For such a long, long time I have been trying to get clearer on this sense or feeling that is always compelling me, inviting me, enticing me to move, breathe, and take one more step toward this dream, goal, or ideal that has been with me as long as I can remember. Urging me to go a little further, wait a little bit longer, dig a little deeper, find one more place of release from the prison around my heart that I was made aware of just a few days ago in my constant awareness to God guiding me back to me when I had this last Sunday to remember…
Calm, easy, even a little over cast as I finished up my reconstruction of my saddling area with newer, bigger shades of 12 X 18 and then taking the smaller old one to erect over the dogs enclosure. Fascinated with my life as I have learned to slow down, and play my way forward. Which means I have learned to not get in a hurry, ask for things in my mind and have the Universe surprise me with the answers usually within moments after I let go of the thought.
Like the one that caused me to wander into the house after the last rope was re-strung and re-placed, to go to Facebook perusing for a quick smile from any of the sources I am connected to that share positive and uplifting posts. When I clicked on one video of a man wonderfully playing a guitar in an unusual fashion, even though I enjoyed the music, I found my eye wandering to the comments on the side to see one light up. Urging me to read it about someone playing a guitar the same way in the movie “August Rush”, which I promptly looked up to find that I had actually seen the movie before, though I felt this prompting to find it and see it again.
So I watched it, to find several places in it that called to me, till one particular scene literally caused my heart to expand and push against the walls I had erected to protect it from ever being made fun of or misused again. Finding as I wound my way to the end of the movie this lifting of some old burden which now was calling me to write it down and set myself free.
I thought about it, yet nothing came out… I could feel the rattling of the door, see the key just inches away inside with me, yet unable to move… So I waited, rode, cleaned, felt, watched the movie again, took a break, listened, and allowed the feelings to just build. Until last night when I felt the urge to watch it again and yet found myself being guided to re-watching another movie on my list, which once again stated the need to write it out. Set myself free… to be fully me.
Passionate, proud, tall, horse connected, sometimes wonderfully oblivious to others as I play with the horse energy I find myself drawn to. I reach, feel, seek, and listen for the guidance and the peace I find when I reconnect a horse to actually engaging and being with a human. As they soon find there is someone here who is finally, trying to listen and engage with their energy of aliveness. It is so rewarding to be part of the transformation from just watching a horse who is tolerating life, one who is referred to as “dead broke” just existing, surviving, being fed, rode, handled as a tool, a worker, a slave to taught or learned habits (much like me) once again fully alive, relating and even anticipating life.
I find myself, now much more honest, aware of having shut so many doors in the castle that is me, closed off from fully imagining, much less allowing into my life… all of the dreams, desires and wishes I have kept locking away after putting them on the shelves in taking care of any and all others first. Thinking I did not matter, not as me, myself and I, the lady who lives, alive, glowing, insightful, aware and so passionate about the feelings she takes in and the visions she sees of the grandeur of almost all animals and people she meets. When she gets in the zone and away from the crowds of those she has mistakenly been trying to live up to their ideas and memories of who she should be.
The energy I feel is all around us, one just needs to find and trust it. Writing it all down now, today and sharing it with others is like I am finally calling back to him, expecting him to read it and find me. I have never quit on my passion…It’s the only place I can escape and let it all go to fully connect with life. I am writing today in hope and anticipation of it finding its way into his hands… years of aware anticipation, for the dream, the man, and the life I have been seeking since I was a very tiny child… now letting it out, opening the door, letting and expecting My Idea of life in… to begin!!
In the few days since I last sat here to write, I have been enjoying the silence of finding and turning off the enormous ghost engine which has for years quietly been running my life. Fascinated by not only the peace and quiet that suddenly finds me at different moments in the day, but so enjoying the comfortable feel of my new found freedom of choices in changing many of my day to day routines and habits. As I become this person I always knew was locked away somewhere inside of me, scared, scarred and to intimidated to come out to venture into the light of full time view by any and everyone else.
The years of blame, frustration, and accrued misunderstanding from thinking it was always something outside of me causing my current problems. The feelings of being stuck on this eternally spinning wheel with no way to step off to walk out the door that always stood beckoning just moments or steps away. Constantly moving, shifting, and accomplishing so very many things for the pleasure and success of others, while I kept up hoping and waiting for my turn of more than the few, short durations of success. Where I would then find myself back at square one, having to start over, scratching my head and many times beating myself up over my inability to at least find a more balanced, stable place.
I have been enjoying myself, finding myself deep in meditative thought as I continue to savor the uprooting of that long time sacred belief about rules. Cleaning, riding, playing with the newest colt in training as I enjoy the ease I find in working with an animal who has no past schooling or drama to undo. Pleasurably asking, receiving, rewarding and enticing him to bigger, newer, and more expansive understanding into how to communicate with humans in his third week of training. So loving the ease of his big body, softly responding to each move he finds a comfortable, rewarded response to, as he has learned I fully well know the spot on the crest of his neck that I massage and scratch at each interval between the steps I ask for that he moves in the direction or manner of asking. Totally entertained by his willingness to show off how well he listens, with his occasional asking for the reward before I offer and his ability to then continue until I signal for the time of the reward.
Finding in the last day or so, a question from one of my readers if in my unearthing of this last layer was this all there is, as far as I might be going? As I was pondering her question I had several things all happen within the space of a few hours to bring about the answer I think she and all of us seek. When I was cleaning my kitchen floor, moving each piece of furniture and appliance, I suddenly became aware as I unearthed my son’s stack of flavoring packets stuffed behind the stove, just a few inches away from the trash can. This feeling of thankfulness and understanding I have of him as being the much needed teacher “I” created for me to understand how much of my power I have been giving away to others by blaming them for how they act toward me. I did not know I had the rights to have my own beliefs and ideas. I did not know I was in charge of my own life. The wave of appreciation flooded over me as I understood all of the upheaval, frustration and rage that I had so thought was because of what others were doing to me. I had been responsible for all along. I had all of this power to change it at any time, but had so bought into I wasn’t allowed, I wasn’t good enough. I was all of these things except powerful enough to create exactly any and everything that had, is and will happen to me.
Wow, talk about a truly clean peaceful kitchen and my insides.To then find myself once again doing a training session with the young marvel, who has now advanced to a bridle, riding inside and outside with the other horses turned loose to ride through or left in their pens. When the loose horses happened to venture near the place on the edge of the round pen where this youngster when turned out to play, they all usually exchange greetings, nips, and grooming. To find my steed completely ignoring me in his attempt to connect in this daily ritual as the two leaders came up and inquired for him up next to the pen. Which then found me for the next 5 or 10 minutes helping him to understand the difference in behavior by himself with the group, or with a human companion directing the dance, as I caused him to realize the change in dynamics, I felt a long time favorite saying, proudly pass through my head. Then abruptly caught myself when I realized what I have been telling myself all of these years and then have perfectly to the letter, been living it out.
The bells of awareness went to clanging, the signals of “change, be aware, and change this now” to then repeat slowly out loud the words… “I always have done the impossible with nothing” and “I have always waited till the last minute to get things done and then accomplish the impossible”. Knowing these phrases so perfectly describe the hamster wheel of my life acquired sometime in my youth when I discovered I could read at an incredible rate, recall almost all the information, to be able write out, complete or be tested on with absolute accuracy, to the point of being one others sought out to do their reports and stuff for cash.
It had been a great accomplishment that I had literally and figuratively taken to heart. Just not understanding or crediting myself with the power of my words in creating all of what has been an extreme roller coaster ride of having things, then back down to nothing and then amazingly have things work out.
Yes it “had” been great, it was fantastic that I survived my creations…but, I now choose to live, think, and feel more in the moment, as I discover and change the habits that are now more noticeably coming to the forefront for me to actually see, recognize and take full responsibility for, to choose, and change to whatever I now desire to have, be or become. Life is fantastic, such a wonderful playground to experience, understand, and create as I open myself up to the many differences I use to fear from the stance of thinking my life was dictated by someone or something outside of me. Instead of my connection to the Universe who created me to experience life from the perspective of me, just like I am, with my own personal dreams, desires, choices and outcomes!
I drive for a different school district than my youngest and it seems like years since I have just had a day off with no one around and just allow it to unfold. Wow and actual day off with nothing planned.So I had a great, late, lingering in bed meditation and then wandered in to check my emails, sifted through Facebook, espied “the game” figuring I would just play for five lives.
To find myself an hour and a half later caught up in the conversation going on in my head of how to accrue the needed points to get the third star. Discovering all of these tools I have for manifesting and accomplishing things, being handed to me for me to use, get the feeling of, then discard and move to the next, as fast as I could think. All the while this discussion of ideas and possibilities was going on, I noticed how not totally focused on the task at hand I truly was. I was in a dialogue with my own mind.
Which once I noticed what was going on, I could feel my body relax as if to play along with me getting my own attention all sorted out. So I took a breath and felt my gut for advice… to find this feeling of comfort and ease. My body was allowing me to let go of time, just to be here, on the computer, not really doing anything… just being in the moment. The tension of there being any importance to being anywhere, doing anything, having to accomplish something, or finish the level… all gone, as I discovered the freedom of being with myself in silence… which lasted a lot longer than I was completely aware of as I suddenly found I had done two full rounds, both with in less than500 points of my goal and lives left over.
So I quit and closed it out to go take a shower. To find all of these thoughts and ideas, once again rapidly piecing together in my mind. As I scrubbed off the early morning and I allowed the possibilities to line up in my head. Drying off to grab my camera and snap some quick images that would allow me to show in pictures the ideal description for each chapter of my book. Went to the computer with the card from my camera to download and transfer the marvelously fluid idea into it, but no matter what I did, nothing worked.
It took a full twenty minutes of the slow feeling rise of struggling to catch myself, stop, and focus elsewhere, for my eye to spy the little link thingy with my son’s card still in it. I quickly swapped it out, then fitted it in the correct slot to have the display inform me of the 45 minutes necessary to download all of the photos. I then figured how easily I could now go play with my horses, do some chores and arrange stuff for this evening, as the computer did its thing.
Fascinated with the habit of still attempting to struggle something into place because of the old thought of the time it might take. The time it takes, is the time it takes. Was further demonstrated for me when Freckles, my short horse with the scars of being pushed too hard, to fast, to roughly. Damaged, scared, and fully having had had enough of humans six years ago… walked up to me to be caught, reached his lips out to gently nuzzle my hand for a possible treat and then brought his nose around when asked to either side, just for a soft scratch between his ears. He rode like a little, cocky, I can do whatever you require of me, because I have learned if I freeze in uncertainty of what you are asking… you will slow down and let me figure it out.
I am now doing that for me. Learning to listen for when my mind becomes too full of ideas, possibilities and questions. Slowing it down, shifting its focus, allowing myself to breathe, relax, and find a place of connection between all of the parts of me.
All these pieces and tools, none of them perfect by themselves, none of them working completely alone, none of them the only answer. All of them are parts of the bigger puzzle to who I truly am. All of them worthy, different, real, or imagined… the connective pieces that allow one to be fully alive, learning, discovering, imagining, creating or just living fully in the now. I just love how much easier it all is than I was ever told or imagined. Living fully in the now…totally is amazing!
This has so been the underlying theme of the last few days for me as I am seemingly fine in the simpler task of cleaning, moving, driving, brushing, grooming and extending myself when necessary. Yet there was this decided tiredness that I sort of noticed Sunday after my e-mails and then I visited with friends. It then vanished during the two hour lesson that afternoon. Though it showed up sort of understandably right before bedtime, so I did my stretches, turned on my bed and comfortably dozed off with no lingering unanswered thoughts that needed immediate answers.
Went through my day Monday truly aware of the building heat of the much needed approaching rain, as I tended my chores, before going through my selection of horses starting with Charlie and his return to my riding lineup after re-bandaging his nicely healing wound. Noting how attentive and interested he was in being thoroughly groomed, stretched and introduced to the new patterns, which he easily maneuvered at a walk then trot, with no sign of anything, except his desire to be out doing with me instead of the just being turned out.
Move on to Gidget my little girl, who easily bent, stretched and responded to each cue with a more relaxed being-ness and ease of participation in the smaller circles and bends where I explored my ability to communicate less and less with the reins and bosal. As I continued the dance of ask, respond, ears are where? Ah, there… I received the tip of it extended back to me waiting for the next cue of any leg muscle and her quick reaction to my thoughts as we slowly progressed from a little tension in her to a softness that matched my tempo. Be it fast, slow, forward, back or sideways as we maneuvered through patches of weeds and brush and I felt the sigh of recognition that she is in tune, comfortable and listening to what I ask for.
I move from her to the little horse Freckles to find all of the same steps slowly becoming easier for him as well. Though mentally noting the few stuck places of him trying to rush to what he thought I was going to ask, till he found the comfort of just patient response always guiding and assisting him back to easy, slow…okay steps.
Finding myself with my big horse Revolver, still aware of the tenseness that begins after grooming should anyone begin any steps toward saddling, as I am on heighten awareness of the signs I have to have been missing. I add the blankets one at a time, noting his breathing, eye contact, and body stance. Then the saddle, still paying attention, knowing I am on the right track when I feel his head look away, to be quickly followed by his body starting to curve with his belly toward me, which I address when I notice he tips his ear away first. I moved my hand forward to adjust his lead rope and I am surprised to watch his eyes lock on my hand the minute it moves to proceed up past his jaw toward the bar where he is tied.
I marvel at this movement I have made hundreds of times before, which has him in a total look of discomfort and extreme panic. So for the next thirty minutes I work with nothing except the movement of my hand from my side to forward toward the rope. Incrementally waiting each time till he changes his perception of what will happen. To finally manage to cause a relaxed, comfortable horse with an old fear, now thoroughly dissected and reconstructed, allowing me to finish and have a great ride.
Monday evening then found me browsing on the computer and I went from the high of a deconstructed old problem, to the blasted much more obvious tiredness. Which found me again yesterday, moments after I finished unloading hay, feed, making the rounds, grooming, doctoring and just too exhausted to continue, acknowledging the intense heat of the approaching front and my not taking a day off from horses. Suddenly aware of feeling like I was doing way too much again, what was it I enjoyed so much about this if I was now so incredibly tired?
I went and drove, came in fixed supper, ate, and tried to read, write or just play on the computer. Even taking the time to browse the want ads, maybe a new job or another way to view mine, my life, my goals, my whatever’s. No way, I was all give out, so I stretched, said goodnight to my youngest and went to sleep with full intention of figuring this reoccurring tiredness out. As I dozed off I found myself in this half waking dream of things being decided for me by others in the first part in small stuffed uncomfortable places, and then this luxurious huge, comfortable, round bed, with thick, warm, fuzzy blankets in front of huge, perfectly laid out round stone fireplace, all of these wonderful people working and caring with me together as a team, and I dozed soundly off.
This morning I knew what was going on as I opened my emails and found the perfect letter of confirmation. Which I laughed at the title as I opened it and allowed the first sentence to register inside of me. Feeling the power of no, not now, not tomorrow, not even… I scrolled down the page and found the unsubscribe button clicked on it, followed it up with their desire to know why stating “It’s Uncomfortable” then closed the tab and deleted the email, as I felt this huge weight of indecision lift off of me.
To then have the most incredible, fun lesson with my client as I helped her to find the right feeling decisions for her and her horse on any and every question she asked or that presented itself to be worked through. As we laughed, breathed, and relaxed, several times showing her possibilities and then getting out of the way, watching, listening and encouraging whenever she got stuck and asked for help. Or when things were beginning to re-escalate and a quick reminder or my body movement from the right spot on the go, caused the two to blend and her to feel the comfort and ease. Compared to her trying to think it through. She was experiencing the feeling, the comfortable movement of connection allowing big sighs from both as they relaxed into just being a team.
The tiredness stemming from my discomfort over allowing another’s opinion to shake my ideas of believing what I desire is possible my way. My uncertainty rising to the forefront over the credentials of others with more expertise, verses my gut instinct. My body is tired of me not trusting fully in the wondrous, intelligence that resides with-in me to easily guide me on the right path for me. By truly trusting the two simple feelings: It’s either comfortable or uncomfortable. I know this is so easy, but I still have a slight scrambled bit of that old engine running about listening to others with the distinction being between their ideas/possibilities/probabilities and their opinions/shoulds/rigid/definite. I love the freedom to add stuff to my toolbox, when and how I decide it feels and fits comfortably for me!
Woke up with an aching feeling in one of my bottom teeth, the kind that for me usually signals something stuck that is aching to be relieved from in between the slight space found between teeth. I wandered toward the bathroom pausing momentarily as I saw the light on in my office. Which around here at 7:30 in the morning, definitely means someone (my youngest son) is up on my computer, so I stuck my head in and asked if he had done all of the morning chores. Per our agreement for computer use this early in the morning without asking and waking me. He stated yes, and that he would make me a glass of instant breakfast to clinch the deal, since it was his responsibility today to take care of fixing something for us to eat.
I declined saying I would rather go get a real breakfast down at the café. He said that he would find something here so he could utilize as much computer time as possible before my return. Finally getting to the mirror in the bathroom to view the tooth in question, noting to the side of it a sore from me catching my gum with a toothpick last night. I then brushed my teeth, talking to the one in pain, asking it what was going on that I had somehow missed… No answer, so I proceeded to shower, dress, fix my makeup and hair as I then visualized my morning’s journey whilst quickly throwing a load in the washer and after moving last night’s load to the dryer. Noting the tennis shoes I was throwing in would look so much better with new white laces to be acquired at the dollar store next to the café and off I went.
One stop shopping at its finest, to walk in right up to the needed item, no waiting as the cashier met me when I came up with my purchase, rung it up and as I was digging for the change, pulled the few cents needed from the penny donation container on the counter to return dollars instead of change. Headed into the café, found a lighted booth facing the door, ordered, pulled out to read my latest Kindle book as I enjoyed their really good breakfast offering. All the while aware of this niggling pain and what it was trying to convey to me. With no answer easily forth coming, I proceeded to the convenience store for teas and dessert for both him and me later in the day and to then head home.
Walked into a disarray in the living room of all of his stuff, thrown here and there, definite shoe marks from the barn to his room, and then met by a very pushy 14 year old, who attempted to grab his dessert to just wolf down. I corrected his intent by pointing at the floor, the mess now found in the kitchen and questioning if all chores had been completed, because until I had checked…he would be getting nothing.
Wandered back into the office to go through my email after I had finished another rotation of wash, all the while aware of my tooth suddenly aching louder just as he came back in with the dessert being devoured, stating his chores were accomplished. As I was going through my email I could feel the muscle in the back of my neck and the top of my shoulder all trying to add to the symphony of aches now coming in chorus from various parts of my body, when I caught myself looking for another email to defend myself from my disinterest in the current male.
I could feel this dawning of awareness between the aches, and the guilty/rude behavior I have been witnessing, acknowledging, and sugar coating my answers for in an attempt to make telling another No, okay. All of a sudden this desire for my ritual Sunday nap after a week of 5:30 risings, 5 horses and 2 or 3 lessons a day, hustling a 14 year old boy and then being “Nice” to a man when my senses had already alerted me to “he’s not it”. What in the world I have been thinking/drinking/smoking!!! I put on a meditation tape, noting as I started to doze, my son’s sneaking back in to play on the computer, but my body was in need and I was taking care of me, “First”.
I awoke knowing the tooth ache and mouth sore were symptoms of me “biting back words” being nice, accommodating, kind… seeing another as unable to take the truth, them not being able or willing to do something different, they’re not being able to be okay with my choices for me… Damn, I am still doing it, but at least I am catching myself sooner. I am becoming more aware of my still reacting first, then feeling if it is right for me or not, I can feel my body softening, relaxing, allowing me to feel good even now as I am writing all of this out.
I do believe my current challenge is to becoming a perfect, friend, lover, confidant, partner, trainer, and coach to my wonderfully tolerant loving body… the temple of my knowing, feeling, spiritual, aware, sensing soul. I am going to learn how to successfully really hear whatever it is trying to tell me as I become a true team player. Remembering there is no I in TEAM!
“He who controls your emotions, controls you” First noticed on a church billboard back Kerrville Texas in 2002. So if I wish to have something I have to be in control of my wanting it, controlling how I will feel about having it, and staying centered now in the desire of wanting it.
For instance I desire my place to be trimmed, cleaned, cut and neat. The areas for riding, the yard and the entrance to my work area. I lay out my desires in a list. I then share my desires with another who is in need of something I possess, can give, or have the said where with all to fulfill for them. They balk at my way of thinking, throwing their mix of emotions into the cauldron, I react, instead of thinking it through on a purely logical, creative, win-win form of thought. I out of habit become emotionally entangled in having to have it my way, or seeing them as in opposition to what I want. To then become embroiled in making it happen. Sometimes further stirring up the soup and intensifying the entire situation by justifying, defending, proving or dragging in some other person to be on my side, “feeling” I have no credentials of my own for my view to be valid and okay.
Instead of just finding a way to agree with their having an opinion, continuing on with my goal and how it will feel when it is complete. With or without them, allowing the Universe the ability to fill in the blanks of the how to’s. Still basically following my instinctive feeling in what to do next, albeit with or without them. Leaving the emotions/ego out of it entirely, thus freeing up my energy to just enjoy the process.