So much stuff to ingest, digest, assimilate, and ruminate upon as I find myself stumbling, bumbling, tripping and getting myself kicked in the process of thinking way too much, instead of comfortably and confidently feeling my way forward in the process of finding my way forward to all of me. This person I am more becoming everyday as I strip away all of the encompassing layers of doubt as to my rights and capabilities to move from the safety of this corner I find that “I” have tricked myself into believing is enough.
It’s been safe… it allows people in incrementally for me to teach, learn, understand, watch and observe as I much different ways of personal boundaries from paying attention to the horses, life is not at all as I have learned or expected it to be. I have found the cause of the stuck feeling, the sense of watch, wait, learn, wait, smaller, slower, wait again, look closer, get right up next to it… and an alarm goes off, someone walks in, a movement to fast to just get finished in time, for someone else’s nod of approval, acceptance, an avalanche of rules and guidelines about life, the customer is always right, take care of others, this is what is promised as it is spelled out in plain black and white on paper.
To find myself sitting in front of the computer, moments after finally watching a movie that caught my eye weeks ago, which contained an answer I was seeking from within. From the words that bubbled up days ago when I awoke about how I keep “hedging my bets”, by not putting all my eggs in one basket, and keeping my life on hold till I get it right.
I met the most attractive man a few weeks ago. He is kind, friendly, interesting, cowboy/horseman, who approached me because of my jingle when I walk (I wear spurs because I ride almost every day). We had chatted once before in another store, now as I strode past him, and in his need to follow his path back to his love of horses. He did an about face and tracked me down. The Universe aware I needed his conversations about horse training as much as he did mine.
We have become friends, awakening and recognizing the hunger that is fueled when one gets to talk about their passions to another on the same level with an understanding of the drive to ride, to move, to breathe, to become one with a horse. Finding the mutual respect for another on the same path we have spent several hours talking, texting, and emailing across the spans of several hundred miles from his home place, till his work brought him back to this area. Where he stopped by to visit, eat, chew the fat and play with the horses. Though on one of the visits as he stepped out of the truck I had an epiphany of so many of my desires walking toward me, to be further amazed when as we were out back at the pens, as he casually walked up to one of bars, to bend, twist, and rewire it into place.
To the simplest of minds, one might think I would move forward and say something. Nope. Not me, I sat on it for the next few days. I held my ground, shut my mouth and tried to talk myself out of it. Which then caused the awareness of what “hedging” was about… I am not honest with me. I think way too much, trying to rationalize, categorize, or socialize what I should do.
It’s the awareness of my latest habits that have finally been uncovered, after I took the time with the horse whose hoof print’s bruise is still slowly being absorbed back into my body. To slow down, truly feel, watch, and observe where the unexpected lashing out came from. This horse has enough old scars of having been patched back together that could take years to uncover the stories of how. In the five days here after the escapade, I discovered there is a particular place he will kick out at as he moves to get whatever is there back into his line of sight. A blind spot, a place to protect, because he had been injured there, he can’t move comfortably out of it, or a reaction to whatever originally caused it.
Whatever the reason, somewhere from his past, he has been reacting without thought, just habit and instinct. The horse chiropractor is due this next week, he will be adjusted and now trusts that someone is assisting him to find a better way to be with people. He has also taught me how my trust was all out of sorts, to the point I “use” to not speak up for me, not always when I write, I like the pieces more like this one that just flows, appears on the page. For me to copy, take to Word Press to paste, edit and then post.
Thankfully I have found a wonderful new friend in this man, that when I told him how gorgeous he was and how well he fit many of the things on my list. Applauded me for my honesty of telling him exactly how I felt (even though it took three or four days). He understands that I admire him, he’s awesome, and it’s okay to savor, and maintain our friendship, because I matter. To me this man, the horse, my listening to the voices in my head are just signs from God that I am being led toward all of my hopes and dreams. As I learn to get out of my own way and surrender to the guidance that keeps showing up, even when we aren’t paying attention… God just sends another, and another, and another. Allow, trust, and honesty all for me to do for me, myself and I!
A unique 48 hours living with the feeling that I have been somehow still separated from all of me. So like many other things in my life I have been paying attention, looking around at the circumstances and allowing life to show me the mirror of my inner conflict. Which has caused an interesting stream of information to cover my buffet of life, much of this bringing up feelings, stories and situation I had been so extremely sure I had dealt with and laid them to rest till last night’s freshmen football game and the introduction to a new interested male into my life.
My horses as per usual keying me into different faucets of the scenarios before they actually came about, starting with the typical interest of another via an old internet dating site I occasionally decide to peruse. When I do, allows my ad to evidently become more current to catch the eye of the newest seekers, shown by interesting mail in my email folder, to where I went on line, read their profile, aware of the groan in my gut, and then answered it anyway. As several other things were of interest, and flirting is fun, so I sent off a quick reply. Then spent the next few hours in this place of unknown fear, as all of the hidden concerns about where I am currently at in my life, and how that might appear to another reached out and got my full attention. I was amazed, dumbfounded, and fascinated there was this much reaction to a simple query, but there it was. So I waited, felt, fretted, then talked myself into sanity of the fact that I can only deal with something when I know it exists. So I did with a few simple emails, each time checking with myself, with each word I typed, then I would send, receive and process each step accordingly.
Which led to last night’s first home game for my youngest son’s freshmen team and an interesting meeting with my older sister. We were catching up on the summer, and the her last class reunion as she told the story of one of her friend’s and how she was finally, officially, out in the open, dating the guy that everyone knew she had a thing for (evidently in my sister’s circle) so was now seeing. My entire system jumping to full alert, my mind going back to my life in high school and college, over the two guys I had such great friendship, love and admiration for…yet they did not fit my parents standards, curriculum and goals for me. So I walked away, did otherwise, always surprised when either’s picture shows up and the intense desire to know “What if?” now almost 40 years later.
So imagine my complete surprise to find one of them in my dreams, telling me he is in Mexico, he has been just now able to decide to find me, but has been kept away because he is so many things not on the list of the “right guy”. I woke up sort of puzzled as to why now, I have not dreamed of him so specifically, ever to my recollection. I went about today wondering what gives. To have several circumstances with the horses being wishy washy, finally getting them and the rider on trakc. Have several items owed for, but I do what’s right, allowing the one to pay to walk away and not ask for services rendered today. I know they will be back tomorrow, I just am so uncomfortable asking for my money, right now, today. I take this feeling of inadequacy back with me to drive, thinking and feeling for resolution…but nothing.
I come home and start looking for something to distract me, anything else other than worry for the answer which is not yet coming. Finally two internet games later, I find a game that is fast, different, and intriguing enough to fully engage my mind. I allow the answers to appear; How can another give to me if I cannot and will not give to myself. I have not allowed myself to explore the venue of relationships with another in almost three years. Because I have been successfully attracting those that fit a totally made up list over what sounded good. Based on height, occupation, mustaches, physique and the like…none of it really deep down true or what truly matters.
It’s all based on outside perception. Not a sense of feeling, the ability to know, the snapping to of my intuition to full attention, as all of my senses become aware. My very being knowing him, this long time easy feeling of friendship, this person who gets me, and I him. I do know the feeling. I have managed to do an entirely fantastic job of turning off each and every faucet that would allow me to function as all of me in this respect. I have separated myself from my biggest fan, lover, and friend…ME! I so apologize to myself for thinking I owed it to anyone to be untrue and disloyal to the most important being any one of us has the glory to know, honor and love.
Batten down the hatches, full speed ahead… I am allowing and honoring my right to have whatever and whoever it is I damn well please! 😀