I have been amazingly deep in thought the last few days after the transition of a very close friend through his sudden suicide. This has had me truly in a state of limbo after the high flying place I was in minutes before the text came across my phone, and I called the intermediary to find out what he knew that might have caused this to have happened.
Finding solace in my own form of therapy, as I processed all of our last few months of conversations, the chat texts we shared on FB, the last month of his posts on line and all the texting still found on my phone. In an attempt to understand, find a trail, see if there were signs that I might have missed. To become aware as I was backtracking that there was a lot of information there now in the close light of scrutiny that showed things were not going as good in the direction I thought we were in agreement on in his moving forward to his new job.
Today I find peace in the fact I was seeing him successful, and happy as with each talk he made progress forward toward the life that was calling him forward. Except for his not confiding in me about his lady friend, but for one remembered conversation about his not bringing her up because of a fear of what it might do to our long time relationship as friends who lived thousands of miles apart. With only one possible meeting back in October of this last year when he came down to Texas for a shooting match and my circumstances did not allow me to drive the 400 miles up to visit with him and watch him compete.
That morning conversation finding out that sometime recently in the same time of his job loss, having to relocate to another state and being out of work for 3 months before the new job became a reality, she had told him he would never replace her husband who had also committed suicide. “She could never love him!”
This hit me in a place I least expected it to.
I have been seeing someone, with this teeter tottering over my latest learning situation… I found many attractive, interesting and amazing things about this individual… while at the same time, several old patterns of thoughts from my past kept popping up. My mind “working diligently on keeping the positive thoughts out to the forefront, with the constant reminder of “this or something better” ringing in my head.
Today after my meditation, when I awakened from a short nap where I woke up from a remembering my friend, with a slight nudge back toward where I was at minutes before the text about his choice with his life. The light went back on so strongly over how much I have learned how to love living life alone. I play with my time and create awesomely when I am happy, fully enjoying each moment and things just manifest left and right.
Yes this present man did just manifest out of nowhere. Yes he has many of the physical qualities on my desire list, and yes I could “work” at having this all turn out. Except I have been trying to be open to the possibilities of something better, fun, easy, that feels good… All The Time.
Quoting Geneviee Behrend from Your Invisible Power:
“Your mental picture is the force of attraction which evolves and combines with Origination Substance into specific shape. Your picture is the combining and evolving power house, in a generative sense, so to say, through which the Originating Creative Spirit expresses itself. Its creative actions is limitless, without beginning and without end, and always progressive and orderly. “It proceeds stage by stage, each stage being a necessary preparation for the one to follow.”
Yes I attracted an eligible, possible, interested man. “BUT” there were so many buts, yes there were lots of my list there, but I was checking them off the wrong way, from information gathered that all stated the pieces were there if I wanted “work” to put them together in the format I am wanting…. Instead of look I am progressing forward in necessary preparation for what I am going to have with the right man.
SHEESH… I had a fantastic time last night at work, flirting and cutting up with men that are friends of mine. It is fun, easy, entertaining and draws life through me. Wow, exactly what I am stepping toward.
My friend’s message to me seemed to say “Love yourself, first, foremost and completely… You will never be happy if you settle” I could feel his support for my heart’s desire… Not my head and how to make another project work. “Keep my eye upon the doughnut, not upon the hole”, focusing steadily upon the good feeling, easy, fun, whole, wonderful, loving , richly supported relationship that I can feel, sense and now touch all around me.
Kind of a rambling post… but I wrote this for me in an awareness of the quote I keep posted on my computer screen:
“That constant desire to please all the time—that can get you in some shit.”
— Robin Williams
If it helps someone else that’s great. If not that’s okay to, for I have let myself off of the hook of believing anybody else’s rules or standards need to apply to my own heart and dreams!
Last Thursday the words just started pouring out onto the page…
Listen said the wind, gently playing in my ear
Softly, quietly, to the words that venture near
Feel the darkness calling, beckoning your name
Seeking now to tell you, there is nothing to this shame
Find the inner knowing, hidden buried much too deep
All those very sacred wishes, are still here for you to reap
Listen to it whisper, patterns of remembrance on your skin dear
Gently, stirring and arousing things you were taught and learned to fear
Silently you’ve been seeking, a way out of all this pain
Asking, working, breathing, any and every way to fully live again
Trust these feelings, thoughts, and whisperings within you still alive
More than mere imaginings, they are the real you that you hide
No more pretending, treading gently, heeding traditions from the past
Let the new in, take it slowly, allow each moment fully now to last.
Slept for 6 more hours on and off in the middle of the day. To be awoken from a dream that was so vivid, all physical sensations present except the smell of my surroundings:
I was wandering through some market place, naked, when I came upon this art gallery displaying kids pencil drawings on large old brown paper bags. All of the sacks had various 1st and 2nd grade type art of the dreams of each child of who they wished to become or do when they grow up.
All of the various bags were hung up with old wooden clothes pins, on rainbow primary colors yarn crisscrossing in each room through this one entire building in this old stucco market square.
When I noticed the drawings were for sale to raise money, and I began to realize the artists were children from the local school I drive for. So I began searching through the drawings looking for my friend’s daughter’s name. When an assistant to the gallery came up to help me and after we could not find the particular girl’s work, we called her mother, asking her to help us come up and search for it.
She arrived moments later and the first thing she spied was the light, lilac, giant stranded wool sweater I was carrying draped across my arm. Commenting on how much she loved the pattern of the knitters’ work, when across her shoulder I saw the man whom when we were teesn I adored, but had been banned from dating, going into one of the other rooms. She caught my sudden movement as I stopped to follow after him with my gaze. When she prodded me to go get dressed while she would tell him I was there. She then pushed me into the adjoining room to slip on the long oversized, rough textured body sweater. As I finish pulling the sweater on I could see him across the parking lot, looking tall, tired, and older, smoking a cigarette dressed in a light tan caftan shirt, dark charcoal grey business type trousers.
A meeting was set up for later in the day at some college where he was taking drafting courses. I arrived to go into the room just to left of his classroom. I watched as he came in to the room I was standing in the dark of the farthest corner of. Observing as he came in and began this religious ceremony that reminded me of the ceremonies of one who studies the religion of worshipping Allah with prayer before a small alter always toward the western sky. In my mind I was comparing how much each of us had changed from the loving constraints of our well-meaning parents as to what religion was best for us.
I waited till his ritual was over before I went up to him, touched his shoulder so that he would know I was there. As he turned to me, I saw this deep, tired expression on his face like carrying the world of expectation of what it was I probably wanted now. While in the background played Chistina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” as I began to lead him over to the prayer mats on the ground next to the sacred pool.
Assuming a crossed legged position, I beckoned him to join me and we watched as many different videos played in small floating colorful square framed holograms of singular flowers, displayed with each playing a different healing melody around the edges of the pool. I could feel the sense of ease as with each different tune, some old memory of pain floated up from within and was released.
After all of this sense of past struggle left my body. I reached for his hand and told him thank you… I finally understood. He looked at me with relief and release spilling down his face, to then ask me if this was truly all I had asked to meet him for. I said yes and wished him the peace and love I now felt coursing through every fiber of my being… Awakening to an immense sense of change deep within, followed by the incessant need to write it all down.
Such an interesting morning to finally find myself writing after my last few weeks of dreams and imaginings to sign in to my computer and find confirmation in posts from friends about how we can best assist or change others is always by “our” thoughts and choices…
Yesterday I was prompted by this inner voice to look up the bible verses about Saul’s conversion after being blinded on the road to Damascus: “Acts 9:17 Then Ananias went to the house and entered it. Placing his hands on Saul, he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord—Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here—has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit. 18 Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again. He got up and was baptized, 19 and after taking some food, he regained his strength.”
The line about ” something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes” caused an electricity of energy to pulse through me and I clearly saw in my minds eye that the scales where like the ones for measuring weights. For it to then dawn on me how much we are “taught” to measure others by the standards that have been pressed upon us to be correct for the normalcy of the people we live with, hang out with, in the city, county, country or society we buy into. Taught always to be seeking to help change others into the ideas “we believe are best for them”, when the biggest change occurs when we love another completely, no limitations, no judgement… by just being aware of how what we are projecting about another is something we feel is wrong about ourselves that will be better… if the other person would change. To then find the same thing to constantly showing up in others as an indicator of what we are thinking, believing, and living is right or wrong by some standard we have learned that we are uncomfortable with, until we realize the only change comes from within.
Interesting enough as I am reveling in these very thoughts, I hear my son and his friend playing an X box game in the other room and the word “zombie” comes up… To find the voice in my head stating the thing so many people are talking about “the zombie apocalypse” is already upon so many already… who listen, read, regurgitate what the “press” (pressed upon us) news, advertisement, radio, tv, insurances, etc find a way to constantly have n front of or around us to seep into us to buy into the “belief” in fascination, fear, and the false sense of by doing whatever they say is right we will conform to feel safe and fit in.
Finding for myself in these last two months of continuous work at 2 full time jobs to the point of being able to just eat, sleep, see my son for meals and feed my horses as an interesting (in retrospect) much needed sabbatical.
Culminating in what felt like some cold coming on with the last 5 days of a low level fever, burning up on the inside, which so aided me in opening up and letting go of some really deep old buried beliefs that were so ingrained in me. Seemingly the only way for my body to assist me to discover, examine, and finally let go of all of these learned, bought into habits of beliefs… to find a deeper connection to God within in me.
The biggest awakening point coming after the total exhaustion into a deep, immersed in relief, sleep Tuesday… which was followed after waking by the words “Be still and know that I am God” with each intake of breath that I fully breathed in and then released. The entire sensation lasted for about 30 minutes with a feeling of connectiveness I have not experienced since my starting back on the journey to find the spiritual connection I had known from my NDE years ago. This being followed by small constant revelations of the unique perfectness of every part of me as me. Whom I have, do and will continue to encounter daily in others as being perfect examples of how and where I need to love all of me, by loving, appreciating and accepting every aspect of another as a mirror of something about me. Aware now it is always my ability to do something about this, when I pay attention to my each and every thought in my head, ever before it comes out of my mouth.
With love to all of you who have helped me to breakthrough to this deeper realization of me, in your sharing of your various tools, ways, ideas, and investments in becoming the all of who “YOU” wonderfully, individually and uniquely are!
The light just totally went on!!! The post I just read thinking’s spilt out onto the page for me to find. So fitting with the short delving into the book “Thick Face, Black Heart” and my last two intense weeks of reading, listening and meditating on both Catherine Ponder’s and Florence Scovel Shinn’s works. All of which I had been allowing myself to just be still with this morning for me to put all of this introspecting together with the discovery of a manila folder labeled with my oldest son’s name in a pile of what I had assumed were my boys grade school works of art. But instead of finding his stuff, there were safely all of my poems, drawings and writings. About my desires, wish, hopes, and dreams that I placed in this folder from out of my wish book, right after I crashed back in 2007 and I had thought all hopes of ever achieving were lost to me… To be found 2 days ago in my thoroughly cleaning out and discarding, bags and boxes full of old stuff. Which I have truly dug through and honestly looked at with the eyes and heart of do I need, desire or even mildly like that which now sits in front of me to see.
Interestingly enough finding these works of mine came right after reading in the book Dynamic Laws of Prosperity “Begin now by first asking yourself just what it is that you honestly desire most in your life. Be specific; be definite, and sincere with yourself. Then write down your dominant desires. Thereafter, declare in privacy, without telling anyone what you are doing, the divine fulfillment of your desires.”
Fascinated because these are my dreams…that I had shelved, hidden, even obscured from myself, except when one of the poems would briefly come into my mind for a second and I would try to remember all of it and then became afraid that maybe it was all of that dreaming had caused my dis-ease in the first place. Yet now, today looking back, I realize my being sick came was because I shared them with others who… I had allowed to change, correct, or minimize “My Deepest Desires” until my inner being had had enough of this lifelong tug of war of trying to “FIT IN”.
I have discovered in the last few months of introspect… that all of these teachers, writers, yogis, and gurus I have spent the last seven years following. Are just giving us their versions of how they accomplished things to have “their” lives work for them. We are all made as individuals looking for “Our own unique Signature and Style”!
Even now as I edit this, I am aware of the subtle hints my own inner beingness has been whispering to me as I have been persistently searching for my own direct connection. Noticing signs, slowing down to feel is this part of the trail, or is this the full deal. Much like when I find a new recipe that appeals to me, and as I am tasting, imagining and smelling the final results in my body. I find sometimes as I begin to read what I have printed out and go to the kitchen to see how many of the required ingredients I have on hand. I will espy a spice, or condiment I can substitute because I have almost all of the other ingredients, instead of stopping, running to town and buying the few other things I might need. To then find a better, tastier and many times awesome upgrade that is perfect for me.
By Jove I think I have this! As I walked around this morning raking hay and the metal handle snapped. My first thought was hmmm… then in my mind’s eye I remembered all the various sized pieces of scrap pipe in the barn. Took the rake in, found the pile, and rummaged through it till I found a perfect fitting piece. Then cut both the new internal extension to the right length, the rake handle open, rebending the flattened pieces, slipped in the extension now garnished with QuikSteel weld. Followed by a wrap or two of duct tape to allow usage of it until it can be taken up to the schools welding shop with my youngest son for his class tomorrow.
I am always guided; it just has been such a struggle to believe in myself… again. Because before I never really trusted or believed in me 100% all of the time, I so bought into the sideshow of life that tried and very successfully convinced me I didn’t have the right stuff. Except for when all of a sudden I was doing what minutes, days, weeks, months before I had been told was impossible… Hurray for me. I am beginning to confidently and consistently hold my own in a world full of other people’s opinions about life and doing it all My Way!!
The last few days have found me in a remarkable feat of truly cleaning house, barn and office. Espying things I so desire to now have, as I look around at what is here that I can change in a very concrete steps of movement forward, and all the while with an ear turned inward listening to the latest conversations going on in my head. Which less and less lately have been arguments between my old insistence of holding on to parts of my past that truly no longer serve me anymore and the truth of just letting go of them. I am realizing many of the items were things I was talked into and then have been clinging so hard to the imagined importance they have in my life.
The entire time my body has been orchestrating so many of the decisions by twinges of discomfort when I pick up an item to dispose of, then change my mind and put it back. Only to be met by a dull ache, which within minutes easily escalates to a full pain of “no, go it must”, after finding, pulling, stretching, massaging, even aspirin are not letting me off the hook.
Today finding me loads lighter, after several trips to sell, donate, or throw away various pieces and piles of memories I know needed to be looked at in a new light. Appreciated for their time in service to me and applauded for their holding out till I was ready to see… I truly can have my life, anyway that I desire. When I line up my outside world view with the way the inner me guides me to embrace my truly heart felt decisions. Guided by this whole body (heart, mind and spirit) which has been talking to me all along, just my understanding of right, wrong, rules, and long held decisions proclaimed to me from others as their truths. Really were “their” truths, they just didn’t and don’t fit me.
From my 29 x 38-40 inch inseams, to my size 8 ½ D men’s shoe size (that translates to about a 10 ½ to 11 in women’s) with my broad size large shoulders, to have to take up to a medium/small waste. My taste of cowboy boots, Wrangler blue jeans, and mostly cotton, soft to the touch, colorful sleeveless shirts, which I buy for the way they feel and fit. The sleeves are usually not long enough to get to my wrist, so I cut the sleeves off, redesign them into the pockets I prefer on shirts to hold my chapstick when I am out with the horses.
I am aware of my body’s guidance even now as I type for the words which just flow across the page, except for the feeling of stop, look again, maybe… then an aha as the right words fill in the pause of… hmmm, no not that… Yep that is perfect, as I smile aware of me finally getting me right. Topped off by the last few days of amazing, wonderful incidents of after each situation occurred and I calmly addressed the “that’s not what I had planned” with the words and the feelings of “this or something better” which resonated completely through all parts of me.
Last night’s clients choosing to wait two weeks to pay at the actual next lesson, instead of their usual pre-paying before the start of each new series. I breathed, smiled, said sure, while changing my plans for a meal out to what could be thrown together without going to town. As my youngest walked in, asked where we were going for supper, and before I could even get my thoughts together, said “my treat”, so off we went for a simple together supper. Where he then informed me he has been using my “thank you box” for himself. Hmm imagine that.
With this morning’s lesson a no show, I relished the cool weather and great ground after last night’s shower for me and my horses to utilize and enjoy. Followed by a quick trip to the feed and grocery store with a compelling urge to stop and buy some scratch off tickets. Which after all feed and groceries were put up, revealed 3 purchased tickets, 3 winners, $37.00 to the plus. All by listening to the inner guidance of my feeling good, my confidence with the quick impulses and my trusting my body for the distinct yes’s when I feel fine and the aches signaling I am out of sorts thinking and living from someone else’s beliefs or ideas of what is best for me.
Finding a peaceful, truly open feeling at my place as I discarded all of the stuff other’s, in their attempt to make my life comfortable to their beliefs and ideas of who I was expected to be. Now opens up and expands as I live for me, loving, caring and listening to all parts of me, guided by my every breath to know what is best and right for me to be the best me, listening to the Source within me!
All these thoughts drifting through my mind as I come in to alignment with my body on how I can comfortably live my life with it… is so not what I expected or was taught. I am discovering every day more and more habits that I do at an extreme price to my physical body now that it has had enough and has my full attention as I intuit why and what is right for me. Fascination holding the key when I rolled over in waking up this morning to absolutely no pain anywhere.
I then did the typical feel, move, stretch, and search for any signs of discomfort “before” I went to thanking my entire being for getting into agreement over how I can change pain by myself when I listen and trust the information that fleets across my mind, each time lingering longer as I begin to believe I am allowed to know what is best for me.
I am in total appreciation over the ease of simply being aware of the sensations in so many of my muscles just by when I am smiling, and the unique difference especially in my neck when I habitually choose any other facial expression. I was in awe of the sudden memory of the hall of our old house where my mother framed all of us girls pictures from K-12 and how I stopped smiling at about the fourth grade, the same time I realized working, equaled dollars. Creating things, yard work, leather craft, anything for a few dollars spending money always with this personal inspections from family others about how “right” or “good” it was.
The tons and tons of do overs, you missed a spot and the worst of all “you didn’t make that” until the entire piece was examined and the eventual flaw was found to satisfy the examiner. The whole time I felt I had to defend my work, try harder, do more to be paid and then was told how, where and what I was to do with the money earned.
This morning brought it even more to my attention as I took the time with each horse and became conscious of the seriousness I have extended to so many of the things I truly love doing. I now play the game of catching myself any time I am not smiling from this trained habit of defending myself for the right to do something my way. I have so well learned this amazing work ethic in all I do, even with each horse: grooming them till they sigh, discovering I have this natural (sheesh) grimace as I really get into grooming and stroking of each muscle. Catching the difference when I am doing it by feel, breathing real deep with each stroke and to inhale the smell of the moment, my face relaxed until I go to looking at what I might have missed and could do better. This time I smiled, I breathed, aware “damn I am hard on me”.
I go on to groundwork with each animal, again aware of any tenseness in my neck, and danged if it doesn’t match the moment my thoughts try to jump even 5 minutes ahead of what I am doing. So I grin, relax, leave the phone on the table and flip my watch over. The horses are different, easier, all of the steps asked for are met with this wonderful sense of ease and timing as I start off down the road for a half mile ride.
Trot, walk, trot, extend the stride, change hips, feel each back soften and move with me, oops the thought of one more horse to go. I feel the tug at my neck, I breathe, grin and let the thought go at the same time aware of the release in my shoulders, followed by a softer feel from my horse through the reins, a wonderful, light, supple connection.
Wow, I have been holding the world ransom from this habitual fear of having to defend my right to just play with, train, much less even own horses. The craziness I have bought into over the hundreds of times I let some other ask me how much I make, how can I afford to do what I do, much less the thousands of others who try to tell me how, when, where, and why none of this can or will work. I bought into their opinions, their ideas, their thoughts, their reasoning’s… to let all of that dictate my life. Defending and working so very hard to prove all of this stuff outside of me “matters” more than this passion that burns inside and brings me joy.
I smiled, breathed, allowed the tension and time to let go. I just connected, rode, danced, moved fast, then slow, had fun, and played being me. I don’t owe anyone or anything except my own body, mind, and spirit perfect alignment where WE ALWAYS LIVE TOGETHER IN EACH AND EVERY MOMENT OF NOW!!