Category Archives: wonder

I Just Didn’t Know

wonderTaking the time to write as I became aware of this morning’s first waking thoughts that tied so many pieces together of the last year or so since the day I stopped to read through my previous posts. Discovering that they all were many of the same layers, that kept spiraling back to a particular theme I was hoping I had resolved/untangled.

Once the awareness of the looping around, with very little progress forward… I stopped, aware of the mental notes of “how could I share with no sign/sense of progress”. Feeling lost, ashamed, confused…I didn’t quite throw the baby out with the bath water… I just quit writing and went within.

I  took the time to learn, see, feel and experience my “almost” every thought. To discover what a cruel taskmaster/critic I had become of myself. Not knowingly, purposely, or intentionally… just a long standing habit of critiquing my every move.

I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. I’ve learned to treat each thought, movement, and situation as if I am a baby just learning to walk.

I admire each step, each time I let go of the chair, each time I move away from an old habit, get a new view. Every time I manage to live more fully now, in my awareness of just being. I’m now playing it forward.

Amazed at the plethora of information, ideas, impulses and opportunities that have always been there… But I was so “stuck” in the way an answer or solution should look, feel, or be for it to be the a next step.

I was going around in circles, basically chasing my own tail as I fought myself and my old habits of “not good enough” must do or be more, show my work. To prove I was allowed to take the next step.

It took the effort to slow down, find out who I was desiring to be “hidden away from the outside world” as I strove to be who “everyone” else needed or suggested I should be, so they would feel better.

As I allowed myself the time to begin again. I discovered the exhaustion in all the work of keeping up a front. I had learned so well how to make others happy so I could fit in, so they would just allow me to be there. Not realizing that “there” is an optical illusion I was so convinced was better than “Now”.

I’ve learned wonder in being fully present, aware, and participating in each moment as I react in the awe of slowing down, knowing each thought has the feeling I choose to assign to it. My life has opened up to the wonderment and delight of being a child again. Exploring, allowing, becoming as I let my interest, my desires and my dreams up, and out to the Universe to fulfill in all the ways I didn’t even realize… Because like a baby, learning “I Just Didn’t Know”. Now I let my curiosity and delight guide me.

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