These last few weeks have found me deep in thought as I have been working through the seeming complexities of my son’s horse Freckles, writing and publishing my first book on line. All of these things are so amazingly similar and easy to understand as I now find myself on the other side of the one of the biggest puzzles of life. As I remember the wonderful, soft, attentive ride from a little while ago on a horse that I have done everything I could think of or was suggested that sounded right to me from others, with some small steady inroads into his behavior. Just never enough to get him to be safe for me much less anyone else because of his extreme responsive and explosive reactions to any and all stimuli, so deeply ingrained into almost every moment of existence.
Two days ago I woke up from an interesting dream about zombies, after watching one of the ads I saw on FB about some child asking their mom if whatever the product was would work on zombies. Finding myself while in the dream aware of these for rent horses at some stable and how much they act like zombies. By just going through the motions unless something truly gets their attention in a startling way where they tend to react to get away far enough to look at what woke them from their absentminded sleep of following the horse in front of them.
Puzzled at what my inner voice was trying to communicate to me. I found myself in a deeper place of awareness with any and all moves I or any of the horses made toward each other. To suddenly find myself watching how intently Freckles was trained on my every movement. He was literally locked into a trance of habitually reacting with even the slightest stiff, hesitant movement of my body when I stepped into his zombie zone. A place characterized by habitual without thought response to an ongoing situation one deal’s with in their lives with the defeated expectation of the same reaction they have always gotten before.
I touched, I watched, I made my actions smaller, I breathed as I watched his eye come unfrozen, then he would retreat back deep inside as his eye darted back away from the impending doom. I was so fascinated that a memory from over seven years ago with all of the time I have spent with him, could still be so deeply controlling so many of his reactions. His sense of loss of comfort and safety when even loosely tied was still traumatizing him.
I spent well over two hours slowly, carefully, untangling all of the cross wiring I had excess to, as I became aware of my total effort of watching, breathing, shifting, and rewarding without taking my concentration off of him, right here and right now. To find a much softer horse who after much yawning reached over, licking my hand, and actually touching me first.
I then unsaddled him, washed him off and turned him loose. Fully determined to finish the steps in self-publishing my first book “Finding the Feel” Tales of Learning How to Communicate with Horses at Smashwords.com where I had to pay attention to every little step, every little detail so that it was done right the first time, where then I could relax, take a break and celebrate my success of putting all the pieces together of something I have been intending to do for quite some time. All the while, even as I was learning the new steps to becoming a published writer, the little horse and his determined survival mode kept lingering in the back of my mind.
To then find myself last night after reading my book that I had also uploaded to Amazon with some typo’s and possible sentence changes that would make it easier for the reader to understand and utilize. I went to Smashwords followed the instructions, re-did the changes and within an hour or so had my book re-submitted and in the cue. As I then went to Amazon to accomplish the same task, where I found a whole series of computer technology and directions I just did not understand or could implicate. Finding me at 1 pm tired, a little frustrated, but determined I could figure this out. I could get this accomplished. It could not be that hard I thought to myself as I dozed off.
Discovering no answers as I awoke, fed, showered and headed out for my first important lesson of the day, where as the conversation between her and me flowed, I became aware of how important the differences between learning, understanding, watching, doing and feeling are, and why so much of what any of us do is in a more zombie mode. So much of what we do is because we are expected or told that is the only way it can or should be done. Kind of mindlessly going through the motions, finding minutes, hours, and even days have gone past without us fully aware much less alive going forward as we get caught up in the stories of the others all around us instead of creating each moment anew.
Like little kids do being fascinated with every little thing when they find it and bring it to us for us to observe and find their excitement and wonder to draw us in to really see a butterfly, flower or even a little bug in a totally new way.
Watching is observation as when it attracts, excites or truly holds our interest…nothing can easily distract us from it because we are so deep in fascination or amazement of watching something being done or doing something that feels too good to do anything but thoroughly enjoy it.
Learning is repeating till we get the move, the idea, or the belief firmly established as a non-thought reaction or response.
Understanding is the ability to be comfortable with explaining, teaching, demonstrating or doing it.
Feeling is the sensory reaction to stimuli by any of our main five senses: Taste, touch, hearing, seeing, or smelling.
My learning and new understanding in helping Freckles and myself out, is how much of both of our lives have been controlled by our innate habitual reaction to any uncomfortable stimulus. Caused by being convinced by others to having no faith or trust in ourselves. No thought or idea of maybe there is another way to do something than the way all of these people are telling or trying to make us believe is the way for us.
We are zombies: per Wikipedia “A zombie (Haitian Creole: zonbi; North Mbundu: nzumbe) is an animated corpse raised by magical means, such as witchcraft. The term is often figuratively applied to describe a hypnotized person bereft of consciousness and self-awareness, yet ambulant and able to respond to surrounding stimuli.
We have stopped living consciously and fully aware in each moment. We allow people, animals and things to come, barge, run, call, email or advertise us in to a state of discomfort to get us off-track of our own inner guidance, to follow along with their train of thoughts.
When it dawned on me as I was asking for Freckles nose this morning as I first touched the rope before loosening it… I watched his every movement, as aware of him as he was of me. I felt for his recognizing I was fully present, now, with him, he breathed, I breathed, and for the next 20 minutes I was fully engaged, fully aware, fully alive. No tomorrow, no stuff from yesterday or even a few minutes ago. Meeting myself and him on the totally new ground of NOW, the present, a gift each one of us can give to ourselves each and every moment of the day!
The stuff I hear, feel and sense before and as it happens. As I have been chasing, scaring, and startling people for years… with the words that just pop out of my mouth of exactly what another is thinking, desiring or experiencing. Being able to answer a question that hasn’t been asked or replying to an email almost seconds after it has been sent. Tuning in so vividly to another as to pick up the phone when they call, return a text, give the next answer in a game, almost a whirling dervish as I seem to appear out of the ether’s with the appropriate item, or reply. Wandering up to diagnose an animal, before someone even knew or asked what’s wrong as they looked strangely at me with my forth coming answer, and then they would quickly walk away looking at me crazily. To then come back days, weeks even months later, asking “how did you know?”
Struggling to fit in, to make some sense out of what I thought anyone could do. Slowly withdrawing further and further into my personal lair of safety, as the criticism caused me to find solace in my solitude with the animals. Till the curtain dropped again and again and then again, forcing me to either quit completely and buy into what the world was selling of how I should be… but the ringing sounds and sensations wouldn’t give way to the medication and prescribed treatment from examinations by those so book learn-ed as the male doctor who told me about my giving birth…
His description was textbook perfect; I was not due for another month. He had plans for the weekend, he would see me the next Monday and then we would talk. I told him he would miss it, for I “knew” my son would be born that Saturday. I was right, I was tapped in to life in a way I am now still learning is okay as I find my way back to what use to annoy others, yet it was the way I experienced each and every moment.
The “curse” of telling others what they prescribed was not the truth, at least not for me. This came home so solidly when I gave up on medicine and went to the horses to help heal me, after I struggled with medication and exercises that I was told “yes” the side effects might make me sicker before I was better, but it was necessary. Thanks, but no thanks… I chose instead the hour and a half decision to walk 80 ft, saddle my horse, leaning on and using him to get to the round pen, to then maneuver my way to throw myself up and off the other side. The whole while my horse stood there patiently waiting, as I finally struggled aboard and asked him to help show me what I needed to do.
To go from crippled with vertigo, barely mobile, half of my face paralyzed unresponsive… to first riding 3 horses in three weeks, to 5 or more horses daily with two to three lesson a day, each day feeling and looking better, more comfortable, more confident, healthier, physically, mentally and spiritually. To now almost 6 years later, amazed by what I have unlearned, re-thought and re-discovered I actually really did know all along, I just hid it away or disowned it in my attempt to not be so weird, different, and strange.
Funny how far we can try to run away, not realizing we are carrying ourselves with us no matter where we go. I appreciate everything I have been through. That I had to get to the middle of the tangle of my life to find a new, better, way to the truth of what beats at the heart of me.
Since this last weekend the awareness and sensing has gotten stronger, easier to tap into… there is only just a little uneasiness left. Which as I write these words I find I am still judging me, as I watch each word in each sentence appear… I am just not stopping, editing or changing, as I let myself flow out onto the page. I am alive, I am worthy, I matter to myself so much more than the noise of the world use to be able to talk me out of. I am here; I am unique, different, real and so connecting to all of the hidden closed off parts of me so long denied. I R Friske, I R Fantastic, I R am becoming more and more truly alive every day, as I find the truth for me in every moment, by feeling for how good it feels to be honestly me. I needed to learn to honor my feelings for me… FIRST!
This post has been over a month in the manifestation of due to my previous inability to start on this tale to suddenly finding a total other story making its way on the page in front of me. Allowing me to slowly, deliberately, sense for the feeling of am I there yet? With the answer coming from my gut in a resounding no, not yet, not even close enough to feel comfortable in sharing with myself, much less the world, these mysterious ways that words can enslave us.
Though never is the actual fault found in the word itself, in the way it is spelled or in the way the word is used. I have discovered that the problem for me is more of how “I” understand what I think is being said, by my interpretation from previous experiences, the inflections of my listening, where I am at when being told and how I feel about the person or source of information. Perfectly shown to me by my recent client in a discussion over a show I had gone to watch about dock dogs and she piped in how she had the book from the author of “Doc Dogs” at home. I asked what the specialized training might be for the dogs. She looked at me puzzled, as she explained it was probably whatever illness the vet was working on at the time. Where I realized there was a miscommunication, explained the set up for the show with the large swimming pool, and she laughed to add that her book was from a vet’s years of practice. Same sounding word, two totally contrasting stories, and understandings.
Allowing me to know I was on the right track in the clean-up work I have been doing. There are so many words over the years that I have been discovering have hidden agendas, prejudices, reactions, and I have uncomfortable feelings toward. Yet they are just words that somebody used or taught meant only whatever connotation was allowed or important at that time. I have been fascinated with how very stuck in my craw and scary an old adage had become as I lovingly started feeling in my gut first for the matching thought in my head. Becoming more and more aware of what an awesome student I was from whoever held my attention long enough to get me to buy whatever they were selling, because they were bigger, older, more demanding or authoritive than me. The control of my life giving or taken away at times…because someone else said it was right. Growing up in an age of not being allowed to question what others were saying because they loved us and knew what was best for us, because that was what was taught and expected of them.
I am aware of how strong those teachings were as I continue to relearn, reeducate myself in dealing with others in a more understanding fashion, as I am slowly teaching myself to breathe first. Then feel how the thought in my head feels, comfortable, or uncomfortable. Slowing down to feel and choose the most comfortable has proven to be changing my life, though it has caused me to be aware of how much of my life use to be lived on autopilot. Doing any and everything on a list someone else would give me. Running like a squirrel stuck on a wheel, completing, checking, adjusting, moving, looking for a hint of approval, and then adding whatever else was expected to the list when no approval was forth coming.
To find in the last few weeks, tons of improvements showing up everywhere here… yet I felt this uneasiness when I would notice what wasn’t done. So I would revamp my list, get several things humming along, feel the discomfort, add more to the list… round and round as the wheel began to get faster again… Till luckily this morning’s lesson was having trouble with her horse getting totally into her space, and as I was explaining a third way to deal with it… I heard myself tell her “she was pulling the horse in by micro-managing the lead rope” giving the horse no ability to choose where it could or couldn’t go.
Eureka… I knew that answer was meant for me. I have been “trying” to micro-manage the Universe, my son, my animals, yes even trying to manage the wicked wind that I finally surrendered to and took my sign down to get it mounted to a good solid base, instead of the flimsy one I have been getting by with. But it is all okay. It is perfect. Without all of these “problems” I have no idea how long I would have continued before I figure out this pattern of having to be right, correct or perfect. Instead of just being… alive, moving, changing, adapting, discovering and creating a more enjoyable and comfortable me to live with, my way, my choices, my ideas, my comfortable, breathing, feeling, sensing self…Sigh!!
This last week has been roller coaster of bends, turns, with ups and downs as I have maneuvered the path of learning to understand where I have been so stuck. Having so many of the answers handed to me by my students and my horses. As I have been slowly and carefully extracting myself from the flimsy layers of the taught behaviors that have been holding the lowest levels glued so tightly together, as I decidedly now choose which thought to pursue. With the wonderful simple examples set by the horses I played with this week when I ask any of them to do something. They always choose to do things by breathing, being aware, feeling for the choice that allows them to be comfortable. I know it is okay with them, when they look at me, breathe me in, and sigh. Any other reaction shows by them looking away, their body is tense, sometimes they roll their eyes, and hold their breath being able to so minutely breathe they almost seem to be holding their breath in a rock solid, so braced against my asking to quickly for them to grasp or understand.
In the fleeting moment of asking my long standing Appaloosa recover, I note when he freezes, stiffens up to me when I am even a little bit too rushed for him. Knowing it stems from whatever caused the hole in his skull one can still feel on his forehead. I marvel at his willingness to tolerate me and any new ideas I bring to further educate him in working with more people than just me. There is no thought to his reactions… I know they are just his instincts kicking in, so related to the first five years of his life… before me. I understand in working with my lady clients of the week, whenever I am explaining and sometimes re-explaining a previous lesson that they understood previously to mean one or two words out of the entire lesson of the week before.
They tense up, stop breathing, focus real hard on each word I am saying and I watch the fear of being wrong, having made a mistake or probably screwing up their poor horse. I then first get them to breathe, secondly explain whatever the last lesson was in an entirely different format. Add to that the things they are doing right, and then remind them that thinking about something new is hard when you have all this prior learning experiences from others telling you what you should do, what any words ought to mean, then watching me easily perform the task intuitively, and then trying to do it too.
Thinking is such hard work when learning and doing something new. One stops breathing, tries to do all of the steps at once, bodies get contorted, the horse patiently mimicking what the bodies on them are asking. Everything is all knotted up, going slowly, almost painfully forward… Till I tease, or throw some way out story, take odd strained poses as them or their horse and remind them how far they have come, what they are doing right, there is so many tiny steps in each new thing and they are trying to do it all of it perfectly right from the start.
Slow down. Feel for how you would make that move without the horse. Relax, feel the side of your body that it is easy to do it with. Compare what that side is doing that the other is not. Forget about me… I am just the radio, just this voice. I am not watching, judging, comparing or beating up on you for not being me or right. This is supposed to be fun. Wiggle your tailbone, wiggle your toes, find a way to let go. Just be. Sit with the horse… Oh my gosh “Look”, now your horse is relaxing. The animal has no idea you are worried about how you fit on him. He has been all tensed up over whatever it is you see that he does not. You’re the boss. You’re the one who is supposed to be comfortably making the decisions for both of you. You’re not comfortable, so something out there must be dangerous.
I am aware of the tension from the imagined eyes of long ago…waiting, watching, judging, and having such high expectations for another to live up to… This week I have learned to watch my thoughts. It took slowing down, breaking each thought into does this hold true today, does it make me feel better or worse. Who is it that is holding my body prisoner, making me act or behave like this voice in my head? Oh it’s my own voice, I tell it thank you. Then choose otherwise. I became aware of there really are four parts of me. who have been trying to communicate with me. One is my physical that is ever present in getting my attention by how it feels, comfortable or a little uncomfortable, unless I ignore the first signs, then the discomfort becomes bigger. Two is my emotional…all of these thoughts that I have learned to notice. If they are fast, rapid and uncomfortable…it’s my ego. The third part of me my spirit which is this sense of being guided or led. Healthy, comfortable, calm and confident, it’s the real me. Constantly changing, noticing, adapting, and becoming more and more every day.
And the fourth part is my connection,and awareness of Source, the Universe, God. Always patient, all loving, always unconditional, always waiting for me when I get lost, discouraged, or trapped by the habits and understandings taught and shared to me by well meaning others in the myriad of the million thoughts in my head . Who experienced the same things I learned so well, they were told it was right and only way.They did not know or have the desire to be much more or otherwise… I choose to be all I can be. I choose to blaze my own unique trail by trusting and honoring the things that feel comfortable to and for me.
I stopped myself this evening from reading any of my other emails after reading the blog of “Astrology Mon Ami” on Word Press as I felt the feelings come together to help me to finish sorting through this last week of truly feeling and knowing things are about to happen. Though this is helpful because it allows me to prepare for the events that then follow… It is a whole lot to wrap my mind around, and be fully okay with.
Last Sunday I felt the urge to go see a long standing cowboy friend of mine, to show him my new truck and just have a general friendly talk. As I pulled into his place I found it rather quiet, not like the usual quiet that occurs when one visits and the owner is absent. This was more of a blanket of calm, awaiting silence before the next page is turned. Feeling myself destined for another time for this meeting, I drove on back home, to find images of him frequenting my mind. With such urgings I went to call him and discovered when my phone had updated the other day… his number had been lost.
Not one to easily be thwarted when there were such internal urgings. I chose to go on Facebook and connect with him there, where when I went on line a mutual acquaintance connected with me about there was being a benefit for this cowboy who was now in the hospital. When I asked what was up, she gave me the news, he had been having problems and they were running tests that he needed prayers and which hospital he was in. So by Wednesday night I made plans to go the following evening to see him, going to bed that night with my next day fully planned out how to get done with my stuff early with plenty of time to visit with him.
Thursday morning found me deep in a dream where I was visiting him and he was telling me how well I was doing as a trainer, coach and teacher. Plus what a great ability I had in healing that I needed to be more confident about. I woke up feeling really positive about the dream and our visit later that day. Went to work, all things just flowing together, everyone on time, ease of traffic, checked my bus back in and hurried home to get my chores and horses tended to. When to my shock the phone rang and a friend was calling to tell me the cowboy had passed away earlier that morning…
I sat with the remembrance of his last visit, the dream and the reality of now. There was no sadness, I knew him well enough to know he truly loved living life. He would be the type to go quickly, get on with whatever the next thing would be. Just the rest of the day I kept feeling his energy as I would ask for things with whatever horse I was on and felt this encouraging sense of what would make it better or easier. Then the getting in touch with those I knew who would appreciate knowing when and where the services were.
To then find my newest filly in training limping, holding her leg yesterday morning, which found me wrapping it with magnets and turning her into a bigger pen so she could have more space to move about since standing still was causing it to swell and movement is life. As I came home last night to check on her, I find my old dog has done something to his back paw. I get him to sit down while I investigate it and find the last outside pad hot and tender to the touch, with him nudging my inquiring hand away. In finding nothing bleeding, no definite sight of an intrusive injury, I set up his heat lamp, fix him up comfortable, feed all the critters and go to bed.
To wake up this morning to a cool, soft gray, comfortable foggy morning, and as I walk out to feed, my old dog is now dragging that same paw. I hurry up and check him, then quickly feed the horses and the dogs. With him just sitting there waiting on me with these really sad, tired eyes. So I sit, I talk to him, I have this long, loving reassuring (to me and to him) conversation of how great our almost 10 years have been. How awesome a coyote defender he has been and what a wonderful job of being my best friend and guardian he has done. If it is his time to go, I understand, if not help me to know what to do next. He lays there for a while, big soft eyes searching mine, then he sighs, gets up, moves over, turns around, lays down and sighs again like all of this is just so much more than he can help with.
I leave him to go get my coffee, breakfast and periodically check on him, to find he has moved around several times. Once to lay looking out at the pens, then in the direction of the other dogs and the last time I look out he is laying on his big old paws looking at the house. I ask my youngest as he walks out the door to go check on him, as I don’t see him even wiggle an ear when the door opens. Even before he touches him I know, Michael is gone…
Wow, in a week, all these sensing, knowing, advance information. Two longtime friends, both massively in love with living life to the fullest, neither one the type to slow, down and just wait to get old. I get it. I know life is about living, it is about moving forward, loving with all we have and that means enough to let them go… however, wherever and whenever they choose. I appreciate my ability to sense things, really I do, I am just so very aware of all that I have learned about how I can choose at each moment to love what is going on and understand it… because even in death it is what is…LIFE!
Quietly, slowly, listening to the directions of my body as my mind still occasionally tries to go on these varied tangents of thoughts that rapidly fill my head when things happen in ways I did not expect or anticipate. I find that as of late, even when I start to fill angry or frustrated it always seems to come from my mind first. As I become fascinated with the oh so different response found in my body or gut, which indicates that it really is a matter of choice as to how I react now to any situation. Case in point this last week in maneuvering through the steps to owning and finalizing all transactions of my choosing to buy a used vehicle. I find the teachings I need most are easily laid out before me to notice and do something with or just wait and the lessons are repeated in much louder and more obvious ways.
My truck was taken back to the main dealership on Wednesday for the seven items on the list to be repaired and tended to. So I was wonderfully excited to be able to inspect the final results yesterday and have today with my check list drive. Finding myself after thanking them for having it back before this weekend, I jumped in after a quick run through of the items on the list. Fire it up, pull out onto the main road where as I get comfortably into the stream of traffic, my eye catches a missing piece of interior paneling next to the left front windshield. It was so broken and obvious I almost doubted that maybe I missed that before, when my glance in the side mirror to change lanes and turn around to go back, spots even more damage on the other frame, to find myself thinking “okay there is a lesson here” as I pull back into the dealership and the salesman comes out to find out about my quick return. As I explain and then we slowly go through the entire checklist and find there are still two things that were not completely done though have been checked off as repaired, to now after this weekend and his calling the owner about the new problem be attended to.
I continue on my way knowing things will be just fine. Finishing the evening with no other incidents and in a relatively confidant frame of mind. To go treat myself to scrumptious meal and wonderful root beer float to start the celebration of my trip forward into my new life of self-declared freedom, making plans with my youngest for an early breakfast and road trip to San Antonio to fully test out the mechanical repairs with the longer distance.
The truck ran so much better than before, now with a fully functional blower for both the ac and the heat as we maneuvered into the parking space for a simple breakfast before going into the adjoining supermarket. Where to my surprise as we opened the back doors to put in the groceries we found the missing broken pieces stuffed under the seat. When in pulling them out from the back caused me to glance up and discover the hole broken into the bottom of the dashboard, causing the total damage from repair of one simple fan switch and temperature adjustment to become a definite sign from the Universe that none of this existed before I had it repaired, and I still need to slow down and feel each baby step of walking this new talk.
I like how I got confirmation for the doubts I had in my mind over “did I not notice” where my gut all along kept urging assertion in finishing this feeling and owning my empowerment lesson. The salesman has been fantastic; I know all of this will work out. I love the understanding and knowledge I have gained in my new ability to find what is right, have the Universe align the steps to change or fix the other things to the benefit of all. Plus the guidance to trust my body in each step by feeling for the right solutions, ideas and directions to turn, as it gets easier as I feel what I am thinking, verses struggling for just the right thought.
All this aggravation about being told what to do, almost at will from various people with different ideas of how I “should” be spending my time, what I need, and how I am to go about it. At the same time I have been catching myself in my attempt to get away from this nagging feeling of restlessness after accomplishing several other things as I again, sit at the computer trying to win the same level for the last week or so. Accompanied by old voices in my head raining down on my playing a game instead of doing something much more productive, “times a wasting” there has to be something else I could be doing. All of this self-talk about being unproductive, which truly makes me conscious of my extreme work ethic, caused by the chorus of old critics in my head that now has become extremely loud and apparent with the clearing off of another few layers of habits.
“Enough, enough, enough” I rally at the stand I have to take with myself. I was so hoping for a slow, easy, leisurely weekend that started off so well last night with getting the tree up, lights on, two-thirds of the way decorated after I made new wreaths for the front gate and the door to the office. Still in a blush over the wonderful remarks from the man in the checkout counter who had mistook me for being much younger from my bustling about the store as I gathered the materials to finish the Christmas preparations. It may have been just a flirting way to get acquainted, but it was so nice to hear a truly Southern Mississippi drawl this far south in Texas, and he definitely made my night.
So to wake up to an argument going on within myself, over what I was responsible to do today and the rest of my weekend, just so set the tone for this frustrating, stubborn lack of movement I was so experiencing. The softness and feel with the horses has become so much of a revelation of how one should ask, wait, listen, and then respond. Making me more and more aware of how when I was growing up, we were told what to do. Expected to be seen and not heard. Not asked for permission, just given ultimatums and the consequences if we failed to follow suit. Noting even when I speak to my youngest, I can feel myself flinch and change in mid-sentence if I feel I am demanding first. Not asking in a simple format for what it is I might need assistance with.
This even doubly so after the site I had thought I lucked into for more readers of blogs like mine. Till I got the 3 days of avalanches of unsolicited emails about everything that is offered or written by others on that blog, as I found my email box crammed with over 15 to 25 hits a day. The good news is I have suddenly become aware of the latest trend of sharing my address for purchasing some service and now they solicit me for all of their fantastic, must listen to friends. To find myself almost screaming inside “Your not the boss of me,” I get to choose and I know how to say no or push the spam key.
All of this speaking wonders about what a doormat I use to be. How much I thought behaving by being nice, taking care of, saving or putting out everyone else s imagined forest fires of drama put me so far in the back of the line. I couldn’t hear myself yelling at the top of my lungs “It’s okay, they all can really take care of themselves” Guidance is about giving directions, setting examples, showing how well you can take care of yourself, then giving them the ideas of tools they might use to fix things for themselves.
Wow, being back in charge when you’ve always given that power away. This is a whole new dance, but I suspect I am so up to it, and so freaking deserving…It is about time.
What an interesting way to become aware of the subtle shifts going on within me, as I become more conscious of my feeling for each thought I think. This morning being an incredible awakening to my own and other people’s power to create exactly whatever reality they are living, as my alarm on my phone went off from some place different, further away than my night stand next to my bed. I lay there listening to it, knowing it was telling me it’s time to get up, its 7, there is so much to do… But I didn’t care; I was so comfortable all snug in my soft, fuzzy blankets, cuddled up to my super fluffy stuffed donkey. I just wanted to soak up the good feeling warmth, close my eyes and enjoy comfort. Allow the morning to find me later, as the noisy ringer drilled, then faded to silence as I lay there thinking of yesterday’s incredible last minute call to bring a horse that they finally decided, I was the best choice and did I have an opening.
They arrived exactly 2 hours after they called. Accompanied by one of my former students, her husband, little boy, and two horses, the one to be sorted out in the next month of training, with the other to be evaluated for possible training in the future. As the first horse was unloaded I became focused on how tight, tense, and nervous he was as it was quickly accentuated by the handler, trying to control the horse the best way he knew how. I walked up, asked for the halter, and started my dance of handling the horse, while explaining as quickly as I could my maintaining a soft, asking feel on the lead rope, with my full attention riveted on the horse in a calm, assertive, it is okay demeanor. This was rewarded within about 10 minutes with a big sigh from the animal, a softening of his eyes, as I maneuvered him, from dancing about head held high, till he was softly being led past the new sights of my place, and into his temporary pen.
I then asked all the necessary questions as the paperwork was being filled out. To then turn my attention to horse number two, doing a full body, agility, and in hand, under saddle, walking and talking both to the horse and my audience as I explained what I found and how their untrained eyes could find signs in future horses as to when things may not be as completely comfortable for the horse to do, by watching their feet, their eyes, the ability to move with simple suggestions by the handler which a soft, supple, relaxed mount can accomplish easily.
As I came to the tail end of the demonstration I became aware of the dynamics of the energy of the group, aware of the subtle play of a power struggle going on, that just swayed me into that feeling of needing to protect another. Thankfully about then the little boy, made a bee line for the house, with the mother running after. Causing the situation to right itself, as payment was made, final questions were answered, and they loaded up with a promise from me to call with the remaining horse’s progress by next weeks end. Which as I lay there, mulling this over in my mind. I suddenly became aware of several incidents this last week where I considered stepping in to help another, even though they didn’t actually ask. It was more of the body language of a wounded, save me, I am helpless look, that caused me to stop and reconsider how both situations have been going on for a while. With lots of stories of “whoa is me, I don’t know what to do, it is so rough” etc….
I got up with these thoughts running through my mind, to fix coffee, breakfast, and clean the kitchen. As my youngest came through, in a hurry, to make the parade with his welding class, explaining as he walked out the door about how he would eat when he got there. I just continued on with my weekend chores, took a shower, and after about 3 hours was started with the new horse. When my son came back, wanted to know why I didn’t fix and leave him left overs and when was I coming in to fix lunch.
And it hit me! He and she and all of us, we create are realities. We can choose to be bumpkins, dumpkins, put upons, rescuers, life savers, rich or poor. And I would so serve my fellowman better if I would see each and every one as capable of all of their strengths, abilities, and intuitions to have any and every thing they choose. Because it is always a choice! My choice right now is to apologize to each and every person I have ever not seen as totally completely capable of choosing their thoughts, to say yes or no to any situation. Just many do it unconsciously, not taking the time to really, truly slow down, breathe, look around, see or listen to what they are saying. It is my job to see each and every one of them as powerful creators. Capable of shining or not shining their own light brightly as children of God. Wonderful, capable, lovable, shining images of the Universe in all of their own unique characteristics, thoughts, colors, creeds, and livelihoods that make up this awesome world we all live in. It’s the contrast that causes us to realize we can choose…more, less, nothing, or it all. So simple.
There was a saying I remember about “Curiosity killed the cat… and satisfaction brought it back!” My cat like tendencies are to sit, watch and wait for the appropriate response. From my life of studying nuances that are physical, mental and spiritual in aiding the animals and people who come to me. I am so granted a view of the myriad of pieces that compose the puzzle of knots (not’s) that are in need of untangling, unraveling, and untying from periods of stress, overexertion, and plain old misunderstanding in communication from two distinctly different forms of life.
The human being looks at life from a constant flow of information from the past, present, and future who many times has been taught to depend upon others for sustenance, housing, love and approval to belong. Animals live in the moment, depending upon instincts to allow them to live, eat, breathe, drink and survive in their ability to just be alive. The biggest difference I have come to recognize and willing learning more about on a daily basis, is their ability to think and feel successfully to tune in to the necessary response in most any given situation. There is no rationalizing it out, thinking it through, wondering how it will effect tomorrow, how in the world some ancestor did it a long time ago, or does it matter to some other animal. It is about them choosing what is good or bad the outcome to live or die.
This today has brought me much relief in finding out a perfect feeling answer to the recent slew of visitations from a man from my past in my memory, when I had the realizations this morning “I feel, I love, I am alive”! Seems in the last few years of healing, digging through and unearthing all of the layers of me that erupted into that one single moment when my body had had enough. I have healed almost 100% physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It is those last little fragments of understanding about thinking and feeling that have kept me searching for an answer of ease, simplicity, playfulness, the ability to relax and truly enjoy this new way of life I have been exploring and expanding into the whole of who I am, now.
When this morning I felt the answer as I was fixing myself some coffee in the early hours before I walked out to feed and meet the day. I thought how I would like my coffee as I felt the taste sensation vibrate across my palate of a certain amount of cream, sugar and then topped off with just the right blend of coffee. I had my answer the minute I opened the old can of coffee to mix the two or so remaining scoops into the new one. As I tasted the bitterness in the air, aware of now needing to thoroughly blend it into the entire can, wondering how much time I was using in all of this saving a few cents. Thoroughly amused at my ability to think a thought to feel the air for the bitterness of reaction from my senses and my sudden arrival of pleasure with a simple answer to all of my confusion over this remembered love.
I can feel! I can remember someone who loved me unconditionally as I did him! There were no rules, no one else’s opinion mattered, until I chose to trust someone else knew more about what was right for me than me. I had “given” my rights away because I never once thought I might deserve otherwise. I had such a reputation as “the goat, Cathy did it, and now what” all of this attention and responsibility to dance as fast as I could trying to stay away from the spotlight… so “they” (whoever they were) could be happy.
His sudden reappearance last year and now, have been all about having fun with myself and another no matter what. I was doing it safely in my mind at first, then out loud when I told a friend or two. Then finally outrageously as I admitted it out openly. I Can Feel! Now with learning to slow down and feel, really feel how each and every thought, word or movement feels. I can create good or bad. I have enough sense to know if it is pouring down muggy drippy rain, to go inside, get dry, change and do something else.
This has all been a lesson from my higher self to slow down, think, really feel, pay attention, and then, only then when it feels good do it. Unsure…wait, feels bad…duh, do something else, anything else that feels better. I so love myself for my willingness to experience it all, play the game, allow for the answers, figure things out. I am fantastic, life is good… and there is always more as I consciously live fully in each moment I can create and set the mood by choosing how to feel about it!