Feels like an entire year has gone by since the last time I sat down to write out my thoughts as I muddled through this last week of trying several times to clear this belief that has “wait”ed me down my entire life. Each time thinking I had found the bottom layer of this tightly packed, deeply ingrained, well beaten in habit of thinking then acting, I would find then find the same frustrating scenario to tackle once again. So I trudged on, determined to let the little me free who has stood frozen in fear of repercussion lest I move to suddenly and unleash the ire of another human being for being in the wrong place at the perfect moment of their intention to be doing or going someplace else.
In my careful unraveling of the many different layers of this puzzling dilemma of not knowing exactly which way up might be. I came across several interesting threads of information which I would first perceive as the total solution, until the next minor implosion would occur.
The first of these was my becoming aware of how thoroughly I had been schooled to believe if I do everything according to the rules…things must change and if they do not… then something out there must be at fault. So when for what felt like the hundredth time in my years of having kids, once again the job assigned to them had been only partially completed and I found myself calmly figuring out how I would do it next time. Realizing my fault in all of this was the expectation of them living up to their promise of compliance, given under the pretense to get their way at the moment of the conversation.
I saw the millions of times that I would change, bend, and allow myself the opportunity to find an easier better way, both in the completion of the job and the way to state the desired results. I was to blame, because I was not allowing their growth in figuring out the solution and finishing the work completely on their own. Feeling so stuck in the time constraint of the arrival of clients and the needs of the animals. I had allowed them to train me to do all of their work and thinking for them.
So I let that sink in, changed my expectations for me. Rearranged the rules and had sort of satisfactory results for a day or two. Before I encountered the same problem again, multiplied by ten, with even less done, more anger, and tons of frustration over being patient and trying to understand. Which lasted long enough to cause mouth ulcers from held back venting, that I can attest to, honestly go away when one finally lets loose and becomes assertive as to whose responsibilities belongs to whom. As I handed my son the total of monies he earned for the days chores, minus the cost of my time finishing them… his twenty cents equaled one package of Ramen soup.
Then this morning found an even larger discrepancy between what was promised and what was delivered. To find me staring aghast, with the evidence so firmly in my face as he began to explain the reasons for my completely blown expectations, which as he talked I suddenly saw my entire childhood, my teen years, all the way up to the present moment. Completely exposed for sham of lies I had been taught and bought into as a little girl, and even now as I have allowed this behavior to control my current life… by re-teaching it to my kids. I just bawled, tapped, cried, allowed the long shouldered belief to be picked up, examined, thoroughly sized up, then reached up and cut the long tentacles from the nerves they had been so tightly grown in to.
Taking all this blame for when things go wrong; because others have complete amnesty from any wrong doing with the excuses they have been allowed to believe give them the rights to behave or do the things they do. The list well laid out in front of me by an earlier viewing from a teacher friend of a comedy video of a parent/teacher meeting where little Johnny has ADHD, attention disorders, bi-polar, he is to smart, an athlete, etc. etc. etc. Adding to that the numerous ones I have heard this last week with others deciding against a divorce or break up, cause their loving other: drinks, has blackouts, didn’t mean it, has job problems, bad bosses, etc. etc. etc.
Seems I have attracted these eye opening experiences of giving permission by my learned habit of “having to hear them out first”. I have this wide open door with foot prints all over the little me in the middle. A tiny little child, who until just a year or two back, jumped in a reactive self-preservation stance whenever things happened to fast, waiting to see or hear an explanation, before quickly fixing the problem. I have done a lot to uncover, learn to assert, and allow myself to have a life that I enjoy. Now I am learning how to actually live in a fashion, that I truly used to believe only happened to and for others.
I own the fact I caused all of this, it was what I was taught by well-meaning others, who had it taught to them. All of it truly done with the best of intentions. Just thankfully I have cooked, cleaned, repaired, and restarted enough animals, recipes and places to know things can be changed and made better, as long as we know what we don’t like and are willing to admit it’s our responsibility to do something different. We are only stopped when we look outside of our self to someone else for the final say over the answer that works best for us. I owe to me to pay attention, take my time to truly feel for what is right for me, and change anything I desire otherwise!
Talk about bringing in the New Year with a lot of magic and possibilities… as this last week has been an opening of letting go of all kinds of past issues, problems, old worn out items and habits. Starting off on Christmas day when one of my sisters came for a visit where we sat, talked, and shared lots of old history with an openness to hear each others view point and perspective. Allowing me to see many things in entirely new and different ways than I truly ever imagined, as I became conscious of many other layers of our family life than can be really felt or appreciated when one is in past that time warp of surviving, living, or going through the experiences of growing up.
I was so glad to have this time of learning about our past through the others different eyes and point of perspective adding to the information garnished in the last two months of being able to have private, honest conversations with all of my three sisters. Which granted me the ability to realize we all are going through something, which was impossible to see from any other place than where we each were, until someone opens the door to invite the truth from another without any one having to fear or suffer repercussions from actually opening one’s mouth to let “it” all out… which seems to have the added marvelous benefit of healing old assumptions as the new clarity falls into place.
I have in the past week… made Christmas a fantastic, fun, sharing experience with lots of money left in the bank. Putting up my old truck for sale, selling both the body and the engine to two different individuals. Had several last minute gift certificates for lessons show up and found “My New Truck”. Which is literally the truck on my wish list from 2004, its white, four wheel drive, diesel, super cab, with headache rack, grill guard, bumper with hitch towing package, gooseneck ball, work package,and $500 under book value. With only 125000 miles, decked out like the photos in my phone and on my walls… I am so glad my truck quit or I would not have been looking and found my dream truck within ten miles of my place.
To add to all of this fun and mayhem, one of the dating sites that I have had my profile on for several years but only have been frequenting to see where I am at vibration wise by the types of men I attract. To be pleasantly surprised by a letter of explanation of my slim selections of offered possibilities because of my not participating in a feature to browse through the selected men who fit my overall search choices, which by so doing means I just get to quickly peruse, choose yes, no, or maybe, and the computer then takes into consideration my actual, individual choices, to compile a more accurate group of men to then direct my info to. Which as I was sitting there, happily, comfortably narrowing things down, this email from the site pops up, to then find me engaging in an extremely fun exchange with a man who seems to once again fit so many things on my wish list from back in 2004.
It is like, by the decision of me to so thoroughly get involved with the process of taking full responsibility that maybe all of my beliefs needed to be gone through, examined, tossed if no longer applicable, changed if uncomfortable, and added if the new thought had never, ever occurred to be possible much less true for me. Thus then allowing God/The Universe the ability through the now widened gap of potentiality to bring me so very many things I was so stubbornly clinging to only being possible by doing it in the fashion I was taught to believe was right for me. Even though many of those ideas got me to this point, it’s that turning just a little in one direction or the other I could suddenly see gems of possibilities that were so hidden from me, by so many well-meaning people I have known who’s caring about me, I so thought meant they had the last word!
Wow, I am so excited to find myself here, expressing my joy in learning to observe, share, and examine the world from the broader perspective of, is whatever I am believing “true for me, Right NOW!” 2013 is a whole new year of exploration and adventure with a new truck, clean slate, and new beliefs that I can toss the moment they no longer hold true. Bless all of you who have followed, shared, and enjoyed my previous growth as I continue toward finding the best in every, fully alive, moment to come.
Awareness of another in an entire new spectrum of understanding, just by allowing myself to find the best feeling view of the scenario presented in front of me. The day after feeling I had truly re-wove my tapestry of how I choose to live my life. I know I partially started on Saturday morning when I chose to purposely wake late after my first week back bus driving, riding and teaching. Giving myself the luxury of actually lying in bed totally enjoying the peacefulness of an alarms silenced moments before they intended to go off. I just laid there enjoying the comfort of my decision to mold my life moment by moment.
Then actually arising, feeding, haying, watering and reveling in the animals appreciation of my tending to their various needs as I experienced the coolness still found happily at 7:30, as I fixed on my to do list of this holiday weekend. I made a point to linger in the shower, luxuriating in the foam of lather from a very sudsy deep purple wash cloth, then the wonderfully sensual scent from the coconut crème rinse as the aroma was saturating the shower area in the strong flow of elegant hot water. I was so enjoying the vision of my being selecting the most wonderful feeling scenes for each moment of the day. Stepping out to engulf myself in my oversized, big fluffy towel that wonderfully whisked off each droplet, before coming to rest turban style above my head with hair comfortably enclosed. Hair dryer to style my bangs, pull the rest into a quick pony tail, sunscreen, makeup, taking the time to accentuate my eyes, before I pulled on my shades and my sweat stained lilac ball cap to complete the feeling I wanted to exude.
Heading to the kitchen for toast, lime water, and my Emergen-C as I headed out to greet my expected three clients, plus two other unexpected sons and their one horse. Making it a point to allow my eyes to take in the entire picture playing out before me as my eyes settled on the view that brought a feeling of “I like that” to my solar plexus. To then truly begin the new path of choice over reaction I had found so different and comfortable in the last few weeks of changing and letting go of “other peoples opinions” as I now deliberately allow myself to find how life works when I choose for me…first.
The situation that presented itself was 5 individuals, each with a difference, each allowed to be who they chose to be. All here for horse handling lessons, all at different levels, interests and abilities, my lesson was to keep my focus on the one most interested, asking questions, wanting to learn, and allowing each to show where they were in their understanding or capability. To then guide by hands on, voice, example, or situation as I played with their listening, and accomplishing to encourage and allow them to stand on their own two feet and successfully put each piece together.
Noting some chaos from those who sought center stage, just allowing others in the group the energy needed to redirect those members. As I kept my focus on the ones inhaling the information shared. Totally delving into the ones who could so enjoyed getting their hands and self into their deepest desires to have each question answered. The wonder of the deep breaths, bright eyes, and hands that were feeling for the answers my words were describing, as they sought with their bodies, and fingers for the desired result from such a wonderfully patient horse. I was so reveling in each moment as the freedom from constraints of being made to feel wrong, were loosed from me and these enjoyably entertaining students.
The one hour lesson turned into two, extended by the eldest asking me about his interest in roping and my other long ago, laid down passion brought out from the dusty roping bag hanging in the rafters. To then become totally involved in breaking down each little step of holding, coiling, handling, moving, touching, and throwing the rope till he had a real feel for several aspects of the sport I sense has been idling in his mind for a while. I indulged myself, by following the questions I felt or sensed in each willing participant. Allowing others in the group the ability to find their own two feet to handle each and every oddity that tried to take away from the fun the larger part of the group was experiencing. Fascinated with how different and fun everything turned out by only dealing with what I chose to keep my focus on.
Now, forty-eight hours later, I feel and realize this is such a much easier way to live. It truly is okay to only find the best feeling thing to look at. I can turn my head away from the commotion, deal with the fun things and the world really does keep spinning. Someone else really does show up to handle the other stuff. I really can redirect conversations to things I enjoy, say no to what I don’t want, and live for me. All the other things take care of themselves as I let others deal with their things. Looking at someone and seeing them as possible… sure makes life easier and a whole lot more fun.
So many things to consider in getting from point A to point B. Especially in this last week or so, of the many events and happenings that make up the minutes in a day. A lot of which I am now becoming aware of that I create deliberately or by default in the choices that I make by the intentions that I set forth in my observations of a problem or situation as possible or impossible. Perfectly displayed by my mowing of the grass a few weeks back, as I was just so enjoying the ability to go from the helter skelter look that accompanies a torrent of nitrogen infused rainfall. (Lightning storms = nitrogen rain) Causing weeds, grass, flowers, and everything that grows to sprout in wonderful disarray of abundant greenery that I personally love to see clipped and manicured.
As I got up really close to the wire strand fencing, in my desire to minimize my weed eating, a strand of wire slipped into the space where the throttle adjustment thing is, suddenly causing my machine to sputter, cough, hack and run in an extremely rough fashion. My first thought was “I’m not a mechanic”, how can I get this repaired without having to haul it back to the lawnmower guy, who does not like to service the brand I purchased. Annoyed with myself for fouling up my machine and stopping my intention for a trimmed driveway, I drug the machine back to the barn as I began to get this figured out. Aware I have a son with tremendous mechanical aptitude, whose busy, it would be inconvenient, and … I know some men who have these same qualities, same situations, same…
So I thought how it would feel once I got the machine fixed, the grass cut, and the front looking neat and inviting. About then the phone rang, my friend up in Washington was checking in on our once a week visits, as we tell our stories, the things we were pondering, then possibilities and solutions began to emerge and be exchanged. He gave me several ways to look at the mower, to go the store where it was purchased, take pictures of the space in question, and then compare the two to see what had been pulled out of whack. I then went on line to view several self-help videos over what a carburetor was all about, “knowing I could figure this all out”.
Several hours later of pondering, observing, and feeling my way through all of the data, with the full intention of doing this by myself, for me. I found the bent line, the clip that had been moved from the front of the choke to behind it, with a piece of wire, lots of patience, and a tiny lift with a set of very long nosed pliers. I received the pleasure of my mower back up to full, normal, running capacity. My grass once again being mowed and trimmed to the pleasant, organized operation I like people to see when they are passing by or pulling in.
Pleased with myself for my ability to maintain my focus on the final picture I expected. Allowing the Universe to help me put the pieces together by not messing with how I would get it done, just what I desired for final results. Then using all of that scenario my entire week in seeing my pens full, my clients enjoying themselves, readily paying and wanting more of my time. Visualizing much laughter, money, time and effort all being simple and enjoyable with answers easily presenting themselves.
Especially so in the situation with the newly gelded horse, whose owner has decided financially to back my sessions with his horse’s movement recovery from way too long hooves, of twice daily to once a day. I know he is doing the best that he can, so the Universe has come to his assistance in providing me with a new young filly to train two pens over. That he now paces up and down in his pen (since it takes at least 45 days for the testosterone level to change) talking to her, telling her how wonderful he is, she is….blah, blah, blah. Yet marvelously causing him to self-exercise in his attempt to get her attention. When before her arrival he was just standing there being all ouchy, miserable, and almost impossible to motivate. Now finding a much needed reason to move in his pen and when he comes out, as he talks to her constantly…though a little less every day. His legs showing the continued improvement, as the swelling and tenderness are becoming less and less apparent as his body begins to recuperate from the few years of neglect.
All of these choices are always ours. Can we or can’t we? Our intent so connected to our beliefs. The no’s stop us, the possibilities draw us forward. Looking for a solution is life giving, staring at the problem stops us in our tracks. Bad mouthing, cussing, screaming, crying or kicking ourselves when we are down, seems like we are doing something because we are venting, we are allowing it out. Just noticing how long we stay at the unhappy feeling side of the problem, before venturing out to find a few solutions. What choice do I make, for I always get to choose. I get to decide if I continue to dig through all of the trash of yesterday or the treasures. I love the things that feel good, I know those are the feelings to treasure, to find more of, and to believe “I can figure this out, I usually do, and I can share it with others!” One simple day, hour, minute, or moment at a time!
My email this morning from the Universe (TUT) was an inspiring piece on the top 10 things people do to give away their power:
1. Asking others what they should do. 2. Thinking God decides who gets what. 3. Worrying about how their dream will come true. 4. Thinking they have dues to pay. 5. Attaching to unimportant details and outcomes. 6. Believing in soul mates. 7. Thinking karma or spiritual contracts are absolute. 8. Fear of anything, especially falling in love. 9. Waiting for their ducks to line up before acting. 10. Choosing to be unhappy.
Understand the truth, little bird, and you will soar.
Caw-caw, The Universe
Which in and of itself set the tone for my day in more ways than I would have ever imagined. Especially when one mixes this information with the many other pieces of information I chance to open, draw my attention, or are handed to me to read. With this morning’s day starting at well before six, as I managed to beat the alarm awake with this feeling of impending change. So I fed, perused my email, fixed breakfast, showered and then began my arranging my schedule to allow me to get all horses rode before twelve thirty and the amazing heat of this last week. All the while imagining and expecting rain from the tail tell signs of the flies way to up close and personal, the heavy thickness in the air, the huge stacks of storm clouds in the distance and the blankets of clouds that kept filtering the sun’s rays. Allowing momentary relief in the arena as I moved from horse to horse, aware of how many new steps I have successfully accomplished with each mount.
As I was grooming my last horse of the morning, I suddenly had this very old thought/belief that flitted across my mind. One of those that you believe in so strongly, you would swear by it. But I noticed my reaction to it, suddenly seeing and understanding from where it came from, what was probably meant by it when I learned it, and the absurdity of it now as I truly looked at the hold it has had on me and my life.
I was just brushing the horse when the thought “animals are to be fed and taken care of first” crossed my mind. I remembered being yelled at, intimidated and threatened if I did not take care of them, before I was allowed to do anything else. I became aware of how I have held myself to that standard for years, until right then, because of the conversation I had with my client yesterday over a very old horse she had recently noticed, had been checking on, and her now disclosed feelings about why to keep it alive in such condition. It had food, water, yet its bones were visible, it was extremely hairy and in this heat…
I know there are many sides to every story, it is not mine to judge. It’s just the story made me realize how trapped I have been, because I religiously take better care of my animals first. Than I have ever done for me, and as I remembered this I thought how crazy it is, that this habit mimics my old ways of taking care of others better than me. Not realizing, if I don’t eat, drink or take care of me first, I am really not taking care of the animals to the best of my ability. I have had this habit since I was very small and my dad went ballistic over me missing feeding the dog one night and threatened me with my very life if I did anything before feeding them ever again. What a belief to install, believe in, or condition your every habit to in a total survival mode.
I came in when finished, pleased with myself for having all horses tended to before 12:30 and out of the heat. In to ponder this new awareness, to be greeted by the TUT notes in another’s blog and email. Now enjoying this process of being led, allowing stuff to come up, be looked at, decided on for how true it might or might not still be, then changing accordingly.
Aware of my body still signaling to me if I have totally cleared something, when I should pay attention, and especially if I am enjoying myself… or not. There is still tightness in the left side of my neck, typing this makes my mouth dry, though I have had a splendid evening of chick flick movies. Being entertained and having other pieces of my life shown to me in entirely new perspectives, as I discover I am looking at life more and more as a changing kaleidoscope of then, now and next. Things are what they were, can be viewed many ways, and sometimes allowing the obvious out to be reassessed can be quite liberating.