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How Does One Explain…

The stuff I hear, feel and sense before and as it happens. As I have been chasing, scaring, and startling people for years… with the words that just pop out of my mouth of exactly what another is thinking, desiring or experiencing. Being able to answer a question that hasn’t been asked or replying to an email almost seconds after it has been sent. Tuning in so vividly to another as to pick up the phone when they call, return a text, give the next answer in a game, almost a whirling dervish as I seem to appear out of the ether’s  with the appropriate item, or reply. Wandering up to diagnose an animal, before someone even knew or asked what’s wrong as they looked strangely at me with my forth coming answer, and then they would quickly walk away looking at me crazily. To then come back days, weeks even months later, asking “how did you know?”

Struggling to fit in, to make some sense out of what I thought anyone could do. Slowly withdrawing further and further into my personal lair of safety, as the criticism caused me to find solace in my solitude with the animals. Till the curtain dropped again and again and then again, forcing me to either quit completely and buy into what the world was selling of how I should be… but the ringing sounds and sensations wouldn’t give way to the medication and prescribed treatment from examinations by those so book learn-ed as the male doctor who told me about my giving birth…

His description was textbook perfect; I was not due for another month. He had plans for the weekend, he would see me the next Monday and then we would talk. I told him he would miss it, for I “knew” my son would be born that Saturday. I was right, I was tapped in to life in a way I am now still learning is okay as I find my way back to what use to annoy others, yet it was the way I experienced each and every moment.

The “curse” of telling others what they prescribed was not the truth, at least not for me. This came home so solidly when I gave up on medicine and went to the horses to help heal me, after I struggled with medication and exercises that I was told “yes” the side effects might make me sicker before I was better, but it was necessary. Thanks, but no thanks… I chose instead the hour and a half decision to walk 80 ft, saddle my horse, leaning on and using him to get to the round pen, to then maneuver my way to throw myself up and off the other side. The whole while my horse stood there patiently waiting, as I finally struggled aboard and asked him to help show me what I needed to do.

To go from crippled with vertigo, barely mobile, half of my face paralyzed unresponsive… to first riding 3 horses in three weeks, to 5 or more horses daily with two to three lesson a day, each day feeling and looking better, more comfortable, more confident, healthier, physically, mentally and spiritually. To now almost 6 years later, amazed by what I have unlearned, re-thought and re-discovered I actually really did know all along, I just hid it away or disowned it in my attempt to not be so weird, different, and strange.

Funny how far we can try to run away, not realizing we are carrying ourselves with us no matter where we go. I appreciate everything I have been through. That I had to get to the middle of the tangle of my life to find a new, better, way to the truth of what beats at the heart of me.

Since this last weekend the awareness and sensing has gotten stronger, easier to tap into… there is only just a little uneasiness left. Which as I write these words I find I am still judging me, as I watch each word in each sentence appear… I am just not stopping, editing or changing, as I let myself flow out onto the page. I am alive, I am worthy, I matter to myself so much more than the noise of the world use to be able to talk me out of. I am here; I am unique, different, real and so connecting to all of the hidden closed off parts of me so long denied. I R Friske, I R Fantastic, I R am becoming more and more truly alive every day, as I find the truth for me in every moment, by feeling for how good it feels to be honestly me. I needed to learn to honor my feelings for me… FIRST!

Knowing, Rudy, Michael, Life…

I stopped myself this evening from reading any of my other emails after reading the blog of “Astrology Mon Ami” on Word Press as I felt the feelings come together to help me to finish sorting through this last week of truly feeling and knowing things are about to happen. Though this is helpful because it allows me to prepare for the events that then follow… It is a whole lot to wrap my mind around, and be fully okay with.

Last Sunday I felt the urge to go see a long standing cowboy friend of mine, to show him my new truck and just have a general friendly talk. As I pulled into his place I found it rather quiet, not like the usual quiet that occurs when one visits and the owner is absent. This was more of a blanket of calm, awaiting silence before the next page is turned. Feeling myself destined for another time for this meeting, I drove on back home, to find images of him frequenting my mind. With such urgings I went to call him and discovered when my phone had updated the other day… his number had been lost.

Not one to easily be thwarted when there were such internal urgings. I chose to go on Facebook and connect with him there, where when I went on line a mutual acquaintance connected with me about there was being a benefit for this cowboy who was now in the hospital. When I asked what was up, she gave me the news, he had been having problems and they were running tests that he needed prayers and which hospital he was in. So by Wednesday night I made plans to go the following evening to see him, going to bed that night with my next day fully planned out how to get done with my stuff early with plenty of time to visit with him.

Thursday morning found me deep in a dream where I was visiting him and he was telling me how well I was doing as a trainer, coach and teacher. Plus what a great ability I had in healing that I needed to be more confident about. I woke up feeling really positive about the dream and our visit later that day. Went to work, all things just flowing together, everyone on time, ease of traffic, checked my bus back in and hurried home to get my chores and horses tended to. When to my shock the phone rang and a friend was calling to tell me the cowboy had passed away earlier that morning…

I sat with the remembrance of his last visit, the dream and the reality of now. There was no sadness, I knew him well enough to know he truly loved living life. He would be the type to go quickly, get on with whatever the next thing would be. Just the rest of the day I kept feeling his energy as I would ask for things with whatever horse I was on and felt this encouraging sense of what would make it better or easier. Then the getting in touch with those I knew who would appreciate knowing when and where the services were.

To then find my newest filly in training limping, holding her leg yesterday morning, which found me wrapping it with magnets and turning her into a bigger pen so she could have more space to move about since standing still was causing it to swell and movement is life. As I came home last night to check on her, I find my old dog has done something to his back paw. I get him to sit down while I investigate it and find the last outside pad hot and tender to the touch, with him nudging my inquiring hand away. In finding nothing bleeding, no definite sight of an intrusive injury, I set up his heat lamp, fix him up comfortable, feed all the critters and go to bed.

To wake up this morning to a cool, soft gray, comfortable foggy morning, and as I walk out to feed, my old dog is now dragging that same paw. I hurry up and check him, then quickly feed the horses and the dogs. With him just sitting there waiting on me with these really sad, tired eyes. So I sit, I talk to him, I have this long, loving reassuring (to me and to him) conversation of how great our almost 10 years have been. How awesome a coyote defender he has been and what a wonderful job of being my best friend and guardian he has done. If it is his time to go, I understand, if not help me to know what to do next. He lays there for a while, big soft eyes searching mine, then he sighs, gets up, moves over, turns around, lays down and sighs again like all of this is just so much more than he can help with.

I leave him to go get my coffee, breakfast and periodically check on him, to find he has moved around several times. Once to lay looking out at the pens, then in the direction of the other dogs and the last time I look out he is laying on his big old paws looking at the house. I ask my youngest as he walks out the door to go check on him, as I don’t see him even wiggle an ear when the door opens. Even before he touches him I know, Michael is gone…

Wow, in a week, all these sensing, knowing, advance information. Two longtime friends, both massively in love with living life to the fullest, neither one the type to slow, down and just wait to get old. I get it. I know life is about living, it is about moving forward, loving with all we have and that means enough to let them go… however, wherever and whenever they choose. I appreciate my ability to sense things, really I do, I am just so very aware of all that I have learned about how I can choose at each moment to love what is going on and understand it… because even in death it is what is…LIFE!

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