After all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”
My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention. The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.
The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…
You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.
Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.
First responder habit still has dibs on you!
No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.
Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.
Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.
The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.
It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…
Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!
I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.
Wow, a whole week fully engulfed in managing my reality, living my life, empowering others to become their best through their choices to improve their connection with their horses. Has truly found me following, observing, and understanding the messages I have found encoded in my day to day experiences. The likes of which I was truly astounded by the final conclusion from an amazing, unlikely and truly thought provoking incident on Wednesday afternoon, having found myself with a close encounter of the most unexpected breach of my privacy.
I had finished a nap after a truly easy morning of handling, riding, and increasing both the minds and agilities of the two young mares that now grace my pens. One with a finely chiseled, aristocratic Spanish-Barb head, who has taken a liking to stretching, nosing, and finagling her way to extend her limbs to find relief from a sticking point in her shoulders from her previous places of ownership. Having to be asked with slow, well defined definitions of what I am expecting, or else she pushes way to hard to do it all. Much like someone who is a people pleaser at all cost. Hurry, hurry, hurry, be the fasted to get it done right and be rewarded… instead of completion and the comparison to others who are faster, more eloquent, articulate or prettier. Much about her personality shows the change of hands in lieu of dollars for her not quite fitting the niche described as perfection at the ranch of her origin.
She tends to worry, fret, try too hard, in an effort to stay, fit in, and be okay. Originally prone to standing and weaving, staring longingly across the pasture so unsure of this latest change. Though in the month of her presence here with her new owner, as both are flourishing, expanding and learning about each other, the fretting lessens with the two constantly meeting on this common ground of true, easy companionship. To be adjusted still further next week when the chiropractor comes to realign the cause of her stiffness, which I allow her to find the easiest ways to understand and achieve the movements that are slowly reshaping her body, mind and spirit in the way that only true caring can change.
Mare number two is a “big” baby, who has been taking full advantage of the owner who rescued her with feed, caring, and overly concern of doing the right thing. The first two sessions were more of a dodge, parry, feign, send and explanation of “who” is to be the leader. As she constantly tried to put me in my place, and I allowed her to find the folly of pushing me around as I easily out maneuvered and redirected her feet, shoulders, mouth and head until I found the ears questioning me as to “exactly what was it I asked?” Then a softness in the eyes, a deep breath, followed by a yawn of “okay” leadership really is way too much work. To find by day seven, I am mounted, walking, turning, and backing this so much more willing “brat”… who is so loved, just now with borders and instructions, both owner and horse discovering a different world of communication and understanding.
Having rode and handled eight head, cooled off, napped, and had a bite to eat. I stopped to relieve myself, sitting there just kind of lost in thought, when the buzzing of rough wings much like a beetle, caused me to startle and I thought brush off the bug that I heard zoom up close to me. I stood up, checked around for the critter, adjusting my shirt and then my britches to step out of the bathroom and find myself suddenly being attacked right below my belly button. As I quickly stripped my shirt and pants to find this large red wasp stinging me in protest of being caught down there in my clothing. I flung it off, grabbed a clog and thought I had ended its spree of violence, only to have my son have to come in after several unaffective hits to crush it with his boot.
Grabbed an alcohol wipe and a magnet to quickly apply to my tender flesh, trying to figure out what I have been doing to attract such an angry response to my body’s core. The combination of quick thinking easily subdued the biggest pain, leaving me to ponder what was up, knowing I would figure this out or be guided toward the answers I finally put together this morning after dealing with my one male client and youngest son. Both caught me fully unaware of how close I had come to almost falling for their lines of helplessness and hopelessness in their responsibilities for their problems. After being brought to full awareness from the tenderness of my exposed underbelly, where I caught sight of myself bending over backwards to make things all better as I awoke from under this life long spell of “what if they don’t like me!”
I discovered I don’t care, I do my part, I do things better than most because I try, I experiment, I attempt, I put my whole self into creating solutions and how dare I rob them of the ability to be all they can be. Mad as a hornet, I pulled up short, told them both to ship up or pay the consequences; there is no more sneaking over my shoulder and using my answers… Grow up, get over it, go elsewhere or do without.
I heard sputtering, whining (without cheese) begging, pleading, cajoling, all kinds of excuses. Holding my stance like a Marine, fully encompassed in my ability to say “No”, take names, dole out punishment, and carefully document achievements. Then walk away… wait, and see, really observe to completion their owning up to what I had allowed them to almost get away with. Damn, I’m Good! Stings, bruises, naps, and all.
Rather a long week with little or no writing desires to help with the confusion that seemed to come and go in much of this latest spell of sorting through the jumble of thoughts found firmly lodged under my furrowed brow as I attempted to unwind from the odd ledge I found myself perched upon. Looking deftly all around for a hint or sign of how I got off of my path…again. Not far off, just enough for me to look up, look around, and feel for what was actually going on. Knowing I was searching for clues into this puzzle I found I had walked myself into, fully awake and aware, or at least it seemed so at the time.
Stopped and shook myself off late Wednesday night when my newest client, in an attempt to prove his sincerity showed up at 11 pm to pay me in cash and set the record straight of his intentions to honor the contract he had signed. He left, I disappeared back deep into my blankets and pillows to continue my interrupted dreams and wondrous sleep, to awaken the next morning with at least one end of a strand of habit, fully revealed and held firmly in my grasp.
Knowing the feeling of what it was I was looking for, allowed me to breathe. To stop and think, to feel each little previous step, to incrementally piece by piece, play back conversations, feelings, reactions and my awareness to the bait of habit I had/was so easily still succumbing to. I thought of how well the newly gelded, awkwardly moving (now that the overgrown hooves of years of neglect had been trimmed) 8 year old Appaloosa was having in readjusting to this new, changing, and totally different care than he had previously received. As his demeanor of distrust, aloofness, and pain, was being replaced by nickering when the feed and hay came, moving carefully and trying to attempt the slowly increasing times during each session as the rebuilding of his muscles, fetlocks, and hooves began the road back to recovery.
The first few minutes of each session seems to draw from me so much strength of certainty that this is all part of the process. Especially to be rewarded as he limbers up and starts to soften, stretch and at times move quicker of his own violation as he feels the increase of ease of mobility. His deep sighs when we’re through, after his stubbornness of not wanting to begin each session. Teaching me that patience with myself in making any decisions is still movement forward. For much like when I am helping him by paying close attention to his body’s response, I can tell when, how much, or what is the right way to proceed next.
So I began to match my untangling of the current puzzle to how much progress “Lil Brother” was making in each session. Fascinated as I took the pressure off of myself, only dug or looked if it was easy, enjoyable, and made sense. Any confusion, pain, or frustration, meant stop, wait, and allow the answer to show itself. Enjoying the relief I found in certainty, clarity, and plain dogged determination that not only would I figure this out, but decided that the solution meant more to me than this temporary week of pause, what now, go within, and much more like hibernation or a cocoon of transformation.
Finding myself this evening with all of the threads of a series of tangles, firmly grasped, sorted, unwound, and re-weaved into the perfect place of understanding and triumph. I have been succumbing to the storyline: “Oh my God”, “the sky is falling”, “look the boogey man”, “eating watermelon seeds will make them sprout out your ears” … The long litany of tales that though they grab my attention, turn my head, cause my “Rescue ranger itis” to rev up full speed ahead.
I cannot fish enough to feed everyone who comes to my place for one meal much less their entire life. I do more when I teach them how to fish for themselves, anywhere, any time. I need to slow down, really feel as I listen to the stories presented to me in each moment. Decide what feels good, real, comfortable and easy for me. Know that I honor another more, when I see them as capable, talented, and intelligent enough to help them find their ability within themselves to be the wonderful aspiring creative being in love with all of themselves. Help another to see themselves as capable of putting their best foot forward.
I have discovered in allowing myself to be drawn into the dramas, stories of hopeless plight, stuckedness and woe is me. I become stuck with another in the problem. Whereas if I see them as capable, aware, and magnificent creators, I help them to find their own solutions, teach them to fish, feed themselves, hopefully inspire them to teach others. I love understanding, sharing, coaching, teaching, and being my best self!