After all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”
My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention. The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.
The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…
You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.
Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.
First responder habit still has dibs on you!
No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.
Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.
Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.
The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.
It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…
Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!
I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.
Officially A WordPress Blogger, though this blogging could be a slow process of sifting through with the help of this new format I have been allowing myself to learn, integrate, understand and get truly comfortable with from the last few weeks of deep introspection. My G-u-i-dance(God U & I Dance) has been slowly coming to the forefront in the last several months, weeks, days and hours as I am understanding more about my connection to source, in my teaching, coaching, training, parenting, and just plain living, loving life. Today’s lessons was in part in the form of a learning curve in an email I receive periodically from one of the EFT tapping sources I subscribed to because he sometimes sends out new information from sources I would not normally go looking for. This one was for a free transformational video http://vimeo.com/37153242 which I tried to load last night, after the second failed attempt, decided I would try once more this morning and it came right up. Being rained out, made a perfect day off to catch up on everything from the last few weeks of straight through working both places and figuring out my youngest son’s next steps. I had everything fed, a load started, made some coffee with two blackberry fruit spread biscuits, dimmed the lights and allowed the video to stream. As it played I noted my coffee (after two weeks without) was bitter, the biscuits felt stuffed to the brim and the words became alive, interesting, drawing me to listen closer, tapping the entire time, aware of the importance of connection to an answer I had been seeking. I was so aware of my feelings, that when it was over, I went back through for the key words for me. Finding them I then tried to listen to the other video’s in connection to the first one on YouTube, but those held no importance for me. The three words that lit up and I felt such a relevance to were the negative words: prejudice and separation and the flip side; unity. With these words, came the desire to straighten up and finish several projects I had started, then paused with all of this introspection. I pulled out the seam on one of the sleeves I was refinishing, then trimmed, ironed, finished two shirts, fitted and redesigned two pairs of pants. Did all of my other laundry, checked my son’s chores making note of what he did right, checked the kitchen, fixed a small snack and started my solitaire procedure as I allowed the pieces to fit more comfortably into place. Fascinated by the clipping sound the card game uses in dealing the cards, very much like the sound of cutting loose threads, trimming hair or clipping newspaper ads… all the same as trimming the habits I have noticed and am allowing myself to view and change. Especially aware of the three outside horses currently in training: all are older mares, having had hard lives, rough usage, scars, injuries, adjustments and lots of fear based reactions to being handled when they first arrived. The white mare came in ready to defend to the end, her right to be in charge… she now is soft, quiet, and so appreciative to the adjustments, love and assertive guidance, as she now waits, asks, and works with her new owners. They are so amazed of the quick turn-around from their first introduction to this rescue horse. The black mare has been here two months, she is older, more set in her fear, her desire to flee, rather than taking the time to figure it out… her and her owner has come quite a ways, but there is still more to do, as I learn to allow them to figure it out, as I wait to be asked instead of stepping in to rescue, because I know the answer does not mean I should do the work. The last mare, younger than the other two, starved to the point of her just about giving up. Her waking up so abruptly, to try to put me between her and the scary thing… Teaching me to be more aware of honoring me first, saving another at any cost, like in swimming will drown both of you. I know they were all here at this time because I needed their lessons, as much as they needed mine. To slow down, ask, observe, allow, wait till it feels right, easy and it flows…Funny all day today I have had the song “Haven’t Met You Yet” by Michael Buble playing in my head, telling me, all of this feeling no movement forward, is because the man is on his way & the Universe is making sure I am right here for each next puzzle piece stepping stone. Life is So Wonderful!