The stuff I hear, feel and sense before and as it happens. As I have been chasing, scaring, and startling people for years… with the words that just pop out of my mouth of exactly what another is thinking, desiring or experiencing. Being able to answer a question that hasn’t been asked or replying to an email almost seconds after it has been sent. Tuning in so vividly to another as to pick up the phone when they call, return a text, give the next answer in a game, almost a whirling dervish as I seem to appear out of the ether’s with the appropriate item, or reply. Wandering up to diagnose an animal, before someone even knew or asked what’s wrong as they looked strangely at me with my forth coming answer, and then they would quickly walk away looking at me crazily. To then come back days, weeks even months later, asking “how did you know?”
Struggling to fit in, to make some sense out of what I thought anyone could do. Slowly withdrawing further and further into my personal lair of safety, as the criticism caused me to find solace in my solitude with the animals. Till the curtain dropped again and again and then again, forcing me to either quit completely and buy into what the world was selling of how I should be… but the ringing sounds and sensations wouldn’t give way to the medication and prescribed treatment from examinations by those so book learn-ed as the male doctor who told me about my giving birth…
His description was textbook perfect; I was not due for another month. He had plans for the weekend, he would see me the next Monday and then we would talk. I told him he would miss it, for I “knew” my son would be born that Saturday. I was right, I was tapped in to life in a way I am now still learning is okay as I find my way back to what use to annoy others, yet it was the way I experienced each and every moment.
The “curse” of telling others what they prescribed was not the truth, at least not for me. This came home so solidly when I gave up on medicine and went to the horses to help heal me, after I struggled with medication and exercises that I was told “yes” the side effects might make me sicker before I was better, but it was necessary. Thanks, but no thanks… I chose instead the hour and a half decision to walk 80 ft, saddle my horse, leaning on and using him to get to the round pen, to then maneuver my way to throw myself up and off the other side. The whole while my horse stood there patiently waiting, as I finally struggled aboard and asked him to help show me what I needed to do.
To go from crippled with vertigo, barely mobile, half of my face paralyzed unresponsive… to first riding 3 horses in three weeks, to 5 or more horses daily with two to three lesson a day, each day feeling and looking better, more comfortable, more confident, healthier, physically, mentally and spiritually. To now almost 6 years later, amazed by what I have unlearned, re-thought and re-discovered I actually really did know all along, I just hid it away or disowned it in my attempt to not be so weird, different, and strange.
Funny how far we can try to run away, not realizing we are carrying ourselves with us no matter where we go. I appreciate everything I have been through. That I had to get to the middle of the tangle of my life to find a new, better, way to the truth of what beats at the heart of me.
Since this last weekend the awareness and sensing has gotten stronger, easier to tap into… there is only just a little uneasiness left. Which as I write these words I find I am still judging me, as I watch each word in each sentence appear… I am just not stopping, editing or changing, as I let myself flow out onto the page. I am alive, I am worthy, I matter to myself so much more than the noise of the world use to be able to talk me out of. I am here; I am unique, different, real and so connecting to all of the hidden closed off parts of me so long denied. I R Friske, I R Fantastic, I R am becoming more and more truly alive every day, as I find the truth for me in every moment, by feeling for how good it feels to be honestly me. I needed to learn to honor my feelings for me… FIRST!
I woke up this morning to find myself with this incredible vibrating, bouncing, awake and very much alive energy from the dreams I had last night, which were brought about by the last few things I was viewing, reading, then talking and texting about. Fully aware of all the questions I have been asking the last few weeks and all of the answers that were now so coming fully into my awareness as I am awakening and discovering the me that has been safe fully ensconced behind the mask of uncertainty which frequently still appears frozen in spots on my face.
Though this morning’s barrage of information I almost could not record as fast as it was pouring out of the now almost fully opened door from my past. The very past I have been accused of running away from, trying to escape, and thoroughly avoiding like the plague of disaster I had felt I was to my family, in my total inability to quietly, easily, and correctly fit in. In my constant tendency to run full tilt into one sometimes painful encounter of “you did what, your grounded” after another. All the time being reminded why can’t you be more like your sisters, the occasional mention of how messy, tom boyish, bullheaded, stubborn, totally unpredictable and “who do you think you are”. To remind me there must be something wrong with me, because no matter how hard I would try… the little “brat” in me would escape and run the havoc of playing horsey, jumping over things in horse fashion, only playing with my sisters if I could bring my horse statues and get dirty.
Even being enrolled in tap and ballet so I could have feminine virtues was an interesting test between the older lady assigned to keep all girls returned to their appropriate classes, if found standing on the toilet seats so not to be discovered and sent back. Before I could make my mad dash up the stairs out to the freedom of the outdoors, then down the block to the library, to be later collected by my mother as I was deep in the fantasy dream world of horses, riding, playing, romping out on the plains, in the mountains, or splashing on the shores of the ocean.
Free to be me. Fully loose, engaged in my desires, happily rambling along for hours after the spanking or groundings of who I was going to be and the things I would accomplish. All brought fully home to the very core of me of the slight chance of impossibility in the latest barrage of others attempt to entice me to fit in to the newest, fastest, easiest, most successful way to make money… lots of it… fast. Just not for me,and I can say this with full confirmation that the Universe has my back.
I have become aware of that it pays for me to notice when things come in threes. There is always some piece of information I have asked for, now being presented for me to understand and do more or less with in my further learning about it. This present third attempt had all of the right words put together to cause me to click on the video…which on this particular site finally played all the way through on the third try. Leading me to another video, with me already on the alert the next move would be a choice of ease or discomfort as it began to reveal itself.
I so love my listening to my inner self, because even before the video opened, the headlines on the page were glowing brightly… Stop, delete, this is not for you! So I quickly closed it all out, deleting the other two possibilities, and high fiving myself for noticing and listening to my body in finding which direction I am to now head.
Suddenly so many questions were being answered in rapid succession, now that I had finally found the key to understanding and listening to “all” of me. I realized the reason the different guys I have dated in the past kept coming up. Why old stories and tales would occasionally make themselves known in situations where I would use them to clarify some point. Why I have had so many memories reappear for me to look at, sort and sift through. All of this was so I could find, recognize, validate and love the parts and pieces of all of these that are the truth of and for me.
I so appreciate my good friend whom I have been sharing this journey of discovery together, as I texted her for about the twentieth time last night with all of this information needing out and to be recorded, even though I knew she had already turned off her phone. I know our greatest gift to each other has been to truly listen to what the other one is saying… without condemnation, correction, or opinion. Being a sounding board for each to hear what they think they are saying, repeating statements the other might not even be aware of is coming out of our mouths, allowing the other to go on any kind of tangent of thought or thoughts. Then connecting back the dots to those things that stands out as being more important to either of us than we are aware of because of the constant references to that subject in some form or fashion.
We all need to be supported. Each and every idea is just a little seed that can take us to innumerable places if it is allowed to be planted, nurtured, and encouraged to grow into something bigger, newer, different, beautiful, imaginative and life giving to not only the person who first planted it, but also to all of those whom it touches and causes them to be amazed or inspired into becoming more of themselves in the process. I so love breathing life into ideas and assisting others to find, recognize and kindle their own ideas from a spark to a full flame. I am a sharer, teacher, lover, listener, and recognizer of the worth in each and every one of us!
Funny how I started this post without actually having any idea what it’s title might become, and at the moment with the still throbbing ache on the tip of my finger the title seems even less important, because I know I am on the trail of the solution to what p.a.i.n.s.(pay attention I need something) me at the present moment. Now that I have cleared the more pressing answers my body had been trying to get my attention about. Kind of like what I have noticed about many things in my life. The loudest, most annoying, the tastiest, slowest, fastest, whatever is in our main line of focus, usually gets our fullest attention.
Especially for me, since I feel and know that is how I best get and receive my guidance from Source through the sensations I notice and do something about. Or ignore until the object becomes too loud or sore to be left unattended, like I have done with both of my two index fingers in the last few weeks. As the one on the right hand at the knuckle only aches occasionally when I get mad at someone else for their causing me to be aware of my neglecting of me when I put them and their opinion first.
Though the left one I have tended in that hmmm, must have a thorn, sticker or splinter in it… it will fester and eventually come out on its own. Except for yesterday when I finally realized the solution to my what felt like a daily pen cleaning ordeal (this morning he cleaned them flawlessly without reading my blog or me saying anything). So I then sat down with tweezers, a needle, a pair of tiny surgical scissors and good light to pull off the hardened calloused spot, and hopefully easily extract whatever laid embedded there.
To find nothing as I probed, squeezed and prodded, except for the story that has been rambling in my head that seems so… just there out of reach. A place I visit occasionally, enjoy for a few moments, play with it, then put it away for more important things. Discovering this morning my finger has had enough of my nonsense and excuses as it annoyingly pointed at me “you’ve dealt with the anger, figured out about other people’s opinions, the need for a fresh start, and all these other roadblocks to your living life for those you know… Now go, write, find your truth, and find this answer that keeps playing with you in your dreams. Leaves whispers in the silence, shows up on emails, opened pages, license plates, and passing signs. Go write, explore, live like you imagine, search the piles of no’s, not acceptable, doesn’t fit, and everybody elses ideas. It really is okay!”
So I came in, sat down, opened emails, laughed and shared on Facebook till I felt a little more relaxed, less pushed, and prodded still unsure what might come out…
It’s been years (no ache from finger) this story so safely tucked away, which I only am allowed to play with in dreams and occasional meditations that I am usually guiltly startled out of. The trail would get warm and inviting as I ventured out upon it, then would speak of my desire for this dream out loud, not aware of the invitation to share was not denied, more just rewound for me to figure out my life long habits of others first. Until I changed and learned it really is okay to be the me that I almost lost, as I seemed to always be running so hard and fast trying to fit who I was supposed to be to others.
My dream had to hide, bury itself deep enough to keep the flame of remembering loving myself and that one amazing year experienced without anyone from my past to walk in with their rendition of who I had been and would always be…according to them. The safety of being completely new with no labels, no expectations, no siblings, family, or acquaintances opinions to be compared to, as I created the me I had fantasized and dreamed about growing up in the big city of San Antonio. Miles away from the country life, horses, cattle and cowboys that so cause my heart to race.
My soul began to fly, my wings to spread as that life sprouted and came to life in and around me. No denying having fun, experiencing anything and everything hundreds of miles from home, up in the big country of Alpine, Texas. I came out of the cage of others expectations as I explored all the nooks and crannies of living out on the land amongst cattlemen, ranchers, and fellow students away from home for the first time learning to experience and find themselves.
Of meeting this one guy, becoming friends, supporters, compadres, card players, and cronies in the crimes of shenanigans that come with freedom from rules and watching eyes. Being introduced to his folks, sharing meals, late nights at the hotel desk with others studying, swapping tales, just being whoever we desired, as we easily parlayed a lot of our shared secret dreams into reality.
Brought to a close, when my parents picked me up at the end of the spring semester and he came up to help load the truck. Clean cut, shaved, nice shirt, jeans, boots, and his brown cowboy hat with the over-sized turkey feather reaching over to introduce himself, before he hefted my book loaded down foot locker into the back of dad’s truck. That look on my parents faces, I was doomed, I had done the worst thing possible… chosen without checking the rules and guidelines laid out for the girls in our family.
My finger’s not aching. The tension in my shoulders that I hadn’t noticed when I started, just went slack, soft. As I realize I’ve been pointing at my own heart, so locked away from losing this piece of the puzzle. The dream inside so many of us which one may not realize may be behind the symptoms in their bodies that mysteriously keep them in pain, sick, hurting or waiting… for them to notice their very own bodies are trying to connect with them to fully be alive, by validating and becoming whatever truly makes their heart sings.
This last week has been roller coaster of bends, turns, with ups and downs as I have maneuvered the path of learning to understand where I have been so stuck. Having so many of the answers handed to me by my students and my horses. As I have been slowly and carefully extracting myself from the flimsy layers of the taught behaviors that have been holding the lowest levels glued so tightly together, as I decidedly now choose which thought to pursue. With the wonderful simple examples set by the horses I played with this week when I ask any of them to do something. They always choose to do things by breathing, being aware, feeling for the choice that allows them to be comfortable. I know it is okay with them, when they look at me, breathe me in, and sigh. Any other reaction shows by them looking away, their body is tense, sometimes they roll their eyes, and hold their breath being able to so minutely breathe they almost seem to be holding their breath in a rock solid, so braced against my asking to quickly for them to grasp or understand.
In the fleeting moment of asking my long standing Appaloosa recover, I note when he freezes, stiffens up to me when I am even a little bit too rushed for him. Knowing it stems from whatever caused the hole in his skull one can still feel on his forehead. I marvel at his willingness to tolerate me and any new ideas I bring to further educate him in working with more people than just me. There is no thought to his reactions… I know they are just his instincts kicking in, so related to the first five years of his life… before me. I understand in working with my lady clients of the week, whenever I am explaining and sometimes re-explaining a previous lesson that they understood previously to mean one or two words out of the entire lesson of the week before.
They tense up, stop breathing, focus real hard on each word I am saying and I watch the fear of being wrong, having made a mistake or probably screwing up their poor horse. I then first get them to breathe, secondly explain whatever the last lesson was in an entirely different format. Add to that the things they are doing right, and then remind them that thinking about something new is hard when you have all this prior learning experiences from others telling you what you should do, what any words ought to mean, then watching me easily perform the task intuitively, and then trying to do it too.
Thinking is such hard work when learning and doing something new. One stops breathing, tries to do all of the steps at once, bodies get contorted, the horse patiently mimicking what the bodies on them are asking. Everything is all knotted up, going slowly, almost painfully forward… Till I tease, or throw some way out story, take odd strained poses as them or their horse and remind them how far they have come, what they are doing right, there is so many tiny steps in each new thing and they are trying to do it all of it perfectly right from the start.
Slow down. Feel for how you would make that move without the horse. Relax, feel the side of your body that it is easy to do it with. Compare what that side is doing that the other is not. Forget about me… I am just the radio, just this voice. I am not watching, judging, comparing or beating up on you for not being me or right. This is supposed to be fun. Wiggle your tailbone, wiggle your toes, find a way to let go. Just be. Sit with the horse… Oh my gosh “Look”, now your horse is relaxing. The animal has no idea you are worried about how you fit on him. He has been all tensed up over whatever it is you see that he does not. You’re the boss. You’re the one who is supposed to be comfortably making the decisions for both of you. You’re not comfortable, so something out there must be dangerous.
I am aware of the tension from the imagined eyes of long ago…waiting, watching, judging, and having such high expectations for another to live up to… This week I have learned to watch my thoughts. It took slowing down, breaking each thought into does this hold true today, does it make me feel better or worse. Who is it that is holding my body prisoner, making me act or behave like this voice in my head? Oh it’s my own voice, I tell it thank you. Then choose otherwise. I became aware of there really are four parts of me. who have been trying to communicate with me. One is my physical that is ever present in getting my attention by how it feels, comfortable or a little uncomfortable, unless I ignore the first signs, then the discomfort becomes bigger. Two is my emotional…all of these thoughts that I have learned to notice. If they are fast, rapid and uncomfortable…it’s my ego. The third part of me my spirit which is this sense of being guided or led. Healthy, comfortable, calm and confident, it’s the real me. Constantly changing, noticing, adapting, and becoming more and more every day.
And the fourth part is my connection,and awareness of Source, the Universe, God. Always patient, all loving, always unconditional, always waiting for me when I get lost, discouraged, or trapped by the habits and understandings taught and shared to me by well meaning others in the myriad of the million thoughts in my head . Who experienced the same things I learned so well, they were told it was right and only way.They did not know or have the desire to be much more or otherwise… I choose to be all I can be. I choose to blaze my own unique trail by trusting and honoring the things that feel comfortable to and for me.
Where we look, what we focus on, what we truly see… Today has been a day all about noticing. Where my eyes look, how it is I interpret what I see through my perceptions of life colored by the experiences I have lived. This morning’s thought for a post basically set the tone for the day. All because I bought a web cam for my reintroduction into the use of Skype to talk to a wonderful new friend I have been learning about, sharing and emailing with in the last few months. In my wish to shorten the distance of time communication from here in Texas to the wonderful world of Australia 20 hours or so into my future, spanning the immense distance in physical time and space.
As I was setting up the camera after connecting it to my pc, I became aware of my now physical facial features in a non-posed format. Which took me back to a picture taken of me for a id badge almost 3 years ago, in a rather shocking realization that I had more stuff to do in reclaiming the full normal movement of all of my facial muscles. Interesting even as I write this over what normal, okay, alright, acceptable and perfect is to who, when, and why. Knowing that in each second of one’s life there is a constant change going on. The only real things that photographs, film, videos and everything else that holds a record of any kind does, is stop time in that moment. Which then anyone, and everyone who views it afterward then tends to judge, view, rate, or understand it from the norms of where they are at in the area, lifestyle, experiences, expectations and desires they have for their world, and what they believe.
My morning thoughts started with thoughts about my face and how much I so desire, intend and expect to eventually get it moving and looking like I am fully flowing with life. I thought about how great my face works now, as long as I am smiling and not talking, then the stuck in a smile frozen in time place is okay. When the thought occurred to me about so many of the pictures I see in the world, which ones are the ones I notice and why. I became aware of all the glamorous selling something ads and how many of them are people truly smiling in.
The awareness washed over me as to how my casual observance noted there were many intense, focused faces, which even in there posed glamour and glitz. Were no matches for the beauty found in a real smile of joy, peace, fulfillment and true living of life. Where and when did it become so important to me to fit in, get it right, follow the rules to make another happy, to become just okay, to do what makes another feel better about themselves if it cost me one iota of the joy in my heart of just breathing another breath in. Enjoying the feel of soap, bubbling, foaming, lathering up in my fingers, as I relish in the warmth of water flowing from my faucet. As I cleanse the day of living my life in total joy of each moment, as I interact in the dance of being one with each and every second of my life. I now realize I fit in by being me, loving me, accepting me for the love of connection to my incredible self for each new thought, idea, and observation I bring to this world because that is why I was created. Unique, incredible, different, learning, changing, expanding, and sharing with every other creation in this world, I so love my life and all that has happened, is happening and will happen. Why live any other way, than doing what one loves, enjoys and is!