I stopped myself this evening from reading any of my other emails after reading the blog of “Astrology Mon Ami” on Word Press as I felt the feelings come together to help me to finish sorting through this last week of truly feeling and knowing things are about to happen. Though this is helpful because it allows me to prepare for the events that then follow… It is a whole lot to wrap my mind around, and be fully okay with.
Last Sunday I felt the urge to go see a long standing cowboy friend of mine, to show him my new truck and just have a general friendly talk. As I pulled into his place I found it rather quiet, not like the usual quiet that occurs when one visits and the owner is absent. This was more of a blanket of calm, awaiting silence before the next page is turned. Feeling myself destined for another time for this meeting, I drove on back home, to find images of him frequenting my mind. With such urgings I went to call him and discovered when my phone had updated the other day… his number had been lost.
Not one to easily be thwarted when there were such internal urgings. I chose to go on Facebook and connect with him there, where when I went on line a mutual acquaintance connected with me about there was being a benefit for this cowboy who was now in the hospital. When I asked what was up, she gave me the news, he had been having problems and they were running tests that he needed prayers and which hospital he was in. So by Wednesday night I made plans to go the following evening to see him, going to bed that night with my next day fully planned out how to get done with my stuff early with plenty of time to visit with him.
Thursday morning found me deep in a dream where I was visiting him and he was telling me how well I was doing as a trainer, coach and teacher. Plus what a great ability I had in healing that I needed to be more confident about. I woke up feeling really positive about the dream and our visit later that day. Went to work, all things just flowing together, everyone on time, ease of traffic, checked my bus back in and hurried home to get my chores and horses tended to. When to my shock the phone rang and a friend was calling to tell me the cowboy had passed away earlier that morning…
I sat with the remembrance of his last visit, the dream and the reality of now. There was no sadness, I knew him well enough to know he truly loved living life. He would be the type to go quickly, get on with whatever the next thing would be. Just the rest of the day I kept feeling his energy as I would ask for things with whatever horse I was on and felt this encouraging sense of what would make it better or easier. Then the getting in touch with those I knew who would appreciate knowing when and where the services were.
To then find my newest filly in training limping, holding her leg yesterday morning, which found me wrapping it with magnets and turning her into a bigger pen so she could have more space to move about since standing still was causing it to swell and movement is life. As I came home last night to check on her, I find my old dog has done something to his back paw. I get him to sit down while I investigate it and find the last outside pad hot and tender to the touch, with him nudging my inquiring hand away. In finding nothing bleeding, no definite sight of an intrusive injury, I set up his heat lamp, fix him up comfortable, feed all the critters and go to bed.
To wake up this morning to a cool, soft gray, comfortable foggy morning, and as I walk out to feed, my old dog is now dragging that same paw. I hurry up and check him, then quickly feed the horses and the dogs. With him just sitting there waiting on me with these really sad, tired eyes. So I sit, I talk to him, I have this long, loving reassuring (to me and to him) conversation of how great our almost 10 years have been. How awesome a coyote defender he has been and what a wonderful job of being my best friend and guardian he has done. If it is his time to go, I understand, if not help me to know what to do next. He lays there for a while, big soft eyes searching mine, then he sighs, gets up, moves over, turns around, lays down and sighs again like all of this is just so much more than he can help with.
I leave him to go get my coffee, breakfast and periodically check on him, to find he has moved around several times. Once to lay looking out at the pens, then in the direction of the other dogs and the last time I look out he is laying on his big old paws looking at the house. I ask my youngest as he walks out the door to go check on him, as I don’t see him even wiggle an ear when the door opens. Even before he touches him I know, Michael is gone…
Wow, in a week, all these sensing, knowing, advance information. Two longtime friends, both massively in love with living life to the fullest, neither one the type to slow, down and just wait to get old. I get it. I know life is about living, it is about moving forward, loving with all we have and that means enough to let them go… however, wherever and whenever they choose. I appreciate my ability to sense things, really I do, I am just so very aware of all that I have learned about how I can choose at each moment to love what is going on and understand it… because even in death it is what is…LIFE!
It has been almost two weeks since I have posted anything on the internet. Not that I haven’t written, sorted, or blogged in my mind. Just nothing quite came together in the right way to explain or feel right for where I now find myself with a much changed mind and focus, as I finally have found a really close answer and description to a place I have been several times in my life.
Once from an incident when I was very young (about 2 or 3) when I swallowed my tongue and remember being overhead as all of these people down below were resuscitating my body as I watched, and these glowing beings told me it was not my time yet. The second incident was in a time of extreme peril, my life so precarious, hanging by a thread of sanity, desperately wanting out, to find myself fervently praying and suddenly enveloped in this golden comfortable light. No words, just a deep understanding I would be guided and things would work out. Then the last episodes; one year after shattering my wrist and just done with the third surgery, to be informed I would only have 35% functionality of it for the rest of my life. To have my mom ask me to join her on a healing retreat in Canada as her companion in an effort to have her cancer healed. Where when the second blessing of the weekend found me engulfed in an incredibly hot, bright, wondrous light which spread from his hand on my head, to course through my body into my wrist in this intensely, directed healing energy. Which left absolutely no doubt in my mind of the complete healing, beyond all speculations, to be later confirmed by my follow up visit to the surgeon in the xrays of unexplainable changes in my wrist in the two weeks since the surgery.
Though I knew that was not nearly as important to me as the experience from the last day of the retreat when he laid his hands upon my head and I was suddenly immersed in the most incredible, totally encompassing place of unconditional love and surrender. That I was able to bathe in and re-immerse myself in repeatedly until I got back home and drove up into my house’s driveway… to see this immense dark gray cloud hanging over it. Causing me to then find myself for the last 21 years wondering how to explain it, get back to it, understand why I was allowed it, and what did I do that was so wrong or awful to lose it.
The last two weeks have helped me find my way back to get back to there and make sense of all of the pieces in between. How to describe it to another, that it is and always has been okay… to be different, unique, amazing, interesting, sure, confused, excited, curious, weird and even bad (in someone else’s eyes or my own) as last week when I was driving the bus I found myself going down the highway to be enveloped into this totally consuming, nowhere to actually see in the total dark, accept moments in front of me, in the deep, white, non-assuming, non-particular completely engulfing fog. My headlights neither affected nor penetrated it; it held no judgment of where I was coming from or headed toward. There was no sense of time, or place. No caring about the past or the future… just a deeply, all encompassing, dense, yet comforting, non-prejudicial in differentiating between the sky, the dirt, the road, vehicles, trees, animals, or anything. It touched and covered it all. Lovely, dense, thick, and covering every single thing was this fog. Which I trusted I could still easily find my way by feeling and being totally present in this cocoon of wonder that stayed with me for almost a full thirty miles. Opening my mind to the memories of each of the former incidents, and my new awareness of a way to describe and feel this deep personal connection with source to another.
Though in my first attempts of trying to write it down to share, I kept feeling I needed to wait. There was more to this than just finding the feeling… So I allowed my life to just be… in each moment… wait… listen… and observe… let the connecting dots show themselves. As I watched the myriad puzzles of my past come together to show me the trail of the dance of drama that has so been the sticking point of my life. I watched in fascination as my mind kept expanding and opening as I found the threads in my own family, then friends, then the connecting dots to their lives, their past, their lineage. Each point of pause rewarded in the passing of the wand of despair, anger, confuse, struggle, frustration, love or whatever belief in the next movement forward.
All being passed generation to generation, in the purity of how and what love is, was taught to them. Suddenly shifting my awareness from blame to understanding, to peace as I “understood” there is no right or wrong, we are all truly just living with what we know, understand or experience up to each moment. It is always are choice to choose, to learn more, differentiate, understand, love, hate, make the best of it or otherwise. The Universe, is so like the fog, it covers us whether we notice, curse, love or ignore it from inside of ourselves…I know it always chooses to just love us all, so very much more than we might have learned!
Seems like a simple enough question to be asked and in some ways very easy to just answer by popping off the first thing that comes to mind if one is just in a casual sort of conversation. Just now days I intend to honor myself and another with a thought out answer that feels exactly where I am coming from and where I am expecting to eventually be…
Why do I get paid to play with people and horses? Because I love the feeling of connection of two separate species learning to dance and communicate as partners. Each one being who they are, yet connected in movement with an ease and flow that allows each to feel the beauty of life, happening, alive, flowing like a stream in an easy, soft, effortless nonverbal form of communication. Where there appear just subtle motions, to be answered by a lowering of the head, the raising of the back to move in refined coordination with the leg so gently suggesting short or long stride forward, sideways or back. Always in an effort for asking and responding in the simplest feel of whatever movements each rider finds for their connection to their horse.
The lesson tonight a perfect example of teamwork, communication, and caring as the rider had her third ride on her young horse who has been in training now for the last month or so, while she was learning on my little mare how to ask for the movements she experienced this evening . The thrill of watching the two connect, some suggestions taking a little more time than others, as the two found their way to the communication that would work best between them. The rider, tickled at how easily the two of them were doing many of the slow work with simple, easy cues, and how quickly this freshly started horse would snap to do what was asked. My eager student was kidding me as she was leaving that maybe on the way to the airport next week before her trip, she could sneak in one quick lesson instead of missing the whole week…
Why do I own the horses I have… There are hundreds of horses that are constantly being offered to me and have been here in training. They all have different personalities, colors, sizes, breeds and sexes. Many are absolutely fantastic to ride. But I don’t want to own them all. I love being able to ride, teach, and play with them. Just there’s this moment, something lights up, and there is this unmistakable urge/desire to have to own a particular one that no logic sometimes can be made of it. There was one that I fell for the first time I saw him. I pulled over, admired the young horse, then went up to the horse barn and asked about him. To hear the price, so many thousands of dollars out of my range, so I took the next logical step and went to work for the place. Learned to handle all the young horses, even the joy of being the first one to sit upon him, as I relished every step he and I took in the learning process.
Things changed, they hired a professional who moved all the young stock to his facility and he wasn’t hiring. So I sighed, and left, walked away, let it go, moved on. Went to work with other horses, with him out of reach, and out of my mind, till three months later, they called, he was for sale, I said no I did not have that kind of money. They told me the price was now a tenth of what it was before. I got a loan, a halter, my trailer and within 24 hours had him home. To have the most incredible 19 years with a horse that was sold as a washout, who went on to when over thousands of dollars, 55 buckles for my students and me. While teaching hundreds of students to ride. It is so amazing what love, desire, belief and knowing can do.
Why… do I buy the clothes I wear, the food I eat, the drinks I choose, the truck I drive, and live the life I do? Because it fits me, I like the way it taste, the way it fits, the way it sounds, way it feels. I know me, better than anybody else. I am now responsible for figuring out what does or does not work for me. And no I cannot explain the feeling of knowing…its just there, deep inside, it
makes no sense to anyone else. To tell you the truth it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me…I like it that way, I love being able to choose because I know why…it just feels right, so that means it fits me perfectly!
Spent the last two days dissecting the little pieces I can feel beckoning me to wait, feel, there is so much more to this item you have uncovered. There is another view, it is just moments away if you will wait it might now unveil itself to you… So I rode, drove my route, fixed a meal, and played a few games, knowing there was something in the last bit of detective work which led to my son’s attitude and health improvement, that as I went out to check on the water running in one of the horse troughs. I spy the horse in the pen next to the one being watered, on her knees with her lips stretched out as far as possible as she reached over to pull the hose out and onto the ground.
“Aargh, leave it alone, I am not supposed to be all of yours babysitter. And as the words poured out of my mouth I felt the nudge, knew I had just stumbled onto another twisted knot. I felt instinctively the all alert, knew it was the right word and thought, of the answer that had been barely there in my foreground. I now knew why I have been attracting so many of the clients that I love it when it’s fun. But so dread when I have to clean up the mess that comes from inexperienced riders, who have lost interest in the lesson and suddenly become demanding prima donna’s (brats).
I could feel so many years worth of training taking care of my little sister, cause she was little. My older sisters when we went out, cause I was the tom boy, bigger, stronger and so uninterested in who was interested in them. (I would stand my ground and basically run the guys off for being mean). My original clientele were the ones everyone else had given up on or didn’t think they had the chance. Causing me to develop a base of clients whose parents sent their kids with me. Yes we had fun, yes they won, yes others copied many of my techniques. I was well known for doing the impossible with nothing.
Yet now in dealing with my youngest son, and the change of clients this summer, I am aware of the habits trained into me to take care of another far and above myself. I feel the old babysitter, mom mentality… take care of the kids, the helpless, and the brats. Straighten up the messes, give pushes of encouragement, applaud when they win, wipe their tears when they cry, and then wait your turn to be noticed or paid.
You’re just a girl, you’ll get your turn, hold your head up, let them borrow yours, and the biggest of all… some horse goes careening out of control while everyone stands, screams, cries and does nothing. Step out there, get a hold of the reins, get both back under control, talking sanity into a terrified human, quieting a frightened horse, and stopping the angry parent. The thanks and pat on the backs came later. It’s just that funny thing in looking at it now, feeling through the entire re-play of many parts of my career as a trainer how many times I had no real say when others quit or walked away if it went wrong. It was just my job to fix it, make it better, and clean up all of the crap. Much like a babysitter or nanny, taught to follow the rules clean up the mess and your fired if you talk back.
Suddenly I hear my insides cheering, they are standing up on the top of the bleaches, screaming at me to notice. “I am a Coach, a life changer, I can fire students, I can change my mind, I can do whatever I choose to” I feel the entire difference settling in. The old habits laid a foundation on very shifting sand. There is some good in all of it. It is just now my choice to go through the pieces that are remaining and rebuild on this stronger, more intuitive me that has just been freed with all of this excavation…
This morning I rode five head of horses, each one individually at their own speed, at their level of ability, in the manner that worked for their own unique individuality. With quiet, careful, easy, whispers and touches. Asking, listening, waiting and feeling for each response. Knowing my heart has opened wider as I have found more loosely scrambled threads, once stuffed in the corner of not enoughness, to now become rewoven into the broad banner of my new understanding of life, here south of San Antonio as a soft, much needed drizzle covers the ground.
I left here to do my evening route, still with an air of uncertainty, but the deed was done and I have to trust me. I am all I have! So I left here thinking of the audio’s I had pre-programmed in my phone for my route as I grabbed some popcorn, my full of ice and decaffeinated soda headed to do some serious interacting with my mindset.
Clocked in, started my bus when the impulses to stop cash in my two dollar win ticket from this morning for another, caused me to pull into the next convenience store and do just that. To be pleasantly rewarded with a quick twenty, to lighten my intensity level as I settled in to feel the offerings of thoughts now coming over my phone. All of the suggestions just reinforced my following my instincts and body feelings most of the day that were allowing me to become more in tuned with all of me. Orchestrating my simple, pleasant afternoon route, punctuated by the beauty of all of the spring flowers now brightly hued in yellow and oranges.
Once finished and clocked out, I quickly picked up supper’s offerings, conscious of the uneasiness still lingering in my gut, knowing I was headed to pick up a son who learned from someone else, that his behavior was out in the open. Waiting outside the facilities, till I was requested to talk to his DI, whom informed me of his personal respect for single mom’s like his mother had been, and reiterating my son’s expected behavioral changes. Which were answered with a “Sir, Yes, Sir”, that lasted till the end of the road, before all of the why’s came pouring out. Till I felt this amazing, assertive strength, reinforce out loud that life would now be different, the playing field had changed, and he would now figure things out, without my constant reminders or input.
Then the urge to get my fuel closer to home, instead of the long line at the gas war haven, netted me another scratch ticket worth seven more dollars. Noting the ease of my body from several knots, aches and pains I knew I had let something really big go. I decided to celebrate and purchased the Wide Awakening Program as an early, deserved present to me when minutes after getting home I received a call for a new client for lessons for her five year old daughter… Seems I am connecting to me, more and more, better and better… Things really do always work out for me!