It’s been awhile since I touched the keyboard to do anything except play and communicate with those people who touch my life and reflect back to me exactly where I am at any given moment. Which up until about 15 minutes ago… was decidedly still stuck, drilling for an answer in the same quagmire of life that I have been living and sorting through for the last seven years trying to find all of me.
This has allowed me to delve into many realms of answers, ideas, and solutions found out in the world around me, both locally and via the internet. Though as of late I could really feel that I have been basically turning over the same rock, in the same fashion, just with a slightly different twist each time as I think back over all of my writings… because each of them all point to the fact I have still been stuck. Existing, living, sharing, and progressively improving my position in life with the ever elusive goal… tantalizing and teasing me so seemingly right in front of me, only to then once again slip from my grasp.
The best part being, I am stubborn, determined and wonderfully supplied with a constant stream of horses and their owners to have a look see as to where this stuckedness is still coming from. Thankful as the money flow and communication with others has been constantly on the upswing. This has provided me with a new horse put in training 19 days ago, a young filly, just turning four, started with ground work, one saddling and once being led around with a child on her back, now to become the new mount for one of my newest students of the last two months.
The filly has been quite an interesting puzzle coming from a friend who does fantastic groundwork as evident with the last two horses of hers to grace my place. The only difference is with this mare is she expects to do exactly what she has been taught, her way, when and only as stiff and unyielding as she can be. Leading to the incident of the introduction of a rope that I looped on the saddle horn, which at the sound of hondo being tightened, she proceeded to take off bucking and running as hard and fiercely as was possible, before finally settling into a three hour trotting in full flight session.
This massive distrust of any movement away from her personal ideas of how things should be, causing her to duck, turn, and rapidly cover every foot of the pen with the rope just kept off the ground as I used it to constantly direct and redirect her. Occasionally garnering a stop, till there was any movement she spotted or heard coming from the rope still casually attached to the horn. About the time I was considering maybe I had stumbled onto a horse that I would have to physically out last (so not on my list of accomplishments) When from across the road the neighboring mare gave out a loud whinny, causing the little mare to snap her head around in the other horse’s direction as she slid to a stop to investigate.
Wonders of wonders… The sudden transformation from a determinedly possessed to wear one of us out wall-eyed in full flight, I found myself watching this horse suddenly become docile, soft, listening… as I watched what was the necessary catalyst to snap her out of her habitual fear response. Much like slapping someone in the face to get their attention when they become hysterical, allowing me to marvel now two days later as she continues to amaze me with her progress, each day doing more, easily meeting me at the gate, looking forward to the grooming, handling and riding.
This caused me yesterday to decide to tackle Freckles my small appaloosa and see if I could find the missing link that has caused him to be so stuck in his training, as it dawned on me that he too has consistent habitual freeze, don’t move, responses to many of the things asked of him, causing me to reflect on my own sense of feeling frozen in place. To find myself 32 hours later with two horses, completely and freely moving, listening and socializing with me and my training as the common denominator caught me suddenly aware of the rock I have been looking under… the rock was the answer, it’s my golden nugget. I have been looking on it, under it, around it, talking about it, just not able to see it for what it means to me and for others.
With training horses, there are two truths… either they are comfortable or their not. When they are comfortable they are great and easy to be around, if they are not there are four common reactions to their problems: fight, flight, faint or freeze. In dealing with these two animals I discovered my own life patterns staring me in the face. My fighting to be right, to be heard, to be alive or to have my life my way… My flight, running away from myself (and getting nowhere fast) doing busy work, saving and rescuing others, any dozen of excuses to run away from walking “fully” toward my dream… Freezing with cold feet, excuses, kids, trucks, weather etc. etc. And lastly fainting, sleep, drinking, eating, movies books any dozen of overindulgence’s that I have to finish or wait till I am done, before I move to the next one…( I was so taught to finish what I started)
Here today I now know my stuck habits, I have looked them in the face, discovered I am in charge of me. There is no more defining moment than to feel the freedom in catching oneself so determinedly being caught sitting on the fence, with all of these perfect reasons and plans why not to move! Why it seemed so important to figure it out… with the having to figure it out just as much as a delay factor as the rest. I feel like such a burden has been lifted off of me, as I have been smacked in the face with my own true reality, that I teach and tell others on an almost daily basis. We usually need most what we are telling to others… Imagine that!
I have been attempting to write this post for the last three days with hundreds of words coming out, written down in a persistent circular fashion of thought. A continuous flow that just kept going over and over the same stuck track which coincided with my youngest son’s constant interruptions. Until last night when I finally gave in, gave up and decided entertainment of the comic type was in order to find and then watch two totally different movies made in almost 20 years apart. Both funny and rewarding to watch in viewing others interpretation of good, fun romantic interaction.
Though I was up several times in the night with the feeling of freedom just moments away when I finally find this old sense of confinement. To awaken this morning feeling an acute awareness as I slowly meandered through my chores and thoughts in what felt like a big, empty, old void. That changed into a sudden sensation of urgency after opening an email for a special 48 hour sale for an audio book I had been pondering to buy, which caused me to go comparison pricing at Amazon and find to my delight the same item for just 99 cents. To then called my friend in delight and anticipation as I took this for a sign that the asked for answer was close at hand.
We then spent the next few hours talking, comparing childhood scenarios, and our prescribed roles, the ideas we perceived and understood to be our designated paths. The conflicts between us, our family and especially our sons. When the words vulnerable and amazon simultaneously came out of both of our mouths, as the acknowledgement over both of us being very big, strong healthy girls growing up in families with no boys. Who were expected to do the dirty work, take care of the others and toe the line. Both of us having an extreme awareness of taking care of the other females in our lives when they were not physically capable, and hanging around with all of the “pretty” girls who didn’t seem to know how to say no and mean it.
Suddenly hearing my description of the castle that I use to describe the many rooms of still closed off possibilities for me that I mentally live in my mind. Narrowed down to the use of the grand foyer, the stronghold of the interior, with many shuttered up doors leading into unused potentials, several small tidy rooms which are moderately lit, neat and tidy. Then this small, dimly lit, spiraling staircase, that is four or five stories up which leads one into this wonderfully romantic, wistful, soft hidden room, that has but one access which is rarely used as it is dusty and uninviting to climb up.
As we continue to talk I find myself looking up the word “vulnerable”: Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt. Open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc. Then the word “amazon”: A tall, aggressive, strong-willed woman.
Now aware of the huge, dark space in me that had seemed empty, yet now found to be filled with this almost silently running machine that has been quietly directing me around. Much like I feel my son does when he ask or expects something when he rudely intrudes on something I am focused on doing. That in my years of following orders, fitting in and doing what I was told, I suddenly realized I had never been taught to ask or expect to be something other than the role I had accepted was who I am supposed to be.
Eureka, pay dirt, success. All of these feelings of jubilation and excitement over finding this interesting antique, still so very much in charge of my ups and downs in life. Though almost completely hidden, it had been orchestrating my limitations any time I got to close to crossing into those other rooms that now are lit up and beckon to be opened up and rearranged to suit me. Now as I glow in the fire of new recognition as to why I never truly felt I fit in to the small limited part I was taught to be. I love making my own decisions and taking care of myself. I love the fact I am strong, capable, quick and woman. I love the fact I can move effortlessly, dancing, cooking, sewing, and tending to others with soft, sure, confident hands.
As I ask, find and fill in these holes in my understanding of who I can choose I am. As an intelligent, fun, fantastic, witty, flexible, focused, flowing, friendly,classy and feminine lady. Who chooses to know how to do what needs to be done, can think for herself and is smart enough to ask God for guidance as I allow the best thoughts for the moment to flow through to light my path of full wonderful glowing potential. It is okay to find and have assistance in being the uniquely, passionate, horse training, coaching, teaching, and articulate female that I am. This keeps getting easier and easier as I realize I can’t get it wrong, cause there is always more to do, more to learn and by changing my mind to do it differently who knows how far I can go. What else I can and will discover as I continue setting myself free from the limiting role of others best intentions for me, as I explore the different ways of looking at everything and taking part in what feels right for me.
Was almost finished writing last night when my youngest informed me as he was back-seat reading, that “he is not as bad as my writing indicates” cough, hack, wheeze, as he began to try to complain about his sore throat, tonsils bothering him and how awful… I cut him off with a wave of my hand as I reached for my Louise Hay book on Heal Your Body. He gave me this look and told me the symptoms in the book as I read out “swallowed anger, stifle creativity”, were my fault. Then have him tell me he was mad cause of me wanting to change and I was stifling him. I grinned and kept on typing, then posted and went to bed.
To be greeted by thoughts of that conversation first thing this morning as it dawned on me, he is “sore” at me for saying no and refusing to listen to his extremely creative arguments. The next thing I noted was in his sudden sense of being sick, I did nothing. I would have in the past tried to remedy his miseries with “mom” care, now recognizing how easily that same scenario fits into the rescue someone else, get sick with them so we can commiserate in company. I realize I cannot get sick enough to help a sick person get well (thank you Abraham) and this is definitely and old habit well worth giving up.
I continued on with my morning considering how I could get the rest of the pieces to come together with my financial improvements… ways to bring in more money, faster. When this phrase popped up in my head from one of Richard Bach’s books “the Is has imagined it much better than this”. Hearing it in my head brought me up short, because I knew it was true. I could feel myself struggling to visualize any kind of progress, so I just let it all go and went to ride.
My best part of today was having fun playing with Charlie. Charlie is my crown prince of horses. He can untie most anything, faster than you tied it, and all you have to do, is turn your back. Turn back around and he is usually standing there with the lead rope in his mouth, or if you are not fast enough, busily unlatching and opening another horse’s pen. Considering my need of distraction he wonderfully took full initiative. Dancing around the round pen, matching me step for step, trying to show his total athleticism, by dodging hard left, turn, parry, thrust, rear, dart and swirl. Using every muscle in his body to show me how fantastic and capable he was. How wonderful he is to own and how good I have to be to match him in his playing on the ground.
Amused after I finished with him, I thought again about another way of dealing with my youngest doing things “my way” to have the “Is” phrase pop up again, almost like it was whispered in my ear. I realize I have loosened something, I have this feeling of words of guidance easily summoned now when I feel tense, or unsure. I know I have let something go as I walk into write, I note the internet is down. I figure supper first, pork chops, fried, but oh to make such a mess, then feel the niggling “the Is has better ideas”. I grab my phone key in the pork chop thought that follows, and up comes a way I had never considered, tickled I have all of the ingredients. A short 20 minutes later, one skillet covered in foil, oven fried pork chops, sweet potatoes and corn on the cob. Both of them via the micro wave, to find us both full, satisfied and lots of creative additions to the recipe for next time.
I came in to write to find the internet is back up, so I check my mail, open only the ones that draw and hold my attention. Start writing, aware I am comfortable as the words just flow, aware that I really do create what goes on around me by what I put my attention to. Totally in love with this attracting more of what I do want, by learning to really focus on what feels good. Listening and waiting for my body when there are indications of coloring outside of the lines by the feelings that feel just a little off.
Pleased that my son is now doing more and more without me really doing anything big or drastic, just focusing on what he does right, paying him and myself honestly for our best efforts. Funny thing in deciding as seeing him as healthy, okay and capable after last night…that is exactly how he was this morning and right now as he headed off to bed. Hee hee, this is so much fun!
Putting out the request to the Universe to learn how to listen, understand and be more in touch with myself… and bam did my day unfold exactly to fulfill that request. Starting with the feeling of how I expect to be treated, as outlined to my youngest in a format he immediately began to respond no, No, NO to, sort of in shock that I would even dare to not consider him in my deciding how I wish to live, love and be treated. Explained with a fair exchange of payment for services rendered, and money subtracted for chores I had to do over or are left incomplete.
As of tomorrow unanswered alarm clocks, animals unfed, student unfed, or any cause of waiting caused by said student… $1.00 per inicident, plus each time known house care, or job responsibilities left undone. All chores done nicely and cooperatively will be paid for at the end of each two week period, bonuses for any extra jobs done without asking, or chores done beyond what is expected.
This all coming about after this last weekend and all of this massive tiredness, from school, football, life, etc, etc. Which I had almost bought into till I made the declaration to take care of me more and the realization hit me. Here is a 14 year old, 6’1, 210 lb boy, whining and begging for money, at a house where his mom works at home, there are lots of chores to do, and he won’t unless threatened, begged, or cajoled, lift a finger to help. I pay cash, I bring in good money and he doesn’t have to have transportation or find a work. I realized I had so bought into the story of “poor me” and now thought oh well “that was yesterday and yesterday’s gone” to coin an old song.
To then have two incidents pop up of others stating their dilemma’s to me and I now realize I wasn’t listening as a sounding board… heck no I dove off into their stories and tried to figure the best way to help them feel better. Then finding myself inundated with stories on my home page, on Facebook, at work, all of these people in dire problems, being rescued or aided to sit there and feel helpless while another baled them out or rescued them. Aware of the horses’ differnce in attitudes toward me when I had something fun and humorous happen, how easy they were to listen, mold, teach and work with. With the immediate difference after I received a text over the crappy day of an old friend and I first felt the urge to wait to reply. After being met by the horse I was saddling with laid back ears and this defensive, tight posturing of “go away, you’re not comfortable to be around” suddenly aware of what my energy must be feeling like in the uncertainty of what to do to help, save or aide another, who was not asking.
Finished riding to go inside and start the game “Gem Swap” which is a timed, rhythm type game, allowing the various incidents to play around in the background while I got deeply involved with the flow of the game. To suddenly see the whole series of events perfectly connected and their attracting factors. When I was seeing another as needy for help, unable to do for themselves… I would then attract the entire troupe of stories, and situations to match just that in my mind. I would then start losing, feeling unable to get past the first few simple levels, having the light go on as to the energy feeling of yuckiness of seeing another as helpless.
I began to re-run each person, place or incident in my mind now seeing them finding their own answers, feeling good about their abilities, the fun of getting their own minds and hands in the creative process of figuring things out for themselves. Ithen suddenly found myself all the way up to level 10 in what felt like seconds. It is just so cool to find, look at and do the things that feel better. Until step, by simple better feeling step, I suddenly find myself comfortably gliding on a very easy waxed surface with just the right amount of downhill slant to gently, ease along fully listening to all of me. I am so getting into my body’s guidance, my gut instinct. I really can tell what feels good, bad or otherwise for me… DUH! 😀
Whispering sensations found me this morning causing me to arise earlier than intended, as this feeling beckoned me to seek, sense, savor and allow the movements in my energy to guide me to the answers of the questions I laid out before the Universe last night. This need of understanding, knowing, and instinctively responding to places, ideas, animals, and people that I so long to re-tap into more surely now than in the past.
Though even as I write those words, I sense they speak to me of the fear that is ever so slowly dissipating, receding, and leaving more and more of my waking moments. Answers to lifelong riddles, finally being realized, as I come out from under my cloak of invisibility to see, be scene, share, appreciate, and allow all of me back out in the full light of life. Much of this coming about from the last few years of introspection, stumbling, seeking, tripping, making huge ruts when I would find myself trapped in my awareness of another observing me and me performing to the non-paying spectator who kept expecting me to jump higher and further as I put out fire after fire trying to control their approval of me.
I felt the morning draw me out to the pens, listening while the horses nickered for their grain. I then became fully engulfed in the wonderful smell of all of the fresh, gorgeous, perfectly cured hay, now stacked in neat rows on both sides of the barn, that broke off into blocks just the right size for each horse’s breakfast. Decidedly cleaning and changing out the outside winter water trough to the larger one for summer, using the tool my youngest had found and been bragging about to clean with, a totally marvelous, innovative, simpler way to scrape the interiors free of accumulated scum. I am so tickled with his initiative that later I will spring for his ticket to The Avengers.
I continued on my morning observations, turned on the stove for biscuits, then the computer to catch up on my morning mail. Following the line of my vision, as I opened one, which led me to the next, to the next until I suddenly looked up and found the trail had 7 emails of clicks, each one leading me to more confirmation of my recent clearing out of what did not feel like me in my last few days of actual physical sorting, moving and arranging my life.
I then felt this… maybe? As I was closing the different posts, I spotted another post and started to read, totally enjoying myself, when I felt that jolt, slight twinge in my gut, to be astonished how far in a negative direction the post I was reading started to head. I stopped myself, questioning, asking my body “More?” the discomfort grew, I closed the page, feelings of relief seemed to come from every corner of my being. As I sat there in this sensation of success, I realized it probably could have always been this easy, if I had just listened to “the all” of me.
Trusted my gut, my knees, my nose, my knuckles any and every part of me that ached, hurt, owie’d or did anything else to try and get my attention, turn back, go some other way, sometimes even go so far to get broken or cut up so I would just plain “Stop, damn it”. Instead of just first listening to my heart for the pause, I know that now. Because I would then start to think it through, having these rationalizing thoughts of what ifs, buts, maybe’s and the like, which always meant I would do the biggest thing of all about giving away and turning over my power to another. Stop breathing.
I know this, I teach this, I am mostly aware of this when I am working with animals or people. I watch them, and they all have the same basic response to doing something they are unfamiliar with when they work with another. They stop breathing, basically hold their breath as they try to think and do at the same time. When they think they are being watched, the fear based response is head up, body erect, look at the perpetrator, see if they are liking or disliking what they see. Then keep moving, trying, either not breathing or barely breathing at all until the pressure of the watchers gaze has changed.
This simple answer, right here before me for years, hidden from view, because I kept looking outside of myself for answers, from all of these other people, who have had parts of my answer hidden inside of all of their presentations. Locked away from me, cause I cared so very much more about their approval, than my body’s approval. Which it has always given me the ah hah’s at the perfect place of my understanding. I just mucked up the water in trying to seek for a bigger thing than this simple answer.
As I sit here now and type, I can feel the rightness, common sense of this instinctive response we all have. When it’s right for us we always give out a big sigh, from all of this holding our breath in anticipation of the light of recognition. The breathing deep into our gut, feeling our body fully alive with each full breath, is this movement toward the best “feeling” thing. Now working on my newest realization, for the next 45 days, whenever I feel stuck, no matter if it is once, twice or a hundred times a day, I am going to stop, straighten myself up, take in deep into my gut breaths for at least two full minutes, allow the oxygen to circulate, stretching, wiggling, being plain silly no matter where I am at. By thus distracting myself I will be smiling, full of the breath of life, and expecting to be surprised with new insights into whatever was just stuck there in my mind. I love this exploring and getting deeper and deeper in touch with all of me.
Okay so maybe it is only marvelous to me, but I have had this totally incredible day, even when things could have been viewed in an “Oh Damn” way, when I misplaced my phone on the way to do my evening route. I swung back by my truck to check for it, when not finding it after a quick search, I figured I might have dropped it in the driveway in my hurry to be on time. I started my mantra of “Everything always works out for me” as I was driving, till I felt the peace settle in, that my phone would be found in perfect working order when I got back home. That taken care of, I figured I would have to find some other way to amuse myself as I was driving my three hour route, besides enjoying the latest of the continuous, changing, spring flower display. Caused from our last three months of rainfall that we so dearly needed, though this every few days of dry, then wet, was really causing me to play catch up with the grass on my five acres. Thankfully my son and his friend cut around the house Sunday for movie money. Leaving the two strips up the driveway and where I park to still be mowed. Their choosing to do the matinee meant they only cut grass till three o’clock. Earning just enough money for the show, evidently the drinks and popcorn weren’t worth the extra effort.
But that was okay, because it left me with the wonders of instant manifestation that I know can be obtained in dark, gorgeous, varying heights of grass and weeds. Suddenly vrrroomed over by a new lawnmower, full of gas, with a crazy, I love a perfectly manicured operator. Though I did promise myself, after the two lessons and four horses’ road earlier in the day, I would only cut till I used up one tank full of gas. Which I did succeed at, even though three more passes and I would have completed three entire sections.
It felt so great to look back down my driveway, see both sides perfectly groomed, looking green and lush for a wonderful view from the road, as one comes up to the sign and through my front gates. I still have the pasture, and riding areas to do, plus all the weed eating, but there is just something so wonderfully satisfying in being able to get four parts of the property done in two days…with no threat of rain until next week.
I know things are working out, I am expecting things to really start snowballing into all kinds of energy forward. Wednesday with Mercury going direct, and then Mars to join it in forward motion on the fourteenth, I am so ready, I have cleared out so much stuff. Even in the tapping session today, brought about by my lack of phone to listen to my music from. I found this phrase “I forgive myself for my misperceptions, misunderstandings & fears about money, wealth, and people”. This after almost three hours of non-stop tapping I was so amazed at the memories that came up, I got to look at, choose other wise and then release to feel this peace settling in all over me. Life is what we make it, I choose to dump the yuck from the past, and keep finding the things that make “me” feel good, to do more of them!
Not the kind of worms you fish with, more an idea that no longer has staying power when one has entirely new information actually experienced firsthand. This was how a huge part of my day was spent after uncovering the reason for these last few years of being so extremely mad when I did allow myself to become angry, in retrospect I feel like a myth buster. First I have uncovered all the myths about what makes one look ugly (read previous post for more detail). Second I learned working is not what makes you tired, one gets tired when one keeps doing the exact same thing, with all the exact same ingredientss, and then expecting different results. Third sleep does not always rejuvenate you, especially if you use it to get away from the things you are tired of. It’s just a temporary reprieve, till you open your eyes and the mess is still there. Lastly there are a ton of things you might have been told, by well-meaning people, who learned it from other well-meaning people, that until you actually experience it and get the stated results may or may not be true. It’s the same as playing the game whisper, where all sit in a circle, the first person whispers a phrase to the next person and writes it down, who then whispers what they thought they heard to the next person, each whispered phrase is then continually whispered from person to person till it gets back to the first person who writes the final whisper down. The two phrases usually cause the entire circle to break up in laughter over how different the final result is. Bringing me to the results I had today. First a nap after my routes and feeding, gifted to me by the Universe providing a massive storm, lots of rain, and ground way to wet and slippery to ride on. So I chose to make use of this opening after tapping all morning on my route over the newly exposed old stories, and hidden keys I had uncovered, causing tiredness from old sluggish moving/changing angry/mad/ no it was jealousy energy. Set the alarm for an hour, to wake up two and a half hours later feeling like an entirely new person, with a whole other view of life. Straightened a few things up, took pictures of my finished window: Then the grass situation, past the tires on and on the right is what is still not cut: Went and drove my route, grocery shopped, picked up my son, to come home and ride my current client horse on the now drier ground (I love my sandy, light on the clay dirt) To play with another myth: Horses gaping their mouths because of hands on the bit or the type of bit being used ( too big, to tight, to cruel, to small etc. etc.) I have discovered in my observation of the many re-trained horses I have had to do in the last few years. Many of these horses have been taught to gape their mouth for their riders, because the riders feel the release when the horse opens its mouth, so they give the release of the reins as a reward. Not intentionally, most are inexperienced riders doing the best they can with the information they have learned, then trying to find the feel with no one watching the horse to see that the horse is opening its mouth, not just taking the pressure off the bit. Working with this much older mare (she is being re-started at 20) who at first, constantly opened and closed, threw her head side to side, moving her entire head the second there was any contact on the rein. It has been a slow process to wait for her to relax her each particular part of her head, then poll, then closing her mouth, till tonight, for several minutes at a time, she was just walking, quietly holding the bit, on a set of just barely picked up with contact reins. All of this piddling, playing, working and assisting horses and riders to have a new understanding with each other, suddenly makes me re-think tons of old critiques I have used and heard about an animal being in pain, because they ring their tail, gape their mouth, or pin their ears. Not saying sometimes the remark does fit. It’s just sometimes I watch fantastic rides, almost phenomenal ones till someone is there picking it apart for something that might not even be what is actually going on. These animals in my care have shown me that they listen and try to respond to us, so very much faster than we do them. Because they always live right now, in the moment. They have to; it is what they do instead of worrying or thinking about next week or last year. It’s easier, kind of like I feel the more I choose to be like the animals and some people I meet as I love and learn from!