48 hours later and so many things have changed right before my very eyes… All of these illusions, deceptions, frustrations and struggles have all turned into this magical, marvelous path back in time to take a look at my story from a totally new vantage point. To find a little girl, about 5, brown small suitcase clutched tightly under her buttocks as she sits crying all the way around the block on the corner, the one furthest away from home. Sitting there, staring longingly at the opposite side of the street in this attempt to run away, but foiled by the rules of “never cross the street…alone”. Where her mother finds her a little while later asking what she is doing? The little girl wails in total loss, and humiliation “nobody loves me, no one will play with me, they always want to play with dolls, I don’t fit in, I listen, I do what I’m told, I work at playing dolls, I clean, I stayed out of the street, yet my turn to play horses never comes.” The mother comforts the child the best she can “it will all work out”, and they go back home, with the memory etched into the recesses of my mind, for me to finally find… again.
I worked on this memory a few years back when I first found EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and had thought I had cleared it, because I forgot about it. To find in the last few days of outrageous heat (in the shade it was 113 degrees) with no breezes and several horses to ride, which I did very early or very late in the day, yet I couldn’t manage to escape this feeling of being in the hot seat, under a tremendous light. So hot, so miserable, I sought relief in watching movies and large glasses of iced water and limeades. Struggling to get comfortably through to my two touchy, jumpy, horses, way too much work in all of this direct glare, till I found myself, frustrated, tired and sobbing “it’s not fair, I work so hard, and no one wants to play with me”…
Suddenly, like being slapped in the face. I found the nugget of peace I had been so determinedly seeking. This gem of information rocked me to my core. I suddenly saw the trail of relationships with others as the outsider looking in… always working, always cleaning up, fixing for others, doing the impossible, sitting outside of the lime light. With this crazy belief egging me on, that if I “worked, struggled, did whatever I was told”, I would eventually have my turn.
My past attempt to deal with the story was about being different, standing out like a sore thumb and the nobody loves me. There was no memory at that time about no one wanting to play with me. I now see how I have done all of this crazy, insane work of trying to fit in, waiting for things to work out. As my five year old mind took literally “it would all work out”. So work I have, for any and everybody, doing it all to fit in, cleaning up, fixing, repairing, paying for others to help me and even putting others first. All in the crazy belief that when all the work is done…then I can play!
To find myself with a lesson this morning, as I watched her diligently struggle with the newest information I had given her for her toolbox of ways to connect with her mount. As I listened to her berate herself over her inability to use the latest tool the right way. I threw up my hands and told her “enough, I am throwing the whole toolbox and tools idea away”, instead I now want you to look at each idea as a toy, another way for you to play with your horse, toys for your toy box.
The laughter exploded out of her chest, her whole body relaxed, the horse let out a huge sigh of relief. In that moment I saw the glint of gold in my ability to play, have fun, enjoy, pivot, dance, and revel in the joy of allowing myself to be truly paid to play and enjoy life. I have given up working, life is supposed to be fun. All in favor… come on down, the weather is cool, the breeze this evening is fantastic and the shower from the storm that blew the heat away way early Sunday morning has made the ground soft and fluffy as the grass so quickly turned soft, green and vibrant! Life is a dance, find a song and come along, find your own toys and come play!
Last night as I was trying to distract myself again, still stuck on level 14 with those 3000 points just eluding me, I heard this incredible bickering, snippy, aggravating, mean, bitchy, hag inside my head. Admonishing me for each and every move I made, or any person who I espied as choices for friend connections on Face Book.
I heard this voice in my head that was scolding, mean, belittling, annoying, just plain rude, and so uncaring as it presented me with tons of facts from the my past over why I could not, should not or would not ever, ever, fit in or be liked. Even though it took almost an hour or more of playing, loosing, and stubbornly replaying the same level over and over and over, because I knew I was not playing the game so much as I was allowing me to feel for where I was still holding me stuck, still, and frozen.
This was about me… and this constant really, subtle noise in the back of my mind. Which has been there for years, just has become a lot louder and obvious as I cleared out, cleaned up, and sorted through so many of the other layers of beliefs and opinions that no longer work for or serve me. And when I recognized, fully felt, and heard it… the internet froze, I lost connection, allowing me to close the screen and retire to meditate my way through to my dream state and allow the Universe the opportunity to guide me in letting this go.
I drifted off to sleep, waking up late, with a curious dream of lying upside down in a yoga position next to a wall, and selling this man a truck as he sheepishly offered more than I expected or wanted. I began to right myself to make a choice, aroused just enough to sleepily reach for my earphones, turned back on the meditation of change and drift back into the release phase to then wake up feeling comfortably different like I can make conscious decisions of how to respond so much more easily than ever before.
I opened my email allowing myself to be drawn into an ongoing exchange on a horse training site that I frequent, about a young lady making decisions about each of her next steps going forward with this horse she is retraining. In the dialogue exchange she is always very open about what steps she has taken, which resources she has touched upon, and her opinion about how or why she chooses to use or not use a particular source. Always stating her openness to learning the why’s and how’s of others to peruse upon and make more choices as she continues working with this horse.
After reading through the particularly long message digest and copying to my horse info folder any new interesting and possibly useable for later tools of ideas and information. I discovered a newer email just posted from the same sight which included a link to her video of the success of finally connecting up with the horse and having it allow her to lead and touch it.
She had done such a wonderful job, was having so much fun by choosing the tools that worked for her. I just stopped, and sent her a reply of the marvels in her choice of learning, sharing, and the success she now so joyfully had accomplished. With the blessing of continued advancement and achievements in this line of communicating and working with horses she was exhibiting such pleasure in.
I then went on to Face Book, laughing at the humorous postings, re-posting any and all that fit me, or I enjoyed so much I just loved the feeling of sharing them further. Finding two of my friends in that curious state of perplexed confusion of the frustration of having been moving forward to suddenly hit a wall that seemed insurmountable.
I allowed the words to easily roll out from under my fingers of breathing, relaxing,and reminding them of how blessed and deserving they are. God is just helping them to sort out more of what they do want, allowing them to rest, sift through and discard what they don’t. The next step is to relax, realize, consider, and then choose by saying: Thank you, Next… Please! Allowing the Universe to then work its magic of leading them further forward to their dream, minus the unwanted things that moments before they had been holding onto as their only answers.
As I finished all the new fun things on the Face Book page I noticed the voices have been gone, silent, or absent from my immediate presence. So I re-opened my mail site to my emails to find several messages from all of those I had taken the time to acknowledge their wondrous selves, what they had accomplished, and how good it felt to to share in their uniqueness. Which caused this immense quickening within … I have done it. I have gone round the corner to noticing and responding to only the good I notice or see.
I am sharing with others as I open up to truly becoming okay with me. Right here, right now…as I write, play on the computer, enjoying almost each minute of my morning. The bully, skeptic, critic, intolerant, meaning well bitch was not even present. Both of the two times earlier when she started to say something… I stopped, felt around, and chose otherwise. To now find myself almost three hours later, not in a hurry, satisfied and eager for more. I am truly looking forward to the other things I am going to accomplish today. At my own pace, in my own way, from the choice of who I am today. The door to the past of just reacting is closing more and more every day! Sigh…
All this work, all this digging, all this examining, excavating, feeling, and awareness for answers/solutions to this current place of stucked-ness, that even my computer is pointing out that that word does not exist as I desire it to be. I tried the variations of actions my computer program suggested, yet none of them fit in “My” description of this latest tale of self-discovery. This evening’s rendition of the war of words unleashed when I went to make myself a simple desert and discovered my youngest had emptied almost the entire can of whipping cream, less the two liquid tablespoons which were summoned out by holding it upside down and they dribbled out.
There is this place of enoughness, a condition brought about by being nice, kind, considerate, and mindful of one’s manners because… we have guests, the elderly, men, ladies, young ears, and I should mind my place in the doing of dishes, putting out the meal, serving the kids and several other womanly chores that surfaced at today’s family gathering. Which brought up memories of Thanksgiving pasts when I knew both of my parents full time working situations and used to think how totally absurd it was for the women to have to do it all whilst the men lounged around, sampling the food and watching TV, and yet the women only got to relax after they had done it all.
I had spent the day deep in thought over the togetherness of my sisters and father’s family, the new things I desire and the space still between them, held apart from this unnamed sore point from my past which showed up in my waking as a tugging at my left shoulder and neck muscles early this morning. Staying to niggle at my consciousness as once again, the pain (pay attention I need) was alerting me to something about to become clear enough for me to change or release.
I had felt perfectly comfortable with most of the day’s activities, till the last several incidents here at the house with my youngest, doing the just getting by effort, with the final straw being the same old excuses turned into an old habit of trying to make me feel guilty for having to do without the whipped topping I had set my mouth for. When the words just came boiling out, angry, mad, and extremely frustrated, though for a change I could feel myself actually editing thoughts and feelings as soon as the tirade began, fascinated with the memories flooding my mind. As I worked my way through the explosion, calming myself, I became aware of the uncovered flawed beliefs, which had been firmly wedged beneath layers of that’s what women did.
My mind stating that there is no one here to hold me to that now. I can make new choices. I can have the very life I was shushed at for when I was much younger and told this it just how things are. Suddenly feeling a huge sigh escape from within as I found a sense of wonder at the ability and power of the tool of anger, when the lid on top of the problem is so tightly wedged and screwed on that the only way for things to come out is with the steam of energy prodded up to then beyond the boiling point.
Aware too, of the young horse I have in training who is so perfectly physically balanced, she knows the minute one is in just the right position for her to move and jostle inexperienced riders out of the seat of power, so she can maneuver her way back to where she wants to go. Much like my youngest son’s ability to tamper with my temper, where in the past he would prod my kettle till I got mad, to then apologize like crazy, make all kinds of promises to get his desire met first with no actual intention to do the follow up. Not tonight, tonight I found myself watching, aware, and changing as I noticed not only all of me, but all of him. Felt the parry and thrust of my well trained teacher of a child as I finally earned an “A” by getting mad, being made aware, getting over it, and still accomplishing a feeling of amazed relief now that all is said and done. A very learned and happy Thanksgiving indeed!
Woke up with an aching feeling in one of my bottom teeth, the kind that for me usually signals something stuck that is aching to be relieved from in between the slight space found between teeth. I wandered toward the bathroom pausing momentarily as I saw the light on in my office. Which around here at 7:30 in the morning, definitely means someone (my youngest son) is up on my computer, so I stuck my head in and asked if he had done all of the morning chores. Per our agreement for computer use this early in the morning without asking and waking me. He stated yes, and that he would make me a glass of instant breakfast to clinch the deal, since it was his responsibility today to take care of fixing something for us to eat.
I declined saying I would rather go get a real breakfast down at the café. He said that he would find something here so he could utilize as much computer time as possible before my return. Finally getting to the mirror in the bathroom to view the tooth in question, noting to the side of it a sore from me catching my gum with a toothpick last night. I then brushed my teeth, talking to the one in pain, asking it what was going on that I had somehow missed… No answer, so I proceeded to shower, dress, fix my makeup and hair as I then visualized my morning’s journey whilst quickly throwing a load in the washer and after moving last night’s load to the dryer. Noting the tennis shoes I was throwing in would look so much better with new white laces to be acquired at the dollar store next to the café and off I went.
One stop shopping at its finest, to walk in right up to the needed item, no waiting as the cashier met me when I came up with my purchase, rung it up and as I was digging for the change, pulled the few cents needed from the penny donation container on the counter to return dollars instead of change. Headed into the café, found a lighted booth facing the door, ordered, pulled out to read my latest Kindle book as I enjoyed their really good breakfast offering. All the while aware of this niggling pain and what it was trying to convey to me. With no answer easily forth coming, I proceeded to the convenience store for teas and dessert for both him and me later in the day and to then head home.
Walked into a disarray in the living room of all of his stuff, thrown here and there, definite shoe marks from the barn to his room, and then met by a very pushy 14 year old, who attempted to grab his dessert to just wolf down. I corrected his intent by pointing at the floor, the mess now found in the kitchen and questioning if all chores had been completed, because until I had checked…he would be getting nothing.
Wandered back into the office to go through my email after I had finished another rotation of wash, all the while aware of my tooth suddenly aching louder just as he came back in with the dessert being devoured, stating his chores were accomplished. As I was going through my email I could feel the muscle in the back of my neck and the top of my shoulder all trying to add to the symphony of aches now coming in chorus from various parts of my body, when I caught myself looking for another email to defend myself from my disinterest in the current male.
I could feel this dawning of awareness between the aches, and the guilty/rude behavior I have been witnessing, acknowledging, and sugar coating my answers for in an attempt to make telling another No, okay. All of a sudden this desire for my ritual Sunday nap after a week of 5:30 risings, 5 horses and 2 or 3 lessons a day, hustling a 14 year old boy and then being “Nice” to a man when my senses had already alerted me to “he’s not it”. What in the world I have been thinking/drinking/smoking!!! I put on a meditation tape, noting as I started to doze, my son’s sneaking back in to play on the computer, but my body was in need and I was taking care of me, “First”.
I awoke knowing the tooth ache and mouth sore were symptoms of me “biting back words” being nice, accommodating, kind… seeing another as unable to take the truth, them not being able or willing to do something different, they’re not being able to be okay with my choices for me… Damn, I am still doing it, but at least I am catching myself sooner. I am becoming more aware of my still reacting first, then feeling if it is right for me or not, I can feel my body softening, relaxing, allowing me to feel good even now as I am writing all of this out.
I do believe my current challenge is to becoming a perfect, friend, lover, confidant, partner, trainer, and coach to my wonderfully tolerant loving body… the temple of my knowing, feeling, spiritual, aware, sensing soul. I am going to learn how to successfully really hear whatever it is trying to tell me as I become a true team player. Remembering there is no I in TEAM!
The last twenty four hours has found me busy experiencing and experimenting with life through horses, people, computers, and internet dating sites. The first experience begins with my student of last night, who has been slowly, intricately finding how to separate each part of her anatomy. Fascinated as she discovers the dance of the horse so thoroughly mimicking her moves, finding as she separates her heel’s movement, from her knee, thigh or hip of the softness of feel and response given back to her from her mount. So intrigued with how much the horse offers as with what seemed like resistance, now becoming flowing steps as she carefully moves each separate part of her legs, arms or torso. To be so rewarded from this mammal so many take to be just an animal to ride.
As I am watching her almost oblivious to me mounted just yards away. I suddenly find myself on a very agitated animal, as he suddenly begins mouthing the bit, then fidgeting first one foot, then two. I become aware of his motions as they quickly show the signs of something amiss that I can feel, just not see or find. As I allow him the benefit of the doubt, he starts walking in small, tight and extremely unusual circles. His heartbeat increasing as I sense something unusual about to happen with this steed who had experienced so much trauma before ending up here. About the time I go to step off, he suddenly stops, lets out this huge sigh of “oh well” then begins to relieve himself, as I try very hard not to laugh at what I now understand was his problem. Though he is 10, and has been ridden for almost a year and a half, he has never had to work through this type of situation. His whole list of actions were in an attempt to not allow a human near as he had to fully relax to do his business. Which finally got the best of him as peeing became more important than having to maintain his stance of constant brace.
Once resolved, he yawned and yawned and yawned as his whole mental image of “I am supposed to stay tense when humans are near” suddenly no longer made sense. Much like the last two days of answering, reading, replying and deleting emails on the dating sights, as men from my past were the first to reply when my profile posted. Several very nice, curious as to what I was up to, if there might be still a chance, and the one who started out sounding nice, then proceeded to try to commit me to why I was wrong for ending it. That’s where I found the true joy in the delete button, and the effectiveness of the blocking tab this afternoon.
Later after indulging in this feeling of freedom of choice I went to get my mount of yesterday to play with, see where we are currently both at. Watching him as I proceeded across the pasture, having to brush aside my personal horses, who were just curious in the desire of a quick scratch or two. While he tried to play me for hide and seek amongst them, just a much shorter than yesterday version, a definite change in how he perceives my leadership. Showing once haltered, a lower head set, with a softer follow and feel back to the saddling area. More breathing, relaxed watch, give and movement while I groomed, checked feet and saddled.
The groundwork was much less tense, he still struggling with the belief that “should a human touch the rope on the left side of my body, I should fling my head completely to the right and brace for the inevitable”.( He carries a large hole in the center of his forehead from meeting with some object before he came here) I am in such a place of wonder of my own personal change in reacting to others I figure this is the perfect time to help him through this.
So for the next hour, I ask in small, well defined feels of exactly where I want his nose to get to before I release it. Knowing just how much slack will be in the line for him to reach and touch his nose to my skin, actually physically asking “is this what you want?” The first time on the left took 20 minutes, the right about 30 seconds. The dance of ask, reply and release continues till I feel him start to actually look at me and begin yawning. Allowing all this old fear to bubble up, come out, and dissipate in the cooler evening skies. All the while I am comparing his fears, trepidations, and concerns which so match the way I use to, months ago, view and deal with so many things of my own. Amazed at the coincidence of sorting through each scenario in my mind, and his asking occurring about the same time.
Once done, he walked back almost sauntering, different, comfortable, much like me. I now know I am okay, I can say no, I can change my mind, I can ask, I can be turned down, turned on, found and left alone, and I absolutely completely love and approve of myself anyway. Without requiring anything from the peanut gallery, as my choices on the buffet table of life… Are all my choices, the ones that matter to me!
This is the thought that I know has been eluding me the last few days, weeks, months and I highly suspect most of my life. It’s this funny thing I suspect we all do and luckily for me I get to observe others around me in the lessons I give, the people I coach, and the variety of information I receive via the internet. In the blogs I read, the emails shared, and the unsolicited, over abundant sales pitches to look, be, have, or your missing out that seems to be everywhere. But it too serves a purpose as a way to measure where I am at in being the captain of myself in this journey of life.
It is Sunday morning, Memorial weekend here in Texas. Though I rarely include the day of the week or an actual date to mark whence my story telling of my life is occurring. Today is special because I have locked my sights onto this internal war of beliefs that have been the driving force in what feels like the extreme ups and downs in my life. The time is 8:30 on a Sunday, I have slept in late, one cause of the tiredness/struggle of trying too hard to find this particular answer, though I did have assistance in hearing my youngest and his buddy getting up at 7 to feed. So I rolled over to think, consider, sort through the tingling of awareness which kept showing itself the last few days, inspiring me to come write. Yet disappearing in the words that would then flow from my fingers, the idea sprang fully in my mind, crystal clear this morning, causing me to give up my other daily rituals so I could capture it fully in words.
Those words too, describe the all or nothings, symbolized in the lesson down the road with my last student of the day yesterday. A simple exercise of riding the horses to a particular destination at rider’s requested speed, asking for the horse to be a willing participant in this freedom from constraint of the five acres we currently inhabit. The objective is to have the rider moving their body in time with the horse’s, both parties assisting the other to find the dance of movement so that the ride is enjoyable. The rider to be moving in such a fashion as to be massaging and asking in a way to assist the horse to find what is being asked in a friendly inviting form. The horse to be willing to walk, jog, or trot at the slowest, interested in where we are headed, quietly following its rider’s lead, the entire trip to be engaging, relaxing, and a way of stretching the limits of safety found in riding in a structured environment.
My steed perfectly willing to move at the speed’s requested, in any direction, softly, fluidly, easily, only as long as he was allowed to lead. The little mare, was constantly working at dragging the reins through my student’s hands, much like she does when she becomes annoyed with first timers or the ones who come to take lessons, just so they can go fast. Whose hands and body motions are hard, way to insistent when they discover I teach flow, communication, attunement with the horse, and they try to sneak in being heavy handed, which she resents and has enough smarts to keep them honest and aide them to learn how to ask assertively, but lightly.
The entire trip of two miles down to the local arena, with a few minutes of opening and closing gates, small circles, side passes and yields with my horse’s cooperation as long as it was his way, in front, on his terms. My student and the mare discussed where and how long it would take for the rider to give up and the horse to be allowed her usual hour lesson tolerance of unskilled hands. Though this entire lesson included the emotions of who’s in charge, the electricity of resistance, stimulated by the thoughts that typically go through my mind of: What is he doing, why is he not listening, why today, how to get his attention, where is this coming from, etc, etc, etc all indicative of my frustration from the lawnmower, my son and my life flowing through my mind and my body, that the horse had so picked up and wanted none of. If it is not a comfortable feeling, the feeling to the horse is the rider has to be afraid of something I cannot see, so I (the horse) who is always living in the present moment, must take the lead so we can comfortably move on.
This morning’s waking thoughts so pin pointed the all’s or nothings. My tool situations, my son and families participation, my work, my horses when others are around, my entire life. I have been swimming in this sea of right or wrong, its either done or it isn’t, I am either liked or disliked, I either have money or I don’t, it’s either right now or I am unworthy, a fool, an idiot, or I just don’t have the right whatever’s. So I need to buy them, find them, change them, fix them or ditch them. The gray area, that place of baby steps, seems baby steps need to encompass the entire world. The baby steps of now at least two thirds of my place is cut, at least two thirds of my son’s habits have become more cooperative, my bills are all paid with cash in my wallet, money in the bank, my truck running, hay in the barn, feed purchased for the next week… The list of what is right, right now, right this minute so outweighs what I should, could, might, ought to, or whatever else I have been told or shown I am a failure if I ain’t! I think, no I know the horse has it right. To live right now in this present moment, to be concerned with just being okay, moving, breathing, seeing, existing in the dance of life. It is so much easier, so much more comfortable, so much more fun. It is what life is about. Gray area, hmmm? Who knew, I do… at least right now today May 27, 2012 out west of Floresville, Texas overlooking the San Antonio river on a late easy “holiday” weekend. Definitely a “no worries” wanna be. 🙂
The soap bottle incident had my full attention the next morning after writing my last post. It spoke to me of how my son helped me “pin point” the cause of the flies (things bugging me) about his room’s disarray, how it needed to be cleaned up, and how I had the ability to put all the right pieces together quickly. Manifesting the answers, the help, the changes, the perfect order of steps to make quick progression in the last few phases of me finding, acknowledging, and letting go of this big chunk of resistance, as I appreciated both myself for allowing the guidance, and my son for his all of his contributions.
The next 24 hours was then spent in being aware of how important it is in reviewing situations, taking another look, stepping back to separate oneself from the emotional impact of the moment. Breathe in, and then feel or allow a different perspective the ability to show what else might be found. The hidden from view nuances of guidance, tweaking, redirection and relief in following one’s intuition to just be, sense, look or move in an unforeseen direction, which then plays out in the perfect sequence to the questions asked. Knowing I had started that morning asking “what do I need to know?” and “how can I help?”
Bringing today’s first morning thought about the need of tapping on the word suspicion. This huge importance that stayed with me till I got the bus headed down the road after picking up my last student for the thirty minute stretch into San Antonio. Fascinated by all of the stuff that came up, as tapped on, released, understood where it was coming from, remembering the stories, sayings, beliefs, both passed on from my family, friends and the incidents triggered at various times in my life. Suddenly finding myself looking at an entire road map of my life, dictated by what I have been taught to experience as just the way life is.
After what felt like the 100th yawn, tears rolling down my cheek, various sides, as my eyes would periodically water, then clear, as the thoughts became less persistent to be noted, looked at then tapped away. As I felt the search for the root cause lessen, my energy then picked up on the uncertainty of “what is enough digging, tapping, clearing” how do I know I have shifted, and moved all of the negativity or misunderstanding’s out of my energy field?
When no answer was forthcoming, I decided to just allow the morning to be shown to me, as I parked my bus, checked in my keys. To have the dispatcher offer to set me up with the friend she had been telling me about the day before. I queried about him, highly aware of my morning’s theme, as she ticked off quite a few things on my appreciation list, and then his actual name came to the forefront. The “No, thank you” came out faster than when she spoke his name. I explained I had taught his son, I knew who he was, yes he was nice, but we did not see handling horses the same way. Said my good days and headed to the store for the few things needed at the house.
Then I found myself questioning myself, but no amount of the reasoning game going on in my mind, could shift the odd taste in my mouth. Or answer the darkening of the skies to the west, the calm before the storm, the sense of something big is coming, someone is about to appear, there is a great change in my life, a new story about to unfold. I felt the guidance in the store, as I picked up each item, many of my choices on sale today. Walked out into a heavy downpour, that lifted long enough to get the items in my truck, followed by a heavy drenching rain all the way to the house. Which quit, long enough to unload, feed, clean pens, and then turn the horses out, so I could come in here to catch up on my thoughts and this sense of expectation.
To find myself, comfortable, aware, tasting the wind, listening to the crashing thunder, knowing and feeling a difference I can’t quite yet, put my finger on. It’s almost like the crest of a wave, as I feel it welling up, almost to the tipping point, right before the swell brakes into a foamy wave. I feel this surging of interest in my total surroundings, expecting an answer be it by seeing the right set of clues laid out before me that my mind registers, yet does not apply the picture to the theme… not just yet. But it is there, this sense, to listen, feel the wind for direction, check to see what the next moment might send for me to understand awareness of each moment. I am enjoying the tension, it is pulling life through me, as I await the next move on the chess board of my life. The thrill of being totally alive, aware, knowing, all senses fully awake, aware, aroused…expecting an answer, because I have asked!
I left here to do my evening route, still with an air of uncertainty, but the deed was done and I have to trust me. I am all I have! So I left here thinking of the audio’s I had pre-programmed in my phone for my route as I grabbed some popcorn, my full of ice and decaffeinated soda headed to do some serious interacting with my mindset.
Clocked in, started my bus when the impulses to stop cash in my two dollar win ticket from this morning for another, caused me to pull into the next convenience store and do just that. To be pleasantly rewarded with a quick twenty, to lighten my intensity level as I settled in to feel the offerings of thoughts now coming over my phone. All of the suggestions just reinforced my following my instincts and body feelings most of the day that were allowing me to become more in tuned with all of me. Orchestrating my simple, pleasant afternoon route, punctuated by the beauty of all of the spring flowers now brightly hued in yellow and oranges.
Once finished and clocked out, I quickly picked up supper’s offerings, conscious of the uneasiness still lingering in my gut, knowing I was headed to pick up a son who learned from someone else, that his behavior was out in the open. Waiting outside the facilities, till I was requested to talk to his DI, whom informed me of his personal respect for single mom’s like his mother had been, and reiterating my son’s expected behavioral changes. Which were answered with a “Sir, Yes, Sir”, that lasted till the end of the road, before all of the why’s came pouring out. Till I felt this amazing, assertive strength, reinforce out loud that life would now be different, the playing field had changed, and he would now figure things out, without my constant reminders or input.
Then the urge to get my fuel closer to home, instead of the long line at the gas war haven, netted me another scratch ticket worth seven more dollars. Noting the ease of my body from several knots, aches and pains I knew I had let something really big go. I decided to celebrate and purchased the Wide Awakening Program as an early, deserved present to me when minutes after getting home I received a call for a new client for lessons for her five year old daughter… Seems I am connecting to me, more and more, better and better… Things really do always work out for me!
What a word to hear, much less understand and take in. Though it is funny how it sort of mirrors the energy of the last three days of a funky, strange, swirling, sticky maze I find myself wandering through, just minutes away from the exit. To find myself firmly tangled in this stubborn, persistantly, spreading weed which keeps reappearing after I hack off the top, not getting the root out.
I came in to write after the visit with my youngest son’s PO counselor, feeling like I have been some sort of traitor to my family. Because I spoke the truth of the moment, of this morning, of yesterday, last week, last month, all these many minutes, hours, days and years of a lifetime of turning the other cheek, “What happens at home, stays at home!”
I walked into an appointment, really not caring about my son nearly as much as caring about me. Just wanting relief, being free of the responsibility of others problems, situations, and fires they keep setting as they expect and use to know I would cover for them or bail them out. Not today, not anymore, I so desire this freedom that is just inches away from me. I feel the keys are in my hand, one door today which I fully opened, examined, and displayed just like it is. No judgment, no right or wrong, just it is what it is. Expecting “eternal damnation” (of all things) from opening my mouth, saying what I felt, understood, and knew. To be amazed by being offered understanding, listening, being heard and then offered help. No judgment, just acceptance, awareness of what was going on or happening from a much broader perspective than the limited view from my central location(the eye of the storm) in the midst of all of this stuck energy. To be then offered a description I could not see, realize or understand from my vantage point of single mom, EMT, boss, driver, etc. As he took down notes, timelines, situations, the details of the last several years, explaining how my son is stuck in a form of depression, not knowing how to process the life he has experienced from his dad’s abrupt disappearance.
I left the talk feeling guilty, a fink, lost in my ramblings here, until my best friend called, we talked through it, compared the feelings, situations, inputs, expectations and backgrounds of the few still firmly rooted problems, now being examined in a different light of new direction. Feeling like I have come out of the closet… to be joined by those who also may have been feeling misplaced, odd, not fitting in, yet deeply knowing there is a huge part of us that is so deserving of all of God’s love. Who created us in his image of purity, perfection, and grace, that we are slowly uncovering past the truths of others opinions, ideas and beliefs. To find we fully deserve all the love we are opening up to receive because we are truly wonderful and important…just like we are!