Talk about bringing in the New Year with a lot of magic and possibilities… as this last week has been an opening of letting go of all kinds of past issues, problems, old worn out items and habits. Starting off on Christmas day when one of my sisters came for a visit where we sat, talked, and shared lots of old history with an openness to hear each others view point and perspective. Allowing me to see many things in entirely new and different ways than I truly ever imagined, as I became conscious of many other layers of our family life than can be really felt or appreciated when one is in past that time warp of surviving, living, or going through the experiences of growing up.
I was so glad to have this time of learning about our past through the others different eyes and point of perspective adding to the information garnished in the last two months of being able to have private, honest conversations with all of my three sisters. Which granted me the ability to realize we all are going through something, which was impossible to see from any other place than where we each were, until someone opens the door to invite the truth from another without any one having to fear or suffer repercussions from actually opening one’s mouth to let “it” all out… which seems to have the added marvelous benefit of healing old assumptions as the new clarity falls into place.
I have in the past week… made Christmas a fantastic, fun, sharing experience with lots of money left in the bank. Putting up my old truck for sale, selling both the body and the engine to two different individuals. Had several last minute gift certificates for lessons show up and found “My New Truck”. Which is literally the truck on my wish list from 2004, its white, four wheel drive, diesel, super cab, with headache rack, grill guard, bumper with hitch towing package, gooseneck ball, work package,and $500 under book value. With only 125000 miles, decked out like the photos in my phone and on my walls… I am so glad my truck quit or I would not have been looking and found my dream truck within ten miles of my place.
To add to all of this fun and mayhem, one of the dating sites that I have had my profile on for several years but only have been frequenting to see where I am at vibration wise by the types of men I attract. To be pleasantly surprised by a letter of explanation of my slim selections of offered possibilities because of my not participating in a feature to browse through the selected men who fit my overall search choices, which by so doing means I just get to quickly peruse, choose yes, no, or maybe, and the computer then takes into consideration my actual, individual choices, to compile a more accurate group of men to then direct my info to. Which as I was sitting there, happily, comfortably narrowing things down, this email from the site pops up, to then find me engaging in an extremely fun exchange with a man who seems to once again fit so many things on my wish list from back in 2004.
It is like, by the decision of me to so thoroughly get involved with the process of taking full responsibility that maybe all of my beliefs needed to be gone through, examined, tossed if no longer applicable, changed if uncomfortable, and added if the new thought had never, ever occurred to be possible much less true for me. Thus then allowing God/The Universe the ability through the now widened gap of potentiality to bring me so very many things I was so stubbornly clinging to only being possible by doing it in the fashion I was taught to believe was right for me. Even though many of those ideas got me to this point, it’s that turning just a little in one direction or the other I could suddenly see gems of possibilities that were so hidden from me, by so many well-meaning people I have known who’s caring about me, I so thought meant they had the last word!
Wow, I am so excited to find myself here, expressing my joy in learning to observe, share, and examine the world from the broader perspective of, is whatever I am believing “true for me, Right NOW!” 2013 is a whole new year of exploration and adventure with a new truck, clean slate, and new beliefs that I can toss the moment they no longer hold true. Bless all of you who have followed, shared, and enjoyed my previous growth as I continue toward finding the best in every, fully alive, moment to come.
This last week of observing, examining and figuring out where it is I am now headed, has had me fully aware, awake and conscious of my almost every moment. As I surmise, watch and listen to the signs found everywhere, now that I have uncovered, worn-out, or turned off all of the old engines that have been silently in many cases running my life. Old habits and patterns diligently worn, tried, trusted and in many cases feared… it’s just the way life is.
Funny how well I have learned in this last week to appreciate that the Universe really does have my back. I just have been forgetting to get out of the way and take my fingers off of the reins as I kept trying to force all kinds of things that were unnecessary or the really long way around to finally get the expected results. So as I thought about my truck, my sudden view of freedom of having to get something new. I was amazed at how quickly I found I had always had this awesome pocket on my person to put any request into that I could not find an answer to, and named it my God Pocket.
I asked about words I was uncomfortable with. I was told to simplify, break them down into little definitions. Search through anything anybody else thought about any word till I found two things. First would be my understanding or usual definition, then would come as many other definitions as I could find till I found a new way to view what might have been a long standing rule of application, now turned to a more “me” way of understanding it.
As I was playing with this redefining of old paradigm’s, I was graced with a new horse to start. She is pretty, young and proud of herself with her ability to have things her way. She came in deciding to set up shop by her rules. Not noticing, anything, except the places she intended to investigate. Suddenly aware of if I followed her sight line, she became stronger, more willful. Reminding me of working cattle, where if one keeps their eye on just the head, the body will make rapid departures in almost any other direction, Keeping this in mind, I set my sights on her chest, allowing my peripheral vision to note any movement out of sync with what I was asking for and within moments, I had this marvelous willing partner.
Not being one to let the Universe’s wonderful enlightenment to go to waste. I began to apply what I had learned toward my fellow human beings, especially my youngest. To be greeted with the most bizarre, displays of agile, vocal, antics any and every time he desired anything that he has not earned. I suddenly discovered all of those old silent machines of habits from my past, had been thoroughly coloring my reactions to so many what used to feel like unimaginable attacks on my sense of sanity, as I felt a total loss of control of my rights.
I found this ghost, phantom, imaginary specter that I know I created, by my habits from growing up as a youth. I could suddenly see my gift of gab relative, whom many listened to out of imagined respect for the extreme plethora of knowledge on most any and all subjects. The hands waving, the voice getting louder and more imaginative, as the tempo increased to keep the audience enthralled as they came up with the solution that sounded so plausible and possible… until one would check it out and discover the hot air that seemed to accompany the drink.
Fascinated how well the lesson with the young horse, was so easy to apply to my son. As I kept my focus on the center of his body, letting the waving hands, the extremes in voice, the wild stories of desire, attitude and unusual reasoning that was so trying to inspire me to spend what he had not yet acquired in funding. Amused even further, when I watched him go into an almost temper tantrum… that stopped even faster than it started when I caught him looking to see where my focus was. Hmmm I know I so love my ability to observe, listen, learn, and apply in this much quieter, grander world of the moment I now choose to live in.
Last Wednesday, after some 585,000 plus miles, my diesel truck’s engine finally called it quits. It started fine earlier that 32 degree morning and took me to the bus yard, where I turned it off and parked it to await my return trip home. To find when I returned, turned on the key enough to then do the customary wait for the glow plug light to go off, then turn the key completely to start my truck and be greeted with the sound of clunk, clunk, rattle, rattle as it tried to unsuccessfully start.
I quickly turned it off, knowing full well what the sounds coming from under the hood signaled… my long time trusted, and loved ride needed more than financially makes sense. I called my oldest son, deeply saddened, voice quaking as I left a message. To then call my closest friend, who offered the extra truck they had till I could figure something out, as I would now need to actually step up to invest in picking a new truck from the few I had been making inquiries and gathering information about.
Funny how after the initial shock of about an hour or so, I felt this much needed sense of relief, as if so old heavy unforeseen weight/wait was attached to my sense of responsibility to my old ride. There was this feeling of freedom, like all of a sudden I could have my life any way I truly choose to. As I thought about what would truly excite me…
Getting up to having breakfast served for me, something different each morning, by exploring all the exotic recipes in a cook book, or living with someone who likes to surprise me with imaginary cuisine three days of the week and I provide the selections on the other 3 taking one day off to sample some place new, different, in a distant city?
Going out to start my day with a flavored experimental new hot beverage as I meander in my morning chores of feeding, cleaning pens and sharing the list of ideas for the days resume of well-paying clients for their lessons in horse handling, body and foot care?
Occasional visits to other horse establishments for group lessons, practice runs, trials and competitive adventures, many horse related, some air, some water, some just plain exploration?
Answering emails, texts and viewing videos from distant clients who pay for my discriminative, expect observation and suggestions for changes in the posed questions of the situations presented.
A man to live with…
Who is tall, talented, fun, focused, fit, friendly, inquisitive, inquiring, sharing, coaching, teachable, amused, content and entertaining? He is fascinated with life, confidant, able, healthy, funny, attractive, and sociable with a life style that compliments and enhances the relationship. Kind of healthy, wealthy and wise, mechanically inclined and mentally stimulating, with a klutzy appealing aptitude to find the good in at least trying something new each month.
Money that flows in from…
Working, playing, training, coaching, competing, thinking, writing, imagining the most impromptu ideas that cause expansion of thought and mind.
Intrigue me, encourage, invite and tantalize me with their response to my handling, teaching and then learning from them.
A vehicle that…
Is spacious, efficient, comfortable, classy, unique, and affordable that is easy to own and maintain to handle anything that is needed, necessary or just plain fun.
With a house/cabin, fireplace, clean, comfortable, different and elegant in its simplicity, with a spacious view, easily accessible to clients with the privacy to play on the days of rest.
Opening my arms to embrace…
The unlimited possibilities of the Universe as I now let go of the fears of asking for what I truly deserve and trust that any and everything is now possible in this new wide open playing field… of freedom from my yesterdays.
All this aggravation about being told what to do, almost at will from various people with different ideas of how I “should” be spending my time, what I need, and how I am to go about it. At the same time I have been catching myself in my attempt to get away from this nagging feeling of restlessness after accomplishing several other things as I again, sit at the computer trying to win the same level for the last week or so. Accompanied by old voices in my head raining down on my playing a game instead of doing something much more productive, “times a wasting” there has to be something else I could be doing. All of this self-talk about being unproductive, which truly makes me conscious of my extreme work ethic, caused by the chorus of old critics in my head that now has become extremely loud and apparent with the clearing off of another few layers of habits.
“Enough, enough, enough” I rally at the stand I have to take with myself. I was so hoping for a slow, easy, leisurely weekend that started off so well last night with getting the tree up, lights on, two-thirds of the way decorated after I made new wreaths for the front gate and the door to the office. Still in a blush over the wonderful remarks from the man in the checkout counter who had mistook me for being much younger from my bustling about the store as I gathered the materials to finish the Christmas preparations. It may have been just a flirting way to get acquainted, but it was so nice to hear a truly Southern Mississippi drawl this far south in Texas, and he definitely made my night.
So to wake up to an argument going on within myself, over what I was responsible to do today and the rest of my weekend, just so set the tone for this frustrating, stubborn lack of movement I was so experiencing. The softness and feel with the horses has become so much of a revelation of how one should ask, wait, listen, and then respond. Making me more and more aware of how when I was growing up, we were told what to do. Expected to be seen and not heard. Not asked for permission, just given ultimatums and the consequences if we failed to follow suit. Noting even when I speak to my youngest, I can feel myself flinch and change in mid-sentence if I feel I am demanding first. Not asking in a simple format for what it is I might need assistance with.
This even doubly so after the site I had thought I lucked into for more readers of blogs like mine. Till I got the 3 days of avalanches of unsolicited emails about everything that is offered or written by others on that blog, as I found my email box crammed with over 15 to 25 hits a day. The good news is I have suddenly become aware of the latest trend of sharing my address for purchasing some service and now they solicit me for all of their fantastic, must listen to friends. To find myself almost screaming inside “Your not the boss of me,” I get to choose and I know how to say no or push the spam key.
All of this speaking wonders about what a doormat I use to be. How much I thought behaving by being nice, taking care of, saving or putting out everyone else s imagined forest fires of drama put me so far in the back of the line. I couldn’t hear myself yelling at the top of my lungs “It’s okay, they all can really take care of themselves” Guidance is about giving directions, setting examples, showing how well you can take care of yourself, then giving them the ideas of tools they might use to fix things for themselves.
Wow, being back in charge when you’ve always given that power away. This is a whole new dance, but I suspect I am so up to it, and so freaking deserving…It is about time.
One consistent belief seems to be the underlying theme of the last week or so, which totally leaped into full view as I was observing my big horse today when he ignored his feed and was just playing with his hay this morning so non-typical of my main steed. Though he was already on the watch and observe list because of my finding him laying down yesterday when I returned from work to ride and then watched him gingerly get to his feet. Moving with a tell-tale limp to the grooming area where I went over him thoroughly, looking and feeling for any clues to allow me to figure out the cause of his discomfort. Finding no heat, normal body signs, and only the attempts to stay off of his left hind leg. I then took him through some simple stretches, bends, walk and trot lead line patterns noting the gradual ease back into a more comfortable handling of each of his limbs, before I gave him some natural herbs, re-brushed him down and then turned him out knowing the day off will be good for him.
To find myself re-thinking the last few days, the various cuts and gashes in the ground of the signs of brisk, rough play, with extreme turns and spins shared as the horses cavorted in the new cooler winter coming weather. Suspecting this morning he may have more going on than first surmised. Finding me checking all of the hard and fast signs I know as rules for horse health. Though my mind was doing the “what ifs” thoughts, by taking in his age, his status in the herd, what he means to me, and so on. To be fascinated by my awareness to in the other signs I was now making note of.
Suddenly the buzzard sunning on the fence post, the two other vultures that flew over as a team. The total possibility of death added to the other questions now presented to me to observe and figure out. When from within I felt this series of why’s and what’s with the singular answer quickly coming to the forefront. To be met just as quickly as what else could all of this possibly mean? When my user name from one of the dating sites I use to belong to popped into my head “Just One” and it dawned on me how well I have been taught to just choose one, logical, even if uncomfortable answer.
One person for the rest of my life, one breed of dog, one horse to own, one of anything because it has to last you forever, or its all you will ever have. Now the whys start rolling out just as fast, who says so, and what if, it dies, it breaks, it leaves, it does whatever happens to cause its disappearance and I am still alive or what if I change my mind?
Total silence from the usually clamoring crowd of voices in my head with all of their so very practiced opinions… till I heard one squeaky voice from the back “you’ll be different, you’ll be weird, you’ll be sorry, sad or just plain wrong…again!!”
I thought about it, decided I like to live, fully alive, trying different things, having different experiences, wearing clothes that feel good, fit me, works for whatever is going on at the moment. I like to choose, and evidently enjoy changing my mind, and not listening to the crowd. Hmmm… it feels good to just be aware of the now silenced voices in my head.
My horse is grazing, he is softer now, visiting with me as I write and periodically check outside to see how they all are as they browse in the yard. My treat for them allowing me to realize there is so much more to live and see if I allow for the Universe to continue to open me up to allow the millions of opportunities of abundance and life that I have never even considered, thought about or even realized were possible. After I had left here with only the first part of this post written, fascinated as I drove along thinking about some things I have been desiring to accomplish with my limited understanding of the how’s to accomplish any of them. To suddenly realize how small the crack was of allowing the Universe to help with any ideas outside of what I could conceive or come up with (much like drinking my coffee with a lid through a straw so only a little bit comes out at a time). I found my mind racing with ideas and beliefs I only thought could happen in movies, to others with money, or from the occasional miracle. Flooding my mind which was now swimming in delight with all kinds of choices that did not have to be narrowed down to “just one” for any desire to happen.
I walked back into the house, ready to face my computer and my latest nemeses of some adware and stuff that has been slowing my pc down, armed with the possibility that I could learn how to do this myself. All I had to do was listen, trust, and allow things that mentally I have yet to comprehend, as in by trusting my gut I clicked on links and found answers not following any said or prescribed that I know of computer path, to find I have not only cleaned and sped up my computer. But managed to find, detect and remove 30 items that the last few days of scanning and struggling did not even register as threats. Is life awesome or what! Allowing, letting in, and inviting God/the Universe completely into the dance with me so expands my range of choice to the infinite and beyond… Hee Hee!!!
Once again the last few days have been this awareness of a slogging through old patterns that I have now become more concious of are still, evidently in place that are being reflected back to me as I have cleared off and released the layers above them. All of this too reminding me of living with a huge old engine running in the background that the noise, vibrations and effects of have gone on for so long… one is numb to their very existence, until the sound is exposed after all the louder, more prevalent ones have been turned off, repaired or exchanged, for newer, more efficient and much more comfortable ones, thus the allowing the separation of each particular problem/dilemma to come into full view.
So very much like the leaks that I have been repairing, finding and fixing in the water and electric bills in my house. The first ones to be repaired are the ones that break… water spewing everywhere, or a machine that just quits working. These more prevalent ones, one stops everything to attend to, fix, or replace immediately. To be happily content with the new update, or the ease of water running efficiently through to shower, wash, or cook with. Though in the newness, it tends to heightens one’s paying attention to smaller puddles, or slight leaks now easily in sight of the newly repaired.
The tweaking and attention allowing a sometimes wondrous reward in a lowering of the bills, which leads to noting what else can be improved or changed to increase efficiency of one’s monetary flow, or choice of action. This all led me on the path of much used trails of thoughts in replacing, upgrading, and experiencing several things on my list: greater finances, truck, fencing, friends, places to go, etc. I found myself deep in thought of how, what, where as I was pouring myself a cup of coffee when the phone rang, to find myself suddenly being asked to assist a former client. I was not scheduled for anything so I stated my morning was open and surprised to discover they had been out on the main road when they called, evident when a minute later they knocked on my back door.
I ushered her in to the office as she started on her tail of troubles, I found myself listening to the story with the awareness of her limited scope of time honored and expected solutions, so thoroughly stuck under the cover of impossible to implement in the short allotted space of time. Surprised at the words that suddenly came pouring forth from inside me, as I told her of the Universe’s abundance was much like the cup of coffee I had poured her, which she had been holding with her hand over the top in an attempt to hold in the heat.
I explained that by asking God/the Universe for help, letting it go, and then focusing on just seeing herself happy, smiling, all the components now in place as she readily appreciated the wondrous outcome, she would be allowing things beyond her ability to come into play. Not like the cup of coffee she now held with her hand over the top. All of her ideas of how to fix it were in the cup, covered by her hand as the only way for things to work out. Nothing else getting in or coming out, though once her hand was removed, it would allow all of the possibilities she could not currently see or feel in her current state to flow in from all the places beyond her imagination, to freely fill or even overflow her cup. From the vantage point of God/the Universe who has a view not encumbered by fear, lack, or the feeling of impossible.
As the light went on inside of her, her body shifted, became softer, more assured as a wave of yawns overtook her and the sense of things can work out when we get out of our limited thoughts of how. I felt the same realization in me over these small, now louder sounds of the other old machines of habits that I am still finding have been silently running my life. Which I have allowed to do so because of trained, limited beliefs from my previous experiences and expectations. I too can now change as I realize I have created these conditions and I am ready, willing and open to releasing the patterns in me and my consciousness that created them, as I now open myself to the full abundance of the Universe. Making even a simple cup of coffee right now, the only path of the Universe to reach me in my asking for assistance in moving forward to being and experiencing all of me!
The last week or so has been a deep, slow, careful examination of all the rooms in my house. The castles from tales of old that I truly believe, each and every one of us are born into. This wondrous mansion of our mind with so many rooms of wonder and delight, that some of us are then scolded, corrected, shamed or told we are not supposed to go into because of someone else’s belief of what is right or wrong for us from their view. Causing us to slowly, but surely, close doors, board up windows, hide trash and treasures far away from us, secured, covered, barred and blocked from us, for our own well-being.
Till many years later, some incident causes us to stray from the pack. There might be scratching, sounds, feelings, or keys of interest that pull us back toward are beginnings, searching for answers when things no longer add up. As our more internal clock, our heart, beckons from the dark corridor we have hidden it in. Covered up by layers of should of’s, would of’s and maybe’s where the tiny spark of us that still burns in hope, awaits. Softly flickering, beckoning us to seek, open, try… something, anything other than what has been taught, schooled, and suggested is the only way.
I have been told that sometimes the experience to start the renovations is much like driving down the road a hundred miles an hour and you hit a tree. Run smack dab against the deepest, most special part of one’s heart, the place of hope and the answer that confronts you is so very wrong feeling. It goes so much against the grain, after you have worked so hard to achieve the brass ring of someone else ideals and your very spirit cries “Enough”. You may have had to pick yourself up several times in your life, as you continued to struggle toward this elusive goal. But this time, your body says “No” hundreds of times louder than ever before. With the pain of betrayal of self, evident in the extreme tiredness of any movement one single step further toward where you think you are supposed to be going.
That has been this last week. I received a reply asking me why from the stance of another, now, as a grown-up they wanted to know. I have tapped at least two or three hours every day, amazed at the doors, closed in my past from trying to get it right and fit in. Finding rooms overflowing with stuff that I took the time to go through and clean out. Finding some of it fixable, some of it perfect never even used, some of it just plain, simple, a whole lot of trash both blocking and behind the doors.
I have cleaned up the good, repaired the interesting, useable, worthwhile, and thrown out all things that do not mean anything to me now. Following the quote from “If when using a theory it doesn’t work on even one horse, then it is a tool, not a rule” from Cindy Hawk Sullivan. Realizing how much that works for a lot of my beliefs now sorted into the proper places in my life utility box of tool ideas that are useable some of the time when applicable or necessary.
I checked up on a lot of those old beliefs, realizing they got me through some era of my life. They have been thoroughly scrutinized for their roles, tuned up, changed, or discarded with total love and appreciation. I am free. I realize I owe no one. I am my own person. I chart my own course from now on. I am quite the sailor of my vessel, now that it has been updated, made ship shape, polished, restocked and organized to set sail on my chosen path of “Now”, right this moment toward loving and approving of myself. Every single cell, tissue, gland and part just like I am, because I am fantastic, I did it, I made it to today as I easily and readily cut the cord of my trash barge of beliefs from all my yesterdays.
What an interesting way to become aware of the subtle shifts going on within me, as I become more conscious of my feeling for each thought I think. This morning being an incredible awakening to my own and other people’s power to create exactly whatever reality they are living, as my alarm on my phone went off from some place different, further away than my night stand next to my bed. I lay there listening to it, knowing it was telling me it’s time to get up, its 7, there is so much to do… But I didn’t care; I was so comfortable all snug in my soft, fuzzy blankets, cuddled up to my super fluffy stuffed donkey. I just wanted to soak up the good feeling warmth, close my eyes and enjoy comfort. Allow the morning to find me later, as the noisy ringer drilled, then faded to silence as I lay there thinking of yesterday’s incredible last minute call to bring a horse that they finally decided, I was the best choice and did I have an opening.
They arrived exactly 2 hours after they called. Accompanied by one of my former students, her husband, little boy, and two horses, the one to be sorted out in the next month of training, with the other to be evaluated for possible training in the future. As the first horse was unloaded I became focused on how tight, tense, and nervous he was as it was quickly accentuated by the handler, trying to control the horse the best way he knew how. I walked up, asked for the halter, and started my dance of handling the horse, while explaining as quickly as I could my maintaining a soft, asking feel on the lead rope, with my full attention riveted on the horse in a calm, assertive, it is okay demeanor. This was rewarded within about 10 minutes with a big sigh from the animal, a softening of his eyes, as I maneuvered him, from dancing about head held high, till he was softly being led past the new sights of my place, and into his temporary pen.
I then asked all the necessary questions as the paperwork was being filled out. To then turn my attention to horse number two, doing a full body, agility, and in hand, under saddle, walking and talking both to the horse and my audience as I explained what I found and how their untrained eyes could find signs in future horses as to when things may not be as completely comfortable for the horse to do, by watching their feet, their eyes, the ability to move with simple suggestions by the handler which a soft, supple, relaxed mount can accomplish easily.
As I came to the tail end of the demonstration I became aware of the dynamics of the energy of the group, aware of the subtle play of a power struggle going on, that just swayed me into that feeling of needing to protect another. Thankfully about then the little boy, made a bee line for the house, with the mother running after. Causing the situation to right itself, as payment was made, final questions were answered, and they loaded up with a promise from me to call with the remaining horse’s progress by next weeks end. Which as I lay there, mulling this over in my mind. I suddenly became aware of several incidents this last week where I considered stepping in to help another, even though they didn’t actually ask. It was more of the body language of a wounded, save me, I am helpless look, that caused me to stop and reconsider how both situations have been going on for a while. With lots of stories of “whoa is me, I don’t know what to do, it is so rough” etc….
I got up with these thoughts running through my mind, to fix coffee, breakfast, and clean the kitchen. As my youngest came through, in a hurry, to make the parade with his welding class, explaining as he walked out the door about how he would eat when he got there. I just continued on with my weekend chores, took a shower, and after about 3 hours was started with the new horse. When my son came back, wanted to know why I didn’t fix and leave him left overs and when was I coming in to fix lunch.
And it hit me! He and she and all of us, we create are realities. We can choose to be bumpkins, dumpkins, put upons, rescuers, life savers, rich or poor. And I would so serve my fellowman better if I would see each and every one as capable of all of their strengths, abilities, and intuitions to have any and every thing they choose. Because it is always a choice! My choice right now is to apologize to each and every person I have ever not seen as totally completely capable of choosing their thoughts, to say yes or no to any situation. Just many do it unconsciously, not taking the time to really, truly slow down, breathe, look around, see or listen to what they are saying. It is my job to see each and every one of them as powerful creators. Capable of shining or not shining their own light brightly as children of God. Wonderful, capable, lovable, shining images of the Universe in all of their own unique characteristics, thoughts, colors, creeds, and livelihoods that make up this awesome world we all live in. It’s the contrast that causes us to realize we can choose…more, less, nothing, or it all. So simple.
I have had such a totally awesome, eye-opening 24 hours, all from paying attention to what I was aware of that felt good, and following the flow of what followed. Starting with my trip to work of taking my time, feeling out how good it would feel to have all of the things in my life just meld together in such away as to answer: What it is I need, and How can I help? To then feel this question bubble up inside of me of my still feeling on the brink… to an answer I have been seeking since forever. Which I knew what the question was the minute each piece almost magically appeared.
Starting with my retelling of the dream yesterday morning that woke me to a very special friend, who in her grace of truly being able to listen, told me I was not recognizing my own worth in relating to others. Feeling so sparked by her insight as I felt the nudge of recognition inside to my old habit of how “I” think another (in this case any of my family members) perceive me as the one who can accomplish the impossible… at their bidding, no cost to them, do the work, but you can’t play with us. Feeling the lack I over never being compensated for my help. It’s all been my own doing; I could so feel how I automatically assume they take me for granted, so they do.
To then have this incredible lesson with one of my owners who realized how out of balance she was in being able to easily lope the horse to the right and struggle to maintain her balance to the left. Which in working with horses, a rider’s balance is what a horse mimics, so most people easily make a connection with their dominant side, and falter from uncertainity with the untrained to lead side, till they learn to use all of their body in a balanced manner. She was so jazzed at the realization that she could easily lope in one direction and by the realization of the dominant side was trying to do it all. To then be shown how to adjust her feet and hands, relaxing and feeling for the horse, she could feel the leaning, and over exaggerating her practiced right handedness was trying to hold her body the same way for two different directions. So excited was she that she then paid for the next series of lessons for her and her husband. I then knew I was on the right path in my sudden awareness at excepting compliments and people paying me before I was next needed, because I am so very good and worthy.
I then continue on to drive thinking how often in the past my results so matched my expectations, now high on the realization I so do deserve. I am really getting into the awesomeness of the maroon tops of grass blowing, swaying, and waltzing in the passing breezes that I find I am quickly done with my route, to park my bus and check my phone to find… He has responded to me! Finding myself aware of every word he replied, but especially the last few. Where he stated “he has trouble letting people in”, all of a sudden I realized what has been happening the last year or so. I have been struggling in letting “Me” out! I have been hiding, playing it safe, just truly learning “Who I am”.
To have it occur to me a while ago while I was driving how freedom and unconditional love are the same things to me. These years of trying to relate my spiritual experiences and the way my life kept having these rigid, rough, interesting, ups and downs, accidents and recoveries. I have been judging things, not relishing my creation of all of this so I could better understand the wonderful, total acceptance I have experienced when during my several NDE. I now get that in viewing another person, situation or thing with unconditional acceptance is the freedom to observe or not, to get involved or not, to turn something on or not. To just allow something to be as it is. Whole, complete, as is where it is. The Freedom of the other thing is just a contrast for me to what I want more or less of, to buy into, or not, to fight against or honor. I now get that whatever choice I choose is mine. I now know if I do something to please or keep anothers love I am chaining them and myself to the burden of what’s going on to stay the same, and that is not possible because every moment is change or growth. Unless one wants to live in a stagnant pond, with no refreshing flow to stir things up and allow for the difference to move forward, breathe, and become. I know to well if I hold my breath long enough in stubborn determination to have it my way or else…I will pass out.
I choose freedom, unconditional love and allowing for things to change, to live, suffer, breathe or die because that is their choice. I so love my life, I so appreciate all that Joe Charles has ever done for me. Before when we were young, and lately in my minds visualization of being loved, having fun, just being all of me, okay, loved, and cared for. So reminding me of my choices of bondage in my youth to keep my family’s love and not trust myself enough to even think “I” might truly know what was best for me! Life keeps getting better and better.
There was a saying I remember about “Curiosity killed the cat… and satisfaction brought it back!” My cat like tendencies are to sit, watch and wait for the appropriate response. From my life of studying nuances that are physical, mental and spiritual in aiding the animals and people who come to me. I am so granted a view of the myriad of pieces that compose the puzzle of knots (not’s) that are in need of untangling, unraveling, and untying from periods of stress, overexertion, and plain old misunderstanding in communication from two distinctly different forms of life.
The human being looks at life from a constant flow of information from the past, present, and future who many times has been taught to depend upon others for sustenance, housing, love and approval to belong. Animals live in the moment, depending upon instincts to allow them to live, eat, breathe, drink and survive in their ability to just be alive. The biggest difference I have come to recognize and willing learning more about on a daily basis, is their ability to think and feel successfully to tune in to the necessary response in most any given situation. There is no rationalizing it out, thinking it through, wondering how it will effect tomorrow, how in the world some ancestor did it a long time ago, or does it matter to some other animal. It is about them choosing what is good or bad the outcome to live or die.
This today has brought me much relief in finding out a perfect feeling answer to the recent slew of visitations from a man from my past in my memory, when I had the realizations this morning “I feel, I love, I am alive”! Seems in the last few years of healing, digging through and unearthing all of the layers of me that erupted into that one single moment when my body had had enough. I have healed almost 100% physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It is those last little fragments of understanding about thinking and feeling that have kept me searching for an answer of ease, simplicity, playfulness, the ability to relax and truly enjoy this new way of life I have been exploring and expanding into the whole of who I am, now.
When this morning I felt the answer as I was fixing myself some coffee in the early hours before I walked out to feed and meet the day. I thought how I would like my coffee as I felt the taste sensation vibrate across my palate of a certain amount of cream, sugar and then topped off with just the right blend of coffee. I had my answer the minute I opened the old can of coffee to mix the two or so remaining scoops into the new one. As I tasted the bitterness in the air, aware of now needing to thoroughly blend it into the entire can, wondering how much time I was using in all of this saving a few cents. Thoroughly amused at my ability to think a thought to feel the air for the bitterness of reaction from my senses and my sudden arrival of pleasure with a simple answer to all of my confusion over this remembered love.
I can feel! I can remember someone who loved me unconditionally as I did him! There were no rules, no one else’s opinion mattered, until I chose to trust someone else knew more about what was right for me than me. I had “given” my rights away because I never once thought I might deserve otherwise. I had such a reputation as “the goat, Cathy did it, and now what” all of this attention and responsibility to dance as fast as I could trying to stay away from the spotlight… so “they” (whoever they were) could be happy.
His sudden reappearance last year and now, have been all about having fun with myself and another no matter what. I was doing it safely in my mind at first, then out loud when I told a friend or two. Then finally outrageously as I admitted it out openly. I Can Feel! Now with learning to slow down and feel, really feel how each and every thought, word or movement feels. I can create good or bad. I have enough sense to know if it is pouring down muggy drippy rain, to go inside, get dry, change and do something else.
This has all been a lesson from my higher self to slow down, think, really feel, pay attention, and then, only then when it feels good do it. Unsure…wait, feels bad…duh, do something else, anything else that feels better. I so love myself for my willingness to experience it all, play the game, allow for the answers, figure things out. I am fantastic, life is good… and there is always more as I consciously live fully in each moment I can create and set the mood by choosing how to feel about it!