It’s been awhile since my last blog because I chose to continue my journey inward.
Learning more about me, who I am, who I was, the why’s of my life that all join together to create me in each “Now’. Following in the awareness of this last few weeks of only moments each day with my horses because of the vast amounts of rain found here this September. This last weekend culminating in a huge “ah ha” as the lights inside not only came on, but showed this huge piece of the tapestry that has always been right there, just out of focus. As I was use to living more in the answers others told, offered or thrust upon me.
Everything around us is always offering us the answers we seek. Yet in our societies the expectancy to conform to the pressure of fitting in is most prominent. We were taught at a very young age to respond mostly to make other people happy and then getting our desires met. The proof of one of the first words children learn is NO! Don’t touch, don’t move, don’t explore, don’t have until given permission. Permission usually with a price tag. You might get hurt, you might break something, you might do it wrong. Don’t learn about it, do as your told, I’ll keep you safe.
Yes you may have the cookie… if you do??? An entire litany of simple things at first. Give me a kiss, a hug, clean up the mess. Which slowly evolves into finish your work, take care of the dishes, take a bath, go to school. Then into the work arena of find a job, pay your bills, make your parents proud, fit your degree plan, get it done to get paid, have a family, buy a house. Yet… words don’t teach, only life experience teaches.
All of this showing itself as I was cleaning up my partnership with my new horse Scoozi. My intent… the focused idea of a fun, successful, easy, caring open communicative relationship. Amazed with how much baggage a horse just turning four (supposedly only halter broke) has with her.
Highly aware as I played with each situation which presented itself. The mirrored reflection of my life it revealed. Especially the tendency to double and triple check myself with others books, answers and videos… whenever the situation doesn’t simply resolve itself. The discomfort of not getting it “perfect” or “right” for the imaginary crowd that might suddenly show itself and critique my results here out in the country, many miles from any big city. The Universe always willing to guide me when I allow it to. Assisting me to find my way through this maze of self confusion, and then to my sharing my discoveries here.
This weekend I was led to a video (which I will share at the end) about finding one’s own answers and allowing others to find theirs, as a rat was taught how to tread water in the center of a swimming pool.
The one advantage the rat had… it’s only label was “rat”. Not a tall, short, skinny, fat, black, purple, OCD, PTS, or any of the other labels that cause separation, discomfort and fear of not being enough. This labeling hindering ones ability to learn and figure out the solution for ones self.
I have learned… I am amazing. I choose to stay fully present in each “Now”. I pay attention and reward every try of the horse… and myself. I step back and allow the other to express where they are at. I allow the other to take the time it takes. I am willing to change things when the answer I think should be next… is not really the answer that is needed. I am adaptable, I am constantly learning that in teaching there is no mold. No absolute. No definitive way. There is the final outcome to stay focused on. Just the how’s are the surprising solutions which present themselves to us when we stay open, allowing the best guidance of all… Trusting the feel… our gut, our senses, the good sensation, the ease in the next step. Keeping our focus and trust on a great feeling result.
My desire was originally thought to be a partnership with Scoozi, my new horse. Where what I have found instead… it’s a true partnership with Life. Learning I am capable, willing, aware and always connected when I allow the Universe to join, guiding me in the dance.
Ahh… the simple question of a child. The ten year old at lessons yesterday so intent on getting right the timing with her horse, stopped suddenly in tears of frustration. “I’m so stupid!! She’s not even trying to listen to me and do what I say. We are never going to get this right, I don’t even know why we come here. Stupid horse, stupid heat, stupid ground. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Ms Cat why do you even come out here with us?” Tears rolling down her face, in the 96 degree weather on a hot Thursday afternoon in Texas.
With only attempting one new move, a tiny shift in her posture to re-learn after my noticing her growth spurt of the last few weeks. After taking the time to adjust her stirrups and explain how it would help her sit and feel better. I told her “just takes a little while to get used to”. Watching her face as I demonstrated how those 2” of adjustment were now going to allow her to be able to sit deeper in the saddle, to feel her horse up under her. She would no longer be crouched forward in trying to keep her stirrups in place caused by her growing legs adjusting to fit in the saddle, instead of adjusting the saddle to fit her.
All the excitement of “hope” that this would be the cure-all for the problems found in the last few weeks since her previous lesson, showing in her face after the adjustments were completed. She proceeded to walk through the simple warm-ups she has been learning, to see if the little mare was following her feel. Listening, turning and moving together easily and smoother than minutes before.
Smiling from ear to ear she moved into the trot… for it all to seem to come apart. The horse dropping in to turn, the small hands trying to compensate with all of the thoughts running through her mind of “what it was she thought she understood she was trying to do”. By the third attempt all of the tears, frustration and indignation surfaced from all the time her mother said she had been working on it at home. They came boiling to the surface in the tirade that ended in the needed to be answered question.
I let the tirade run its course. Looked at her and asked “Why do you think I am still out here with you?”
She reached down petting her horse and apologizing to her for being so darn stupid and mad. Then looking at me, took her hand made it into the letter L (I use here to symbolize learning) held it at the front of her head and said “Because you love helping us to learn! You care about having fun. Fun for me, my horse, for you and that we are comfortable, confident and safe!”
And… I queried? “Baby steps!” Suddenly her face lit up as she remembered, “Ms Cat this is what practice is for, so I can learn it slowly, for it to become easy for me and her. I don’t have to get it perfect, just improve a teeny, tiny, bit, have fun, be safe and breathe!”
I then asked her “What do you think is wrong?” As she sat there thinking for her answer. I watched as the tension was released in first her fingers, then her body as she became more relaxed in the saddle. The mare’s head dipped, the reins became soft, with a cocked her hind foot as calmness returned.
“I don’t know… can you explain it to me better?” I thought about the maneuvers she was making and where I saw the improvement might be made, and then I asked her to explain what she thought she was trying to do. Listening as I heard her explanation, aware of her understanding what she thought I was saying, verses what I was intending for her to do. Aware of the discrepancy in words, I immediately switching to my physical mode of teaching, by allowing her to see and really “feel” the movement of the horse step by step in the best position for this mare’s physique and her young rider. Mimicking with my body the movement of the horse in the correct position with hindquarters engaged and the frustrating feel of the horse when dropping to turn, causing the hind legs stepping out, with no collection. To have the thrill of within just a few simple, really slow steps, she was getting her body in sync with the little mare at a walk, then an extended walk, to finally one simple circled trot to the right, then to the left with both moving together, upright and connected, all smiles and scratches for her mare.
The Wayne Dyer’s quote “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!” came up a lot this last week. Reading questions and concerns on a few horse sites I belong to from so many owners and riders who in learning new ways are having the same disconnection of words to physical action seen with this student earlier. When she allowed her emotions to come boiling up, and thankfully flowing out of her body for relief. Instead of the learned habit many experience in “feeling not good, pretty, successful, happy, rich etc… enough”. Many asking for help… to find tons of advice and suggestions. Not aware of how much their “not enough” feelings about what they are attempting are the limiting factor. The negative self talk, then internalizing the feelings into walls of doubt that seem impossible to overcome. Aware also of how many words there are out there to describe a movement, a place, a desire, a need… the words are only as capable as the feeling of possible or not possible as the understanding behind them.
In assisting my clients and their animals I’ve learned to listen to the question asked and the feeling accompanying it is. Slowing things down, hearing what they think, how they feel and what is the thing inside so tangled as to be creating this confusion of “I need the whole thing now!” Not the fun and joy of feeling the music in learning and creating their own dance. Teaching for me is awareness, breathing, learning and fun along with others on this journey!
After all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”
My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention. The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.
The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…
You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.
Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.
First responder habit still has dibs on you!
No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.
Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.
Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.
The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.
It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…
Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!
I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.
Tears streaming down my face in apology, with no one physically present to have to apologize to. For something so simple that “I thought” I had unwittingly created a problem because I didn’t read all of the rules… After I received a polite reminder from a group I’m in.
When the feelings first came up of… shame, guilt, admonishment, reprisal??? My first thoughts started to run, I mean truly run off down that old bunny trail habit of beating myself up for my “mistake in not getting it right”… by accident.
Oh my God, who did I think I was?? I was just sharing, assisting, unasked, but coming from my best intention of the information being shared was valuable and might be of use to someone, besides just me.
When the second thought thankfully, quickly filled my mind… Cry, scream, bawl!!! React to exactly how I feel at this moment. For God’s sake woman, let it out, please don’t you dare stuff it again. Get in touch with all of yourself. That is what this moment is trying to teach you.
Don’t you feel it. Doesn’t it feel off? This reaction. This habit of thinking when someone else is just trying to reach out to let you know that you missed a turn. You went a block past your street. There is something here for you to learn. Your okay. It’s just a new step for you to choose, a new way to respond. A new better feeling belief to put in place, to replace a yucky old one that has been gumming up your reactions for years.
Ahh!!! The relief in actually listening to my thoughts and then truly finding what I am feeling as I have the thought. Something so simple as to actually respond to myself. By feeling, becoming present, honoring “my reaction” so I can find a new, better, feeling way to respond to each present moment.
Funny thing in being, in my allowing myself to be fully present with me just now. Was finding out how to fix one of the frustrating things about learning this new Office program. Where before I was inadvertently going from “insert mode” to “overwrite” mode and in not knowing how to fix it. I was just choosing to work around it, not understanding and scared of what I might have to learn… to utilize it. The answer now presented itself to me, as I was willing to be open to new possibilities to my “old reactive feeling thoughts”. By being open, actually acknowledging what I felt to be present in me. Allowed new possibilities in my life to show themselves now that I could actually see what I was doing to myself. Things are always working out for me when I allow, listen and feel for my inner guidance, present, in the moment.
“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” ~Helen Keller
I never would of thought that bull nettle could be so full of the information that I have been asking for clarity about. Yet, here I was out in the amiable Texas 96 degree weather, slowly, deftly moving from plant to plant on the top 2 acres of my property.
Not having rain on this clay/sand hillside was allowing growth only to the magically deep taproot system that allows this plant to flourish amid the heat. Much like my deep rooted desire to know the truth in my questioning of off feeling beliefs, that wonderfully keep surfacing for me to examine and change or discard completely.
I had noticed in the last few days the raggedness of the sparse growth of grass in any but the shaded areas, with the contrasting greenness and size of the scattered nettles out on my riding area. Trusting the impulse to more easily weed-eat them than drag out the big mower. I easily fired up my machine and started trimming away, when I felt this huge download of thoughts from the questioning earlier of my belief of why I “use to so easily do for others first”.
Old belief “because I’m supposed to take care of others first, helping those less fortunate because I perceive them as helpless.” Flip side “I assist others as I guide them into finding their own answers as I now choose to see them as confident and able, when they find information they get from answering their own questions filtered back to them”.
This was followed by a new understanding about instant gratification and manifestation. Caused from the circumstances of several of my clients in the last few days, whose children, friends or family would either physically, by text or by calling. Break in at a crucial part of the lesson, for the parent to stop, fix, buy, console, or delegate whatever the other needed, so they could continue “their lesson on their time”. Followed by personal awareness of when I use to do the same in shopping with my kids and “buy them something” so I could think, finish shopping and have my peace back. Highly aware of how much I used to mentally beat up on myself for giving in to them.
Now I see that as a learned habit, but at least I allowed myself to buy my own thinking privacy back. Even when I handled the beliefs of “their my kids, family, friends, they don’t understand, I must take care of them first, because they won”t love me” if I don’t.” The buying was a perfect instant manifestation for me… I never celebrated that I did momentarily take the heat off of myself. Albeit temporarily, I had an out, a little relief, I did have a solution to a huge bevy of taught beliefs about my children, spouse, coworkers (fill in the blank) coming first.
This peace I find in physical work, especially since I tackle the “real work” the kind that makes you sweat, get dirty, stinky, smell, break nails, soil and wrinkle your clothes. The kind unless paid, threatened or begged… everyone mysteriously vanishes. For me to contentedly, accomplish the task at hand, and allow my mind to focus. My perfect self-taught way for those millions of other thoughts to be held at bay… My learning how to allow only in that which assist me in the task at hand.
I am so proud of me. I have been secretly meditating for years with working… playing with my dreams, accomplishing consistent daily steps toward my goal. Alone!!
So gloriously now in full awareness of my learning how to get more and more in touch with my inner guidance, to follow impulses, to do these little movements forwards, by reading just a page in a book, just a quote here, a glance, then movement to readjust a bucket. Pay attention to my horse’s ear because someone is approaching, notice the response in my clients of the frustration of how to stop their child’s onslaught need for attention. Finding the ability to focus, notice, and assist on the real nature of the question not voiced. Where does one’s power begin…
Finally fascinated with how many words, phrases, and excuses I use to believe held the key to personal power. How much it use to frustrate me to find a book, lecturer, video, or series that would just go on and on and on. And my mind would scream “To Many Words, simpler is better”. I was just taught (and believed) it was rude to honor my true feelings. I needed to explain myself, and this whole list of and for others. Instead of one simple, poignant word… NO! One word that is simple, yet powerful, and to the point “NO!”
Saying No to another… is such a big YES to SELF!!
Wasn’t sure just where to start… figuring I would let it flow and see what came about in my awareness of living life with the Heart I now find at the very edge of each and every thought. As I have been soaking up the newness of change… in my own beliefs, words, and realizations from others experiences so lovingly shared and found when one searches. Necessary from my previously unknown tendency to take “to heart” and become what others needed me to be so they might be happy.
Thankfully, whenever I last wrote here, a few days later I was sent a notice that another person was following my blog, so I went back to read one of the post they liked. Which led to my reading two other post I had written months apart, yet basically just loops of the same place I was struggling in. I stepped back. Tried to look around to truly see as best possible of where I was. To start clearing, cleaning, changing and feeling for what was it I was truly “Wanting”!
This last weekend found me deep within connecting to my self in an entirely new profound way. I was looking into my own eyes, feeling my focus for what I saw… was I truly looking inside of me, or just at the physical aspects of me? How was I thinking? From the thoughts of what my looks were or where my looks were radiating from…
I have a new 3 ½ year old filly. The first day I went to see her I had a flash of intuition of who she truly would become. Loaded her up and she came home with me. Starting with… vet, wormed, chiropractor, farrier, 60 days ground work of her consistently “taking directions”… noting how aware she was of guarding her right side. Slow, careful, consistent 21 days under saddle.
Day 22… noted how old the earpiece on the bridle was (to be changed later). Which found me hard on the ground minutes later, after her panicked run into the fence when the bridle broke at the buckled spot and she tried to get away from this swinging piece near her eye. I “panicked” by physically making sure we did not run through the fence as she started to collide with it. Once turned she immediately unloaded her once confident rider, and two jumps later as I am refilling my lungs with air. She turns and walks back up to me with reins and bridle dangling from around her neck to find out what was so scary.
Healing is a mental thing, I knew I had missed something… I stopped and went back to the start, with slow, observant ground work. When I happened to reach over to the right side of her face where the bridle gave and found the still, very acute panic that had been apparent in her at the beginning. That which I had “obediently trained” her past. Suddenly having a very strong memory of my ole man “Chic” and the fear so strongly present in him when I first finally got to own him, and the months of slow, careful, conscious time earning his trust. Realizations of who I was and what I have been missing in my assisting others to change, all of these many years later after he died.
I forgot the Heart, Soul, and Look of Eagles when the light goes on because another knows you are listening to “ALL” of them. Seeing another as who they see themselves to be. Not who others think they should, could or ought to be.
Acutely aware of the time I went to a rodeo type event when I first moved back here and won 5 of the 7 events, placing 2nd in the others because I had to learn them minutes before competing. So relishing the comrade of being noticed, talked to and “accepted”. Highly aware of the one common comment “What I did was awesome BUT how much faster I would be when I learned to do it like they all did!”
Basically I went to clinics… untaught, untrained and disciplined myself to obediently follow the guidelines, finding the winnings getting less and less. Unless I started a beginning rider or horse with my self taught basics. From which they would start winning, only to be enticed to other stables so they could fit in and “Really Win”. I’d lost my own heart, trained it obediently away and didn’t even know it.
Thankfully I have never given up, just learned to slow down, start over and examine “everything!” Which blissfully led to this last weekend with my three different horses, now with a heartfelt connection to me, as I am looking and treating them as full valuable partners. Allowing them to know we are doing this together, step by step. The reward in their letting down, letting in, and amazed at the immense physical releases of their years worth of just “being obedient” yet having no real say in the partnership.
The run, run, hurry, hurry, everyone wants it now! Why aren’t you riding, trotting, loping, winning or on them yet demands. I had bought into the outcome, quantity, and “other peoples” wants for the mount to be just ridden and controlled. Their horses obediently following directions and going through the motions.
Not the quality and class of bringing the whole horse I am so capable and available to assist others in finding. The “Look of Eagles” in their eyes in full partnership, each a full half of the team. The team that sparkles and shines because of the connection of being powerful beings “Together, calm, connected, confident, classy, full Partners in Heart.”
This is intended to be quick and to the point (hopefully) post on my first day of my newest challenge on BLC:
To read twice daily my life shopping list of positive directions and change them faithfully each time I find one completed, or edit the sentence and change the list to add things that may suddenly catch my fancy.
Seems like a small step, yet the huge benefits I have been reaping from writing things fully out, editing them on my computer and putting a placard next to my night lamp, on my bathroom mirror, and here in full view on the bottom of my computer screen. The fantastic things that continue to manifest on a now almost constant daily basis.
Mostly because of all of the blogging I have been doing, originally just to get myself out of my head, but now to find all of my heart. My learning to pay attention to how I feel about whatever is going on around me. Comparing information and learning to really see, then understand what is actually going on inside of me.
In a few minutes I will be doing the tapping along with Margaret Lynch again about the money shadow, just changing and adjusting the words to address relationship shadows. As of a few moments ago, I could feel the pull to delve inside myself over the work crazy life I have been living since my best friend, my mom, past away a few years ago. I see the comparison from doing the exercise for money shadow, so matching and available for the relationship shadow I uncovered after the movie I just finished watching.
Wow, there can be the smallest thing come to light, which then allows an entire new view, from living so very long with an old shadow we don’t even know we are stuck underneath away from the light. The tapping will commence as soon as the video finishes loading and I finish posting this! I am in charge of my life!
The last few days of clearing out the fine layer of dust that seemed to cover so many areas of my life, (including the shelves, books, and eaves I am leaving for the dust bunny fairy). I have uncovered this vow that somehow, somewhere in the last few years of pulling out all stops to straighten out and understand my own magnetic aura of The Law of Attraction, definitely aware of the obvious stuff. Just wanting a closer view of why, where, when, and you’re kidding me I bought into all of that, which had been pretty much laying the path to all of the interesting scenario’s that have continued to grace my world in the last few years.
I discovered this vow in a conversation with another as I heard these words come out of my mouth “No one else around till I get him (my youngest) on the right track, grades up, headed to high school and responsible for himself.” I heard myself say it, and then I was so aware of the big wall I had erected to prevent any unintended, uninvited, or unimaginable excuses to dampen any possible, decent, tall, available male to be in my life. I literally have had this horrendous self-image of “what would someone else think?” I have been my own cage, cell, prison, from the thoughts of not having that part of my life together. Sheesh, what a thought, allowing my son’s behavior to rule my existence, though in retrospect it is actually kind of cool now, he asks for something, I check to see if he has done whatever chore or promised behavior is the current exchange ratio. No work, no anything, NO, NO, NO!
Suddenly the weight (wait) on my shoulder has vanished. His and others tons of fast talk, offers, begging, pleading, deals, are now cut off when they begin by a few simple words: Show me what it is worth to me! So in the realization of my new found freedom of total control of my life, my time, my thoughts, ideas, and expressions, I figured it was time to find out what or more like who, is out there. I went through the old sites I have not visited in years, reconfigured the words, pictures and information. Took a couple of the dating tests, to be amused at their five choices of answers for each question: agree, sort of agree, no opinion, sort of disagree, and disagree. To get the results back that maybe a computer thinks that is who I am by 25 questions, but I so know better and have enough sense to know I have cleaned up and cleared out so well. This tall, fortunate, family, fun, fantastic, smiling, athletic, horse interested ( if not involved up to his boots) will have the same idea of test and results on such a miniscule amount of information. To be summed up in specific paragraphs, depicting all kinds of things that are so way off in the world of other peoples opinions actually mattering.
Oh well, I have thrown a few pitches, sent out the clear energy of fun, laughter, all clear and full sails to each next moment. While I savor the joy of letting go of more unneeded, now recalled, and dissolved vows of celibacy till I obtained perfection for the peanut gallery. Woo hoo world, I am so on a roll!