All this work, all this digging, all this examining, excavating, feeling, and awareness for answers/solutions to this current place of stucked-ness, that even my computer is pointing out that that word does not exist as I desire it to be. I tried the variations of actions my computer program suggested, yet none of them fit in “My” description of this latest tale of self-discovery. This evening’s rendition of the war of words unleashed when I went to make myself a simple desert and discovered my youngest had emptied almost the entire can of whipping cream, less the two liquid tablespoons which were summoned out by holding it upside down and they dribbled out.
There is this place of enoughness, a condition brought about by being nice, kind, considerate, and mindful of one’s manners because… we have guests, the elderly, men, ladies, young ears, and I should mind my place in the doing of dishes, putting out the meal, serving the kids and several other womanly chores that surfaced at today’s family gathering. Which brought up memories of Thanksgiving pasts when I knew both of my parents full time working situations and used to think how totally absurd it was for the women to have to do it all whilst the men lounged around, sampling the food and watching TV, and yet the women only got to relax after they had done it all.
I had spent the day deep in thought over the togetherness of my sisters and father’s family, the new things I desire and the space still between them, held apart from this unnamed sore point from my past which showed up in my waking as a tugging at my left shoulder and neck muscles early this morning. Staying to niggle at my consciousness as once again, the pain (pay attention I need) was alerting me to something about to become clear enough for me to change or release.
I had felt perfectly comfortable with most of the day’s activities, till the last several incidents here at the house with my youngest, doing the just getting by effort, with the final straw being the same old excuses turned into an old habit of trying to make me feel guilty for having to do without the whipped topping I had set my mouth for. When the words just came boiling out, angry, mad, and extremely frustrated, though for a change I could feel myself actually editing thoughts and feelings as soon as the tirade began, fascinated with the memories flooding my mind. As I worked my way through the explosion, calming myself, I became aware of the uncovered flawed beliefs, which had been firmly wedged beneath layers of that’s what women did.
My mind stating that there is no one here to hold me to that now. I can make new choices. I can have the very life I was shushed at for when I was much younger and told this it just how things are. Suddenly feeling a huge sigh escape from within as I found a sense of wonder at the ability and power of the tool of anger, when the lid on top of the problem is so tightly wedged and screwed on that the only way for things to come out is with the steam of energy prodded up to then beyond the boiling point.
Aware too, of the young horse I have in training who is so perfectly physically balanced, she knows the minute one is in just the right position for her to move and jostle inexperienced riders out of the seat of power, so she can maneuver her way back to where she wants to go. Much like my youngest son’s ability to tamper with my temper, where in the past he would prod my kettle till I got mad, to then apologize like crazy, make all kinds of promises to get his desire met first with no actual intention to do the follow up. Not tonight, tonight I found myself watching, aware, and changing as I noticed not only all of me, but all of him. Felt the parry and thrust of my well trained teacher of a child as I finally earned an “A” by getting mad, being made aware, getting over it, and still accomplishing a feeling of amazed relief now that all is said and done. A very learned and happy Thanksgiving indeed!
Woke up with an aching feeling in one of my bottom teeth, the kind that for me usually signals something stuck that is aching to be relieved from in between the slight space found between teeth. I wandered toward the bathroom pausing momentarily as I saw the light on in my office. Which around here at 7:30 in the morning, definitely means someone (my youngest son) is up on my computer, so I stuck my head in and asked if he had done all of the morning chores. Per our agreement for computer use this early in the morning without asking and waking me. He stated yes, and that he would make me a glass of instant breakfast to clinch the deal, since it was his responsibility today to take care of fixing something for us to eat.
I declined saying I would rather go get a real breakfast down at the café. He said that he would find something here so he could utilize as much computer time as possible before my return. Finally getting to the mirror in the bathroom to view the tooth in question, noting to the side of it a sore from me catching my gum with a toothpick last night. I then brushed my teeth, talking to the one in pain, asking it what was going on that I had somehow missed… No answer, so I proceeded to shower, dress, fix my makeup and hair as I then visualized my morning’s journey whilst quickly throwing a load in the washer and after moving last night’s load to the dryer. Noting the tennis shoes I was throwing in would look so much better with new white laces to be acquired at the dollar store next to the café and off I went.
One stop shopping at its finest, to walk in right up to the needed item, no waiting as the cashier met me when I came up with my purchase, rung it up and as I was digging for the change, pulled the few cents needed from the penny donation container on the counter to return dollars instead of change. Headed into the café, found a lighted booth facing the door, ordered, pulled out to read my latest Kindle book as I enjoyed their really good breakfast offering. All the while aware of this niggling pain and what it was trying to convey to me. With no answer easily forth coming, I proceeded to the convenience store for teas and dessert for both him and me later in the day and to then head home.
Walked into a disarray in the living room of all of his stuff, thrown here and there, definite shoe marks from the barn to his room, and then met by a very pushy 14 year old, who attempted to grab his dessert to just wolf down. I corrected his intent by pointing at the floor, the mess now found in the kitchen and questioning if all chores had been completed, because until I had checked…he would be getting nothing.
Wandered back into the office to go through my email after I had finished another rotation of wash, all the while aware of my tooth suddenly aching louder just as he came back in with the dessert being devoured, stating his chores were accomplished. As I was going through my email I could feel the muscle in the back of my neck and the top of my shoulder all trying to add to the symphony of aches now coming in chorus from various parts of my body, when I caught myself looking for another email to defend myself from my disinterest in the current male.
I could feel this dawning of awareness between the aches, and the guilty/rude behavior I have been witnessing, acknowledging, and sugar coating my answers for in an attempt to make telling another No, okay. All of a sudden this desire for my ritual Sunday nap after a week of 5:30 risings, 5 horses and 2 or 3 lessons a day, hustling a 14 year old boy and then being “Nice” to a man when my senses had already alerted me to “he’s not it”. What in the world I have been thinking/drinking/smoking!!! I put on a meditation tape, noting as I started to doze, my son’s sneaking back in to play on the computer, but my body was in need and I was taking care of me, “First”.
I awoke knowing the tooth ache and mouth sore were symptoms of me “biting back words” being nice, accommodating, kind… seeing another as unable to take the truth, them not being able or willing to do something different, they’re not being able to be okay with my choices for me… Damn, I am still doing it, but at least I am catching myself sooner. I am becoming more aware of my still reacting first, then feeling if it is right for me or not, I can feel my body softening, relaxing, allowing me to feel good even now as I am writing all of this out.
I do believe my current challenge is to becoming a perfect, friend, lover, confidant, partner, trainer, and coach to my wonderfully tolerant loving body… the temple of my knowing, feeling, spiritual, aware, sensing soul. I am going to learn how to successfully really hear whatever it is trying to tell me as I become a true team player. Remembering there is no I in TEAM!
A unique 48 hours living with the feeling that I have been somehow still separated from all of me. So like many other things in my life I have been paying attention, looking around at the circumstances and allowing life to show me the mirror of my inner conflict. Which has caused an interesting stream of information to cover my buffet of life, much of this bringing up feelings, stories and situation I had been so extremely sure I had dealt with and laid them to rest till last night’s freshmen football game and the introduction to a new interested male into my life.
My horses as per usual keying me into different faucets of the scenarios before they actually came about, starting with the typical interest of another via an old internet dating site I occasionally decide to peruse. When I do, allows my ad to evidently become more current to catch the eye of the newest seekers, shown by interesting mail in my email folder, to where I went on line, read their profile, aware of the groan in my gut, and then answered it anyway. As several other things were of interest, and flirting is fun, so I sent off a quick reply. Then spent the next few hours in this place of unknown fear, as all of the hidden concerns about where I am currently at in my life, and how that might appear to another reached out and got my full attention. I was amazed, dumbfounded, and fascinated there was this much reaction to a simple query, but there it was. So I waited, felt, fretted, then talked myself into sanity of the fact that I can only deal with something when I know it exists. So I did with a few simple emails, each time checking with myself, with each word I typed, then I would send, receive and process each step accordingly.
Which led to last night’s first home game for my youngest son’s freshmen team and an interesting meeting with my older sister. We were catching up on the summer, and the her last class reunion as she told the story of one of her friend’s and how she was finally, officially, out in the open, dating the guy that everyone knew she had a thing for (evidently in my sister’s circle) so was now seeing. My entire system jumping to full alert, my mind going back to my life in high school and college, over the two guys I had such great friendship, love and admiration for…yet they did not fit my parents standards, curriculum and goals for me. So I walked away, did otherwise, always surprised when either’s picture shows up and the intense desire to know “What if?” now almost 40 years later.
So imagine my complete surprise to find one of them in my dreams, telling me he is in Mexico, he has been just now able to decide to find me, but has been kept away because he is so many things not on the list of the “right guy”. I woke up sort of puzzled as to why now, I have not dreamed of him so specifically, ever to my recollection. I went about today wondering what gives. To have several circumstances with the horses being wishy washy, finally getting them and the rider on trakc. Have several items owed for, but I do what’s right, allowing the one to pay to walk away and not ask for services rendered today. I know they will be back tomorrow, I just am so uncomfortable asking for my money, right now, today. I take this feeling of inadequacy back with me to drive, thinking and feeling for resolution…but nothing.
I come home and start looking for something to distract me, anything else other than worry for the answer which is not yet coming. Finally two internet games later, I find a game that is fast, different, and intriguing enough to fully engage my mind. I allow the answers to appear; How can another give to me if I cannot and will not give to myself. I have not allowed myself to explore the venue of relationships with another in almost three years. Because I have been successfully attracting those that fit a totally made up list over what sounded good. Based on height, occupation, mustaches, physique and the like…none of it really deep down true or what truly matters.
It’s all based on outside perception. Not a sense of feeling, the ability to know, the snapping to of my intuition to full attention, as all of my senses become aware. My very being knowing him, this long time easy feeling of friendship, this person who gets me, and I him. I do know the feeling. I have managed to do an entirely fantastic job of turning off each and every faucet that would allow me to function as all of me in this respect. I have separated myself from my biggest fan, lover, and friend…ME! I so apologize to myself for thinking I owed it to anyone to be untrue and disloyal to the most important being any one of us has the glory to know, honor and love.
Batten down the hatches, full speed ahead… I am allowing and honoring my right to have whatever and whoever it is I damn well please! 😀
The last few days have been a delving into bouts of extreme tiredness, giving me a chance to look around and see what might be the cause of this occasional body awareness. Which at one time I just assumed came from being worn out from whatever was going on in my life. But in this learning to be more aware of having the choice of what I observe as to what kind of time I am having, I chose to pay more attention to what the probable cause might truly be. Remembering to take in as many clues as I could during the first sign of fatigue, all the way up until the yawning gave way to a much needed nap. To be amazed at what I uncovered when today’s morning was almost exactly like yesterday’s, minus several small, particularly energy sapping situations.
Yesterday included my bus route, both am and pm. My son getting up, assisting with chores, eating breakfast and then asking for extra money with a five minute pleading session, followed by a yawn. Came home, to set up for the day of riding with equipment, watering, and my usual rotation of animals to ride. As my morning client arrived and started pitching in to get things rolling with the usual catching up with another over the few days between lessons. I addressing the progress with the two horses with feet issues, how the changes have allowed each horse to move easier. How much fun the weekend clients had been in teaching students so thoroughly interested in each answer I gave to their inquiring, curious minds.
Which as the information was exchanged, I felt this tug at my gut as the conversation suddenly turned to the chaotic evening now being explained to me. My entire body had this sensation of total alert; my mind suddenly found trying to race forward for possible solutions as the story was being told. When I realized my mount was uneasy. So I took a breath, excused myself, gave the story teller the option to get out the next horse to keep my timetable on track, and went out to ride. Once again comfortable, at ease, riding, fascinated by the horse staying so tuned into my every move. Enjoying myself as I played with the ease of his movements mimicking mine, when I spotted the student at odds with their mount as all of the actions between the two were tight, rigid and at odds, as a definite battle of the wills was in plain sight.
I rode over to be of assistance with this out of touch duo, giving suggestions, ideas, reminding to breathe, and relax hoping to break the tension. Finally at the thought of helping both rider and horse, I suggested a change to my mount since he is such an easy well finished horse, and as the student swapped from one animal to the next. My horse of long standing patience, reached out to nip my forearm as if to say enough, don’t, arghhh… I jumped as his lips just grazed the skin, aware of the feeling of tiredness almost overwhelming me. To then find myself querying the rider in my head if they knew how much they were rattling the horse and me, as I began intensely focusing on asking them detailed questions about their breathing, attitude, horse’s body language and to please relax. First the frown on their face, then the tightness of their knuckles, then wrists, arms, all the way through till they were wiggling both toes, freely without stirrups.
To finally see the horse take in deep breaths, as the person realized they were trying too hard. As they began to make progress, I could feel exhaustion sweeping over me. I so desired a break, a massage, a chance to piddle, to step away, to find the peace I had experienced earlier. So aware of the huge wave of frustration and fear over now what, to luckily by then find the duo had found a small connection, several steps taken as a pair, enough so that the rider knew the internal struggle was the cause of their disconnect. I became so aware of how easily I have in the past, learned to react trying to fix another’s story of struggle, and how wonderfully my body has learned to show me that I know longer need to do all of this fixing. It’s not my job!
My body is tired of me not living and taking full care of myself…only. I no longer need to allow conversations of angst, struggle, and disarray to affect me. Other than just being a sounding board to reflect back what they have said if they ask for help. They are just stories. They are just excuses from others to feel needy, incapable, helpless and so ineffective at shining their own light, not figuring out they have the power within themselves to be okay. It’s their choice and it’s always my choice to play or pay, depending upon how far down their tale of desperation I choose to go. Funny thing is today, both story tellers, left to their own solutions, came up with much better results by themselves and I had a great day by just stepping away and allowing them to find their own two feet to stand on.
I promised myself I would start to write this, albeit only if it is one sentence a day. I have this notion, idea, thought that things may be a whole lot more simple than I have been previously led to believe especially in the last few weeks of digging, finding, and exposing the deep down stuff that has had full reign over my life for years. Especially in this final round of sorting the wheat from the chaff, my awareness truly aroused after the series of events that led up to this writing.
Because of the various aches and signs from my body, my butt aches for the first time since I fell on it last week. My knee still has not allowed me to fully extend it, though each day with the stretches I manage a tad bit more than the day before. And the awareness of the aching of a tooth that had a root canal in the last year. The knee ache gone the minute I made the decision to actually start to write about the last few days, the entire pain dissipated as I opened the page. Which immediately led to my knowing I am on the right trail, so I best get off my rump and write, as to my body is making so much noise about my head’s fear of being wrong, this second guessing myself. Though that thought to is truly crazy, because I know the reason I write is for me to understand and learn more about myself in this sharing my thoughts out loud. As in typing the last phrase I allow me to see and feel the fear of judgment sitting in the corner trying to keep me quiet, squash the understanding I am putting out in print for me to get a firmer grasp and realization of.
My last month or so has been an interesting roller coaster ride of lots of awesome everything is just flowing along, and “wham” everything falls apart to find me suddenly feeling feel lost and confused. Except for knowing that when I stop and write to myself, I can discover answers hidden in plain sight as to what might have been causing these disconnects. More fully brought into view in going to lunch with my friend and fellow energy LOA buddy, as wehas a discussion of the events that led up to her drop in energy last Friday after both of us had been on this incredible ask and it would appear rollercoaster ride going. As she described her weekend, I heard her in her description the exact scenario of the reason I was beginning to become aware of our fall apart mechanism.
As she described feeling on top of her game till Saturday afternoon, when she was so hot and tired after working 6 horses, whilst she was thinking through the potential client who stated her services were too high, my mind latching on to the “just six horses”. Being fully aware of many times before of her doing more than that and she was just jubilant. My weekend of a new client just pulling in, signing up, paying up front in cash, so pleased, to then find my energy dropping when a phone call conversation was some scientific thing to prove the reason I need to learn from someone else, go back to school. My mind reeling from the “what more learning” when is this ever going to end, I “was” having fun.
When the answer fully clicked in, and my toothache vanished as I realized I get tired when I am trying to just think my way out of the problem of not enoughness. The minute another gets my attention to cause me to think I am not enough, my energy starts to stall, if I continue to try to figure out what they are talking about, I start to evaporate, dissolve into this cavern, deep inside, that the lights begin to dim, flicker… Not the bright, glowing, flame of passion like when I am handling a horse, teaching another, coaching someone through to find their own connection. I get so caught up in the moment I feel I can go for hours. I am having fun, helping them to learn how to move with the animal till both are on the same page.
It is all of these detours that get to me, the ones that get me to think thoughts that have nothing to do with movement forward, here, now, right this minute. Just this intellectual “They know more than me” sales pitch/opinion that starts just one smidgen of doubt, causing me to think about giving my trust away to keeping up with the Jones’s, or doing something I am not the least bit interested in contributing time or money to. Animals in my mind have it made, they don’t have the comparison thing going on. They have learned the ability to test a direction and if it does not feel good, work out, they then look around and keep moving till they find what does feel good and flow for them to move forward. Non movement is death, thinking too hard, struggling to understand, getting caught in a whirlwind of information one is not interested in, being polite to fit in is stagnation. They live in the now, every single minute of the day. They have no yesterday, or tomorrow now is important, it is everything. I am learning to trust more and more these subtle body clues of hmmm, even in reading my email I have discovered that slight pause, means delete, walk away. If it feels warm, inviting, I start to read and at the first hmmm, realize the best effort is to hit delete, to move, to do something, anything else, as life is calling me forward to something better, something more live giving, something for me.