and go to the kitchen to see how many of the required ingredients I have on hand. I will espy a spice, or condiment I can substitute because I have almost all of the other ingredients, instead of stopping, running to town and buying the few other things I might need. To then find a better, tastier and many times awesome upgrade that is perfect for me.
By Jove I think I have this! As I walked around this morning raking hay and the metal handle snapped. My first thought was hmmm… then in my mind’s eye I remembered all the various sized pieces of scrap pipe in the barn. Took the rake in, found the pile, and rummaged through it till I found a perfect fitting piece. Then cut both the new internal extension to the right length, the rake handle open, rebending the flattened pieces, slipped in the extension now garnished with QuikSteel weld. Followed by a wrap or two of duct tape to allow usage of it until it can be taken up to the schools welding shop with my youngest son for his class tomorrow.
I am always guided; it just has been such a struggle to believe in myself… again. Because before I never really trusted or believed in me 100% all of the time, I so bought into the sideshow of life that tried and very successfully convinced me I didn’t have the right stuff. Except for when all of a sudden I was doing what minutes, days, weeks, months before I had been told was impossible… Hurray for me. I am beginning to confidently and consistently hold my own in a world full of other people’s opinions about life and doing it all My Way!!
All these thoughts drifting through my mind as I come in to alignment with my body on how I can comfortably live my life with it… is so not what I expected or was taught. I am discovering every day more and more habits that I do at an extreme price to my physical body now that it has had enough and has my full attention as I intuit why and what is right for me. Fascination holding the key when I rolled over in waking up this morning to absolutely no pain anywhere.
I then did the typical feel, move, stretch, and search for any signs of discomfort “before” I went to thanking my entire being for getting into agreement over how I can change pain by myself when I listen and trust the information that fleets across my mind, each time lingering longer as I begin to believe I am allowed to know what is best for me.
I am in total appreciation over the ease of simply being aware of the sensations in so many of my muscles just by when I am smiling, and the unique difference especially in my neck when I habitually choose any other facial expression. I was in awe of the sudden memory of the hall of our old house where my mother framed all of us girls pictures from K-12 and how I stopped smiling at about the fourth grade, the same time I realized working, equaled dollars. Creating things, yard work, leather craft, anything for a few dollars spending money always with this personal inspections from family others about how “right” or “good” it was.
The tons and tons of do overs, you missed a spot and the worst of all “you didn’t make that” until the entire piece was examined and the eventual flaw was found to satisfy the examiner. The whole time I felt I had to defend my work, try harder, do more to be paid and then was told how, where and what I was to do with the money earned.
This morning brought it even more to my attention as I took the time with each horse and became conscious of the seriousness I have extended to so many of the things I truly love doing. I now play the game of catching myself any time I am not smiling from this trained habit of defending myself for the right to do something my way. I have so well learned this amazing work ethic in all I do, even with each horse: grooming them till they sigh, discovering I have this natural (sheesh) grimace as I really get into grooming and stroking of each muscle. Catching the difference when I am doing it by feel, breathing real deep with each stroke and to inhale the smell of the moment, my face relaxed until I go to looking at what I might have missed and could do better. This time I smiled, I breathed, aware “damn I am hard on me”.
I go on to groundwork with each animal, again aware of any tenseness in my neck, and danged if it doesn’t match the moment my thoughts try to jump even 5 minutes ahead of what I am doing. So I grin, relax, leave the phone on the table and flip my watch over. The horses are different, easier, all of the steps asked for are met with this wonderful sense of ease and timing as I start off down the road for a half mile ride.
Trot, walk, trot, extend the stride, change hips, feel each back soften and move with me, oops the thought of one more horse to go. I feel the tug at my neck, I breathe, grin and let the thought go at the same time aware of the release in my shoulders, followed by a softer feel from my horse through the reins, a wonderful, light, supple connection.
Wow, I have been holding the world ransom from this habitual fear of having to defend my right to just play with, train, much less even own horses. The craziness I have bought into over the hundreds of times I let some other ask me how much I make, how can I afford to do what I do, much less the thousands of others who try to tell me how, when, where, and why none of this can or will work. I bought into their opinions, their ideas, their thoughts, their reasoning’s… to let all of that dictate my life. Defending and working so very hard to prove all of this stuff outside of me “matters” more than this passion that burns inside and brings me joy.
I smiled, breathed, allowed the tension and time to let go. I just connected, rode, danced, moved fast, then slow, had fun, and played being me. I don’t owe anyone or anything except my own body, mind, and spirit perfect alignment where WE ALWAYS LIVE TOGETHER IN EACH AND EVERY MOMENT OF NOW!!
My mind’s thoughts were “why do you care?” of course I had half a dozen readymade answers. But the feeling persisted, followed by the thought “you’re doing what you are arguing against”. Aware of how much I have been struggling and now honing with the idea of freedom from what others think about me. So I let the thoughts just be there. Aware of the thought again after we came home and he tried on the new shirts I had purchased. He liked one of them so much for how it felt and fit him that he kept it on. Then in eating supper, spilled something right there on the front of the new shirt in plain sight.
Once again I felt the urge rising, but managed to keep my mouth shut, just watching, feeling, and thinking. So I pondered, wrote, thought and looked over at him crashed out on the couch. Tired, but extremely impressed with himself on how easy and well he is doing at the alternative school, once he realized this school is just about getting his mind in order, helping him to learn to do each task till it’s complete. By helping him to format some kind of self-discipline and order of things in a way that make each task easier for him to complete, his only choice to look now being the desk in front of him and the partitions that surround it, which cause a form of really focused concentration. He has chosen/attracted this situation I know because he really wants to play high school sports and his current habits of being extremely quick minded, jumping from task to task; afraid he will miss something if he doesn’t do it all right now. Causing him to attract this different quieter situation. So like me, he is taking a sabbatical from his normal school environment to figure out how to be himself, alone, accomplished, without having to impress his peers, teachers, or others. I drift off to sleep, thinking, and feeling for the deeper answer I am seeking in this persistent chain of thought.
I awake with the memories of the many buses I have driven, the huge contrast of kids I have been entertained, annoyed, frustrated and disgusted by. Two huge instances coming fully int0 view: the first is one is a scene with a bus aide who has given up their own personal power in the struggle to get the child involved to behave. The words being used striking me as strongly familiar “I’ll tell your daddy”, my mind racing back to when I was young and how much fear that would send through me, well aware of the physical consequences. Except for now, my feelings are of sympathy both for anyone being used as a weapon/tool against another by someone who has lost their own sense of personal power.
The second instance is of a child being belittled for picking their nose. All the deriding, humiliation, taunting and teasing, for doing something that is by most people’s standards disgusting, even when they see animals doing it. Just now my mind reminds me of the day I was truly just observing a youngster, deeply in thought, trying to figure out or solve some truly big problem. Quietly placing his finger in his nose, to transfer to his mouth, with the most beautiful look in those eyes… Till the one sitting next to him, jerks the offending finger out and makes a big scene for all others to notice. An awakening awareness now finding me, about how much any of us use the tool that gives them the most comfort, allowing their mind to relax and then the answer comes. People all have their idiosyncrasies, some cigarettes, some twirling their hair, some playing with a body part, piece of jewelry, drawing on the most handy surface, chewing on gum, pencils, pens, the list goes on. But I am now conscious there are three things almost always involved…touch, taste, and smell.
My mind allowing me more insight into this ideal of what and how we are taught what ideals to live up to for another in our attempt to fit in or please. Please who?? I am amazed, as I sit here in fasciation of these pieces of life played out before me, judged, condemned, ridiculed and punished… because somebody, maybe a million years ago, decided it was wrong to touch, scratch or notice one’s own body for the answers that are stored within which are trying to get us to notice, exam, feel and find them. If we are allowed to just pay attention fully to ourselves, for those individual answers that are tailored made just for us to live the life God created us in his image to experience, exactly like we are!
I love my height, my build, my eyes, my skin, my abilities, my weight, my inabilities. My differences that cause me to be such a wonderfully, unique, marvel…known quite simply as “ME”!