Taking the time to write as I became aware of this morning’s first waking thoughts that tied so many pieces together of the last year or so since the day I stopped to read through my previous posts. Discovering that they all were many of the same layers, that kept spiraling back to a particular theme I was hoping I had resolved/untangled.
Once the awareness of the looping around, with very little progress forward… I stopped, aware of the mental notes of “how could I share with no sign/sense of progress”. Feeling lost, ashamed, confused…I didn’t quite throw the baby out with the bath water… I just quit writing and went within.
I took the time to learn, see, feel and experience my “almost” every thought. To discover what a cruel taskmaster/critic I had become of myself. Not knowingly, purposely, or intentionally… just a long standing habit of critiquing my every move.
I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. I’ve learned to treat each thought, movement, and situation as if I am a baby just learning to walk.
I admire each step, each time I let go of the chair, each time I move away from an old habit, get a new view. Every time I manage to live more fully now, in my awareness of just being. I’m now playing it forward.
Amazed at the plethora of information, ideas, impulses and opportunities that have always been there… But I was so “stuck” in the way an answer or solution should look, feel, or be for it to be the a next step.
I was going around in circles, basically chasing my own tail as I fought myself and my old habits of “not good enough” must do or be more, show my work. To prove I was allowed to take the next step.
It took the effort to slow down, find out who I was desiring to be “hidden away from the outside world” as I strove to be who “everyone” else needed or suggested I should be, so they would feel better.
As I allowed myself the time to begin again. I discovered the exhaustion in all the work of keeping up a front. I had learned so well how to make others happy so I could fit in, so they would just allow me to be there. Not realizing that “there” is an optical illusion I was so convinced was better than “Now”.
I’ve learned wonder in being fully present, aware, and participating in each moment as I react in the awe of slowing down, knowing each thought has the feeling I choose to assign to it. My life has opened up to the wonderment and delight of being a child again. Exploring, allowing, becoming as I let my interest, my desires and my dreams up, and out to the Universe to fulfill in all the ways I didn’t even realize… Because like a baby, learning “I Just Didn’t Know”. Now I let my curiosity and delight guide me.
It’s been awhile since my last blog because I chose to continue my journey inward.
Learning more about me, who I am, who I was, the why’s of my life that all join together to create me in each “Now’. Following in the awareness of this last few weeks of only moments each day with my horses because of the vast amounts of rain found here this September. This last weekend culminating in a huge “ah ha” as the lights inside not only came on, but showed this huge piece of the tapestry that has always been right there, just out of focus. As I was use to living more in the answers others told, offered or thrust upon me.
Everything around us is always offering us the answers we seek. Yet in our societies the expectancy to conform to the pressure of fitting in is most prominent. We were taught at a very young age to respond mostly to make other people happy and then getting our desires met. The proof of one of the first words children learn is NO! Don’t touch, don’t move, don’t explore, don’t have until given permission. Permission usually with a price tag. You might get hurt, you might break something, you might do it wrong. Don’t learn about it, do as your told, I’ll keep you safe.
Yes you may have the cookie… if you do??? An entire litany of simple things at first. Give me a kiss, a hug, clean up the mess. Which slowly evolves into finish your work, take care of the dishes, take a bath, go to school. Then into the work arena of find a job, pay your bills, make your parents proud, fit your degree plan, get it done to get paid, have a family, buy a house. Yet… words don’t teach, only life experience teaches.
All of this showing itself as I was cleaning up my partnership with my new horse Scoozi. My intent… the focused idea of a fun, successful, easy, caring open communicative relationship. Amazed with how much baggage a horse just turning four (supposedly only halter broke) has with her.
Highly aware as I played with each situation which presented itself. The mirrored reflection of my life it revealed. Especially the tendency to double and triple check myself with others books, answers and videos… whenever the situation doesn’t simply resolve itself. The discomfort of not getting it “perfect” or “right” for the imaginary crowd that might suddenly show itself and critique my results here out in the country, many miles from any big city. The Universe always willing to guide me when I allow it to. Assisting me to find my way through this maze of self confusion, and then to my sharing my discoveries here.
This weekend I was led to a video (which I will share at the end) about finding one’s own answers and allowing others to find theirs, as a rat was taught how to tread water in the center of a swimming pool.
The one advantage the rat had… it’s only label was “rat”. Not a tall, short, skinny, fat, black, purple, OCD, PTS, or any of the other labels that cause separation, discomfort and fear of not being enough. This labeling hindering ones ability to learn and figure out the solution for ones self.
I have learned… I am amazing. I choose to stay fully present in each “Now”. I pay attention and reward every try of the horse… and myself. I step back and allow the other to express where they are at. I allow the other to take the time it takes. I am willing to change things when the answer I think should be next… is not really the answer that is needed. I am adaptable, I am constantly learning that in teaching there is no mold. No absolute. No definitive way. There is the final outcome to stay focused on. Just the how’s are the surprising solutions which present themselves to us when we stay open, allowing the best guidance of all… Trusting the feel… our gut, our senses, the good sensation, the ease in the next step. Keeping our focus and trust on a great feeling result.
My desire was originally thought to be a partnership with Scoozi, my new horse. Where what I have found instead… it’s a true partnership with Life. Learning I am capable, willing, aware and always connected when I allow the Universe to join, guiding me in the dance.
I bless you are feeling fully present.
May the space of time you read this post in, also be time you take to breathe a little deeper. May it invite you to allow yourself to consciously receive love, from God, Source, All That Is and Me to you.
I am at peace here. My months of clearing, cleaning, and reestablishing my priorities for Me… Found me meditating, reflecting and spending many hours soaking up the time of re-discovering my true self with the joy in just being in my life and with my horses.
The first part of this year I was beginning my journey with Scoozi. With our series of starts, stops, stalls, flips and an abrupt dismount. I started to ask myself a lot of questions about what it is that “I truly do and have always wanted to do with my life”? How could I best serve in a way that is useful, unique, and true to me? In a way that felt…. right… fun and all ME!.
This time allowed me to truly look at, revise and reassess my past experiences. Finding the best way to see each memory that came to mind. Aware from my recent reminder of Wayne Dyer’s “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” A new, deeper list of self intentions was born.
Because I have become so clear in my desire to listen to my deepest dreams. To truly connect with my horses despite a very busy world of suggestions, directions, ultimatums and others ideas for me. I was able to align with my innate truth without allowing the world to distract me.
I have becoming more fluent in Horse/Human/Self connection. Aware of my old buried roots of intuitively knowing how to truly listen, feel, and connect with horses and peoples “feelings”… Because I know so thoroughly about shutting down my own personal unique ideas, for the reasoning’s from others. “Shut up, do this, wear that, because they said so.”
I have become more fluent in Self… Owning my walk, talk, looks, dreams, desires and abilities.
Supporting others by truly listening to what they hope they are saying. Versus what their bodies, inflections and words are actually communicating. Assisting them in finding their truth, their voice, their own unique signatures and styles.
I am back, and aligned with my true self. Sharing this because it’s so important to carve out time to listen to one’s heart whisper, to listen and discover… what is calling.
To recognize having a desire to learn something, to align with a cause, to start something new, or and this one is tricky – to let someone or something go…
Be brave, dear one, trust your gut…
Drop the current narrative for just a moment.
Listen… your heart is calling you.
And watch for the magic that unfolds!
Awareness is the key to change. Though actually in my process of discovering what it is I need to change, I have found I can be aware of the things on the surface, and never once have touched the undertow actually running my life. Amazed at discovering there is this place inside where when one is persistently, intently focused on what appears to be happening right in front of them, outside of their control, while an entire slew of subtle old beliefs are actually controlling the current.
The beliefs of who “Am I” usually start with an entire litany of others description of me, as they see, desire or need me to be. Which in the living of my life I have done an incredible job of fitting into just fine, by doing all the steps necessary to make others wishes come true. Yet now, no where in this incredible state of doing so much for so many have I found the entirety of me.
Earlier today I went into meditation with the desire to know what is the core belief that ties all of this stuck-ed resistance together for me to not find myself in either the “glorious picture of success” presented by advertising or the “famous rescuer of the world” from the shamed and blasphemed sensationalism depicted in the news.
Before me danced the many dictates of beliefs I have encountered in the past with each one saying “pick me, look here, notice me”, nodding at their availability, I continued down the rows of my life’s steps, stopping to look, pick up, uncover and examine each in turn. Slowly feeling for the emotion attached or represented by each one.
Noticing something odd, just a little off, barely tangible, almost out of sorts… A single out of place thread, just a wisp poking out of the side, off to the edge, barely visible on some, in plain sight on others, yet it continually looped back and forth between all of the aisles of my life.
As I looked back I discovered there was not one single evident belief that it did not run through.
Interestingly it was the most simple shade of gray. Not flashy, not pretty, not ugly… just there. Small, slim, fine like a spider’s silk, yet resiliently stretching over years and years of the past.
I stopped, walked back, picked it up, truly examining it to see what truth it had for me.
It was alone. It had no others. There was just the one tiny, slim thread. So fine as to seem to be just a tiny thought, buried here, yet in plain sight. Waiting to be found, to be gathered and re-weaved, successfully into my awareness. The biggest change I needed to find, see and realize. My Aloneness!
I alone can change my life. There is no waiting. No blaming. No loss… other than not choosing my taking and owning my own power. The responsibility to own everything I have ever done as the perfect steps to lead me to now.
I have been steadily, slowly, constantly learning, deciding and choosing whether it is to say no or yes to any situation. Because nothing is ever truly wrong, to be judged or challenged. It’s just not right for me. I, Alone, own the choice. I, Alone choose to be more, less or do nothing. But I so Gloriously “ALONE” get to choose. For there is no one else inside who causes me to feel or think. JUST AWESOMELY ME! I am my connection to it all. Every day a little bit more, every moment I choose to be the best me… YET!
Okay so that I give credit, where credit is due and so appreciated… all of my keeping up with astrology has been from reading and having the site send me a message every time Perianne adds a blog to her site Astrology Mon Ami this was her latest blog http://astrologymonami.com/2012/03/12/virgo-full-moon-preparing-for-pisces-potential/. Her blogs are so informative and fun, as I tend to “know” usually within minutes that she has added another gem for me to peruse. These gems always seem to follow when I have been considering/trying to figure out the energy of the day.
To all of you for your wonderful comments, they are the reflections from others of what I sometimes am not aware of, but do hope that I am sensing, feeling or sharing at the moment of my writing. Which in Holly’s comment of her noticing how she looks at each new day… I say “Bravo” because I cannot change something if I do not know or notice how I am seeing it, acting toward it, or feeling about it. It’s when I notice and am aware of where I am at, then I can take steps to changing or enjoying it.
Lastly, these are quick shots of my window project half way through. The first is with the torn heat shade, and the table full of all of my tools, sewing machine, and other goodies that always seem to accumulate when I am deconstructing.And the second is the first side almost completed, with the sun now allowed to shine in when I adjust the blinds to my desires
Lastly, in my awakening this morning and pulling up my emails, I became aware of today is March the 17th, which about a month or so back there came a revelancy to this date having to do with meeting/seeing/asscociating with “him” today… So needless to say I am a little excited, aware, and open to whatever is about to take place! Breathe in, breathe out, calm, cool, comfortable…hmmm need shower to wash off the night’s sleep and get ready for my full flexible schedule of clients!!!
This morning’s dream seem to color and allow more changes in my understanding of my life with the people who live in it, or frequently visit here. The dream about a man from long ago whom I finally decided to initiate contact with in hopes of forgiveness for following the guidance from external sources (my family) versus my heart. When I met him, his first words were to tell me of his impending marriage and he looked so sad about the information, I turned to his mother who then included me in all of the preparations. The whole time I was assisting, I felt how wrong all of what was going on was, like I had missed the boat. So much so that in my waking I took the time with all of the day’s events to allow each one to be studied from as many different angles as I could come up with, to be awarded with the following scenarios;
The first item of the day was feeding, aware my youngest had managed to feed at the last minute when he remembered he had not grained last night, though he guaranteed he had hayed earlier. So I watched as I fed each horse in turn, noticing all were calm, but one outside horse seemed fussier than the rest. As I began to hay, I noted the cover not replaced on the large bale of hay, meaning he had hayed the horse it belonged to, but in opening the barn, there sat the entire hay cart still filled for the previous evenings feeding. Explaining the fussy horse, knowing the others had all been turned out in the lush fields all day so the missed hay was not a worry, another item to get him to learn to double check each area on his list. Amazed at the calmness this turning of the mirrors was providing me.
My first lesson of the day, who from the previous evening at the end of two hours had made much headway in finding another place of understanding in this learning to actually do what she has always dreamed of. Slowly chipping through the wall of fears, from her caring familie’s stories of how bad things could get after an aunt had experienced a wreck on a horse as a young teenager. For today’s lesson albeit a tad soar from her struggle to relax yesterday, the grooming, saddling, and groundwork have really become almost second nature to her, with just me filling in pieces for her to try, as she finds the way that works best for her. It’s when she first gets on, her feet no longer on terra firma, and the horse moving any way but exactly where she “hoped”, that she tenses and looks to me for answers. So for the next twenty minutes I kept my distance, and encouraged her every time she gets forward movement, reminding her she has to look where she expects the horse to go intentionally, or the horse will make all the decisions for both of them.
It takes a while, but two hours later she is riding with intention, and decisiveness as she overcomes each small fear of “what if what they said is true”. Finally realizing she can make positive decisions for herself, where she wants to go, and how fast she is going to get there. With lots of stories passing between us as I share the fears of others opinions, how once I learned that I could say no, live through standing my ground no matter what, people either liked it or didn’t, no lightning bolt struck me dead for being different, and I do make great choices for myself.
Thus the lesson ended for all three of us: The horse as the teacher, showing us how important being decisive, lining up one’s energy, moving toward one’s chosen path… then all things work together. The student as the teacher, showing me how looking to others for all the answers, keeps me stuck in the waiting for their approval to move forward. Me as the teacher, allowing the pair to find what “works for them” in allowing them to figure it out by explaining the language each of them is conversing in, till they find the understanding of being okay “in each moment” breathing, moving, asking, and working together.
The dance I find the Universe teaching me: Observe everything, keep turning it around, there are many answers in each moment. Relax, allow, there is no right or wrong…just better or worse. Right or wrong have such judgement to them. For me better or worse is easier, because then I feel I am moving forward, or just stuck doing it over till I find the better way. I so love learning, living, and understanding my life!