The stuff I hear, feel and sense before and as it happens. As I have been chasing, scaring, and startling people for years… with the words that just pop out of my mouth of exactly what another is thinking, desiring or experiencing. Being able to answer a question that hasn’t been asked or replying to an email almost seconds after it has been sent. Tuning in so vividly to another as to pick up the phone when they call, return a text, give the next answer in a game, almost a whirling dervish as I seem to appear out of the ether’s with the appropriate item, or reply. Wandering up to diagnose an animal, before someone even knew or asked what’s wrong as they looked strangely at me with my forth coming answer, and then they would quickly walk away looking at me crazily. To then come back days, weeks even months later, asking “how did you know?”
Struggling to fit in, to make some sense out of what I thought anyone could do. Slowly withdrawing further and further into my personal lair of safety, as the criticism caused me to find solace in my solitude with the animals. Till the curtain dropped again and again and then again, forcing me to either quit completely and buy into what the world was selling of how I should be… but the ringing sounds and sensations wouldn’t give way to the medication and prescribed treatment from examinations by those so book learn-ed as the male doctor who told me about my giving birth…
His description was textbook perfect; I was not due for another month. He had plans for the weekend, he would see me the next Monday and then we would talk. I told him he would miss it, for I “knew” my son would be born that Saturday. I was right, I was tapped in to life in a way I am now still learning is okay as I find my way back to what use to annoy others, yet it was the way I experienced each and every moment.
The “curse” of telling others what they prescribed was not the truth, at least not for me. This came home so solidly when I gave up on medicine and went to the horses to help heal me, after I struggled with medication and exercises that I was told “yes” the side effects might make me sicker before I was better, but it was necessary. Thanks, but no thanks… I chose instead the hour and a half decision to walk 80 ft, saddle my horse, leaning on and using him to get to the round pen, to then maneuver my way to throw myself up and off the other side. The whole while my horse stood there patiently waiting, as I finally struggled aboard and asked him to help show me what I needed to do.
To go from crippled with vertigo, barely mobile, half of my face paralyzed unresponsive… to first riding 3 horses in three weeks, to 5 or more horses daily with two to three lesson a day, each day feeling and looking better, more comfortable, more confident, healthier, physically, mentally and spiritually. To now almost 6 years later, amazed by what I have unlearned, re-thought and re-discovered I actually really did know all along, I just hid it away or disowned it in my attempt to not be so weird, different, and strange.
Funny how far we can try to run away, not realizing we are carrying ourselves with us no matter where we go. I appreciate everything I have been through. That I had to get to the middle of the tangle of my life to find a new, better, way to the truth of what beats at the heart of me.
Since this last weekend the awareness and sensing has gotten stronger, easier to tap into… there is only just a little uneasiness left. Which as I write these words I find I am still judging me, as I watch each word in each sentence appear… I am just not stopping, editing or changing, as I let myself flow out onto the page. I am alive, I am worthy, I matter to myself so much more than the noise of the world use to be able to talk me out of. I am here; I am unique, different, real and so connecting to all of the hidden closed off parts of me so long denied. I R Friske, I R Fantastic, I R am becoming more and more truly alive every day, as I find the truth for me in every moment, by feeling for how good it feels to be honestly me. I needed to learn to honor my feelings for me… FIRST!
Had to be discovered, uncovered, ruminated on, put down, picked up, knocked around, screwed with, listened to and cried about. Finding me in a search for the answer that has been perplexing me in the simplicity of knowing it was right in front of me, yet totally impossible to see as I continued to beat myself up in any and every way I possibly could find. For no other reason than the most important facts of all: stubborn, bull-headed, determined, non-quitter of anything I put my mind to… I can do somehow, some way, even if it takes years.
I so love myself for being so sure that I would find the answer, even as I commenced the game at the same level, for the umpteenth time in a row.,playing till I completely numbed myself to any feelings at all for success with the game, just so deeply involved with the frustrated tortured sensation in my gut, that spread to my shoulder, to finally find me feeling the uncomfortable sensation in my feet of being stuck in deep, painful, sucking mud. With a demand from the bus yard to attend a last minute meeting with less than 24 hours warning.
Thus stirring the cauldron of all ready seething frustration, and being told when I came in from my morning run… all would be shuttled over “together” in a bus, which meant more of my valuable time to be then tied up riding back when I was just minutes away from home with a client possibly sitting waiting should the meeting run to long.
I picked up the phone, called, explained my position to my boss to be granted permission to drive solo. Sat through the meeting of changes to be implemented next year feeling the growing irritation over my being stifled to move, flow and change at my own speed. The minute it was over I was out the door, drove home to find my house of 24 hours earlier of cleanliness and order… door opened, all the lights on, the computer blaring and only a portion of my youngest son’s chores done.
You got to be kidding… I was so mad, so angry, so seriously hurting everywhere, as I cleaned and organized my horses hay, water and feed. Re-digging the drainage line from the round pen to allow it to finish drying out from the much needed rain, and I felt this tugging at my soul, as I crumbled into a bawling mess begging the Universe/God to Help, Help, Help me!!!
The phone rang and I proceeded to be allowed to vent, rage, talk myself sane with my finest friend as we sifted and sorted through the feelings of such stuckedness we have both been struggling with back and forth these last few weeks. When she uttered the word salvation or surrender… something to do with all of our conversations about religious upbringing, when I felt the word “punishment” roll off of my tongue to cause this immense relief flood through me, as the full answer began to shape itself in my mind with all of the clues from the numerous conversations of the last month or so.
She had just reached her destination and would call me back later to share whatever the other came up with. I found myself in the need for a space of reflection as I pulled up my choice of meditation, took a deep breath and allowed myself to let it all go. Watching in fascination as my mind began to sort and sift the understandings that had so been puzzling me about my attention to detail, my ability to create immediately for others, my ability to feel what others need before they ask. The ability to read people and animals, to connect and communicate with everything and anything for anybody else but me because I follow the rules so well, just beat myself up and sabotage stuff for myself.
I felt the suggestion about “question everything” go drifting across my mind and the realization of all I do to myself when things go wrong suddenly made wonderful sense… I have trained myself to follow the rules, the law, and the statements of others as being factual, set in stone. Just because someone else “said so”. I have repeatedly punished myself for others beliefs having more rights than me.
Suddenly aware of all the times I have broken others rules or laws to come out handsomely, only to berate myself of the unfairness “it might cause” someone if they find out. If I was late, found money, discovered a different answer, or way to do things or any other millions of things I do that are different than was required… yet usually made a better, faster, easier solution. Just seemed to always make someone else feel bad or unhappy because of whatever reason would make them feel right.
I now realize I can make whatever laws or rules I need. There really aren’t any rules that truly apply to me except my own. I have rights, left overs, yes’s and no’s that apply to me…by me only. I can stop punishing myself for this feeling of not enoughness because I know that God is love. Complete unconditional, no rules, no absolutes, everyone is right, everyone is okay, all things are created and covered by the rule of connection. Everything fits and works somewhere, for someone, at some time, and it’s all okay.
The pains just melted, the frustration fizzled. The fear of being found out of doing it anyway that works for me…It’s all good. It all makes sense. We are all in this together because we and everything is made in God’s perfect image. This changing, adapting, improvising, and becoming, makes up our world. All the differences give us color, variety, change, creation, diversity and an assortment to choose from. I choose to love every part of me, anyone, and anything, it’s messy, dirty, clean, varied and it is life. Long live the freedom to choose… my own whatever, whenever, however, or why-ever!
A week of integrating and discovering more deeper levels of myself as I sift through the moments of the last 7 days of the adventure of my life always leading me to finding doors long closed by old ideas and beliefs shared by caring others for my own good. Which in this last week I have paused to actually stop and fully exam not only the belief, but the timing of where I was at mentally and emotionally that might have caused me to misconstrue what was originally intended. Many times extremely surprised how sometimes just a casual sounding or meant remark at the most inopportune time can cause such long linger grief. Self-sabotage to one person in a state of defense, from another only guarding their own precarious hold on their own sense of worth.
Allowing me an attempt to more understand the few still stuck places that have held the doors so tightly bound by fears of back lashes from situations that happened such an extremely long time ago. Just brought more to my awareness in the passing of three longtime friends, two of those within days of each other, and the last service showed me the key to what had felt like an almost impossible task. As I watched all of these people gather to share their remembrances, talking in small groups of family, friends, people supporting the grieving and children playing as they wait to be gathered to go home.
Each group holding an entirely different energy and belief depending upon their view of life up till this point, with some finding new strengths, some suffering souls are pounding the depths of sorrow, and some just filling up with food. I listened to several tales of his last few days, amazed at the different descriptions which were contained in the emotion the story teller was deep in the grip of. After I chanced upon several old time friends who gave their reasons for things to happen as they did, leaving me with a cauldron of brewing thoughts when I left and headed back home.
I spent the next couple of days on a roller coaster as waves of thoughts from my past, my old beliefs, and my ever expanding awareness to there being so much more to life than I was originally led to believe as a child. Schooled into me as a teenager, drummed into me in college, and taught to me through the many rules of jobs and relationships, until the year I became ill. Which now in looking back I am aware it was the only way source/God/Universe could answer my questions as to why did life seem so hard, why was love such a battle and what more could I do to find the place of love that I found when I would go outside, with the animals and nature.
In being sick, so sick of how things were, how much I hurt, how much I so struggled to understand… I went within. I tapped, I talked, I read, I did everything I was told to do to fix it. I exhausted every part of me and in an extreme need for relief from this inferno of confusion… I went outside and asked the horses to help me.
Almost 5 years later after turning loose and letting go of so many beliefs of others. Losing countless friends, animals, places of residence and a variety of jobs to finally, comfortably I find an answer I can live with and works perfectly for me. It is not others I look to for love, answers, or permission any more. I now know giving my life away…happens the moment I say no to me and yes to someone else first.
I have been waiting/weighting for permission to be me. I have expected permission to be granted for millions of things I do because it has been trained into me to fit in. I know that my dog waited till he knew I was going to be okay, I sat and talked with him, told him I loved him to much to make him suffer getting older just so I would have his companionship. I heard the story of my friend’s death who went in to the hospital from a fall, stuff was found, more tests were run and after the final results were told to him, he checked himself out, went home and died.
To give the power of my life away because another says their opinion is law, the truth. Afraid not, not for me, I have gone to many places, seen to many things that defy what many call law. I remember a story of some man having an incredibly cluttered desk and someone quoting to him “ a clutter desk, shows a cluttered mind”. So this person went searching till he found someone famous, that he appreciated who thought, lived and proved otherwise; Winston Churchill “An empty desk, shows an empty mind”. So I know about our own personal power, do we wait for approval to ride the icy slide as it slowly melts away, or do we dive off to have an exhilarating experience… for us. I choose to defy someone else’s odds of how it should be and now live my life freely, my way with the choices that resonate and feel right for me!
Last Wednesday, after some 585,000 plus miles, my diesel truck’s engine finally called it quits. It started fine earlier that 32 degree morning and took me to the bus yard, where I turned it off and parked it to await my return trip home. To find when I returned, turned on the key enough to then do the customary wait for the glow plug light to go off, then turn the key completely to start my truck and be greeted with the sound of clunk, clunk, rattle, rattle as it tried to unsuccessfully start.
I quickly turned it off, knowing full well what the sounds coming from under the hood signaled… my long time trusted, and loved ride needed more than financially makes sense. I called my oldest son, deeply saddened, voice quaking as I left a message. To then call my closest friend, who offered the extra truck they had till I could figure something out, as I would now need to actually step up to invest in picking a new truck from the few I had been making inquiries and gathering information about.
Funny how after the initial shock of about an hour or so, I felt this much needed sense of relief, as if so old heavy unforeseen weight/wait was attached to my sense of responsibility to my old ride. There was this feeling of freedom, like all of a sudden I could have my life any way I truly choose to. As I thought about what would truly excite me…
Getting up to having breakfast served for me, something different each morning, by exploring all the exotic recipes in a cook book, or living with someone who likes to surprise me with imaginary cuisine three days of the week and I provide the selections on the other 3 taking one day off to sample some place new, different, in a distant city?
Going out to start my day with a flavored experimental new hot beverage as I meander in my morning chores of feeding, cleaning pens and sharing the list of ideas for the days resume of well-paying clients for their lessons in horse handling, body and foot care?
Occasional visits to other horse establishments for group lessons, practice runs, trials and competitive adventures, many horse related, some air, some water, some just plain exploration?
Answering emails, texts and viewing videos from distant clients who pay for my discriminative, expect observation and suggestions for changes in the posed questions of the situations presented.
A man to live with…
Who is tall, talented, fun, focused, fit, friendly, inquisitive, inquiring, sharing, coaching, teachable, amused, content and entertaining? He is fascinated with life, confidant, able, healthy, funny, attractive, and sociable with a life style that compliments and enhances the relationship. Kind of healthy, wealthy and wise, mechanically inclined and mentally stimulating, with a klutzy appealing aptitude to find the good in at least trying something new each month.
Money that flows in from…
Working, playing, training, coaching, competing, thinking, writing, imagining the most impromptu ideas that cause expansion of thought and mind.
Intrigue me, encourage, invite and tantalize me with their response to my handling, teaching and then learning from them.
A vehicle that…
Is spacious, efficient, comfortable, classy, unique, and affordable that is easy to own and maintain to handle anything that is needed, necessary or just plain fun.
With a house/cabin, fireplace, clean, comfortable, different and elegant in its simplicity, with a spacious view, easily accessible to clients with the privacy to play on the days of rest.
Opening my arms to embrace…
The unlimited possibilities of the Universe as I now let go of the fears of asking for what I truly deserve and trust that any and everything is now possible in this new wide open playing field… of freedom from my yesterdays.
The last week or so has been a deep, slow, careful examination of all the rooms in my house. The castles from tales of old that I truly believe, each and every one of us are born into. This wondrous mansion of our mind with so many rooms of wonder and delight, that some of us are then scolded, corrected, shamed or told we are not supposed to go into because of someone else’s belief of what is right or wrong for us from their view. Causing us to slowly, but surely, close doors, board up windows, hide trash and treasures far away from us, secured, covered, barred and blocked from us, for our own well-being.
Till many years later, some incident causes us to stray from the pack. There might be scratching, sounds, feelings, or keys of interest that pull us back toward are beginnings, searching for answers when things no longer add up. As our more internal clock, our heart, beckons from the dark corridor we have hidden it in. Covered up by layers of should of’s, would of’s and maybe’s where the tiny spark of us that still burns in hope, awaits. Softly flickering, beckoning us to seek, open, try… something, anything other than what has been taught, schooled, and suggested is the only way.
I have been told that sometimes the experience to start the renovations is much like driving down the road a hundred miles an hour and you hit a tree. Run smack dab against the deepest, most special part of one’s heart, the place of hope and the answer that confronts you is so very wrong feeling. It goes so much against the grain, after you have worked so hard to achieve the brass ring of someone else ideals and your very spirit cries “Enough”. You may have had to pick yourself up several times in your life, as you continued to struggle toward this elusive goal. But this time, your body says “No” hundreds of times louder than ever before. With the pain of betrayal of self, evident in the extreme tiredness of any movement one single step further toward where you think you are supposed to be going.
That has been this last week. I received a reply asking me why from the stance of another, now, as a grown-up they wanted to know. I have tapped at least two or three hours every day, amazed at the doors, closed in my past from trying to get it right and fit in. Finding rooms overflowing with stuff that I took the time to go through and clean out. Finding some of it fixable, some of it perfect never even used, some of it just plain, simple, a whole lot of trash both blocking and behind the doors.
I have cleaned up the good, repaired the interesting, useable, worthwhile, and thrown out all things that do not mean anything to me now. Following the quote from “If when using a theory it doesn’t work on even one horse, then it is a tool, not a rule” from Cindy Hawk Sullivan. Realizing how much that works for a lot of my beliefs now sorted into the proper places in my life utility box of tool ideas that are useable some of the time when applicable or necessary.
I checked up on a lot of those old beliefs, realizing they got me through some era of my life. They have been thoroughly scrutinized for their roles, tuned up, changed, or discarded with total love and appreciation. I am free. I realize I owe no one. I am my own person. I chart my own course from now on. I am quite the sailor of my vessel, now that it has been updated, made ship shape, polished, restocked and organized to set sail on my chosen path of “Now”, right this moment toward loving and approving of myself. Every single cell, tissue, gland and part just like I am, because I am fantastic, I did it, I made it to today as I easily and readily cut the cord of my trash barge of beliefs from all my yesterdays.
I have had such a totally awesome, eye-opening 24 hours, all from paying attention to what I was aware of that felt good, and following the flow of what followed. Starting with my trip to work of taking my time, feeling out how good it would feel to have all of the things in my life just meld together in such away as to answer: What it is I need, and How can I help? To then feel this question bubble up inside of me of my still feeling on the brink… to an answer I have been seeking since forever. Which I knew what the question was the minute each piece almost magically appeared.
Starting with my retelling of the dream yesterday morning that woke me to a very special friend, who in her grace of truly being able to listen, told me I was not recognizing my own worth in relating to others. Feeling so sparked by her insight as I felt the nudge of recognition inside to my old habit of how “I” think another (in this case any of my family members) perceive me as the one who can accomplish the impossible… at their bidding, no cost to them, do the work, but you can’t play with us. Feeling the lack I over never being compensated for my help. It’s all been my own doing; I could so feel how I automatically assume they take me for granted, so they do.
To then have this incredible lesson with one of my owners who realized how out of balance she was in being able to easily lope the horse to the right and struggle to maintain her balance to the left. Which in working with horses, a rider’s balance is what a horse mimics, so most people easily make a connection with their dominant side, and falter from uncertainity with the untrained to lead side, till they learn to use all of their body in a balanced manner. She was so jazzed at the realization that she could easily lope in one direction and by the realization of the dominant side was trying to do it all. To then be shown how to adjust her feet and hands, relaxing and feeling for the horse, she could feel the leaning, and over exaggerating her practiced right handedness was trying to hold her body the same way for two different directions. So excited was she that she then paid for the next series of lessons for her and her husband. I then knew I was on the right path in my sudden awareness at excepting compliments and people paying me before I was next needed, because I am so very good and worthy.
I then continue on to drive thinking how often in the past my results so matched my expectations, now high on the realization I so do deserve. I am really getting into the awesomeness of the maroon tops of grass blowing, swaying, and waltzing in the passing breezes that I find I am quickly done with my route, to park my bus and check my phone to find… He has responded to me! Finding myself aware of every word he replied, but especially the last few. Where he stated “he has trouble letting people in”, all of a sudden I realized what has been happening the last year or so. I have been struggling in letting “Me” out! I have been hiding, playing it safe, just truly learning “Who I am”.
To have it occur to me a while ago while I was driving how freedom and unconditional love are the same things to me. These years of trying to relate my spiritual experiences and the way my life kept having these rigid, rough, interesting, ups and downs, accidents and recoveries. I have been judging things, not relishing my creation of all of this so I could better understand the wonderful, total acceptance I have experienced when during my several NDE. I now get that in viewing another person, situation or thing with unconditional acceptance is the freedom to observe or not, to get involved or not, to turn something on or not. To just allow something to be as it is. Whole, complete, as is where it is. The Freedom of the other thing is just a contrast for me to what I want more or less of, to buy into, or not, to fight against or honor. I now get that whatever choice I choose is mine. I now know if I do something to please or keep anothers love I am chaining them and myself to the burden of what’s going on to stay the same, and that is not possible because every moment is change or growth. Unless one wants to live in a stagnant pond, with no refreshing flow to stir things up and allow for the difference to move forward, breathe, and become. I know to well if I hold my breath long enough in stubborn determination to have it my way or else…I will pass out.
I choose freedom, unconditional love and allowing for things to change, to live, suffer, breathe or die because that is their choice. I so love my life, I so appreciate all that Joe Charles has ever done for me. Before when we were young, and lately in my minds visualization of being loved, having fun, just being all of me, okay, loved, and cared for. So reminding me of my choices of bondage in my youth to keep my family’s love and not trust myself enough to even think “I” might truly know what was best for me! Life keeps getting better and better.
I’ve been sitting in front of the computer on and off most of today. Several times intending to write, just not having the feel of what I want to put out on the page in a place of comfort. Funny that, because my whole intention when I first started writing was for and to myself, with the occasional input when I allowed another to view my soul’s stirring, which in many ways is exactly what always shows up on the blank space in front of me.
Allowing me to empty out the noise, confusion, interesting tidbits of my life, the poems and stories that come buzzing out of my heart, many of the latter two I have not shared beyond my mind in months. More interested or concerned as of late to my future aspirations. As I have been digging out from all of my life long habits and reactions to the various situations I had found myself consistently attracting. Now days much more aware of the energy of thoughts and ideas I display and the resulting scenario’s which then plays out to show me where I am at, what I am considering, and what I might do differently to change the outcome.All of this so very brought to my conscious awareness after I became aware of the Law of Attraction and several other laws that are part and partial to ruling the Universe.
In my learning about these and so very many other things in the last few years I have found that in understanding there is peace. In learning I have control over my life by the choices I make, I discovered “I am” totally responsible for my life. Giving up the blame game, the desire to make it about someone or something else, I have found the peace which for so long seemed to elude me. Till I became friends with me, my right to choose, say yes, say no, open doors, close others, start to read something, then put it back because it did not ring true for me. I had felt I was searching for a to do list, so I could fit in, grab the gold ring, become part of other’s ideas about me.
So here, sitting in front of the computer, with extreme outside heat (temp in truck stated 116) I did what felt like the next logical steps for me. I read several blogs, another few pages in my current book, finished the latest tapathon after doing the first half twice and taking a nap. To be woken by a memory of a meditation from 12 years ago about this place I would someday live, who I would be with, the entrance to the place, the view from the porch down to the open pasture, even the step down living room with a flat screen TV(interesting because they did not exist yet).
I looked up at my current list of affirmations to find a pattern in them that so perfectly scripted this visualization as a coming possibility. So enjoying myself, I set out to write out in detail this wondrous idea, dream, vision, expected coming attraction… To find myself feeling the uncertainties arising in my gut, arguing with my sanity, my right, my very being worthy of something so good. So I sat, tapped, felt, tapped some more, felt for who or what old wall was keeping me safe, quiet, non-committed, and I felt the fear of listening… for some voice or voices to come out of the ethers and tell me… No!
Surprisingly all I heard was the ceiling fan blowing overhead, the faint sound of the vehicles on the highway out front and the occasional laughter of my son in the other room. I could hear my own breathing, feel my heart beating, aware of the dryness in my throat. All because of one simple story, a memory that I relished, enjoyed and partook in. Periodically imaging the house, the driveway, the barns, the yard and the pasture… realizing I was afraid to believe I had the right to dream, much less have. Now with having written it, I am aware of the silence found inside from all this work of clearing out “the peanut gallery” and “other people’s opinion. The quiet, thinking, believing in myself which allowed my fingers to finally type, the sentences to form, the admittance of my goal to any who might partake in my latest musings.
That my life is and has always been my own, these words almost deafening in the wonderful empty awaken to create place in my head. This place of finding and owning me, myself and I is so liberating, so different, so ME!
The last few days of clearing out the fine layer of dust that seemed to cover so many areas of my life, (including the shelves, books, and eaves I am leaving for the dust bunny fairy). I have uncovered this vow that somehow, somewhere in the last few years of pulling out all stops to straighten out and understand my own magnetic aura of The Law of Attraction, definitely aware of the obvious stuff. Just wanting a closer view of why, where, when, and you’re kidding me I bought into all of that, which had been pretty much laying the path to all of the interesting scenario’s that have continued to grace my world in the last few years.
I discovered this vow in a conversation with another as I heard these words come out of my mouth “No one else around till I get him (my youngest) on the right track, grades up, headed to high school and responsible for himself.” I heard myself say it, and then I was so aware of the big wall I had erected to prevent any unintended, uninvited, or unimaginable excuses to dampen any possible, decent, tall, available male to be in my life. I literally have had this horrendous self-image of “what would someone else think?” I have been my own cage, cell, prison, from the thoughts of not having that part of my life together. Sheesh, what a thought, allowing my son’s behavior to rule my existence, though in retrospect it is actually kind of cool now, he asks for something, I check to see if he has done whatever chore or promised behavior is the current exchange ratio. No work, no anything, NO, NO, NO!
Suddenly the weight (wait) on my shoulder has vanished. His and others tons of fast talk, offers, begging, pleading, deals, are now cut off when they begin by a few simple words: Show me what it is worth to me! So in the realization of my new found freedom of total control of my life, my time, my thoughts, ideas, and expressions, I figured it was time to find out what or more like who, is out there. I went through the old sites I have not visited in years, reconfigured the words, pictures and information. Took a couple of the dating tests, to be amused at their five choices of answers for each question: agree, sort of agree, no opinion, sort of disagree, and disagree. To get the results back that maybe a computer thinks that is who I am by 25 questions, but I so know better and have enough sense to know I have cleaned up and cleared out so well. This tall, fortunate, family, fun, fantastic, smiling, athletic, horse interested ( if not involved up to his boots) will have the same idea of test and results on such a miniscule amount of information. To be summed up in specific paragraphs, depicting all kinds of things that are so way off in the world of other peoples opinions actually mattering.
Oh well, I have thrown a few pitches, sent out the clear energy of fun, laughter, all clear and full sails to each next moment. While I savor the joy of letting go of more unneeded, now recalled, and dissolved vows of celibacy till I obtained perfection for the peanut gallery. Woo hoo world, I am so on a roll!
Equals a phone call from someone you don’t know or would rather not talk to, so it’s sent to voicemail to be heard with the time to answer at one’s convenience or added to the guilt list to have to call back later. They called me, it’s polite to return the call, what will they think, how would I feel if it were me, etc. etc. etc. All of this noise going on in my head, over a phone call from someone whom I know that considering the time of day, I have a pretty good chance of hearing a very inebriated conversation. Writing the words out are even worse, because of the guilt, which takes me back to the brace found yesterday in letting out my horses for their grazing time.
The first one a sort of pushy, get out of my way… screech to halt, made to back up till respect was acknowledged. The second one, out of my way… what?? Okay, okay I will be back up. Darn female owner. The third, what do you mean I have to behave too? The other two are already free, okay, fine! The last one, started to raise his head and then thought, no, she is going to make me work for it, so slow, easy, listen, respect, then allowed to quietly go out to join the others.
My whole mind taking in this totally unusual pushiness in most of my horses, knowing today, in just a little while I will be addressing it when I go out. Just my awareness of the relief of unknown built up pressure, of evidently holding my breath to get my son out of the eighth grade and into high school next year.
Though after meeting with his counselors this morning and setting up the all the guide lines for the community service he is enrolled in for the summer. Having them state to him, in front of me, that “he” is responsible for “his” actions. How everything he does affects those around him. How all of his shenanigans have a domino effect on those he lives with. Where somewhere in that hour long conference, he went from fidgeting like the horses to get out, get away. He calmed down, focused on what was being said, and I swear this light came on that my life really has changed so much in the last almost 5 years. When I started on this road to only being responsible for me, and giving everyone else back the task of taking care of their selves.
I came home, hung up my Fireman’s hat, so wanting to sit down and just bawl… In relief, I made it to today! In amazement, the Universe really is assisting me to have the life I so desire and deserve. I just needed to get out of the way, follow the feelings of what I wanted because “I wanted it!” Not because it would get someone else off my back, to like me, love me, live with or work with me.
I am now learning to adjust my ability to take in only what feels good for and to me. If I find myself reading, eating, drinking, or participating in something that does not work for me at any given moment, I now know I can stop, put it down, turn it off or change my selection. Without judging whatever it is as being right, wrong, good or bad. It just isn’t for me right now and that’s okay. Having a variety to choose from is what makes life interesting, and sometimes the right selections of things I don’t like as they are, allows me the ability to be a creator and maybe create something more to my desires.
Suddenly I wish to thank every person I ever perceived as hurting, lying, cheating, leaving, hating or treating me badly, for setting me free to choose differently. I give up so looking backward in the feeling of loss or without, I now look at all the tools I have acquired to make selection based on what is best for me from the most important point of view of all… My own! I now thank all the struggle, conflict, changes, and defeats of the thousands of lights that burnt out or never came on to take me down trails that my inner self truly knew were not right for me. To embrace all the interesting learning curves which helped me to find the unique twist and turns that led me to this moment. As I now understand how I have been cautiously bracing myself for each step forward in this new found way of life, waiting for the past to jump out and drag me back. Instead of striding forward in control of my choice of direction to set sail and embrace all the wonders that are yet to come.