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How Does One Explain…

The stuff I hear, feel and sense before and as it happens. As I have been chasing, scaring, and startling people for years… with the words that just pop out of my mouth of exactly what another is thinking, desiring or experiencing. Being able to answer a question that hasn’t been asked or replying to an email almost seconds after it has been sent. Tuning in so vividly to another as to pick up the phone when they call, return a text, give the next answer in a game, almost a whirling dervish as I seem to appear out of the ether’s  with the appropriate item, or reply. Wandering up to diagnose an animal, before someone even knew or asked what’s wrong as they looked strangely at me with my forth coming answer, and then they would quickly walk away looking at me crazily. To then come back days, weeks even months later, asking “how did you know?”

Struggling to fit in, to make some sense out of what I thought anyone could do. Slowly withdrawing further and further into my personal lair of safety, as the criticism caused me to find solace in my solitude with the animals. Till the curtain dropped again and again and then again, forcing me to either quit completely and buy into what the world was selling of how I should be… but the ringing sounds and sensations wouldn’t give way to the medication and prescribed treatment from examinations by those so book learn-ed as the male doctor who told me about my giving birth…

His description was textbook perfect; I was not due for another month. He had plans for the weekend, he would see me the next Monday and then we would talk. I told him he would miss it, for I “knew” my son would be born that Saturday. I was right, I was tapped in to life in a way I am now still learning is okay as I find my way back to what use to annoy others, yet it was the way I experienced each and every moment.

The “curse” of telling others what they prescribed was not the truth, at least not for me. This came home so solidly when I gave up on medicine and went to the horses to help heal me, after I struggled with medication and exercises that I was told “yes” the side effects might make me sicker before I was better, but it was necessary. Thanks, but no thanks… I chose instead the hour and a half decision to walk 80 ft, saddle my horse, leaning on and using him to get to the round pen, to then maneuver my way to throw myself up and off the other side. The whole while my horse stood there patiently waiting, as I finally struggled aboard and asked him to help show me what I needed to do.

To go from crippled with vertigo, barely mobile, half of my face paralyzed unresponsive… to first riding 3 horses in three weeks, to 5 or more horses daily with two to three lesson a day, each day feeling and looking better, more comfortable, more confident, healthier, physically, mentally and spiritually. To now almost 6 years later, amazed by what I have unlearned, re-thought and re-discovered I actually really did know all along, I just hid it away or disowned it in my attempt to not be so weird, different, and strange.

Funny how far we can try to run away, not realizing we are carrying ourselves with us no matter where we go. I appreciate everything I have been through. That I had to get to the middle of the tangle of my life to find a new, better, way to the truth of what beats at the heart of me.

Since this last weekend the awareness and sensing has gotten stronger, easier to tap into… there is only just a little uneasiness left. Which as I write these words I find I am still judging me, as I watch each word in each sentence appear… I am just not stopping, editing or changing, as I let myself flow out onto the page. I am alive, I am worthy, I matter to myself so much more than the noise of the world use to be able to talk me out of. I am here; I am unique, different, real and so connecting to all of the hidden closed off parts of me so long denied. I R Friske, I R Fantastic, I R am becoming more and more truly alive every day, as I find the truth for me in every moment, by feeling for how good it feels to be honestly me. I needed to learn to honor my feelings for me… FIRST!

Following a Feeling…

For such a long, long time I have been trying to get clearer on this sense or feeling that is always compelling me, inviting me, enticing me to move, breathe, and take one more step toward this dream, goal, or ideal that has been with me as long as I can remember. Urging me to go a little further, wait a little bit longer, dig a little deeper, find one more place of release from the prison around my heart that I was made aware of just a few days ago in my constant awareness to God guiding me back to me when I had this last Sunday to remember…

Calm, easy, even a little over cast as I finished up my reconstruction of my saddling area with newer, bigger shades of 12 X 18 and then taking the smaller old one to erect over the dogs enclosure. Fascinated with my life as I have learned to slow down, and play my way forward. Which means I have learned to not get in a hurry, ask for things in my mind and have the Universe surprise me with the answers usually within moments after I let go of the thought.

Like the one that caused me to wander into the house after the last rope was re-strung and re-placed, to go to Facebook perusing for a quick smile from any of the sources I am connected to that share positive and uplifting posts. When I clicked on one video of a man wonderfully playing a guitar in an unusual fashion, even though I enjoyed the music, I found my eye wandering to the comments on the side to see one light up. Urging me to read it about someone playing a guitar the same way in the movie “August Rush”, which I promptly looked up to find that I had actually seen the movie before, though I felt this prompting to find it and see it again.

So I watched it, to find several places in it that called to me, till one particular scene literally caused my heart to expand and push against the walls I had erected to protect it from ever being made fun of or misused again. Finding as I wound my way to the end of the movie this lifting of some old burden which now was calling me to write it down and set myself free.

I thought about it, yet nothing came out… I could feel the rattling of the door, see the key just inches away inside with me, yet unable to move… So I waited, rode, cleaned, felt, watched the movie again, took a break, listened, and allowed the feelings to just build. Until last night when I felt the urge to watch it again and yet found myself being guided to re-watching another movie on my list, which once again stated the need to write it out. Set myself free… to be fully me.

Passionate, proud, tall, horse connected, sometimes wonderfully oblivious to others as I play with the horse energy I find myself drawn to. I reach, feel, seek, and listen for the guidance and the peace I find when I reconnect a horse to actually engaging and being with a human. As they soon find there is someone here who is finally, trying to listen and engage with their energy of aliveness.  It is so rewarding to be part of the transformation from just watching a horse who is tolerating life, one who is referred to as “dead broke” just existing, surviving, being fed, rode, handled as a tool, a worker, a slave to taught or learned habits (much like me) once again fully alive, relating and even anticipating life.

I find myself, now much more honest, aware of having shut so many doors in the castle that is me, closed off from fully imagining, much less allowing into my life… all of the dreams, desires and wishes I have kept locking away after putting them on the shelves in taking care of any and all others first. Thinking I did not matter, not as me, myself and I, the lady who lives, alive, glowing, insightful, aware and so passionate about the feelings she takes in and the visions she sees of the grandeur of almost all animals and people she meets. When she gets in the zone and away from the crowds of those she has mistakenly been trying to live up to their ideas and memories of who she should be.

The energy I feel is all around us, one just needs to find and trust it. Writing it all down now, today and sharing it with others is like I am finally calling back to him, expecting him to read it and find me. I have never quit on my passion…It’s the only place I can escape and let it all go to fully connect with life. I am writing today in hope and anticipation of it finding its way into his hands… years of aware anticipation, for the dream, the man, and the life I have been seeking since I was a very tiny child… now letting it out, opening the door, letting and expecting My Idea of life in… to begin!!

Hedging My Bets…

So much stuff to ingest, digest, assimilate, and ruminate upon as I find myself stumbling, bumbling, tripping and getting myself kicked in the process of thinking way too much, instead of comfortably and confidently feeling my way forward in the process of finding my way forward to all of me. This person I am more becoming everyday as I strip away all of the encompassing layers of doubt as to my rights and capabilities to move from the safety of this corner I find that “I” have tricked myself into believing is enough.

It’s been safe… it allows people in incrementally for me to teach, learn, understand, watch and observe as I much different ways of personal boundaries from paying attention to the horses, life is not at all as I have learned or expected it to be. I have found the cause of the stuck feeling, the sense of watch, wait, learn, wait, smaller,  slower, wait again, look closer, get right up next to it… and an alarm goes off, someone walks in, a movement to fast to just get finished in time, for someone else’s nod of approval, acceptance, an avalanche of rules and guidelines about life, the customer is always right, take care of others, this is what is promised as it is spelled out in plain black and white on paper.

To find myself sitting in front of the computer, moments after finally watching a movie that caught my eye weeks ago, which contained an answer I was seeking from within. From the words that bubbled up days ago when I awoke about how I keep “hedging my bets”, by not putting all my eggs in one basket, and keeping my life on hold till I get it right.

I met the most attractive man a few weeks ago. He is kind, friendly, interesting, cowboy/horseman, who approached me because of my jingle when I walk (I wear spurs because I ride almost every day). We had chatted once before in another store, now as I strode past him, and in his need to follow his path back to his love of horses. He did an about face and tracked me down. The Universe aware I needed his conversations about horse training as much as he did mine.

We have become friends, awakening and recognizing the hunger that is fueled when one gets to talk about their passions to another on the same level with an understanding of the drive to ride, to move, to breathe, to become one with a horse. Finding the mutual respect for another on the same path we have spent several hours talking, texting, and emailing across the spans of several hundred miles from his home place, till his work brought him back to this area. Where he stopped by to visit, eat, chew the fat and play with the horses. Though on one of the visits as he stepped out of the truck I had an epiphany of so many of my desires walking toward me, to be further amazed when as we were out back at the pens, as he casually walked up to one of bars, to bend, twist, and rewire it into place.

To the simplest of minds, one might think I would move forward and say something. Nope. Not me, I sat on it for the next few days. I held my ground, shut my mouth and tried to talk myself out of it. Which then caused the awareness of what “hedging” was about… I am not honest with me. I think way too much, trying to rationalize, categorize, or socialize what I should do.

It’s the awareness of my latest habits that have finally been uncovered, after I took the time with the horse whose hoof print’s bruise is still slowly being absorbed back into my body. To slow down, truly feel, watch, and observe where the unexpected lashing out came from. This horse has enough old scars of having been patched back together that could take years to uncover the stories of how. In the five days here after the escapade, I discovered there is a particular place he will kick out at as he moves to get whatever is there back into his line of sight. A blind spot, a place to protect, because he had been injured there, he can’t move comfortably out of it, or a reaction to whatever originally caused it.

Whatever the reason, somewhere from his past, he has been reacting without thought, just habit and instinct. The horse chiropractor is due this next week, he will be adjusted and now trusts that someone is assisting him to find a better way to be with people. He has also taught me how my trust was all out of sorts, to the point I “use” to not speak up for me, not always when I write, I like the pieces more like this one that just flows, appears on the page. For me to copy, take to Word Press to paste, edit and then post.

Thankfully I have found a wonderful new friend in this man, that when I told him how gorgeous he was and how well he fit many of the things on my list. Applauded me for my honesty of telling him exactly how I felt (even though it took three or four days). He understands that I admire him, he’s awesome, and it’s okay to savor, and maintain our friendship, because I matter. To me this man, the horse, my listening to the voices in my head are just signs from God that I am being led toward all of my hopes and dreams. As I learn to get out of my own way and surrender to the guidance that keeps showing up, even when we aren’t paying attention… God just sends another, and another, and another. Allow, trust, and honesty all for me to do for me, myself and I!

The Common Denominator…

It’s been awhile since I touched the keyboard to do anything except play and communicate with those people  who touch my life and reflect back to me exactly where I am at any given moment. Which up until about 15 minutes ago… was decidedly still stuck, drilling for an answer in the same quagmire of life that I have been living and sorting through for the last seven years trying to find all of me.

This has allowed me to delve into many realms of answers, ideas, and solutions found out in the world around me, both locally and via the internet. Though as of late I could really feel that I have been basically turning over the same rock, in the same fashion, just with a slightly different twist each time as I think back over all of my writings… because each  of them all point to the fact I have still been stuck. Existing, living, sharing, and progressively improving my position in life with the ever elusive goal… tantalizing and teasing me so seemingly right in front of me, only to then once again slip from my grasp.

The best part being, I am stubborn, determined and wonderfully supplied with a constant stream of horses and their owners to have a look see as to where this stuckedness is still coming from. Thankful as the money flow and communication with others has been constantly on the upswing. This has provided me with a new horse put in training 19 days ago, a young filly, just turning four, started with ground work, one saddling and once being led around with a child on her back, now to become the new mount for one of my newest students of the last two months.

The filly has been quite an interesting puzzle coming from a friend who does fantastic groundwork as evident with the last two horses of hers to grace my place. The only difference is with this mare is she expects to do exactly what she has been taught, her way, when and only as stiff and unyielding as she can be. Leading to the incident of the introduction of a rope that I looped on the saddle horn, which at the sound of hondo being tightened, she proceeded to take off bucking and running as hard and fiercely as was possible, before finally settling into a three hour trotting in full flight session.

This massive distrust of any movement away from her personal ideas of how things should be, causing her to duck, turn, and rapidly cover every foot of the pen with the rope just kept off the ground as I used it to constantly direct and redirect her. Occasionally garnering a stop, till there was any movement she spotted or heard coming from the rope still casually attached to the horn. About the time I was considering maybe I had stumbled onto a horse that I would have to physically out last (so not on my list of accomplishments) When from across the road the neighboring mare gave out a loud whinny, causing the little mare to snap her head around in the other horse’s direction as she slid to a stop to investigate.

Wonders of wonders… The sudden transformation from a determinedly possessed to wear one of us out wall-eyed in full flight, I found myself watching this horse suddenly become docile, soft, listening… as I watched what was the necessary catalyst to snap her out of her habitual fear response. Much like slapping someone in the face to get their attention when they become hysterical, allowing me to marvel now two days later as she continues to amaze me with her progress, each day doing more, easily meeting me at the gate, looking forward to the grooming, handling and riding.

This caused me yesterday to decide to tackle Freckles my small appaloosa and see if I could find the missing link that has caused him to be so stuck in his training, as it dawned on me that he too has consistent habitual freeze, don’t move, responses to many of the things asked of him, causing me to reflect on my own sense of  feeling frozen in place. To find myself  32 hours later with two horses, completely and freely moving, listening and socializing with me and my training as the common denominator caught me suddenly aware of the rock I have been looking under… the rock was the answer, it’s my golden nugget. I have been looking on it, under it, around it, talking about it, just not able to see it for what it means to me and for others.

With training horses, there are two truths… either they are comfortable or their not. When they are comfortable they are great and easy to be around, if they are not there are four common reactions to their problems: fight, flight, faint or freeze. In dealing with these two animals I discovered my own life patterns staring me in the face. My fighting to be right, to be heard, to be alive or to have my life my way… My flight, running away from myself (and getting nowhere fast) doing busy work, saving and rescuing others, any dozen of excuses to run away from walking “fully” toward my dream… Freezing with cold feet, excuses, kids, trucks, weather etc. etc. And lastly fainting, sleep, drinking, eating, movies books any dozen of overindulgence’s that I have to finish or wait till I am done, before I move to the next one…( I was so taught to finish what I started)

Here today I now know my stuck habits, I have looked them in the face, discovered I am in charge of me. There is no more defining moment than to feel the freedom in catching oneself so determinedly being caught sitting on the fence, with all of these perfect reasons and plans why not to move!  Why it seemed so important to figure it out… with the having to figure it out just as much as a delay factor as the rest. I feel like such a burden has been lifted off of me, as I have been smacked in the face with my own true reality, that I teach and tell others on an almost daily basis. We usually need most what we are telling to others… Imagine that!

Pieces of the Puzzle…

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I drive for a different school district than my youngest and it seems like years since I have just had a day off with no one around and just allow it to unfold. Wow and actual day off with nothing planned.So I had a great, late, lingering in bed meditation and then wandered in to check my emails, sifted through Facebook, espied “the game” figuring I would just play for five lives.

To find myself an hour and a half later caught up in the conversation going on in my head of how to accrue the needed points to get the third star. Discovering all of these tools I have for manifesting and accomplishing things, being handed to me for me to use, get the feeling of, then discard and move to the next, as fast as I could think. All the while this discussion of ideas and possibilities was going on, I noticed how not totally focused on the task at hand I truly was. I was in a dialogue with my own mind.

Which once I noticed what was going on, I could feel my body relax as if to play along with me getting my own attention all sorted out. So I took a breath and felt my gut for advice… to find this feeling of comfort and ease. My body was allowing me to let go of time, just to be here, on the computer, not really doing anything… just being in the moment. The tension of there being any importance to being anywhere, doing anything, having to accomplish something, or finish the level… all gone, as I discovered the freedom of being with myself in silence… which lasted a lot longer than I was completely aware of as I suddenly found I had done two full rounds, both with in less than500 points of my goal and lives left over.

So I quit and closed it out to go take a shower. To find all of these thoughts and ideas, once again rapidly piecing together in my mind. As I scrubbed off the early morning and I allowed the possibilities to line up in my head. Drying off to grab my camera and snap some quick images that would allow me to show in pictures the ideal description for each chapter of my book. Went to the computer with the card from my camera to download and transfer the marvelously fluid idea into it, but no matter what I did, nothing worked.

It took a full twenty minutes of the slow feeling rise of struggling to catch myself, stop, and focus elsewhere, for my eye to spy the little link thingy with my son’s card still in it. I quickly swapped it out, then fitted it in the correct slot to have the display inform me of the 45 minutes necessary to download all of the photos. I then figured how easily I could now go play with my horses, do some chores and arrange stuff for this evening, as the computer did its thing.

Fascinated with the habit of still attempting to struggle something into place because of the old thought of the time it might take. The time it takes, is the time it takes. Was further demonstrated for me when Freckles, my short horse with the scars of being pushed too hard, to fast, to roughly. Damaged, scared, and fully having had had enough of humans six years ago… walked up to me to be caught, reached his lips out to gently nuzzle my hand for a possible treat and then brought his nose around when asked to either side, just for a soft scratch between his ears. He rode like a little, cocky, I can do whatever you require of me, because I have learned if I freeze in uncertainty of what you are asking… you will slow down and let me figure it out.

I am now doing that for me. Learning to listen for when my mind becomes too full of ideas, possibilities and questions. Slowing it down, shifting its focus, allowing myself to breathe, relax, and find a place of connection between all of the parts of me.

All these pieces and tools, none of them perfect by themselves, none of them working completely alone, none of them the only answer. All of them are parts of the bigger puzzle to who I truly am. All of them worthy, different, real, or imagined… the connective pieces that allow one to be fully alive, learning, discovering, imagining, creating or just living fully in the now. I just love how much easier it all is than I was ever told or imagined. Living fully in the now…totally is amazing!

 

Making Choices…

Last night as I was trying to distract myself again, still stuck on level 14 with those 3000 points just eluding me, I heard this incredible bickering, snippy, aggravating, mean, bitchy, hag inside my head. Admonishing me for each and every move I made, or any person who I espied as choices for friend connections on Face Book.

I heard this voice in my head that was scolding, mean, belittling, annoying, just plain rude, and so uncaring as it presented me with tons of facts from the my past over why I could not, should not or would not ever, ever, fit in or be liked. Even though it took almost an hour or more of playing, loosing, and stubbornly replaying the same level over and over and over, because I knew I was not playing the game so much as I was allowing me to feel for where I was still holding me stuck, still, and frozen.

This was about me… and this constant really, subtle noise in the back of my mind. Which has been there for years, just has become a lot louder and obvious as I cleared out, cleaned up, and sorted through so many of the other layers of beliefs and opinions that no longer work for or serve me. And when I recognized, fully felt, and heard it… the internet froze, I lost connection, allowing me to close the screen and retire to meditate my way through to my dream state and allow the Universe the opportunity to guide me in letting this go.

I drifted off to sleep, waking up late, with a curious dream of lying upside down in a yoga position next to a wall, and selling this man a truck as he sheepishly offered more than I expected or wanted. I began to right myself to make a choice, aroused just enough to sleepily reach for my earphones, turned back on the meditation of change and drift back into the release phase to then wake up feeling comfortably different like I can make conscious decisions of how to respond so much more easily than ever before.

I opened my email allowing myself to be drawn into an ongoing exchange on a horse training site that I frequent, about a young lady making decisions about each of her next steps going forward with this horse she is retraining. In the dialogue exchange she is always very open about what steps she has taken, which resources she has touched upon, and her opinion about how or why she chooses to use or not use a particular source. Always stating her openness to learning the why’s and how’s of others to peruse upon and make more choices as she continues working with this horse.

After reading through the particularly long message digest and copying to my horse info folder any new interesting and possibly useable for later tools of ideas and information. I discovered a newer email just posted from the same sight which included a link to her video of the success of finally connecting up with the horse and having it allow her to lead and touch it.

She had done such a wonderful job, was having so much fun by choosing the tools that worked for her. I just stopped, and sent her a reply of the marvels in her choice of learning, sharing, and the success she now so joyfully had accomplished. With the blessing of continued advancement and achievements in this line of communicating and working with horses she was exhibiting such pleasure in.

I then went on to Face Book, laughing at the humorous postings, re-posting any and all that fit me, or I enjoyed so much I just loved the feeling of sharing them further. Finding two of my friends in that curious state of perplexed confusion of the frustration of having been moving forward to suddenly hit a wall that seemed insurmountable.

I allowed the words to easily roll out from under my fingers of breathing, relaxing,and reminding them of how blessed and deserving they are. God is just helping them to sort out more of what they do want, allowing them to rest, sift through and discard what they don’t. The next step is to relax, realize, consider, and then choose by saying: Thank you, Next… Please! Allowing the Universe to then work its magic of leading them further forward to their dream, minus the unwanted things that moments before they had been holding onto as their only answers.

As I finished all the new fun things on the Face Book page I noticed the voices have been gone, silent, or absent from my immediate presence. So I re-opened my mail site to my emails to find several messages from all of those I had taken the time to acknowledge their wondrous selves, what they had accomplished, and how good it felt to to share in their uniqueness. Which caused this immense quickening within … I have done it. I have gone round the corner to noticing and responding to only the good I notice or see.

I am sharing with others as I open up to truly becoming okay with me. Right here, right now…as I write, play on the computer, enjoying almost each minute of my morning. The bully, skeptic, critic, intolerant, meaning well bitch was not even present. Both of the two times earlier when she started to say something… I stopped, felt around, and chose otherwise. To now find myself almost three hours later, not in a hurry, satisfied and eager for more. I am truly looking forward to the other things I am going to accomplish today. At my own pace, in my own way, from the choice of who I am today. The door to the past of just reacting is closing more and more every day! Sigh…

Comfortable or Uncomfortable…

This has so been the underlying theme of the last few days for me as I am seemingly fine in the simpler task of cleaning, moving, driving, brushing, grooming and extending myself when necessary. Yet there was this decided tiredness that I sort of noticed Sunday after my e-mails and then I visited with friends. It then vanished during the two hour lesson that afternoon. Though it showed up sort of understandably right before bedtime, so I did my stretches, turned on my bed and comfortably dozed off with no lingering unanswered thoughts that needed immediate answers.

Went through my day Monday truly aware of the building heat of the much needed approaching rain, as I tended my chores, before going through my selection of horses starting with Charlie and his return to my riding lineup after re-bandaging his nicely healing wound. Noting how attentive and interested he was in being thoroughly groomed, stretched  and introduced to the new patterns, which he easily maneuvered at a walk then trot, with no sign of anything, except his desire to be out doing with me instead of the just being turned out.

Move on to Gidget my little girl, who easily bent, stretched and responded to each cue with a more relaxed being-ness and ease of participation in the smaller circles and bends where I explored my ability to communicate less and less with the reins and bosal. As I continued the dance of ask, respond, ears are where? Ah, there… I received the tip of it extended back to me waiting for the next cue of any leg muscle and her quick reaction to my thoughts as we slowly progressed from a little tension in her to a softness that matched my tempo. Be it fast, slow, forward, back or sideways as we maneuvered through patches of weeds and brush and I felt the sigh of recognition that she is in tune, comfortable and listening to what I ask for.

I move from her to the little horse Freckles to find all of the same steps slowly becoming easier for him as well. Though mentally noting the few stuck places of him trying to rush to what he thought I was going to ask, till he found the comfort of just patient response always guiding and assisting him back to easy, slow…okay steps.

Finding myself with my big horse Revolver, still aware of the tenseness that begins after grooming should anyone begin any steps toward saddling, as I am on heighten awareness of the signs I have to have been missing. I add the blankets one at a time, noting his breathing, eye contact, and body stance. Then the saddle, still paying attention, knowing I am on the right track when I feel his head look away, to be quickly followed by his body starting to curve with his belly toward me, which I address when I notice he tips his ear away first. I moved my hand forward to adjust his lead rope and I am surprised to watch his eyes lock on my hand the minute it moves to proceed up past his jaw toward the bar where he is tied.

I marvel at this movement I have made hundreds of times before, which has him in a total look of discomfort and extreme panic. So for the next thirty minutes I work with nothing except the movement of my hand from my side to forward toward the rope. Incrementally waiting each time till he changes his perception of what will happen. To finally manage to cause a relaxed, comfortable horse with an old fear, now thoroughly dissected and reconstructed, allowing me to finish and have a great ride.

Monday evening then found me browsing on the computer and I went from the high of a deconstructed old problem, to the blasted much more obvious tiredness. Which found me again yesterday, moments after I finished unloading hay, feed, making the rounds, grooming, doctoring and just too exhausted to continue, acknowledging the intense heat of the approaching front and my not taking a day off from horses. Suddenly aware of feeling like I was doing way too much again, what was it I enjoyed so much about this if I was now so incredibly tired?

I went and drove, came in fixed supper, ate, and tried to read, write or just play on the computer. Even taking the time to browse the want ads, maybe a new job or another way to view mine, my life, my goals, my whatever’s. No way, I was all give out, so I stretched, said goodnight to my youngest and went to sleep with full intention of figuring this reoccurring tiredness out. As I dozed off I found myself in this half waking dream of things being decided for me by others in the first part in small stuffed uncomfortable places, and then this luxurious huge, comfortable, round bed, with thick, warm, fuzzy blankets in front of huge, perfectly laid out round stone fireplace, all of these wonderful people working and caring with me together as a team, and I dozed soundly off.   

This morning I knew what was going on as I opened my emails and found the perfect letter of confirmation. Which I laughed at the title as I opened it and allowed the first sentence to register inside of me. Feeling the power of no, not now, not tomorrow, not even… I scrolled down the page and found the unsubscribe button clicked on it, followed it up with their desire to know why stating “It’s Uncomfortable” then closed the tab and deleted the email, as I felt this huge weight of indecision lift off of me.

To then have the most incredible, fun lesson with my client as I helped her to find the right feeling decisions for her and her horse on any and every question she asked or that presented itself to be worked through. As we laughed, breathed, and relaxed, several times showing her possibilities and then getting out of the way, watching, listening and encouraging whenever she got stuck and asked for help. Or when things were beginning to re-escalate and a quick reminder or my body movement from the right spot on the go, caused the two to blend and her to feel the comfort and ease. Compared to her trying to think it through. She was experiencing the feeling, the comfortable movement of connection allowing big sighs from both as they relaxed into just being a team.

The tiredness stemming from my discomfort over allowing another’s opinion to shake my ideas of believing what I desire is possible my way. My uncertainty rising to the forefront over the credentials of others with more expertise, verses my gut instinct. My body is tired of me not trusting fully in the wondrous, intelligence that resides with-in me to easily guide me on the right path for me. By truly trusting the two simple feelings: It’s either comfortable or uncomfortable. I know this is so easy, but I still have a slight scrambled bit of that old engine running about listening to others with the distinction being between their ideas/possibilities/probabilities and their opinions/shoulds/rigid/definite. I love the freedom to add stuff to my toolbox, when and how I decide it feels and fits comfortably for me!

 

The Trail of Crumbs…

I woke up this morning to find myself with this incredible vibrating, bouncing, awake and very much alive energy from the dreams I had last night, which were brought about by the last few things I was viewing, reading, then talking and texting about. Fully aware of all the questions I have been asking the last few weeks and all of the answers that were now so coming fully into my awareness as I am awakening and discovering the me that has been safe fully ensconced behind the mask of uncertainty which frequently still appears frozen in spots on my face.

Though this morning’s barrage of information I almost could not record as fast as it was pouring out of the now almost fully opened door from my past. The very past I have been accused of running away from, trying to escape, and thoroughly avoiding like the plague of disaster I had felt I was to my family, in my total inability to quietly, easily, and correctly fit in.  In my constant tendency to run full tilt into one sometimes painful encounter of “you did what, your grounded” after another. All the time being reminded why can’t you be more like your sisters, the occasional mention of how messy, tom boyish, bullheaded, stubborn, totally unpredictable and “who do you think you are”. To remind me there must be something wrong with me, because no matter how hard I would try… the little “brat” in me would escape and run the havoc of playing horsey, jumping over things in horse fashion, only playing with my sisters if I could bring my horse statues and get dirty.

Even being enrolled in tap and ballet so I could have feminine virtues was an interesting test between the older lady assigned to keep all girls returned to their appropriate classes, if found standing on the toilet seats so not to be discovered and sent back. Before I could make my mad dash up the stairs out to the freedom of the outdoors, then down the block to the library, to be later collected by my mother as I was deep in the fantasy dream world of horses, riding, playing, romping out on the plains, in the mountains, or splashing on the shores of the ocean.

Free to be me. Fully loose, engaged in my desires, happily rambling along for hours after the spanking or groundings of who I was going to be and the things I would accomplish. All brought fully home to the very core of me of the slight chance of impossibility in the latest barrage of others attempt to entice me to fit in to the newest, fastest, easiest, most successful way to make money… lots of it… fast. Just not for me,and I can say this with full confirmation that the Universe has my back.

I have become aware of that it pays for me to notice when things come in threes. There is always some piece of information I have asked for, now being presented for me to understand and do more or less with in my further learning about it. This present third attempt had all of the right words put together to cause me to click on the video…which on this particular site finally played all the way through on the third try. Leading me to another video, with me already on the alert the next move would be a choice of ease or discomfort as it began to reveal itself.

I so love my listening to my inner self, because even before the video opened, the headlines on the page were glowing brightly… Stop, delete, this is not for you! So I quickly closed it all out, deleting the other two possibilities, and high fiving myself for noticing and listening to my body in finding which direction I am to now head.

Suddenly so many questions were being answered in rapid succession, now that I had finally found the key to understanding and listening to “all” of me. I realized the reason the different guys I have dated in the past kept coming up. Why old stories and tales would occasionally make themselves known in situations where I would use them to clarify some point. Why I have had so many memories reappear for me to look at, sort and sift through. All of this was so I could find, recognize, validate and love the parts and pieces of all of these that are the truth of and for me.

I so appreciate my good friend whom I have been sharing this journey of discovery together, as I texted her for about the twentieth time last night with all of this information needing out and to be recorded, even though I knew she had already turned off her phone. I know our greatest gift to each other has been to truly listen to what the other one is saying… without condemnation, correction, or opinion. Being a sounding board for each to hear what they think they are saying, repeating statements the other might not even be aware of is coming out of our mouths, allowing the other to go on any kind of tangent of thought or thoughts. Then connecting back the dots to those things that stands out as being more important to either of us than we are aware of because of the constant references to that subject in some form or fashion.

We all need to be supported. Each and every idea is just a little seed that can take us to innumerable places if it is allowed to be planted, nurtured, and encouraged to grow into something bigger, newer, different, beautiful, imaginative and life giving to not only the person who first planted it, but also to all of those whom it touches and causes them to be amazed or inspired into becoming more of themselves in the process. I so love breathing life into ideas and assisting others to find, recognize and kindle their own ideas from a spark to a full flame. I am a sharer, teacher, lover, listener, and recognizer of the worth in each and every one of us!

The Dream is Still Alive…

Funny how I started this post without actually having any idea what it’s title might become, and at the moment with the still throbbing ache on the tip of my finger the title seems even less important, because I know I am on the trail of the solution to what p.a.i.n.s.(pay attention I need something) me at the present moment. Now that I have cleared the more pressing answers my body had been trying to get my attention about. Kind of like what I have noticed about many things in my life. The loudest, most annoying, the tastiest, slowest, fastest, whatever is in our main line of focus, usually gets our fullest attention.

Especially for me, since I feel and know that is how I best get and receive my guidance from Source through the sensations I notice and do something about. Or ignore until the object becomes too loud or sore to be left unattended, like I have done with both of my two index fingers in the last few weeks. As the one on the right hand at the knuckle only aches occasionally when I get mad at someone else for their causing me to be aware of my neglecting of me when I put them and their opinion first.

Though the left one I have tended in that hmmm, must have a thorn, sticker or splinter in it… it will fester and eventually come out on its own. Except for yesterday when I finally realized the solution to my what felt like a daily pen cleaning ordeal (this morning he cleaned them flawlessly without reading my blog or me saying anything). So I then sat down with tweezers, a needle, a pair of tiny surgical scissors and good light to pull off the hardened calloused spot, and hopefully easily extract whatever laid embedded there.

To find nothing as I probed, squeezed and prodded, except for the story that has been rambling in my head that seems so… just there out of reach. A place I visit occasionally, enjoy for a few moments, play with it, then put it away for more important things. Discovering this morning my finger has had enough of my nonsense and excuses as it annoyingly pointed at me “you’ve dealt with the anger, figured out about other people’s opinions, the need for a fresh start, and all these other roadblocks to your living life for those you know… Now go, write, find your truth, and find this answer that keeps playing with you in your dreams. Leaves whispers in the silence, shows up on emails, opened pages, license plates, and passing signs. Go write, explore, live like you imagine, search the piles of no’s, not acceptable, doesn’t fit, and everybody elses ideas. It really is okay!”

So I came in, sat down, opened emails, laughed and shared on Facebook till I felt a little more relaxed, less pushed, and prodded still unsure what might come out…

It’s been years (no ache from finger) this story so safely tucked away, which I only am allowed to play with in dreams and occasional meditations that I am usually guiltly startled out of. The trail would get warm and inviting as I ventured out upon it, then would speak of my desire for this dream out loud, not aware of the invitation to share was not denied, more just rewound for me to figure out my life long habits of others first. Until I changed and learned it really is okay to be the me that I almost lost, as I seemed to always be running so hard and fast trying to fit who I was supposed to be to others.

My dream had to hide, bury itself deep enough to keep the flame of remembering loving myself and that one amazing year experienced without anyone from my past to walk in with their rendition of who I had been and would always be…according to them. The safety of being completely new with no labels, no expectations, no siblings, family, or acquaintances opinions to be compared to, as I created the me I had fantasized and dreamed about growing up in the big city of San Antonio. Miles away from the country life, horses, cattle and cowboys that so cause my heart to race.

My soul began to fly, my wings to spread as that life sprouted and came to life in and around me. No denying having fun, experiencing anything and everything hundreds of miles from home, up in the big country of Alpine, Texas. I came out of the cage of others expectations as I explored all the nooks and crannies of living out on the land amongst cattlemen, ranchers, and fellow students away from home for the first time learning to experience and find themselves.

Of meeting this one guy, becoming friends, supporters, compadres, card players, and cronies in the crimes of shenanigans that come with freedom from rules and watching eyes. Being introduced to his folks, sharing meals, late nights at the hotel desk with others studying, swapping tales, just being whoever we desired, as we easily parlayed a lot of our shared secret dreams into reality.

Brought to a close, when my parents picked me up at the end of the spring semester and he came up to help load the truck. Clean cut, shaved, nice shirt, jeans, boots, and his brown cowboy hat with the over-sized turkey feather reaching over to introduce himself, before he hefted my book loaded down foot locker into the back of dad’s truck. That look on my parents faces, I was doomed, I had done the worst thing possible… chosen without checking the rules and guidelines laid out for the girls in our family.

My finger’s not aching. The tension in my shoulders that I hadn’t noticed when I started, just went slack, soft. As I realize I’ve been pointing at my own heart, so locked away from losing this piece of the puzzle. The dream inside so many of us which one may not realize may be behind the symptoms in their bodies that mysteriously keep them in pain, sick, hurting or waiting… for them to notice their very own bodies are trying to connect with them to fully be alive, by validating and becoming whatever truly makes their heart sings.

The Shopping List…

Yesterday was a day of more discovery as I played with my “now” miraculous ability to obtain just about anything and everything I wanted in a form that I have been doing most of my life. Just obscured from my view as this being any kind of a means to an end. It was so easy, so right there in plain view, in a simple working format that has been accomplishing me getting tons of stuff for years. I have been just so used to seeing it as a simple tool for going to town, the store, or a place to add items to as they ran out. But because I have been paying so much more attention to when things just easily show up when I ask for them… like a piece of gum, a drink, or something to quickly munch on. I now noticed this ability to ask and obtain in the form of writing down anything I could taste, feel, or sense I desired. 

About a week or so back, as I was headed to the store and I was scanning down my list for things in the house to be refilled. I thought about having a date and being in a playful mood, added that to the list. As I was wandering around the store about thirty minutes later, my phone rang and I looked down to see a number I did not recognize. So I answered it as a business call, to find a rather interesting male on the other end of the line. As we talked and discovered many things in common, horses, being single, living within miles of each other, kids the same age, even our birthdays almost hours apart.

Having so much fun just sharing, talking and enjoying the conversation… we set up a date to meet a few days later when we both had free time. I continued on with my shopping, highly aware of what had taken place in the short time between me adding a date to my list. So I decided to test this possible venue a little further, to find that most things I put on my list occur, if I add them, moving on to the next item, just this sort of forget them, it will be there.

Much like the peripheral thing horses do. They live in a world of focusing and feeling on their general up close needs, and when they spy something moving out of the corner of their sight. They rearrange their focus, till they can figure it out, whether to look at it closer, or dismiss it as unimportant. To then go back to the most prevalent thing that allows them comfort. Whether that be eating, drinking and playing or leaving for safety.

So I have been steadily noting down the things that are of important to me: Newest goals, fresh affirmations, needed or desired things. Paying attention to when something shows up, if I like it, I enjoy it. If it is not quite what I truly want, I put down the changes in my notes. A kind of consistent tweaking, manifesting, adjusting, allowing. To find more and more stuff almost magically appearing, especially after my friend’s wonderful reminder of a thing called lag time. Where like baking a cake, we mix all the things together, go do something else while it is cooking and come back to eat and enjoy it.

Yesterday’s list consisted of: feed, gas, groceries, money coming twice as fast as I could spend it, fun, more interested students, friends to socialize with, and then lastly “getting paid to play.” And off I went to have the most fantastic day, as I bought all the items on my list, came home and while I was unloading the phone rang. A client was calling for a last minute lesson for her granddaughter. By the time I was ending my day, I had earned more than double what I had spent. Had a fantastic lesson with her and her granddaughter, then invited to stay and eat with them. Bought a scratch ticket on the way home after a delicious meal by the pool, and made more than it cost me to buy it.

Everything on my list manifested, accomplished, fun, amazing and simple. Allowing me to then return to the game where I had been so stuck on the one level and amazingly moved up three levels with almost no effort at all. As I became aware of one more thing I was doing differently that I know is a key point in all of this happening.

I kept my focus on what I wanted. I noticed something in my view that was not what I was really wanting, I would change my thoughts to what I did intend to accomplish or have happen. Keeping my view on the desire, the final product, even if that view was just the feeling of fun, but if I could not find the right feeling, I would do something else I did enjoy or want…allowing the cake to bake, and the Universe the ability to deliver without my getting in the way, by having it to happen only in the ways I could think of.

I love this stuff, setting a goal, add it to my list, expect, go do something cause it will be there as the Universe is filling in the steps to it as I keep moving toward what I need to do. Allowing myself to notice things just out of my main view, that temporarily causes me to adjust my focus. Then Voila the finished product is better, and easier than my trying to force it into place, by the only means I can see right in front of me, with my limited view!

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