Feels like an entire year has gone by since the last time I sat down to write out my thoughts as I muddled through this last week of trying several times to clear this belief that has “wait”ed me down my entire life. Each time thinking I had found the bottom layer of this tightly packed, deeply ingrained, well beaten in habit of thinking then acting, I would find then find the same frustrating scenario to tackle once again. So I trudged on, determined to let the little me free who has stood frozen in fear of repercussion lest I move to suddenly and unleash the ire of another human being for being in the wrong place at the perfect moment of their intention to be doing or going someplace else.
In my careful unraveling of the many different layers of this puzzling dilemma of not knowing exactly which way up might be. I came across several interesting threads of information which I would first perceive as the total solution, until the next minor implosion would occur.
The first of these was my becoming aware of how thoroughly I had been schooled to believe if I do everything according to the rules…things must change and if they do not… then something out there must be at fault. So when for what felt like the hundredth time in my years of having kids, once again the job assigned to them had been only partially completed and I found myself calmly figuring out how I would do it next time. Realizing my fault in all of this was the expectation of them living up to their promise of compliance, given under the pretense to get their way at the moment of the conversation.
I saw the millions of times that I would change, bend, and allow myself the opportunity to find an easier better way, both in the completion of the job and the way to state the desired results. I was to blame, because I was not allowing their growth in figuring out the solution and finishing the work completely on their own. Feeling so stuck in the time constraint of the arrival of clients and the needs of the animals. I had allowed them to train me to do all of their work and thinking for them.
So I let that sink in, changed my expectations for me. Rearranged the rules and had sort of satisfactory results for a day or two. Before I encountered the same problem again, multiplied by ten, with even less done, more anger, and tons of frustration over being patient and trying to understand. Which lasted long enough to cause mouth ulcers from held back venting, that I can attest to, honestly go away when one finally lets loose and becomes assertive as to whose responsibilities belongs to whom. As I handed my son the total of monies he earned for the days chores, minus the cost of my time finishing them… his twenty cents equaled one package of Ramen soup.
Then this morning found an even larger discrepancy between what was promised and what was delivered. To find me staring aghast, with the evidence so firmly in my face as he began to explain the reasons for my completely blown expectations, which as he talked I suddenly saw my entire childhood, my teen years, all the way up to the present moment. Completely exposed for sham of lies I had been taught and bought into as a little girl, and even now as I have allowed this behavior to control my current life… by re-teaching it to my kids. I just bawled, tapped, cried, allowed the long shouldered belief to be picked up, examined, thoroughly sized up, then reached up and cut the long tentacles from the nerves they had been so tightly grown in to.
Taking all this blame for when things go wrong; because others have complete amnesty from any wrong doing with the excuses they have been allowed to believe give them the rights to behave or do the things they do. The list well laid out in front of me by an earlier viewing from a teacher friend of a comedy video of a parent/teacher meeting where little Johnny has ADHD, attention disorders, bi-polar, he is to smart, an athlete, etc. etc. etc. Adding to that the numerous ones I have heard this last week with others deciding against a divorce or break up, cause their loving other: drinks, has blackouts, didn’t mean it, has job problems, bad bosses, etc. etc. etc.
Seems I have attracted these eye opening experiences of giving permission by my learned habit of “having to hear them out first”. I have this wide open door with foot prints all over the little me in the middle. A tiny little child, who until just a year or two back, jumped in a reactive self-preservation stance whenever things happened to fast, waiting to see or hear an explanation, before quickly fixing the problem. I have done a lot to uncover, learn to assert, and allow myself to have a life that I enjoy. Now I am learning how to actually live in a fashion, that I truly used to believe only happened to and for others.
I own the fact I caused all of this, it was what I was taught by well-meaning others, who had it taught to them. All of it truly done with the best of intentions. Just thankfully I have cooked, cleaned, repaired, and restarted enough animals, recipes and places to know things can be changed and made better, as long as we know what we don’t like and are willing to admit it’s our responsibility to do something different. We are only stopped when we look outside of our self to someone else for the final say over the answer that works best for us. I owe to me to pay attention, take my time to truly feel for what is right for me, and change anything I desire otherwise!
Talk about bringing in the New Year with a lot of magic and possibilities… as this last week has been an opening of letting go of all kinds of past issues, problems, old worn out items and habits. Starting off on Christmas day when one of my sisters came for a visit where we sat, talked, and shared lots of old history with an openness to hear each others view point and perspective. Allowing me to see many things in entirely new and different ways than I truly ever imagined, as I became conscious of many other layers of our family life than can be really felt or appreciated when one is in past that time warp of surviving, living, or going through the experiences of growing up.
I was so glad to have this time of learning about our past through the others different eyes and point of perspective adding to the information garnished in the last two months of being able to have private, honest conversations with all of my three sisters. Which granted me the ability to realize we all are going through something, which was impossible to see from any other place than where we each were, until someone opens the door to invite the truth from another without any one having to fear or suffer repercussions from actually opening one’s mouth to let “it” all out… which seems to have the added marvelous benefit of healing old assumptions as the new clarity falls into place.
I have in the past week… made Christmas a fantastic, fun, sharing experience with lots of money left in the bank. Putting up my old truck for sale, selling both the body and the engine to two different individuals. Had several last minute gift certificates for lessons show up and found “My New Truck”. Which is literally the truck on my wish list from 2004, its white, four wheel drive, diesel, super cab, with headache rack, grill guard, bumper with hitch towing package, gooseneck ball, work package,and $500 under book value. With only 125000 miles, decked out like the photos in my phone and on my walls… I am so glad my truck quit or I would not have been looking and found my dream truck within ten miles of my place.
To add to all of this fun and mayhem, one of the dating sites that I have had my profile on for several years but only have been frequenting to see where I am at vibration wise by the types of men I attract. To be pleasantly surprised by a letter of explanation of my slim selections of offered possibilities because of my not participating in a feature to browse through the selected men who fit my overall search choices, which by so doing means I just get to quickly peruse, choose yes, no, or maybe, and the computer then takes into consideration my actual, individual choices, to compile a more accurate group of men to then direct my info to. Which as I was sitting there, happily, comfortably narrowing things down, this email from the site pops up, to then find me engaging in an extremely fun exchange with a man who seems to once again fit so many things on my wish list from back in 2004.
It is like, by the decision of me to so thoroughly get involved with the process of taking full responsibility that maybe all of my beliefs needed to be gone through, examined, tossed if no longer applicable, changed if uncomfortable, and added if the new thought had never, ever occurred to be possible much less true for me. Thus then allowing God/The Universe the ability through the now widened gap of potentiality to bring me so very many things I was so stubbornly clinging to only being possible by doing it in the fashion I was taught to believe was right for me. Even though many of those ideas got me to this point, it’s that turning just a little in one direction or the other I could suddenly see gems of possibilities that were so hidden from me, by so many well-meaning people I have known who’s caring about me, I so thought meant they had the last word!
Wow, I am so excited to find myself here, expressing my joy in learning to observe, share, and examine the world from the broader perspective of, is whatever I am believing “true for me, Right NOW!” 2013 is a whole new year of exploration and adventure with a new truck, clean slate, and new beliefs that I can toss the moment they no longer hold true. Bless all of you who have followed, shared, and enjoyed my previous growth as I continue toward finding the best in every, fully alive, moment to come.
There is wonderful side effect from all of this
working playing, learning about myself. I love all of the benefits that are starting to show up in so very many wonderful and fun ways. The first is this being to catch what words are coming out either in writing or talking, many times changing them as they are starting to be uttered or typed. As I have learned how to turn my IPhone into my magic helper ever since I discovered the note ap on it. Which allows me to make quick notations of thoughts for writing, for shopping, and to myself when I catch an old expression which I have probably said or used consistently without any awareness, till the moment I actually hear what belief I have so bought into as to be constantly reiterating it out loud.
Allowing myself the ability to hear it, find the past situation that might have created it, find the gift in it, then change it to something different, and let it go. Sometimes with EFT, a lot of times just by checking with myself if that is really true for me anymore, and if I want to continue down that path. A whole lot of stuff has shifted in the last few weeks, as I delved into all of the Freebie tapping’s sent out by Margaret M. Lynch, fascinated by how much hearing something I have done, know about, and understand, presented in a different fashion with such profound results, the differences I have noticed in everything I do.
Now the conversations with my youngest are no longer contest of who’s right or wrong. I have found this new voice that clearly states from a position of assertion what it is I am asking for, what it is I expect, and how all of this can benefit both of us. Monday’s discussion over his getting to visit a friend, if he cleaned the living room, which I walked in to watch, highly amused as he attempted to do the quick and stuff, till he caught me watching and adding things to the list. About the third try, he suddenly seem to realize the list was getting longer because of his antics, once he quit the theatrics and just did the required task, the list shrunk, four rooms got cleaned instead of one. We were laughing, enjoying ourselves, actually teasing back and forth, plus accomplishing keeping it all clean four days later. Suddenly discovering there is a way to play, pick, tease and banter that gets things done, saves time and seems to last longer with a lightness in being a team effort.
The lessons with my students are improving, as I find even simpler ways to show and explain how and why we are asking the horse to be with us. To hold its head curved if we are riding in a circle, and straight if one is going forward. Which even as I type this I am fascinated how totally simple this may sound to a non-rider, as common sense should dictate curve for a circle. Yet most riders, assume because they and the horse are in a circular enclosure that the horse will just follow the walls of the pen, and I then teach them about the connections by using dancing with a partner as an example. Finding the rhythm, timing, and flow of moving together as one team, to be able to find and feel the horse’s feet mimicking your own, the curve of their spine, their hips matching your hips, their shoulders imitating your own. The entire sensation of moving as a well-oiled component in synchronicity with your animal partner, my lesson from this morning totally enjoying her new found connection with the little mare, as she would lift her shoulder, raise her hip, engage her pelvic to bring the horse’s hip under her, matching great big steps. Take a breath, and then little bitty baby steps, completely relax, stop moving and find the horse perfectly in time with her actions and thoughts. Thanking me at the end for allowing her to find the feel of comfort, confidence and ease of moving with an animal she has been waiting to learn how to ride, so she can have one of her own and now accomplishing this desire at 50.
Savoring the feeling of success after this morning’s lessons, horses rode, and turned out with the heat lower at 99. I stopped for a quick lunch of watermelon and cereal, to then settle in for a short nap that took me to wondrous places in dreams that I have not had or at least not remembered in a very long time. My memories of the meditation brought about by the latest tapping sessions, just seemed to spread out before me. I found myself driving on a caliche road that turned off to the left after passing through the front gates, to a small nestled cabin, with a car port, horse pens and a small barn that was situated off to the side on the large property from the original owners for their foreman. It was my new place of residence, after the initial situation of traveling back and forth between the two places to train, coach, teach my clients and his daughters while he was working down near my old place. Which became less probable with the school year beginning and his next few jobs would have him in various parts of the state. The girls wishing to continue in school in the area of his home ranch, which had all the facilities I have desired, to now be at my disposal as their personal trainer and being allowed to continue with a few outside horses…
I woke up with a start! Wow, it was all so vivid, so real. I have not enjoyed a nap, an adventure, a more powerful provoking dream. A place for my imagination to flow so immensely and all of it so adding to the original memory, with interesting twists, tweaks, and turns that allowed me to revel in these enormous, wonderful, and intriguing possibilities. And to think, sometimes I would get so dog determined to have to have specific criteria, when the last thing I remember reading was to just get general, have an idea and let the Universe fill in the “How’s”. I think I will go watch a chick flick, something fun, enticing, and wickedly inviting. Maybe tap one more time on the few oddities that popped up when I first attempted to write about this, and then the movie. Yep, seems like a plan!