First time in a very long while that the desire to write actually brought me to stop, sit down and just let my fingers follow the awareness’s found today.
This morning found me busy, doing all the things so that everything was in place, and ready for my two Sunday lessons. Round pen watered, horses fed and hayed, all equipment out, available and in place, with a last minute check to see if anything else needed to be done, so that things were just right.
Two hours later, found my students happy, successful, sweaty and glowing with their personal accomplishments. And me in the conflict after scheduling the next set of lessons, even earlier in the morning to avoid as much of the Texas heat as possible.
I was soaked in sweat, hair, shirt, most of my jeans, but at least my socks and shoes were dry and though heavy easy to slip off as I walked back into the welcoming cool of the house. After tending to the washed and watered off lesson horse, to send him and the other two loose for the rest of this Sunday. Aware of the feeling of my every thought, the heat, taking care of all others first, the reality of how great my place looked in perfect order.
Yet I could feel something was off. Aware of the tiredness from last night’s closing shift at 11, in bed by 12 to the early alarm at 7. All of this calculating, planning and double checking… felt off. I got myself some more water, started up a solitaire game, turned on some Abraham Hick’s, to feel the words soaking through my last few weeks of house cleaning to get to the bottom of this peculiar off feeling, permeating my skin at every move.
My eyes became heavy, as my entire body demanded rest, I flipped on a meditation and allowed it to take me away. Awakening to this feeling of recognition of an answer… to find the upside down heart my meditation afghan had formed, tossed off in my body’s desire for super cooling down. The answer ringing in my ears, as I replayed, then wrote out the entire end of the Abraham from earlier to truly let the words sink in, of my “chronic thoughts, that I’m thinking on a really regular basis, that fly in the face of who I really am and what I really know and it’s thoughts like the source within me knows that I am destined to fantastic success and than I am taking score of where I am and doubt that from time to time the source within me knows that there is no competitions. As I sometimes see others in what they are doing as competition and I feel that discomfort in that the source within me knows that what I think I want is still going to expand still further. In other words I haven’t even begun to tap the resources that are flowing to me…”
All of this belief in competition, my opinion of any other, what they are doing, wearing, breathing, speaking trying, becoming or thinking of me. Is not any of my business. It takes me away from feeling good! Away from being enough, better, or worse. It’s a habit of thought brought on by years of buying into “everyone elses opinion” of me matters, so that must mean I must either live up to their expectations or they must live up to mind. How crazy my life has been by believing in standards, trying to fit in, stand out, not fit in or even be seen.
When I felt the satisfaction of remembrance of each and every time I have ever created anything. Always caused, by an impulse, inspiration, awareness, or sudden idea that just “Felt Good” and I followed it. Not caring, not planning, just living fully, completely, in the moment. Reveling in my ability to connect to Source within me. With it’s Guiding, leading, dancing, co-creating the perfect solution for whatever had just caught my attention. To now be viewed in an entirely new way.
I’m back to being just me, doing living by finding and doing everything that feels good! 100 percent just playing and reveling with my fine tuning to be more and more me each and every moment of every day! Everyone else is off the hook to just be who they be!
I bless you are feeling fully present.
May the space of time you read this post in, also be time you take to breathe a little deeper. May it invite you to allow yourself to consciously receive love, from God, Source, All That Is and Me to you.
I am at peace here. My months of clearing, cleaning, and reestablishing my priorities for Me… Found me meditating, reflecting and spending many hours soaking up the time of re-discovering my true self with the joy in just being in my life and with my horses.
The first part of this year I was beginning my journey with Scoozi. With our series of starts, stops, stalls, flips and an abrupt dismount. I started to ask myself a lot of questions about what it is that “I truly do and have always wanted to do with my life”? How could I best serve in a way that is useful, unique, and true to me? In a way that felt…. right… fun and all ME!.
This time allowed me to truly look at, revise and reassess my past experiences. Finding the best way to see each memory that came to mind. Aware from my recent reminder of Wayne Dyer’s “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” A new, deeper list of self intentions was born.
Because I have become so clear in my desire to listen to my deepest dreams. To truly connect with my horses despite a very busy world of suggestions, directions, ultimatums and others ideas for me. I was able to align with my innate truth without allowing the world to distract me.
I have becoming more fluent in Horse/Human/Self connection. Aware of my old buried roots of intuitively knowing how to truly listen, feel, and connect with horses and peoples “feelings”… Because I know so thoroughly about shutting down my own personal unique ideas, for the reasoning’s from others. “Shut up, do this, wear that, because they said so.”
I have become more fluent in Self… Owning my walk, talk, looks, dreams, desires and abilities.
Supporting others by truly listening to what they hope they are saying. Versus what their bodies, inflections and words are actually communicating. Assisting them in finding their truth, their voice, their own unique signatures and styles.
I am back, and aligned with my true self. Sharing this because it’s so important to carve out time to listen to one’s heart whisper, to listen and discover… what is calling.
To recognize having a desire to learn something, to align with a cause, to start something new, or and this one is tricky – to let someone or something go…
Be brave, dear one, trust your gut…
Drop the current narrative for just a moment.
Listen… your heart is calling you.
And watch for the magic that unfolds!
In the few days since I last sat here to write, I have been enjoying the silence of finding and turning off the enormous ghost engine which has for years quietly been running my life. Fascinated by not only the peace and quiet that suddenly finds me at different moments in the day, but so enjoying the comfortable feel of my new found freedom of choices in changing many of my day to day routines and habits. As I become this person I always knew was locked away somewhere inside of me, scared, scarred and to intimidated to come out to venture into the light of full time view by any and everyone else.
The years of blame, frustration, and accrued misunderstanding from thinking it was always something outside of me causing my current problems. The feelings of being stuck on this eternally spinning wheel with no way to step off to walk out the door that always stood beckoning just moments or steps away. Constantly moving, shifting, and accomplishing so very many things for the pleasure and success of others, while I kept up hoping and waiting for my turn of more than the few, short durations of success. Where I would then find myself back at square one, having to start over, scratching my head and many times beating myself up over my inability to at least find a more balanced, stable place.
I have been enjoying myself, finding myself deep in meditative thought as I continue to savor the uprooting of that long time sacred belief about rules. Cleaning, riding, playing with the newest colt in training as I enjoy the ease I find in working with an animal who has no past schooling or drama to undo. Pleasurably asking, receiving, rewarding and enticing him to bigger, newer, and more expansive understanding into how to communicate with humans in his third week of training. So loving the ease of his big body, softly responding to each move he finds a comfortable, rewarded response to, as he has learned I fully well know the spot on the crest of his neck that I massage and scratch at each interval between the steps I ask for that he moves in the direction or manner of asking. Totally entertained by his willingness to show off how well he listens, with his occasional asking for the reward before I offer and his ability to then continue until I signal for the time of the reward.
Finding in the last day or so, a question from one of my readers if in my unearthing of this last layer was this all there is, as far as I might be going? As I was pondering her question I had several things all happen within the space of a few hours to bring about the answer I think she and all of us seek. When I was cleaning my kitchen floor, moving each piece of furniture and appliance, I suddenly became aware as I unearthed my son’s stack of flavoring packets stuffed behind the stove, just a few inches away from the trash can. This feeling of thankfulness and understanding I have of him as being the much needed teacher “I” created for me to understand how much of my power I have been giving away to others by blaming them for how they act toward me. I did not know I had the rights to have my own beliefs and ideas. I did not know I was in charge of my own life. The wave of appreciation flooded over me as I understood all of the upheaval, frustration and rage that I had so thought was because of what others were doing to me. I had been responsible for all along. I had all of this power to change it at any time, but had so bought into I wasn’t allowed, I wasn’t good enough. I was all of these things except powerful enough to create exactly any and everything that had, is and will happen to me.
Wow, talk about a truly clean peaceful kitchen and my insides.To then find myself once again doing a training session with the young marvel, who has now advanced to a bridle, riding inside and outside with the other horses turned loose to ride through or left in their pens. When the loose horses happened to venture near the place on the edge of the round pen where this youngster when turned out to play, they all usually exchange greetings, nips, and grooming. To find my steed completely ignoring me in his attempt to connect in this daily ritual as the two leaders came up and inquired for him up next to the pen. Which then found me for the next 5 or 10 minutes helping him to understand the difference in behavior by himself with the group, or with a human companion directing the dance, as I caused him to realize the change in dynamics, I felt a long time favorite saying, proudly pass through my head. Then abruptly caught myself when I realized what I have been telling myself all of these years and then have perfectly to the letter, been living it out.
The bells of awareness went to clanging, the signals of “change, be aware, and change this now” to then repeat slowly out loud the words… “I always have done the impossible with nothing” and “I have always waited till the last minute to get things done and then accomplish the impossible”. Knowing these phrases so perfectly describe the hamster wheel of my life acquired sometime in my youth when I discovered I could read at an incredible rate, recall almost all the information, to be able write out, complete or be tested on with absolute accuracy, to the point of being one others sought out to do their reports and stuff for cash.
It had been a great accomplishment that I had literally and figuratively taken to heart. Just not understanding or crediting myself with the power of my words in creating all of what has been an extreme roller coaster ride of having things, then back down to nothing and then amazingly have things work out.
Yes it “had” been great, it was fantastic that I survived my creations…but, I now choose to live, think, and feel more in the moment, as I discover and change the habits that are now more noticeably coming to the forefront for me to actually see, recognize and take full responsibility for, to choose, and change to whatever I now desire to have, be or become. Life is fantastic, such a wonderful playground to experience, understand, and create as I open myself up to the many differences I use to fear from the stance of thinking my life was dictated by someone or something outside of me. Instead of my connection to the Universe who created me to experience life from the perspective of me, just like I am, with my own personal dreams, desires, choices and outcomes!
Now that I have figured out that maybe I should be listening to these voices (thoughts) that seem to occupy my mind when I am not fully focused in the moment. Which I have found for me that equates fully engaged with all of my focus and my feelings allowing me to flow in perfect harmony with what I am doing. If I am not comfortable with how I am preceding… the voices start, though now I pay attention to what the thoughts feel like, where the belief might have come from, and whose idea was it any way. Having the memory surface from some self-help book about how this writer had a messy desk and was told “A cluttered desk makes for a cluttered mind” so he researched till he found someone famous who thought otherwise and had the success to back it up, Winston Churchill who said “An empty desk is an empty mind”. The perfect thought to allow me to continue with making friends with my thoughts and changing each one that feels uncomfortable. I now know that an old thought/belief can be no longer valid for me.
To then catch the sound of song playing in my head most of today “Slow down you move to fast, got to make the moment last”. Fascinated I listened, discovering my whole self-felt good about the tune and the words, so I decided to go with the directions. Slowing down when I felt tight or in a hurry, really looking at the situations first. Having a few horses freeze framing, stopping to suddenly pull their head up, to try and look at something that had caught their interest, which it took me until the third horse before I got the message of I tend to allow others to walk up with their affairs, allow them to change the subject so that I will forget where or what I am doing so I am then available for their wishes.
The same thing in a different format where several of the horses were pulling so hard, not wanting to give, literally trying to drag me forward with their heads or dancing sideways in an attempt to get me off balance so they would be able to quit moving, stretching, exercising, and just stand there stuck in their old body frame of discomfort. Instead of allowing me to assit them through the first few steps of therapy till the ease of release arrives. All this acting up like suddenly they so need me, that when I check with my gut, it’s just a song and dance that I attract of “give all of yourself to me I am more important than you are so will you please do this for me, you’re so much better than I am at it” My son with his last ditch attempt to avoid the chores because of school and football, when the song started playing again in my head this evening.
About the time I started to say something after a whole hour of his promising to go get done before it got dark. I heard this voice of reasoning that just because I was getting him to do it by using the phrase “You got to learn to earn” maybe I should notice how it felt. I shuddered it was an awful way to view life. I knew where the beliefs came from growing up with “think money grows on trees, you got to work for it, and nobody gets anything for nothing”. When the thought of why can’t it just be given to you, flowed through my head.
My mind working hard for an example to make some kind of sense of that unexpected thought. Then I felt the memory of the “leave a penny, need a penny” on most store check-out counters. The odd times when someone would offer the change needed to keep from breaking a five or ten. The times when someone would open a door just to be nice, suddenly aware of all of this is just exchanges of energy. Which somehow has been learned as instructions of drudgery, work, toil, struggle, have to’s and or else’s. I felt this big sigh of relief as I became aware of I have only allowed a little of the energy of ease about money in. Because I had so bought into I had to work for every little thing. I now find myself trying unsuccessfully to teach it to my son, but it doesn’t feel right, not yet. But I will figure out a way to get this energy exchange to make more sense in my head so I can feel good about actually living the way. Then I can share it with him and others. Now it’s just in the awareness stage, but that is such a step in the right direction