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The Real Rules of Life…

Had to be discovered, uncovered, ruminated on, put down, picked up, knocked around, screwed with, listened to and cried about. Finding me in a search for the answer that has been perplexing me in the simplicity of knowing it was right in front of me, yet totally impossible to see as I continued to beat myself up in any and every way I possibly could find. For no other reason than the most important facts of all: stubborn, bull-headed, determined, non-quitter of anything I put my mind to… I can do somehow, some way, even if it takes years.

I so love myself for being so sure that I would find the answer, even as I commenced the game at the same level, for the umpteenth time in a row.,playing till I completely numbed myself to any feelings at all for success with the game, just so deeply involved with the frustrated tortured sensation in my gut, that spread to my shoulder, to finally find me feeling the uncomfortable sensation in my feet of being stuck in deep, painful, sucking mud. With a demand from the bus yard to attend a last minute meeting with less than 24 hours warning.

Thus stirring the cauldron of all ready seething frustration, and being told when I came in from my morning run… all would be shuttled over “together” in a bus, which meant more of my valuable time to be then tied up riding back when I was just minutes away from home with a client possibly sitting waiting should the meeting run to long.

I picked up the phone, called, explained my position to my boss to be granted permission to drive solo. Sat through the meeting of changes to be implemented next year feeling the growing irritation over my being stifled to move, flow and change at my own speed. The minute it was over I was out the door, drove home to find my house of 24 hours earlier of cleanliness and order… door opened, all the lights on, the computer blaring and only a portion of my youngest son’s chores done.

You got to be kidding… I was so mad, so angry, so seriously hurting everywhere, as I cleaned and organized my horses hay, water and feed. Re-digging the drainage line from the round pen to allow it to finish drying out from the much needed rain, and I felt this tugging at my soul, as I crumbled into a bawling mess begging the Universe/God to Help, Help, Help me!!!

The phone rang and I proceeded to be allowed to vent, rage, talk myself sane with my finest friend as we sifted and sorted through the feelings of such stuckedness we have both been struggling with back and forth these last few weeks. When she uttered the word salvation or surrender… something to do with all of our conversations about religious upbringing, when I felt the word “punishment” roll off of my tongue to cause this immense relief flood through me, as the full answer began to shape itself in my mind with all of the clues from the numerous conversations of the last month or so.

She had just reached her destination and would call me back later to share whatever the other came up with. I found myself in the need for a space of reflection as I pulled up my choice of meditation, took a deep breath and allowed myself to let it all go. Watching in fascination as my mind began to sort and sift the understandings that had so been puzzling me about my attention to detail, my ability to create immediately for others, my ability to feel what others need before they ask. The ability to read people and animals, to connect and communicate with everything and anything for anybody else but me because I follow the rules so well, just beat myself up and sabotage stuff for myself.

I felt the suggestion about “question everything” go drifting across my mind and the realization of all I do to myself when things go wrong suddenly made wonderful sense… I have trained myself to follow the rules, the law, and the statements of others as being factual, set in stone. Just because someone else “said so”. I have repeatedly punished myself for others beliefs having more rights than me.

Suddenly aware of all the times I have broken others rules or laws to come out handsomely, only to berate myself of the unfairness “it might cause” someone if they find out. If I was late, found money, discovered a different answer, or way to do things or any other millions of things I do that are different than was required… yet usually made a better, faster, easier solution. Just seemed to always make someone else feel bad or unhappy because of whatever reason would make them feel right.

I now realize I can make whatever laws or rules I need. There really aren’t any rules that truly apply to me except my own. I have rights, left overs, yes’s and no’s that apply to me…by me only. I can stop punishing myself for this feeling of not enoughness because I know that God is love. Complete unconditional, no rules, no absolutes, everyone is right, everyone is okay, all things are created and covered by the rule of connection. Everything fits and works somewhere, for someone, at some time, and it’s all okay.

The pains just melted, the frustration fizzled. The fear of being found out of doing it anyway that works for me…It’s all good. It all makes sense. We are all in this together because we and everything is made in God’s perfect image. This changing, adapting, improvising, and becoming, makes up our world. All the differences give us color, variety, change, creation, diversity and an assortment to choose from. I choose to love every part of me, anyone, and anything, it’s messy, dirty, clean, varied and it is life. Long live the freedom to choose… my own whatever, whenever, however, or why-ever!

Tiredness…Who’d Have Thought???

The last few days have been a delving into bouts of extreme tiredness, giving me a chance to look around and see what might be the cause of this occasional body awareness. Which at one time I just assumed came from being worn out from whatever was going on in my life. But in this learning to be more aware of having the choice of what I observe as to what kind of time I am having, I chose to pay more attention to what the probable cause might truly be. Remembering to take in as many clues as I could during the first sign of fatigue, all the way up until the yawning gave way to a much needed nap. To be amazed at what I uncovered when today’s morning was almost exactly like yesterday’s, minus several small, particularly energy sapping situations.

Yesterday included my bus route, both am and pm. My son getting up, assisting with chores, eating breakfast and then asking for extra money with a five minute pleading session, followed by a yawn. Came home, to set up for the day of riding with equipment, watering, and my usual rotation of animals to ride. As my morning client arrived and started pitching in to get things rolling with the usual catching up with another over the few days between lessons. I addressing the progress with the two horses with feet issues, how the changes have allowed each horse to move easier. How much fun the weekend clients had been in teaching students so thoroughly interested in each answer I gave to their inquiring, curious minds.

Which as the information was exchanged, I felt this tug at my gut as the conversation suddenly turned to the chaotic evening now being explained to me. My entire body had this sensation of total alert; my mind suddenly found trying to race forward for possible solutions as the story was being told. When I realized my mount was uneasy. So I took a breath, excused myself, gave the story teller the option to get out the next horse to keep my timetable on track, and went out to ride. Once again comfortable, at ease, riding, fascinated by the horse staying so tuned into my every move. Enjoying myself as I played with the ease of his movements mimicking mine, when I spotted the student at odds with their mount as all of the actions between the two were tight, rigid and at odds, as a definite battle of the wills was in plain sight.

I rode over to be of assistance with this out of touch duo, giving suggestions, ideas, reminding to breathe, and relax hoping to break the tension. Finally at the thought of helping both rider and horse, I suggested a change to my mount since he is such an easy well finished horse, and as the student swapped from one animal to the next. My horse of long standing patience, reached out to nip my forearm as if to say enough, don’t, arghhh… I jumped as his lips just grazed the skin, aware of the feeling of tiredness almost overwhelming me. To then find myself querying the rider in my head if they knew how much they were rattling the horse and me, as I began intensely focusing on asking them detailed questions about their breathing, attitude, horse’s body language and to please relax. First the frown on their face, then the tightness of their knuckles, then wrists, arms, all the way through till they were wiggling both toes, freely without stirrups.

To finally see the horse take in deep breaths, as the person realized they were trying too hard. As they began to make progress, I could feel exhaustion sweeping over me. I so desired a break, a massage, a chance to piddle, to step away, to find the peace I had experienced earlier. So aware of the huge wave of frustration and fear over now what, to luckily by then find the duo had found a small connection, several steps taken as a pair, enough so that the rider knew the internal struggle was the cause of their disconnect. I became so aware of how easily I have in the past, learned to react trying to fix another’s story of struggle, and how wonderfully my body has learned to show me that I know longer need to do all of this fixing. It’s not my job!

My body is tired of me not living and taking full care of myself…only. I no longer need to allow conversations of angst, struggle, and disarray to affect me. Other than just being a sounding board to reflect back what they have said if they ask for help. They are just stories. They are just excuses from others to feel needy, incapable, helpless and so ineffective at shining their own light, not figuring out they have the power within themselves to be okay. It’s their choice and it’s always my choice to play or pay, depending upon how far down their tale of desperation I choose to go. Funny thing is today, both story tellers, left to their own solutions, came up with much better results by themselves and I had a great day by just stepping away and allowing them to find their own two feet to stand on.

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