These last few weeks have found me deep in thought as I have been working through the seeming complexities of my son’s horse Freckles, writing and publishing my first book on line. All of these things are so amazingly similar and easy to understand as I now find myself on the other side of the one of the biggest puzzles of life. As I remember the wonderful, soft, attentive ride from a little while ago on a horse that I have done everything I could think of or was suggested that sounded right to me from others, with some small steady inroads into his behavior. Just never enough to get him to be safe for me much less anyone else because of his extreme responsive and explosive reactions to any and all stimuli, so deeply ingrained into almost every moment of existence.
Two days ago I woke up from an interesting dream about zombies, after watching one of the ads I saw on FB about some child asking their mom if whatever the product was would work on zombies. Finding myself while in the dream aware of these for rent horses at some stable and how much they act like zombies. By just going through the motions unless something truly gets their attention in a startling way where they tend to react to get away far enough to look at what woke them from their absentminded sleep of following the horse in front of them.
Puzzled at what my inner voice was trying to communicate to me. I found myself in a deeper place of awareness with any and all moves I or any of the horses made toward each other. To suddenly find myself watching how intently Freckles was trained on my every movement. He was literally locked into a trance of habitually reacting with even the slightest stiff, hesitant movement of my body when I stepped into his zombie zone. A place characterized by habitual without thought response to an ongoing situation one deal’s with in their lives with the defeated expectation of the same reaction they have always gotten before.
I touched, I watched, I made my actions smaller, I breathed as I watched his eye come unfrozen, then he would retreat back deep inside as his eye darted back away from the impending doom. I was so fascinated that a memory from over seven years ago with all of the time I have spent with him, could still be so deeply controlling so many of his reactions. His sense of loss of comfort and safety when even loosely tied was still traumatizing him.
I spent well over two hours slowly, carefully, untangling all of the cross wiring I had excess to, as I became aware of my total effort of watching, breathing, shifting, and rewarding without taking my concentration off of him, right here and right now. To find a much softer horse who after much yawning reached over, licking my hand, and actually touching me first.
I then unsaddled him, washed him off and turned him loose. Fully determined to finish the steps in self-publishing my first book “Finding the Feel” Tales of Learning How to Communicate with Horses at Smashwords.com where I had to pay attention to every little step, every little detail so that it was done right the first time, where then I could relax, take a break and celebrate my success of putting all the pieces together of something I have been intending to do for quite some time. All the while, even as I was learning the new steps to becoming a published writer, the little horse and his determined survival mode kept lingering in the back of my mind.
To then find myself last night after reading my book that I had also uploaded to Amazon with some typo’s and possible sentence changes that would make it easier for the reader to understand and utilize. I went to Smashwords followed the instructions, re-did the changes and within an hour or so had my book re-submitted and in the cue. As I then went to Amazon to accomplish the same task, where I found a whole series of computer technology and directions I just did not understand or could implicate. Finding me at 1 pm tired, a little frustrated, but determined I could figure this out. I could get this accomplished. It could not be that hard I thought to myself as I dozed off.
Discovering no answers as I awoke, fed, showered and headed out for my first important lesson of the day, where as the conversation between her and me flowed, I became aware of how important the differences between learning, understanding, watching, doing and feeling are, and why so much of what any of us do is in a more zombie mode. So much of what we do is because we are expected or told that is the only way it can or should be done. Kind of mindlessly going through the motions, finding minutes, hours, and even days have gone past without us fully aware much less alive going forward as we get caught up in the stories of the others all around us instead of creating each moment anew.
Like little kids do being fascinated with every little thing when they find it and bring it to us for us to observe and find their excitement and wonder to draw us in to really see a butterfly, flower or even a little bug in a totally new way.
Watching is observation as when it attracts, excites or truly holds our interest…nothing can easily distract us from it because we are so deep in fascination or amazement of watching something being done or doing something that feels too good to do anything but thoroughly enjoy it.
Learning is repeating till we get the move, the idea, or the belief firmly established as a non-thought reaction or response.
Understanding is the ability to be comfortable with explaining, teaching, demonstrating or doing it.
Feeling is the sensory reaction to stimuli by any of our main five senses: Taste, touch, hearing, seeing, or smelling.
My learning and new understanding in helping Freckles and myself out, is how much of both of our lives have been controlled by our innate habitual reaction to any uncomfortable stimulus. Caused by being convinced by others to having no faith or trust in ourselves. No thought or idea of maybe there is another way to do something than the way all of these people are telling or trying to make us believe is the way for us.
We are zombies: per Wikipedia “A zombie (Haitian Creole: zonbi; North Mbundu: nzumbe) is an animated corpse raised by magical means, such as witchcraft. The term is often figuratively applied to describe a hypnotized person bereft of consciousness and self-awareness, yet ambulant and able to respond to surrounding stimuli.
We have stopped living consciously and fully aware in each moment. We allow people, animals and things to come, barge, run, call, email or advertise us in to a state of discomfort to get us off-track of our own inner guidance, to follow along with their train of thoughts.
When it dawned on me as I was asking for Freckles nose this morning as I first touched the rope before loosening it… I watched his every movement, as aware of him as he was of me. I felt for his recognizing I was fully present, now, with him, he breathed, I breathed, and for the next 20 minutes I was fully engaged, fully aware, fully alive. No tomorrow, no stuff from yesterday or even a few minutes ago. Meeting myself and him on the totally new ground of NOW, the present, a gift each one of us can give to ourselves each and every moment of the day!
I’ve been resisting writing the last few days, even though I know I have uncovered a lot of stuff and turned it all into rich, soft, fertile ground to plant all of my now renewed, re-discovered and truly life changing hopes and dreams. Many of them from years and years back, some relating all the way back to my childhood where all I could ever imagine or think about was spending time near horses, around horses or on horses. Making equipment, blankets, bridles, reins and halters out of every scrap of lacing, leather or material I had access to.
Begging, pleading, bartering or chattering to any and all that would listen. Getting into this much misaligned habit of sharing by having to play with others in the games, manners and ways that made them happy, as I hopefully waited for my turn, the turn that came with the promise of if I shared my time with them, and “played nice”, then they would have to do the same for me. Though many times as not the minutes, hours, days would roll by with the “if I would just wait or do one more thing” then my turn would come.
To find me all these many years later, still waiting, playing, coaching, teaching, training and being paid handsomely for those who are starting out, starting over, actually going after their dreams too, of the joy, freedom, and satisfaction that comes from being a horse owner and connecting as a partner with an animal of such immense size, ability and awareness.
The last few days of this week found me once again working with and mulling over the little app horse I have had for 6 years, which had been given to me as a kid’s because of his size. Though my initial response in handling and meeting him… was are you kidding me?? Taking all of the time possible since then, to exam him and myself for all of the accumulated lessons of fear, distrust, and fleeing, so readily discernible up until the last three years of his tendency to bolt at the slightest movement from anyone or anything. So much of that originally attributed to the large indention in the center of his head about two inches up from between his eyes where he would flinch if a hand got to close, more so on the left side where he would then lock his legs, swing his head as far as possible to the right and stand there.
I have used and tried so very many different methods that I know, have learned, have had suggested, a lot of trial and error, always making small steps toward releasing the image he has so ingrained into his habitual responses. Though on Thursday I noticed his jumping always tied into the minute either hind quarter was trapped into a space he had to pass through. Finding the story I had learned about other foals the previous owner had raised then gives away as 2 and 3 year olds and how he would push them into a squeeze shoot, fumbling with his disability from several old injuries, sometimes falling onto the horses, or off the shoot. This would then cause a horse with the desire to run, left with the only option with their feet so aptly held in the shoot to lean as hard and far as possible to the other side to escape these rough, jerky motions that left the horse with a strong fear and distaste of fences, sudden movement and human contact.
As I played with the thought in my mind, I was aware of how much I dearly love to share and teach, how much I have held back over layers of uncertainty of my rights to be in control of what I can or should be doing with my life. So I rearranged my two barrels that are used to direct a horse in, out, and around them from about six feet from the fence on one side and open on the other. Where this little horse would jump every time he came close to any opening, with a locked, raised neck and the whites of his eyes watching for any and every opportunity to escape, when I recognized he didn’t feel like he had a choice. Even though my hands were light upon the rope as I guided him through, I saw a possible new solution after half an hour with minimal relaxing or even breathing from him, of moving my saddling rail to make a temporary chute to “walk” him through. Get him into a place as small as possible that he could still walk in, walk through, walk out, slowly, then step by step for the next hour I played with him, till I felt him relax, yawn, and let go of the terror of forced enclosure. Aware of the resistance in me to trap myself into fully walking eyes wide open to my fullest dreams of and for me, completely, solidly, comfortably… asking no one if, how, why, or may I.
Amazed at the tension that left both of us about the same time, I just wanted to sit down and bawl, over all of the years of waiting for the support I thought was necessary from outside of me. And yet here it was, my imaginary fears of outside disapproval’s, when it was only me holding me back, trying to protect me from allowing all of me out… to fully live.
I love my life, my horses, my kids, my family, my friends and everything I have ever done or come in contact with. It’s all shaped me, the sharing of episodes and escapades many times helps others see that what they are attempting or afraid of, that someone like me who makes so much of what I do appear easy… has had to wade through the swamps of fears, to climb out on the rocks and logs to find the stream of life always ready to wash us off, cool and refresh us as we float along supported by the Universe in each of ours desires, dreams and passions to be fully uniquely ourselves as we learn, understand and expand to truly live our life to the fullest.
It’s been awhile since I touched the keyboard to do anything except play and communicate with those people who touch my life and reflect back to me exactly where I am at any given moment. Which up until about 15 minutes ago… was decidedly still stuck, drilling for an answer in the same quagmire of life that I have been living and sorting through for the last seven years trying to find all of me.
This has allowed me to delve into many realms of answers, ideas, and solutions found out in the world around me, both locally and via the internet. Though as of late I could really feel that I have been basically turning over the same rock, in the same fashion, just with a slightly different twist each time as I think back over all of my writings… because each of them all point to the fact I have still been stuck. Existing, living, sharing, and progressively improving my position in life with the ever elusive goal… tantalizing and teasing me so seemingly right in front of me, only to then once again slip from my grasp.
The best part being, I am stubborn, determined and wonderfully supplied with a constant stream of horses and their owners to have a look see as to where this stuckedness is still coming from. Thankful as the money flow and communication with others has been constantly on the upswing. This has provided me with a new horse put in training 19 days ago, a young filly, just turning four, started with ground work, one saddling and once being led around with a child on her back, now to become the new mount for one of my newest students of the last two months.
The filly has been quite an interesting puzzle coming from a friend who does fantastic groundwork as evident with the last two horses of hers to grace my place. The only difference is with this mare is she expects to do exactly what she has been taught, her way, when and only as stiff and unyielding as she can be. Leading to the incident of the introduction of a rope that I looped on the saddle horn, which at the sound of hondo being tightened, she proceeded to take off bucking and running as hard and fiercely as was possible, before finally settling into a three hour trotting in full flight session.
This massive distrust of any movement away from her personal ideas of how things should be, causing her to duck, turn, and rapidly cover every foot of the pen with the rope just kept off the ground as I used it to constantly direct and redirect her. Occasionally garnering a stop, till there was any movement she spotted or heard coming from the rope still casually attached to the horn. About the time I was considering maybe I had stumbled onto a horse that I would have to physically out last (so not on my list of accomplishments) When from across the road the neighboring mare gave out a loud whinny, causing the little mare to snap her head around in the other horse’s direction as she slid to a stop to investigate.
Wonders of wonders… The sudden transformation from a determinedly possessed to wear one of us out wall-eyed in full flight, I found myself watching this horse suddenly become docile, soft, listening… as I watched what was the necessary catalyst to snap her out of her habitual fear response. Much like slapping someone in the face to get their attention when they become hysterical, allowing me to marvel now two days later as she continues to amaze me with her progress, each day doing more, easily meeting me at the gate, looking forward to the grooming, handling and riding.
This caused me yesterday to decide to tackle Freckles my small appaloosa and see if I could find the missing link that has caused him to be so stuck in his training, as it dawned on me that he too has consistent habitual freeze, don’t move, responses to many of the things asked of him, causing me to reflect on my own sense of feeling frozen in place. To find myself 32 hours later with two horses, completely and freely moving, listening and socializing with me and my training as the common denominator caught me suddenly aware of the rock I have been looking under… the rock was the answer, it’s my golden nugget. I have been looking on it, under it, around it, talking about it, just not able to see it for what it means to me and for others.
With training horses, there are two truths… either they are comfortable or their not. When they are comfortable they are great and easy to be around, if they are not there are four common reactions to their problems: fight, flight, faint or freeze. In dealing with these two animals I discovered my own life patterns staring me in the face. My fighting to be right, to be heard, to be alive or to have my life my way… My flight, running away from myself (and getting nowhere fast) doing busy work, saving and rescuing others, any dozen of excuses to run away from walking “fully” toward my dream… Freezing with cold feet, excuses, kids, trucks, weather etc. etc. And lastly fainting, sleep, drinking, eating, movies books any dozen of overindulgence’s that I have to finish or wait till I am done, before I move to the next one…( I was so taught to finish what I started)
Here today I now know my stuck habits, I have looked them in the face, discovered I am in charge of me. There is no more defining moment than to feel the freedom in catching oneself so determinedly being caught sitting on the fence, with all of these perfect reasons and plans why not to move! Why it seemed so important to figure it out… with the having to figure it out just as much as a delay factor as the rest. I feel like such a burden has been lifted off of me, as I have been smacked in the face with my own true reality, that I teach and tell others on an almost daily basis. We usually need most what we are telling to others… Imagine that!
In the last few weeks there have been lots of ideas and thoughts that have come up for me to write about… yet I couldn’t bring myself to do more than write out a few words or a phrase. Then wander off still searching for the piece/peace missing within myself.
Thankfully I have been led to the right pieces of information, new tools, profoundly inspiring speakers, videos, pictures and quotes that kept tugging at me to follow, come this way, feel this, try that, always one more little step in the direction deeper toward the very core of me. To finally find me earlier today with a massive, cleansing, downpour of much needed rain both for the extreme dryness this part of the world has been experiencing. Plus a much desired day off, from the last few weeks of 2 more horses to ride, lots of new lessons to teach and the daily am/pm bus routes, all of which has me magnificently on the plus side of my bank account.
Just tired, searching and learning to even more closely listen to every part of me, paying attention to the world that I live in for the missing link to a full, fun, loving all of my life self.
Finding a new meditation by Dr. Joe Dispenza that had me looking and feeling to find God’s love within me by searching for and through all the old taught patterns of behavior and then resolving them to suit me. Which brought many days of clarity and more peace than I have known in quite a while, through which I discovered several voices from my past causing me to all of sudden realized my entire learned programming is about victimhood.
All of the drama, the tears, all of the stories, came from families who had learned the same. Most of us teach best what we know and in reviewing the experiences of my parents childhoods, and their parents I could see the patterns handed down from generation to generation. Suddenly in a really huge moment of awakening I could see all of my struggles at the times when I was younger that I would become defiant wasn’t because I was stubborn in a bad way. It’s because I inherently knew that there was more to life than what was being told to me by very well-meaning people.
I have found in the last few weeks I now can comfortably question everything I have ever known. Finding lots of different views, ideas and thoughts to fill my toolbox with possibilities for answers in many different types of situations because like with my horse training, there are no cookie cutter answers, it is different for each and every one of us. We all have different taste, sizes, preferences and beliefs; it is this very variety that makes life a wonderful adventure and ever changing kaleidoscope to explore.
All brought down to the final moment just a little while ago when I heard in my heart the question “why do I say thank you, I love you, please, or any of the other myriad of things that come out of my mouth”. The answer that came back just floored me… I was told to! So out of habit I have been extremely polite, molded to what being kind, caring, loved, hated, or whatever word I was instructed in the way to behave or just plain be was to them as they understood it.
I found myself washing the dishes tonight after my youngest son had started supper, needed help and promised to clean up after I finished fixing the problems he was having making a new stew. As I was putting my dishes in the sink and thinking about the mess that was left, I found myself staring in wonder at all of the cleaning up we had accomplished today and in the last few weeks of both the house, the horse pens and the attitude changes. I found myself going through the dry dishes still in the strainer, putting up the clean ones and suddenly re-washing the dishes he had hurriedly done earlier in a whole new frame of mind.
I found the peace of doing them because I enjoy clean dishes, he has been helping, he has been changing, he is a human, and he deserves to start over each day just like I do. His behavior is because the only examples he has ever known he learned from a parent who taught exactly all she knew or understood up to right now. He is mirroring me as I change; I am only now learning, fully what love, much less unconditional love and many other things truly are to me.
There is so much I only thought I knew from checking in with my family, my friends, acquaintances and the world. I truly found out today the last place I ever thought to check was inside my own heart. Where God has loved me all along, waiting on me to ask for his help, to find out what fits me perfectly in any and every situation… Life is amazing!
Seems like the gel time in my thoughts from the start of this blog in my mind almost a week ago, kind of got stuck in that funny stage of… no not yet, almost there, oops, no this other one first, then another, till finally a little while ago I felt the center of the pool of goo that has been slowly trying to set, and voila… now it flows easily out onto the page. I am giving myself permission to be okay with this too.
I have had these ever increasing bouts of tiredness and occasional pains as I was trying to come to a comfortable medium with me over what all of these symptoms from within my body, has been trying to communicate with me. Especially since each of the various aches or sensations I could easily figure out on their own.
Such as: first one of my horses shows up a little lame on the right, then a second horse gashes open his left foot, till finally I get myself stepped upon and bruised all the way from my ankle to heel. To then be blatantly asked after I have been working all day, then bruised, aching and hurt… “Mom, what are you fixing for supper?”
I then knew that I was allowing others to walk all over me if I was fully engaged in something else and then stopped to tend to their request. Even in as simple a way as stopping to answer a question, or pointing out an obvious answer that I knew they knew better than come ask me.
The other aches and pains usually followed the path of my not seeing another as capable as they could be to finish some chore or task completely. It seemed such a pain for them to try to do it better than expected. Same as the suddenly feeling extremely tired, over exhausted, just wanting to crawl deep under the covers and sleep the nagging feeling off. Till I realized it was just my body trying to get me to see the round cage I had trapped myself in, of doing certain things the same way, seeing the same answer, and struggling with the exact same results. To being so worn out, I wasn’t looking up to see there was no real top on the cage. There were rails on the side walls that at any time I could have climbed up, over and out. Except for I was having this huge dilemma of not seeing there was such an easy tool I could utilize, untill I had the last three days of lessons.
Where in each of my students would get to a certain place of frustration, trying too hard, and so good at beating themselves up for things not working out at home. Though they were telling me of the things that were getting easier, I could see so much progress and hear so much of the joy as they would discuss the fun of enjoying the changes that they were experiencing. With my ever present attention to the way they were handling the horse as they were telling about the issue they could not find an answer to. As I watched their body language showing how they were stuck, the answer they needed usually as simple as how they were holding the reins, the rope or their body. They were stuck by perfectly mimicking the exact moves they had been shown or taught.
And it struck me that once again the answer they needed was the exact one I had been searching for…
The permission to try something, anything and everything different, than what had been taught or shown them. By getting creative, shorten the rope, sit taller, slump, turn sooner, later, move the objects, discover if there was glue on their fingers holding the reins to their skin. By getting them first aware, then laughing, then to have them play with the tools they had, look around to see what could be moved, or rearranged. Watch the horse, play with how they were standing, or the aura they were projecting.
Mostly just giving themselves permission to have fun with this, even if there was a possibility I might write about it. I am good about keeping who secret, being way to aware this is just as much about me, as it is about them. Because I know we are all mirrors to each other of what is going on in our lives. And this giving one’s self permission, is truly an important thing. As I realize now how most of my life, if I was given a list for another, I would accomplish it all.
Of course I would, if it kept someone else happy, I was not in the limelight, main spotlight, could not be nailed for whatever was wrong. Plus it explains why I have been so lifelong patiently waiting for my turn. I had been “it”, chief player in the who was to blame.
But no more… I now give myself full permission to play. To be first, to have it my way, to love, smile, laugh, cause joy, spread craziness, just muck around if I want to. I can now choose it all or none, a little or a lot. I give myself full permission to come out and be me… No Matter What! And it feels fantastic… waiting really does have a sweet pay off!
This last week has been roller coaster of bends, turns, with ups and downs as I have maneuvered the path of learning to understand where I have been so stuck. Having so many of the answers handed to me by my students and my horses. As I have been slowly and carefully extracting myself from the flimsy layers of the taught behaviors that have been holding the lowest levels glued so tightly together, as I decidedly now choose which thought to pursue. With the wonderful simple examples set by the horses I played with this week when I ask any of them to do something. They always choose to do things by breathing, being aware, feeling for the choice that allows them to be comfortable. I know it is okay with them, when they look at me, breathe me in, and sigh. Any other reaction shows by them looking away, their body is tense, sometimes they roll their eyes, and hold their breath being able to so minutely breathe they almost seem to be holding their breath in a rock solid, so braced against my asking to quickly for them to grasp or understand.
In the fleeting moment of asking my long standing Appaloosa recover, I note when he freezes, stiffens up to me when I am even a little bit too rushed for him. Knowing it stems from whatever caused the hole in his skull one can still feel on his forehead. I marvel at his willingness to tolerate me and any new ideas I bring to further educate him in working with more people than just me. There is no thought to his reactions… I know they are just his instincts kicking in, so related to the first five years of his life… before me. I understand in working with my lady clients of the week, whenever I am explaining and sometimes re-explaining a previous lesson that they understood previously to mean one or two words out of the entire lesson of the week before.
They tense up, stop breathing, focus real hard on each word I am saying and I watch the fear of being wrong, having made a mistake or probably screwing up their poor horse. I then first get them to breathe, secondly explain whatever the last lesson was in an entirely different format. Add to that the things they are doing right, and then remind them that thinking about something new is hard when you have all this prior learning experiences from others telling you what you should do, what any words ought to mean, then watching me easily perform the task intuitively, and then trying to do it too.
Thinking is such hard work when learning and doing something new. One stops breathing, tries to do all of the steps at once, bodies get contorted, the horse patiently mimicking what the bodies on them are asking. Everything is all knotted up, going slowly, almost painfully forward… Till I tease, or throw some way out story, take odd strained poses as them or their horse and remind them how far they have come, what they are doing right, there is so many tiny steps in each new thing and they are trying to do it all of it perfectly right from the start.
Slow down. Feel for how you would make that move without the horse. Relax, feel the side of your body that it is easy to do it with. Compare what that side is doing that the other is not. Forget about me… I am just the radio, just this voice. I am not watching, judging, comparing or beating up on you for not being me or right. This is supposed to be fun. Wiggle your tailbone, wiggle your toes, find a way to let go. Just be. Sit with the horse… Oh my gosh “Look”, now your horse is relaxing. The animal has no idea you are worried about how you fit on him. He has been all tensed up over whatever it is you see that he does not. You’re the boss. You’re the one who is supposed to be comfortably making the decisions for both of you. You’re not comfortable, so something out there must be dangerous.
I am aware of the tension from the imagined eyes of long ago…waiting, watching, judging, and having such high expectations for another to live up to… This week I have learned to watch my thoughts. It took slowing down, breaking each thought into does this hold true today, does it make me feel better or worse. Who is it that is holding my body prisoner, making me act or behave like this voice in my head? Oh it’s my own voice, I tell it thank you. Then choose otherwise. I became aware of there really are four parts of me. who have been trying to communicate with me. One is my physical that is ever present in getting my attention by how it feels, comfortable or a little uncomfortable, unless I ignore the first signs, then the discomfort becomes bigger. Two is my emotional…all of these thoughts that I have learned to notice. If they are fast, rapid and uncomfortable…it’s my ego. The third part of me my spirit which is this sense of being guided or led. Healthy, comfortable, calm and confident, it’s the real me. Constantly changing, noticing, adapting, and becoming more and more every day.
And the fourth part is my connection,and awareness of Source, the Universe, God. Always patient, all loving, always unconditional, always waiting for me when I get lost, discouraged, or trapped by the habits and understandings taught and shared to me by well meaning others in the myriad of the million thoughts in my head . Who experienced the same things I learned so well, they were told it was right and only way.They did not know or have the desire to be much more or otherwise… I choose to be all I can be. I choose to blaze my own unique trail by trusting and honoring the things that feel comfortable to and for me.
Quietly, slowly, listening to the directions of my body as my mind still occasionally tries to go on these varied tangents of thoughts that rapidly fill my head when things happen in ways I did not expect or anticipate. I find that as of late, even when I start to fill angry or frustrated it always seems to come from my mind first. As I become fascinated with the oh so different response found in my body or gut, which indicates that it really is a matter of choice as to how I react now to any situation. Case in point this last week in maneuvering through the steps to owning and finalizing all transactions of my choosing to buy a used vehicle. I find the teachings I need most are easily laid out before me to notice and do something with or just wait and the lessons are repeated in much louder and more obvious ways.
My truck was taken back to the main dealership on Wednesday for the seven items on the list to be repaired and tended to. So I was wonderfully excited to be able to inspect the final results yesterday and have today with my check list drive. Finding myself after thanking them for having it back before this weekend, I jumped in after a quick run through of the items on the list. Fire it up, pull out onto the main road where as I get comfortably into the stream of traffic, my eye catches a missing piece of interior paneling next to the left front windshield. It was so broken and obvious I almost doubted that maybe I missed that before, when my glance in the side mirror to change lanes and turn around to go back, spots even more damage on the other frame, to find myself thinking “okay there is a lesson here” as I pull back into the dealership and the salesman comes out to find out about my quick return. As I explain and then we slowly go through the entire checklist and find there are still two things that were not completely done though have been checked off as repaired, to now after this weekend and his calling the owner about the new problem be attended to.
I continue on my way knowing things will be just fine. Finishing the evening with no other incidents and in a relatively confidant frame of mind. To go treat myself to scrumptious meal and wonderful root beer float to start the celebration of my trip forward into my new life of self-declared freedom, making plans with my youngest for an early breakfast and road trip to San Antonio to fully test out the mechanical repairs with the longer distance.
The truck ran so much better than before, now with a fully functional blower for both the ac and the heat as we maneuvered into the parking space for a simple breakfast before going into the adjoining supermarket. Where to my surprise as we opened the back doors to put in the groceries we found the missing broken pieces stuffed under the seat. When in pulling them out from the back caused me to glance up and discover the hole broken into the bottom of the dashboard, causing the total damage from repair of one simple fan switch and temperature adjustment to become a definite sign from the Universe that none of this existed before I had it repaired, and I still need to slow down and feel each baby step of walking this new talk.
I like how I got confirmation for the doubts I had in my mind over “did I not notice” where my gut all along kept urging assertion in finishing this feeling and owning my empowerment lesson. The salesman has been fantastic; I know all of this will work out. I love the understanding and knowledge I have gained in my new ability to find what is right, have the Universe align the steps to change or fix the other things to the benefit of all. Plus the guidance to trust my body in each step by feeling for the right solutions, ideas and directions to turn, as it gets easier as I feel what I am thinking, verses struggling for just the right thought.
Talk about bringing in the New Year with a lot of magic and possibilities… as this last week has been an opening of letting go of all kinds of past issues, problems, old worn out items and habits. Starting off on Christmas day when one of my sisters came for a visit where we sat, talked, and shared lots of old history with an openness to hear each others view point and perspective. Allowing me to see many things in entirely new and different ways than I truly ever imagined, as I became conscious of many other layers of our family life than can be really felt or appreciated when one is in past that time warp of surviving, living, or going through the experiences of growing up.
I was so glad to have this time of learning about our past through the others different eyes and point of perspective adding to the information garnished in the last two months of being able to have private, honest conversations with all of my three sisters. Which granted me the ability to realize we all are going through something, which was impossible to see from any other place than where we each were, until someone opens the door to invite the truth from another without any one having to fear or suffer repercussions from actually opening one’s mouth to let “it” all out… which seems to have the added marvelous benefit of healing old assumptions as the new clarity falls into place.
I have in the past week… made Christmas a fantastic, fun, sharing experience with lots of money left in the bank. Putting up my old truck for sale, selling both the body and the engine to two different individuals. Had several last minute gift certificates for lessons show up and found “My New Truck”. Which is literally the truck on my wish list from 2004, its white, four wheel drive, diesel, super cab, with headache rack, grill guard, bumper with hitch towing package, gooseneck ball, work package,and $500 under book value. With only 125000 miles, decked out like the photos in my phone and on my walls… I am so glad my truck quit or I would not have been looking and found my dream truck within ten miles of my place.
To add to all of this fun and mayhem, one of the dating sites that I have had my profile on for several years but only have been frequenting to see where I am at vibration wise by the types of men I attract. To be pleasantly surprised by a letter of explanation of my slim selections of offered possibilities because of my not participating in a feature to browse through the selected men who fit my overall search choices, which by so doing means I just get to quickly peruse, choose yes, no, or maybe, and the computer then takes into consideration my actual, individual choices, to compile a more accurate group of men to then direct my info to. Which as I was sitting there, happily, comfortably narrowing things down, this email from the site pops up, to then find me engaging in an extremely fun exchange with a man who seems to once again fit so many things on my wish list from back in 2004.
It is like, by the decision of me to so thoroughly get involved with the process of taking full responsibility that maybe all of my beliefs needed to be gone through, examined, tossed if no longer applicable, changed if uncomfortable, and added if the new thought had never, ever occurred to be possible much less true for me. Thus then allowing God/The Universe the ability through the now widened gap of potentiality to bring me so very many things I was so stubbornly clinging to only being possible by doing it in the fashion I was taught to believe was right for me. Even though many of those ideas got me to this point, it’s that turning just a little in one direction or the other I could suddenly see gems of possibilities that were so hidden from me, by so many well-meaning people I have known who’s caring about me, I so thought meant they had the last word!
Wow, I am so excited to find myself here, expressing my joy in learning to observe, share, and examine the world from the broader perspective of, is whatever I am believing “true for me, Right NOW!” 2013 is a whole new year of exploration and adventure with a new truck, clean slate, and new beliefs that I can toss the moment they no longer hold true. Bless all of you who have followed, shared, and enjoyed my previous growth as I continue toward finding the best in every, fully alive, moment to come.
Woke up several times this morning before I actually decided to hone in on my thoughts, the ones that were rapidly swirling, evolving and becoming this insistent urging to get up and write it all down. Allow the keyboard to assimilate the evidence, align the possibilities and arrive upon the answers I have been moving steadily toward since a challenge I answered at BLC in November of last year of putting a goal out in public view, therefore having to actually commit to honoring my words to myself. Or quitting, giving up, throwing in the towel and just leaving things as they were… which to anyone who really knows me that is not an option.
Last night at our family Christmas party I received many things from my constantly being generated anew list, as I participated from a different feeling, more centered, more aware, totally new set of eyes, and ears. Listening, observing and participating from a perspective of “Lord, what would you have me see? How can I help? and What do I need to know?” as I watched the evening unfold as the various participants arrived, each one clothed in the reflected image I most needed to see about myself. There were the reflections of love, caring, fun, interest, hunger, sadness, distance, anger, hate, frustration, selfishness, weariness, and fear, all present in different packages, groups, ages, sexes, and beliefs.
Showing me the various paths I have tread on the road leading up to this reconstructing of who I am. This morning’s first thought was of me as a giant two sided jigsaw puzzle put together many years ago by caring hands who were following the instructions dictated to them by the slowly evolving generations before them. No one, ever, intentionally meaning to do any harm or wrong. They were each trained and schooled in the life path they had found themselves upon, no better or worse, just life as it is, as it unfolded around and before them. Taking the necessary steps of survival, understanding, caring, learning, and sharing that were part of raising a little girl, who though not by intent had several of the pieces in my puzzle that I use to think were missing, I discovered had just been put in the wrong place many times with the opposite side facing up. As I watched last night’s presentation of players in full view from my now broader perspective of the niggling question I have been struggling with over the haves and have nots, why me, when’s my turn and what else do I have to give up or away for someone else.
Suddenly having spring to mind the last half a dozen horses to come to me for training or re-rehabilitation with almost all of them showing symptoms of the right shoulder, left hip’s in ability to move easily and effectively. I had been pondering how I have the same issues…just the opposite side of my body. When the light went on, a mirror reflects the opposite of what’s being viewed. So all of the people in the room were reflecting back to me parts of me, hidden from my ability to perceive, from being so stuck on crazily asking the same question and expecting different answers. Aware of the incident with my youngest son’s dog crazy barking experiment just several days back. Where when he would not stop yapping, but instead of yelling at him to stop, I started focusing on when he was silent. Keeping my attention firmly on the spaces of quiet, fascinated at how easy it was to choose, yap or no yap to focus on, to find within minutes without ever looking at him, I suddenly found the peace I sought, both with the dog and myself.
I decided to implement this with much success, as I won the game of the evening, had my gifts delight the recipient, no struggle, no hurry, just slow deliberate choices. Found several of the felt like drama about to unfold till I chose to focus on a smile, the baby playing, the flavor of the food, or remembrance of the morning’s lesson with the new horse. As I took the time to be aware of what I was seeing, then feeling, I could then choose to do focus elsewhere and it would all change just as quickly. I became aware that all of these what felt like ugly, festering wounds were only coming up to be examined for the pieces they were of my own puzzle, unfortunately at some time, hurriedly jammed, stuffed, or forced into place by my learned perception at the time. Just needing to be taken out, reexamined and then place where they really did fit, were loved and appreciated.
There has never ever been anything missing, except for my lack of understanding, inability to step back and know, much less see a bigger picture, taught and learned from others who were doing everything in their power to assist me to get to today. To find the peace(piece) in every moment as I now carefully flip, turn and lovingly reassemble, reconstruct and rebuild all of the myriad pieces of the new found love of understanding of the world that is always reflecting the answers I seek. As I even examine, and rearrange my very bases of support, so very proud and appreciative of all of the talents, and tools I have acquired and now share in my exchanges with any and all others who ask as I help to reflect back their true worth and abilities to help themselves too!