I have been attempting to write this post for the last three days with hundreds of words coming out, written down in a persistent circular fashion of thought. A continuous flow that just kept going over and over the same stuck track which coincided with my youngest son’s constant interruptions. Until last night when I finally gave in, gave up and decided entertainment of the comic type was in order to find and then watch two totally different movies made in almost 20 years apart. Both funny and rewarding to watch in viewing others interpretation of good, fun romantic interaction.
Though I was up several times in the night with the feeling of freedom just moments away when I finally find this old sense of confinement. To awaken this morning feeling an acute awareness as I slowly meandered through my chores and thoughts in what felt like a big, empty, old void. That changed into a sudden sensation of urgency after opening an email for a special 48 hour sale for an audio book I had been pondering to buy, which caused me to go comparison pricing at Amazon and find to my delight the same item for just 99 cents. To then called my friend in delight and anticipation as I took this for a sign that the asked for answer was close at hand.
We then spent the next few hours talking, comparing childhood scenarios, and our prescribed roles, the ideas we perceived and understood to be our designated paths. The conflicts between us, our family and especially our sons. When the words vulnerable and amazon simultaneously came out of both of our mouths, as the acknowledgement over both of us being very big, strong healthy girls growing up in families with no boys. Who were expected to do the dirty work, take care of the others and toe the line. Both of us having an extreme awareness of taking care of the other females in our lives when they were not physically capable, and hanging around with all of the “pretty” girls who didn’t seem to know how to say no and mean it.
Suddenly hearing my description of the castle that I use to describe the many rooms of still closed off possibilities for me that I mentally live in my mind. Narrowed down to the use of the grand foyer, the stronghold of the interior, with many shuttered up doors leading into unused potentials, several small tidy rooms which are moderately lit, neat and tidy. Then this small, dimly lit, spiraling staircase, that is four or five stories up which leads one into this wonderfully romantic, wistful, soft hidden room, that has but one access which is rarely used as it is dusty and uninviting to climb up.
As we continue to talk I find myself looking up the word “vulnerable”: Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt. Open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc. Then the word “amazon”: A tall, aggressive, strong-willed woman.
Now aware of the huge, dark space in me that had seemed empty, yet now found to be filled with this almost silently running machine that has been quietly directing me around. Much like I feel my son does when he ask or expects something when he rudely intrudes on something I am focused on doing. That in my years of following orders, fitting in and doing what I was told, I suddenly realized I had never been taught to ask or expect to be something other than the role I had accepted was who I am supposed to be.
Eureka, pay dirt, success. All of these feelings of jubilation and excitement over finding this interesting antique, still so very much in charge of my ups and downs in life. Though almost completely hidden, it had been orchestrating my limitations any time I got to close to crossing into those other rooms that now are lit up and beckon to be opened up and rearranged to suit me. Now as I glow in the fire of new recognition as to why I never truly felt I fit in to the small limited part I was taught to be. I love making my own decisions and taking care of myself. I love the fact I am strong, capable, quick and woman. I love the fact I can move effortlessly, dancing, cooking, sewing, and tending to others with soft, sure, confident hands.
As I ask, find and fill in these holes in my understanding of who I can choose I am. As an intelligent, fun, fantastic, witty, flexible, focused, flowing, friendly,classy and feminine lady. Who chooses to know how to do what needs to be done, can think for herself and is smart enough to ask God for guidance as I allow the best thoughts for the moment to flow through to light my path of full wonderful glowing potential. It is okay to find and have assistance in being the uniquely, passionate, horse training, coaching, teaching, and articulate female that I am. This keeps getting easier and easier as I realize I can’t get it wrong, cause there is always more to do, more to learn and by changing my mind to do it differently who knows how far I can go. What else I can and will discover as I continue setting myself free from the limiting role of others best intentions for me, as I explore the different ways of looking at everything and taking part in what feels right for me.
I have a post it note attached on the bottom of my screen that states “I’ve done it, I Figured it out!” and since I stuck it there I am constantly figuring out the steps I have been missing, didn’t understand fully, or interpreted them wrong when I was learning whatever current thing I am having happening in my life that is not turning out the way I intended in my mind. This morning started out seeming exactly like that when I woke up found it had rained enough last night for water to be standing in all the places to handle, much less ride a horse. My next thought was “wow, sleep in past seven” so I texted my first lesson as I reconstructed the rest of my day off in my mind. Wondering if the threatening for more rain would affect my date later in the day to test drive the truck that has so held my attention for the last week or so.
Figured I would get the simpler things done and make a quick pot of coffee to take the chill off the damp cool morning. To turn on the tap and find no water pressure?? I then went to check outside in case the line to the horses might have ruptured or the outside faucet might have been left on. Nope, so I glance around to see if I can spot water running off or flowing from the ground not caused by the rain. Then glancing down the highway in either direction for signs of city maintenance working on the mainline or an undetected geyser in need of calling them about. I considered calling in case there was a problem out of my sight from up here on the hill, when I kept getting the nudge to check closer to the house. Trusting the feeling, I double checked the water puddles near the front gate, noting a larger amount there than in other areas. So I walked around to the side of the house to find my youngest dog (who is terrified of storms) cowering in his dog house. The water hose pulled within inches of his door, with the attached faucet leaning in his direction and water gurgling up readily from the now shattered connection.
First thoughts, parts, glue, tools and help, as I hollered at my youngest to assist, feed, and turn our horses out since with the rain all lessons are canceled. As he takes care of animals, I fully survey the damage and things needed. Finding a small digging trowel within inches of the sight, amused at the Universe’s help and add to that all needed items minus glue and cleaner. In digging up the area needed to do the repair I find my mind running with a lot of the thoughts as to why this is occurring today. Hearing the replies of “path of least resistance, crack of most allowing” from my Abraham cd’s knowing there is an answer to some question I ask all tied up in the fixing of this broken connection. Which will fix the flow of water to my house and the flow of abundance in my life. Allowing several different possible desires I have on my list wonderfully coming true as we head to the store for glue, coffee, and donuts.
I find myself in the store distracted by the choices of glues, the 4-H’s bake sale at the door, and the large buffet of men trolling the store this early on a Saturday morning, much like the article I had glanced at this last week. To find when I had gotten back home and was set up to put the pieces together…I had bought two types of cleaner and no glue. Which meant going back to the store,with more thoughts of what’s up in my mind as I get in my truck to be inundated in flies, they are everywhere, taking up the open invite with door left open on my truck to find a dry place out of the rain.
I think “okay, wrong items, all these flies, still no water”?? Then it occurs to me. Flies bug me; they distract me if I am not focused. When I went to the store I was trying to figure out why the water leak and I played with several possibilities, men, trucks, horse stuff, trying to “make” the pieces fit together. But it wasn’t till I had to completely take all of the cleaner off twice, trying to show my son how to do pvc repair, that I got it.
All of this was over my asking how to improve my ability to allow the things into my life, open up the flow of abundance in. I have the ability to be in the “zone” when I teach, train, or coach, most of the time. Yet I know it is possible to do it all of the time without giving up any parts of me to do it. And here, wonderfully provided by my question to the Universe it’s way to reply so that I can understand and apply it, was the answer.
Fully focus, so head-ups, idea in mind, the sensation of having it complete, easy, applicable, moving toward the goal, no matter the distractions, or things that try to bug us. It is this paying attention till the last detail is so comfortably in place we can do it without thinking, it’s like dancing, following the flow of the music, allowing our bodies to feel and move with the tune, the sensation…
Never felt this way before, never had feelings that were so strong
To impress, to show, yet instead being impressed upon
To become, to learn, to follow where my instincts flow
To listen and feel, there is so much more I long to know
Have loosed writings, long kept secrets in my mind
To another, so many paths and trails are all entwined
Watching, seeking, all these questions flow and sing
Reminding, teaching me, of the truths each moment brings
Having finally danced, like I always wished and did believe
With another, with who each step to intertwine and weave
Danced each moment, felt the magic that becomes
From matching footprints, where two sets of steps blend in to one.
Cat Friske 5-21-2012
I wrote this several years ago after waking from a dream, thinking it was telling me about the man that frequents my thoughts now and then. Just today I see and understand it differently. It to me means when I am fully connected to all of myself. What I am thinking, why I desire it, and how it will feel when it is done. I love my busted water pipe, for giving me the answer to finding and staying in my zone question. I love the scared dog, for allowing me to recognize my own fears of being in trouble from approaching storms of questions, not knowing how to get away from them, and terrified of being in trouble for not knowing all the answers. Life is awareness, focus, feeling. allowing guidance (God-U-I-DANCE)…manifested!