It’s been awhile since I touched the keyboard to do anything except play and communicate with those people who touch my life and reflect back to me exactly where I am at any given moment. Which up until about 15 minutes ago… was decidedly still stuck, drilling for an answer in the same quagmire of life that I have been living and sorting through for the last seven years trying to find all of me.
This has allowed me to delve into many realms of answers, ideas, and solutions found out in the world around me, both locally and via the internet. Though as of late I could really feel that I have been basically turning over the same rock, in the same fashion, just with a slightly different twist each time as I think back over all of my writings… because each of them all point to the fact I have still been stuck. Existing, living, sharing, and progressively improving my position in life with the ever elusive goal… tantalizing and teasing me so seemingly right in front of me, only to then once again slip from my grasp.
The best part being, I am stubborn, determined and wonderfully supplied with a constant stream of horses and their owners to have a look see as to where this stuckedness is still coming from. Thankful as the money flow and communication with others has been constantly on the upswing. This has provided me with a new horse put in training 19 days ago, a young filly, just turning four, started with ground work, one saddling and once being led around with a child on her back, now to become the new mount for one of my newest students of the last two months.
The filly has been quite an interesting puzzle coming from a friend who does fantastic groundwork as evident with the last two horses of hers to grace my place. The only difference is with this mare is she expects to do exactly what she has been taught, her way, when and only as stiff and unyielding as she can be. Leading to the incident of the introduction of a rope that I looped on the saddle horn, which at the sound of hondo being tightened, she proceeded to take off bucking and running as hard and fiercely as was possible, before finally settling into a three hour trotting in full flight session.
This massive distrust of any movement away from her personal ideas of how things should be, causing her to duck, turn, and rapidly cover every foot of the pen with the rope just kept off the ground as I used it to constantly direct and redirect her. Occasionally garnering a stop, till there was any movement she spotted or heard coming from the rope still casually attached to the horn. About the time I was considering maybe I had stumbled onto a horse that I would have to physically out last (so not on my list of accomplishments) When from across the road the neighboring mare gave out a loud whinny, causing the little mare to snap her head around in the other horse’s direction as she slid to a stop to investigate.
Wonders of wonders… The sudden transformation from a determinedly possessed to wear one of us out wall-eyed in full flight, I found myself watching this horse suddenly become docile, soft, listening… as I watched what was the necessary catalyst to snap her out of her habitual fear response. Much like slapping someone in the face to get their attention when they become hysterical, allowing me to marvel now two days later as she continues to amaze me with her progress, each day doing more, easily meeting me at the gate, looking forward to the grooming, handling and riding.
This caused me yesterday to decide to tackle Freckles my small appaloosa and see if I could find the missing link that has caused him to be so stuck in his training, as it dawned on me that he too has consistent habitual freeze, don’t move, responses to many of the things asked of him, causing me to reflect on my own sense of feeling frozen in place. To find myself 32 hours later with two horses, completely and freely moving, listening and socializing with me and my training as the common denominator caught me suddenly aware of the rock I have been looking under… the rock was the answer, it’s my golden nugget. I have been looking on it, under it, around it, talking about it, just not able to see it for what it means to me and for others.
With training horses, there are two truths… either they are comfortable or their not. When they are comfortable they are great and easy to be around, if they are not there are four common reactions to their problems: fight, flight, faint or freeze. In dealing with these two animals I discovered my own life patterns staring me in the face. My fighting to be right, to be heard, to be alive or to have my life my way… My flight, running away from myself (and getting nowhere fast) doing busy work, saving and rescuing others, any dozen of excuses to run away from walking “fully” toward my dream… Freezing with cold feet, excuses, kids, trucks, weather etc. etc. And lastly fainting, sleep, drinking, eating, movies books any dozen of overindulgence’s that I have to finish or wait till I am done, before I move to the next one…( I was so taught to finish what I started)
Here today I now know my stuck habits, I have looked them in the face, discovered I am in charge of me. There is no more defining moment than to feel the freedom in catching oneself so determinedly being caught sitting on the fence, with all of these perfect reasons and plans why not to move! Why it seemed so important to figure it out… with the having to figure it out just as much as a delay factor as the rest. I feel like such a burden has been lifted off of me, as I have been smacked in the face with my own true reality, that I teach and tell others on an almost daily basis. We usually need most what we are telling to others… Imagine that!
In the few days since I last sat here to write, I have been enjoying the silence of finding and turning off the enormous ghost engine which has for years quietly been running my life. Fascinated by not only the peace and quiet that suddenly finds me at different moments in the day, but so enjoying the comfortable feel of my new found freedom of choices in changing many of my day to day routines and habits. As I become this person I always knew was locked away somewhere inside of me, scared, scarred and to intimidated to come out to venture into the light of full time view by any and everyone else.
The years of blame, frustration, and accrued misunderstanding from thinking it was always something outside of me causing my current problems. The feelings of being stuck on this eternally spinning wheel with no way to step off to walk out the door that always stood beckoning just moments or steps away. Constantly moving, shifting, and accomplishing so very many things for the pleasure and success of others, while I kept up hoping and waiting for my turn of more than the few, short durations of success. Where I would then find myself back at square one, having to start over, scratching my head and many times beating myself up over my inability to at least find a more balanced, stable place.
I have been enjoying myself, finding myself deep in meditative thought as I continue to savor the uprooting of that long time sacred belief about rules. Cleaning, riding, playing with the newest colt in training as I enjoy the ease I find in working with an animal who has no past schooling or drama to undo. Pleasurably asking, receiving, rewarding and enticing him to bigger, newer, and more expansive understanding into how to communicate with humans in his third week of training. So loving the ease of his big body, softly responding to each move he finds a comfortable, rewarded response to, as he has learned I fully well know the spot on the crest of his neck that I massage and scratch at each interval between the steps I ask for that he moves in the direction or manner of asking. Totally entertained by his willingness to show off how well he listens, with his occasional asking for the reward before I offer and his ability to then continue until I signal for the time of the reward.
Finding in the last day or so, a question from one of my readers if in my unearthing of this last layer was this all there is, as far as I might be going? As I was pondering her question I had several things all happen within the space of a few hours to bring about the answer I think she and all of us seek. When I was cleaning my kitchen floor, moving each piece of furniture and appliance, I suddenly became aware as I unearthed my son’s stack of flavoring packets stuffed behind the stove, just a few inches away from the trash can. This feeling of thankfulness and understanding I have of him as being the much needed teacher “I” created for me to understand how much of my power I have been giving away to others by blaming them for how they act toward me. I did not know I had the rights to have my own beliefs and ideas. I did not know I was in charge of my own life. The wave of appreciation flooded over me as I understood all of the upheaval, frustration and rage that I had so thought was because of what others were doing to me. I had been responsible for all along. I had all of this power to change it at any time, but had so bought into I wasn’t allowed, I wasn’t good enough. I was all of these things except powerful enough to create exactly any and everything that had, is and will happen to me.
Wow, talk about a truly clean peaceful kitchen and my insides.To then find myself once again doing a training session with the young marvel, who has now advanced to a bridle, riding inside and outside with the other horses turned loose to ride through or left in their pens. When the loose horses happened to venture near the place on the edge of the round pen where this youngster when turned out to play, they all usually exchange greetings, nips, and grooming. To find my steed completely ignoring me in his attempt to connect in this daily ritual as the two leaders came up and inquired for him up next to the pen. Which then found me for the next 5 or 10 minutes helping him to understand the difference in behavior by himself with the group, or with a human companion directing the dance, as I caused him to realize the change in dynamics, I felt a long time favorite saying, proudly pass through my head. Then abruptly caught myself when I realized what I have been telling myself all of these years and then have perfectly to the letter, been living it out.
The bells of awareness went to clanging, the signals of “change, be aware, and change this now” to then repeat slowly out loud the words… “I always have done the impossible with nothing” and “I have always waited till the last minute to get things done and then accomplish the impossible”. Knowing these phrases so perfectly describe the hamster wheel of my life acquired sometime in my youth when I discovered I could read at an incredible rate, recall almost all the information, to be able write out, complete or be tested on with absolute accuracy, to the point of being one others sought out to do their reports and stuff for cash.
It had been a great accomplishment that I had literally and figuratively taken to heart. Just not understanding or crediting myself with the power of my words in creating all of what has been an extreme roller coaster ride of having things, then back down to nothing and then amazingly have things work out.
Yes it “had” been great, it was fantastic that I survived my creations…but, I now choose to live, think, and feel more in the moment, as I discover and change the habits that are now more noticeably coming to the forefront for me to actually see, recognize and take full responsibility for, to choose, and change to whatever I now desire to have, be or become. Life is fantastic, such a wonderful playground to experience, understand, and create as I open myself up to the many differences I use to fear from the stance of thinking my life was dictated by someone or something outside of me. Instead of my connection to the Universe who created me to experience life from the perspective of me, just like I am, with my own personal dreams, desires, choices and outcomes!
This post has been over a month in the manifestation of due to my previous inability to start on this tale to suddenly finding a total other story making its way on the page in front of me. Allowing me to slowly, deliberately, sense for the feeling of am I there yet? With the answer coming from my gut in a resounding no, not yet, not even close enough to feel comfortable in sharing with myself, much less the world, these mysterious ways that words can enslave us.
Though never is the actual fault found in the word itself, in the way it is spelled or in the way the word is used. I have discovered that the problem for me is more of how “I” understand what I think is being said, by my interpretation from previous experiences, the inflections of my listening, where I am at when being told and how I feel about the person or source of information. Perfectly shown to me by my recent client in a discussion over a show I had gone to watch about dock dogs and she piped in how she had the book from the author of “Doc Dogs” at home. I asked what the specialized training might be for the dogs. She looked at me puzzled, as she explained it was probably whatever illness the vet was working on at the time. Where I realized there was a miscommunication, explained the set up for the show with the large swimming pool, and she laughed to add that her book was from a vet’s years of practice. Same sounding word, two totally contrasting stories, and understandings.
Allowing me to know I was on the right track in the clean-up work I have been doing. There are so many words over the years that I have been discovering have hidden agendas, prejudices, reactions, and I have uncomfortable feelings toward. Yet they are just words that somebody used or taught meant only whatever connotation was allowed or important at that time. I have been fascinated with how very stuck in my craw and scary an old adage had become as I lovingly started feeling in my gut first for the matching thought in my head. Becoming more and more aware of what an awesome student I was from whoever held my attention long enough to get me to buy whatever they were selling, because they were bigger, older, more demanding or authoritive than me. The control of my life giving or taken away at times…because someone else said it was right. Growing up in an age of not being allowed to question what others were saying because they loved us and knew what was best for us, because that was what was taught and expected of them.
I am aware of how strong those teachings were as I continue to relearn, reeducate myself in dealing with others in a more understanding fashion, as I am slowly teaching myself to breathe first. Then feel how the thought in my head feels, comfortable, or uncomfortable. Slowing down to feel and choose the most comfortable has proven to be changing my life, though it has caused me to be aware of how much of my life use to be lived on autopilot. Doing any and everything on a list someone else would give me. Running like a squirrel stuck on a wheel, completing, checking, adjusting, moving, looking for a hint of approval, and then adding whatever else was expected to the list when no approval was forth coming.
To find in the last few weeks, tons of improvements showing up everywhere here… yet I felt this uneasiness when I would notice what wasn’t done. So I would revamp my list, get several things humming along, feel the discomfort, add more to the list… round and round as the wheel began to get faster again… Till luckily this morning’s lesson was having trouble with her horse getting totally into her space, and as I was explaining a third way to deal with it… I heard myself tell her “she was pulling the horse in by micro-managing the lead rope” giving the horse no ability to choose where it could or couldn’t go.
Eureka… I knew that answer was meant for me. I have been “trying” to micro-manage the Universe, my son, my animals, yes even trying to manage the wicked wind that I finally surrendered to and took my sign down to get it mounted to a good solid base, instead of the flimsy one I have been getting by with. But it is all okay. It is perfect. Without all of these “problems” I have no idea how long I would have continued before I figure out this pattern of having to be right, correct or perfect. Instead of just being… alive, moving, changing, adapting, discovering and creating a more enjoyable and comfortable me to live with, my way, my choices, my ideas, my comfortable, breathing, feeling, sensing self…Sigh!!
Feels like an entire year has gone by since the last time I sat down to write out my thoughts as I muddled through this last week of trying several times to clear this belief that has “wait”ed me down my entire life. Each time thinking I had found the bottom layer of this tightly packed, deeply ingrained, well beaten in habit of thinking then acting, I would find then find the same frustrating scenario to tackle once again. So I trudged on, determined to let the little me free who has stood frozen in fear of repercussion lest I move to suddenly and unleash the ire of another human being for being in the wrong place at the perfect moment of their intention to be doing or going someplace else.
In my careful unraveling of the many different layers of this puzzling dilemma of not knowing exactly which way up might be. I came across several interesting threads of information which I would first perceive as the total solution, until the next minor implosion would occur.
The first of these was my becoming aware of how thoroughly I had been schooled to believe if I do everything according to the rules…things must change and if they do not… then something out there must be at fault. So when for what felt like the hundredth time in my years of having kids, once again the job assigned to them had been only partially completed and I found myself calmly figuring out how I would do it next time. Realizing my fault in all of this was the expectation of them living up to their promise of compliance, given under the pretense to get their way at the moment of the conversation.
I saw the millions of times that I would change, bend, and allow myself the opportunity to find an easier better way, both in the completion of the job and the way to state the desired results. I was to blame, because I was not allowing their growth in figuring out the solution and finishing the work completely on their own. Feeling so stuck in the time constraint of the arrival of clients and the needs of the animals. I had allowed them to train me to do all of their work and thinking for them.
So I let that sink in, changed my expectations for me. Rearranged the rules and had sort of satisfactory results for a day or two. Before I encountered the same problem again, multiplied by ten, with even less done, more anger, and tons of frustration over being patient and trying to understand. Which lasted long enough to cause mouth ulcers from held back venting, that I can attest to, honestly go away when one finally lets loose and becomes assertive as to whose responsibilities belongs to whom. As I handed my son the total of monies he earned for the days chores, minus the cost of my time finishing them… his twenty cents equaled one package of Ramen soup.
Then this morning found an even larger discrepancy between what was promised and what was delivered. To find me staring aghast, with the evidence so firmly in my face as he began to explain the reasons for my completely blown expectations, which as he talked I suddenly saw my entire childhood, my teen years, all the way up to the present moment. Completely exposed for sham of lies I had been taught and bought into as a little girl, and even now as I have allowed this behavior to control my current life… by re-teaching it to my kids. I just bawled, tapped, cried, allowed the long shouldered belief to be picked up, examined, thoroughly sized up, then reached up and cut the long tentacles from the nerves they had been so tightly grown in to.
Taking all this blame for when things go wrong; because others have complete amnesty from any wrong doing with the excuses they have been allowed to believe give them the rights to behave or do the things they do. The list well laid out in front of me by an earlier viewing from a teacher friend of a comedy video of a parent/teacher meeting where little Johnny has ADHD, attention disorders, bi-polar, he is to smart, an athlete, etc. etc. etc. Adding to that the numerous ones I have heard this last week with others deciding against a divorce or break up, cause their loving other: drinks, has blackouts, didn’t mean it, has job problems, bad bosses, etc. etc. etc.
Seems I have attracted these eye opening experiences of giving permission by my learned habit of “having to hear them out first”. I have this wide open door with foot prints all over the little me in the middle. A tiny little child, who until just a year or two back, jumped in a reactive self-preservation stance whenever things happened to fast, waiting to see or hear an explanation, before quickly fixing the problem. I have done a lot to uncover, learn to assert, and allow myself to have a life that I enjoy. Now I am learning how to actually live in a fashion, that I truly used to believe only happened to and for others.
I own the fact I caused all of this, it was what I was taught by well-meaning others, who had it taught to them. All of it truly done with the best of intentions. Just thankfully I have cooked, cleaned, repaired, and restarted enough animals, recipes and places to know things can be changed and made better, as long as we know what we don’t like and are willing to admit it’s our responsibility to do something different. We are only stopped when we look outside of our self to someone else for the final say over the answer that works best for us. I owe to me to pay attention, take my time to truly feel for what is right for me, and change anything I desire otherwise!
A week of integrating and discovering more deeper levels of myself as I sift through the moments of the last 7 days of the adventure of my life always leading me to finding doors long closed by old ideas and beliefs shared by caring others for my own good. Which in this last week I have paused to actually stop and fully exam not only the belief, but the timing of where I was at mentally and emotionally that might have caused me to misconstrue what was originally intended. Many times extremely surprised how sometimes just a casual sounding or meant remark at the most inopportune time can cause such long linger grief. Self-sabotage to one person in a state of defense, from another only guarding their own precarious hold on their own sense of worth.
Allowing me an attempt to more understand the few still stuck places that have held the doors so tightly bound by fears of back lashes from situations that happened such an extremely long time ago. Just brought more to my awareness in the passing of three longtime friends, two of those within days of each other, and the last service showed me the key to what had felt like an almost impossible task. As I watched all of these people gather to share their remembrances, talking in small groups of family, friends, people supporting the grieving and children playing as they wait to be gathered to go home.
Each group holding an entirely different energy and belief depending upon their view of life up till this point, with some finding new strengths, some suffering souls are pounding the depths of sorrow, and some just filling up with food. I listened to several tales of his last few days, amazed at the different descriptions which were contained in the emotion the story teller was deep in the grip of. After I chanced upon several old time friends who gave their reasons for things to happen as they did, leaving me with a cauldron of brewing thoughts when I left and headed back home.
I spent the next couple of days on a roller coaster as waves of thoughts from my past, my old beliefs, and my ever expanding awareness to there being so much more to life than I was originally led to believe as a child. Schooled into me as a teenager, drummed into me in college, and taught to me through the many rules of jobs and relationships, until the year I became ill. Which now in looking back I am aware it was the only way source/God/Universe could answer my questions as to why did life seem so hard, why was love such a battle and what more could I do to find the place of love that I found when I would go outside, with the animals and nature.
In being sick, so sick of how things were, how much I hurt, how much I so struggled to understand… I went within. I tapped, I talked, I read, I did everything I was told to do to fix it. I exhausted every part of me and in an extreme need for relief from this inferno of confusion… I went outside and asked the horses to help me.
Almost 5 years later after turning loose and letting go of so many beliefs of others. Losing countless friends, animals, places of residence and a variety of jobs to finally, comfortably I find an answer I can live with and works perfectly for me. It is not others I look to for love, answers, or permission any more. I now know giving my life away…happens the moment I say no to me and yes to someone else first.
I have been waiting/weighting for permission to be me. I have expected permission to be granted for millions of things I do because it has been trained into me to fit in. I know that my dog waited till he knew I was going to be okay, I sat and talked with him, told him I loved him to much to make him suffer getting older just so I would have his companionship. I heard the story of my friend’s death who went in to the hospital from a fall, stuff was found, more tests were run and after the final results were told to him, he checked himself out, went home and died.
To give the power of my life away because another says their opinion is law, the truth. Afraid not, not for me, I have gone to many places, seen to many things that defy what many call law. I remember a story of some man having an incredibly cluttered desk and someone quoting to him “ a clutter desk, shows a cluttered mind”. So this person went searching till he found someone famous, that he appreciated who thought, lived and proved otherwise; Winston Churchill “An empty desk, shows an empty mind”. So I know about our own personal power, do we wait for approval to ride the icy slide as it slowly melts away, or do we dive off to have an exhilarating experience… for us. I choose to defy someone else’s odds of how it should be and now live my life freely, my way with the choices that resonate and feel right for me!
Last Wednesday, after some 585,000 plus miles, my diesel truck’s engine finally called it quits. It started fine earlier that 32 degree morning and took me to the bus yard, where I turned it off and parked it to await my return trip home. To find when I returned, turned on the key enough to then do the customary wait for the glow plug light to go off, then turn the key completely to start my truck and be greeted with the sound of clunk, clunk, rattle, rattle as it tried to unsuccessfully start.
I quickly turned it off, knowing full well what the sounds coming from under the hood signaled… my long time trusted, and loved ride needed more than financially makes sense. I called my oldest son, deeply saddened, voice quaking as I left a message. To then call my closest friend, who offered the extra truck they had till I could figure something out, as I would now need to actually step up to invest in picking a new truck from the few I had been making inquiries and gathering information about.
Funny how after the initial shock of about an hour or so, I felt this much needed sense of relief, as if so old heavy unforeseen weight/wait was attached to my sense of responsibility to my old ride. There was this feeling of freedom, like all of a sudden I could have my life any way I truly choose to. As I thought about what would truly excite me…
Getting up to having breakfast served for me, something different each morning, by exploring all the exotic recipes in a cook book, or living with someone who likes to surprise me with imaginary cuisine three days of the week and I provide the selections on the other 3 taking one day off to sample some place new, different, in a distant city?
Going out to start my day with a flavored experimental new hot beverage as I meander in my morning chores of feeding, cleaning pens and sharing the list of ideas for the days resume of well-paying clients for their lessons in horse handling, body and foot care?
Occasional visits to other horse establishments for group lessons, practice runs, trials and competitive adventures, many horse related, some air, some water, some just plain exploration?
Answering emails, texts and viewing videos from distant clients who pay for my discriminative, expect observation and suggestions for changes in the posed questions of the situations presented.
A man to live with…
Who is tall, talented, fun, focused, fit, friendly, inquisitive, inquiring, sharing, coaching, teachable, amused, content and entertaining? He is fascinated with life, confidant, able, healthy, funny, attractive, and sociable with a life style that compliments and enhances the relationship. Kind of healthy, wealthy and wise, mechanically inclined and mentally stimulating, with a klutzy appealing aptitude to find the good in at least trying something new each month.
Money that flows in from…
Working, playing, training, coaching, competing, thinking, writing, imagining the most impromptu ideas that cause expansion of thought and mind.
Intrigue me, encourage, invite and tantalize me with their response to my handling, teaching and then learning from them.
A vehicle that…
Is spacious, efficient, comfortable, classy, unique, and affordable that is easy to own and maintain to handle anything that is needed, necessary or just plain fun.
With a house/cabin, fireplace, clean, comfortable, different and elegant in its simplicity, with a spacious view, easily accessible to clients with the privacy to play on the days of rest.
Opening my arms to embrace…
The unlimited possibilities of the Universe as I now let go of the fears of asking for what I truly deserve and trust that any and everything is now possible in this new wide open playing field… of freedom from my yesterdays.
All this aggravation about being told what to do, almost at will from various people with different ideas of how I “should” be spending my time, what I need, and how I am to go about it. At the same time I have been catching myself in my attempt to get away from this nagging feeling of restlessness after accomplishing several other things as I again, sit at the computer trying to win the same level for the last week or so. Accompanied by old voices in my head raining down on my playing a game instead of doing something much more productive, “times a wasting” there has to be something else I could be doing. All of this self-talk about being unproductive, which truly makes me conscious of my extreme work ethic, caused by the chorus of old critics in my head that now has become extremely loud and apparent with the clearing off of another few layers of habits.
“Enough, enough, enough” I rally at the stand I have to take with myself. I was so hoping for a slow, easy, leisurely weekend that started off so well last night with getting the tree up, lights on, two-thirds of the way decorated after I made new wreaths for the front gate and the door to the office. Still in a blush over the wonderful remarks from the man in the checkout counter who had mistook me for being much younger from my bustling about the store as I gathered the materials to finish the Christmas preparations. It may have been just a flirting way to get acquainted, but it was so nice to hear a truly Southern Mississippi drawl this far south in Texas, and he definitely made my night.
So to wake up to an argument going on within myself, over what I was responsible to do today and the rest of my weekend, just so set the tone for this frustrating, stubborn lack of movement I was so experiencing. The softness and feel with the horses has become so much of a revelation of how one should ask, wait, listen, and then respond. Making me more and more aware of how when I was growing up, we were told what to do. Expected to be seen and not heard. Not asked for permission, just given ultimatums and the consequences if we failed to follow suit. Noting even when I speak to my youngest, I can feel myself flinch and change in mid-sentence if I feel I am demanding first. Not asking in a simple format for what it is I might need assistance with.
This even doubly so after the site I had thought I lucked into for more readers of blogs like mine. Till I got the 3 days of avalanches of unsolicited emails about everything that is offered or written by others on that blog, as I found my email box crammed with over 15 to 25 hits a day. The good news is I have suddenly become aware of the latest trend of sharing my address for purchasing some service and now they solicit me for all of their fantastic, must listen to friends. To find myself almost screaming inside “Your not the boss of me,” I get to choose and I know how to say no or push the spam key.
All of this speaking wonders about what a doormat I use to be. How much I thought behaving by being nice, taking care of, saving or putting out everyone else s imagined forest fires of drama put me so far in the back of the line. I couldn’t hear myself yelling at the top of my lungs “It’s okay, they all can really take care of themselves” Guidance is about giving directions, setting examples, showing how well you can take care of yourself, then giving them the ideas of tools they might use to fix things for themselves.
Wow, being back in charge when you’ve always given that power away. This is a whole new dance, but I suspect I am so up to it, and so freaking deserving…It is about time.
One consistent belief seems to be the underlying theme of the last week or so, which totally leaped into full view as I was observing my big horse today when he ignored his feed and was just playing with his hay this morning so non-typical of my main steed. Though he was already on the watch and observe list because of my finding him laying down yesterday when I returned from work to ride and then watched him gingerly get to his feet. Moving with a tell-tale limp to the grooming area where I went over him thoroughly, looking and feeling for any clues to allow me to figure out the cause of his discomfort. Finding no heat, normal body signs, and only the attempts to stay off of his left hind leg. I then took him through some simple stretches, bends, walk and trot lead line patterns noting the gradual ease back into a more comfortable handling of each of his limbs, before I gave him some natural herbs, re-brushed him down and then turned him out knowing the day off will be good for him.
To find myself re-thinking the last few days, the various cuts and gashes in the ground of the signs of brisk, rough play, with extreme turns and spins shared as the horses cavorted in the new cooler winter coming weather. Suspecting this morning he may have more going on than first surmised. Finding me checking all of the hard and fast signs I know as rules for horse health. Though my mind was doing the “what ifs” thoughts, by taking in his age, his status in the herd, what he means to me, and so on. To be fascinated by my awareness to in the other signs I was now making note of.
Suddenly the buzzard sunning on the fence post, the two other vultures that flew over as a team. The total possibility of death added to the other questions now presented to me to observe and figure out. When from within I felt this series of why’s and what’s with the singular answer quickly coming to the forefront. To be met just as quickly as what else could all of this possibly mean? When my user name from one of the dating sites I use to belong to popped into my head “Just One” and it dawned on me how well I have been taught to just choose one, logical, even if uncomfortable answer.
One person for the rest of my life, one breed of dog, one horse to own, one of anything because it has to last you forever, or its all you will ever have. Now the whys start rolling out just as fast, who says so, and what if, it dies, it breaks, it leaves, it does whatever happens to cause its disappearance and I am still alive or what if I change my mind?
Total silence from the usually clamoring crowd of voices in my head with all of their so very practiced opinions… till I heard one squeaky voice from the back “you’ll be different, you’ll be weird, you’ll be sorry, sad or just plain wrong…again!!”
I thought about it, decided I like to live, fully alive, trying different things, having different experiences, wearing clothes that feel good, fit me, works for whatever is going on at the moment. I like to choose, and evidently enjoy changing my mind, and not listening to the crowd. Hmmm… it feels good to just be aware of the now silenced voices in my head.
My horse is grazing, he is softer now, visiting with me as I write and periodically check outside to see how they all are as they browse in the yard. My treat for them allowing me to realize there is so much more to live and see if I allow for the Universe to continue to open me up to allow the millions of opportunities of abundance and life that I have never even considered, thought about or even realized were possible. After I had left here with only the first part of this post written, fascinated as I drove along thinking about some things I have been desiring to accomplish with my limited understanding of the how’s to accomplish any of them. To suddenly realize how small the crack was of allowing the Universe to help with any ideas outside of what I could conceive or come up with (much like drinking my coffee with a lid through a straw so only a little bit comes out at a time). I found my mind racing with ideas and beliefs I only thought could happen in movies, to others with money, or from the occasional miracle. Flooding my mind which was now swimming in delight with all kinds of choices that did not have to be narrowed down to “just one” for any desire to happen.
I walked back into the house, ready to face my computer and my latest nemeses of some adware and stuff that has been slowing my pc down, armed with the possibility that I could learn how to do this myself. All I had to do was listen, trust, and allow things that mentally I have yet to comprehend, as in by trusting my gut I clicked on links and found answers not following any said or prescribed that I know of computer path, to find I have not only cleaned and sped up my computer. But managed to find, detect and remove 30 items that the last few days of scanning and struggling did not even register as threats. Is life awesome or what! Allowing, letting in, and inviting God/the Universe completely into the dance with me so expands my range of choice to the infinite and beyond… Hee Hee!!!
As my life continues I am thrilled with the ever expanding variety of new ways to view, use, find and experience each moment. Many times allowing me a clearer view of what might be possible, probable or more plausible than I was so completely led to believe from my limited view from my world. A world of sometimes just simply horses, people, the small town I currently live in and the selections of information via the internet that I choose to partake in. Allowing me to surmise, understand and adjust whatever it is I am currently seeking answers to from the latest question in my mind.
These last few weeks have been from a much more observing then participating point of an interaction. As I have been integrating the feeling in me of my intended gaze, as to whether the response felt is good, bad or neutral. To then add this information to my handling time with the horses and their owners, the questions they bring and the reactions found in their learning of each other’s languages. Finding myself so very aware of how much whatever is going on with them when I suggest possibilities of resolutions. I then find what I am telling them usually fully applies to what personal problem I am working through. Making the best teachers for me are these wonderful players who come to me to learn.
The horse yesterday so totally living right now, in the present moment, so aware of when her handler is thinking, trying to implement the latest lesson, as the horse snaps its head around, ears forward, eyes staring hard out to the left, as the rider questions me on her seat position and then refocus on the horse as I explain what to do. The horse relaxes when no one directly responds to its attempt to make a big deal out of the sack floating 100 yards across the field insignificantly in the breeze. This born instinct to stay fully focused in the moment with three choices always at the ready. Alert by listening, seeing, the aware by feeling for good or bad, yet always one moment away from calm, comfortable centered.
Animals and their owners have made me so aware of the habits drilled, taught, learned, and at times still practiced of remembering and living in the past or tomorrow. With feelings of discomfort, pain, dislike, hurt and any number of other negative and uncomfortable feelings that are mine to continue, soak in, carry like a huge sack of garbage, fully tied to the yuck… or like the horses, it’s done, let’s eat, drink, play and live, fully embrace the now.
Last night some video or email talked about having the choice in each moment to choose what one feels. Suggesting life is easier if we just always choose to just feel a little better with each thought, thing or situation. I have heard this idea a lot in the last few years, just all of a sudden I heard, really heard what was being said. So all morning long I have been doing exactly that, just living in each moment aware of what I am thinking, seeing, doing and monitoring my gut on how it feels. Suddenly finding it getting easier and easier to truly choose better thoughts as I find myself rewarded with unexpected money, situations righting themselves to my benefit, unexpected time and cooperation with the Universe at every turn. I love life, the ability to ask the Universe any question, that when I let the waitress take my order and let her leave to get it fulfilled… Like magic, it does. It just keeps getting better and better.
All this work, all this digging, all this examining, excavating, feeling, and awareness for answers/solutions to this current place of stucked-ness, that even my computer is pointing out that that word does not exist as I desire it to be. I tried the variations of actions my computer program suggested, yet none of them fit in “My” description of this latest tale of self-discovery. This evening’s rendition of the war of words unleashed when I went to make myself a simple desert and discovered my youngest had emptied almost the entire can of whipping cream, less the two liquid tablespoons which were summoned out by holding it upside down and they dribbled out.
There is this place of enoughness, a condition brought about by being nice, kind, considerate, and mindful of one’s manners because… we have guests, the elderly, men, ladies, young ears, and I should mind my place in the doing of dishes, putting out the meal, serving the kids and several other womanly chores that surfaced at today’s family gathering. Which brought up memories of Thanksgiving pasts when I knew both of my parents full time working situations and used to think how totally absurd it was for the women to have to do it all whilst the men lounged around, sampling the food and watching TV, and yet the women only got to relax after they had done it all.
I had spent the day deep in thought over the togetherness of my sisters and father’s family, the new things I desire and the space still between them, held apart from this unnamed sore point from my past which showed up in my waking as a tugging at my left shoulder and neck muscles early this morning. Staying to niggle at my consciousness as once again, the pain (pay attention I need) was alerting me to something about to become clear enough for me to change or release.
I had felt perfectly comfortable with most of the day’s activities, till the last several incidents here at the house with my youngest, doing the just getting by effort, with the final straw being the same old excuses turned into an old habit of trying to make me feel guilty for having to do without the whipped topping I had set my mouth for. When the words just came boiling out, angry, mad, and extremely frustrated, though for a change I could feel myself actually editing thoughts and feelings as soon as the tirade began, fascinated with the memories flooding my mind. As I worked my way through the explosion, calming myself, I became aware of the uncovered flawed beliefs, which had been firmly wedged beneath layers of that’s what women did.
My mind stating that there is no one here to hold me to that now. I can make new choices. I can have the very life I was shushed at for when I was much younger and told this it just how things are. Suddenly feeling a huge sigh escape from within as I found a sense of wonder at the ability and power of the tool of anger, when the lid on top of the problem is so tightly wedged and screwed on that the only way for things to come out is with the steam of energy prodded up to then beyond the boiling point.
Aware too, of the young horse I have in training who is so perfectly physically balanced, she knows the minute one is in just the right position for her to move and jostle inexperienced riders out of the seat of power, so she can maneuver her way back to where she wants to go. Much like my youngest son’s ability to tamper with my temper, where in the past he would prod my kettle till I got mad, to then apologize like crazy, make all kinds of promises to get his desire met first with no actual intention to do the follow up. Not tonight, tonight I found myself watching, aware, and changing as I noticed not only all of me, but all of him. Felt the parry and thrust of my well trained teacher of a child as I finally earned an “A” by getting mad, being made aware, getting over it, and still accomplishing a feeling of amazed relief now that all is said and done. A very learned and happy Thanksgiving indeed!