I’ve been resisting writing the last few days, even though I know I have uncovered a lot of stuff and turned it all into rich, soft, fertile ground to plant all of my now renewed, re-discovered and truly life changing hopes and dreams. Many of them from years and years back, some relating all the way back to my childhood where all I could ever imagine or think about was spending time near horses, around horses or on horses. Making equipment, blankets, bridles, reins and halters out of every scrap of lacing, leather or material I had access to.
Begging, pleading, bartering or chattering to any and all that would listen. Getting into this much misaligned habit of sharing by having to play with others in the games, manners and ways that made them happy, as I hopefully waited for my turn, the turn that came with the promise of if I shared my time with them, and “played nice”, then they would have to do the same for me. Though many times as not the minutes, hours, days would roll by with the “if I would just wait or do one more thing” then my turn would come.
To find me all these many years later, still waiting, playing, coaching, teaching, training and being paid handsomely for those who are starting out, starting over, actually going after their dreams too, of the joy, freedom, and satisfaction that comes from being a horse owner and connecting as a partner with an animal of such immense size, ability and awareness.
The last few days of this week found me once again working with and mulling over the little app horse I have had for 6 years, which had been given to me as a kid’s because of his size. Though my initial response in handling and meeting him… was are you kidding me?? Taking all of the time possible since then, to exam him and myself for all of the accumulated lessons of fear, distrust, and fleeing, so readily discernible up until the last three years of his tendency to bolt at the slightest movement from anyone or anything. So much of that originally attributed to the large indention in the center of his head about two inches up from between his eyes where he would flinch if a hand got to close, more so on the left side where he would then lock his legs, swing his head as far as possible to the right and stand there.
I have used and tried so very many different methods that I know, have learned, have had suggested, a lot of trial and error, always making small steps toward releasing the image he has so ingrained into his habitual responses. Though on Thursday I noticed his jumping always tied into the minute either hind quarter was trapped into a space he had to pass through. Finding the story I had learned about other foals the previous owner had raised then gives away as 2 and 3 year olds and how he would push them into a squeeze shoot, fumbling with his disability from several old injuries, sometimes falling onto the horses, or off the shoot. This would then cause a horse with the desire to run, left with the only option with their feet so aptly held in the shoot to lean as hard and far as possible to the other side to escape these rough, jerky motions that left the horse with a strong fear and distaste of fences, sudden movement and human contact.
As I played with the thought in my mind, I was aware of how much I dearly love to share and teach, how much I have held back over layers of uncertainty of my rights to be in control of what I can or should be doing with my life. So I rearranged my two barrels that are used to direct a horse in, out, and around them from about six feet from the fence on one side and open on the other. Where this little horse would jump every time he came close to any opening, with a locked, raised neck and the whites of his eyes watching for any and every opportunity to escape, when I recognized he didn’t feel like he had a choice. Even though my hands were light upon the rope as I guided him through, I saw a possible new solution after half an hour with minimal relaxing or even breathing from him, of moving my saddling rail to make a temporary chute to “walk” him through. Get him into a place as small as possible that he could still walk in, walk through, walk out, slowly, then step by step for the next hour I played with him, till I felt him relax, yawn, and let go of the terror of forced enclosure. Aware of the resistance in me to trap myself into fully walking eyes wide open to my fullest dreams of and for me, completely, solidly, comfortably… asking no one if, how, why, or may I.
Amazed at the tension that left both of us about the same time, I just wanted to sit down and bawl, over all of the years of waiting for the support I thought was necessary from outside of me. And yet here it was, my imaginary fears of outside disapproval’s, when it was only me holding me back, trying to protect me from allowing all of me out… to fully live.
I love my life, my horses, my kids, my family, my friends and everything I have ever done or come in contact with. It’s all shaped me, the sharing of episodes and escapades many times helps others see that what they are attempting or afraid of, that someone like me who makes so much of what I do appear easy… has had to wade through the swamps of fears, to climb out on the rocks and logs to find the stream of life always ready to wash us off, cool and refresh us as we float along supported by the Universe in each of ours desires, dreams and passions to be fully uniquely ourselves as we learn, understand and expand to truly live our life to the fullest.
I woke up this morning to find myself with this incredible vibrating, bouncing, awake and very much alive energy from the dreams I had last night, which were brought about by the last few things I was viewing, reading, then talking and texting about. Fully aware of all the questions I have been asking the last few weeks and all of the answers that were now so coming fully into my awareness as I am awakening and discovering the me that has been safe fully ensconced behind the mask of uncertainty which frequently still appears frozen in spots on my face.
Though this morning’s barrage of information I almost could not record as fast as it was pouring out of the now almost fully opened door from my past. The very past I have been accused of running away from, trying to escape, and thoroughly avoiding like the plague of disaster I had felt I was to my family, in my total inability to quietly, easily, and correctly fit in. In my constant tendency to run full tilt into one sometimes painful encounter of “you did what, your grounded” after another. All the time being reminded why can’t you be more like your sisters, the occasional mention of how messy, tom boyish, bullheaded, stubborn, totally unpredictable and “who do you think you are”. To remind me there must be something wrong with me, because no matter how hard I would try… the little “brat” in me would escape and run the havoc of playing horsey, jumping over things in horse fashion, only playing with my sisters if I could bring my horse statues and get dirty.
Even being enrolled in tap and ballet so I could have feminine virtues was an interesting test between the older lady assigned to keep all girls returned to their appropriate classes, if found standing on the toilet seats so not to be discovered and sent back. Before I could make my mad dash up the stairs out to the freedom of the outdoors, then down the block to the library, to be later collected by my mother as I was deep in the fantasy dream world of horses, riding, playing, romping out on the plains, in the mountains, or splashing on the shores of the ocean.
Free to be me. Fully loose, engaged in my desires, happily rambling along for hours after the spanking or groundings of who I was going to be and the things I would accomplish. All brought fully home to the very core of me of the slight chance of impossibility in the latest barrage of others attempt to entice me to fit in to the newest, fastest, easiest, most successful way to make money… lots of it… fast. Just not for me,and I can say this with full confirmation that the Universe has my back.
I have become aware of that it pays for me to notice when things come in threes. There is always some piece of information I have asked for, now being presented for me to understand and do more or less with in my further learning about it. This present third attempt had all of the right words put together to cause me to click on the video…which on this particular site finally played all the way through on the third try. Leading me to another video, with me already on the alert the next move would be a choice of ease or discomfort as it began to reveal itself.
I so love my listening to my inner self, because even before the video opened, the headlines on the page were glowing brightly… Stop, delete, this is not for you! So I quickly closed it all out, deleting the other two possibilities, and high fiving myself for noticing and listening to my body in finding which direction I am to now head.
Suddenly so many questions were being answered in rapid succession, now that I had finally found the key to understanding and listening to “all” of me. I realized the reason the different guys I have dated in the past kept coming up. Why old stories and tales would occasionally make themselves known in situations where I would use them to clarify some point. Why I have had so many memories reappear for me to look at, sort and sift through. All of this was so I could find, recognize, validate and love the parts and pieces of all of these that are the truth of and for me.
I so appreciate my good friend whom I have been sharing this journey of discovery together, as I texted her for about the twentieth time last night with all of this information needing out and to be recorded, even though I knew she had already turned off her phone. I know our greatest gift to each other has been to truly listen to what the other one is saying… without condemnation, correction, or opinion. Being a sounding board for each to hear what they think they are saying, repeating statements the other might not even be aware of is coming out of our mouths, allowing the other to go on any kind of tangent of thought or thoughts. Then connecting back the dots to those things that stands out as being more important to either of us than we are aware of because of the constant references to that subject in some form or fashion.
We all need to be supported. Each and every idea is just a little seed that can take us to innumerable places if it is allowed to be planted, nurtured, and encouraged to grow into something bigger, newer, different, beautiful, imaginative and life giving to not only the person who first planted it, but also to all of those whom it touches and causes them to be amazed or inspired into becoming more of themselves in the process. I so love breathing life into ideas and assisting others to find, recognize and kindle their own ideas from a spark to a full flame. I am a sharer, teacher, lover, listener, and recognizer of the worth in each and every one of us!
Funny how I started this post without actually having any idea what it’s title might become, and at the moment with the still throbbing ache on the tip of my finger the title seems even less important, because I know I am on the trail of the solution to what p.a.i.n.s.(pay attention I need something) me at the present moment. Now that I have cleared the more pressing answers my body had been trying to get my attention about. Kind of like what I have noticed about many things in my life. The loudest, most annoying, the tastiest, slowest, fastest, whatever is in our main line of focus, usually gets our fullest attention.
Especially for me, since I feel and know that is how I best get and receive my guidance from Source through the sensations I notice and do something about. Or ignore until the object becomes too loud or sore to be left unattended, like I have done with both of my two index fingers in the last few weeks. As the one on the right hand at the knuckle only aches occasionally when I get mad at someone else for their causing me to be aware of my neglecting of me when I put them and their opinion first.
Though the left one I have tended in that hmmm, must have a thorn, sticker or splinter in it… it will fester and eventually come out on its own. Except for yesterday when I finally realized the solution to my what felt like a daily pen cleaning ordeal (this morning he cleaned them flawlessly without reading my blog or me saying anything). So I then sat down with tweezers, a needle, a pair of tiny surgical scissors and good light to pull off the hardened calloused spot, and hopefully easily extract whatever laid embedded there.
To find nothing as I probed, squeezed and prodded, except for the story that has been rambling in my head that seems so… just there out of reach. A place I visit occasionally, enjoy for a few moments, play with it, then put it away for more important things. Discovering this morning my finger has had enough of my nonsense and excuses as it annoyingly pointed at me “you’ve dealt with the anger, figured out about other people’s opinions, the need for a fresh start, and all these other roadblocks to your living life for those you know… Now go, write, find your truth, and find this answer that keeps playing with you in your dreams. Leaves whispers in the silence, shows up on emails, opened pages, license plates, and passing signs. Go write, explore, live like you imagine, search the piles of no’s, not acceptable, doesn’t fit, and everybody elses ideas. It really is okay!”
So I came in, sat down, opened emails, laughed and shared on Facebook till I felt a little more relaxed, less pushed, and prodded still unsure what might come out…
It’s been years (no ache from finger) this story so safely tucked away, which I only am allowed to play with in dreams and occasional meditations that I am usually guiltly startled out of. The trail would get warm and inviting as I ventured out upon it, then would speak of my desire for this dream out loud, not aware of the invitation to share was not denied, more just rewound for me to figure out my life long habits of others first. Until I changed and learned it really is okay to be the me that I almost lost, as I seemed to always be running so hard and fast trying to fit who I was supposed to be to others.
My dream had to hide, bury itself deep enough to keep the flame of remembering loving myself and that one amazing year experienced without anyone from my past to walk in with their rendition of who I had been and would always be…according to them. The safety of being completely new with no labels, no expectations, no siblings, family, or acquaintances opinions to be compared to, as I created the me I had fantasized and dreamed about growing up in the big city of San Antonio. Miles away from the country life, horses, cattle and cowboys that so cause my heart to race.
My soul began to fly, my wings to spread as that life sprouted and came to life in and around me. No denying having fun, experiencing anything and everything hundreds of miles from home, up in the big country of Alpine, Texas. I came out of the cage of others expectations as I explored all the nooks and crannies of living out on the land amongst cattlemen, ranchers, and fellow students away from home for the first time learning to experience and find themselves.
Of meeting this one guy, becoming friends, supporters, compadres, card players, and cronies in the crimes of shenanigans that come with freedom from rules and watching eyes. Being introduced to his folks, sharing meals, late nights at the hotel desk with others studying, swapping tales, just being whoever we desired, as we easily parlayed a lot of our shared secret dreams into reality.
Brought to a close, when my parents picked me up at the end of the spring semester and he came up to help load the truck. Clean cut, shaved, nice shirt, jeans, boots, and his brown cowboy hat with the over-sized turkey feather reaching over to introduce himself, before he hefted my book loaded down foot locker into the back of dad’s truck. That look on my parents faces, I was doomed, I had done the worst thing possible… chosen without checking the rules and guidelines laid out for the girls in our family.
My finger’s not aching. The tension in my shoulders that I hadn’t noticed when I started, just went slack, soft. As I realize I’ve been pointing at my own heart, so locked away from losing this piece of the puzzle. The dream inside so many of us which one may not realize may be behind the symptoms in their bodies that mysteriously keep them in pain, sick, hurting or waiting… for them to notice their very own bodies are trying to connect with them to fully be alive, by validating and becoming whatever truly makes their heart sings.
I have had much on my mind the last few days after giving myself permission to have it all. The life I want, that will suit me, because it feels right, easy, takes absolutely no effort to imagine, dream, fantasize, taste, delight, sense, smell and find in my memory, much less have happening and becoming aware of in bright flashes during my day. Some of the memories have come out in unexpected collisions with layers of my old patterns of redirecting my desires in lieu of Pleasing Other People. These thin layers that still try to trap and ensnare me, when I am not aware of how what it is I am thinking is causing me to still start to lean in the direction of others, first.
I remember his smile, the small space in his teeth when he grinned. The ability to talk to me, share, and tolerate my attempt at fixing things when I was given the dire warning of the consequences should my father find out. Which many of us are redirected from our dreams and ideas through the misdirected fears of another’s view of how life will be by our misplaced loyalty should we selfishly choose our self-first. Having overheard “the doctor” tell my father he would be dead in a year if he did not give up his drinking because of all the pills he took for his high blood pressure.
I being young, naïve, impressionable, and so trusting that my mom had every body’s best interest at heart and was truly taking care of the family. It never once entered my head I could survive, I would be okay, the Universe would take care of things. So I walked away, slid under the door of denial and loss to hide myself as far away from my true self as was possible. To turn the lock, hide the key, to do any and almost everything I could to be normal, okay, fit in, like the rest of them. Smiling on the outside, while the whole inside was dark, waiting, hoping.
Well almost. There was a hole, a tiny beam of light that kept calling to me. My sophomore year in college I found a place to keep a horse for a few dollars a month. Bought me a skinny 17 hand mare for $150.00, who within 6 months, I had retrained, slicked up, sold, to slowly started trading, training, and coaching myself out of my closet. Into the land of horses, animals and people found in the world I had read about, collected statues, made tiny pieces of equipment, drew pictures and told stories about since I was tiny.
The same world that kept me going, helped me heal, taught me about freedom, independence and assertiveness, the land of breathing, feeling, sensing, and full awareness to the present. These great wonderful beasts, fully alive in the moment, no real past to consider, or future to construct, just being, eating, living enjoying life and the community of the herd.
Helping me to find the strength to be an assertive, caring, a fully present leader in the dance of life I lead. Which allows me to sense, take in and digest the goings on around me, sometimes learning, re-learning, and unlearning patterns of others that may or may not serve me. Just this awareness I have learned from them, is the key I now find firmly in my hand, to be used each time I come to a place of decision when I feel something that feels off for me.
Last night was an eye-opener in meeting with an old acquaintance, watching the show, catching up on our lives. While I sat there inside my head, aware of for the first time ever that when they talk, I listen. I start to talk, not a word I say is heard. The conversation became this game of cat and mouse as I tried to shift the conversation to some neutral, safe, positive, fun thoughts, about both of our interests. Till I started playing distracter, uncomfortable, glancing at my watch, waiting for it to be over, wanting to run, and so glad when we said our goodbyes to go home.
Came home and happen to glance in the mirror to find a very exhausted wreck looking back at me. Aware I have more sleuthing to do for next time, since I now had very visible signs of how avoiding dealing with some situations is not the answer. Realizing to first figure out how I wish things to be in each moment and situation is definitely healthier, smarter, and a new idea to play with.
To then be rewarded with remembering the album he sent me at college, aware of his scent after they came out of the showers after football practice, his hands as he held mine when we sat on the cliff at retreat. The memory of his eyes looking into mine in understanding that things would be okay, and now almost 40 years later, wondering how to talk to him. How to understand this, is it to just be a way for more healing. It is amazing, it is fun, it is comfortable. What now, just these sudden visions of him mowing my lawn, caring groceries into the house, throwing popcorn at me at the movies, suddenly unexpectedly occurring. I dunno but I know I will figure it out…I always do!
I finished posting my writing last night, just sitting here thinking. Late for me when I glanced at the clock showing 10:35 pm, way past the time of night that I pick up or acknowledge the phone’s relevance in contrast to my love of a good night’s sleep. Just this sense of importance had me reach for the phone and answer it. To find one of my long time client’s, jumping for joy, her husband excitedly interjecting in the background, as she began thanking me for all of my guidance, support, coaching and direction with her Stallion I had started under saddle two years ago. When I was so impressed with his natural ability, at a walk, to slide his hind feet up under himself, I suggested with his looks, ability, and demeanor he needed to be elsewhere.
I had met these two more than three years ago when an article in the local paper featured me, my work with horses, health and EFT. She had been severely injured and lost her nerve to ride in working with the young horses from the Appaloosa herd her and her husband raise. I had helped her work through this in a series of lessons, which led to my re-starting and starting almost all of their herd in the last few years. Toby, their two year old foundation bred Appaloosa stallion, who is gorgeous, was a total uncontrollable brat, in need of a job. When he was finally old enough, and they were comfortable with my abilities, he came to my place for me to assess what to do with him. I discovered his natural tendency to slide, really get up under himself. I knew of several reining trainers in the area, also aware of the prejudice against Appaloosa’s, so I promised them I would call around and get them set up in the right direction.
Called Todd Martin, having had several conversations with him in the past over what he looks for in a prospect, just not sure if he was App friendly. When I told him what I had found, he was interested, so I hooked them all up. My client has allowed the Martin’s to bring this horse along slowly, only showing him a three or four times placing or winning each time to accumulate in winning 65th National Appaloosa Horse Show Hackamore/Snaffle Bit Reining class by six and a half points over the second place horse last night in Oklahoma.
They were so jazzed, seems the trainer and the rider have never won a national before. They had several people come up and offer to buy Toby (VKS THUNDER MOON) for so much more than they ever thought they would turn down. She told me it is the first time a foundation bred horse has won this event, and they all owe it to me, for being so honest, so helpful, so sure this is what they needed to do and where they needed to take him. Better still, she told me of all of her visualizing, what shirt her husband would look good in to show off the blue ribbon, where to hang it, and where she would put the trophy. How she has been telling everyone about me and the work I do. I so love my life, what I do, my ability to trust myself and open my mouth to help those I meet to learn how to fish for themselves, by believing in their dreams and their ability to have them come true!
There is wonderful side effect from all of this
working playing, learning about myself. I love all of the benefits that are starting to show up in so very many wonderful and fun ways. The first is this being to catch what words are coming out either in writing or talking, many times changing them as they are starting to be uttered or typed. As I have learned how to turn my IPhone into my magic helper ever since I discovered the note ap on it. Which allows me to make quick notations of thoughts for writing, for shopping, and to myself when I catch an old expression which I have probably said or used consistently without any awareness, till the moment I actually hear what belief I have so bought into as to be constantly reiterating it out loud.
Allowing myself the ability to hear it, find the past situation that might have created it, find the gift in it, then change it to something different, and let it go. Sometimes with EFT, a lot of times just by checking with myself if that is really true for me anymore, and if I want to continue down that path. A whole lot of stuff has shifted in the last few weeks, as I delved into all of the Freebie tapping’s sent out by Margaret M. Lynch, fascinated by how much hearing something I have done, know about, and understand, presented in a different fashion with such profound results, the differences I have noticed in everything I do.
Now the conversations with my youngest are no longer contest of who’s right or wrong. I have found this new voice that clearly states from a position of assertion what it is I am asking for, what it is I expect, and how all of this can benefit both of us. Monday’s discussion over his getting to visit a friend, if he cleaned the living room, which I walked in to watch, highly amused as he attempted to do the quick and stuff, till he caught me watching and adding things to the list. About the third try, he suddenly seem to realize the list was getting longer because of his antics, once he quit the theatrics and just did the required task, the list shrunk, four rooms got cleaned instead of one. We were laughing, enjoying ourselves, actually teasing back and forth, plus accomplishing keeping it all clean four days later. Suddenly discovering there is a way to play, pick, tease and banter that gets things done, saves time and seems to last longer with a lightness in being a team effort.
The lessons with my students are improving, as I find even simpler ways to show and explain how and why we are asking the horse to be with us. To hold its head curved if we are riding in a circle, and straight if one is going forward. Which even as I type this I am fascinated how totally simple this may sound to a non-rider, as common sense should dictate curve for a circle. Yet most riders, assume because they and the horse are in a circular enclosure that the horse will just follow the walls of the pen, and I then teach them about the connections by using dancing with a partner as an example. Finding the rhythm, timing, and flow of moving together as one team, to be able to find and feel the horse’s feet mimicking your own, the curve of their spine, their hips matching your hips, their shoulders imitating your own. The entire sensation of moving as a well-oiled component in synchronicity with your animal partner, my lesson from this morning totally enjoying her new found connection with the little mare, as she would lift her shoulder, raise her hip, engage her pelvic to bring the horse’s hip under her, matching great big steps. Take a breath, and then little bitty baby steps, completely relax, stop moving and find the horse perfectly in time with her actions and thoughts. Thanking me at the end for allowing her to find the feel of comfort, confidence and ease of moving with an animal she has been waiting to learn how to ride, so she can have one of her own and now accomplishing this desire at 50.
Savoring the feeling of success after this morning’s lessons, horses rode, and turned out with the heat lower at 99. I stopped for a quick lunch of watermelon and cereal, to then settle in for a short nap that took me to wondrous places in dreams that I have not had or at least not remembered in a very long time. My memories of the meditation brought about by the latest tapping sessions, just seemed to spread out before me. I found myself driving on a caliche road that turned off to the left after passing through the front gates, to a small nestled cabin, with a car port, horse pens and a small barn that was situated off to the side on the large property from the original owners for their foreman. It was my new place of residence, after the initial situation of traveling back and forth between the two places to train, coach, teach my clients and his daughters while he was working down near my old place. Which became less probable with the school year beginning and his next few jobs would have him in various parts of the state. The girls wishing to continue in school in the area of his home ranch, which had all the facilities I have desired, to now be at my disposal as their personal trainer and being allowed to continue with a few outside horses…
I woke up with a start! Wow, it was all so vivid, so real. I have not enjoyed a nap, an adventure, a more powerful provoking dream. A place for my imagination to flow so immensely and all of it so adding to the original memory, with interesting twists, tweaks, and turns that allowed me to revel in these enormous, wonderful, and intriguing possibilities. And to think, sometimes I would get so dog determined to have to have specific criteria, when the last thing I remember reading was to just get general, have an idea and let the Universe fill in the “How’s”. I think I will go watch a chick flick, something fun, enticing, and wickedly inviting. Maybe tap one more time on the few oddities that popped up when I first attempted to write about this, and then the movie. Yep, seems like a plan!
Seems like such a simple dream, idea, request… simmering in the back of my mind for oh so many years. Tons of words written about and toward it, in poetry, prose and random scribbles, sometimes with lines drawn through them, for fear of… being found out, ridiculed, subject to scrutiny, the what are you thinking, or having to explain why. Why, what a huge word coming from another, such a form of checkmate, stop, re-consider the entire world, those close and those who just pass through. Years of this oh so determined yearning, for this memory that always has called me forward. With clues found in movies, books, random dreams of recalling a past event, or person who once again stirs this deep, long soup of “What If”! Brought even more to the table in this last year, as most of the dreams, visualizations, and memories have shifted, become clearer, more intense. Jostling my footsteps back to person who so touched my life, as to leave remarkable sensations just as vivid as if he were in the room with me. Last year he found me in March, showing up for quick virtual reality amusing visits at the most unusual times. Causing me to laugh, grin, and have fun in these make believe moments of him right there in my presence lightly teasing, toying, and talking to me. To abruptly disappear in August as another came to try their luck at luring me to a place I thought I could do. Just thankfully I pulled up when the air became too thick to breathe. Amazed at how a quick prayer to the Universe, found me with a text message several hours later detailing his decision to move on… unless I wanted to talk. I sighed hugely in relief, and said no, wish you well, then quietly went back to sorting and figuring me out. Months of sifting, writing, sharing, honing my skills of asking, finding, and sort of following the guidance that is always there, just I sometimes am so human when I miss the cue, because of being still stuck in others opinions of what I do. The last few days have netted me an interesting trickle of money, a few fives, couple of tens, twenty-five, and the other day guided to look down as we are trotting down the road. To espy a single dollar bill, stopped to pick it up, aware there was a larger meaning to this trail, to do with a question I had asked this last week. Netted me the gold of an answer I have been queuing up for these last two months as he has once again been invading my virtual reality. Being told by another to trust myself, to trust what feels good for me, to trust “things always work out for me”. Tonight’s movie, the very theme about my desire, tantalizing just inches away on the big screen, I am enthralled with the Universe showing me “he is coming”. I hurry to return the movie, green lights the whole way there and back, to have a hawk, at dusk, fly superbly over my windshield, just appearing, wings fully spread, allowing me to see his dark supple form before quickly disappearing from view. I breathe in deeply; feel the fullness of the thought just moments before this winged messenger’s appearance. It is my desire, my dream, it is okay to trust, to believe, to imagine…. JCJ