It’s been awhile since I touched the keyboard to do anything except play and communicate with those people who touch my life and reflect back to me exactly where I am at any given moment. Which up until about 15 minutes ago… was decidedly still stuck, drilling for an answer in the same quagmire of life that I have been living and sorting through for the last seven years trying to find all of me.
This has allowed me to delve into many realms of answers, ideas, and solutions found out in the world around me, both locally and via the internet. Though as of late I could really feel that I have been basically turning over the same rock, in the same fashion, just with a slightly different twist each time as I think back over all of my writings… because each of them all point to the fact I have still been stuck. Existing, living, sharing, and progressively improving my position in life with the ever elusive goal… tantalizing and teasing me so seemingly right in front of me, only to then once again slip from my grasp.
The best part being, I am stubborn, determined and wonderfully supplied with a constant stream of horses and their owners to have a look see as to where this stuckedness is still coming from. Thankful as the money flow and communication with others has been constantly on the upswing. This has provided me with a new horse put in training 19 days ago, a young filly, just turning four, started with ground work, one saddling and once being led around with a child on her back, now to become the new mount for one of my newest students of the last two months.
The filly has been quite an interesting puzzle coming from a friend who does fantastic groundwork as evident with the last two horses of hers to grace my place. The only difference is with this mare is she expects to do exactly what she has been taught, her way, when and only as stiff and unyielding as she can be. Leading to the incident of the introduction of a rope that I looped on the saddle horn, which at the sound of hondo being tightened, she proceeded to take off bucking and running as hard and fiercely as was possible, before finally settling into a three hour trotting in full flight session.
This massive distrust of any movement away from her personal ideas of how things should be, causing her to duck, turn, and rapidly cover every foot of the pen with the rope just kept off the ground as I used it to constantly direct and redirect her. Occasionally garnering a stop, till there was any movement she spotted or heard coming from the rope still casually attached to the horn. About the time I was considering maybe I had stumbled onto a horse that I would have to physically out last (so not on my list of accomplishments) When from across the road the neighboring mare gave out a loud whinny, causing the little mare to snap her head around in the other horse’s direction as she slid to a stop to investigate.
Wonders of wonders… The sudden transformation from a determinedly possessed to wear one of us out wall-eyed in full flight, I found myself watching this horse suddenly become docile, soft, listening… as I watched what was the necessary catalyst to snap her out of her habitual fear response. Much like slapping someone in the face to get their attention when they become hysterical, allowing me to marvel now two days later as she continues to amaze me with her progress, each day doing more, easily meeting me at the gate, looking forward to the grooming, handling and riding.
This caused me yesterday to decide to tackle Freckles my small appaloosa and see if I could find the missing link that has caused him to be so stuck in his training, as it dawned on me that he too has consistent habitual freeze, don’t move, responses to many of the things asked of him, causing me to reflect on my own sense of feeling frozen in place. To find myself 32 hours later with two horses, completely and freely moving, listening and socializing with me and my training as the common denominator caught me suddenly aware of the rock I have been looking under… the rock was the answer, it’s my golden nugget. I have been looking on it, under it, around it, talking about it, just not able to see it for what it means to me and for others.
With training horses, there are two truths… either they are comfortable or their not. When they are comfortable they are great and easy to be around, if they are not there are four common reactions to their problems: fight, flight, faint or freeze. In dealing with these two animals I discovered my own life patterns staring me in the face. My fighting to be right, to be heard, to be alive or to have my life my way… My flight, running away from myself (and getting nowhere fast) doing busy work, saving and rescuing others, any dozen of excuses to run away from walking “fully” toward my dream… Freezing with cold feet, excuses, kids, trucks, weather etc. etc. And lastly fainting, sleep, drinking, eating, movies books any dozen of overindulgence’s that I have to finish or wait till I am done, before I move to the next one…( I was so taught to finish what I started)
Here today I now know my stuck habits, I have looked them in the face, discovered I am in charge of me. There is no more defining moment than to feel the freedom in catching oneself so determinedly being caught sitting on the fence, with all of these perfect reasons and plans why not to move! Why it seemed so important to figure it out… with the having to figure it out just as much as a delay factor as the rest. I feel like such a burden has been lifted off of me, as I have been smacked in the face with my own true reality, that I teach and tell others on an almost daily basis. We usually need most what we are telling to others… Imagine that!
Seems like the gel time in my thoughts from the start of this blog in my mind almost a week ago, kind of got stuck in that funny stage of… no not yet, almost there, oops, no this other one first, then another, till finally a little while ago I felt the center of the pool of goo that has been slowly trying to set, and voila… now it flows easily out onto the page. I am giving myself permission to be okay with this too.
I have had these ever increasing bouts of tiredness and occasional pains as I was trying to come to a comfortable medium with me over what all of these symptoms from within my body, has been trying to communicate with me. Especially since each of the various aches or sensations I could easily figure out on their own.
Such as: first one of my horses shows up a little lame on the right, then a second horse gashes open his left foot, till finally I get myself stepped upon and bruised all the way from my ankle to heel. To then be blatantly asked after I have been working all day, then bruised, aching and hurt… “Mom, what are you fixing for supper?”
I then knew that I was allowing others to walk all over me if I was fully engaged in something else and then stopped to tend to their request. Even in as simple a way as stopping to answer a question, or pointing out an obvious answer that I knew they knew better than come ask me.
The other aches and pains usually followed the path of my not seeing another as capable as they could be to finish some chore or task completely. It seemed such a pain for them to try to do it better than expected. Same as the suddenly feeling extremely tired, over exhausted, just wanting to crawl deep under the covers and sleep the nagging feeling off. Till I realized it was just my body trying to get me to see the round cage I had trapped myself in, of doing certain things the same way, seeing the same answer, and struggling with the exact same results. To being so worn out, I wasn’t looking up to see there was no real top on the cage. There were rails on the side walls that at any time I could have climbed up, over and out. Except for I was having this huge dilemma of not seeing there was such an easy tool I could utilize, untill I had the last three days of lessons.
Where in each of my students would get to a certain place of frustration, trying too hard, and so good at beating themselves up for things not working out at home. Though they were telling me of the things that were getting easier, I could see so much progress and hear so much of the joy as they would discuss the fun of enjoying the changes that they were experiencing. With my ever present attention to the way they were handling the horse as they were telling about the issue they could not find an answer to. As I watched their body language showing how they were stuck, the answer they needed usually as simple as how they were holding the reins, the rope or their body. They were stuck by perfectly mimicking the exact moves they had been shown or taught.
And it struck me that once again the answer they needed was the exact one I had been searching for…
The permission to try something, anything and everything different, than what had been taught or shown them. By getting creative, shorten the rope, sit taller, slump, turn sooner, later, move the objects, discover if there was glue on their fingers holding the reins to their skin. By getting them first aware, then laughing, then to have them play with the tools they had, look around to see what could be moved, or rearranged. Watch the horse, play with how they were standing, or the aura they were projecting.
Mostly just giving themselves permission to have fun with this, even if there was a possibility I might write about it. I am good about keeping who secret, being way to aware this is just as much about me, as it is about them. Because I know we are all mirrors to each other of what is going on in our lives. And this giving one’s self permission, is truly an important thing. As I realize now how most of my life, if I was given a list for another, I would accomplish it all.
Of course I would, if it kept someone else happy, I was not in the limelight, main spotlight, could not be nailed for whatever was wrong. Plus it explains why I have been so lifelong patiently waiting for my turn. I had been “it”, chief player in the who was to blame.
But no more… I now give myself full permission to play. To be first, to have it my way, to love, smile, laugh, cause joy, spread craziness, just muck around if I want to. I can now choose it all or none, a little or a lot. I give myself full permission to come out and be me… No Matter What! And it feels fantastic… waiting really does have a sweet pay off!
Woke up several times this morning before I actually decided to hone in on my thoughts, the ones that were rapidly swirling, evolving and becoming this insistent urging to get up and write it all down. Allow the keyboard to assimilate the evidence, align the possibilities and arrive upon the answers I have been moving steadily toward since a challenge I answered at BLC in November of last year of putting a goal out in public view, therefore having to actually commit to honoring my words to myself. Or quitting, giving up, throwing in the towel and just leaving things as they were… which to anyone who really knows me that is not an option.
Last night at our family Christmas party I received many things from my constantly being generated anew list, as I participated from a different feeling, more centered, more aware, totally new set of eyes, and ears. Listening, observing and participating from a perspective of “Lord, what would you have me see? How can I help? and What do I need to know?” as I watched the evening unfold as the various participants arrived, each one clothed in the reflected image I most needed to see about myself. There were the reflections of love, caring, fun, interest, hunger, sadness, distance, anger, hate, frustration, selfishness, weariness, and fear, all present in different packages, groups, ages, sexes, and beliefs.
Showing me the various paths I have tread on the road leading up to this reconstructing of who I am. This morning’s first thought was of me as a giant two sided jigsaw puzzle put together many years ago by caring hands who were following the instructions dictated to them by the slowly evolving generations before them. No one, ever, intentionally meaning to do any harm or wrong. They were each trained and schooled in the life path they had found themselves upon, no better or worse, just life as it is, as it unfolded around and before them. Taking the necessary steps of survival, understanding, caring, learning, and sharing that were part of raising a little girl, who though not by intent had several of the pieces in my puzzle that I use to think were missing, I discovered had just been put in the wrong place many times with the opposite side facing up. As I watched last night’s presentation of players in full view from my now broader perspective of the niggling question I have been struggling with over the haves and have nots, why me, when’s my turn and what else do I have to give up or away for someone else.
Suddenly having spring to mind the last half a dozen horses to come to me for training or re-rehabilitation with almost all of them showing symptoms of the right shoulder, left hip’s in ability to move easily and effectively. I had been pondering how I have the same issues…just the opposite side of my body. When the light went on, a mirror reflects the opposite of what’s being viewed. So all of the people in the room were reflecting back to me parts of me, hidden from my ability to perceive, from being so stuck on crazily asking the same question and expecting different answers. Aware of the incident with my youngest son’s dog crazy barking experiment just several days back. Where when he would not stop yapping, but instead of yelling at him to stop, I started focusing on when he was silent. Keeping my attention firmly on the spaces of quiet, fascinated at how easy it was to choose, yap or no yap to focus on, to find within minutes without ever looking at him, I suddenly found the peace I sought, both with the dog and myself.
I decided to implement this with much success, as I won the game of the evening, had my gifts delight the recipient, no struggle, no hurry, just slow deliberate choices. Found several of the felt like drama about to unfold till I chose to focus on a smile, the baby playing, the flavor of the food, or remembrance of the morning’s lesson with the new horse. As I took the time to be aware of what I was seeing, then feeling, I could then choose to do focus elsewhere and it would all change just as quickly. I became aware that all of these what felt like ugly, festering wounds were only coming up to be examined for the pieces they were of my own puzzle, unfortunately at some time, hurriedly jammed, stuffed, or forced into place by my learned perception at the time. Just needing to be taken out, reexamined and then place where they really did fit, were loved and appreciated.
There has never ever been anything missing, except for my lack of understanding, inability to step back and know, much less see a bigger picture, taught and learned from others who were doing everything in their power to assist me to get to today. To find the peace(piece) in every moment as I now carefully flip, turn and lovingly reassemble, reconstruct and rebuild all of the myriad pieces of the new found love of understanding of the world that is always reflecting the answers I seek. As I even examine, and rearrange my very bases of support, so very proud and appreciative of all of the talents, and tools I have acquired and now share in my exchanges with any and all others who ask as I help to reflect back their true worth and abilities to help themselves too!
All this work, all this digging, all this examining, excavating, feeling, and awareness for answers/solutions to this current place of stucked-ness, that even my computer is pointing out that that word does not exist as I desire it to be. I tried the variations of actions my computer program suggested, yet none of them fit in “My” description of this latest tale of self-discovery. This evening’s rendition of the war of words unleashed when I went to make myself a simple desert and discovered my youngest had emptied almost the entire can of whipping cream, less the two liquid tablespoons which were summoned out by holding it upside down and they dribbled out.
There is this place of enoughness, a condition brought about by being nice, kind, considerate, and mindful of one’s manners because… we have guests, the elderly, men, ladies, young ears, and I should mind my place in the doing of dishes, putting out the meal, serving the kids and several other womanly chores that surfaced at today’s family gathering. Which brought up memories of Thanksgiving pasts when I knew both of my parents full time working situations and used to think how totally absurd it was for the women to have to do it all whilst the men lounged around, sampling the food and watching TV, and yet the women only got to relax after they had done it all.
I had spent the day deep in thought over the togetherness of my sisters and father’s family, the new things I desire and the space still between them, held apart from this unnamed sore point from my past which showed up in my waking as a tugging at my left shoulder and neck muscles early this morning. Staying to niggle at my consciousness as once again, the pain (pay attention I need) was alerting me to something about to become clear enough for me to change or release.
I had felt perfectly comfortable with most of the day’s activities, till the last several incidents here at the house with my youngest, doing the just getting by effort, with the final straw being the same old excuses turned into an old habit of trying to make me feel guilty for having to do without the whipped topping I had set my mouth for. When the words just came boiling out, angry, mad, and extremely frustrated, though for a change I could feel myself actually editing thoughts and feelings as soon as the tirade began, fascinated with the memories flooding my mind. As I worked my way through the explosion, calming myself, I became aware of the uncovered flawed beliefs, which had been firmly wedged beneath layers of that’s what women did.
My mind stating that there is no one here to hold me to that now. I can make new choices. I can have the very life I was shushed at for when I was much younger and told this it just how things are. Suddenly feeling a huge sigh escape from within as I found a sense of wonder at the ability and power of the tool of anger, when the lid on top of the problem is so tightly wedged and screwed on that the only way for things to come out is with the steam of energy prodded up to then beyond the boiling point.
Aware too, of the young horse I have in training who is so perfectly physically balanced, she knows the minute one is in just the right position for her to move and jostle inexperienced riders out of the seat of power, so she can maneuver her way back to where she wants to go. Much like my youngest son’s ability to tamper with my temper, where in the past he would prod my kettle till I got mad, to then apologize like crazy, make all kinds of promises to get his desire met first with no actual intention to do the follow up. Not tonight, tonight I found myself watching, aware, and changing as I noticed not only all of me, but all of him. Felt the parry and thrust of my well trained teacher of a child as I finally earned an “A” by getting mad, being made aware, getting over it, and still accomplishing a feeling of amazed relief now that all is said and done. A very learned and happy Thanksgiving indeed!
What an interesting way to become aware of the subtle shifts going on within me, as I become more conscious of my feeling for each thought I think. This morning being an incredible awakening to my own and other people’s power to create exactly whatever reality they are living, as my alarm on my phone went off from some place different, further away than my night stand next to my bed. I lay there listening to it, knowing it was telling me it’s time to get up, its 7, there is so much to do… But I didn’t care; I was so comfortable all snug in my soft, fuzzy blankets, cuddled up to my super fluffy stuffed donkey. I just wanted to soak up the good feeling warmth, close my eyes and enjoy comfort. Allow the morning to find me later, as the noisy ringer drilled, then faded to silence as I lay there thinking of yesterday’s incredible last minute call to bring a horse that they finally decided, I was the best choice and did I have an opening.
They arrived exactly 2 hours after they called. Accompanied by one of my former students, her husband, little boy, and two horses, the one to be sorted out in the next month of training, with the other to be evaluated for possible training in the future. As the first horse was unloaded I became focused on how tight, tense, and nervous he was as it was quickly accentuated by the handler, trying to control the horse the best way he knew how. I walked up, asked for the halter, and started my dance of handling the horse, while explaining as quickly as I could my maintaining a soft, asking feel on the lead rope, with my full attention riveted on the horse in a calm, assertive, it is okay demeanor. This was rewarded within about 10 minutes with a big sigh from the animal, a softening of his eyes, as I maneuvered him, from dancing about head held high, till he was softly being led past the new sights of my place, and into his temporary pen.
I then asked all the necessary questions as the paperwork was being filled out. To then turn my attention to horse number two, doing a full body, agility, and in hand, under saddle, walking and talking both to the horse and my audience as I explained what I found and how their untrained eyes could find signs in future horses as to when things may not be as completely comfortable for the horse to do, by watching their feet, their eyes, the ability to move with simple suggestions by the handler which a soft, supple, relaxed mount can accomplish easily.
As I came to the tail end of the demonstration I became aware of the dynamics of the energy of the group, aware of the subtle play of a power struggle going on, that just swayed me into that feeling of needing to protect another. Thankfully about then the little boy, made a bee line for the house, with the mother running after. Causing the situation to right itself, as payment was made, final questions were answered, and they loaded up with a promise from me to call with the remaining horse’s progress by next weeks end. Which as I lay there, mulling this over in my mind. I suddenly became aware of several incidents this last week where I considered stepping in to help another, even though they didn’t actually ask. It was more of the body language of a wounded, save me, I am helpless look, that caused me to stop and reconsider how both situations have been going on for a while. With lots of stories of “whoa is me, I don’t know what to do, it is so rough” etc….
I got up with these thoughts running through my mind, to fix coffee, breakfast, and clean the kitchen. As my youngest came through, in a hurry, to make the parade with his welding class, explaining as he walked out the door about how he would eat when he got there. I just continued on with my weekend chores, took a shower, and after about 3 hours was started with the new horse. When my son came back, wanted to know why I didn’t fix and leave him left overs and when was I coming in to fix lunch.
And it hit me! He and she and all of us, we create are realities. We can choose to be bumpkins, dumpkins, put upons, rescuers, life savers, rich or poor. And I would so serve my fellowman better if I would see each and every one as capable of all of their strengths, abilities, and intuitions to have any and every thing they choose. Because it is always a choice! My choice right now is to apologize to each and every person I have ever not seen as totally completely capable of choosing their thoughts, to say yes or no to any situation. Just many do it unconsciously, not taking the time to really, truly slow down, breathe, look around, see or listen to what they are saying. It is my job to see each and every one of them as powerful creators. Capable of shining or not shining their own light brightly as children of God. Wonderful, capable, lovable, shining images of the Universe in all of their own unique characteristics, thoughts, colors, creeds, and livelihoods that make up this awesome world we all live in. It’s the contrast that causes us to realize we can choose…more, less, nothing, or it all. So simple.
Woke up with an aching feeling in one of my bottom teeth, the kind that for me usually signals something stuck that is aching to be relieved from in between the slight space found between teeth. I wandered toward the bathroom pausing momentarily as I saw the light on in my office. Which around here at 7:30 in the morning, definitely means someone (my youngest son) is up on my computer, so I stuck my head in and asked if he had done all of the morning chores. Per our agreement for computer use this early in the morning without asking and waking me. He stated yes, and that he would make me a glass of instant breakfast to clinch the deal, since it was his responsibility today to take care of fixing something for us to eat.
I declined saying I would rather go get a real breakfast down at the café. He said that he would find something here so he could utilize as much computer time as possible before my return. Finally getting to the mirror in the bathroom to view the tooth in question, noting to the side of it a sore from me catching my gum with a toothpick last night. I then brushed my teeth, talking to the one in pain, asking it what was going on that I had somehow missed… No answer, so I proceeded to shower, dress, fix my makeup and hair as I then visualized my morning’s journey whilst quickly throwing a load in the washer and after moving last night’s load to the dryer. Noting the tennis shoes I was throwing in would look so much better with new white laces to be acquired at the dollar store next to the café and off I went.
One stop shopping at its finest, to walk in right up to the needed item, no waiting as the cashier met me when I came up with my purchase, rung it up and as I was digging for the change, pulled the few cents needed from the penny donation container on the counter to return dollars instead of change. Headed into the café, found a lighted booth facing the door, ordered, pulled out to read my latest Kindle book as I enjoyed their really good breakfast offering. All the while aware of this niggling pain and what it was trying to convey to me. With no answer easily forth coming, I proceeded to the convenience store for teas and dessert for both him and me later in the day and to then head home.
Walked into a disarray in the living room of all of his stuff, thrown here and there, definite shoe marks from the barn to his room, and then met by a very pushy 14 year old, who attempted to grab his dessert to just wolf down. I corrected his intent by pointing at the floor, the mess now found in the kitchen and questioning if all chores had been completed, because until I had checked…he would be getting nothing.
Wandered back into the office to go through my email after I had finished another rotation of wash, all the while aware of my tooth suddenly aching louder just as he came back in with the dessert being devoured, stating his chores were accomplished. As I was going through my email I could feel the muscle in the back of my neck and the top of my shoulder all trying to add to the symphony of aches now coming in chorus from various parts of my body, when I caught myself looking for another email to defend myself from my disinterest in the current male.
I could feel this dawning of awareness between the aches, and the guilty/rude behavior I have been witnessing, acknowledging, and sugar coating my answers for in an attempt to make telling another No, okay. All of a sudden this desire for my ritual Sunday nap after a week of 5:30 risings, 5 horses and 2 or 3 lessons a day, hustling a 14 year old boy and then being “Nice” to a man when my senses had already alerted me to “he’s not it”. What in the world I have been thinking/drinking/smoking!!! I put on a meditation tape, noting as I started to doze, my son’s sneaking back in to play on the computer, but my body was in need and I was taking care of me, “First”.
I awoke knowing the tooth ache and mouth sore were symptoms of me “biting back words” being nice, accommodating, kind… seeing another as unable to take the truth, them not being able or willing to do something different, they’re not being able to be okay with my choices for me… Damn, I am still doing it, but at least I am catching myself sooner. I am becoming more aware of my still reacting first, then feeling if it is right for me or not, I can feel my body softening, relaxing, allowing me to feel good even now as I am writing all of this out.
I do believe my current challenge is to becoming a perfect, friend, lover, confidant, partner, trainer, and coach to my wonderfully tolerant loving body… the temple of my knowing, feeling, spiritual, aware, sensing soul. I am going to learn how to successfully really hear whatever it is trying to tell me as I become a true team player. Remembering there is no I in TEAM!
Woke up this morning, aware, for the first time in forever of the load I have been carrying, because of the beliefs instilled in me. Some from fear, from frustration, from respect, from family, friends, well-wishers, teachers, foes, and life’s lived in being here on this planet experiencing life in our exposures to others. With each of us in a constant state of learning from everything around us, not always having the same sort of lesson’s, adventures or situations to teach us where, what, or even who we are.
For each of us, it is as different of a journey as we are unique, individual creations. Many times being in places or things that when compared to another’s situation, cause us to come to conclusions that may hold true for that moment in whatever state of feeling we find ourselves in. Grappling, struggling, doing, having, enjoying, or just being alive. Many times lost as to why? The why’s cause more questions, the kind that seek understanding to the feelings that come up, good, bad, right or wrong. Those answers sought outside of ourselves most of the time because we needed to know, and looking inside is, or in my case was never really taught. There were all of these rules to follow; printed on papers, memorized at school, in church, the media, in instruction manuals, and from our society.
Though the only rule looking back that I now see so very differently was the one “You know what is right or wrong!” and now I get it. But it is because I have learned to look inside, to trust my gut, to find the connection I had so believed and was taught came from without. Never realizing my true source of information was not all of the learnedness within my head, but in my body, right below my heart. My solar plexus, connection to my center, my gut instincts, this place of knowing that argued for me for years as a child. Struck down with a spastic colon which would leave me curled up in agony trying to get away from the fear, the pain, the disassociation with myself in trying to please those around me. When so many parts of me where screaming to be heard.
This email this morning from Loving Each Day said it so clearly:
“Be in communion with the Lord. Calm. Clear. Relaxed. Beautiful. Nurturing. Healing. Restoring. Renewing. Forgive. Really forgive. Completely forgive. Forgive completely. Trust. Trust in God. Trust in the Lord, the chief emissary sent as your companion, best friend. Trust in Self. You chose this. You created this. Do the learning. Do the growth. Appreciate the value. Appreciate the opportunity. Give gratitude. Be grateful. Be humble and willing to serve, first to your Self, and then in the overflow, to all of God’s creation. – John Morton”
At the same time of reading it I realized all of the stuff that has showed up and comes up any more, is such a wonderful teaching to me, as I have learned to calm down, take it slower, feel what is truly going on and ask these three questions; “What is it I am supposed to know?, How can I help? What is the gift in this for me?”
This morning I found several of those situations so wonderfully revealing to me, especially the one from my first lesson when I was helping a horse with a saddling issue. The animal was fine when groomed, then the blankets, and saddle were placed on him. No problem when the girth (front piece of tack that goes under the belly and holds the saddle in place) was brought underneath his belly and the adjoining strap placed in the ring to draw it up next to him. It was the motion of pulling it up tight that set him off, to suck in his breath and draw up like a blow fish ready to pop. In my observation of this drastic fear of being trapped into how the owner expected him to suck it up. I became aware of how it would feel to me, my body responding with the thought of ask first, don’t just cut off my ability to breathe in.
So we started over, this time when the strap was just touching his belly, we just snugged it gently with a downward motion with his breath. He tightened, felt for the jerk up…nothing from us… then he breathed. Allowing him to get comfortable, then again just snugged it in an easy downward motion. Again he waited, so anticipating the upward jerk, expecting a struggle and breathed when there was no accompanying tug. After several more attempts from start to finish, the horse stayed calm, finally yawning, and eyeing us. Suddenly I saw myself with years of my pulling upward on so many different horses to “cinch them up”, feeling a vast difference with the feeling of drawing it down. Marveling in how much this horse had to give me by allowing me to see the gift, not the struggle, or fear from the old way having to being right.
Each and everything once understood, now to be felt for the truth within. Because we truly know what is right for each of us as an individual. We have free will to think our thoughts, to feel our feelings, to have our own taste and choices… when we go within and trust ourselves!
Taking the last few days to ponder, watch and further understand the many things that are constantly in my line of vision as I decide upon which road to travel. In all this looking, living, and being aware, just in any moment, I stumbled upon a truth that my inner consciousness has been guiding me toward.
I am fascinated with language, I love to read, use to would read anything that would be in my grasp when I was placed in situations that required waiting. At the doctor’s office, car wash, at a restaurant expecting another or even during the meal if I am alone. Though I am much more fascinated people watching, especially in the check-out lane at stores with all of the most recent magazines, papers, favorite selling books, and the tabloids with their big headlines of the newest or most bizarre things with the expectation of what is of interest to others. My craving to know more about where and if others are fully focusing on what they are about, or are they too sometimes easily pulled off their path by the energy of something new, something different to broaden their minds, fully awaken or further deaden their ability to feel what is going on in their life. Looking for guidance or relief from the pressure of the current big question which feels so stuck in their face, after they have haggled with it, turn it, studied it, fought with it, to be so backed into a corner they give up and wait for what’s next. All of this played out so wonderfully well with my small horse of the touch the rope on my left side and my nose shoots hard to the right. I have studied his reactions, truly paying attention to each small step forward. It occurred to me the knots on the halter in the place they fit on him, might be interfering with what I was asking. In such a mood to listen to my inner guidance, I dug out a much smaller than recommended rope halter, which fit him at its further most end, still fitting with my ability to place a finger under the halter at any point. The material of this halter is much softer, even the knots are more flexible. Allowing me a more flowing feel of ask, to be rewarded with his eye rolling back to see what was up with this new item. To then have his nose come down and slowly(2 minutes) rotate back around to actually look at me, then sigh, to bring his face fully around to the position I have been asking for each day.
Looking at him, noticing the knots on the halter half way down his cheek, in a position of fit typically unrecommended, now comfortably allowing this horse a successful new feeling way of working with me. The knots reminding me of the pulling in the back of my neck on the same side as this horse’s head problem. I suddenly realized a new way to view and feel my own physical situation. All of these knots I have experienced in my body at some time or other in my life, usually have followed being told what I can’t, shouldn’t, don’t, wouldn’t and all the other words that are the contraction of the possible with the word “not”. Suddenly I feel just like the little horse, with this big sigh of relief as I feel the tension lessoning in my body. I now know what it is I have been struggling/contracting so very hard to uncover, undo, understand… I am allowed to be me, when I take a stand, say yes, align my thoughts, ideas, and desire, with the actions of my physical being in total confidence. I stop asking others for yes or no’s, information absolutely, the final choice, totally mine by knowing what “feels” best for me.
All starting with my youngest horse whom I have been slowly re-starting. We had him given to us 6 years ago, a very healthy, terrified, blown up 14 hands gorgeous appaloosa, with a hole, that now shows as a dent in his skull that had been added between his eyes by the previous person who started him. It has been a very long, slow, sometimes careful, sometimes very frustrating process. I just couldn’t leave him the way he was, and he has been tremendously instrumental in my learning to re-start my life by helping me to constantly learn and seek new ways to see his “now” view of life. With no information but the scar and the very reactive to everything horse, which in writing this I realize is exactly where I was at when we first acquired him. Then the year of IT (son’s accident, husband’s disappearance, divorce, betrayals, frustration, anger, sickness) when the only thing left was me to turn it around or quit… not ever an option, I love life way too much, plus I figured I needed the lesson to be learned from all of it.
So like the last few years of my life, now so very mirrored in the interaction with this small horse, who even though I am riding him, I can feel the resistance to let go and completely trust. Very evident when with a rope halter with attatched lead rope on, if one barely picks up the rope and asks for his nose to turn back to his side on the right. Softly, easily he follows the slightest feel on the rope. I walk to the other side, trying for the same soft, barely perceptible feel, yet the moment I touch the rope, he whips his head hard to the right, standing there fully braced and waiting. Yesterday’s time for the first give was 15 minutes on the first attempt, by the fifth he was soft and supple. It is amazing to me that it has taken all this time to get to him this far along. Each day a new test in whether I will repeat whatever he is so sure I might still do… before he turns his head, looks at me, to finally allow me to brush the side of his head and face with my hand.
Today’s session for him with my foot trimmer was flawless in having his feet done, when she asked him to circle first to the right which he easily gave and did, just the slight freezing to the left and her time before he softened was 10 minutes. The changes in the time it takes each time in the last week have been increasing closer together, very much mirroring my unearthing and discovering the old “wisps of thoughts” that still cause me to freeze, check, look around, then breathe as I change one more old worn out idea, to allow the new easier thought to become my new way of thinking, and being. In going to lunch to day with my trimmer friend, as we were discussing the yucks and the goodies, I began to pay attention to the energy flow. Noticing both of our energies dipped when we stayed on an unhappy conversation for more than 10 seconds, and that is was so uncomfortable that either one of us quickly helped the other to find the better feeling place where the conversation would pick up and just flow.
I became so fascinated with our good, easy, flowing thoughts, versus how murky and slow it became when an old hurt would surface. I decide to test for it in my writing, to discover wonderfully when I typed about the little horse’s past issues it felt like it took so long to describe and uncomfortable to remember. Yet in typing about his progress with me and then my trimmer friend (like right now) my fingers just fly across the keyboard. Allowing me to surmise, doing something fun is good and easy, wallowing is slow and yucky…DUH! Big no brainer… If it feels uncomfortable, I think of Abraham’s voice in the background saying “Do something else, do anything else, till the curse lifts!” which makes me laugh and I find something more fun, comfortable or enjoyable to do!
Testing… I love each and everyone in my world, whom shares and contributes in all forms and fashions, because of the wonderful pallet of opportunity it brings me to see how my life is flowing and what I can choose to focus on, change if I desire, say “no thank you to” to that I feel does not work for me, and enjoy, by diving in all of that which entertains me, lightens my heart and makes me want more!!