Seems these last few months of looking at me has been a truly eye opening experience. Wrought with many of the dangers of really seeing my full self, from what I view in the mirror at different times of the day. The words that actually come out of my mouth any time during a day and the various emotions used or behind those words. This taken to even further awareness with this full sought desire to have a different life and my willingness to do whatever it would take to have the life I know is available to me. When I took the even bigger plunge of actually listening in on and hearing all of the pre-played conversations that I habitually was constructing the moment I noticed anything not being to my likings.
Suddenly, amazingly, truly aware of I am the creator of everything that is going on around me. Though for years I kept pushing off responsibility of it as happening to me, until that all came to a screeching halt right in my face the first time I deliberately practiced a new conversation with the next victim/person to grace my presence. No turning around and pushing it off on anyone else once the tiniest self-observation of caused deliberated change took place.
Not exactly a high five moment, even though it felt so good to have a different positive pre-concieved conscious outcome. There was then that vast realization that “I could change my life that fast” but there was so much to sort out. So many things I desired. Such a big mess to undo, all the while my mind suddenly tearing off in a new direction of panic, lists, descriptions, ideas and places to go to accomplish what seemed like an enormous chore.
I went to studying, watching, practicing, planning and then beating myself up for not getting it right in whatever time frame I allotted for myself to succeed with any new process. Thus crippling my every step out of the rut of habit I had so dug myself into.
There is nothing that puts one on the road to failure more than persecuting one’s self with a pre-planned time line. I got out the books, I downloaded the tapes, meditations, speakers and I worked on myself. I was going to master this. I was putting my understanding of what it would take to accomplish this now monumental task of being free of the old me. To live in a world of ??? what I understood of love, abundance, and success was.
Pushing myself toward this new goal because I knew my life could be different, better, more alive. So I worked at it, memorized, struggled, dug up all of the old memories, to release and make peace with myself and all associated with the events in my life.
Finding myself pulled up short anytime I shared with someone else. For if there was the slightest doubt, dislike or hint of disapproval… I would dig at myself more. Read, meditate, work, work, work at me in such a need to be free of this monkey on my back that was so close and yet so hard to reach and get a handle on.
Yesterday found me on my day off playing a game with a book open, and the same book being narrated on YouTube. While I let the words filter all around me, until something would catch my imagination, for me to pause the recording, match the words to the page in the book and then write down the phrase to fit me to use as an affirmation. All of this lasting until late last night when I felt this sense of recognition in some deeper part wash over me as I moved the speakers to face my room. I turned up the volume on the computer, turn off the monitor, as I settled into bed allowing the last few paragraphs to lull me off to sleep.
To be awakened at 4:30 with my first thought being of my shoulder not aching and my having slept almost the whole night through without pain. So I rolled over and tested it, as I had heard my inner thoughts send my shoulder love for allowing me to learn from all of the burdens I have been carrying over what I have understood about life, love, success and the other 100 words or so that have been under my scrutiny in the last 6 months or so of self-discovery. To discover it pain free…now that I listened.
Suddenly realizing this whole journey has been to uncover and find the true meaning, use and understanding of words that I grew up with, I have been teaching, sharing, living with by what I thought they meant or symbolized. The love I knew that had to be earned with clean rooms, clean bodies, chores done, things taken care of, proper behavior or dress … a total attachment to something, some ideal, or someone.
I have never truly lived the loving something enough to set it free, to be, without control over it… Allowing the Universe to constantly replenish with more and better than before, for in my understanding of once it is gone, it is over. The sudden awareness of the deaths of animals, humans, and situations all around me allowing me to suddenly see what I have been missing of just loving, touching, communicating because every moment connects to the next. If I am holding onto yesterday, there is no way to enjoy and relish today. Love is a realization of the moment, each breath, and the changes occurred in expansion to know and experience more… for if we don’t let go, we stagnate and are trapped, in a confined space, nothing coming in or going out. In breathing we must let the old air out to allow the new air in. Love and life are an awareness of each change…It’s all good when we let go of yesterday’s mistakes to become what our imagination shows to us is possible, in each dream that connects us to our inner selves which guides us when we let it.
It’s been awhile since I touched the keyboard to do anything except play and communicate with those people who touch my life and reflect back to me exactly where I am at any given moment. Which up until about 15 minutes ago… was decidedly still stuck, drilling for an answer in the same quagmire of life that I have been living and sorting through for the last seven years trying to find all of me.
This has allowed me to delve into many realms of answers, ideas, and solutions found out in the world around me, both locally and via the internet. Though as of late I could really feel that I have been basically turning over the same rock, in the same fashion, just with a slightly different twist each time as I think back over all of my writings… because each of them all point to the fact I have still been stuck. Existing, living, sharing, and progressively improving my position in life with the ever elusive goal… tantalizing and teasing me so seemingly right in front of me, only to then once again slip from my grasp.
The best part being, I am stubborn, determined and wonderfully supplied with a constant stream of horses and their owners to have a look see as to where this stuckedness is still coming from. Thankful as the money flow and communication with others has been constantly on the upswing. This has provided me with a new horse put in training 19 days ago, a young filly, just turning four, started with ground work, one saddling and once being led around with a child on her back, now to become the new mount for one of my newest students of the last two months.
The filly has been quite an interesting puzzle coming from a friend who does fantastic groundwork as evident with the last two horses of hers to grace my place. The only difference is with this mare is she expects to do exactly what she has been taught, her way, when and only as stiff and unyielding as she can be. Leading to the incident of the introduction of a rope that I looped on the saddle horn, which at the sound of hondo being tightened, she proceeded to take off bucking and running as hard and fiercely as was possible, before finally settling into a three hour trotting in full flight session.
This massive distrust of any movement away from her personal ideas of how things should be, causing her to duck, turn, and rapidly cover every foot of the pen with the rope just kept off the ground as I used it to constantly direct and redirect her. Occasionally garnering a stop, till there was any movement she spotted or heard coming from the rope still casually attached to the horn. About the time I was considering maybe I had stumbled onto a horse that I would have to physically out last (so not on my list of accomplishments) When from across the road the neighboring mare gave out a loud whinny, causing the little mare to snap her head around in the other horse’s direction as she slid to a stop to investigate.
Wonders of wonders… The sudden transformation from a determinedly possessed to wear one of us out wall-eyed in full flight, I found myself watching this horse suddenly become docile, soft, listening… as I watched what was the necessary catalyst to snap her out of her habitual fear response. Much like slapping someone in the face to get their attention when they become hysterical, allowing me to marvel now two days later as she continues to amaze me with her progress, each day doing more, easily meeting me at the gate, looking forward to the grooming, handling and riding.
This caused me yesterday to decide to tackle Freckles my small appaloosa and see if I could find the missing link that has caused him to be so stuck in his training, as it dawned on me that he too has consistent habitual freeze, don’t move, responses to many of the things asked of him, causing me to reflect on my own sense of feeling frozen in place. To find myself 32 hours later with two horses, completely and freely moving, listening and socializing with me and my training as the common denominator caught me suddenly aware of the rock I have been looking under… the rock was the answer, it’s my golden nugget. I have been looking on it, under it, around it, talking about it, just not able to see it for what it means to me and for others.
With training horses, there are two truths… either they are comfortable or their not. When they are comfortable they are great and easy to be around, if they are not there are four common reactions to their problems: fight, flight, faint or freeze. In dealing with these two animals I discovered my own life patterns staring me in the face. My fighting to be right, to be heard, to be alive or to have my life my way… My flight, running away from myself (and getting nowhere fast) doing busy work, saving and rescuing others, any dozen of excuses to run away from walking “fully” toward my dream… Freezing with cold feet, excuses, kids, trucks, weather etc. etc. And lastly fainting, sleep, drinking, eating, movies books any dozen of overindulgence’s that I have to finish or wait till I am done, before I move to the next one…( I was so taught to finish what I started)
Here today I now know my stuck habits, I have looked them in the face, discovered I am in charge of me. There is no more defining moment than to feel the freedom in catching oneself so determinedly being caught sitting on the fence, with all of these perfect reasons and plans why not to move! Why it seemed so important to figure it out… with the having to figure it out just as much as a delay factor as the rest. I feel like such a burden has been lifted off of me, as I have been smacked in the face with my own true reality, that I teach and tell others on an almost daily basis. We usually need most what we are telling to others… Imagine that!
In the few days since I last sat here to write, I have been enjoying the silence of finding and turning off the enormous ghost engine which has for years quietly been running my life. Fascinated by not only the peace and quiet that suddenly finds me at different moments in the day, but so enjoying the comfortable feel of my new found freedom of choices in changing many of my day to day routines and habits. As I become this person I always knew was locked away somewhere inside of me, scared, scarred and to intimidated to come out to venture into the light of full time view by any and everyone else.
The years of blame, frustration, and accrued misunderstanding from thinking it was always something outside of me causing my current problems. The feelings of being stuck on this eternally spinning wheel with no way to step off to walk out the door that always stood beckoning just moments or steps away. Constantly moving, shifting, and accomplishing so very many things for the pleasure and success of others, while I kept up hoping and waiting for my turn of more than the few, short durations of success. Where I would then find myself back at square one, having to start over, scratching my head and many times beating myself up over my inability to at least find a more balanced, stable place.
I have been enjoying myself, finding myself deep in meditative thought as I continue to savor the uprooting of that long time sacred belief about rules. Cleaning, riding, playing with the newest colt in training as I enjoy the ease I find in working with an animal who has no past schooling or drama to undo. Pleasurably asking, receiving, rewarding and enticing him to bigger, newer, and more expansive understanding into how to communicate with humans in his third week of training. So loving the ease of his big body, softly responding to each move he finds a comfortable, rewarded response to, as he has learned I fully well know the spot on the crest of his neck that I massage and scratch at each interval between the steps I ask for that he moves in the direction or manner of asking. Totally entertained by his willingness to show off how well he listens, with his occasional asking for the reward before I offer and his ability to then continue until I signal for the time of the reward.
Finding in the last day or so, a question from one of my readers if in my unearthing of this last layer was this all there is, as far as I might be going? As I was pondering her question I had several things all happen within the space of a few hours to bring about the answer I think she and all of us seek. When I was cleaning my kitchen floor, moving each piece of furniture and appliance, I suddenly became aware as I unearthed my son’s stack of flavoring packets stuffed behind the stove, just a few inches away from the trash can. This feeling of thankfulness and understanding I have of him as being the much needed teacher “I” created for me to understand how much of my power I have been giving away to others by blaming them for how they act toward me. I did not know I had the rights to have my own beliefs and ideas. I did not know I was in charge of my own life. The wave of appreciation flooded over me as I understood all of the upheaval, frustration and rage that I had so thought was because of what others were doing to me. I had been responsible for all along. I had all of this power to change it at any time, but had so bought into I wasn’t allowed, I wasn’t good enough. I was all of these things except powerful enough to create exactly any and everything that had, is and will happen to me.
Wow, talk about a truly clean peaceful kitchen and my insides.To then find myself once again doing a training session with the young marvel, who has now advanced to a bridle, riding inside and outside with the other horses turned loose to ride through or left in their pens. When the loose horses happened to venture near the place on the edge of the round pen where this youngster when turned out to play, they all usually exchange greetings, nips, and grooming. To find my steed completely ignoring me in his attempt to connect in this daily ritual as the two leaders came up and inquired for him up next to the pen. Which then found me for the next 5 or 10 minutes helping him to understand the difference in behavior by himself with the group, or with a human companion directing the dance, as I caused him to realize the change in dynamics, I felt a long time favorite saying, proudly pass through my head. Then abruptly caught myself when I realized what I have been telling myself all of these years and then have perfectly to the letter, been living it out.
The bells of awareness went to clanging, the signals of “change, be aware, and change this now” to then repeat slowly out loud the words… “I always have done the impossible with nothing” and “I have always waited till the last minute to get things done and then accomplish the impossible”. Knowing these phrases so perfectly describe the hamster wheel of my life acquired sometime in my youth when I discovered I could read at an incredible rate, recall almost all the information, to be able write out, complete or be tested on with absolute accuracy, to the point of being one others sought out to do their reports and stuff for cash.
It had been a great accomplishment that I had literally and figuratively taken to heart. Just not understanding or crediting myself with the power of my words in creating all of what has been an extreme roller coaster ride of having things, then back down to nothing and then amazingly have things work out.
Yes it “had” been great, it was fantastic that I survived my creations…but, I now choose to live, think, and feel more in the moment, as I discover and change the habits that are now more noticeably coming to the forefront for me to actually see, recognize and take full responsibility for, to choose, and change to whatever I now desire to have, be or become. Life is fantastic, such a wonderful playground to experience, understand, and create as I open myself up to the many differences I use to fear from the stance of thinking my life was dictated by someone or something outside of me. Instead of my connection to the Universe who created me to experience life from the perspective of me, just like I am, with my own personal dreams, desires, choices and outcomes!
This has been a long week or so of introspection and self-discovery in my having several doors closed (albeit at the time felt like rudely slammed) in my face, though each with a golden window of opportunity to discover my long standing (in my mind) stuckedness (a word my computer still argues about the existence of). And as per usual as is my mode of operation… I would pick the phrase that most quieted the now much smaller voices in my head “everything is just fine, things always work out for me, I know I am being guided” to having what seemed like there is no answers to be found… easily work themselves out.
I diligently continued to live, train, drive and attempt to write out the seemingly simple new possibilities and ideas that would find their way into my trains of thoughts. Though giving me relief for a few hours or until I came to sit down to write which just hours ago seemed like the answer I was in search of. Until I stopped first to check emails, then peruse through Facebook for added confirmation and feel good posts. This would then find me back attempting the same game, befuddled by the lack of commitment to the wondrous ideas of earlier, which still made sense but felt more like just the tip of the probe in getting to the real heart of the issue.
No desire to write, to commit thought to page or even open my writing section. I would just play, sometimes loosing completely, accumulate the points to the first, sometimes second level and still not feel any desire to move. All my motivation seemed stalled, hinging on something so close I could feel it, almost gripping my left arm in a pull from some time long ago, something from somewhere in my past holding on to me, with this tenseness as if I was stepping into real deep, unknown, almost a betrayal of all that I had been taught, schooled and learned. So instead I would play, lose, wandering in my mind, do my driving, all in an almost lack luster fashion, except for…
My riding, the place I go, get lost, can spend hours, alive, vibrant, relishing the horses responding and reacting to me and with me. The constant interchange from my marvelous friends, who keep alive, active and aware in me the constant differences to be found in each moment and with each individual animal as I played, rode and worked with becoming a better partner with them. Especially since this last Monday when I was graced with my third horse in this last year of a completely clean slate, never being saddled, ridden or handled except for the few basics of groundwork another 4 year old, this one an almost 16 hands Gypsy Drum.
Who within the first hour of playing with him, he learned to be saddled, to follow my feel and even allowed me to mount up, on and off several times from both sides. With each day adding a bit more, such as the first few walking steps, then completely around the round pen by Tuesday. Trotting a full circle in both directions, with stops at the shift of my seat, turns from the cues of my knees by Wednesday. Completely disengaging and moving faster or slowing down all with just a halter by Thursday. Ending the week with the owner present on Friday for both in and out of the round pen handling and riding. They were pleased, I was having so very much fun, all aware of this too meant something with these rolling set of unanswered questions to the solutions I could feel all around me, yet not quite put my fingers on.
I had learned the site which got me started in writing out my dreams and ideas was closing. I had the oldest person as of yet to start lessons at age 75 have a blast with her granddaughter at first concerned about this taking on learning about horses, with a cane, and her granny’s other physical limitations. Commenting what she herself had learned and how well her grandmother did in finding new ways to view the use of her cane and her body to have the horse respond safely, comfortably and easily, especially after watching her slower gaited grandmother leading the horse back, with the horse moving just as slowly, listening and respecting my newest student.
So the weekend went with me still kind of comfortably struggling, playing the same game, perusing the internet, with no real defining thought or ideas to direct my inquiring mind causing me to close it out, and open my solitaire games… win one, move to the next, win, and move. After several different types I came upon the one type I could not win so I turned off the computer and went to bed comfortably assured I would find the answer.
Waking up to find my son feeding as I had slept in, got up, made coffee, came in to check my email, to discover the solitaire game still open. I selected a new game and allowed myself to really slow it down, step, by step, finding the feeling of each and every move first. Seeking, finding, feeling, then sensing the thoughts that came together in tiny, small fragments… the pieces I had been searching for, forming in my mind, the answer had so carefully found my way to.
The rules of my life are of my own making. They are my choices. They only apply to me. I can bend them, flex them, use them or change them. I am no longer afraid to look at “others rules” as tools that might be of use for me, now or later… they are not laws that apply to every given circumstance.
Seems I have been stuck in this whirlpool of thoughts handed down to me over the years by so very many well-meaning people of what I “must, should, ought to, have to, and am expected to do” so I will be my best in their idea of the “my world”. My growing up religious teachings, the schools I have attended, the clinics, books, courses, teachers I have amassed, many of them meaning well in their attempts to teach and share what has worked for them. So many trying to make things easier for others in explaining the “rules” (a word to me that means hard, absolute, sovereign) reinforced by the taking away of any certifications awarded if I color outside of their lines.
Horses and in my learning and sharing with others have taught me… everything is unique, different sizes, taste, moves, expressions, and uses, all having their places at some time, in some fashion, apart, but still connected. All things, people, ideas, places, and opportunities fit together as tools to be used, now, later, for fun, work, money, opportunity, to eat, to run, to walk, to play, or to be stored … as we each first find free flowing flexible friendly feelings for our life. Baby steps to movement forward, slowly incrementally increasing our speed as we become comfortable being fully capable, all feeling, thinking, and responding as our total self.
As there is a whole world out there clamoring for my attention, all this information pushing to get me to listen… the thoughts, ideas and opinions helping to shape and guide me in the learning to be true to what feels best for me, first, foremost, and always… in whatever form or fashion is right, perfectly suited and appropriate for me, as me in each and every moment!
These last few times of frustration and tiredness I knew were trying to get me to let go, back off, and take a break so that the bigger picture could reveal itself to me, over what felt like a battle of the wills. As I would walk out to find the chores done haphazardly, hurriedly, and in no way the image I desire for my perspective new and present clients to find whenever they come down to the horse pens.
Though I have become highly appreciative at how easy and fast the re-doing or putting away the items left out has become. As I have consistently paid attention to my son’s complaints and noticed any time I spot some step that could be accomplished in a different fashion with better tools, different placement of hoses, racks, doors and even changing the type of latches to make things easier to do if one’s hands are full.
It’s just yesterday I so suspected the much needed rain is about to be here and from past experience know that dry waste material is easier to maneuver and move. So I decided with my current amount of horses to ride down to just 3, figured I could clean, fix, and re-do all the stalls with my extra time. Finding myself comfortably cleaning, enjoying the slow, rhythmic pace of shifting through the shavings, raking down the high spots as allowed myself to enjoy the quiet time of just me, connecting with the peace I find in doing these few simple cleaning chores.
Fascinated as I caught myself humming an old country tune by Bill Anderson about having love on the tip of his fingers, when suddenly I saw this movement out of the corner of my eye, and when I turned to figure it out. I was amazed at the picture that was laid out before me of all the pens now neat and in order. All of the empty stalls with clean buckets, freshly hung hay bags and nice clean ground awaiting the next horses and my own horse pens with fresh shavings raked out in a nice soft layer waiting for their occupants return. I saw the reason this lesson kept aggravating me almost too full frustration every day, even after all of the effort I have put into making it easier for anyone having these chores to do.
The whole message I had been trying to get myself to notice with all this discussion over cleanliness and perspective of clients first impressions. Wasn’t about him doing it right, it was me trying to get me to see how much I, like everybody else, need a fresh start, a clean slate, a new place to begin any and every day. Life is so much easier not carrying around all of the baggage from the day before, much less if we are lugging years of old laundry, images, memories and trash from our past.
A thousand different thoughts flashed through my mind of people I have known before that I have yet to allow them to have changed to become someone different, better, kinder, or realer than when we last met. There is so much stuff I have hung onto about me and how I might be perceived from someone else because of some incident 30 or 40 years ago. Thinking how much I have been taught to judge how I utilize each minute of the day by the value of my time if I do it wrong to some standard that I have to live up to.
So imagine the freedom I have now found in liberating myself and all others from my storehouse of back then to now. Like when I explained to my son how going to school is about learning how to think. Not memorizing facts and regurgitating them back. The letting him and myself off the hook for something not done right yesterday… it always has worked out before, I just couldn’t see it because of the blinders of being taught what to expect or look for so I will know I am doing things right… For Who?
Added to this was my morning discovery of the loss of my dictionary, which I queried my son about. Who came back with a quick retort of “Mom the dictionary??? You are right there” he said with a silly grin. I found the humor in now having no dictionary to look up every word to make sure I was using it the right way, spelling it in just the right fashion. No set of rules to bind me from being free to more easily express myself.
As I thought about how for years when I saw buzzards my first thought was death, something has died and there’s Universe’s sign. Compared to my realization of how free flying they are, as they soar in finding each wind current. Being lifted up to flow with the air, not because they have to fly to find food, having to scan each and every inch of earth. The flight is their thing to rise up, soar, majestically following the currents. They trust and know what they need is provided, they sense and feel when there is something that catches their glance, to zero in on, alight, take part in a meal. Life is that way when we allow it to guide us as we enjoy the living and breathing all the wonders it has for us fully in. As we explore how we view it, live it and become fully all of us living it. Alive, creating, experiencing, being!
I have been pondering on the few places I still have this feeling of stuckedness and like many things which happen for me these days. I was led to watch two movies yesterday, when in almost getting to the end of the first movie “Amazing Racer” the young lady and then her mom were so distraught over the lies about each other having died years ago, which they had been told and been living by till the present learning of each others alive existence. I felt this complete upheaval course right through me of my constant living down and suppressing my biggest desire… so I tapped, got calm and finished the movie.
To be drawn to then watch “The Mistle-tones” and have another internal wakening of the same truth about me and how I have managed to even in the present day allow others, perplexingly enough, still have such seemingly easy access to cause the why I do what I do. Curious as to the common denominator, also known as the big machine of habit that still was silently running in my background, and as I pondered on possibilities I felt this incredible tiredness sweep over me.
Knowing my body was trying to communicate with me, I got up, turned down the temp, turned on my bed, did my stretches, got comfortably situated in bed, added a few lines to my nightly steps to move toward list, turned on a comfortable meditation tape and went to sleep.
To wake up groggily, hours later, staring at a time of 5:38 on the clock, feeling out of step with the morning and the present moment of what is going on? When I came to full awareness that I had not set my alarm for my am route drive. So began this quick start morning, shower, dressed, truck started, hair, makeup, wallet, my morning drink, still out the door and on time for my route. Though I had this feeling of something following me in my mind, which caused me to start tapping on this confusion of not being centered, not really being open to know, find and realize all of the views of me I have yet to fully recognize, so hidden, afraid to come out to be shut away again and ignored.
The ride seemed short, uneventful, as the tapping did help to sort of release the uneasy earlier feeling, and there were some fleeting ideas of interest. Yet I still felt on the move, close, yet in need of some missing pieces. I added the word “help” to my to do list as I parked the bus. With this rumbling sensation of turmoil of too close to the truth to be safe feeling… and the first of several text messages came through on my phone. As my friend it seemed, was pondering the same sort of unanswered, uncomfortable questions about “love, God, work, right, wrong and truth”. Which we then texted back and forth about for an hour or so, sort of just throwing more stuff on the pondering pile, until the immense feeling of tiredness over took me again. I decided a nap for the answers was in order, by first making sure I added that exact thought to my list, as I drifted easily to sleep.
The awakening of the answers so easily poured out of my mind into my now more comfortable feeling body. I just sat down and wrote the reasoning’s I feel words can so keep one stuck in a circumstance such as: What if the words that stick or suck for us, is because of what we have been taught and shown that word means is true for the person who told us “their idea of love is… pain, suffering, giving, sacrificing, etc. etc. etc.” and we live with that because it is all we know, we love them, they show us their truth is real by exemplifying that exact behavior.
So we are now stuck, until we can see or experience it in other ways, by other people, who view it differently. Maybe that is why so many words are uncomfortable to so many. They have been overused, or taught to others to have totally different meanings, and what one person says, is not the same as another understands, or even what the first person meant. Kind of like I do when I write. I use God, The Universe, Source, to convey the unconditional love feeling I have had the wondrous experience of a few times in my life.
I know some of the various teachings and teachers I have enjoyed listening and learning from to increase my own understandings, such as Abraham stays away from the word God… Because of all the different meanings the word god has been given…I know/ suspect that is why they talk about just the simple feeling good or bad, as luckily we all know and can feel the variances of those two.
Just as I become more clear of Who I truly am, I am becoming more and more aware of the trap that words do to me… because of what I have experienced and understood in the past over what a particular word might mean. As I become clearer, and freer with my feelings around particular long held beliefs, I have discovered how much of life I have held at a distance from others trying to help me see things from where they have stood or are standing. Though as I am learning to re/think and re-choose what a word might now mean to me, always open to the possibility that too could change again at some future time to come.
Kind of like the realization that came to me this weekend, that were I to re-meet Donnie (the cowboy I was friends with, had a terrific crush on in college, till my parents look of disapproval) … Unless he continued to grow after our freshman year when I last saw him, like I did. He might be only about 5-9 or so, shorter than the man that occasionally appears in my fantasies. Because I grew almost 3 more inches from when I was 18 till I turned 21 to my current height of almost 6 ft.
So I now know why the pen can be mightier than the sword, why we should be sure our words our sweet, because tomorrow those words we might have to eat. But the feeling of freedom is growing day by day. I listen to the wisdom of my horses “trusting my gut”… which so beats the rattling of words in my mind I might not fully yet understand or comprehend how another intends them, from the meanings I might have yet to re-learn or comprehend in another way from my past. I am so now more easily moving forward with each step I now choose to take!
Woke up several times this morning before I actually decided to hone in on my thoughts, the ones that were rapidly swirling, evolving and becoming this insistent urging to get up and write it all down. Allow the keyboard to assimilate the evidence, align the possibilities and arrive upon the answers I have been moving steadily toward since a challenge I answered at BLC in November of last year of putting a goal out in public view, therefore having to actually commit to honoring my words to myself. Or quitting, giving up, throwing in the towel and just leaving things as they were… which to anyone who really knows me that is not an option.
Last night at our family Christmas party I received many things from my constantly being generated anew list, as I participated from a different feeling, more centered, more aware, totally new set of eyes, and ears. Listening, observing and participating from a perspective of “Lord, what would you have me see? How can I help? and What do I need to know?” as I watched the evening unfold as the various participants arrived, each one clothed in the reflected image I most needed to see about myself. There were the reflections of love, caring, fun, interest, hunger, sadness, distance, anger, hate, frustration, selfishness, weariness, and fear, all present in different packages, groups, ages, sexes, and beliefs.
Showing me the various paths I have tread on the road leading up to this reconstructing of who I am. This morning’s first thought was of me as a giant two sided jigsaw puzzle put together many years ago by caring hands who were following the instructions dictated to them by the slowly evolving generations before them. No one, ever, intentionally meaning to do any harm or wrong. They were each trained and schooled in the life path they had found themselves upon, no better or worse, just life as it is, as it unfolded around and before them. Taking the necessary steps of survival, understanding, caring, learning, and sharing that were part of raising a little girl, who though not by intent had several of the pieces in my puzzle that I use to think were missing, I discovered had just been put in the wrong place many times with the opposite side facing up. As I watched last night’s presentation of players in full view from my now broader perspective of the niggling question I have been struggling with over the haves and have nots, why me, when’s my turn and what else do I have to give up or away for someone else.
Suddenly having spring to mind the last half a dozen horses to come to me for training or re-rehabilitation with almost all of them showing symptoms of the right shoulder, left hip’s in ability to move easily and effectively. I had been pondering how I have the same issues…just the opposite side of my body. When the light went on, a mirror reflects the opposite of what’s being viewed. So all of the people in the room were reflecting back to me parts of me, hidden from my ability to perceive, from being so stuck on crazily asking the same question and expecting different answers. Aware of the incident with my youngest son’s dog crazy barking experiment just several days back. Where when he would not stop yapping, but instead of yelling at him to stop, I started focusing on when he was silent. Keeping my attention firmly on the spaces of quiet, fascinated at how easy it was to choose, yap or no yap to focus on, to find within minutes without ever looking at him, I suddenly found the peace I sought, both with the dog and myself.
I decided to implement this with much success, as I won the game of the evening, had my gifts delight the recipient, no struggle, no hurry, just slow deliberate choices. Found several of the felt like drama about to unfold till I chose to focus on a smile, the baby playing, the flavor of the food, or remembrance of the morning’s lesson with the new horse. As I took the time to be aware of what I was seeing, then feeling, I could then choose to do focus elsewhere and it would all change just as quickly. I became aware that all of these what felt like ugly, festering wounds were only coming up to be examined for the pieces they were of my own puzzle, unfortunately at some time, hurriedly jammed, stuffed, or forced into place by my learned perception at the time. Just needing to be taken out, reexamined and then place where they really did fit, were loved and appreciated.
There has never ever been anything missing, except for my lack of understanding, inability to step back and know, much less see a bigger picture, taught and learned from others who were doing everything in their power to assist me to get to today. To find the peace(piece) in every moment as I now carefully flip, turn and lovingly reassemble, reconstruct and rebuild all of the myriad pieces of the new found love of understanding of the world that is always reflecting the answers I seek. As I even examine, and rearrange my very bases of support, so very proud and appreciative of all of the talents, and tools I have acquired and now share in my exchanges with any and all others who ask as I help to reflect back their true worth and abilities to help themselves too!
This last week of observing, examining and figuring out where it is I am now headed, has had me fully aware, awake and conscious of my almost every moment. As I surmise, watch and listen to the signs found everywhere, now that I have uncovered, worn-out, or turned off all of the old engines that have been silently in many cases running my life. Old habits and patterns diligently worn, tried, trusted and in many cases feared… it’s just the way life is.
Funny how well I have learned in this last week to appreciate that the Universe really does have my back. I just have been forgetting to get out of the way and take my fingers off of the reins as I kept trying to force all kinds of things that were unnecessary or the really long way around to finally get the expected results. So as I thought about my truck, my sudden view of freedom of having to get something new. I was amazed at how quickly I found I had always had this awesome pocket on my person to put any request into that I could not find an answer to, and named it my God Pocket.
I asked about words I was uncomfortable with. I was told to simplify, break them down into little definitions. Search through anything anybody else thought about any word till I found two things. First would be my understanding or usual definition, then would come as many other definitions as I could find till I found a new way to view what might have been a long standing rule of application, now turned to a more “me” way of understanding it.
As I was playing with this redefining of old paradigm’s, I was graced with a new horse to start. She is pretty, young and proud of herself with her ability to have things her way. She came in deciding to set up shop by her rules. Not noticing, anything, except the places she intended to investigate. Suddenly aware of if I followed her sight line, she became stronger, more willful. Reminding me of working cattle, where if one keeps their eye on just the head, the body will make rapid departures in almost any other direction, Keeping this in mind, I set my sights on her chest, allowing my peripheral vision to note any movement out of sync with what I was asking for and within moments, I had this marvelous willing partner.
Not being one to let the Universe’s wonderful enlightenment to go to waste. I began to apply what I had learned toward my fellow human beings, especially my youngest. To be greeted with the most bizarre, displays of agile, vocal, antics any and every time he desired anything that he has not earned. I suddenly discovered all of those old silent machines of habits from my past, had been thoroughly coloring my reactions to so many what used to feel like unimaginable attacks on my sense of sanity, as I felt a total loss of control of my rights.
I found this ghost, phantom, imaginary specter that I know I created, by my habits from growing up as a youth. I could suddenly see my gift of gab relative, whom many listened to out of imagined respect for the extreme plethora of knowledge on most any and all subjects. The hands waving, the voice getting louder and more imaginative, as the tempo increased to keep the audience enthralled as they came up with the solution that sounded so plausible and possible… until one would check it out and discover the hot air that seemed to accompany the drink.
Fascinated how well the lesson with the young horse, was so easy to apply to my son. As I kept my focus on the center of his body, letting the waving hands, the extremes in voice, the wild stories of desire, attitude and unusual reasoning that was so trying to inspire me to spend what he had not yet acquired in funding. Amused even further, when I watched him go into an almost temper tantrum… that stopped even faster than it started when I caught him looking to see where my focus was. Hmmm I know I so love my ability to observe, listen, learn, and apply in this much quieter, grander world of the moment I now choose to live in.
Last Wednesday, after some 585,000 plus miles, my diesel truck’s engine finally called it quits. It started fine earlier that 32 degree morning and took me to the bus yard, where I turned it off and parked it to await my return trip home. To find when I returned, turned on the key enough to then do the customary wait for the glow plug light to go off, then turn the key completely to start my truck and be greeted with the sound of clunk, clunk, rattle, rattle as it tried to unsuccessfully start.
I quickly turned it off, knowing full well what the sounds coming from under the hood signaled… my long time trusted, and loved ride needed more than financially makes sense. I called my oldest son, deeply saddened, voice quaking as I left a message. To then call my closest friend, who offered the extra truck they had till I could figure something out, as I would now need to actually step up to invest in picking a new truck from the few I had been making inquiries and gathering information about.
Funny how after the initial shock of about an hour or so, I felt this much needed sense of relief, as if so old heavy unforeseen weight/wait was attached to my sense of responsibility to my old ride. There was this feeling of freedom, like all of a sudden I could have my life any way I truly choose to. As I thought about what would truly excite me…
Getting up to having breakfast served for me, something different each morning, by exploring all the exotic recipes in a cook book, or living with someone who likes to surprise me with imaginary cuisine three days of the week and I provide the selections on the other 3 taking one day off to sample some place new, different, in a distant city?
Going out to start my day with a flavored experimental new hot beverage as I meander in my morning chores of feeding, cleaning pens and sharing the list of ideas for the days resume of well-paying clients for their lessons in horse handling, body and foot care?
Occasional visits to other horse establishments for group lessons, practice runs, trials and competitive adventures, many horse related, some air, some water, some just plain exploration?
Answering emails, texts and viewing videos from distant clients who pay for my discriminative, expect observation and suggestions for changes in the posed questions of the situations presented.
A man to live with…
Who is tall, talented, fun, focused, fit, friendly, inquisitive, inquiring, sharing, coaching, teachable, amused, content and entertaining? He is fascinated with life, confidant, able, healthy, funny, attractive, and sociable with a life style that compliments and enhances the relationship. Kind of healthy, wealthy and wise, mechanically inclined and mentally stimulating, with a klutzy appealing aptitude to find the good in at least trying something new each month.
Money that flows in from…
Working, playing, training, coaching, competing, thinking, writing, imagining the most impromptu ideas that cause expansion of thought and mind.
Intrigue me, encourage, invite and tantalize me with their response to my handling, teaching and then learning from them.
A vehicle that…
Is spacious, efficient, comfortable, classy, unique, and affordable that is easy to own and maintain to handle anything that is needed, necessary or just plain fun.
With a house/cabin, fireplace, clean, comfortable, different and elegant in its simplicity, with a spacious view, easily accessible to clients with the privacy to play on the days of rest.
Opening my arms to embrace…
The unlimited possibilities of the Universe as I now let go of the fears of asking for what I truly deserve and trust that any and everything is now possible in this new wide open playing field… of freedom from my yesterdays.
All this aggravation about being told what to do, almost at will from various people with different ideas of how I “should” be spending my time, what I need, and how I am to go about it. At the same time I have been catching myself in my attempt to get away from this nagging feeling of restlessness after accomplishing several other things as I again, sit at the computer trying to win the same level for the last week or so. Accompanied by old voices in my head raining down on my playing a game instead of doing something much more productive, “times a wasting” there has to be something else I could be doing. All of this self-talk about being unproductive, which truly makes me conscious of my extreme work ethic, caused by the chorus of old critics in my head that now has become extremely loud and apparent with the clearing off of another few layers of habits.
“Enough, enough, enough” I rally at the stand I have to take with myself. I was so hoping for a slow, easy, leisurely weekend that started off so well last night with getting the tree up, lights on, two-thirds of the way decorated after I made new wreaths for the front gate and the door to the office. Still in a blush over the wonderful remarks from the man in the checkout counter who had mistook me for being much younger from my bustling about the store as I gathered the materials to finish the Christmas preparations. It may have been just a flirting way to get acquainted, but it was so nice to hear a truly Southern Mississippi drawl this far south in Texas, and he definitely made my night.
So to wake up to an argument going on within myself, over what I was responsible to do today and the rest of my weekend, just so set the tone for this frustrating, stubborn lack of movement I was so experiencing. The softness and feel with the horses has become so much of a revelation of how one should ask, wait, listen, and then respond. Making me more and more aware of how when I was growing up, we were told what to do. Expected to be seen and not heard. Not asked for permission, just given ultimatums and the consequences if we failed to follow suit. Noting even when I speak to my youngest, I can feel myself flinch and change in mid-sentence if I feel I am demanding first. Not asking in a simple format for what it is I might need assistance with.
This even doubly so after the site I had thought I lucked into for more readers of blogs like mine. Till I got the 3 days of avalanches of unsolicited emails about everything that is offered or written by others on that blog, as I found my email box crammed with over 15 to 25 hits a day. The good news is I have suddenly become aware of the latest trend of sharing my address for purchasing some service and now they solicit me for all of their fantastic, must listen to friends. To find myself almost screaming inside “Your not the boss of me,” I get to choose and I know how to say no or push the spam key.
All of this speaking wonders about what a doormat I use to be. How much I thought behaving by being nice, taking care of, saving or putting out everyone else s imagined forest fires of drama put me so far in the back of the line. I couldn’t hear myself yelling at the top of my lungs “It’s okay, they all can really take care of themselves” Guidance is about giving directions, setting examples, showing how well you can take care of yourself, then giving them the ideas of tools they might use to fix things for themselves.
Wow, being back in charge when you’ve always given that power away. This is a whole new dance, but I suspect I am so up to it, and so freaking deserving…It is about time.