It’s been awhile since my last blog because I chose to continue my journey inward.
Learning more about me, who I am, who I was, the why’s of my life that all join together to create me in each “Now’. Following in the awareness of this last few weeks of only moments each day with my horses because of the vast amounts of rain found here this September. This last weekend culminating in a huge “ah ha” as the lights inside not only came on, but showed this huge piece of the tapestry that has always been right there, just out of focus. As I was use to living more in the answers others told, offered or thrust upon me.
Everything around us is always offering us the answers we seek. Yet in our societies the expectancy to conform to the pressure of fitting in is most prominent. We were taught at a very young age to respond mostly to make other people happy and then getting our desires met. The proof of one of the first words children learn is NO! Don’t touch, don’t move, don’t explore, don’t have until given permission. Permission usually with a price tag. You might get hurt, you might break something, you might do it wrong. Don’t learn about it, do as your told, I’ll keep you safe.
Yes you may have the cookie… if you do??? An entire litany of simple things at first. Give me a kiss, a hug, clean up the mess. Which slowly evolves into finish your work, take care of the dishes, take a bath, go to school. Then into the work arena of find a job, pay your bills, make your parents proud, fit your degree plan, get it done to get paid, have a family, buy a house. Yet… words don’t teach, only life experience teaches.
All of this showing itself as I was cleaning up my partnership with my new horse Scoozi. My intent… the focused idea of a fun, successful, easy, caring open communicative relationship. Amazed with how much baggage a horse just turning four (supposedly only halter broke) has with her.
Highly aware as I played with each situation which presented itself. The mirrored reflection of my life it revealed. Especially the tendency to double and triple check myself with others books, answers and videos… whenever the situation doesn’t simply resolve itself. The discomfort of not getting it “perfect” or “right” for the imaginary crowd that might suddenly show itself and critique my results here out in the country, many miles from any big city. The Universe always willing to guide me when I allow it to. Assisting me to find my way through this maze of self confusion, and then to my sharing my discoveries here.
This weekend I was led to a video (which I will share at the end) about finding one’s own answers and allowing others to find theirs, as a rat was taught how to tread water in the center of a swimming pool.
The one advantage the rat had… it’s only label was “rat”. Not a tall, short, skinny, fat, black, purple, OCD, PTS, or any of the other labels that cause separation, discomfort and fear of not being enough. This labeling hindering ones ability to learn and figure out the solution for ones self.
I have learned… I am amazing. I choose to stay fully present in each “Now”. I pay attention and reward every try of the horse… and myself. I step back and allow the other to express where they are at. I allow the other to take the time it takes. I am willing to change things when the answer I think should be next… is not really the answer that is needed. I am adaptable, I am constantly learning that in teaching there is no mold. No absolute. No definitive way. There is the final outcome to stay focused on. Just the how’s are the surprising solutions which present themselves to us when we stay open, allowing the best guidance of all… Trusting the feel… our gut, our senses, the good sensation, the ease in the next step. Keeping our focus and trust on a great feeling result.
My desire was originally thought to be a partnership with Scoozi, my new horse. Where what I have found instead… it’s a true partnership with Life. Learning I am capable, willing, aware and always connected when I allow the Universe to join, guiding me in the dance.
After all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”
My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention. The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.
The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…
You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.
Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.
First responder habit still has dibs on you!
No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.
Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.
Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.
The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.
It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…
Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!
I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.
Awareness is the key to change. Though actually in my process of discovering what it is I need to change, I have found I can be aware of the things on the surface, and never once have touched the undertow actually running my life. Amazed at discovering there is this place inside where when one is persistently, intently focused on what appears to be happening right in front of them, outside of their control, while an entire slew of subtle old beliefs are actually controlling the current.
The beliefs of who “Am I” usually start with an entire litany of others description of me, as they see, desire or need me to be. Which in the living of my life I have done an incredible job of fitting into just fine, by doing all the steps necessary to make others wishes come true. Yet now, no where in this incredible state of doing so much for so many have I found the entirety of me.
Earlier today I went into meditation with the desire to know what is the core belief that ties all of this stuck-ed resistance together for me to not find myself in either the “glorious picture of success” presented by advertising or the “famous rescuer of the world” from the shamed and blasphemed sensationalism depicted in the news.
Before me danced the many dictates of beliefs I have encountered in the past with each one saying “pick me, look here, notice me”, nodding at their availability, I continued down the rows of my life’s steps, stopping to look, pick up, uncover and examine each in turn. Slowly feeling for the emotion attached or represented by each one.
Noticing something odd, just a little off, barely tangible, almost out of sorts… A single out of place thread, just a wisp poking out of the side, off to the edge, barely visible on some, in plain sight on others, yet it continually looped back and forth between all of the aisles of my life.
As I looked back I discovered there was not one single evident belief that it did not run through.
Interestingly it was the most simple shade of gray. Not flashy, not pretty, not ugly… just there. Small, slim, fine like a spider’s silk, yet resiliently stretching over years and years of the past.
I stopped, walked back, picked it up, truly examining it to see what truth it had for me.
It was alone. It had no others. There was just the one tiny, slim thread. So fine as to seem to be just a tiny thought, buried here, yet in plain sight. Waiting to be found, to be gathered and re-weaved, successfully into my awareness. The biggest change I needed to find, see and realize. My Aloneness!
I alone can change my life. There is no waiting. No blaming. No loss… other than not choosing my taking and owning my own power. The responsibility to own everything I have ever done as the perfect steps to lead me to now.
I have been steadily, slowly, constantly learning, deciding and choosing whether it is to say no or yes to any situation. Because nothing is ever truly wrong, to be judged or challenged. It’s just not right for me. I, Alone, own the choice. I, Alone choose to be more, less or do nothing. But I so Gloriously “ALONE” get to choose. For there is no one else inside who causes me to feel or think. JUST AWESOMELY ME! I am my connection to it all. Every day a little bit more, every moment I choose to be the best me… YET!
Wasn’t sure just where to start… figuring I would let it flow and see what came about in my awareness of living life with the Heart I now find at the very edge of each and every thought. As I have been soaking up the newness of change… in my own beliefs, words, and realizations from others experiences so lovingly shared and found when one searches. Necessary from my previously unknown tendency to take “to heart” and become what others needed me to be so they might be happy.
Thankfully, whenever I last wrote here, a few days later I was sent a notice that another person was following my blog, so I went back to read one of the post they liked. Which led to my reading two other post I had written months apart, yet basically just loops of the same place I was struggling in. I stepped back. Tried to look around to truly see as best possible of where I was. To start clearing, cleaning, changing and feeling for what was it I was truly “Wanting”!
This last weekend found me deep within connecting to my self in an entirely new profound way. I was looking into my own eyes, feeling my focus for what I saw… was I truly looking inside of me, or just at the physical aspects of me? How was I thinking? From the thoughts of what my looks were or where my looks were radiating from…
I have a new 3 ½ year old filly. The first day I went to see her I had a flash of intuition of who she truly would become. Loaded her up and she came home with me. Starting with… vet, wormed, chiropractor, farrier, 60 days ground work of her consistently “taking directions”… noting how aware she was of guarding her right side. Slow, careful, consistent 21 days under saddle.
Day 22… noted how old the earpiece on the bridle was (to be changed later). Which found me hard on the ground minutes later, after her panicked run into the fence when the bridle broke at the buckled spot and she tried to get away from this swinging piece near her eye. I “panicked” by physically making sure we did not run through the fence as she started to collide with it. Once turned she immediately unloaded her once confident rider, and two jumps later as I am refilling my lungs with air. She turns and walks back up to me with reins and bridle dangling from around her neck to find out what was so scary.
Healing is a mental thing, I knew I had missed something… I stopped and went back to the start, with slow, observant ground work. When I happened to reach over to the right side of her face where the bridle gave and found the still, very acute panic that had been apparent in her at the beginning. That which I had “obediently trained” her past. Suddenly having a very strong memory of my ole man “Chic” and the fear so strongly present in him when I first finally got to own him, and the months of slow, careful, conscious time earning his trust. Realizations of who I was and what I have been missing in my assisting others to change, all of these many years later after he died.
I forgot the Heart, Soul, and Look of Eagles when the light goes on because another knows you are listening to “ALL” of them. Seeing another as who they see themselves to be. Not who others think they should, could or ought to be.
Acutely aware of the time I went to a rodeo type event when I first moved back here and won 5 of the 7 events, placing 2nd in the others because I had to learn them minutes before competing. So relishing the comrade of being noticed, talked to and “accepted”. Highly aware of the one common comment “What I did was awesome BUT how much faster I would be when I learned to do it like they all did!”
Basically I went to clinics… untaught, untrained and disciplined myself to obediently follow the guidelines, finding the winnings getting less and less. Unless I started a beginning rider or horse with my self taught basics. From which they would start winning, only to be enticed to other stables so they could fit in and “Really Win”. I’d lost my own heart, trained it obediently away and didn’t even know it.
Thankfully I have never given up, just learned to slow down, start over and examine “everything!” Which blissfully led to this last weekend with my three different horses, now with a heartfelt connection to me, as I am looking and treating them as full valuable partners. Allowing them to know we are doing this together, step by step. The reward in their letting down, letting in, and amazed at the immense physical releases of their years worth of just “being obedient” yet having no real say in the partnership.
The run, run, hurry, hurry, everyone wants it now! Why aren’t you riding, trotting, loping, winning or on them yet demands. I had bought into the outcome, quantity, and “other peoples” wants for the mount to be just ridden and controlled. Their horses obediently following directions and going through the motions.
Not the quality and class of bringing the whole horse I am so capable and available to assist others in finding. The “Look of Eagles” in their eyes in full partnership, each a full half of the team. The team that sparkles and shines because of the connection of being powerful beings “Together, calm, connected, confident, classy, full Partners in Heart.”
All this work, all this digging, all this examining, excavating, feeling, and awareness for answers/solutions to this current place of stucked-ness, that even my computer is pointing out that that word does not exist as I desire it to be. I tried the variations of actions my computer program suggested, yet none of them fit in “My” description of this latest tale of self-discovery. This evening’s rendition of the war of words unleashed when I went to make myself a simple desert and discovered my youngest had emptied almost the entire can of whipping cream, less the two liquid tablespoons which were summoned out by holding it upside down and they dribbled out.
There is this place of enoughness, a condition brought about by being nice, kind, considerate, and mindful of one’s manners because… we have guests, the elderly, men, ladies, young ears, and I should mind my place in the doing of dishes, putting out the meal, serving the kids and several other womanly chores that surfaced at today’s family gathering. Which brought up memories of Thanksgiving pasts when I knew both of my parents full time working situations and used to think how totally absurd it was for the women to have to do it all whilst the men lounged around, sampling the food and watching TV, and yet the women only got to relax after they had done it all.
I had spent the day deep in thought over the togetherness of my sisters and father’s family, the new things I desire and the space still between them, held apart from this unnamed sore point from my past which showed up in my waking as a tugging at my left shoulder and neck muscles early this morning. Staying to niggle at my consciousness as once again, the pain (pay attention I need) was alerting me to something about to become clear enough for me to change or release.
I had felt perfectly comfortable with most of the day’s activities, till the last several incidents here at the house with my youngest, doing the just getting by effort, with the final straw being the same old excuses turned into an old habit of trying to make me feel guilty for having to do without the whipped topping I had set my mouth for. When the words just came boiling out, angry, mad, and extremely frustrated, though for a change I could feel myself actually editing thoughts and feelings as soon as the tirade began, fascinated with the memories flooding my mind. As I worked my way through the explosion, calming myself, I became aware of the uncovered flawed beliefs, which had been firmly wedged beneath layers of that’s what women did.
My mind stating that there is no one here to hold me to that now. I can make new choices. I can have the very life I was shushed at for when I was much younger and told this it just how things are. Suddenly feeling a huge sigh escape from within as I found a sense of wonder at the ability and power of the tool of anger, when the lid on top of the problem is so tightly wedged and screwed on that the only way for things to come out is with the steam of energy prodded up to then beyond the boiling point.
Aware too, of the young horse I have in training who is so perfectly physically balanced, she knows the minute one is in just the right position for her to move and jostle inexperienced riders out of the seat of power, so she can maneuver her way back to where she wants to go. Much like my youngest son’s ability to tamper with my temper, where in the past he would prod my kettle till I got mad, to then apologize like crazy, make all kinds of promises to get his desire met first with no actual intention to do the follow up. Not tonight, tonight I found myself watching, aware, and changing as I noticed not only all of me, but all of him. Felt the parry and thrust of my well trained teacher of a child as I finally earned an “A” by getting mad, being made aware, getting over it, and still accomplishing a feeling of amazed relief now that all is said and done. A very learned and happy Thanksgiving indeed!
I have been sitting here with a candy bar. It is a King Size Special Dark Hershey’s Chocolate one because as I was finishing up my route for the evening, I started thinking about what I would like to have for dessert after supper this evening, visualizing the dark chocolate that frequents my favorite ice cream. Imagining the taste of it, the satisfaction it brings when I allow it to melt in mouth, thoroughly engulfed in the way that particular type of dark chocolate, taste, feels, delights and arouses my full attention to the feeling of luxury and indulgence that I so delight in. Having done a full at least five minutes of enjoying the delights of the evening to come, I continued with the rest of my route. Parked the bus, and then proceeded to the meeting place with my youngest son at the high school welding shop to pick up my repaired stool. The whole time, planning, seeing, and deciding upon my options of my intended route for the chair, feed, ice cream, ice and chocolate, before 4:45 at the grocery store. When the store is too jam packed with kids and parents headed home after school for me to fit into my intended time frame. Deciding when I arrived at the school with no son in sight, to then proceed to the shop, talk with the instructor, pick up my stool, all the while noting the time and my intention of honoring the 4:25 agreed upon time or he’d walk home.
At the appointed time with a no show from him, I proceeded on to my next few stops, choosing to forgo the store because of the crowd. Heading instead to the local convenience store where they sell awesome large bags of ice, and a variety of treats for me to taste in my mind to find a close match to my already intended treat for the evening. Spying the Hershey bar and a small container of vanilla ice cream, I figured I would at least hit close to my intention. I paid for the ice and stuff to come home to find my son busily cutting grass, sheepishly admitting he had forgotten again and wasn’t I proud of his mowing to make amends.
I was cool about it, I had my stool, my ice, my ice cream and the dark chocolate. All the while thinking about how good the candy would be as I continued to wrestle a solution about how I was truly feeling about a guy I knew in high school. Who appeared in my night and day dreams almost all of last spring and summer from somewhere hidden deep inside of me, and then reappear this last Friday night. Causing me to consider why and where was this was coming from. Though not near as much as the voices of reason that was going on in my head. The whole story of caring, loving, fitting in, making sure I took care of everybody else… but me.
I took the first bite of chocolate… and knew it wasn’t what I wanted or intended. My mind matching that to the couple of short, polite, carefully constructed notes I have made in an attempt to re-connect. I am eating the second piece of candy, thinking how it is so not what I wanted. Yes it is dark, yes it is chocolate, yes it is here. But it is “NOT” what I truly want to eat or wanted to say…
I heard my mind correcting and warning me the few times I have written. Being polite, trying to take care of him, in case he is married, mad at me, aware of weirdo’s, stalkers, strange things that go bump in the night, or any other scenario’s that I have learned happen to go with improper etiquette. I wished him Happy Birthday a few days ago out on Facebook with his initials and totally freaked out when he replied, much less with a set of letters I didn’t figure out till I quit panicking over “What had I done!”
I then calmed down enough to send him a very polite response over wishing to talk, though not a clue about what, to be greeted with a dream of him calling me that night, my family in the room and me walking away from them. I chose him, I didn’t think twice about it, I just got up and walked out. Now in eating this not even close to what I want bar, I realize I love him, I loved our friendship, our time together, the playing, the working, the just being.
I so have bought into how my heart’s choice would be wrong for everyone else… I walked away from a whole lot of things, after him, and have been settling, selectively choosing to hear from everyone else what they need from me so that “they” will be okay. Closing off the deepest part of me. Which I have only truly rediscovered in the last few years, as I have uncovered layer by layer all of the beliefs, ideals and dreams of everyone else’s idea of me. To truly find this afternoon, when I realized I love me, I love him, I love my ability to choose and listed to me first, last and foremost.
I’m worth the trip back to the grocery store for the white chocolate raspberry truffle ice cream. I am worth a letter from my heart stating my truths no matter the consequences. Because I am the best judge of what it is I desire, seek, want, and need… Which I will only acquire when I line up my focus, feelings, and thoughts with absolute certainty toward what I intend to zone in on as the best life for me!
I have a post it note attached on the bottom of my screen that states “I’ve done it, I Figured it out!” and since I stuck it there I am constantly figuring out the steps I have been missing, didn’t understand fully, or interpreted them wrong when I was learning whatever current thing I am having happening in my life that is not turning out the way I intended in my mind. This morning started out seeming exactly like that when I woke up found it had rained enough last night for water to be standing in all the places to handle, much less ride a horse. My next thought was “wow, sleep in past seven” so I texted my first lesson as I reconstructed the rest of my day off in my mind. Wondering if the threatening for more rain would affect my date later in the day to test drive the truck that has so held my attention for the last week or so.
Figured I would get the simpler things done and make a quick pot of coffee to take the chill off the damp cool morning. To turn on the tap and find no water pressure?? I then went to check outside in case the line to the horses might have ruptured or the outside faucet might have been left on. Nope, so I glance around to see if I can spot water running off or flowing from the ground not caused by the rain. Then glancing down the highway in either direction for signs of city maintenance working on the mainline or an undetected geyser in need of calling them about. I considered calling in case there was a problem out of my sight from up here on the hill, when I kept getting the nudge to check closer to the house. Trusting the feeling, I double checked the water puddles near the front gate, noting a larger amount there than in other areas. So I walked around to the side of the house to find my youngest dog (who is terrified of storms) cowering in his dog house. The water hose pulled within inches of his door, with the attached faucet leaning in his direction and water gurgling up readily from the now shattered connection.
First thoughts, parts, glue, tools and help, as I hollered at my youngest to assist, feed, and turn our horses out since with the rain all lessons are canceled. As he takes care of animals, I fully survey the damage and things needed. Finding a small digging trowel within inches of the sight, amused at the Universe’s help and add to that all needed items minus glue and cleaner. In digging up the area needed to do the repair I find my mind running with a lot of the thoughts as to why this is occurring today. Hearing the replies of “path of least resistance, crack of most allowing” from my Abraham cd’s knowing there is an answer to some question I ask all tied up in the fixing of this broken connection. Which will fix the flow of water to my house and the flow of abundance in my life. Allowing several different possible desires I have on my list wonderfully coming true as we head to the store for glue, coffee, and donuts.
I find myself in the store distracted by the choices of glues, the 4-H’s bake sale at the door, and the large buffet of men trolling the store this early on a Saturday morning, much like the article I had glanced at this last week. To find when I had gotten back home and was set up to put the pieces together…I had bought two types of cleaner and no glue. Which meant going back to the store,with more thoughts of what’s up in my mind as I get in my truck to be inundated in flies, they are everywhere, taking up the open invite with door left open on my truck to find a dry place out of the rain.
I think “okay, wrong items, all these flies, still no water”?? Then it occurs to me. Flies bug me; they distract me if I am not focused. When I went to the store I was trying to figure out why the water leak and I played with several possibilities, men, trucks, horse stuff, trying to “make” the pieces fit together. But it wasn’t till I had to completely take all of the cleaner off twice, trying to show my son how to do pvc repair, that I got it.
All of this was over my asking how to improve my ability to allow the things into my life, open up the flow of abundance in. I have the ability to be in the “zone” when I teach, train, or coach, most of the time. Yet I know it is possible to do it all of the time without giving up any parts of me to do it. And here, wonderfully provided by my question to the Universe it’s way to reply so that I can understand and apply it, was the answer.
Fully focus, so head-ups, idea in mind, the sensation of having it complete, easy, applicable, moving toward the goal, no matter the distractions, or things that try to bug us. It is this paying attention till the last detail is so comfortably in place we can do it without thinking, it’s like dancing, following the flow of the music, allowing our bodies to feel and move with the tune, the sensation…
Never felt this way before, never had feelings that were so strong
To impress, to show, yet instead being impressed upon
To become, to learn, to follow where my instincts flow
To listen and feel, there is so much more I long to know
Have loosed writings, long kept secrets in my mind
To another, so many paths and trails are all entwined
Watching, seeking, all these questions flow and sing
Reminding, teaching me, of the truths each moment brings
Having finally danced, like I always wished and did believe
With another, with who each step to intertwine and weave
Danced each moment, felt the magic that becomes
From matching footprints, where two sets of steps blend in to one.
Cat Friske 5-21-2012
I wrote this several years ago after waking from a dream, thinking it was telling me about the man that frequents my thoughts now and then. Just today I see and understand it differently. It to me means when I am fully connected to all of myself. What I am thinking, why I desire it, and how it will feel when it is done. I love my busted water pipe, for giving me the answer to finding and staying in my zone question. I love the scared dog, for allowing me to recognize my own fears of being in trouble from approaching storms of questions, not knowing how to get away from them, and terrified of being in trouble for not knowing all the answers. Life is awareness, focus, feeling. allowing guidance (God-U-I-DANCE)…manifested!
Well this is sort of true, she is no longer a residence in my house as of 8:30 last night and it’s because I Love Me and this has a whole lot to do with maintaining my intention to take care of me… first! Setting the stage from her origins in our household seven years ago when my youngest wanted a kitty to call his own. Since my eldest and me shared the affection of my gray manx cat Minxy, I made an agreement with him and his behavior smiley faces at school. When he got two weeks’ worth of top smiley faces we would find him a kitten. Needless to say, two week later after seeing the free kittens sign at the vet’s office. We stopped in to get the last one, all alone in the great big cage, this small, loudly meowing kitten. Which was promptly named KC (kitty cat), moved into our three bedroom house to “share” with my cat, little suspecting how opinionated and hostile one small kitten can be. Within the time of three months, she had ripped, torn, and attacked my wonderful inside cat of five years, into suddenly darting out the front door, to better take her chances with hunting and the cold over this small, angry, selfish kitten. It being my youngest cat, and mine so quick to adapt to the outside with her occasional deposits of deceased vermin in exchange for food and attention. You would think there would be peace, but no, the dislike for any attention to go to anyone but her, caused her to race out the door at the first sign of mine to attack and annoy her over her still being present on the “queen’s” property. There were skirmishes with both of my sons over whose turn to do what animal care, and a whole lot of teasing of this already ornery cat. Till pretty soon, she had taken over my bed, the underneath side to attack me or anyone else if they were to venture with in range of my room. The topside at night as I slept, she would walk up and down on top of me if there was not enough food in her bowl, this combined with this constant wining during the day because I would not keep her bowl full to her liking. Add to that this a personality that would only come visit or socialize when she was hungry, and bite anyone should they reach down to pet her for more than a stroke or too and not get up to feed her. Combined with a water pistol as of late to allow me peace in my part of the house and making her wait till the two feedings I do for everything on this place, continued till last night, when it dawned on me. I allowed a little boy and cat to run roughshod over my cat and my house to they could be comfortable in calling the shots.
So when I opened the door to call my cat and miss priss came over for her usual run out and attack, I placed her bowl full of food out the door and closed it behind her. She bellowed, and meowed and finally went through the cat door under the house. Where this morning I found an empty bowl at her spot and out the other door sat my cat waiting patiently to be fed.
To take this a step further in my exploration of staying focused on my intent to take care of me. I became aware of something nagging at me, this slight pain in the back of my neck on the right side. As my youngest and me were leaving this morning after his not following through on any of yesterday’s chores, I heard myself saying the following “If I’m not important, you’re not important!” Not realizing the habitual word play I was describing about myself and how much all of this so ties together. I went to work and tapped about the pain, the cat, and any and everything else that came up. To come back home later, still tapping as memory after memory came up to be addressed, and released…just a little. After saddling my third horse, I came back in, sat down just for a minute or two, so tired, so lethargic, and found myself asleep/half dozing and this scene from my childhood vividly played out before me, of my father yelling at me, telling me “those animals depend on you, you don’t eat till they are taken care of first”. Knowing full well I was remembering a page from my past at about age 6 to 8, I suddenly felt the full weight of my value in his words…I internalized that “ I was not important”. The minute the weight of those words came up fully from my unconscious, I startled to awaken aware of the years’ worth of taking care of others, always before me. Why the habitual phrase “If I’m not important, You’re not important!” kept popping up in conversations with my kids, spouses, relatives, and some friends whenever I finally would have had enough.
I am now taking back my life, one old unnoticed habit at a time. Which includes “letting the cat out of the bag”, a phrase I heard a lot as a child, because we were told/taught our relatives were way to nosy, and “what happens at home stays at home”. Looking back I can see my parents were just living out that which was done and acceptable to them, to us, because it was the way things were. Now, having knowledge and understanding I can consciously changing one more habit I had not noticed I was doing, to now consciously change my wording to “I Am Important!” Cause I R, I are, I Absolutely Are Important!