First time in a very long while that the desire to write actually brought me to stop, sit down and just let my fingers follow the awareness’s found today.
This morning found me busy, doing all the things so that everything was in place, and ready for my two Sunday lessons. Round pen watered, horses fed and hayed, all equipment out, available and in place, with a last minute check to see if anything else needed to be done, so that things were just right.
Two hours later, found my students happy, successful, sweaty and glowing with their personal accomplishments. And me in the conflict after scheduling the next set of lessons, even earlier in the morning to avoid as much of the Texas heat as possible.
I was soaked in sweat, hair, shirt, most of my jeans, but at least my socks and shoes were dry and though heavy easy to slip off as I walked back into the welcoming cool of the house. After tending to the washed and watered off lesson horse, to send him and the other two loose for the rest of this Sunday. Aware of the feeling of my every thought, the heat, taking care of all others first, the reality of how great my place looked in perfect order.
Yet I could feel something was off. Aware of the tiredness from last night’s closing shift at 11, in bed by 12 to the early alarm at 7. All of this calculating, planning and double checking… felt off. I got myself some more water, started up a solitaire game, turned on some Abraham Hick’s, to feel the words soaking through my last few weeks of house cleaning to get to the bottom of this peculiar off feeling, permeating my skin at every move.
My eyes became heavy, as my entire body demanded rest, I flipped on a meditation and allowed it to take me away. Awakening to this feeling of recognition of an answer… to find the upside down heart my meditation afghan had formed, tossed off in my body’s desire for super cooling down. The answer ringing in my ears, as I replayed, then wrote out the entire end of the Abraham from earlier to truly let the words sink in, of my “chronic thoughts, that I’m thinking on a really regular basis, that fly in the face of who I really am and what I really know and it’s thoughts like the source within me knows that I am destined to fantastic success and than I am taking score of where I am and doubt that from time to time the source within me knows that there is no competitions. As I sometimes see others in what they are doing as competition and I feel that discomfort in that the source within me knows that what I think I want is still going to expand still further. In other words I haven’t even begun to tap the resources that are flowing to me…”
All of this belief in competition, my opinion of any other, what they are doing, wearing, breathing, speaking trying, becoming or thinking of me. Is not any of my business. It takes me away from feeling good! Away from being enough, better, or worse. It’s a habit of thought brought on by years of buying into “everyone elses opinion” of me matters, so that must mean I must either live up to their expectations or they must live up to mind. How crazy my life has been by believing in standards, trying to fit in, stand out, not fit in or even be seen.
When I felt the satisfaction of remembrance of each and every time I have ever created anything. Always caused, by an impulse, inspiration, awareness, or sudden idea that just “Felt Good” and I followed it. Not caring, not planning, just living fully, completely, in the moment. Reveling in my ability to connect to Source within me. With it’s Guiding, leading, dancing, co-creating the perfect solution for whatever had just caught my attention. To now be viewed in an entirely new way.
I’m back to being just me, doing living by finding and doing everything that feels good! 100 percent just playing and reveling with my fine tuning to be more and more me each and every moment of every day! Everyone else is off the hook to just be who they be!
It’s been awhile since my last blog because I chose to continue my journey inward.
Learning more about me, who I am, who I was, the why’s of my life that all join together to create me in each “Now’. Following in the awareness of this last few weeks of only moments each day with my horses because of the vast amounts of rain found here this September. This last weekend culminating in a huge “ah ha” as the lights inside not only came on, but showed this huge piece of the tapestry that has always been right there, just out of focus. As I was use to living more in the answers others told, offered or thrust upon me.
Everything around us is always offering us the answers we seek. Yet in our societies the expectancy to conform to the pressure of fitting in is most prominent. We were taught at a very young age to respond mostly to make other people happy and then getting our desires met. The proof of one of the first words children learn is NO! Don’t touch, don’t move, don’t explore, don’t have until given permission. Permission usually with a price tag. You might get hurt, you might break something, you might do it wrong. Don’t learn about it, do as your told, I’ll keep you safe.
Yes you may have the cookie… if you do??? An entire litany of simple things at first. Give me a kiss, a hug, clean up the mess. Which slowly evolves into finish your work, take care of the dishes, take a bath, go to school. Then into the work arena of find a job, pay your bills, make your parents proud, fit your degree plan, get it done to get paid, have a family, buy a house. Yet… words don’t teach, only life experience teaches.
All of this showing itself as I was cleaning up my partnership with my new horse Scoozi. My intent… the focused idea of a fun, successful, easy, caring open communicative relationship. Amazed with how much baggage a horse just turning four (supposedly only halter broke) has with her.
Highly aware as I played with each situation which presented itself. The mirrored reflection of my life it revealed. Especially the tendency to double and triple check myself with others books, answers and videos… whenever the situation doesn’t simply resolve itself. The discomfort of not getting it “perfect” or “right” for the imaginary crowd that might suddenly show itself and critique my results here out in the country, many miles from any big city. The Universe always willing to guide me when I allow it to. Assisting me to find my way through this maze of self confusion, and then to my sharing my discoveries here.
This weekend I was led to a video (which I will share at the end) about finding one’s own answers and allowing others to find theirs, as a rat was taught how to tread water in the center of a swimming pool.
The one advantage the rat had… it’s only label was “rat”. Not a tall, short, skinny, fat, black, purple, OCD, PTS, or any of the other labels that cause separation, discomfort and fear of not being enough. This labeling hindering ones ability to learn and figure out the solution for ones self.
I have learned… I am amazing. I choose to stay fully present in each “Now”. I pay attention and reward every try of the horse… and myself. I step back and allow the other to express where they are at. I allow the other to take the time it takes. I am willing to change things when the answer I think should be next… is not really the answer that is needed. I am adaptable, I am constantly learning that in teaching there is no mold. No absolute. No definitive way. There is the final outcome to stay focused on. Just the how’s are the surprising solutions which present themselves to us when we stay open, allowing the best guidance of all… Trusting the feel… our gut, our senses, the good sensation, the ease in the next step. Keeping our focus and trust on a great feeling result.
My desire was originally thought to be a partnership with Scoozi, my new horse. Where what I have found instead… it’s a true partnership with Life. Learning I am capable, willing, aware and always connected when I allow the Universe to join, guiding me in the dance.
Ahh… the simple question of a child. The ten year old at lessons yesterday so intent on getting right the timing with her horse, stopped suddenly in tears of frustration. “I’m so stupid!! She’s not even trying to listen to me and do what I say. We are never going to get this right, I don’t even know why we come here. Stupid horse, stupid heat, stupid ground. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Ms Cat why do you even come out here with us?” Tears rolling down her face, in the 96 degree weather on a hot Thursday afternoon in Texas.
With only attempting one new move, a tiny shift in her posture to re-learn after my noticing her growth spurt of the last few weeks. After taking the time to adjust her stirrups and explain how it would help her sit and feel better. I told her “just takes a little while to get used to”. Watching her face as I demonstrated how those 2” of adjustment were now going to allow her to be able to sit deeper in the saddle, to feel her horse up under her. She would no longer be crouched forward in trying to keep her stirrups in place caused by her growing legs adjusting to fit in the saddle, instead of adjusting the saddle to fit her.
All the excitement of “hope” that this would be the cure-all for the problems found in the last few weeks since her previous lesson, showing in her face after the adjustments were completed. She proceeded to walk through the simple warm-ups she has been learning, to see if the little mare was following her feel. Listening, turning and moving together easily and smoother than minutes before.
Smiling from ear to ear she moved into the trot… for it all to seem to come apart. The horse dropping in to turn, the small hands trying to compensate with all of the thoughts running through her mind of “what it was she thought she understood she was trying to do”. By the third attempt all of the tears, frustration and indignation surfaced from all the time her mother said she had been working on it at home. They came boiling to the surface in the tirade that ended in the needed to be answered question.
I let the tirade run its course. Looked at her and asked “Why do you think I am still out here with you?”
She reached down petting her horse and apologizing to her for being so darn stupid and mad. Then looking at me, took her hand made it into the letter L (I use here to symbolize learning) held it at the front of her head and said “Because you love helping us to learn! You care about having fun. Fun for me, my horse, for you and that we are comfortable, confident and safe!”
And… I queried? “Baby steps!” Suddenly her face lit up as she remembered, “Ms Cat this is what practice is for, so I can learn it slowly, for it to become easy for me and her. I don’t have to get it perfect, just improve a teeny, tiny, bit, have fun, be safe and breathe!”
I then asked her “What do you think is wrong?” As she sat there thinking for her answer. I watched as the tension was released in first her fingers, then her body as she became more relaxed in the saddle. The mare’s head dipped, the reins became soft, with a cocked her hind foot as calmness returned.
“I don’t know… can you explain it to me better?” I thought about the maneuvers she was making and where I saw the improvement might be made, and then I asked her to explain what she thought she was trying to do. Listening as I heard her explanation, aware of her understanding what she thought I was saying, verses what I was intending for her to do. Aware of the discrepancy in words, I immediately switching to my physical mode of teaching, by allowing her to see and really “feel” the movement of the horse step by step in the best position for this mare’s physique and her young rider. Mimicking with my body the movement of the horse in the correct position with hindquarters engaged and the frustrating feel of the horse when dropping to turn, causing the hind legs stepping out, with no collection. To have the thrill of within just a few simple, really slow steps, she was getting her body in sync with the little mare at a walk, then an extended walk, to finally one simple circled trot to the right, then to the left with both moving together, upright and connected, all smiles and scratches for her mare.
The Wayne Dyer’s quote “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!” came up a lot this last week. Reading questions and concerns on a few horse sites I belong to from so many owners and riders who in learning new ways are having the same disconnection of words to physical action seen with this student earlier. When she allowed her emotions to come boiling up, and thankfully flowing out of her body for relief. Instead of the learned habit many experience in “feeling not good, pretty, successful, happy, rich etc… enough”. Many asking for help… to find tons of advice and suggestions. Not aware of how much their “not enough” feelings about what they are attempting are the limiting factor. The negative self talk, then internalizing the feelings into walls of doubt that seem impossible to overcome. Aware also of how many words there are out there to describe a movement, a place, a desire, a need… the words are only as capable as the feeling of possible or not possible as the understanding behind them.
In assisting my clients and their animals I’ve learned to listen to the question asked and the feeling accompanying it is. Slowing things down, hearing what they think, how they feel and what is the thing inside so tangled as to be creating this confusion of “I need the whole thing now!” Not the fun and joy of feeling the music in learning and creating their own dance. Teaching for me is awareness, breathing, learning and fun along with others on this journey!
After all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”
My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention. The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.
The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…
You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.
Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.
First responder habit still has dibs on you!
No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.
Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.
Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.
The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.
It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…
Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!
I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.
Tears streaming down my face in apology, with no one physically present to have to apologize to. For something so simple that “I thought” I had unwittingly created a problem because I didn’t read all of the rules… After I received a polite reminder from a group I’m in.
When the feelings first came up of… shame, guilt, admonishment, reprisal??? My first thoughts started to run, I mean truly run off down that old bunny trail habit of beating myself up for my “mistake in not getting it right”… by accident.
Oh my God, who did I think I was?? I was just sharing, assisting, unasked, but coming from my best intention of the information being shared was valuable and might be of use to someone, besides just me.
When the second thought thankfully, quickly filled my mind… Cry, scream, bawl!!! React to exactly how I feel at this moment. For God’s sake woman, let it out, please don’t you dare stuff it again. Get in touch with all of yourself. That is what this moment is trying to teach you.
Don’t you feel it. Doesn’t it feel off? This reaction. This habit of thinking when someone else is just trying to reach out to let you know that you missed a turn. You went a block past your street. There is something here for you to learn. Your okay. It’s just a new step for you to choose, a new way to respond. A new better feeling belief to put in place, to replace a yucky old one that has been gumming up your reactions for years.
Ahh!!! The relief in actually listening to my thoughts and then truly finding what I am feeling as I have the thought. Something so simple as to actually respond to myself. By feeling, becoming present, honoring “my reaction” so I can find a new, better, feeling way to respond to each present moment.
Funny thing in being, in my allowing myself to be fully present with me just now. Was finding out how to fix one of the frustrating things about learning this new Office program. Where before I was inadvertently going from “insert mode” to “overwrite” mode and in not knowing how to fix it. I was just choosing to work around it, not understanding and scared of what I might have to learn… to utilize it. The answer now presented itself to me, as I was willing to be open to new possibilities to my “old reactive feeling thoughts”. By being open, actually acknowledging what I felt to be present in me. Allowed new possibilities in my life to show themselves now that I could actually see what I was doing to myself. Things are always working out for me when I allow, listen and feel for my inner guidance, present, in the moment.
“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” ~Helen Keller
I never would of thought that bull nettle could be so full of the information that I have been asking for clarity about. Yet, here I was out in the amiable Texas 96 degree weather, slowly, deftly moving from plant to plant on the top 2 acres of my property.
Not having rain on this clay/sand hillside was allowing growth only to the magically deep taproot system that allows this plant to flourish amid the heat. Much like my deep rooted desire to know the truth in my questioning of off feeling beliefs, that wonderfully keep surfacing for me to examine and change or discard completely.
I had noticed in the last few days the raggedness of the sparse growth of grass in any but the shaded areas, with the contrasting greenness and size of the scattered nettles out on my riding area. Trusting the impulse to more easily weed-eat them than drag out the big mower. I easily fired up my machine and started trimming away, when I felt this huge download of thoughts from the questioning earlier of my belief of why I “use to so easily do for others first”.
Old belief “because I’m supposed to take care of others first, helping those less fortunate because I perceive them as helpless.” Flip side “I assist others as I guide them into finding their own answers as I now choose to see them as confident and able, when they find information they get from answering their own questions filtered back to them”.
This was followed by a new understanding about instant gratification and manifestation. Caused from the circumstances of several of my clients in the last few days, whose children, friends or family would either physically, by text or by calling. Break in at a crucial part of the lesson, for the parent to stop, fix, buy, console, or delegate whatever the other needed, so they could continue “their lesson on their time”. Followed by personal awareness of when I use to do the same in shopping with my kids and “buy them something” so I could think, finish shopping and have my peace back. Highly aware of how much I used to mentally beat up on myself for giving in to them.
Now I see that as a learned habit, but at least I allowed myself to buy my own thinking privacy back. Even when I handled the beliefs of “their my kids, family, friends, they don’t understand, I must take care of them first, because they won”t love me” if I don’t.” The buying was a perfect instant manifestation for me… I never celebrated that I did momentarily take the heat off of myself. Albeit temporarily, I had an out, a little relief, I did have a solution to a huge bevy of taught beliefs about my children, spouse, coworkers (fill in the blank) coming first.
This peace I find in physical work, especially since I tackle the “real work” the kind that makes you sweat, get dirty, stinky, smell, break nails, soil and wrinkle your clothes. The kind unless paid, threatened or begged… everyone mysteriously vanishes. For me to contentedly, accomplish the task at hand, and allow my mind to focus. My perfect self-taught way for those millions of other thoughts to be held at bay… My learning how to allow only in that which assist me in the task at hand.
I am so proud of me. I have been secretly meditating for years with working… playing with my dreams, accomplishing consistent daily steps toward my goal. Alone!!
So gloriously now in full awareness of my learning how to get more and more in touch with my inner guidance, to follow impulses, to do these little movements forwards, by reading just a page in a book, just a quote here, a glance, then movement to readjust a bucket. Pay attention to my horse’s ear because someone is approaching, notice the response in my clients of the frustration of how to stop their child’s onslaught need for attention. Finding the ability to focus, notice, and assist on the real nature of the question not voiced. Where does one’s power begin…
Finally fascinated with how many words, phrases, and excuses I use to believe held the key to personal power. How much it use to frustrate me to find a book, lecturer, video, or series that would just go on and on and on. And my mind would scream “To Many Words, simpler is better”. I was just taught (and believed) it was rude to honor my true feelings. I needed to explain myself, and this whole list of and for others. Instead of one simple, poignant word… NO! One word that is simple, yet powerful, and to the point “NO!”
Saying No to another… is such a big YES to SELF!!
The last few days have been a delving into bouts of extreme tiredness, giving me a chance to look around and see what might be the cause of this occasional body awareness. Which at one time I just assumed came from being worn out from whatever was going on in my life. But in this learning to be more aware of having the choice of what I observe as to what kind of time I am having, I chose to pay more attention to what the probable cause might truly be. Remembering to take in as many clues as I could during the first sign of fatigue, all the way up until the yawning gave way to a much needed nap. To be amazed at what I uncovered when today’s morning was almost exactly like yesterday’s, minus several small, particularly energy sapping situations.
Yesterday included my bus route, both am and pm. My son getting up, assisting with chores, eating breakfast and then asking for extra money with a five minute pleading session, followed by a yawn. Came home, to set up for the day of riding with equipment, watering, and my usual rotation of animals to ride. As my morning client arrived and started pitching in to get things rolling with the usual catching up with another over the few days between lessons. I addressing the progress with the two horses with feet issues, how the changes have allowed each horse to move easier. How much fun the weekend clients had been in teaching students so thoroughly interested in each answer I gave to their inquiring, curious minds.
Which as the information was exchanged, I felt this tug at my gut as the conversation suddenly turned to the chaotic evening now being explained to me. My entire body had this sensation of total alert; my mind suddenly found trying to race forward for possible solutions as the story was being told. When I realized my mount was uneasy. So I took a breath, excused myself, gave the story teller the option to get out the next horse to keep my timetable on track, and went out to ride. Once again comfortable, at ease, riding, fascinated by the horse staying so tuned into my every move. Enjoying myself as I played with the ease of his movements mimicking mine, when I spotted the student at odds with their mount as all of the actions between the two were tight, rigid and at odds, as a definite battle of the wills was in plain sight.
I rode over to be of assistance with this out of touch duo, giving suggestions, ideas, reminding to breathe, and relax hoping to break the tension. Finally at the thought of helping both rider and horse, I suggested a change to my mount since he is such an easy well finished horse, and as the student swapped from one animal to the next. My horse of long standing patience, reached out to nip my forearm as if to say enough, don’t, arghhh… I jumped as his lips just grazed the skin, aware of the feeling of tiredness almost overwhelming me. To then find myself querying the rider in my head if they knew how much they were rattling the horse and me, as I began intensely focusing on asking them detailed questions about their breathing, attitude, horse’s body language and to please relax. First the frown on their face, then the tightness of their knuckles, then wrists, arms, all the way through till they were wiggling both toes, freely without stirrups.
To finally see the horse take in deep breaths, as the person realized they were trying too hard. As they began to make progress, I could feel exhaustion sweeping over me. I so desired a break, a massage, a chance to piddle, to step away, to find the peace I had experienced earlier. So aware of the huge wave of frustration and fear over now what, to luckily by then find the duo had found a small connection, several steps taken as a pair, enough so that the rider knew the internal struggle was the cause of their disconnect. I became so aware of how easily I have in the past, learned to react trying to fix another’s story of struggle, and how wonderfully my body has learned to show me that I know longer need to do all of this fixing. It’s not my job!
My body is tired of me not living and taking full care of myself…only. I no longer need to allow conversations of angst, struggle, and disarray to affect me. Other than just being a sounding board to reflect back what they have said if they ask for help. They are just stories. They are just excuses from others to feel needy, incapable, helpless and so ineffective at shining their own light, not figuring out they have the power within themselves to be okay. It’s their choice and it’s always my choice to play or pay, depending upon how far down their tale of desperation I choose to go. Funny thing is today, both story tellers, left to their own solutions, came up with much better results by themselves and I had a great day by just stepping away and allowing them to find their own two feet to stand on.
So many things to consider in getting from point A to point B. Especially in this last week or so, of the many events and happenings that make up the minutes in a day. A lot of which I am now becoming aware of that I create deliberately or by default in the choices that I make by the intentions that I set forth in my observations of a problem or situation as possible or impossible. Perfectly displayed by my mowing of the grass a few weeks back, as I was just so enjoying the ability to go from the helter skelter look that accompanies a torrent of nitrogen infused rainfall. (Lightning storms = nitrogen rain) Causing weeds, grass, flowers, and everything that grows to sprout in wonderful disarray of abundant greenery that I personally love to see clipped and manicured.
As I got up really close to the wire strand fencing, in my desire to minimize my weed eating, a strand of wire slipped into the space where the throttle adjustment thing is, suddenly causing my machine to sputter, cough, hack and run in an extremely rough fashion. My first thought was “I’m not a mechanic”, how can I get this repaired without having to haul it back to the lawnmower guy, who does not like to service the brand I purchased. Annoyed with myself for fouling up my machine and stopping my intention for a trimmed driveway, I drug the machine back to the barn as I began to get this figured out. Aware I have a son with tremendous mechanical aptitude, whose busy, it would be inconvenient, and … I know some men who have these same qualities, same situations, same…
So I thought how it would feel once I got the machine fixed, the grass cut, and the front looking neat and inviting. About then the phone rang, my friend up in Washington was checking in on our once a week visits, as we tell our stories, the things we were pondering, then possibilities and solutions began to emerge and be exchanged. He gave me several ways to look at the mower, to go the store where it was purchased, take pictures of the space in question, and then compare the two to see what had been pulled out of whack. I then went on line to view several self-help videos over what a carburetor was all about, “knowing I could figure this all out”.
Several hours later of pondering, observing, and feeling my way through all of the data, with the full intention of doing this by myself, for me. I found the bent line, the clip that had been moved from the front of the choke to behind it, with a piece of wire, lots of patience, and a tiny lift with a set of very long nosed pliers. I received the pleasure of my mower back up to full, normal, running capacity. My grass once again being mowed and trimmed to the pleasant, organized operation I like people to see when they are passing by or pulling in.
Pleased with myself for my ability to maintain my focus on the final picture I expected. Allowing the Universe to help me put the pieces together by not messing with how I would get it done, just what I desired for final results. Then using all of that scenario my entire week in seeing my pens full, my clients enjoying themselves, readily paying and wanting more of my time. Visualizing much laughter, money, time and effort all being simple and enjoyable with answers easily presenting themselves.
Especially so in the situation with the newly gelded horse, whose owner has decided financially to back my sessions with his horse’s movement recovery from way too long hooves, of twice daily to once a day. I know he is doing the best that he can, so the Universe has come to his assistance in providing me with a new young filly to train two pens over. That he now paces up and down in his pen (since it takes at least 45 days for the testosterone level to change) talking to her, telling her how wonderful he is, she is….blah, blah, blah. Yet marvelously causing him to self-exercise in his attempt to get her attention. When before her arrival he was just standing there being all ouchy, miserable, and almost impossible to motivate. Now finding a much needed reason to move in his pen and when he comes out, as he talks to her constantly…though a little less every day. His legs showing the continued improvement, as the swelling and tenderness are becoming less and less apparent as his body begins to recuperate from the few years of neglect.
All of these choices are always ours. Can we or can’t we? Our intent so connected to our beliefs. The no’s stop us, the possibilities draw us forward. Looking for a solution is life giving, staring at the problem stops us in our tracks. Bad mouthing, cussing, screaming, crying or kicking ourselves when we are down, seems like we are doing something because we are venting, we are allowing it out. Just noticing how long we stay at the unhappy feeling side of the problem, before venturing out to find a few solutions. What choice do I make, for I always get to choose. I get to decide if I continue to dig through all of the trash of yesterday or the treasures. I love the things that feel good, I know those are the feelings to treasure, to find more of, and to believe “I can figure this out, I usually do, and I can share it with others!” One simple day, hour, minute, or moment at a time!
It has definitely been a wild last few months, one with the fits of anger, so laden with guilt. Guilt that was doing such a wonderful job of being a fantastic smoke screen for the “uglies” which been hiding in the closet of my mind, just waiting for each time I attempted to be an honestly, angry me. Now peacefully at ease over my recent the closet cleaning, I could focus more attention on my grass cutting dilemma. I have in the last few weeks, made several attempts to cut, weedeat, and trim my place. With a definite stalled again, and again attempt at getting “all” of my grass cut. The first attempt had the two sides of the drive cut, the front yard, and one-eighth of my riding area, when the belt snapped. So out came the brand new push mower, which netted behind the house up to the barn, and down one side of the house, it died, fouled out the carberator so to the shop it went. Knowing that weed eating makes the lawn look sharp and clean, I got busy and made it around the house before it seized up on me. So I took it to the shop, where it too now sits in line to be fixed when??? The riding mower came back Saturday, I took off, new belts, new blades, so I lowered it and quickly went over the areas from the last few weeks. Amazed at how easily two hours later I am now tackling the first few passes of the untouched tall thick clover, it so much slower over these areas that have been soaked in rain on and off for the last month or so. But one pass, becomes two, then three, till I am 5 passes further out, when there is this huge clanging, banging. Oh my God, now what, as I quickly turn off the mower, crawl underneath to check what just happened, to find one of the new blades has unscrewed itself. I in frustration and guilt (it is borrowed) call to make arrangements for it to get fixed. Grab the old weed eater to get the inside areas trimmed and the head comes loose… Uncle, already, I give, as I survey the partially finished area, later with my EFT/Abe croney. She comments on how I have cleared out the center and can work, just not able to get to the boundaries. I study on this observation long after she leaves. Fascinated also with her observance of my son and his friends, with their interactions of who gets who to do what. Annoyed at first, till I keep turning the annoyed feeling around, & I suddenly find myself staring straight into the eyes of “the green-eyed monster..is going to eat you alive!” Here playing out before me is this statement I grew up with, always being told not to be jealous cause the girls were smaller and because I was “a big girl” I “got to” do all the work. Now I understand why watching or noticing anyone manipulating anyone else “was” getting to me. I am green eyed (the only one in the family) I internalized this to mean all work, no play. I have found one more “boundary” I am cutting down, clearing out, EFT tapping away…I love this game of paying attention, I love knowing I am cutting through tons of red tape “no, no’s” and that is so perfect. All of this being accomplished 25 days before Mars goes forward. I am on such a roll!