Seems these last few months of looking at me has been a truly eye opening experience. Wrought with many of the dangers of really seeing my full self, from what I view in the mirror at different times of the day. The words that actually come out of my mouth any time during a day and the various emotions used or behind those words. This taken to even further awareness with this full sought desire to have a different life and my willingness to do whatever it would take to have the life I know is available to me. When I took the even bigger plunge of actually listening in on and hearing all of the pre-played conversations that I habitually was constructing the moment I noticed anything not being to my likings.
Suddenly, amazingly, truly aware of I am the creator of everything that is going on around me. Though for years I kept pushing off responsibility of it as happening to me, until that all came to a screeching halt right in my face the first time I deliberately practiced a new conversation with the next victim/person to grace my presence. No turning around and pushing it off on anyone else once the tiniest self-observation of caused deliberated change took place.
Not exactly a high five moment, even though it felt so good to have a different positive pre-concieved conscious outcome. There was then that vast realization that “I could change my life that fast” but there was so much to sort out. So many things I desired. Such a big mess to undo, all the while my mind suddenly tearing off in a new direction of panic, lists, descriptions, ideas and places to go to accomplish what seemed like an enormous chore.
I went to studying, watching, practicing, planning and then beating myself up for not getting it right in whatever time frame I allotted for myself to succeed with any new process. Thus crippling my every step out of the rut of habit I had so dug myself into.
There is nothing that puts one on the road to failure more than persecuting one’s self with a pre-planned time line. I got out the books, I downloaded the tapes, meditations, speakers and I worked on myself. I was going to master this. I was putting my understanding of what it would take to accomplish this now monumental task of being free of the old me. To live in a world of ??? what I understood of love, abundance, and success was.
Pushing myself toward this new goal because I knew my life could be different, better, more alive. So I worked at it, memorized, struggled, dug up all of the old memories, to release and make peace with myself and all associated with the events in my life.
Finding myself pulled up short anytime I shared with someone else. For if there was the slightest doubt, dislike or hint of disapproval… I would dig at myself more. Read, meditate, work, work, work at me in such a need to be free of this monkey on my back that was so close and yet so hard to reach and get a handle on.
Yesterday found me on my day off playing a game with a book open, and the same book being narrated on YouTube. While I let the words filter all around me, until something would catch my imagination, for me to pause the recording, match the words to the page in the book and then write down the phrase to fit me to use as an affirmation. All of this lasting until late last night when I felt this sense of recognition in some deeper part wash over me as I moved the speakers to face my room. I turned up the volume on the computer, turn off the monitor, as I settled into bed allowing the last few paragraphs to lull me off to sleep.
To be awakened at 4:30 with my first thought being of my shoulder not aching and my having slept almost the whole night through without pain. So I rolled over and tested it, as I had heard my inner thoughts send my shoulder love for allowing me to learn from all of the burdens I have been carrying over what I have understood about life, love, success and the other 100 words or so that have been under my scrutiny in the last 6 months or so of self-discovery. To discover it pain free…now that I listened.
Suddenly realizing this whole journey has been to uncover and find the true meaning, use and understanding of words that I grew up with, I have been teaching, sharing, living with by what I thought they meant or symbolized. The love I knew that had to be earned with clean rooms, clean bodies, chores done, things taken care of, proper behavior or dress … a total attachment to something, some ideal, or someone.
I have never truly lived the loving something enough to set it free, to be, without control over it… Allowing the Universe to constantly replenish with more and better than before, for in my understanding of once it is gone, it is over. The sudden awareness of the deaths of animals, humans, and situations all around me allowing me to suddenly see what I have been missing of just loving, touching, communicating because every moment connects to the next. If I am holding onto yesterday, there is no way to enjoy and relish today. Love is a realization of the moment, each breath, and the changes occurred in expansion to know and experience more… for if we don’t let go, we stagnate and are trapped, in a confined space, nothing coming in or going out. In breathing we must let the old air out to allow the new air in. Love and life are an awareness of each change…It’s all good when we let go of yesterday’s mistakes to become what our imagination shows to us is possible, in each dream that connects us to our inner selves which guides us when we let it.
So much stuff to ingest, digest, assimilate, and ruminate upon as I find myself stumbling, bumbling, tripping and getting myself kicked in the process of thinking way too much, instead of comfortably and confidently feeling my way forward in the process of finding my way forward to all of me. This person I am more becoming everyday as I strip away all of the encompassing layers of doubt as to my rights and capabilities to move from the safety of this corner I find that “I” have tricked myself into believing is enough.
It’s been safe… it allows people in incrementally for me to teach, learn, understand, watch and observe as I much different ways of personal boundaries from paying attention to the horses, life is not at all as I have learned or expected it to be. I have found the cause of the stuck feeling, the sense of watch, wait, learn, wait, smaller, slower, wait again, look closer, get right up next to it… and an alarm goes off, someone walks in, a movement to fast to just get finished in time, for someone else’s nod of approval, acceptance, an avalanche of rules and guidelines about life, the customer is always right, take care of others, this is what is promised as it is spelled out in plain black and white on paper.
To find myself sitting in front of the computer, moments after finally watching a movie that caught my eye weeks ago, which contained an answer I was seeking from within. From the words that bubbled up days ago when I awoke about how I keep “hedging my bets”, by not putting all my eggs in one basket, and keeping my life on hold till I get it right.
I met the most attractive man a few weeks ago. He is kind, friendly, interesting, cowboy/horseman, who approached me because of my jingle when I walk (I wear spurs because I ride almost every day). We had chatted once before in another store, now as I strode past him, and in his need to follow his path back to his love of horses. He did an about face and tracked me down. The Universe aware I needed his conversations about horse training as much as he did mine.
We have become friends, awakening and recognizing the hunger that is fueled when one gets to talk about their passions to another on the same level with an understanding of the drive to ride, to move, to breathe, to become one with a horse. Finding the mutual respect for another on the same path we have spent several hours talking, texting, and emailing across the spans of several hundred miles from his home place, till his work brought him back to this area. Where he stopped by to visit, eat, chew the fat and play with the horses. Though on one of the visits as he stepped out of the truck I had an epiphany of so many of my desires walking toward me, to be further amazed when as we were out back at the pens, as he casually walked up to one of bars, to bend, twist, and rewire it into place.
To the simplest of minds, one might think I would move forward and say something. Nope. Not me, I sat on it for the next few days. I held my ground, shut my mouth and tried to talk myself out of it. Which then caused the awareness of what “hedging” was about… I am not honest with me. I think way too much, trying to rationalize, categorize, or socialize what I should do.
It’s the awareness of my latest habits that have finally been uncovered, after I took the time with the horse whose hoof print’s bruise is still slowly being absorbed back into my body. To slow down, truly feel, watch, and observe where the unexpected lashing out came from. This horse has enough old scars of having been patched back together that could take years to uncover the stories of how. In the five days here after the escapade, I discovered there is a particular place he will kick out at as he moves to get whatever is there back into his line of sight. A blind spot, a place to protect, because he had been injured there, he can’t move comfortably out of it, or a reaction to whatever originally caused it.
Whatever the reason, somewhere from his past, he has been reacting without thought, just habit and instinct. The horse chiropractor is due this next week, he will be adjusted and now trusts that someone is assisting him to find a better way to be with people. He has also taught me how my trust was all out of sorts, to the point I “use” to not speak up for me, not always when I write, I like the pieces more like this one that just flows, appears on the page. For me to copy, take to Word Press to paste, edit and then post.
Thankfully I have found a wonderful new friend in this man, that when I told him how gorgeous he was and how well he fit many of the things on my list. Applauded me for my honesty of telling him exactly how I felt (even though it took three or four days). He understands that I admire him, he’s awesome, and it’s okay to savor, and maintain our friendship, because I matter. To me this man, the horse, my listening to the voices in my head are just signs from God that I am being led toward all of my hopes and dreams. As I learn to get out of my own way and surrender to the guidance that keeps showing up, even when we aren’t paying attention… God just sends another, and another, and another. Allow, trust, and honesty all for me to do for me, myself and I!
It’s been awhile since I touched the keyboard to do anything except play and communicate with those people who touch my life and reflect back to me exactly where I am at any given moment. Which up until about 15 minutes ago… was decidedly still stuck, drilling for an answer in the same quagmire of life that I have been living and sorting through for the last seven years trying to find all of me.
This has allowed me to delve into many realms of answers, ideas, and solutions found out in the world around me, both locally and via the internet. Though as of late I could really feel that I have been basically turning over the same rock, in the same fashion, just with a slightly different twist each time as I think back over all of my writings… because each of them all point to the fact I have still been stuck. Existing, living, sharing, and progressively improving my position in life with the ever elusive goal… tantalizing and teasing me so seemingly right in front of me, only to then once again slip from my grasp.
The best part being, I am stubborn, determined and wonderfully supplied with a constant stream of horses and their owners to have a look see as to where this stuckedness is still coming from. Thankful as the money flow and communication with others has been constantly on the upswing. This has provided me with a new horse put in training 19 days ago, a young filly, just turning four, started with ground work, one saddling and once being led around with a child on her back, now to become the new mount for one of my newest students of the last two months.
The filly has been quite an interesting puzzle coming from a friend who does fantastic groundwork as evident with the last two horses of hers to grace my place. The only difference is with this mare is she expects to do exactly what she has been taught, her way, when and only as stiff and unyielding as she can be. Leading to the incident of the introduction of a rope that I looped on the saddle horn, which at the sound of hondo being tightened, she proceeded to take off bucking and running as hard and fiercely as was possible, before finally settling into a three hour trotting in full flight session.
This massive distrust of any movement away from her personal ideas of how things should be, causing her to duck, turn, and rapidly cover every foot of the pen with the rope just kept off the ground as I used it to constantly direct and redirect her. Occasionally garnering a stop, till there was any movement she spotted or heard coming from the rope still casually attached to the horn. About the time I was considering maybe I had stumbled onto a horse that I would have to physically out last (so not on my list of accomplishments) When from across the road the neighboring mare gave out a loud whinny, causing the little mare to snap her head around in the other horse’s direction as she slid to a stop to investigate.
Wonders of wonders… The sudden transformation from a determinedly possessed to wear one of us out wall-eyed in full flight, I found myself watching this horse suddenly become docile, soft, listening… as I watched what was the necessary catalyst to snap her out of her habitual fear response. Much like slapping someone in the face to get their attention when they become hysterical, allowing me to marvel now two days later as she continues to amaze me with her progress, each day doing more, easily meeting me at the gate, looking forward to the grooming, handling and riding.
This caused me yesterday to decide to tackle Freckles my small appaloosa and see if I could find the missing link that has caused him to be so stuck in his training, as it dawned on me that he too has consistent habitual freeze, don’t move, responses to many of the things asked of him, causing me to reflect on my own sense of feeling frozen in place. To find myself 32 hours later with two horses, completely and freely moving, listening and socializing with me and my training as the common denominator caught me suddenly aware of the rock I have been looking under… the rock was the answer, it’s my golden nugget. I have been looking on it, under it, around it, talking about it, just not able to see it for what it means to me and for others.
With training horses, there are two truths… either they are comfortable or their not. When they are comfortable they are great and easy to be around, if they are not there are four common reactions to their problems: fight, flight, faint or freeze. In dealing with these two animals I discovered my own life patterns staring me in the face. My fighting to be right, to be heard, to be alive or to have my life my way… My flight, running away from myself (and getting nowhere fast) doing busy work, saving and rescuing others, any dozen of excuses to run away from walking “fully” toward my dream… Freezing with cold feet, excuses, kids, trucks, weather etc. etc. And lastly fainting, sleep, drinking, eating, movies books any dozen of overindulgence’s that I have to finish or wait till I am done, before I move to the next one…( I was so taught to finish what I started)
Here today I now know my stuck habits, I have looked them in the face, discovered I am in charge of me. There is no more defining moment than to feel the freedom in catching oneself so determinedly being caught sitting on the fence, with all of these perfect reasons and plans why not to move! Why it seemed so important to figure it out… with the having to figure it out just as much as a delay factor as the rest. I feel like such a burden has been lifted off of me, as I have been smacked in the face with my own true reality, that I teach and tell others on an almost daily basis. We usually need most what we are telling to others… Imagine that!
I woke up this morning to find myself with this incredible vibrating, bouncing, awake and very much alive energy from the dreams I had last night, which were brought about by the last few things I was viewing, reading, then talking and texting about. Fully aware of all the questions I have been asking the last few weeks and all of the answers that were now so coming fully into my awareness as I am awakening and discovering the me that has been safe fully ensconced behind the mask of uncertainty which frequently still appears frozen in spots on my face.
Though this morning’s barrage of information I almost could not record as fast as it was pouring out of the now almost fully opened door from my past. The very past I have been accused of running away from, trying to escape, and thoroughly avoiding like the plague of disaster I had felt I was to my family, in my total inability to quietly, easily, and correctly fit in. In my constant tendency to run full tilt into one sometimes painful encounter of “you did what, your grounded” after another. All the time being reminded why can’t you be more like your sisters, the occasional mention of how messy, tom boyish, bullheaded, stubborn, totally unpredictable and “who do you think you are”. To remind me there must be something wrong with me, because no matter how hard I would try… the little “brat” in me would escape and run the havoc of playing horsey, jumping over things in horse fashion, only playing with my sisters if I could bring my horse statues and get dirty.
Even being enrolled in tap and ballet so I could have feminine virtues was an interesting test between the older lady assigned to keep all girls returned to their appropriate classes, if found standing on the toilet seats so not to be discovered and sent back. Before I could make my mad dash up the stairs out to the freedom of the outdoors, then down the block to the library, to be later collected by my mother as I was deep in the fantasy dream world of horses, riding, playing, romping out on the plains, in the mountains, or splashing on the shores of the ocean.
Free to be me. Fully loose, engaged in my desires, happily rambling along for hours after the spanking or groundings of who I was going to be and the things I would accomplish. All brought fully home to the very core of me of the slight chance of impossibility in the latest barrage of others attempt to entice me to fit in to the newest, fastest, easiest, most successful way to make money… lots of it… fast. Just not for me,and I can say this with full confirmation that the Universe has my back.
I have become aware of that it pays for me to notice when things come in threes. There is always some piece of information I have asked for, now being presented for me to understand and do more or less with in my further learning about it. This present third attempt had all of the right words put together to cause me to click on the video…which on this particular site finally played all the way through on the third try. Leading me to another video, with me already on the alert the next move would be a choice of ease or discomfort as it began to reveal itself.
I so love my listening to my inner self, because even before the video opened, the headlines on the page were glowing brightly… Stop, delete, this is not for you! So I quickly closed it all out, deleting the other two possibilities, and high fiving myself for noticing and listening to my body in finding which direction I am to now head.
Suddenly so many questions were being answered in rapid succession, now that I had finally found the key to understanding and listening to “all” of me. I realized the reason the different guys I have dated in the past kept coming up. Why old stories and tales would occasionally make themselves known in situations where I would use them to clarify some point. Why I have had so many memories reappear for me to look at, sort and sift through. All of this was so I could find, recognize, validate and love the parts and pieces of all of these that are the truth of and for me.
I so appreciate my good friend whom I have been sharing this journey of discovery together, as I texted her for about the twentieth time last night with all of this information needing out and to be recorded, even though I knew she had already turned off her phone. I know our greatest gift to each other has been to truly listen to what the other one is saying… without condemnation, correction, or opinion. Being a sounding board for each to hear what they think they are saying, repeating statements the other might not even be aware of is coming out of our mouths, allowing the other to go on any kind of tangent of thought or thoughts. Then connecting back the dots to those things that stands out as being more important to either of us than we are aware of because of the constant references to that subject in some form or fashion.
We all need to be supported. Each and every idea is just a little seed that can take us to innumerable places if it is allowed to be planted, nurtured, and encouraged to grow into something bigger, newer, different, beautiful, imaginative and life giving to not only the person who first planted it, but also to all of those whom it touches and causes them to be amazed or inspired into becoming more of themselves in the process. I so love breathing life into ideas and assisting others to find, recognize and kindle their own ideas from a spark to a full flame. I am a sharer, teacher, lover, listener, and recognizer of the worth in each and every one of us!
Funny how I started this post without actually having any idea what it’s title might become, and at the moment with the still throbbing ache on the tip of my finger the title seems even less important, because I know I am on the trail of the solution to what p.a.i.n.s.(pay attention I need something) me at the present moment. Now that I have cleared the more pressing answers my body had been trying to get my attention about. Kind of like what I have noticed about many things in my life. The loudest, most annoying, the tastiest, slowest, fastest, whatever is in our main line of focus, usually gets our fullest attention.
Especially for me, since I feel and know that is how I best get and receive my guidance from Source through the sensations I notice and do something about. Or ignore until the object becomes too loud or sore to be left unattended, like I have done with both of my two index fingers in the last few weeks. As the one on the right hand at the knuckle only aches occasionally when I get mad at someone else for their causing me to be aware of my neglecting of me when I put them and their opinion first.
Though the left one I have tended in that hmmm, must have a thorn, sticker or splinter in it… it will fester and eventually come out on its own. Except for yesterday when I finally realized the solution to my what felt like a daily pen cleaning ordeal (this morning he cleaned them flawlessly without reading my blog or me saying anything). So I then sat down with tweezers, a needle, a pair of tiny surgical scissors and good light to pull off the hardened calloused spot, and hopefully easily extract whatever laid embedded there.
To find nothing as I probed, squeezed and prodded, except for the story that has been rambling in my head that seems so… just there out of reach. A place I visit occasionally, enjoy for a few moments, play with it, then put it away for more important things. Discovering this morning my finger has had enough of my nonsense and excuses as it annoyingly pointed at me “you’ve dealt with the anger, figured out about other people’s opinions, the need for a fresh start, and all these other roadblocks to your living life for those you know… Now go, write, find your truth, and find this answer that keeps playing with you in your dreams. Leaves whispers in the silence, shows up on emails, opened pages, license plates, and passing signs. Go write, explore, live like you imagine, search the piles of no’s, not acceptable, doesn’t fit, and everybody elses ideas. It really is okay!”
So I came in, sat down, opened emails, laughed and shared on Facebook till I felt a little more relaxed, less pushed, and prodded still unsure what might come out…
It’s been years (no ache from finger) this story so safely tucked away, which I only am allowed to play with in dreams and occasional meditations that I am usually guiltly startled out of. The trail would get warm and inviting as I ventured out upon it, then would speak of my desire for this dream out loud, not aware of the invitation to share was not denied, more just rewound for me to figure out my life long habits of others first. Until I changed and learned it really is okay to be the me that I almost lost, as I seemed to always be running so hard and fast trying to fit who I was supposed to be to others.
My dream had to hide, bury itself deep enough to keep the flame of remembering loving myself and that one amazing year experienced without anyone from my past to walk in with their rendition of who I had been and would always be…according to them. The safety of being completely new with no labels, no expectations, no siblings, family, or acquaintances opinions to be compared to, as I created the me I had fantasized and dreamed about growing up in the big city of San Antonio. Miles away from the country life, horses, cattle and cowboys that so cause my heart to race.
My soul began to fly, my wings to spread as that life sprouted and came to life in and around me. No denying having fun, experiencing anything and everything hundreds of miles from home, up in the big country of Alpine, Texas. I came out of the cage of others expectations as I explored all the nooks and crannies of living out on the land amongst cattlemen, ranchers, and fellow students away from home for the first time learning to experience and find themselves.
Of meeting this one guy, becoming friends, supporters, compadres, card players, and cronies in the crimes of shenanigans that come with freedom from rules and watching eyes. Being introduced to his folks, sharing meals, late nights at the hotel desk with others studying, swapping tales, just being whoever we desired, as we easily parlayed a lot of our shared secret dreams into reality.
Brought to a close, when my parents picked me up at the end of the spring semester and he came up to help load the truck. Clean cut, shaved, nice shirt, jeans, boots, and his brown cowboy hat with the over-sized turkey feather reaching over to introduce himself, before he hefted my book loaded down foot locker into the back of dad’s truck. That look on my parents faces, I was doomed, I had done the worst thing possible… chosen without checking the rules and guidelines laid out for the girls in our family.
My finger’s not aching. The tension in my shoulders that I hadn’t noticed when I started, just went slack, soft. As I realize I’ve been pointing at my own heart, so locked away from losing this piece of the puzzle. The dream inside so many of us which one may not realize may be behind the symptoms in their bodies that mysteriously keep them in pain, sick, hurting or waiting… for them to notice their very own bodies are trying to connect with them to fully be alive, by validating and becoming whatever truly makes their heart sings.
These last few times of frustration and tiredness I knew were trying to get me to let go, back off, and take a break so that the bigger picture could reveal itself to me, over what felt like a battle of the wills. As I would walk out to find the chores done haphazardly, hurriedly, and in no way the image I desire for my perspective new and present clients to find whenever they come down to the horse pens.
Though I have become highly appreciative at how easy and fast the re-doing or putting away the items left out has become. As I have consistently paid attention to my son’s complaints and noticed any time I spot some step that could be accomplished in a different fashion with better tools, different placement of hoses, racks, doors and even changing the type of latches to make things easier to do if one’s hands are full.
It’s just yesterday I so suspected the much needed rain is about to be here and from past experience know that dry waste material is easier to maneuver and move. So I decided with my current amount of horses to ride down to just 3, figured I could clean, fix, and re-do all the stalls with my extra time. Finding myself comfortably cleaning, enjoying the slow, rhythmic pace of shifting through the shavings, raking down the high spots as allowed myself to enjoy the quiet time of just me, connecting with the peace I find in doing these few simple cleaning chores.
Fascinated as I caught myself humming an old country tune by Bill Anderson about having love on the tip of his fingers, when suddenly I saw this movement out of the corner of my eye, and when I turned to figure it out. I was amazed at the picture that was laid out before me of all the pens now neat and in order. All of the empty stalls with clean buckets, freshly hung hay bags and nice clean ground awaiting the next horses and my own horse pens with fresh shavings raked out in a nice soft layer waiting for their occupants return. I saw the reason this lesson kept aggravating me almost too full frustration every day, even after all of the effort I have put into making it easier for anyone having these chores to do.
The whole message I had been trying to get myself to notice with all this discussion over cleanliness and perspective of clients first impressions. Wasn’t about him doing it right, it was me trying to get me to see how much I, like everybody else, need a fresh start, a clean slate, a new place to begin any and every day. Life is so much easier not carrying around all of the baggage from the day before, much less if we are lugging years of old laundry, images, memories and trash from our past.
A thousand different thoughts flashed through my mind of people I have known before that I have yet to allow them to have changed to become someone different, better, kinder, or realer than when we last met. There is so much stuff I have hung onto about me and how I might be perceived from someone else because of some incident 30 or 40 years ago. Thinking how much I have been taught to judge how I utilize each minute of the day by the value of my time if I do it wrong to some standard that I have to live up to.
So imagine the freedom I have now found in liberating myself and all others from my storehouse of back then to now. Like when I explained to my son how going to school is about learning how to think. Not memorizing facts and regurgitating them back. The letting him and myself off the hook for something not done right yesterday… it always has worked out before, I just couldn’t see it because of the blinders of being taught what to expect or look for so I will know I am doing things right… For Who?
Added to this was my morning discovery of the loss of my dictionary, which I queried my son about. Who came back with a quick retort of “Mom the dictionary??? You are right there” he said with a silly grin. I found the humor in now having no dictionary to look up every word to make sure I was using it the right way, spelling it in just the right fashion. No set of rules to bind me from being free to more easily express myself.
As I thought about how for years when I saw buzzards my first thought was death, something has died and there’s Universe’s sign. Compared to my realization of how free flying they are, as they soar in finding each wind current. Being lifted up to flow with the air, not because they have to fly to find food, having to scan each and every inch of earth. The flight is their thing to rise up, soar, majestically following the currents. They trust and know what they need is provided, they sense and feel when there is something that catches their glance, to zero in on, alight, take part in a meal. Life is that way when we allow it to guide us as we enjoy the living and breathing all the wonders it has for us fully in. As we explore how we view it, live it and become fully all of us living it. Alive, creating, experiencing, being!
I have been pondering on the few places I still have this feeling of stuckedness and like many things which happen for me these days. I was led to watch two movies yesterday, when in almost getting to the end of the first movie “Amazing Racer” the young lady and then her mom were so distraught over the lies about each other having died years ago, which they had been told and been living by till the present learning of each others alive existence. I felt this complete upheaval course right through me of my constant living down and suppressing my biggest desire… so I tapped, got calm and finished the movie.
To be drawn to then watch “The Mistle-tones” and have another internal wakening of the same truth about me and how I have managed to even in the present day allow others, perplexingly enough, still have such seemingly easy access to cause the why I do what I do. Curious as to the common denominator, also known as the big machine of habit that still was silently running in my background, and as I pondered on possibilities I felt this incredible tiredness sweep over me.
Knowing my body was trying to communicate with me, I got up, turned down the temp, turned on my bed, did my stretches, got comfortably situated in bed, added a few lines to my nightly steps to move toward list, turned on a comfortable meditation tape and went to sleep.
To wake up groggily, hours later, staring at a time of 5:38 on the clock, feeling out of step with the morning and the present moment of what is going on? When I came to full awareness that I had not set my alarm for my am route drive. So began this quick start morning, shower, dressed, truck started, hair, makeup, wallet, my morning drink, still out the door and on time for my route. Though I had this feeling of something following me in my mind, which caused me to start tapping on this confusion of not being centered, not really being open to know, find and realize all of the views of me I have yet to fully recognize, so hidden, afraid to come out to be shut away again and ignored.
The ride seemed short, uneventful, as the tapping did help to sort of release the uneasy earlier feeling, and there were some fleeting ideas of interest. Yet I still felt on the move, close, yet in need of some missing pieces. I added the word “help” to my to do list as I parked the bus. With this rumbling sensation of turmoil of too close to the truth to be safe feeling… and the first of several text messages came through on my phone. As my friend it seemed, was pondering the same sort of unanswered, uncomfortable questions about “love, God, work, right, wrong and truth”. Which we then texted back and forth about for an hour or so, sort of just throwing more stuff on the pondering pile, until the immense feeling of tiredness over took me again. I decided a nap for the answers was in order, by first making sure I added that exact thought to my list, as I drifted easily to sleep.
The awakening of the answers so easily poured out of my mind into my now more comfortable feeling body. I just sat down and wrote the reasoning’s I feel words can so keep one stuck in a circumstance such as: What if the words that stick or suck for us, is because of what we have been taught and shown that word means is true for the person who told us “their idea of love is… pain, suffering, giving, sacrificing, etc. etc. etc.” and we live with that because it is all we know, we love them, they show us their truth is real by exemplifying that exact behavior.
So we are now stuck, until we can see or experience it in other ways, by other people, who view it differently. Maybe that is why so many words are uncomfortable to so many. They have been overused, or taught to others to have totally different meanings, and what one person says, is not the same as another understands, or even what the first person meant. Kind of like I do when I write. I use God, The Universe, Source, to convey the unconditional love feeling I have had the wondrous experience of a few times in my life.
I know some of the various teachings and teachers I have enjoyed listening and learning from to increase my own understandings, such as Abraham stays away from the word God… Because of all the different meanings the word god has been given…I know/ suspect that is why they talk about just the simple feeling good or bad, as luckily we all know and can feel the variances of those two.
Just as I become more clear of Who I truly am, I am becoming more and more aware of the trap that words do to me… because of what I have experienced and understood in the past over what a particular word might mean. As I become clearer, and freer with my feelings around particular long held beliefs, I have discovered how much of life I have held at a distance from others trying to help me see things from where they have stood or are standing. Though as I am learning to re/think and re-choose what a word might now mean to me, always open to the possibility that too could change again at some future time to come.
Kind of like the realization that came to me this weekend, that were I to re-meet Donnie (the cowboy I was friends with, had a terrific crush on in college, till my parents look of disapproval) … Unless he continued to grow after our freshman year when I last saw him, like I did. He might be only about 5-9 or so, shorter than the man that occasionally appears in my fantasies. Because I grew almost 3 more inches from when I was 18 till I turned 21 to my current height of almost 6 ft.
So I now know why the pen can be mightier than the sword, why we should be sure our words our sweet, because tomorrow those words we might have to eat. But the feeling of freedom is growing day by day. I listen to the wisdom of my horses “trusting my gut”… which so beats the rattling of words in my mind I might not fully yet understand or comprehend how another intends them, from the meanings I might have yet to re-learn or comprehend in another way from my past. I am so now more easily moving forward with each step I now choose to take!
This post has been over a month in the manifestation of due to my previous inability to start on this tale to suddenly finding a total other story making its way on the page in front of me. Allowing me to slowly, deliberately, sense for the feeling of am I there yet? With the answer coming from my gut in a resounding no, not yet, not even close enough to feel comfortable in sharing with myself, much less the world, these mysterious ways that words can enslave us.
Though never is the actual fault found in the word itself, in the way it is spelled or in the way the word is used. I have discovered that the problem for me is more of how “I” understand what I think is being said, by my interpretation from previous experiences, the inflections of my listening, where I am at when being told and how I feel about the person or source of information. Perfectly shown to me by my recent client in a discussion over a show I had gone to watch about dock dogs and she piped in how she had the book from the author of “Doc Dogs” at home. I asked what the specialized training might be for the dogs. She looked at me puzzled, as she explained it was probably whatever illness the vet was working on at the time. Where I realized there was a miscommunication, explained the set up for the show with the large swimming pool, and she laughed to add that her book was from a vet’s years of practice. Same sounding word, two totally contrasting stories, and understandings.
Allowing me to know I was on the right track in the clean-up work I have been doing. There are so many words over the years that I have been discovering have hidden agendas, prejudices, reactions, and I have uncomfortable feelings toward. Yet they are just words that somebody used or taught meant only whatever connotation was allowed or important at that time. I have been fascinated with how very stuck in my craw and scary an old adage had become as I lovingly started feeling in my gut first for the matching thought in my head. Becoming more and more aware of what an awesome student I was from whoever held my attention long enough to get me to buy whatever they were selling, because they were bigger, older, more demanding or authoritive than me. The control of my life giving or taken away at times…because someone else said it was right. Growing up in an age of not being allowed to question what others were saying because they loved us and knew what was best for us, because that was what was taught and expected of them.
I am aware of how strong those teachings were as I continue to relearn, reeducate myself in dealing with others in a more understanding fashion, as I am slowly teaching myself to breathe first. Then feel how the thought in my head feels, comfortable, or uncomfortable. Slowing down to feel and choose the most comfortable has proven to be changing my life, though it has caused me to be aware of how much of my life use to be lived on autopilot. Doing any and everything on a list someone else would give me. Running like a squirrel stuck on a wheel, completing, checking, adjusting, moving, looking for a hint of approval, and then adding whatever else was expected to the list when no approval was forth coming.
To find in the last few weeks, tons of improvements showing up everywhere here… yet I felt this uneasiness when I would notice what wasn’t done. So I would revamp my list, get several things humming along, feel the discomfort, add more to the list… round and round as the wheel began to get faster again… Till luckily this morning’s lesson was having trouble with her horse getting totally into her space, and as I was explaining a third way to deal with it… I heard myself tell her “she was pulling the horse in by micro-managing the lead rope” giving the horse no ability to choose where it could or couldn’t go.
Eureka… I knew that answer was meant for me. I have been “trying” to micro-manage the Universe, my son, my animals, yes even trying to manage the wicked wind that I finally surrendered to and took my sign down to get it mounted to a good solid base, instead of the flimsy one I have been getting by with. But it is all okay. It is perfect. Without all of these “problems” I have no idea how long I would have continued before I figure out this pattern of having to be right, correct or perfect. Instead of just being… alive, moving, changing, adapting, discovering and creating a more enjoyable and comfortable me to live with, my way, my choices, my ideas, my comfortable, breathing, feeling, sensing self…Sigh!!
This last week has been roller coaster of bends, turns, with ups and downs as I have maneuvered the path of learning to understand where I have been so stuck. Having so many of the answers handed to me by my students and my horses. As I have been slowly and carefully extracting myself from the flimsy layers of the taught behaviors that have been holding the lowest levels glued so tightly together, as I decidedly now choose which thought to pursue. With the wonderful simple examples set by the horses I played with this week when I ask any of them to do something. They always choose to do things by breathing, being aware, feeling for the choice that allows them to be comfortable. I know it is okay with them, when they look at me, breathe me in, and sigh. Any other reaction shows by them looking away, their body is tense, sometimes they roll their eyes, and hold their breath being able to so minutely breathe they almost seem to be holding their breath in a rock solid, so braced against my asking to quickly for them to grasp or understand.
In the fleeting moment of asking my long standing Appaloosa recover, I note when he freezes, stiffens up to me when I am even a little bit too rushed for him. Knowing it stems from whatever caused the hole in his skull one can still feel on his forehead. I marvel at his willingness to tolerate me and any new ideas I bring to further educate him in working with more people than just me. There is no thought to his reactions… I know they are just his instincts kicking in, so related to the first five years of his life… before me. I understand in working with my lady clients of the week, whenever I am explaining and sometimes re-explaining a previous lesson that they understood previously to mean one or two words out of the entire lesson of the week before.
They tense up, stop breathing, focus real hard on each word I am saying and I watch the fear of being wrong, having made a mistake or probably screwing up their poor horse. I then first get them to breathe, secondly explain whatever the last lesson was in an entirely different format. Add to that the things they are doing right, and then remind them that thinking about something new is hard when you have all this prior learning experiences from others telling you what you should do, what any words ought to mean, then watching me easily perform the task intuitively, and then trying to do it too.
Thinking is such hard work when learning and doing something new. One stops breathing, tries to do all of the steps at once, bodies get contorted, the horse patiently mimicking what the bodies on them are asking. Everything is all knotted up, going slowly, almost painfully forward… Till I tease, or throw some way out story, take odd strained poses as them or their horse and remind them how far they have come, what they are doing right, there is so many tiny steps in each new thing and they are trying to do it all of it perfectly right from the start.
Slow down. Feel for how you would make that move without the horse. Relax, feel the side of your body that it is easy to do it with. Compare what that side is doing that the other is not. Forget about me… I am just the radio, just this voice. I am not watching, judging, comparing or beating up on you for not being me or right. This is supposed to be fun. Wiggle your tailbone, wiggle your toes, find a way to let go. Just be. Sit with the horse… Oh my gosh “Look”, now your horse is relaxing. The animal has no idea you are worried about how you fit on him. He has been all tensed up over whatever it is you see that he does not. You’re the boss. You’re the one who is supposed to be comfortably making the decisions for both of you. You’re not comfortable, so something out there must be dangerous.
I am aware of the tension from the imagined eyes of long ago…waiting, watching, judging, and having such high expectations for another to live up to… This week I have learned to watch my thoughts. It took slowing down, breaking each thought into does this hold true today, does it make me feel better or worse. Who is it that is holding my body prisoner, making me act or behave like this voice in my head? Oh it’s my own voice, I tell it thank you. Then choose otherwise. I became aware of there really are four parts of me. who have been trying to communicate with me. One is my physical that is ever present in getting my attention by how it feels, comfortable or a little uncomfortable, unless I ignore the first signs, then the discomfort becomes bigger. Two is my emotional…all of these thoughts that I have learned to notice. If they are fast, rapid and uncomfortable…it’s my ego. The third part of me my spirit which is this sense of being guided or led. Healthy, comfortable, calm and confident, it’s the real me. Constantly changing, noticing, adapting, and becoming more and more every day.
And the fourth part is my connection,and awareness of Source, the Universe, God. Always patient, all loving, always unconditional, always waiting for me when I get lost, discouraged, or trapped by the habits and understandings taught and shared to me by well meaning others in the myriad of the million thoughts in my head . Who experienced the same things I learned so well, they were told it was right and only way.They did not know or have the desire to be much more or otherwise… I choose to be all I can be. I choose to blaze my own unique trail by trusting and honoring the things that feel comfortable to and for me.
To come to the point this evening of adding something else to my 45 day challenge…I am giving up my need for control… by others opinions and my fears of letting anything just be what it is in a given moment by micro managing it. I know I am changing, day by day, sometimes teeny tiny steps at a time. Just definitely more aware of myself in conversations with others I now find myself editing the conversations before they come out. Totally fascinated at my ability to slow myself down, find my opinions and feelings of what I am thinking, before I speak or respond to an others request, and honor myself in taking my time. I am so doing this!