Woke up with an aching feeling in one of my bottom teeth, the kind that for me usually signals something stuck that is aching to be relieved from in between the slight space found between teeth. I wandered toward the bathroom pausing momentarily as I saw the light on in my office. Which around here at 7:30 in the morning, definitely means someone (my youngest son) is up on my computer, so I stuck my head in and asked if he had done all of the morning chores. Per our agreement for computer use this early in the morning without asking and waking me. He stated yes, and that he would make me a glass of instant breakfast to clinch the deal, since it was his responsibility today to take care of fixing something for us to eat.
I declined saying I would rather go get a real breakfast down at the café. He said that he would find something here so he could utilize as much computer time as possible before my return. Finally getting to the mirror in the bathroom to view the tooth in question, noting to the side of it a sore from me catching my gum with a toothpick last night. I then brushed my teeth, talking to the one in pain, asking it what was going on that I had somehow missed… No answer, so I proceeded to shower, dress, fix my makeup and hair as I then visualized my morning’s journey whilst quickly throwing a load in the washer and after moving last night’s load to the dryer. Noting the tennis shoes I was throwing in would look so much better with new white laces to be acquired at the dollar store next to the café and off I went.
One stop shopping at its finest, to walk in right up to the needed item, no waiting as the cashier met me when I came up with my purchase, rung it up and as I was digging for the change, pulled the few cents needed from the penny donation container on the counter to return dollars instead of change. Headed into the café, found a lighted booth facing the door, ordered, pulled out to read my latest Kindle book as I enjoyed their really good breakfast offering. All the while aware of this niggling pain and what it was trying to convey to me. With no answer easily forth coming, I proceeded to the convenience store for teas and dessert for both him and me later in the day and to then head home.
Walked into a disarray in the living room of all of his stuff, thrown here and there, definite shoe marks from the barn to his room, and then met by a very pushy 14 year old, who attempted to grab his dessert to just wolf down. I corrected his intent by pointing at the floor, the mess now found in the kitchen and questioning if all chores had been completed, because until I had checked…he would be getting nothing.
Wandered back into the office to go through my email after I had finished another rotation of wash, all the while aware of my tooth suddenly aching louder just as he came back in with the dessert being devoured, stating his chores were accomplished. As I was going through my email I could feel the muscle in the back of my neck and the top of my shoulder all trying to add to the symphony of aches now coming in chorus from various parts of my body, when I caught myself looking for another email to defend myself from my disinterest in the current male.
I could feel this dawning of awareness between the aches, and the guilty/rude behavior I have been witnessing, acknowledging, and sugar coating my answers for in an attempt to make telling another No, okay. All of a sudden this desire for my ritual Sunday nap after a week of 5:30 risings, 5 horses and 2 or 3 lessons a day, hustling a 14 year old boy and then being “Nice” to a man when my senses had already alerted me to “he’s not it”. What in the world I have been thinking/drinking/smoking!!! I put on a meditation tape, noting as I started to doze, my son’s sneaking back in to play on the computer, but my body was in need and I was taking care of me, “First”.
I awoke knowing the tooth ache and mouth sore were symptoms of me “biting back words” being nice, accommodating, kind… seeing another as unable to take the truth, them not being able or willing to do something different, they’re not being able to be okay with my choices for me… Damn, I am still doing it, but at least I am catching myself sooner. I am becoming more aware of my still reacting first, then feeling if it is right for me or not, I can feel my body softening, relaxing, allowing me to feel good even now as I am writing all of this out.
I do believe my current challenge is to becoming a perfect, friend, lover, confidant, partner, trainer, and coach to my wonderfully tolerant loving body… the temple of my knowing, feeling, spiritual, aware, sensing soul. I am going to learn how to successfully really hear whatever it is trying to tell me as I become a true team player. Remembering there is no I in TEAM!
A unique 48 hours living with the feeling that I have been somehow still separated from all of me. So like many other things in my life I have been paying attention, looking around at the circumstances and allowing life to show me the mirror of my inner conflict. Which has caused an interesting stream of information to cover my buffet of life, much of this bringing up feelings, stories and situation I had been so extremely sure I had dealt with and laid them to rest till last night’s freshmen football game and the introduction to a new interested male into my life.
My horses as per usual keying me into different faucets of the scenarios before they actually came about, starting with the typical interest of another via an old internet dating site I occasionally decide to peruse. When I do, allows my ad to evidently become more current to catch the eye of the newest seekers, shown by interesting mail in my email folder, to where I went on line, read their profile, aware of the groan in my gut, and then answered it anyway. As several other things were of interest, and flirting is fun, so I sent off a quick reply. Then spent the next few hours in this place of unknown fear, as all of the hidden concerns about where I am currently at in my life, and how that might appear to another reached out and got my full attention. I was amazed, dumbfounded, and fascinated there was this much reaction to a simple query, but there it was. So I waited, felt, fretted, then talked myself into sanity of the fact that I can only deal with something when I know it exists. So I did with a few simple emails, each time checking with myself, with each word I typed, then I would send, receive and process each step accordingly.
Which led to last night’s first home game for my youngest son’s freshmen team and an interesting meeting with my older sister. We were catching up on the summer, and the her last class reunion as she told the story of one of her friend’s and how she was finally, officially, out in the open, dating the guy that everyone knew she had a thing for (evidently in my sister’s circle) so was now seeing. My entire system jumping to full alert, my mind going back to my life in high school and college, over the two guys I had such great friendship, love and admiration for…yet they did not fit my parents standards, curriculum and goals for me. So I walked away, did otherwise, always surprised when either’s picture shows up and the intense desire to know “What if?” now almost 40 years later.
So imagine my complete surprise to find one of them in my dreams, telling me he is in Mexico, he has been just now able to decide to find me, but has been kept away because he is so many things not on the list of the “right guy”. I woke up sort of puzzled as to why now, I have not dreamed of him so specifically, ever to my recollection. I went about today wondering what gives. To have several circumstances with the horses being wishy washy, finally getting them and the rider on trakc. Have several items owed for, but I do what’s right, allowing the one to pay to walk away and not ask for services rendered today. I know they will be back tomorrow, I just am so uncomfortable asking for my money, right now, today. I take this feeling of inadequacy back with me to drive, thinking and feeling for resolution…but nothing.
I come home and start looking for something to distract me, anything else other than worry for the answer which is not yet coming. Finally two internet games later, I find a game that is fast, different, and intriguing enough to fully engage my mind. I allow the answers to appear; How can another give to me if I cannot and will not give to myself. I have not allowed myself to explore the venue of relationships with another in almost three years. Because I have been successfully attracting those that fit a totally made up list over what sounded good. Based on height, occupation, mustaches, physique and the like…none of it really deep down true or what truly matters.
It’s all based on outside perception. Not a sense of feeling, the ability to know, the snapping to of my intuition to full attention, as all of my senses become aware. My very being knowing him, this long time easy feeling of friendship, this person who gets me, and I him. I do know the feeling. I have managed to do an entirely fantastic job of turning off each and every faucet that would allow me to function as all of me in this respect. I have separated myself from my biggest fan, lover, and friend…ME! I so apologize to myself for thinking I owed it to anyone to be untrue and disloyal to the most important being any one of us has the glory to know, honor and love.
Batten down the hatches, full speed ahead… I am allowing and honoring my right to have whatever and whoever it is I damn well please! 😀
It has been a totally eye opening, deep down awareness to my very core of the amazing ideas, beliefs and habits I have been taught and bought into…hook, line and sinker. Just luckily enough I had the ability to feel out and ask the right questions, albeit they were to my inner self, my spirit over what is it that is truly going on in my life. What are the things causing these incredible dips, and curves in my life? The desire for this answer has been an almost lifelong adventure. Usually rearing this incredible question when my life circumstances reflected head long collisions into a reality I would have solemnly sworn I did not ask for or expect. But ohhh… how I would notice and feel the after effects on my body, mind, and spirit of…“Where did that train come from?”
Thankfully now, almost five years later from the biggest rebirth of my entire being, mentally, physically, spiritually and abundantly. I find myself staring back at this massive pile of strings, once tangled, knotted, intertwined, colorful, new, old and strange. Picked apart, carefully untangled, slowly rewound, sorted, disposed of the unnecessary, the used beyond useful, the tattered, and the torn. Into wonderful new, neat, clean, pretty, almost ornate arrangements waiting for me to re-weave, tie, or put them to use in ways that I find in need of at any given moment as they await for the magic of my desires, dreams and wishes to make use of them to continue building and expanding my wonderful world of creatively coaching and assisting myself and others to find and follow their gut instincts of what feels right to them.
Feeling more like it has been months since I have written, I came to the amazing final conclusion and turning point of truly knowing I found the loop hole, thread or key to this incredibly simple solution I have been so committed to understand, unearth, find and now have gotten to the bottom of. Writing here for the last hour or so just letting the rest of the pieces slowly, completely come together in my new tapestry, after I awakened from a real deep, long, relaxing, truly Texas style siesta. I felt myself asking me “how can I handle this current money situation?” To truly feel the tug of calling another, asking their advice, checking the stats, almost giving in to the habit of needing another’s approval.
Every cell in my body came alive to full alert. I felt the uneasiness, I looked around to find my office in order, espied my computer to feel this need to check my mail and interestingly open to the first one about a test to find out if, and how much one is still stuck in fear of change, success, unworthiness, loss of identity, and failure by Carol Look. As I was taking the short simple test to see where I am currently vibrating at. I felt all of these internal comparisons to the degree of agreement or disagreement within the test to effortlessly allow me to feel and see my end result now easily attainable. I clicked the finished button, to be led to the results which found me still a little hesitant, uncertain…COMPARED!
I opened to the Yahoo homepage to find the story of the young lady who did a year without mirrors’ even on her wedding day, it glowed with the light of “watch this” the answer you seek is part of this too. So I watched, listened and felt to find myself alive with a new found understanding of what it is I have been internally knowing, intuitively seeking, aware that this simple truth has been right there in plain sight all this time. Yet I have been blind, unable to see, because I had so inadvertently understood/taught… I needed others opinions to make my life, love, decisions, ideas, dreams, desires, and all the rest… okay.
In the last few weeks I have had the wonderful gift of a client who constantly questioned my prices, my way of doing things, my equipment, my training, and my contracts as I was slowly being led down the path to my present awakening of my right to be me! Any and every way that I choose to commit with certainty to being, as I was slowly being prodded, pushed, cajoled, and then told that “the customer is always right!” Which set off this lightening reaction within my entire being as I reiterated how “Appreciated, Loved, Cared For and Paid According to MY Contracts” I am because I am absolutely wonderful at what I do from all of the rest of my clientelle. I stood my ground, I demanded my rights to just be me, and I expected them to pay me. Then come get their horse and find another place to do business!
To have the Universe grace me with them bringing in the law, a veterinarian, and several of their friends who all reiterated my rights, the wonderful work I had done on and with the horse, that the owner’s choice to stop therapy because it was continuing to cost them, it was not my job to do so without payment for services rendered. I did not realize until after the last few days of allowing the dust to settle. How much of my life I have been taught to turn over to others, because of the constant comparison factor of different opinions or ideas that now I find amusingly runs so many of our lives.
I love the resonance of freedom I feel from this simple, though so very deeply ingrained habit, that I have so lovingly and carefully uncovered to now find the gem of all of me here to rely on for anything and everything as I am connected to God, the Universe, Source, the world I live in by how “I” see, or view myself. I only lose that connection when I try to be, look like or fit into any other mold that may be out there. “Trusting me”, such a simple phrase, lost many years ago, don’t know how, or when, or why…and don’t really care about that part of my past. I am just so very glad I have discovered that my solar plexus, my gut instinct, my feelings, are so much more accurate than my head, eyes, ears, or outer ways of bringing in information from others are taught to be. I really can trust my feelings because they are mine and mine alone!
Hmmm… this took a little bit of time to allow it to fully percolate in my mind. With all of the listening to various successful coaches being interviewed for the latest Teleseminar that I have been invited to check out for a possible new way to attract more Abundance into my life. This feeling like the umpteenth million (could be exaggerating just a tad) set of coaching calls to cross my path on my way to becoming??? More Abundant, Allowing, Attracting, Aware, and all the other A words that have found their way to my email box since my initiation into the world of Universal laws not commonly found in one’s generic schooling.
But that is okay, mostly because I have always believed that desiring and attaining more knowledge is the key to health, happiness and life. Though sometimes what we are learning about, hopefully teaches us to quickly and eventually find the flip-side of what is our current experience. All of this bringing me around to what I have figured out for me, as I allowed the sudden breaking up of the audio book I got for my birthday, hence suggesting to me I had learned enough, back off, allow this to sift, and let the globs of discomfort, and the aching Knee-d (need) in my leg to be felt/heard.
The minute I stopped the player, my mind flashed back to the energy clearing with the little girl on Saturday. The steps I had used from the book’s instructions, the instinctive additions, and ad libs I used to get such an easy profound change. Suddenly I felt a bigger picture, I saw the hook, tease, bait of almost all of what was being offered up front. Minus the finale, albeit maybe not intentionally, except I have listened and done enough self-help things to always fall just short of the miraculous finish I was expecting.
I found myself staring at the much sought after prize of my full path, my reason for coming, maybe even most of ours purpose. The very idea of what it is I am doing most of the time, in a lot of area’s and ways, just not all of the time, because now looking at it… to quote Abraham “The hard part of it, is it is Easy!”
I came here to figure things out. To get into situations, to learn, grow and expand. By figuring out what it is I next want. Like buying a car, one decides on the make, model, year, price, color…. Then buys it, to decorate, furnish, accessorize, add to it all the things that make it mine, individually to my taste. Many times with others suggestions, some that we really don’t want, but do to not hurt another’s feelings (instead of just trusting ourselves completely) Dating, marrying, associating with others, going to school, getting jobs, living somewhere, moving somewhere… on and on the list goes. Just that when it goes wrong, falls apart, changes, or we change, we keep digging around in yesterday, trying to put it back together, fix it, destroy it further…
All of that instead of realizing we created it, and now we are ready to create the next new thing. Which we create ucky if we are still hauling around all the garbage of yesterday, instead of just taking out the good parts and trashing all the rest of it… This includes unknown habits, thoughts we continuously think and express, like a computer stuck on rebooting, because the computer is full and needs more memory. This is easily accomplished by deleting old files then dumping the recycle bin, saving the good stuff and updating the computer with more memory or a new computer.
Now add to that my energy work with the young lady, and what I did from pure instinct and actually remembered parts from my EFT certification. I didn’t just release the old emotions; I kept replacing and updating her memories of what we were working on. I would ask her to describe how she was feeling by describing where it was and what color it was. All of her descriptions were of yucky colors. I would then do the clearing work, with her then describing the new colors, which she would then describe as pretty or softer shades of the new feeling.
So many of these self-help things I have done over the years describe the process so that one replaces the old with something new, more desirable. Though I have heard it and attempted it, a lot, it’s because of yesterday and my new image I have placed in my mind of how I see Source… I now have this image of Source as my friend, someone I would love to hang around with, have fun with, someone who treats me fantastic, that I can kid with, completely be myself and I just love them for being themselves.
I am driving and all of a sudden Tom Sellek pops up just talking to me, asking about how I am doing, how’s my day been, what kind of fun thing do I want to do later, throwing small bits of popcorn at me. Kidding around just having fun being ourselves! Suddenly I am aware of the God image I have lived under most of my when I was Catholic life. I have no memories of him ever smiling, laughing, having fun. It was always about rescuing, healing, saving, adoring, giving to him….all work toward eventually being good enough.
Darn… not anymore I remember, very vividly a phrase in the bible that showed up on neon sign many years ago and played through my mind for days afterward. “Be still and know that I am God!” with me changing the inflection of each word in that sentence. I know God made me in his perfect image and likeness to come here and create as his instrument. I am a creator…I now know I am suppose to be me, to constantly create more of what I want, and focus on. By Jove I think I have this figured out… I so love my life!
Wow, Easter morning, the time of awakening according to many of the religions of the world. Funny how it has coincided with my own awakening to and of more of my connecting to source, who not only made me in the perfect form to be me, but also sent me here with the perfect way to always connect back to it for guidance (God-U-&-I-Dance).
An awareness and confirmation I have been on the trail of for years, just finally getting more grounded in my understandings of the many situations I have created, faced, gone through, survived to either repeat, because I kept seeing the problem as: from out there, caused by other person, places or things. Or changed by taking responsibility to either move, adapt, or improvise to a better place or condition. Still traveling this desire, dream, understanding, or memory that has always coaxed me forward to come this way, left here, hard right, stop, listen, now feel the calling.
On a never ending quest to soothe this strong, powerful feeling of peace, love, completeness for or toward an instinctive, intuitive idea that I now understands resides inside every one of us, so begging to be noticed, recognized and lived of being in love. Love with the moment, with another, with an idea, with any number of things which allows us to be truly in love with ourselves…right…now! Now being the key to everlasting peace, because now is always changing, it is the most amazing word I have come across and finally understand. It is always a present moment that disappears, to become anew “now” the moment one utters, thinks, or is aware of it.
The last few weeks has been an unearthing, digging, delving, sorting, listening, watching, truly participating in every aware second of “now” I have paid attention to. In so doing this have been guided down a trail of truly understanding my life, my role, my intuition, my instincts, my Self. There has been an itching, stretching, yawning, expanding in almost every corner of my body. As I get a feeling to look here, try this, touch that, read this, listen to this one, soak this in, hear how that feels, and when it even begins to feel just the slightest out of tune with me. Stop, walk away, listen to the strongest most powerful tool at my constant disposal…my own body. All of these wonderful cells, constantly dividing, replicating, changing and becoming more of me.
I had been sent a link to listen to several different awakening gurus (for lack of a better word) to non-subscribers as a gift until the end of Passover from Shifra@TheGateOfUnity.com. Since it was a freebie, gift, offer that arrived while I have a long 3 day weekend, no bus driving on Good Friday, no clients on Easter. I was excited to find there were two audio’s from Jennifer Hough whom I have only recently listened to and gotten so much wonderful energy release from. So of course listened to one of hers first, to find myself reaching a new resonating understanding within myself. Causing me to then select two other speakers, each with a link to a free bigger taste of their teachings, with a buzzing going on in the back of my head, to find both were blind alleys, their alluding to the free sample, after I commit financially. Then in fixing supper, have my youngest inform me of the latest broken dish being my fault for choosing something that did not own up to his standards of handling things. I flew into this festering, how dare he criticize how I choose to spend money I earned. Which then exploded into this loud conversation, then dialogue that became a talk, as a whole lot of loose, lost, old, misunderstood communications came out into the open, to be seen in the bigger perspective of problems from before right “now” we had both been caring around, shoving, using, and manipulating each other with.
The whole way through the conversation I kept listening to my body, my cells, myself, as I felt first the anger, then the frustration, the rage, denial, fears, acceptance, finally understanding. At how long I have been putting out the fires of others. This big Ahh Ha, caught me front and center, I have been so trained in it not being okay to be me, in any way shape or form that another made even the slightest hint of “no not that” I would become the magical EMT to the rescue to fix, repair or replace whatever to fit in, be okay.
This morning I woke up in love…with my body. Who has so awesomely been there for me through everything. Always loving me, always doing the best for me, always waiting on me, breathing, living, surviving, thriving. Even when I was off in my mind doing other things, It has always held my spirit lovingly in its embrace of my life! Thank you body, you are magnificent, I pledge to listen to you better, more, and treat you like the wonderful loving partner you have always been to me!
They found me yesterday, as I was going about my rampage of cleaning up with the aid of the riding mower back with two new blades and a new belt. I had this short space of time in between lessons, and I so love the instant manifestation I get out of a freshly mowed and weed eated yard. Loving so much the feel of the power to make such quick, seeable changes, doubly so to get so engrossed with feel of getting the mower on just the right path to accomplish the most work of both cutting and clearing the new cut grass. Lost in the thought of the feeling such magnificent ability to change in such a very viewable way, when the idea of seeing another from an unbiased, unconditional way that I had newly re-discovered earlier came upon me. Then unbidden from my past started coming statements about my being ugly when I was younger, from my Granny, my mom, and several other older women from back then. These statements, “you look so ugly when you do that; That’s so ugly of you! How can you be so ugly to your sister! Don’t you know you are being ugly when you don’t share! It is so ugly of you to be angry! And on and on… I was so surprised with each statement that came up. So I started tapping, recognizing them, thanking them, and then letting them go, amazed at the peace that started replacing all of that old stuff. At the time they were said, not meant in any way, except an expression of the time, a threat used to get another to stop whatever behavior another judged as wrong or inappropriate. Just to my young mind, a further justification of the thing that must be wrong with me, why I didn’t fit in. This was a belief, which for years has kept me captive, even more so on the day I gave vent to my anger of the situations going on in my life, mad enough to continue raging for what felt like hours. Though in looking back to that time, it was just long enough to allow out this need to be heard, causing my body to reel in shock, collapse, and disbelief of my crossing the threshold of good, loving, kind (doormat). Into mad, angry, I want and deserve it now. So my face gave me permission to be without restraint, no feeling, no movement, no nerves working on the left side of my face, so I could fulfill that deep-seated belief of “I am ugly if I get angry at another”. In musing back now, 24 hours later as to my realization, aware of the journey of the last 5 years, almost attaining all movement again as I no longer leave myself out of being fully allowed to do whatever I please, however I choose, because only I know what I need, believe, and desire. I am a wonderful, caring, loving, creator…creating my dreams as I allow myself to breathe, fully in each and every moment. As I re-create each area of my life, I examine the old, keep what is of value to me, dissolve, give away, or change any and everything that comes into my realm of awareness. Giving back, that which is truly felt as deserving from within my heart and soul! I love my life, breathing in, breathing out, tasting each and every moment!
Haven’t been writing in a while, even the start of this feels a little slow to warm up to mostly cause I have been digging, considering, figuring and allowing myself…to find out about me! Simple enough though it would seem, except for the layers of a life time of other people’s opinions, ideas, thoughts, wishes, and expectations of or about me that I have found and decided to go deep underneath the pile of accumulated knowledge to find how much of me, was really the me I intend to continue to be. A big portion of all of this searching I realize came from my response of the constant stream of things I do every day in observing or participating in the world that surrounds me, and I invite in for deeper introspection when I put my full focused attention upon it. Sometimes finding startling clues to doors in my mind, I have closed in my misunderstanding of my ability or right to even consider perusing, much less actually having the right to be or want what is in there. So as I dug, I discovered anger: deep, huge, ugly walls of roaring rage from denying myself to desire small, big, little, even large things, and I allowed the anger out. First little bits of it, afraid of its (I’ve been taught) destructive power, then more and more and more till it all came boiling out… finding myself more whole, more settled, more just okay, with my ability to just be… angry. Then I dug to discover hunger: fasts, starvation, deprivation, denial, loss, to snacking, sampling, eating, gorging, fully stuffing myself; again starting with small portions, till I fully embraced the feeling. Slowly step by step, feeling by feeling, I found my way through the myriad of possibilities, the misplaced puzzle pieces, the strangely placed, out of sync directions to my soul. It felt dark, encumbering, lonely, slow, tiring, encouraging, and finally fulfilling as I reconnected to the many parts of me, I slowly embraced and made peace with. First feeling I was working on this large puzzle of my life, until I began to step back to find the bigger perspective in this trail of backward movement in response to my desire to be clean, clear, and thoroughly knowledgeable about me, before I make any more definitive steps, toward my deep long time desires, hopes and dreams which have been quietly put on hold, as I knowingly rearranged my present understanding of myself. Yesterday’s discovery was the benchmark I was so in need of locating, after the path that had revealed itself to me last weekend. The path of stepping stones of my life, each stone made up of an individual puzzle, some in my journey back in time I discovered were assembled, just with pieces not quite in the right order. So I stopped, took them apart, slowly, lovingly found the feel of how they fit for me “now”, moving from one stepping stone puzzle to the next, till I had traced back to the puzzle stepping stone of punishment. The I so wanted to be right, because in my memory, wrong equated being punishable. I found the little girl/family misfit and sat with her most of the morning, tapping on this being right or punishable. Till I found the piece so shoved in to the border, pried it loose to find the only one still punishing me, was me, in my habit of hanging on to that old thought. Once I rearranged the pieces, I found the opposite dilemma of reward only if I did it in the manner expected or accepted. This piece was much easier to dislodge, turn around and lovingly replace. To finally find the biggest piece(peace) I had been seeking, it’s all within each and every one of us. We are just so conditioned to fit in, be compared to someone else, be someone to please another’s idea for us, there seems to be this incredible tug of war that some of us are stuck in, looking for all the answers out there. When the feelings of what feels good within us at birth to guide us are dimmed and silenced by those who love us with the best intentions. Coming from lives lived in adapting to their growing up in environments which did not always encourage living life to the fullest for themselves. I have my youngest son to thank for my peaceful direction forward as a writer, trainer, lover, teacher, competitor, friend, and adventurer. From the last few weeks of fighting, struggling, forcing, feuding, finally giving up as he received expulsion from alternative school to end up in boot camp. My total dismayal and horror of being a unacceptable mother, turned around to find his calling in his flat out excelling at all this hard, rigorous, physically testing, strenuously rigid, format. That he is so excited, and totally enjoying, working toward a “t-shirt” as Elite Squad Cadet Leader. My fighting for him to be okay, was just the thorn, begging to get out about me being okay as me! There is tons more about the horses, the cats, the dogs, and the clients within theses last few weeks, which contributed to my new understanding, which will unfold blog by blog, now that I have found a stronger, better connection to the me within me!