First time in a very long while that the desire to write actually brought me to stop, sit down and just let my fingers follow the awareness’s found today.
This morning found me busy, doing all the things so that everything was in place, and ready for my two Sunday lessons. Round pen watered, horses fed and hayed, all equipment out, available and in place, with a last minute check to see if anything else needed to be done, so that things were just right.
Two hours later, found my students happy, successful, sweaty and glowing with their personal accomplishments. And me in the conflict after scheduling the next set of lessons, even earlier in the morning to avoid as much of the Texas heat as possible.
I was soaked in sweat, hair, shirt, most of my jeans, but at least my socks and shoes were dry and though heavy easy to slip off as I walked back into the welcoming cool of the house. After tending to the washed and watered off lesson horse, to send him and the other two loose for the rest of this Sunday. Aware of the feeling of my every thought, the heat, taking care of all others first, the reality of how great my place looked in perfect order.
Yet I could feel something was off. Aware of the tiredness from last night’s closing shift at 11, in bed by 12 to the early alarm at 7. All of this calculating, planning and double checking… felt off. I got myself some more water, started up a solitaire game, turned on some Abraham Hick’s, to feel the words soaking through my last few weeks of house cleaning to get to the bottom of this peculiar off feeling, permeating my skin at every move.
My eyes became heavy, as my entire body demanded rest, I flipped on a meditation and allowed it to take me away. Awakening to this feeling of recognition of an answer… to find the upside down heart my meditation afghan had formed, tossed off in my body’s desire for super cooling down. The answer ringing in my ears, as I replayed, then wrote out the entire end of the Abraham from earlier to truly let the words sink in, of my “chronic thoughts, that I’m thinking on a really regular basis, that fly in the face of who I really am and what I really know and it’s thoughts like the source within me knows that I am destined to fantastic success and than I am taking score of where I am and doubt that from time to time the source within me knows that there is no competitions. As I sometimes see others in what they are doing as competition and I feel that discomfort in that the source within me knows that what I think I want is still going to expand still further. In other words I haven’t even begun to tap the resources that are flowing to me…”
All of this belief in competition, my opinion of any other, what they are doing, wearing, breathing, speaking trying, becoming or thinking of me. Is not any of my business. It takes me away from feeling good! Away from being enough, better, or worse. It’s a habit of thought brought on by years of buying into “everyone elses opinion” of me matters, so that must mean I must either live up to their expectations or they must live up to mind. How crazy my life has been by believing in standards, trying to fit in, stand out, not fit in or even be seen.
When I felt the satisfaction of remembrance of each and every time I have ever created anything. Always caused, by an impulse, inspiration, awareness, or sudden idea that just “Felt Good” and I followed it. Not caring, not planning, just living fully, completely, in the moment. Reveling in my ability to connect to Source within me. With it’s Guiding, leading, dancing, co-creating the perfect solution for whatever had just caught my attention. To now be viewed in an entirely new way.
I’m back to being just me, doing living by finding and doing everything that feels good! 100 percent just playing and reveling with my fine tuning to be more and more me each and every moment of every day! Everyone else is off the hook to just be who they be!
After all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”
My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention. The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.
The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…
You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.
Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.
First responder habit still has dibs on you!
No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.
Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.
Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.
The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.
It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…
Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!
I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.
Awareness is the key to change. Though actually in my process of discovering what it is I need to change, I have found I can be aware of the things on the surface, and never once have touched the undertow actually running my life. Amazed at discovering there is this place inside where when one is persistently, intently focused on what appears to be happening right in front of them, outside of their control, while an entire slew of subtle old beliefs are actually controlling the current.
The beliefs of who “Am I” usually start with an entire litany of others description of me, as they see, desire or need me to be. Which in the living of my life I have done an incredible job of fitting into just fine, by doing all the steps necessary to make others wishes come true. Yet now, no where in this incredible state of doing so much for so many have I found the entirety of me.
Earlier today I went into meditation with the desire to know what is the core belief that ties all of this stuck-ed resistance together for me to not find myself in either the “glorious picture of success” presented by advertising or the “famous rescuer of the world” from the shamed and blasphemed sensationalism depicted in the news.
Before me danced the many dictates of beliefs I have encountered in the past with each one saying “pick me, look here, notice me”, nodding at their availability, I continued down the rows of my life’s steps, stopping to look, pick up, uncover and examine each in turn. Slowly feeling for the emotion attached or represented by each one.
Noticing something odd, just a little off, barely tangible, almost out of sorts… A single out of place thread, just a wisp poking out of the side, off to the edge, barely visible on some, in plain sight on others, yet it continually looped back and forth between all of the aisles of my life.
As I looked back I discovered there was not one single evident belief that it did not run through.
Interestingly it was the most simple shade of gray. Not flashy, not pretty, not ugly… just there. Small, slim, fine like a spider’s silk, yet resiliently stretching over years and years of the past.
I stopped, walked back, picked it up, truly examining it to see what truth it had for me.
It was alone. It had no others. There was just the one tiny, slim thread. So fine as to seem to be just a tiny thought, buried here, yet in plain sight. Waiting to be found, to be gathered and re-weaved, successfully into my awareness. The biggest change I needed to find, see and realize. My Aloneness!
I alone can change my life. There is no waiting. No blaming. No loss… other than not choosing my taking and owning my own power. The responsibility to own everything I have ever done as the perfect steps to lead me to now.
I have been steadily, slowly, constantly learning, deciding and choosing whether it is to say no or yes to any situation. Because nothing is ever truly wrong, to be judged or challenged. It’s just not right for me. I, Alone, own the choice. I, Alone choose to be more, less or do nothing. But I so Gloriously “ALONE” get to choose. For there is no one else inside who causes me to feel or think. JUST AWESOMELY ME! I am my connection to it all. Every day a little bit more, every moment I choose to be the best me… YET!
Woke up with an aching feeling in one of my bottom teeth, the kind that for me usually signals something stuck that is aching to be relieved from in between the slight space found between teeth. I wandered toward the bathroom pausing momentarily as I saw the light on in my office. Which around here at 7:30 in the morning, definitely means someone (my youngest son) is up on my computer, so I stuck my head in and asked if he had done all of the morning chores. Per our agreement for computer use this early in the morning without asking and waking me. He stated yes, and that he would make me a glass of instant breakfast to clinch the deal, since it was his responsibility today to take care of fixing something for us to eat.
I declined saying I would rather go get a real breakfast down at the café. He said that he would find something here so he could utilize as much computer time as possible before my return. Finally getting to the mirror in the bathroom to view the tooth in question, noting to the side of it a sore from me catching my gum with a toothpick last night. I then brushed my teeth, talking to the one in pain, asking it what was going on that I had somehow missed… No answer, so I proceeded to shower, dress, fix my makeup and hair as I then visualized my morning’s journey whilst quickly throwing a load in the washer and after moving last night’s load to the dryer. Noting the tennis shoes I was throwing in would look so much better with new white laces to be acquired at the dollar store next to the café and off I went.
One stop shopping at its finest, to walk in right up to the needed item, no waiting as the cashier met me when I came up with my purchase, rung it up and as I was digging for the change, pulled the few cents needed from the penny donation container on the counter to return dollars instead of change. Headed into the café, found a lighted booth facing the door, ordered, pulled out to read my latest Kindle book as I enjoyed their really good breakfast offering. All the while aware of this niggling pain and what it was trying to convey to me. With no answer easily forth coming, I proceeded to the convenience store for teas and dessert for both him and me later in the day and to then head home.
Walked into a disarray in the living room of all of his stuff, thrown here and there, definite shoe marks from the barn to his room, and then met by a very pushy 14 year old, who attempted to grab his dessert to just wolf down. I corrected his intent by pointing at the floor, the mess now found in the kitchen and questioning if all chores had been completed, because until I had checked…he would be getting nothing.
Wandered back into the office to go through my email after I had finished another rotation of wash, all the while aware of my tooth suddenly aching louder just as he came back in with the dessert being devoured, stating his chores were accomplished. As I was going through my email I could feel the muscle in the back of my neck and the top of my shoulder all trying to add to the symphony of aches now coming in chorus from various parts of my body, when I caught myself looking for another email to defend myself from my disinterest in the current male.
I could feel this dawning of awareness between the aches, and the guilty/rude behavior I have been witnessing, acknowledging, and sugar coating my answers for in an attempt to make telling another No, okay. All of a sudden this desire for my ritual Sunday nap after a week of 5:30 risings, 5 horses and 2 or 3 lessons a day, hustling a 14 year old boy and then being “Nice” to a man when my senses had already alerted me to “he’s not it”. What in the world I have been thinking/drinking/smoking!!! I put on a meditation tape, noting as I started to doze, my son’s sneaking back in to play on the computer, but my body was in need and I was taking care of me, “First”.
I awoke knowing the tooth ache and mouth sore were symptoms of me “biting back words” being nice, accommodating, kind… seeing another as unable to take the truth, them not being able or willing to do something different, they’re not being able to be okay with my choices for me… Damn, I am still doing it, but at least I am catching myself sooner. I am becoming more aware of my still reacting first, then feeling if it is right for me or not, I can feel my body softening, relaxing, allowing me to feel good even now as I am writing all of this out.
I do believe my current challenge is to becoming a perfect, friend, lover, confidant, partner, trainer, and coach to my wonderfully tolerant loving body… the temple of my knowing, feeling, spiritual, aware, sensing soul. I am going to learn how to successfully really hear whatever it is trying to tell me as I become a true team player. Remembering there is no I in TEAM!