Seems these last few months of looking at me has been a truly eye opening experience. Wrought with many of the dangers of really seeing my full self, from what I view in the mirror at different times of the day. The words that actually come out of my mouth any time during a day and the various emotions used or behind those words. This taken to even further awareness with this full sought desire to have a different life and my willingness to do whatever it would take to have the life I know is available to me. When I took the even bigger plunge of actually listening in on and hearing all of the pre-played conversations that I habitually was constructing the moment I noticed anything not being to my likings.
Suddenly, amazingly, truly aware of I am the creator of everything that is going on around me. Though for years I kept pushing off responsibility of it as happening to me, until that all came to a screeching halt right in my face the first time I deliberately practiced a new conversation with the next victim/person to grace my presence. No turning around and pushing it off on anyone else once the tiniest self-observation of caused deliberated change took place.
Not exactly a high five moment, even though it felt so good to have a different positive pre-concieved conscious outcome. There was then that vast realization that “I could change my life that fast” but there was so much to sort out. So many things I desired. Such a big mess to undo, all the while my mind suddenly tearing off in a new direction of panic, lists, descriptions, ideas and places to go to accomplish what seemed like an enormous chore.
I went to studying, watching, practicing, planning and then beating myself up for not getting it right in whatever time frame I allotted for myself to succeed with any new process. Thus crippling my every step out of the rut of habit I had so dug myself into.
There is nothing that puts one on the road to failure more than persecuting one’s self with a pre-planned time line. I got out the books, I downloaded the tapes, meditations, speakers and I worked on myself. I was going to master this. I was putting my understanding of what it would take to accomplish this now monumental task of being free of the old me. To live in a world of ??? what I understood of love, abundance, and success was.
Pushing myself toward this new goal because I knew my life could be different, better, more alive. So I worked at it, memorized, struggled, dug up all of the old memories, to release and make peace with myself and all associated with the events in my life.
Finding myself pulled up short anytime I shared with someone else. For if there was the slightest doubt, dislike or hint of disapproval… I would dig at myself more. Read, meditate, work, work, work at me in such a need to be free of this monkey on my back that was so close and yet so hard to reach and get a handle on.
Yesterday found me on my day off playing a game with a book open, and the same book being narrated on YouTube. While I let the words filter all around me, until something would catch my imagination, for me to pause the recording, match the words to the page in the book and then write down the phrase to fit me to use as an affirmation. All of this lasting until late last night when I felt this sense of recognition in some deeper part wash over me as I moved the speakers to face my room. I turned up the volume on the computer, turn off the monitor, as I settled into bed allowing the last few paragraphs to lull me off to sleep.
To be awakened at 4:30 with my first thought being of my shoulder not aching and my having slept almost the whole night through without pain. So I rolled over and tested it, as I had heard my inner thoughts send my shoulder love for allowing me to learn from all of the burdens I have been carrying over what I have understood about life, love, success and the other 100 words or so that have been under my scrutiny in the last 6 months or so of self-discovery. To discover it pain free…now that I listened.
Suddenly realizing this whole journey has been to uncover and find the true meaning, use and understanding of words that I grew up with, I have been teaching, sharing, living with by what I thought they meant or symbolized. The love I knew that had to be earned with clean rooms, clean bodies, chores done, things taken care of, proper behavior or dress … a total attachment to something, some ideal, or someone.
I have never truly lived the loving something enough to set it free, to be, without control over it… Allowing the Universe to constantly replenish with more and better than before, for in my understanding of once it is gone, it is over. The sudden awareness of the deaths of animals, humans, and situations all around me allowing me to suddenly see what I have been missing of just loving, touching, communicating because every moment connects to the next. If I am holding onto yesterday, there is no way to enjoy and relish today. Love is a realization of the moment, each breath, and the changes occurred in expansion to know and experience more… for if we don’t let go, we stagnate and are trapped, in a confined space, nothing coming in or going out. In breathing we must let the old air out to allow the new air in. Love and life are an awareness of each change…It’s all good when we let go of yesterday’s mistakes to become what our imagination shows to us is possible, in each dream that connects us to our inner selves which guides us when we let it.
I’ve been resisting writing the last few days, even though I know I have uncovered a lot of stuff and turned it all into rich, soft, fertile ground to plant all of my now renewed, re-discovered and truly life changing hopes and dreams. Many of them from years and years back, some relating all the way back to my childhood where all I could ever imagine or think about was spending time near horses, around horses or on horses. Making equipment, blankets, bridles, reins and halters out of every scrap of lacing, leather or material I had access to.
Begging, pleading, bartering or chattering to any and all that would listen. Getting into this much misaligned habit of sharing by having to play with others in the games, manners and ways that made them happy, as I hopefully waited for my turn, the turn that came with the promise of if I shared my time with them, and “played nice”, then they would have to do the same for me. Though many times as not the minutes, hours, days would roll by with the “if I would just wait or do one more thing” then my turn would come.
To find me all these many years later, still waiting, playing, coaching, teaching, training and being paid handsomely for those who are starting out, starting over, actually going after their dreams too, of the joy, freedom, and satisfaction that comes from being a horse owner and connecting as a partner with an animal of such immense size, ability and awareness.
The last few days of this week found me once again working with and mulling over the little app horse I have had for 6 years, which had been given to me as a kid’s because of his size. Though my initial response in handling and meeting him… was are you kidding me?? Taking all of the time possible since then, to exam him and myself for all of the accumulated lessons of fear, distrust, and fleeing, so readily discernible up until the last three years of his tendency to bolt at the slightest movement from anyone or anything. So much of that originally attributed to the large indention in the center of his head about two inches up from between his eyes where he would flinch if a hand got to close, more so on the left side where he would then lock his legs, swing his head as far as possible to the right and stand there.
I have used and tried so very many different methods that I know, have learned, have had suggested, a lot of trial and error, always making small steps toward releasing the image he has so ingrained into his habitual responses. Though on Thursday I noticed his jumping always tied into the minute either hind quarter was trapped into a space he had to pass through. Finding the story I had learned about other foals the previous owner had raised then gives away as 2 and 3 year olds and how he would push them into a squeeze shoot, fumbling with his disability from several old injuries, sometimes falling onto the horses, or off the shoot. This would then cause a horse with the desire to run, left with the only option with their feet so aptly held in the shoot to lean as hard and far as possible to the other side to escape these rough, jerky motions that left the horse with a strong fear and distaste of fences, sudden movement and human contact.
As I played with the thought in my mind, I was aware of how much I dearly love to share and teach, how much I have held back over layers of uncertainty of my rights to be in control of what I can or should be doing with my life. So I rearranged my two barrels that are used to direct a horse in, out, and around them from about six feet from the fence on one side and open on the other. Where this little horse would jump every time he came close to any opening, with a locked, raised neck and the whites of his eyes watching for any and every opportunity to escape, when I recognized he didn’t feel like he had a choice. Even though my hands were light upon the rope as I guided him through, I saw a possible new solution after half an hour with minimal relaxing or even breathing from him, of moving my saddling rail to make a temporary chute to “walk” him through. Get him into a place as small as possible that he could still walk in, walk through, walk out, slowly, then step by step for the next hour I played with him, till I felt him relax, yawn, and let go of the terror of forced enclosure. Aware of the resistance in me to trap myself into fully walking eyes wide open to my fullest dreams of and for me, completely, solidly, comfortably… asking no one if, how, why, or may I.
Amazed at the tension that left both of us about the same time, I just wanted to sit down and bawl, over all of the years of waiting for the support I thought was necessary from outside of me. And yet here it was, my imaginary fears of outside disapproval’s, when it was only me holding me back, trying to protect me from allowing all of me out… to fully live.
I love my life, my horses, my kids, my family, my friends and everything I have ever done or come in contact with. It’s all shaped me, the sharing of episodes and escapades many times helps others see that what they are attempting or afraid of, that someone like me who makes so much of what I do appear easy… has had to wade through the swamps of fears, to climb out on the rocks and logs to find the stream of life always ready to wash us off, cool and refresh us as we float along supported by the Universe in each of ours desires, dreams and passions to be fully uniquely ourselves as we learn, understand and expand to truly live our life to the fullest.
Had to be discovered, uncovered, ruminated on, put down, picked up, knocked around, screwed with, listened to and cried about. Finding me in a search for the answer that has been perplexing me in the simplicity of knowing it was right in front of me, yet totally impossible to see as I continued to beat myself up in any and every way I possibly could find. For no other reason than the most important facts of all: stubborn, bull-headed, determined, non-quitter of anything I put my mind to… I can do somehow, some way, even if it takes years.
I so love myself for being so sure that I would find the answer, even as I commenced the game at the same level, for the umpteenth time in a row.,playing till I completely numbed myself to any feelings at all for success with the game, just so deeply involved with the frustrated tortured sensation in my gut, that spread to my shoulder, to finally find me feeling the uncomfortable sensation in my feet of being stuck in deep, painful, sucking mud. With a demand from the bus yard to attend a last minute meeting with less than 24 hours warning.
Thus stirring the cauldron of all ready seething frustration, and being told when I came in from my morning run… all would be shuttled over “together” in a bus, which meant more of my valuable time to be then tied up riding back when I was just minutes away from home with a client possibly sitting waiting should the meeting run to long.
I picked up the phone, called, explained my position to my boss to be granted permission to drive solo. Sat through the meeting of changes to be implemented next year feeling the growing irritation over my being stifled to move, flow and change at my own speed. The minute it was over I was out the door, drove home to find my house of 24 hours earlier of cleanliness and order… door opened, all the lights on, the computer blaring and only a portion of my youngest son’s chores done.
You got to be kidding… I was so mad, so angry, so seriously hurting everywhere, as I cleaned and organized my horses hay, water and feed. Re-digging the drainage line from the round pen to allow it to finish drying out from the much needed rain, and I felt this tugging at my soul, as I crumbled into a bawling mess begging the Universe/God to Help, Help, Help me!!!
The phone rang and I proceeded to be allowed to vent, rage, talk myself sane with my finest friend as we sifted and sorted through the feelings of such stuckedness we have both been struggling with back and forth these last few weeks. When she uttered the word salvation or surrender… something to do with all of our conversations about religious upbringing, when I felt the word “punishment” roll off of my tongue to cause this immense relief flood through me, as the full answer began to shape itself in my mind with all of the clues from the numerous conversations of the last month or so.
She had just reached her destination and would call me back later to share whatever the other came up with. I found myself in the need for a space of reflection as I pulled up my choice of meditation, took a deep breath and allowed myself to let it all go. Watching in fascination as my mind began to sort and sift the understandings that had so been puzzling me about my attention to detail, my ability to create immediately for others, my ability to feel what others need before they ask. The ability to read people and animals, to connect and communicate with everything and anything for anybody else but me because I follow the rules so well, just beat myself up and sabotage stuff for myself.
I felt the suggestion about “question everything” go drifting across my mind and the realization of all I do to myself when things go wrong suddenly made wonderful sense… I have trained myself to follow the rules, the law, and the statements of others as being factual, set in stone. Just because someone else “said so”. I have repeatedly punished myself for others beliefs having more rights than me.
Suddenly aware of all the times I have broken others rules or laws to come out handsomely, only to berate myself of the unfairness “it might cause” someone if they find out. If I was late, found money, discovered a different answer, or way to do things or any other millions of things I do that are different than was required… yet usually made a better, faster, easier solution. Just seemed to always make someone else feel bad or unhappy because of whatever reason would make them feel right.
I now realize I can make whatever laws or rules I need. There really aren’t any rules that truly apply to me except my own. I have rights, left overs, yes’s and no’s that apply to me…by me only. I can stop punishing myself for this feeling of not enoughness because I know that God is love. Complete unconditional, no rules, no absolutes, everyone is right, everyone is okay, all things are created and covered by the rule of connection. Everything fits and works somewhere, for someone, at some time, and it’s all okay.
The pains just melted, the frustration fizzled. The fear of being found out of doing it anyway that works for me…It’s all good. It all makes sense. We are all in this together because we and everything is made in God’s perfect image. This changing, adapting, improvising, and becoming, makes up our world. All the differences give us color, variety, change, creation, diversity and an assortment to choose from. I choose to love every part of me, anyone, and anything, it’s messy, dirty, clean, varied and it is life. Long live the freedom to choose… my own whatever, whenever, however, or why-ever!
I woke up this morning to find myself with this incredible vibrating, bouncing, awake and very much alive energy from the dreams I had last night, which were brought about by the last few things I was viewing, reading, then talking and texting about. Fully aware of all the questions I have been asking the last few weeks and all of the answers that were now so coming fully into my awareness as I am awakening and discovering the me that has been safe fully ensconced behind the mask of uncertainty which frequently still appears frozen in spots on my face.
Though this morning’s barrage of information I almost could not record as fast as it was pouring out of the now almost fully opened door from my past. The very past I have been accused of running away from, trying to escape, and thoroughly avoiding like the plague of disaster I had felt I was to my family, in my total inability to quietly, easily, and correctly fit in. In my constant tendency to run full tilt into one sometimes painful encounter of “you did what, your grounded” after another. All the time being reminded why can’t you be more like your sisters, the occasional mention of how messy, tom boyish, bullheaded, stubborn, totally unpredictable and “who do you think you are”. To remind me there must be something wrong with me, because no matter how hard I would try… the little “brat” in me would escape and run the havoc of playing horsey, jumping over things in horse fashion, only playing with my sisters if I could bring my horse statues and get dirty.
Even being enrolled in tap and ballet so I could have feminine virtues was an interesting test between the older lady assigned to keep all girls returned to their appropriate classes, if found standing on the toilet seats so not to be discovered and sent back. Before I could make my mad dash up the stairs out to the freedom of the outdoors, then down the block to the library, to be later collected by my mother as I was deep in the fantasy dream world of horses, riding, playing, romping out on the plains, in the mountains, or splashing on the shores of the ocean.
Free to be me. Fully loose, engaged in my desires, happily rambling along for hours after the spanking or groundings of who I was going to be and the things I would accomplish. All brought fully home to the very core of me of the slight chance of impossibility in the latest barrage of others attempt to entice me to fit in to the newest, fastest, easiest, most successful way to make money… lots of it… fast. Just not for me,and I can say this with full confirmation that the Universe has my back.
I have become aware of that it pays for me to notice when things come in threes. There is always some piece of information I have asked for, now being presented for me to understand and do more or less with in my further learning about it. This present third attempt had all of the right words put together to cause me to click on the video…which on this particular site finally played all the way through on the third try. Leading me to another video, with me already on the alert the next move would be a choice of ease or discomfort as it began to reveal itself.
I so love my listening to my inner self, because even before the video opened, the headlines on the page were glowing brightly… Stop, delete, this is not for you! So I quickly closed it all out, deleting the other two possibilities, and high fiving myself for noticing and listening to my body in finding which direction I am to now head.
Suddenly so many questions were being answered in rapid succession, now that I had finally found the key to understanding and listening to “all” of me. I realized the reason the different guys I have dated in the past kept coming up. Why old stories and tales would occasionally make themselves known in situations where I would use them to clarify some point. Why I have had so many memories reappear for me to look at, sort and sift through. All of this was so I could find, recognize, validate and love the parts and pieces of all of these that are the truth of and for me.
I so appreciate my good friend whom I have been sharing this journey of discovery together, as I texted her for about the twentieth time last night with all of this information needing out and to be recorded, even though I knew she had already turned off her phone. I know our greatest gift to each other has been to truly listen to what the other one is saying… without condemnation, correction, or opinion. Being a sounding board for each to hear what they think they are saying, repeating statements the other might not even be aware of is coming out of our mouths, allowing the other to go on any kind of tangent of thought or thoughts. Then connecting back the dots to those things that stands out as being more important to either of us than we are aware of because of the constant references to that subject in some form or fashion.
We all need to be supported. Each and every idea is just a little seed that can take us to innumerable places if it is allowed to be planted, nurtured, and encouraged to grow into something bigger, newer, different, beautiful, imaginative and life giving to not only the person who first planted it, but also to all of those whom it touches and causes them to be amazed or inspired into becoming more of themselves in the process. I so love breathing life into ideas and assisting others to find, recognize and kindle their own ideas from a spark to a full flame. I am a sharer, teacher, lover, listener, and recognizer of the worth in each and every one of us!
Funny how I started this post without actually having any idea what it’s title might become, and at the moment with the still throbbing ache on the tip of my finger the title seems even less important, because I know I am on the trail of the solution to what p.a.i.n.s.(pay attention I need something) me at the present moment. Now that I have cleared the more pressing answers my body had been trying to get my attention about. Kind of like what I have noticed about many things in my life. The loudest, most annoying, the tastiest, slowest, fastest, whatever is in our main line of focus, usually gets our fullest attention.
Especially for me, since I feel and know that is how I best get and receive my guidance from Source through the sensations I notice and do something about. Or ignore until the object becomes too loud or sore to be left unattended, like I have done with both of my two index fingers in the last few weeks. As the one on the right hand at the knuckle only aches occasionally when I get mad at someone else for their causing me to be aware of my neglecting of me when I put them and their opinion first.
Though the left one I have tended in that hmmm, must have a thorn, sticker or splinter in it… it will fester and eventually come out on its own. Except for yesterday when I finally realized the solution to my what felt like a daily pen cleaning ordeal (this morning he cleaned them flawlessly without reading my blog or me saying anything). So I then sat down with tweezers, a needle, a pair of tiny surgical scissors and good light to pull off the hardened calloused spot, and hopefully easily extract whatever laid embedded there.
To find nothing as I probed, squeezed and prodded, except for the story that has been rambling in my head that seems so… just there out of reach. A place I visit occasionally, enjoy for a few moments, play with it, then put it away for more important things. Discovering this morning my finger has had enough of my nonsense and excuses as it annoyingly pointed at me “you’ve dealt with the anger, figured out about other people’s opinions, the need for a fresh start, and all these other roadblocks to your living life for those you know… Now go, write, find your truth, and find this answer that keeps playing with you in your dreams. Leaves whispers in the silence, shows up on emails, opened pages, license plates, and passing signs. Go write, explore, live like you imagine, search the piles of no’s, not acceptable, doesn’t fit, and everybody elses ideas. It really is okay!”
So I came in, sat down, opened emails, laughed and shared on Facebook till I felt a little more relaxed, less pushed, and prodded still unsure what might come out…
It’s been years (no ache from finger) this story so safely tucked away, which I only am allowed to play with in dreams and occasional meditations that I am usually guiltly startled out of. The trail would get warm and inviting as I ventured out upon it, then would speak of my desire for this dream out loud, not aware of the invitation to share was not denied, more just rewound for me to figure out my life long habits of others first. Until I changed and learned it really is okay to be the me that I almost lost, as I seemed to always be running so hard and fast trying to fit who I was supposed to be to others.
My dream had to hide, bury itself deep enough to keep the flame of remembering loving myself and that one amazing year experienced without anyone from my past to walk in with their rendition of who I had been and would always be…according to them. The safety of being completely new with no labels, no expectations, no siblings, family, or acquaintances opinions to be compared to, as I created the me I had fantasized and dreamed about growing up in the big city of San Antonio. Miles away from the country life, horses, cattle and cowboys that so cause my heart to race.
My soul began to fly, my wings to spread as that life sprouted and came to life in and around me. No denying having fun, experiencing anything and everything hundreds of miles from home, up in the big country of Alpine, Texas. I came out of the cage of others expectations as I explored all the nooks and crannies of living out on the land amongst cattlemen, ranchers, and fellow students away from home for the first time learning to experience and find themselves.
Of meeting this one guy, becoming friends, supporters, compadres, card players, and cronies in the crimes of shenanigans that come with freedom from rules and watching eyes. Being introduced to his folks, sharing meals, late nights at the hotel desk with others studying, swapping tales, just being whoever we desired, as we easily parlayed a lot of our shared secret dreams into reality.
Brought to a close, when my parents picked me up at the end of the spring semester and he came up to help load the truck. Clean cut, shaved, nice shirt, jeans, boots, and his brown cowboy hat with the over-sized turkey feather reaching over to introduce himself, before he hefted my book loaded down foot locker into the back of dad’s truck. That look on my parents faces, I was doomed, I had done the worst thing possible… chosen without checking the rules and guidelines laid out for the girls in our family.
My finger’s not aching. The tension in my shoulders that I hadn’t noticed when I started, just went slack, soft. As I realize I’ve been pointing at my own heart, so locked away from losing this piece of the puzzle. The dream inside so many of us which one may not realize may be behind the symptoms in their bodies that mysteriously keep them in pain, sick, hurting or waiting… for them to notice their very own bodies are trying to connect with them to fully be alive, by validating and becoming whatever truly makes their heart sings.
Seems like a such a big or even huge obstacle to so many people. They read books, articles, how to do’s and the like. Yet seem so stymied to find or latch onto what that may be for them. In this last week of sorting through the myriad of stories about my own weekly journey, caused me to really watch, pay attention and notice so many tiny details into what was easy, felt good, and my energy just bounding all over the place. Compared to the times and the day I felt like all I wanted to do was climb back in bed and bury myself deep in sleep.
Only problem with that is… I love my life when it flows, zings, zips and amazes me, enough so that I decided I could unearth this occasional stuckedness. Especially since one of the ladies at the retreat kept telling me how lucky I was, how much she wished she knew what her passion was, and what could or should she be doing to figure it out.
Luckily for her she had already done what I always explain are the simple rules for me working with or helping any one:
1. The only bad question…is the one you don’t ask.
2. Ask for ideas (which create possibilities)… not opinions (which to me box one in)
3. For us to work together it has to be fun for my client, their horse and for me.
4. At the end of each session the client is expected to have improved ¼ of an inch per lesson.
5. They have had to felt like they learned something that is applicable to them and their situation
6. They have plenty to take with them to mull over, and when they are ready, they want to learn more.
7. Lastly they are expected to always ask me or anyone else: Why are they supposed to do whatever is suggested? Then have whoever suggested it to show them how! Be willing to say no if whatever is suggested is uncomfortable in any fashion, though the thought may be stored in their toolbox of possibilities for some other time.
So I paid attention. Noticed the nuances of fun, excitement and energy flowing through me, compared to the contrast of feeling tired, exhausted and even nauseated at the thought of moving just a little. Kept my attention focused on the answer showing itself. When I began to truly notice little things right out of my direct gaze, to find myself being led or guided by my peripheral vision. It is one of the wonders the horses have taught me to be more aware of.
Seems when we look so hard at what is right there in front of us to see… we miss the stuff that is right out of the corner of our eye. Ever walked through a room going to do something, and caught site of something just on the way to where you are headed, that answered some question you had asked earlier and sort of forgot about for that moment. Then as you are easily accomplishing what is now your focus, you spot something else which makes the way to do what you originally intended easier, simpler and more satisfying… thus accomplishing two things at once.
I have had tons of stuff manifesting all over the place as I learn to more and more get out of the way of “having’ to do something, instead just let my intuition, my peripheral vision, and my gut guide me. Which puts me in such an inspirational writing, living, loving, sharing and being just me mood! Then it hit me about the energy ups and downs that so allow me to be so passionate one moment and so blah the next.
I had read and been told that one’s passion is something one can do 24 hours a day, be as enthused to do it when one gets started, as one is when one finishes, ready to start all over at the next opportunity, will do it whether they are paid or not, and always wanting to learn more. My passion is something I have known since I was small… horse crazy since I can remember. Just with only me to pursue the desire, nurture, keep alive away from the naysayers and support my dream in my head…( long story for later, but I did not get my first horse till I was away at college. Not all are that lucky to have such a desire go above and against what others saw me being and hang on to it for dear life.)
But this week I discovered the up places in my energy when I was not playing with anything horse related, just my life related. Give me an idea, let me spy something that needs to be fixed, could be changed to be easier to do or understand,or get a hunger for some particular dish. And I come alive. My mind racing with creativity, desire, passion, adventure… as I allow the creator in me to not settle for what another would do, say or feel. I find this amorous, hungry, sensual creature, who prowls at any event that causes me to just sit… I want to participate… get my hands in the clay… make something, create a new form, find a new way, or eat a favorite dish in a new way. Doesn’t matter, but oh talk about being alive and passionate.
Even in cleaning, I have discovered the passion of order, newness, and simplicity of accomplishment by allowing myself to feel each step and do that which feels easiest and next, or rearrange everything for more ease and flow. Especially after my down evening yesterday, after completing fixing all the fences on the place and I walked into to try to move off the level of the game I have been stuck on for weeks. To find my energy just draining into a pool of yuck, a cold drink, nope not even half, my stretches, nope tired. Finally gave up and went to bed early, though I thought several times of writing but…
That is the long pause, as I felt the trapped in my thoughts of I might not be good enough, that put me to bed early. Thank God for sleep, long hot soapy showers, and my listening to my internal niggling as I readied for and then drove my route. Passion, energy, aliveness is creating something, anything that causes a rush…not a have to or a must. Just wicked, wonderful, recognized for selfsame desire , it is what I am… a capable, crazy, happy, creator … just like God wants us all to be! Free to be…Me, to change, become, create, breathe every moment in. Helping myself and others to find their connection to their dreams, ideas, adventures and life!
I have discovered me!!! It is so inspiring to have come so far with you lovely, wonderful, caring, and sharing people at BLC. This last week was an adventure as I shifted back and forth between my place here Floresville and the ladies horse retreat I participated in and instructed some of in Boerne, Texas in the Hill Country. This picture was taken last Sunday afternoon at one of the higher points of the 500+ acres ranch with almost all of us who were out on the trails. I am the one with my mouth open on the short little horse who has come the furthest with me in the last 6 years of my returning to a place of health and love on the inside.
I am at peace now with many of the things that kept bugging me, niggling at me, frustrating me, inspiring and actually forcing me out of the protective shell I had crawled into to survive. Thankfully I have the peeps at the Boundless Living Challenge to share with because of its wonderful creator Bob Doyle keeping the site up and open for us to use.
I can now say with full confidence and understanding that setting a goal, or a few goals can be accomplished when one writes them down, then shares them with supportive others as ideas in the making, and makes constant small steps forward toward them. Especially the uniquely important step of seeing the final outcome…already achieved, and thanking the Universe, one’s God or Creator for how it happens.
There is an entire book inside of me that came to full completion after this last 45 days, especially during the retreat get-away. Where all three of my horses I took with me… showed me who I really was, how much easier life is to live in the now, how important it is to let others keep their responsibility for where they are at and aide them best by guiding them… not holding their hands.
How much any word can screw us up… if we are only aware of one or two meanings for it, our reaction to its use on us from some place in our past where we were taught or shown that was the only acceptable answer. How any situation can change instantaneously by our intent toward it. How the last minute idea might be the gold mine we have been working so hard to cause to happen some other way… because the answer doesn’t fit the norm, who would believe us about it, and it’s not possible from the opinion of all the others we have been confiding in… giving an entire world permission to stop or condemn any and all ideas that might otherwise flow so freely into existence.
I love writing about this this morning. I feel like a million dollars, now having full access to such a wonderful magical kingdom of myself, with both the keys to every door and the freedom to expand, rearrange, redecorate, imagine and create anything my heart desires… the ease of knowing how and my eagerness to put the words into print to share!
Okay I love all of you for your responses, care and support… I have such an incredible new view on the entire path I have been on in this life. Learning one totally incredible, important lesson… No one is bad or mean or whatever… another would choose to label it, because we as people have such a limited view. One of the examples I use when explaining how someone could do whatever another judges as wrong is… If you grow up in a house where stealing and lying is the only thing you are exposed to as the way life is… it is not wrong…it is life. Unless you learn or experience “through the path of least resistance” some other way, and decide it “feels, looks, or seems better” and make the choice to choose otherwise…It is what it is. It is always a choice. Usually to me, three choices: to just be exactly how you are, become much worse, or much better… making a decision, following a desire, or going for a dream. Those are all choices, and without some kind of contrast, we have no way of knowing there are choices.
Until I would come across something that was such a bigger drive or desire than what I was told was right or I was suppose to do. I just helped, existed, lived and thrived in the situation I was in.
At 12 I stood up to my father, for my dog, I bought with my money I had earned, when she was 3 months of age my father was going to send her away to be trained to hunt with his money. I REFUSED, I wouldn’t budge, couldn’t be reasoned with, bribed, yelled at, or intimidated in any way to allow them to send my dog away. I told them I would do it my self, and I did but she wouldn’t hunt for him.
I found a power in standing up for my dog, I did not know! It makes me the incredible person I am now. My parents did the best they could with the understanding and experiences they grew up with and was taught to them. To raise a family, to live life, to expand and grow within the limited sphere of available knowledge at the time.
There is so much expansion in the world today that keeps expanding at an ever increasing incredible rate. People back then, and still now in some places, are taught what is right by the standards of their churches, their schools, their associations and associates mostly because standing out takes “quoting Betty White A brass vagina”
Blame and the excuses so many have been given is so much easier, blame the world, its because I have this problem, there is something wrong with me or the world so I cannot move forward. BS I constantly am blessed with the discoveries of the layers of everyone else “that I consciously allowed” from fear, learning and being taught fitting in was everything!
Not anymore, now when I write I do so to sort the latest place I find myself in. Many times extremely fascinated with how I will have an entire blog in my head, to find mere smidgens of it actually on the page. But all of that is okay, I usually need what appears just as much as the people who read and share with me their recognition in reading my words.
I love each and everyone who finds their way to my blogs. I know you have found your way here when you asked so poignantly to God, the Universe, or Source some question with such huge desire for an answer that it led you here to read and have show up in your own mind either “the answer” or parts of an answer that may take you to the desire you cherish more than you might even know to set yourself free to be you. Exactly like you are, tye died, green hair, blue jeans, boots, a nose picker, beer drinker or sweet tea, a cocktail, diet food or fast food. You have just this immense desire to be totally who you are and are now willing to fully claim it.
Because I am! The little me, always has loved horses, animals, outside, the dirt, blue jeans, boots, cowboys, sharing, teaching, trying something different, having fun, and experiencing the moment… I bless each of you to follow or find that feeling inside you!
There was a saying I remember about “Curiosity killed the cat… and satisfaction brought it back!” My cat like tendencies are to sit, watch and wait for the appropriate response. From my life of studying nuances that are physical, mental and spiritual in aiding the animals and people who come to me. I am so granted a view of the myriad of pieces that compose the puzzle of knots (not’s) that are in need of untangling, unraveling, and untying from periods of stress, overexertion, and plain old misunderstanding in communication from two distinctly different forms of life.
The human being looks at life from a constant flow of information from the past, present, and future who many times has been taught to depend upon others for sustenance, housing, love and approval to belong. Animals live in the moment, depending upon instincts to allow them to live, eat, breathe, drink and survive in their ability to just be alive. The biggest difference I have come to recognize and willing learning more about on a daily basis, is their ability to think and feel successfully to tune in to the necessary response in most any given situation. There is no rationalizing it out, thinking it through, wondering how it will effect tomorrow, how in the world some ancestor did it a long time ago, or does it matter to some other animal. It is about them choosing what is good or bad the outcome to live or die.
This today has brought me much relief in finding out a perfect feeling answer to the recent slew of visitations from a man from my past in my memory, when I had the realizations this morning “I feel, I love, I am alive”! Seems in the last few years of healing, digging through and unearthing all of the layers of me that erupted into that one single moment when my body had had enough. I have healed almost 100% physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It is those last little fragments of understanding about thinking and feeling that have kept me searching for an answer of ease, simplicity, playfulness, the ability to relax and truly enjoy this new way of life I have been exploring and expanding into the whole of who I am, now.
When this morning I felt the answer as I was fixing myself some coffee in the early hours before I walked out to feed and meet the day. I thought how I would like my coffee as I felt the taste sensation vibrate across my palate of a certain amount of cream, sugar and then topped off with just the right blend of coffee. I had my answer the minute I opened the old can of coffee to mix the two or so remaining scoops into the new one. As I tasted the bitterness in the air, aware of now needing to thoroughly blend it into the entire can, wondering how much time I was using in all of this saving a few cents. Thoroughly amused at my ability to think a thought to feel the air for the bitterness of reaction from my senses and my sudden arrival of pleasure with a simple answer to all of my confusion over this remembered love.
I can feel! I can remember someone who loved me unconditionally as I did him! There were no rules, no one else’s opinion mattered, until I chose to trust someone else knew more about what was right for me than me. I had “given” my rights away because I never once thought I might deserve otherwise. I had such a reputation as “the goat, Cathy did it, and now what” all of this attention and responsibility to dance as fast as I could trying to stay away from the spotlight… so “they” (whoever they were) could be happy.
His sudden reappearance last year and now, have been all about having fun with myself and another no matter what. I was doing it safely in my mind at first, then out loud when I told a friend or two. Then finally outrageously as I admitted it out openly. I Can Feel! Now with learning to slow down and feel, really feel how each and every thought, word or movement feels. I can create good or bad. I have enough sense to know if it is pouring down muggy drippy rain, to go inside, get dry, change and do something else.
This has all been a lesson from my higher self to slow down, think, really feel, pay attention, and then, only then when it feels good do it. Unsure…wait, feels bad…duh, do something else, anything else that feels better. I so love myself for my willingness to experience it all, play the game, allow for the answers, figure things out. I am fantastic, life is good… and there is always more as I consciously live fully in each moment I can create and set the mood by choosing how to feel about it!
I have been sitting here with a candy bar. It is a King Size Special Dark Hershey’s Chocolate one because as I was finishing up my route for the evening, I started thinking about what I would like to have for dessert after supper this evening, visualizing the dark chocolate that frequents my favorite ice cream. Imagining the taste of it, the satisfaction it brings when I allow it to melt in mouth, thoroughly engulfed in the way that particular type of dark chocolate, taste, feels, delights and arouses my full attention to the feeling of luxury and indulgence that I so delight in. Having done a full at least five minutes of enjoying the delights of the evening to come, I continued with the rest of my route. Parked the bus, and then proceeded to the meeting place with my youngest son at the high school welding shop to pick up my repaired stool. The whole time, planning, seeing, and deciding upon my options of my intended route for the chair, feed, ice cream, ice and chocolate, before 4:45 at the grocery store. When the store is too jam packed with kids and parents headed home after school for me to fit into my intended time frame. Deciding when I arrived at the school with no son in sight, to then proceed to the shop, talk with the instructor, pick up my stool, all the while noting the time and my intention of honoring the 4:25 agreed upon time or he’d walk home.
At the appointed time with a no show from him, I proceeded on to my next few stops, choosing to forgo the store because of the crowd. Heading instead to the local convenience store where they sell awesome large bags of ice, and a variety of treats for me to taste in my mind to find a close match to my already intended treat for the evening. Spying the Hershey bar and a small container of vanilla ice cream, I figured I would at least hit close to my intention. I paid for the ice and stuff to come home to find my son busily cutting grass, sheepishly admitting he had forgotten again and wasn’t I proud of his mowing to make amends.
I was cool about it, I had my stool, my ice, my ice cream and the dark chocolate. All the while thinking about how good the candy would be as I continued to wrestle a solution about how I was truly feeling about a guy I knew in high school. Who appeared in my night and day dreams almost all of last spring and summer from somewhere hidden deep inside of me, and then reappear this last Friday night. Causing me to consider why and where was this was coming from. Though not near as much as the voices of reason that was going on in my head. The whole story of caring, loving, fitting in, making sure I took care of everybody else… but me.
I took the first bite of chocolate… and knew it wasn’t what I wanted or intended. My mind matching that to the couple of short, polite, carefully constructed notes I have made in an attempt to re-connect. I am eating the second piece of candy, thinking how it is so not what I wanted. Yes it is dark, yes it is chocolate, yes it is here. But it is “NOT” what I truly want to eat or wanted to say…
I heard my mind correcting and warning me the few times I have written. Being polite, trying to take care of him, in case he is married, mad at me, aware of weirdo’s, stalkers, strange things that go bump in the night, or any other scenario’s that I have learned happen to go with improper etiquette. I wished him Happy Birthday a few days ago out on Facebook with his initials and totally freaked out when he replied, much less with a set of letters I didn’t figure out till I quit panicking over “What had I done!”
I then calmed down enough to send him a very polite response over wishing to talk, though not a clue about what, to be greeted with a dream of him calling me that night, my family in the room and me walking away from them. I chose him, I didn’t think twice about it, I just got up and walked out. Now in eating this not even close to what I want bar, I realize I love him, I loved our friendship, our time together, the playing, the working, the just being.
I so have bought into how my heart’s choice would be wrong for everyone else… I walked away from a whole lot of things, after him, and have been settling, selectively choosing to hear from everyone else what they need from me so that “they” will be okay. Closing off the deepest part of me. Which I have only truly rediscovered in the last few years, as I have uncovered layer by layer all of the beliefs, ideals and dreams of everyone else’s idea of me. To truly find this afternoon, when I realized I love me, I love him, I love my ability to choose and listed to me first, last and foremost.
I’m worth the trip back to the grocery store for the white chocolate raspberry truffle ice cream. I am worth a letter from my heart stating my truths no matter the consequences. Because I am the best judge of what it is I desire, seek, want, and need… Which I will only acquire when I line up my focus, feelings, and thoughts with absolute certainty toward what I intend to zone in on as the best life for me!