48 hours later and so many things have changed right before my very eyes… All of these illusions, deceptions, frustrations and struggles have all turned into this magical, marvelous path back in time to take a look at my story from a totally new vantage point. To find a little girl, about 5, brown small suitcase clutched tightly under her buttocks as she sits crying all the way around the block on the corner, the one furthest away from home. Sitting there, staring longingly at the opposite side of the street in this attempt to run away, but foiled by the rules of “never cross the street…alone”. Where her mother finds her a little while later asking what she is doing? The little girl wails in total loss, and humiliation “nobody loves me, no one will play with me, they always want to play with dolls, I don’t fit in, I listen, I do what I’m told, I work at playing dolls, I clean, I stayed out of the street, yet my turn to play horses never comes.” The mother comforts the child the best she can “it will all work out”, and they go back home, with the memory etched into the recesses of my mind, for me to finally find… again.
I worked on this memory a few years back when I first found EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and had thought I had cleared it, because I forgot about it. To find in the last few days of outrageous heat (in the shade it was 113 degrees) with no breezes and several horses to ride, which I did very early or very late in the day, yet I couldn’t manage to escape this feeling of being in the hot seat, under a tremendous light. So hot, so miserable, I sought relief in watching movies and large glasses of iced water and limeades. Struggling to get comfortably through to my two touchy, jumpy, horses, way too much work in all of this direct glare, till I found myself, frustrated, tired and sobbing “it’s not fair, I work so hard, and no one wants to play with me”…
Suddenly, like being slapped in the face. I found the nugget of peace I had been so determinedly seeking. This gem of information rocked me to my core. I suddenly saw the trail of relationships with others as the outsider looking in… always working, always cleaning up, fixing for others, doing the impossible, sitting outside of the lime light. With this crazy belief egging me on, that if I “worked, struggled, did whatever I was told”, I would eventually have my turn.
My past attempt to deal with the story was about being different, standing out like a sore thumb and the nobody loves me. There was no memory at that time about no one wanting to play with me. I now see how I have done all of this crazy, insane work of trying to fit in, waiting for things to work out. As my five year old mind took literally “it would all work out”. So work I have, for any and everybody, doing it all to fit in, cleaning up, fixing, repairing, paying for others to help me and even putting others first. All in the crazy belief that when all the work is done…then I can play!
To find myself with a lesson this morning, as I watched her diligently struggle with the newest information I had given her for her toolbox of ways to connect with her mount. As I listened to her berate herself over her inability to use the latest tool the right way. I threw up my hands and told her “enough, I am throwing the whole toolbox and tools idea away”, instead I now want you to look at each idea as a toy, another way for you to play with your horse, toys for your toy box.
The laughter exploded out of her chest, her whole body relaxed, the horse let out a huge sigh of relief. In that moment I saw the glint of gold in my ability to play, have fun, enjoy, pivot, dance, and revel in the joy of allowing myself to be truly paid to play and enjoy life. I have given up working, life is supposed to be fun. All in favor… come on down, the weather is cool, the breeze this evening is fantastic and the shower from the storm that blew the heat away way early Sunday morning has made the ground soft and fluffy as the grass so quickly turned soft, green and vibrant! Life is a dance, find a song and come along, find your own toys and come play!
These last few times of frustration and tiredness I knew were trying to get me to let go, back off, and take a break so that the bigger picture could reveal itself to me, over what felt like a battle of the wills. As I would walk out to find the chores done haphazardly, hurriedly, and in no way the image I desire for my perspective new and present clients to find whenever they come down to the horse pens.
Though I have become highly appreciative at how easy and fast the re-doing or putting away the items left out has become. As I have consistently paid attention to my son’s complaints and noticed any time I spot some step that could be accomplished in a different fashion with better tools, different placement of hoses, racks, doors and even changing the type of latches to make things easier to do if one’s hands are full.
It’s just yesterday I so suspected the much needed rain is about to be here and from past experience know that dry waste material is easier to maneuver and move. So I decided with my current amount of horses to ride down to just 3, figured I could clean, fix, and re-do all the stalls with my extra time. Finding myself comfortably cleaning, enjoying the slow, rhythmic pace of shifting through the shavings, raking down the high spots as allowed myself to enjoy the quiet time of just me, connecting with the peace I find in doing these few simple cleaning chores.
Fascinated as I caught myself humming an old country tune by Bill Anderson about having love on the tip of his fingers, when suddenly I saw this movement out of the corner of my eye, and when I turned to figure it out. I was amazed at the picture that was laid out before me of all the pens now neat and in order. All of the empty stalls with clean buckets, freshly hung hay bags and nice clean ground awaiting the next horses and my own horse pens with fresh shavings raked out in a nice soft layer waiting for their occupants return. I saw the reason this lesson kept aggravating me almost too full frustration every day, even after all of the effort I have put into making it easier for anyone having these chores to do.
The whole message I had been trying to get myself to notice with all this discussion over cleanliness and perspective of clients first impressions. Wasn’t about him doing it right, it was me trying to get me to see how much I, like everybody else, need a fresh start, a clean slate, a new place to begin any and every day. Life is so much easier not carrying around all of the baggage from the day before, much less if we are lugging years of old laundry, images, memories and trash from our past.
A thousand different thoughts flashed through my mind of people I have known before that I have yet to allow them to have changed to become someone different, better, kinder, or realer than when we last met. There is so much stuff I have hung onto about me and how I might be perceived from someone else because of some incident 30 or 40 years ago. Thinking how much I have been taught to judge how I utilize each minute of the day by the value of my time if I do it wrong to some standard that I have to live up to.
So imagine the freedom I have now found in liberating myself and all others from my storehouse of back then to now. Like when I explained to my son how going to school is about learning how to think. Not memorizing facts and regurgitating them back. The letting him and myself off the hook for something not done right yesterday… it always has worked out before, I just couldn’t see it because of the blinders of being taught what to expect or look for so I will know I am doing things right… For Who?
Added to this was my morning discovery of the loss of my dictionary, which I queried my son about. Who came back with a quick retort of “Mom the dictionary??? You are right there” he said with a silly grin. I found the humor in now having no dictionary to look up every word to make sure I was using it the right way, spelling it in just the right fashion. No set of rules to bind me from being free to more easily express myself.
As I thought about how for years when I saw buzzards my first thought was death, something has died and there’s Universe’s sign. Compared to my realization of how free flying they are, as they soar in finding each wind current. Being lifted up to flow with the air, not because they have to fly to find food, having to scan each and every inch of earth. The flight is their thing to rise up, soar, majestically following the currents. They trust and know what they need is provided, they sense and feel when there is something that catches their glance, to zero in on, alight, take part in a meal. Life is that way when we allow it to guide us as we enjoy the living and breathing all the wonders it has for us fully in. As we explore how we view it, live it and become fully all of us living it. Alive, creating, experiencing, being!
I have been pondering on the few places I still have this feeling of stuckedness and like many things which happen for me these days. I was led to watch two movies yesterday, when in almost getting to the end of the first movie “Amazing Racer” the young lady and then her mom were so distraught over the lies about each other having died years ago, which they had been told and been living by till the present learning of each others alive existence. I felt this complete upheaval course right through me of my constant living down and suppressing my biggest desire… so I tapped, got calm and finished the movie.
To be drawn to then watch “The Mistle-tones” and have another internal wakening of the same truth about me and how I have managed to even in the present day allow others, perplexingly enough, still have such seemingly easy access to cause the why I do what I do. Curious as to the common denominator, also known as the big machine of habit that still was silently running in my background, and as I pondered on possibilities I felt this incredible tiredness sweep over me.
Knowing my body was trying to communicate with me, I got up, turned down the temp, turned on my bed, did my stretches, got comfortably situated in bed, added a few lines to my nightly steps to move toward list, turned on a comfortable meditation tape and went to sleep.
To wake up groggily, hours later, staring at a time of 5:38 on the clock, feeling out of step with the morning and the present moment of what is going on? When I came to full awareness that I had not set my alarm for my am route drive. So began this quick start morning, shower, dressed, truck started, hair, makeup, wallet, my morning drink, still out the door and on time for my route. Though I had this feeling of something following me in my mind, which caused me to start tapping on this confusion of not being centered, not really being open to know, find and realize all of the views of me I have yet to fully recognize, so hidden, afraid to come out to be shut away again and ignored.
The ride seemed short, uneventful, as the tapping did help to sort of release the uneasy earlier feeling, and there were some fleeting ideas of interest. Yet I still felt on the move, close, yet in need of some missing pieces. I added the word “help” to my to do list as I parked the bus. With this rumbling sensation of turmoil of too close to the truth to be safe feeling… and the first of several text messages came through on my phone. As my friend it seemed, was pondering the same sort of unanswered, uncomfortable questions about “love, God, work, right, wrong and truth”. Which we then texted back and forth about for an hour or so, sort of just throwing more stuff on the pondering pile, until the immense feeling of tiredness over took me again. I decided a nap for the answers was in order, by first making sure I added that exact thought to my list, as I drifted easily to sleep.
The awakening of the answers so easily poured out of my mind into my now more comfortable feeling body. I just sat down and wrote the reasoning’s I feel words can so keep one stuck in a circumstance such as: What if the words that stick or suck for us, is because of what we have been taught and shown that word means is true for the person who told us “their idea of love is… pain, suffering, giving, sacrificing, etc. etc. etc.” and we live with that because it is all we know, we love them, they show us their truth is real by exemplifying that exact behavior.
So we are now stuck, until we can see or experience it in other ways, by other people, who view it differently. Maybe that is why so many words are uncomfortable to so many. They have been overused, or taught to others to have totally different meanings, and what one person says, is not the same as another understands, or even what the first person meant. Kind of like I do when I write. I use God, The Universe, Source, to convey the unconditional love feeling I have had the wondrous experience of a few times in my life.
I know some of the various teachings and teachers I have enjoyed listening and learning from to increase my own understandings, such as Abraham stays away from the word God… Because of all the different meanings the word god has been given…I know/ suspect that is why they talk about just the simple feeling good or bad, as luckily we all know and can feel the variances of those two.
Just as I become more clear of Who I truly am, I am becoming more and more aware of the trap that words do to me… because of what I have experienced and understood in the past over what a particular word might mean. As I become clearer, and freer with my feelings around particular long held beliefs, I have discovered how much of life I have held at a distance from others trying to help me see things from where they have stood or are standing. Though as I am learning to re/think and re-choose what a word might now mean to me, always open to the possibility that too could change again at some future time to come.
Kind of like the realization that came to me this weekend, that were I to re-meet Donnie (the cowboy I was friends with, had a terrific crush on in college, till my parents look of disapproval) … Unless he continued to grow after our freshman year when I last saw him, like I did. He might be only about 5-9 or so, shorter than the man that occasionally appears in my fantasies. Because I grew almost 3 more inches from when I was 18 till I turned 21 to my current height of almost 6 ft.
So I now know why the pen can be mightier than the sword, why we should be sure our words our sweet, because tomorrow those words we might have to eat. But the feeling of freedom is growing day by day. I listen to the wisdom of my horses “trusting my gut”… which so beats the rattling of words in my mind I might not fully yet understand or comprehend how another intends them, from the meanings I might have yet to re-learn or comprehend in another way from my past. I am so now more easily moving forward with each step I now choose to take!
To come to the point this evening of adding something else to my 45 day challenge…I am giving up my need for control… by others opinions and my fears of letting anything just be what it is in a given moment by micro managing it. I know I am changing, day by day, sometimes teeny tiny steps at a time. Just definitely more aware of myself in conversations with others I now find myself editing the conversations before they come out. Totally fascinated at my ability to slow myself down, find my opinions and feelings of what I am thinking, before I speak or respond to an others request, and honor myself in taking my time. I am so doing this!
Started today with a question running through my brain over “What’s What with manifestating all the time” I let it stay with me most of the day, kind of there, right at the tip of my tongue to spew out loud. First just as a thought… then as persistent, nagging, noise like the kind one hears when something overloads the washer and there is this definite out of rhythm sound that you know needs tending to. Yet the only reason I did not give it my full attention is because of the fun, playful, inviting pictures of a story that kept coming together in interesting details, descriptions and words inviting me to sit down and write them out, put them together once things got quiet.
So I fed, ate, lingered through my shower as the two scenario’s kept vying for my full attention. Weighing the pros and cons, the question of confusion or the furry, soft invitation to play, when the alarm went off, causing me to hurry drying off and getting presentable for my lesson. I started the lesson with the decision to maintain the fun flow. With much teasing, showing, allowing, and watching as she proved to herself she was managing these lessons in bigger strides than she was giving herself credit for. Especially so when she asked with confidence several times to change, rearrange, or take off pieces of equipment she was uncomfortable with their feel for her. Doubly pleased when I added several more steps and ideas for her moving with her mount and it only took one or two minutes for her to be comfortable with the each suggestion. Then smiling with then making the perfect connection with the horse, both of us laughing at how easy this really was becoming for her, so much so that she began to describe the color, size and type of horse she was expecting to own in the very near future.
She scheduled her next lesson, gave a treat to the horse and was gleefully, giggling as she headed home to call her husband. I was caught up in remembering my intention at the start in having a fun, confidant student, now so easily occur, even with my niggling thought of this “what’s what”, my searching for the bigger things to occur as easily as I do the small. And it struck me just now “I got so picky when?” So rode the next two horses, to then get the unexpected company of my youngest son’s cronies started cleaning up their mess. Seems while I was riding and he was at school, they had breakfast and the clean house my son and I had been enjoying disintegrated. He walked in from leaving at 6:30 early and could not believe the chaos. But then I had to grin, watching him realize he used to be that way just months ago. It took some managing, breathing, leaving them alone to hash it out. With a slight case of the kicking myself because I had this gut feeling it was a error to allow them over… live and learn.
Then the “what is itis” began to ascend again, so I took a nap, did my last lesson and knew I could shake or solve this. As I walked in, turned on the computer and began searching for some upliftment by reading several blogs when I received the message to go do something different. With my son crashed out, done in by the now gone visitors, I went to check, then clean up the mess. With this notion to check the front bedroom first, to find on the floor behind the bed the iPod I had been searching the whole house for. Which caused me to grin because it solved part of my “What’s What” I went to clean and reorganize the house for my soon to just show up guest in a determined “I Can Do This” frame of mind. Gotthe house back in better order and then finding something I kept imagining and not locating, to give up searching and there it was.
I have been in my own way. I know things are okay, I just got turned around, and I am pretty sure its because I let my head make a few decisions that my heart and gut were not into. I kept beating myself up and it took writing it all out, for me to see all of the things I managed to manifest, especially the answer of letting go of the “hows” by getting out of my own way! Hee, hee I know I am going to remember this one for a while, because I asked and believed so strongly I would figure it out!
Seems like such a simple dream, idea, request… simmering in the back of my mind for oh so many years. Tons of words written about and toward it, in poetry, prose and random scribbles, sometimes with lines drawn through them, for fear of… being found out, ridiculed, subject to scrutiny, the what are you thinking, or having to explain why. Why, what a huge word coming from another, such a form of checkmate, stop, re-consider the entire world, those close and those who just pass through. Years of this oh so determined yearning, for this memory that always has called me forward. With clues found in movies, books, random dreams of recalling a past event, or person who once again stirs this deep, long soup of “What If”! Brought even more to the table in this last year, as most of the dreams, visualizations, and memories have shifted, become clearer, more intense. Jostling my footsteps back to person who so touched my life, as to leave remarkable sensations just as vivid as if he were in the room with me. Last year he found me in March, showing up for quick virtual reality amusing visits at the most unusual times. Causing me to laugh, grin, and have fun in these make believe moments of him right there in my presence lightly teasing, toying, and talking to me. To abruptly disappear in August as another came to try their luck at luring me to a place I thought I could do. Just thankfully I pulled up when the air became too thick to breathe. Amazed at how a quick prayer to the Universe, found me with a text message several hours later detailing his decision to move on… unless I wanted to talk. I sighed hugely in relief, and said no, wish you well, then quietly went back to sorting and figuring me out. Months of sifting, writing, sharing, honing my skills of asking, finding, and sort of following the guidance that is always there, just I sometimes am so human when I miss the cue, because of being still stuck in others opinions of what I do. The last few days have netted me an interesting trickle of money, a few fives, couple of tens, twenty-five, and the other day guided to look down as we are trotting down the road. To espy a single dollar bill, stopped to pick it up, aware there was a larger meaning to this trail, to do with a question I had asked this last week. Netted me the gold of an answer I have been queuing up for these last two months as he has once again been invading my virtual reality. Being told by another to trust myself, to trust what feels good for me, to trust “things always work out for me”. Tonight’s movie, the very theme about my desire, tantalizing just inches away on the big screen, I am enthralled with the Universe showing me “he is coming”. I hurry to return the movie, green lights the whole way there and back, to have a hawk, at dusk, fly superbly over my windshield, just appearing, wings fully spread, allowing me to see his dark supple form before quickly disappearing from view. I breathe in deeply; feel the fullness of the thought just moments before this winged messenger’s appearance. It is my desire, my dream, it is okay to trust, to believe, to imagine…. JCJ