Had to be discovered, uncovered, ruminated on, put down, picked up, knocked around, screwed with, listened to and cried about. Finding me in a search for the answer that has been perplexing me in the simplicity of knowing it was right in front of me, yet totally impossible to see as I continued to beat myself up in any and every way I possibly could find. For no other reason than the most important facts of all: stubborn, bull-headed, determined, non-quitter of anything I put my mind to… I can do somehow, some way, even if it takes years.
I so love myself for being so sure that I would find the answer, even as I commenced the game at the same level, for the umpteenth time in a row.,playing till I completely numbed myself to any feelings at all for success with the game, just so deeply involved with the frustrated tortured sensation in my gut, that spread to my shoulder, to finally find me feeling the uncomfortable sensation in my feet of being stuck in deep, painful, sucking mud. With a demand from the bus yard to attend a last minute meeting with less than 24 hours warning.
Thus stirring the cauldron of all ready seething frustration, and being told when I came in from my morning run… all would be shuttled over “together” in a bus, which meant more of my valuable time to be then tied up riding back when I was just minutes away from home with a client possibly sitting waiting should the meeting run to long.
I picked up the phone, called, explained my position to my boss to be granted permission to drive solo. Sat through the meeting of changes to be implemented next year feeling the growing irritation over my being stifled to move, flow and change at my own speed. The minute it was over I was out the door, drove home to find my house of 24 hours earlier of cleanliness and order… door opened, all the lights on, the computer blaring and only a portion of my youngest son’s chores done.
You got to be kidding… I was so mad, so angry, so seriously hurting everywhere, as I cleaned and organized my horses hay, water and feed. Re-digging the drainage line from the round pen to allow it to finish drying out from the much needed rain, and I felt this tugging at my soul, as I crumbled into a bawling mess begging the Universe/God to Help, Help, Help me!!!
The phone rang and I proceeded to be allowed to vent, rage, talk myself sane with my finest friend as we sifted and sorted through the feelings of such stuckedness we have both been struggling with back and forth these last few weeks. When she uttered the word salvation or surrender… something to do with all of our conversations about religious upbringing, when I felt the word “punishment” roll off of my tongue to cause this immense relief flood through me, as the full answer began to shape itself in my mind with all of the clues from the numerous conversations of the last month or so.
She had just reached her destination and would call me back later to share whatever the other came up with. I found myself in the need for a space of reflection as I pulled up my choice of meditation, took a deep breath and allowed myself to let it all go. Watching in fascination as my mind began to sort and sift the understandings that had so been puzzling me about my attention to detail, my ability to create immediately for others, my ability to feel what others need before they ask. The ability to read people and animals, to connect and communicate with everything and anything for anybody else but me because I follow the rules so well, just beat myself up and sabotage stuff for myself.
I felt the suggestion about “question everything” go drifting across my mind and the realization of all I do to myself when things go wrong suddenly made wonderful sense… I have trained myself to follow the rules, the law, and the statements of others as being factual, set in stone. Just because someone else “said so”. I have repeatedly punished myself for others beliefs having more rights than me.
Suddenly aware of all the times I have broken others rules or laws to come out handsomely, only to berate myself of the unfairness “it might cause” someone if they find out. If I was late, found money, discovered a different answer, or way to do things or any other millions of things I do that are different than was required… yet usually made a better, faster, easier solution. Just seemed to always make someone else feel bad or unhappy because of whatever reason would make them feel right.
I now realize I can make whatever laws or rules I need. There really aren’t any rules that truly apply to me except my own. I have rights, left overs, yes’s and no’s that apply to me…by me only. I can stop punishing myself for this feeling of not enoughness because I know that God is love. Complete unconditional, no rules, no absolutes, everyone is right, everyone is okay, all things are created and covered by the rule of connection. Everything fits and works somewhere, for someone, at some time, and it’s all okay.
The pains just melted, the frustration fizzled. The fear of being found out of doing it anyway that works for me…It’s all good. It all makes sense. We are all in this together because we and everything is made in God’s perfect image. This changing, adapting, improvising, and becoming, makes up our world. All the differences give us color, variety, change, creation, diversity and an assortment to choose from. I choose to love every part of me, anyone, and anything, it’s messy, dirty, clean, varied and it is life. Long live the freedom to choose… my own whatever, whenever, however, or why-ever!
Awareness of another in an entire new spectrum of understanding, just by allowing myself to find the best feeling view of the scenario presented in front of me. The day after feeling I had truly re-wove my tapestry of how I choose to live my life. I know I partially started on Saturday morning when I chose to purposely wake late after my first week back bus driving, riding and teaching. Giving myself the luxury of actually lying in bed totally enjoying the peacefulness of an alarms silenced moments before they intended to go off. I just laid there enjoying the comfort of my decision to mold my life moment by moment.
Then actually arising, feeding, haying, watering and reveling in the animals appreciation of my tending to their various needs as I experienced the coolness still found happily at 7:30, as I fixed on my to do list of this holiday weekend. I made a point to linger in the shower, luxuriating in the foam of lather from a very sudsy deep purple wash cloth, then the wonderfully sensual scent from the coconut crème rinse as the aroma was saturating the shower area in the strong flow of elegant hot water. I was so enjoying the vision of my being selecting the most wonderful feeling scenes for each moment of the day. Stepping out to engulf myself in my oversized, big fluffy towel that wonderfully whisked off each droplet, before coming to rest turban style above my head with hair comfortably enclosed. Hair dryer to style my bangs, pull the rest into a quick pony tail, sunscreen, makeup, taking the time to accentuate my eyes, before I pulled on my shades and my sweat stained lilac ball cap to complete the feeling I wanted to exude.
Heading to the kitchen for toast, lime water, and my Emergen-C as I headed out to greet my expected three clients, plus two other unexpected sons and their one horse. Making it a point to allow my eyes to take in the entire picture playing out before me as my eyes settled on the view that brought a feeling of “I like that” to my solar plexus. To then truly begin the new path of choice over reaction I had found so different and comfortable in the last few weeks of changing and letting go of “other peoples opinions” as I now deliberately allow myself to find how life works when I choose for me…first.
The situation that presented itself was 5 individuals, each with a difference, each allowed to be who they chose to be. All here for horse handling lessons, all at different levels, interests and abilities, my lesson was to keep my focus on the one most interested, asking questions, wanting to learn, and allowing each to show where they were in their understanding or capability. To then guide by hands on, voice, example, or situation as I played with their listening, and accomplishing to encourage and allow them to stand on their own two feet and successfully put each piece together.
Noting some chaos from those who sought center stage, just allowing others in the group the energy needed to redirect those members. As I kept my focus on the ones inhaling the information shared. Totally delving into the ones who could so enjoyed getting their hands and self into their deepest desires to have each question answered. The wonder of the deep breaths, bright eyes, and hands that were feeling for the answers my words were describing, as they sought with their bodies, and fingers for the desired result from such a wonderfully patient horse. I was so reveling in each moment as the freedom from constraints of being made to feel wrong, were loosed from me and these enjoyably entertaining students.
The one hour lesson turned into two, extended by the eldest asking me about his interest in roping and my other long ago, laid down passion brought out from the dusty roping bag hanging in the rafters. To then become totally involved in breaking down each little step of holding, coiling, handling, moving, touching, and throwing the rope till he had a real feel for several aspects of the sport I sense has been idling in his mind for a while. I indulged myself, by following the questions I felt or sensed in each willing participant. Allowing others in the group the ability to find their own two feet to handle each and every oddity that tried to take away from the fun the larger part of the group was experiencing. Fascinated with how different and fun everything turned out by only dealing with what I chose to keep my focus on.
Now, forty-eight hours later, I feel and realize this is such a much easier way to live. It truly is okay to only find the best feeling thing to look at. I can turn my head away from the commotion, deal with the fun things and the world really does keep spinning. Someone else really does show up to handle the other stuff. I really can redirect conversations to things I enjoy, say no to what I don’t want, and live for me. All the other things take care of themselves as I let others deal with their things. Looking at someone and seeing them as possible… sure makes life easier and a whole lot more fun.