For such a long, long time I have been trying to get clearer on this sense or feeling that is always compelling me, inviting me, enticing me to move, breathe, and take one more step toward this dream, goal, or ideal that has been with me as long as I can remember. Urging me to go a little further, wait a little bit longer, dig a little deeper, find one more place of release from the prison around my heart that I was made aware of just a few days ago in my constant awareness to God guiding me back to me when I had this last Sunday to remember…
Calm, easy, even a little over cast as I finished up my reconstruction of my saddling area with newer, bigger shades of 12 X 18 and then taking the smaller old one to erect over the dogs enclosure. Fascinated with my life as I have learned to slow down, and play my way forward. Which means I have learned to not get in a hurry, ask for things in my mind and have the Universe surprise me with the answers usually within moments after I let go of the thought.
Like the one that caused me to wander into the house after the last rope was re-strung and re-placed, to go to Facebook perusing for a quick smile from any of the sources I am connected to that share positive and uplifting posts. When I clicked on one video of a man wonderfully playing a guitar in an unusual fashion, even though I enjoyed the music, I found my eye wandering to the comments on the side to see one light up. Urging me to read it about someone playing a guitar the same way in the movie “August Rush”, which I promptly looked up to find that I had actually seen the movie before, though I felt this prompting to find it and see it again.
So I watched it, to find several places in it that called to me, till one particular scene literally caused my heart to expand and push against the walls I had erected to protect it from ever being made fun of or misused again. Finding as I wound my way to the end of the movie this lifting of some old burden which now was calling me to write it down and set myself free.
I thought about it, yet nothing came out… I could feel the rattling of the door, see the key just inches away inside with me, yet unable to move… So I waited, rode, cleaned, felt, watched the movie again, took a break, listened, and allowed the feelings to just build. Until last night when I felt the urge to watch it again and yet found myself being guided to re-watching another movie on my list, which once again stated the need to write it out. Set myself free… to be fully me.
Passionate, proud, tall, horse connected, sometimes wonderfully oblivious to others as I play with the horse energy I find myself drawn to. I reach, feel, seek, and listen for the guidance and the peace I find when I reconnect a horse to actually engaging and being with a human. As they soon find there is someone here who is finally, trying to listen and engage with their energy of aliveness. It is so rewarding to be part of the transformation from just watching a horse who is tolerating life, one who is referred to as “dead broke” just existing, surviving, being fed, rode, handled as a tool, a worker, a slave to taught or learned habits (much like me) once again fully alive, relating and even anticipating life.
I find myself, now much more honest, aware of having shut so many doors in the castle that is me, closed off from fully imagining, much less allowing into my life… all of the dreams, desires and wishes I have kept locking away after putting them on the shelves in taking care of any and all others first. Thinking I did not matter, not as me, myself and I, the lady who lives, alive, glowing, insightful, aware and so passionate about the feelings she takes in and the visions she sees of the grandeur of almost all animals and people she meets. When she gets in the zone and away from the crowds of those she has mistakenly been trying to live up to their ideas and memories of who she should be.
The energy I feel is all around us, one just needs to find and trust it. Writing it all down now, today and sharing it with others is like I am finally calling back to him, expecting him to read it and find me. I have never quit on my passion…It’s the only place I can escape and let it all go to fully connect with life. I am writing today in hope and anticipation of it finding its way into his hands… years of aware anticipation, for the dream, the man, and the life I have been seeking since I was a very tiny child… now letting it out, opening the door, letting and expecting My Idea of life in… to begin!!
Feels like an entire year has gone by since the last time I sat down to write out my thoughts as I muddled through this last week of trying several times to clear this belief that has “wait”ed me down my entire life. Each time thinking I had found the bottom layer of this tightly packed, deeply ingrained, well beaten in habit of thinking then acting, I would find then find the same frustrating scenario to tackle once again. So I trudged on, determined to let the little me free who has stood frozen in fear of repercussion lest I move to suddenly and unleash the ire of another human being for being in the wrong place at the perfect moment of their intention to be doing or going someplace else.
In my careful unraveling of the many different layers of this puzzling dilemma of not knowing exactly which way up might be. I came across several interesting threads of information which I would first perceive as the total solution, until the next minor implosion would occur.
The first of these was my becoming aware of how thoroughly I had been schooled to believe if I do everything according to the rules…things must change and if they do not… then something out there must be at fault. So when for what felt like the hundredth time in my years of having kids, once again the job assigned to them had been only partially completed and I found myself calmly figuring out how I would do it next time. Realizing my fault in all of this was the expectation of them living up to their promise of compliance, given under the pretense to get their way at the moment of the conversation.
I saw the millions of times that I would change, bend, and allow myself the opportunity to find an easier better way, both in the completion of the job and the way to state the desired results. I was to blame, because I was not allowing their growth in figuring out the solution and finishing the work completely on their own. Feeling so stuck in the time constraint of the arrival of clients and the needs of the animals. I had allowed them to train me to do all of their work and thinking for them.
So I let that sink in, changed my expectations for me. Rearranged the rules and had sort of satisfactory results for a day or two. Before I encountered the same problem again, multiplied by ten, with even less done, more anger, and tons of frustration over being patient and trying to understand. Which lasted long enough to cause mouth ulcers from held back venting, that I can attest to, honestly go away when one finally lets loose and becomes assertive as to whose responsibilities belongs to whom. As I handed my son the total of monies he earned for the days chores, minus the cost of my time finishing them… his twenty cents equaled one package of Ramen soup.
Then this morning found an even larger discrepancy between what was promised and what was delivered. To find me staring aghast, with the evidence so firmly in my face as he began to explain the reasons for my completely blown expectations, which as he talked I suddenly saw my entire childhood, my teen years, all the way up to the present moment. Completely exposed for sham of lies I had been taught and bought into as a little girl, and even now as I have allowed this behavior to control my current life… by re-teaching it to my kids. I just bawled, tapped, cried, allowed the long shouldered belief to be picked up, examined, thoroughly sized up, then reached up and cut the long tentacles from the nerves they had been so tightly grown in to.
Taking all this blame for when things go wrong; because others have complete amnesty from any wrong doing with the excuses they have been allowed to believe give them the rights to behave or do the things they do. The list well laid out in front of me by an earlier viewing from a teacher friend of a comedy video of a parent/teacher meeting where little Johnny has ADHD, attention disorders, bi-polar, he is to smart, an athlete, etc. etc. etc. Adding to that the numerous ones I have heard this last week with others deciding against a divorce or break up, cause their loving other: drinks, has blackouts, didn’t mean it, has job problems, bad bosses, etc. etc. etc.
Seems I have attracted these eye opening experiences of giving permission by my learned habit of “having to hear them out first”. I have this wide open door with foot prints all over the little me in the middle. A tiny little child, who until just a year or two back, jumped in a reactive self-preservation stance whenever things happened to fast, waiting to see or hear an explanation, before quickly fixing the problem. I have done a lot to uncover, learn to assert, and allow myself to have a life that I enjoy. Now I am learning how to actually live in a fashion, that I truly used to believe only happened to and for others.
I own the fact I caused all of this, it was what I was taught by well-meaning others, who had it taught to them. All of it truly done with the best of intentions. Just thankfully I have cooked, cleaned, repaired, and restarted enough animals, recipes and places to know things can be changed and made better, as long as we know what we don’t like and are willing to admit it’s our responsibility to do something different. We are only stopped when we look outside of our self to someone else for the final say over the answer that works best for us. I owe to me to pay attention, take my time to truly feel for what is right for me, and change anything I desire otherwise!
The gifts of the New Year seem to be guiding me forward, calling me toward things I have been envisioning since what feels like forever, as I sit reflecting tonight over this last week of slowly, inch, by inch. Sometimes second, by extremely slow second… allowing with the apprehension of what have I done now. Can I really move easily, comfortably into the desire I laid out so many years back?
Starting with Wednesday with the guarantee of the few things on the dealer’s check list to be fixed on my (?) new truck, which though not truly new it is so very new and grand to me. As I left the dealer ship with the promise of the truck by opening of the lot the next morning. I went to eat, imagine, and dream as I perused the local tack and trailer store for many of the things needed to be all of me in the following of my intuition, imagination and magnificent desires I have sat on for so long. As I have been holding the lid down tight on so much of me, allowing very little out and even less in, from the remaining fears of anyone telling me how I should, could, or better be to make them happy.
I awoke the next morning with a since of accomplishment as each horse I handled and rode, learned new steps, responded with enthusiasm and lightness. Which in turn quickened my hopes as I easily allowed the morning to pass not even bothering to have the phone close for me to be grab at when the salesman called like someone desperate for things to come together. Until…1 pm rolled around, I had done all of my animals, all of my chores, I had been good, played the game of “Mother, may I” and nothing was forthcoming.
So I called him, he answered saying the other lot had not called to update him so he would call and get back to me. I played cards, cleaned house, cleaned the barn and began to doubt myself, my ideas, my rights to have things like “I wanted them!” Feeling the pull of some dark, old, unseen, but truly felt buried belief raising its flag for me to find, realize, see it for the myth that it was. Yet until I could recognize andeven know it was there, to truly see it for what it was…I was stuck with the misery I felt in the alcove of waiting. First one hour, then two, three and finally after four hours I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I felt the old, constant feeling of being nicer to others than to myself. I suddenly saw years worth of being a doormat. The yes person, the firefighter, the hand me down, leftover queen, who now felt the avalanche of dread over being useless unable to get the simple answer of when was it going to be my turn. When was the truck actually going to be here, fixed, ready, available for me to drive, examine and savor.
As the tears started, I felt the immense anger welling up. The feeling of I played fair and yet nothing had come of it, and as I felt the true raw feelings of why, why me? I suddenly saw this very young loving, caring, giving, child, as she hid in the closet reading with a railroad lantern, as the fight raged on in the other room. Chanting the same prayer over and over “Jesus, Mary and Joseph help me”. Willing to do anything to run from fear, stop the yelling, afraid of the aftermath, listening, waiting and hearing her protector slamming the door, getting into and starting the truck. While she got deeper into the closet, holding fast to the fears that before she finally fell asleep, made a solemn promise to do whatever it took if God brought her mother back, to never let her them get that mad again.
Now this grown woman faced the little child, told her it was okay. There didn’t have to be just the two choices anymore, the one of a doormat or an angry witch. There could be other choices, the universe might need to take time to put all of these carefully orchestrated steps together so that when the time comes the truck will be the perfect, efficient vehicle for all the wondrous other parts of the puzzle to fit together easily and fluidly. As the rest of the weekend proceeded to play out all of the steps necessary to find any and all other items to be addressed after the 72 hour test drive period. The Universe now giving advance signs before each delay, to allow the steps to unfold in such a manner that as of this evening, the truck has been thoroughly checked by two very trusted mechanics, who have sited the few items that will be addressed before the final signing of the papers. Plus all of the positive points of my new three-quarter ton diesel truck, with its bumper, towing package, headache rack, running boards, grill guard and with low mileage that they are so impressed with my find.
Showing me that I don’t have to do or know it all. Others really are here to help me. The Universe truly has my back. I have just been holding on way to tightly from a habit I acquired when I was very small, when I thought my mother had left (she spent the night in the truck) and was faithfully allowing no one access to stomping on my dreams and taking my turn to feel right and safe away. It is going to be an fantastic year, as I continue to listen to, heed, and become aware of the signals from the Universe of each movement as I learn to enjoy and now trust the Guidance (God-U-& I-dance) I can and have felt. Just till now did not know why I couldn’t allow it to just happen in the time that it takes. Ahh the learning, the understanding, the allowing…I Can Do This!!
Talk about bringing in the New Year with a lot of magic and possibilities… as this last week has been an opening of letting go of all kinds of past issues, problems, old worn out items and habits. Starting off on Christmas day when one of my sisters came for a visit where we sat, talked, and shared lots of old history with an openness to hear each others view point and perspective. Allowing me to see many things in entirely new and different ways than I truly ever imagined, as I became conscious of many other layers of our family life than can be really felt or appreciated when one is in past that time warp of surviving, living, or going through the experiences of growing up.
I was so glad to have this time of learning about our past through the others different eyes and point of perspective adding to the information garnished in the last two months of being able to have private, honest conversations with all of my three sisters. Which granted me the ability to realize we all are going through something, which was impossible to see from any other place than where we each were, until someone opens the door to invite the truth from another without any one having to fear or suffer repercussions from actually opening one’s mouth to let “it” all out… which seems to have the added marvelous benefit of healing old assumptions as the new clarity falls into place.
I have in the past week… made Christmas a fantastic, fun, sharing experience with lots of money left in the bank. Putting up my old truck for sale, selling both the body and the engine to two different individuals. Had several last minute gift certificates for lessons show up and found “My New Truck”. Which is literally the truck on my wish list from 2004, its white, four wheel drive, diesel, super cab, with headache rack, grill guard, bumper with hitch towing package, gooseneck ball, work package,and $500 under book value. With only 125000 miles, decked out like the photos in my phone and on my walls… I am so glad my truck quit or I would not have been looking and found my dream truck within ten miles of my place.
To add to all of this fun and mayhem, one of the dating sites that I have had my profile on for several years but only have been frequenting to see where I am at vibration wise by the types of men I attract. To be pleasantly surprised by a letter of explanation of my slim selections of offered possibilities because of my not participating in a feature to browse through the selected men who fit my overall search choices, which by so doing means I just get to quickly peruse, choose yes, no, or maybe, and the computer then takes into consideration my actual, individual choices, to compile a more accurate group of men to then direct my info to. Which as I was sitting there, happily, comfortably narrowing things down, this email from the site pops up, to then find me engaging in an extremely fun exchange with a man who seems to once again fit so many things on my wish list from back in 2004.
It is like, by the decision of me to so thoroughly get involved with the process of taking full responsibility that maybe all of my beliefs needed to be gone through, examined, tossed if no longer applicable, changed if uncomfortable, and added if the new thought had never, ever occurred to be possible much less true for me. Thus then allowing God/The Universe the ability through the now widened gap of potentiality to bring me so very many things I was so stubbornly clinging to only being possible by doing it in the fashion I was taught to believe was right for me. Even though many of those ideas got me to this point, it’s that turning just a little in one direction or the other I could suddenly see gems of possibilities that were so hidden from me, by so many well-meaning people I have known who’s caring about me, I so thought meant they had the last word!
Wow, I am so excited to find myself here, expressing my joy in learning to observe, share, and examine the world from the broader perspective of, is whatever I am believing “true for me, Right NOW!” 2013 is a whole new year of exploration and adventure with a new truck, clean slate, and new beliefs that I can toss the moment they no longer hold true. Bless all of you who have followed, shared, and enjoyed my previous growth as I continue toward finding the best in every, fully alive, moment to come.
The last twenty four hours has found me busy experiencing and experimenting with life through horses, people, computers, and internet dating sites. The first experience begins with my student of last night, who has been slowly, intricately finding how to separate each part of her anatomy. Fascinated as she discovers the dance of the horse so thoroughly mimicking her moves, finding as she separates her heel’s movement, from her knee, thigh or hip of the softness of feel and response given back to her from her mount. So intrigued with how much the horse offers as with what seemed like resistance, now becoming flowing steps as she carefully moves each separate part of her legs, arms or torso. To be so rewarded from this mammal so many take to be just an animal to ride.
As I am watching her almost oblivious to me mounted just yards away. I suddenly find myself on a very agitated animal, as he suddenly begins mouthing the bit, then fidgeting first one foot, then two. I become aware of his motions as they quickly show the signs of something amiss that I can feel, just not see or find. As I allow him the benefit of the doubt, he starts walking in small, tight and extremely unusual circles. His heartbeat increasing as I sense something unusual about to happen with this steed who had experienced so much trauma before ending up here. About the time I go to step off, he suddenly stops, lets out this huge sigh of “oh well” then begins to relieve himself, as I try very hard not to laugh at what I now understand was his problem. Though he is 10, and has been ridden for almost a year and a half, he has never had to work through this type of situation. His whole list of actions were in an attempt to not allow a human near as he had to fully relax to do his business. Which finally got the best of him as peeing became more important than having to maintain his stance of constant brace.
Once resolved, he yawned and yawned and yawned as his whole mental image of “I am supposed to stay tense when humans are near” suddenly no longer made sense. Much like the last two days of answering, reading, replying and deleting emails on the dating sights, as men from my past were the first to reply when my profile posted. Several very nice, curious as to what I was up to, if there might be still a chance, and the one who started out sounding nice, then proceeded to try to commit me to why I was wrong for ending it. That’s where I found the true joy in the delete button, and the effectiveness of the blocking tab this afternoon.
Later after indulging in this feeling of freedom of choice I went to get my mount of yesterday to play with, see where we are currently both at. Watching him as I proceeded across the pasture, having to brush aside my personal horses, who were just curious in the desire of a quick scratch or two. While he tried to play me for hide and seek amongst them, just a much shorter than yesterday version, a definite change in how he perceives my leadership. Showing once haltered, a lower head set, with a softer follow and feel back to the saddling area. More breathing, relaxed watch, give and movement while I groomed, checked feet and saddled.
The groundwork was much less tense, he still struggling with the belief that “should a human touch the rope on the left side of my body, I should fling my head completely to the right and brace for the inevitable”.( He carries a large hole in the center of his forehead from meeting with some object before he came here) I am in such a place of wonder of my own personal change in reacting to others I figure this is the perfect time to help him through this.
So for the next hour, I ask in small, well defined feels of exactly where I want his nose to get to before I release it. Knowing just how much slack will be in the line for him to reach and touch his nose to my skin, actually physically asking “is this what you want?” The first time on the left took 20 minutes, the right about 30 seconds. The dance of ask, reply and release continues till I feel him start to actually look at me and begin yawning. Allowing all this old fear to bubble up, come out, and dissipate in the cooler evening skies. All the while I am comparing his fears, trepidations, and concerns which so match the way I use to, months ago, view and deal with so many things of my own. Amazed at the coincidence of sorting through each scenario in my mind, and his asking occurring about the same time.
Once done, he walked back almost sauntering, different, comfortable, much like me. I now know I am okay, I can say no, I can change my mind, I can ask, I can be turned down, turned on, found and left alone, and I absolutely completely love and approve of myself anyway. Without requiring anything from the peanut gallery, as my choices on the buffet table of life… Are all my choices, the ones that matter to me!
The last few days have been an examination of so much old stuff, finally loosed from beneath the layers of a being imprisoned into a life, long lived pleasing and taking care of others. Fully brought to consciousness this last Thursday afternoon when I picked up my son from his last day of boot camp, where he presented to me his report card papers of passing grades which allow him to start as a freshman next year. Followed by his remarks of his idea of my schedule for this summer…
I sat there just letting it all sink in as I studied the paper in front of me, which so perfectly described much of the last few years. Low grades, when I begged, struggled, argued, defended and held my breath as we got through each grade level. Till I noticed how the paper spelled out this last school year, the low grades, the lack of honest participation, the total release to allow him to suffer the consequences as he would have to figure this out for himself. Till he pushed the limit of excuses, of tardiness, sloppiness, failure to participate, and plain old “I know I can get someone else to hear my sob story” finally netted him the visit with the school offering for me, by the suggestion to try the boot camp program for him, at the only cost of having to get him to school at 7 and hang around in town an extra hour to sign him out at 6.
Now showing me the proof of trusting myself that it was the best thing for both of us, as his grades went from C’s and D’s to all A’s and B’s. Rounding out the year with completions in all subjects, perfect attendance and no tardiness from a young man who is beginning to understand I am going to have a life. I am going to take care of me, myself and I first. He is welcomed to participate, as long as he does his full share. He is responsible for all of his actions and I am responsible to say no, hold my ground, honor my heart, love myself and speak up for my rights as both mother and father, breadwinner, bill payer and fully engaged in living a life of desires, fun, and adventure. All drama can go elsewhere.
The layers of fears from others description of how and what I should, could, or better be doing, came raging out, dancing around me as I burned this humongous pile of weeds and brush that I have been digging and clearing off my place since the first lawnmower breakdown three years ago. The tears, the frustration, the confusion, and the loss of certainty from the times I had to literally almost choke on pure anger and terror of screwing up, going too far, or making the wrong move in each of the most telling steps of this long road of raising my sons. Setting them free to realize and except their full responsibilities to do and take care of themselves, so that I can live, laugh and love with or without them.
Followed by two days of discovery of several small no’s that are still tripping me up just a bit. I went to make my last two bus runs yesterday to be presented with several snacks, gifts, and leftovers from my students and colleagues. To then check my email and find an invitation from a man I use to date, inviting me to be friends on line. I was trying to be gracious, but I don’t eat any of those things, the last date ended badly, and I found myself struggling with to what to do… politely. When the total truth hit me, I still suck at saying no. I so want to tattoo it to my wrist in plain sight, paint it all across my vehicle, on every wall in the house. Till the fire was finally just a smoldering pile of ashes, as I smelled the stinkweed and soot I had been tending, tear stains down my dirty, ashen face. To look up, see the sunrise, see the four and three-quarters acres finally cleared. The grass cut, trimmed, and horses quietly grazing. As this deep, peace settled in…
I was taught to please, to take it, to tough it out, to listen, to be understanding, to care, to fix, to do so many other things. But I succeeded anyway… I taught myself to live, to love being alive, to figure things out, to adjust, to become, to choose, and if things didn’t work out. To choose again, try one more time, put just one foot in front of the other. But mostly to trust. I was and am being guided by a wonderful since of awareness that constantly beckons me forward… The light of hope, tomorrow and life!
Much of what might seem like work to many, is the most marvelous chore for excavating, sometimes delicately the many layers of my life. I have found the more I need to know an answer to a particular question; is to just ask, wait, pay attention, and if there seems no reply. I play with the question, changing words, changing inflections, changing my view of why, where, when, or what if… sometimes when I am able to stay with asking until I get to the “what if’s?” I am always amazed at finding several probabilities I had never even thought of that then show themselves to me.
The chore of weed eating, not intending or expecting to do all five acres, just with the constant rain, the equipment mishaps, and now the mosquitoes, this had moved to the top of my priority list. Doubly so because some of these weeds, easily measured over 5 foot tall and some extended three or four foot across, assisted in their growing from the lightening during the storms. The sanity is in the joy of a rich sandy loam, a love of manicured property, and the past experience of the relief found in pulling, tugging, digging, and uprooting physically some of my sometimes obvious and oft times hidden dilemmas. Today’s accomplishment being made more important now hours later after working three horses and my afternoon route.
The first two horses are coming along nicely, slowly allowing me to become in tune with them by working through the small glitches that reflect my relationship to men. These horses have taught me how I have allowed myself this trap of feeling so much more for another’s feelings, that then when I get run over or pushed aside. I was more than just a little bit miffed. “How could someone do that to me, I cared so much!” These big awesome creatures teaching me the tact of saying no and holding my ground, actually finds them more respective to my point of view. The third horse, was all about her, prima donna, almost perfect for lessons… when she is in the mood. Today she taught me how much I have allowed women more say in my life than I even had any indication about. She would give in, just long enough to bait the hook, then push back trying to tell me I am nothing, that she is awesome and I owe her. The session ending with me a little ahead, but definitely with more work to do.
So I drove and thought about all that has transpired in the last few months. All the layers, some torn down, some gently scraped, many reconstructed for me to find at the base a new premise after summing all of my searching for who me is up. I am me, unique, an individual, a tall, interesting, feeling, sensing, and an actual know it all…about me. The core of me is really, totally and completely up to me. There is a ton of information out there, there are tons of opinions, tons of reason, literature, documentaries, and research to tell me who or what I am or supposed to be. Just the final result is me dictating, deciding, and being My Complete Version of Me.
How I train, dance, talk, walk, look, feel or whatever is the style I have developed and finally own because that is who I now decide I am. If I change any of it, lose weight, gain weight, dye my hair, color my teeth, get a tattoo or shave my head and walk backwards tomorrow… I am still me, I just changed “My Mind” and a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
All this tapping, going deep, finding, searching for this answer I know I need almost as much as life itself. Today was a day of exploring, working, hurting, answering, and fumbling. After coming here to my writing place for this morning’s blog copy and finding I had written it entirely on the spot, no editing, no saving in case my computer was turned off. So much wanting to get more clarity on this funny, floating, stomach clinching, realization, that at the moment has me meandering instead of getting to the clarity I received this afternoon. Let me re-start with my first lesson, whom I truly was dreading, so I tapped on clarity, understanding, and clearing any and everything associated with the ookyness I was feeling. I tapped, and talked, tapped and talked till I felt a slight tingling of an okayness about to happen. They arrived, her with a tale of her last week, him asking how his new “baby” (the horse) was doing, me explaining, showing, and demonstrating how she best could be handled. As he saddled, he asked questions that I felt my answers were not being heard, but I still gave as much information and explanation possible for each step I was taking. Knowing I was dealing with a very old personal ghost… the ghost of men who albeit listened, but I am a female, let her talk and then we will do it our way. Everything about my part of the demonstrating where and why she (the rescue horse) needed to be handled and taken care of slowly and deliberately, as they each learned and understood each other, was flawless. Then he took over, bridled her, stepped up on her, asking her to walk, but only partially listening to my suggestions. At a walk all was fine, except for trying to get him to change his way of sitting, leaning back “sigh”. Then he asked her to step up to a trot, he moved to quickly, asked much harder than she was used to. She almost darted out from under him, his leaning back, grabbing reins right, then left, pulling on her profusely, till about half way around the pen, he managed to hear me, and bring her to a trembling for both of them stop. Suddenly, he was open to what I have been teaching his wife for the last three or more years. Suddenly, I claimed my full power, explaining the why’s, the hows, the possibilities, probabilities and as true understanding became apparent in his face, his questions became practical, honest, and so very respectful. I felt the grace of true release of a big part of a very old set of memories. I became calm, compassionate, aware, and so very grateful to have allowed all of this to transpire in helping me to find his inner being meeting mine on this table of true connection. All judgment gone, in the wake of sharing one on one, no better, no worse, just people helping each other, allowing me to seek and finally find a new part of unconditional acceptance and love for another. I suddenly not only found a new way to view another, but I discovered this huge wall of self-imposed ugliness I have been holding as shield to protect the world from me. Whence it came from, is not nearly as important as is the fact I found it today, and I have the time it will take to tear it down, studying each brick and piece of mortar that was used to place it around me. Then slowly, lovingly, polishing each new wondrous, adoring, realigned, layer back in place, for me to shine from… Coolest part being, when I came back inside all the rest of today, I noticed how beautiful I have become, even dirt covered, hair skewed, and smelling like sweaty horses, I found and see the inner glow, shining out!