Seems these last few months of looking at me has been a truly eye opening experience. Wrought with many of the dangers of really seeing my full self, from what I view in the mirror at different times of the day. The words that actually come out of my mouth any time during a day and the various emotions used or behind those words. This taken to even further awareness with this full sought desire to have a different life and my willingness to do whatever it would take to have the life I know is available to me. When I took the even bigger plunge of actually listening in on and hearing all of the pre-played conversations that I habitually was constructing the moment I noticed anything not being to my likings.
Suddenly, amazingly, truly aware of I am the creator of everything that is going on around me. Though for years I kept pushing off responsibility of it as happening to me, until that all came to a screeching halt right in my face the first time I deliberately practiced a new conversation with the next victim/person to grace my presence. No turning around and pushing it off on anyone else once the tiniest self-observation of caused deliberated change took place.
Not exactly a high five moment, even though it felt so good to have a different positive pre-concieved conscious outcome. There was then that vast realization that “I could change my life that fast” but there was so much to sort out. So many things I desired. Such a big mess to undo, all the while my mind suddenly tearing off in a new direction of panic, lists, descriptions, ideas and places to go to accomplish what seemed like an enormous chore.
I went to studying, watching, practicing, planning and then beating myself up for not getting it right in whatever time frame I allotted for myself to succeed with any new process. Thus crippling my every step out of the rut of habit I had so dug myself into.
There is nothing that puts one on the road to failure more than persecuting one’s self with a pre-planned time line. I got out the books, I downloaded the tapes, meditations, speakers and I worked on myself. I was going to master this. I was putting my understanding of what it would take to accomplish this now monumental task of being free of the old me. To live in a world of ??? what I understood of love, abundance, and success was.
Pushing myself toward this new goal because I knew my life could be different, better, more alive. So I worked at it, memorized, struggled, dug up all of the old memories, to release and make peace with myself and all associated with the events in my life.
Finding myself pulled up short anytime I shared with someone else. For if there was the slightest doubt, dislike or hint of disapproval… I would dig at myself more. Read, meditate, work, work, work at me in such a need to be free of this monkey on my back that was so close and yet so hard to reach and get a handle on.
Yesterday found me on my day off playing a game with a book open, and the same book being narrated on YouTube. While I let the words filter all around me, until something would catch my imagination, for me to pause the recording, match the words to the page in the book and then write down the phrase to fit me to use as an affirmation. All of this lasting until late last night when I felt this sense of recognition in some deeper part wash over me as I moved the speakers to face my room. I turned up the volume on the computer, turn off the monitor, as I settled into bed allowing the last few paragraphs to lull me off to sleep.
To be awakened at 4:30 with my first thought being of my shoulder not aching and my having slept almost the whole night through without pain. So I rolled over and tested it, as I had heard my inner thoughts send my shoulder love for allowing me to learn from all of the burdens I have been carrying over what I have understood about life, love, success and the other 100 words or so that have been under my scrutiny in the last 6 months or so of self-discovery. To discover it pain free…now that I listened.
Suddenly realizing this whole journey has been to uncover and find the true meaning, use and understanding of words that I grew up with, I have been teaching, sharing, living with by what I thought they meant or symbolized. The love I knew that had to be earned with clean rooms, clean bodies, chores done, things taken care of, proper behavior or dress … a total attachment to something, some ideal, or someone.
I have never truly lived the loving something enough to set it free, to be, without control over it… Allowing the Universe to constantly replenish with more and better than before, for in my understanding of once it is gone, it is over. The sudden awareness of the deaths of animals, humans, and situations all around me allowing me to suddenly see what I have been missing of just loving, touching, communicating because every moment connects to the next. If I am holding onto yesterday, there is no way to enjoy and relish today. Love is a realization of the moment, each breath, and the changes occurred in expansion to know and experience more… for if we don’t let go, we stagnate and are trapped, in a confined space, nothing coming in or going out. In breathing we must let the old air out to allow the new air in. Love and life are an awareness of each change…It’s all good when we let go of yesterday’s mistakes to become what our imagination shows to us is possible, in each dream that connects us to our inner selves which guides us when we let it.
They do not limit themselves to just what is around their ant mound. There is always a few of them out scouting for food. They consume anything that their senses lead them to. There is no thought of we have to just eat grain or bugs, and we have to stay in our area. When they become aware of anything that sets their sensory perceptions to alert mode, and it’s edible, they are on it.
No matter the distance, height, breadth, type of terrain, or obstacles in between. The next thing one notices is a stream of their little bodies, across the ground, on inclines, and around corners as each ant becomes a link in taking all of the discovered treasure of food, back to their mound, one step, one ant, one piece at a time. The new find is broken down into smaller, more maneuverable parts, until every single scrap is accounted for back at their home base.
This day finding me engrossed in several different busy species of ants scurrying about right before the long awaited rain finally made its appearance this afternoon. Fascinated with how easily they find their way with just the tiniest indication from source to the abundance provided for them to live. As I watched the trail of fire ants up the slab, across the floor, up the plastic trash can, over the piece of string not pushed all the way in. Onto the edge of the lid, the other end was touching, and into the bowl of cat food sitting on top for the few pieces of food left from earlier this morning’s feeding.
For the last several days I have espied them in the house. Coming in at where would seem the tiniest cracks. To have a trail sometimes as long as twenty feet inside the house just for the one or two scraps of food my youngest tends to push under something instead of picking it up. Finding in my years of observation of even these tiny creatures I can tell what the weather is about to do. They start this huge in the house invasion when it is extremely dry, usually right before rain is imminent and about to come in large amounts. Both of those two requirements fulfilled today as I was in the house sorting the amazing insight I had received over so many things we ask for, are right underneath our noses.
Sometimes sitting in plain sight is every bit of abundance we seek; we have just closed ourselves off to it from the rules, opinions or ideas of others. Who tell us no, not now, not possible, it can’t be done, or you need permission to see or be that way. Read the rule book, memorize all your told, march this way, fill out the paper work, wait till your told, watch as another tells you what to think and when. All after my morning of discovery of mistakenly not checking in and asking others first, to then be caught up in the old guilt of this does not fit into anybody else’s plans for what I should be doing for them.
I got inspired; there was this title that came to me, a story which just flowed out onto the pages. I wrote, I followed my dream, trusted my gut, finished, made the cover, and published my second book. I just forgot to ask permission, to check the calendar, find out if this was okay with anyone else’s ideas of me for them. The sudden unexpected guilt lingering till I got to ride my last two horses, amazed at how much information about myself and how different life is when one lives in the moment like animals do.
The simplicity to follow an urge, check in with the senses, pay attention to right now, without a long to do’s list. Hungry, eat, need exercise, move, and have an itch scratch it. Scurry off track, feel an impulse, follow it to find something of interest, to then bring the word of the new discovery, or possibility to the group, where they all pitch in to celebrate and share.
I watched Freckles today as I once again; kept finding smaller and smaller steps to get through our remaining communication differences. Still in fascination of how taking the time to pay attention to what I sense and feel, is causing him to change, to look, and to be with me. This once wildly terrified animal now learning to trust that I am listening to him. I am watching, feeling for every little try of understanding. Always aware that if I try to think or put him on a time table, I will set us both back in our learning to cooperate and work together.
Proof positive when I went out to take pictures after the rain and the horses wandered up to see what I was doing. Where in the past Freckles would have stayed in the back, out of reach behind the other horses. I not only got to scratch him as he stood there, but had to shoe him back as I was trying to take his picture with his nose angled up trying to figure out the camera in my hand, now just as curious as the rest of my small herd. The joy is in each moment. We are provided for, when we trust, believe and know we are always guided to what is best for us. I am still allowing myself to learn to observe, feel and find what is best for me… I matter!
And the link to my newest book:
These last few weeks have found me deep in thought as I have been working through the seeming complexities of my son’s horse Freckles, writing and publishing my first book on line. All of these things are so amazingly similar and easy to understand as I now find myself on the other side of the one of the biggest puzzles of life. As I remember the wonderful, soft, attentive ride from a little while ago on a horse that I have done everything I could think of or was suggested that sounded right to me from others, with some small steady inroads into his behavior. Just never enough to get him to be safe for me much less anyone else because of his extreme responsive and explosive reactions to any and all stimuli, so deeply ingrained into almost every moment of existence.
Two days ago I woke up from an interesting dream about zombies, after watching one of the ads I saw on FB about some child asking their mom if whatever the product was would work on zombies. Finding myself while in the dream aware of these for rent horses at some stable and how much they act like zombies. By just going through the motions unless something truly gets their attention in a startling way where they tend to react to get away far enough to look at what woke them from their absentminded sleep of following the horse in front of them.
Puzzled at what my inner voice was trying to communicate to me. I found myself in a deeper place of awareness with any and all moves I or any of the horses made toward each other. To suddenly find myself watching how intently Freckles was trained on my every movement. He was literally locked into a trance of habitually reacting with even the slightest stiff, hesitant movement of my body when I stepped into his zombie zone. A place characterized by habitual without thought response to an ongoing situation one deal’s with in their lives with the defeated expectation of the same reaction they have always gotten before.
I touched, I watched, I made my actions smaller, I breathed as I watched his eye come unfrozen, then he would retreat back deep inside as his eye darted back away from the impending doom. I was so fascinated that a memory from over seven years ago with all of the time I have spent with him, could still be so deeply controlling so many of his reactions. His sense of loss of comfort and safety when even loosely tied was still traumatizing him.
I spent well over two hours slowly, carefully, untangling all of the cross wiring I had excess to, as I became aware of my total effort of watching, breathing, shifting, and rewarding without taking my concentration off of him, right here and right now. To find a much softer horse who after much yawning reached over, licking my hand, and actually touching me first.
I then unsaddled him, washed him off and turned him loose. Fully determined to finish the steps in self-publishing my first book “Finding the Feel” Tales of Learning How to Communicate with Horses at Smashwords.com where I had to pay attention to every little step, every little detail so that it was done right the first time, where then I could relax, take a break and celebrate my success of putting all the pieces together of something I have been intending to do for quite some time. All the while, even as I was learning the new steps to becoming a published writer, the little horse and his determined survival mode kept lingering in the back of my mind.
To then find myself last night after reading my book that I had also uploaded to Amazon with some typo’s and possible sentence changes that would make it easier for the reader to understand and utilize. I went to Smashwords followed the instructions, re-did the changes and within an hour or so had my book re-submitted and in the cue. As I then went to Amazon to accomplish the same task, where I found a whole series of computer technology and directions I just did not understand or could implicate. Finding me at 1 pm tired, a little frustrated, but determined I could figure this out. I could get this accomplished. It could not be that hard I thought to myself as I dozed off.
Discovering no answers as I awoke, fed, showered and headed out for my first important lesson of the day, where as the conversation between her and me flowed, I became aware of how important the differences between learning, understanding, watching, doing and feeling are, and why so much of what any of us do is in a more zombie mode. So much of what we do is because we are expected or told that is the only way it can or should be done. Kind of mindlessly going through the motions, finding minutes, hours, and even days have gone past without us fully aware much less alive going forward as we get caught up in the stories of the others all around us instead of creating each moment anew.
Like little kids do being fascinated with every little thing when they find it and bring it to us for us to observe and find their excitement and wonder to draw us in to really see a butterfly, flower or even a little bug in a totally new way.
Watching is observation as when it attracts, excites or truly holds our interest…nothing can easily distract us from it because we are so deep in fascination or amazement of watching something being done or doing something that feels too good to do anything but thoroughly enjoy it.
Learning is repeating till we get the move, the idea, or the belief firmly established as a non-thought reaction or response.
Understanding is the ability to be comfortable with explaining, teaching, demonstrating or doing it.
Feeling is the sensory reaction to stimuli by any of our main five senses: Taste, touch, hearing, seeing, or smelling.
My learning and new understanding in helping Freckles and myself out, is how much of both of our lives have been controlled by our innate habitual reaction to any uncomfortable stimulus. Caused by being convinced by others to having no faith or trust in ourselves. No thought or idea of maybe there is another way to do something than the way all of these people are telling or trying to make us believe is the way for us.
We are zombies: per Wikipedia “A zombie (Haitian Creole: zonbi; North Mbundu: nzumbe) is an animated corpse raised by magical means, such as witchcraft. The term is often figuratively applied to describe a hypnotized person bereft of consciousness and self-awareness, yet ambulant and able to respond to surrounding stimuli.
We have stopped living consciously and fully aware in each moment. We allow people, animals and things to come, barge, run, call, email or advertise us in to a state of discomfort to get us off-track of our own inner guidance, to follow along with their train of thoughts.
When it dawned on me as I was asking for Freckles nose this morning as I first touched the rope before loosening it… I watched his every movement, as aware of him as he was of me. I felt for his recognizing I was fully present, now, with him, he breathed, I breathed, and for the next 20 minutes I was fully engaged, fully aware, fully alive. No tomorrow, no stuff from yesterday or even a few minutes ago. Meeting myself and him on the totally new ground of NOW, the present, a gift each one of us can give to ourselves each and every moment of the day!
I’ve been resisting writing the last few days, even though I know I have uncovered a lot of stuff and turned it all into rich, soft, fertile ground to plant all of my now renewed, re-discovered and truly life changing hopes and dreams. Many of them from years and years back, some relating all the way back to my childhood where all I could ever imagine or think about was spending time near horses, around horses or on horses. Making equipment, blankets, bridles, reins and halters out of every scrap of lacing, leather or material I had access to.
Begging, pleading, bartering or chattering to any and all that would listen. Getting into this much misaligned habit of sharing by having to play with others in the games, manners and ways that made them happy, as I hopefully waited for my turn, the turn that came with the promise of if I shared my time with them, and “played nice”, then they would have to do the same for me. Though many times as not the minutes, hours, days would roll by with the “if I would just wait or do one more thing” then my turn would come.
To find me all these many years later, still waiting, playing, coaching, teaching, training and being paid handsomely for those who are starting out, starting over, actually going after their dreams too, of the joy, freedom, and satisfaction that comes from being a horse owner and connecting as a partner with an animal of such immense size, ability and awareness.
The last few days of this week found me once again working with and mulling over the little app horse I have had for 6 years, which had been given to me as a kid’s because of his size. Though my initial response in handling and meeting him… was are you kidding me?? Taking all of the time possible since then, to exam him and myself for all of the accumulated lessons of fear, distrust, and fleeing, so readily discernible up until the last three years of his tendency to bolt at the slightest movement from anyone or anything. So much of that originally attributed to the large indention in the center of his head about two inches up from between his eyes where he would flinch if a hand got to close, more so on the left side where he would then lock his legs, swing his head as far as possible to the right and stand there.
I have used and tried so very many different methods that I know, have learned, have had suggested, a lot of trial and error, always making small steps toward releasing the image he has so ingrained into his habitual responses. Though on Thursday I noticed his jumping always tied into the minute either hind quarter was trapped into a space he had to pass through. Finding the story I had learned about other foals the previous owner had raised then gives away as 2 and 3 year olds and how he would push them into a squeeze shoot, fumbling with his disability from several old injuries, sometimes falling onto the horses, or off the shoot. This would then cause a horse with the desire to run, left with the only option with their feet so aptly held in the shoot to lean as hard and far as possible to the other side to escape these rough, jerky motions that left the horse with a strong fear and distaste of fences, sudden movement and human contact.
As I played with the thought in my mind, I was aware of how much I dearly love to share and teach, how much I have held back over layers of uncertainty of my rights to be in control of what I can or should be doing with my life. So I rearranged my two barrels that are used to direct a horse in, out, and around them from about six feet from the fence on one side and open on the other. Where this little horse would jump every time he came close to any opening, with a locked, raised neck and the whites of his eyes watching for any and every opportunity to escape, when I recognized he didn’t feel like he had a choice. Even though my hands were light upon the rope as I guided him through, I saw a possible new solution after half an hour with minimal relaxing or even breathing from him, of moving my saddling rail to make a temporary chute to “walk” him through. Get him into a place as small as possible that he could still walk in, walk through, walk out, slowly, then step by step for the next hour I played with him, till I felt him relax, yawn, and let go of the terror of forced enclosure. Aware of the resistance in me to trap myself into fully walking eyes wide open to my fullest dreams of and for me, completely, solidly, comfortably… asking no one if, how, why, or may I.
Amazed at the tension that left both of us about the same time, I just wanted to sit down and bawl, over all of the years of waiting for the support I thought was necessary from outside of me. And yet here it was, my imaginary fears of outside disapproval’s, when it was only me holding me back, trying to protect me from allowing all of me out… to fully live.
I love my life, my horses, my kids, my family, my friends and everything I have ever done or come in contact with. It’s all shaped me, the sharing of episodes and escapades many times helps others see that what they are attempting or afraid of, that someone like me who makes so much of what I do appear easy… has had to wade through the swamps of fears, to climb out on the rocks and logs to find the stream of life always ready to wash us off, cool and refresh us as we float along supported by the Universe in each of ours desires, dreams and passions to be fully uniquely ourselves as we learn, understand and expand to truly live our life to the fullest.
48 hours later and so many things have changed right before my very eyes… All of these illusions, deceptions, frustrations and struggles have all turned into this magical, marvelous path back in time to take a look at my story from a totally new vantage point. To find a little girl, about 5, brown small suitcase clutched tightly under her buttocks as she sits crying all the way around the block on the corner, the one furthest away from home. Sitting there, staring longingly at the opposite side of the street in this attempt to run away, but foiled by the rules of “never cross the street…alone”. Where her mother finds her a little while later asking what she is doing? The little girl wails in total loss, and humiliation “nobody loves me, no one will play with me, they always want to play with dolls, I don’t fit in, I listen, I do what I’m told, I work at playing dolls, I clean, I stayed out of the street, yet my turn to play horses never comes.” The mother comforts the child the best she can “it will all work out”, and they go back home, with the memory etched into the recesses of my mind, for me to finally find… again.
I worked on this memory a few years back when I first found EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and had thought I had cleared it, because I forgot about it. To find in the last few days of outrageous heat (in the shade it was 113 degrees) with no breezes and several horses to ride, which I did very early or very late in the day, yet I couldn’t manage to escape this feeling of being in the hot seat, under a tremendous light. So hot, so miserable, I sought relief in watching movies and large glasses of iced water and limeades. Struggling to get comfortably through to my two touchy, jumpy, horses, way too much work in all of this direct glare, till I found myself, frustrated, tired and sobbing “it’s not fair, I work so hard, and no one wants to play with me”…
Suddenly, like being slapped in the face. I found the nugget of peace I had been so determinedly seeking. This gem of information rocked me to my core. I suddenly saw the trail of relationships with others as the outsider looking in… always working, always cleaning up, fixing for others, doing the impossible, sitting outside of the lime light. With this crazy belief egging me on, that if I “worked, struggled, did whatever I was told”, I would eventually have my turn.
My past attempt to deal with the story was about being different, standing out like a sore thumb and the nobody loves me. There was no memory at that time about no one wanting to play with me. I now see how I have done all of this crazy, insane work of trying to fit in, waiting for things to work out. As my five year old mind took literally “it would all work out”. So work I have, for any and everybody, doing it all to fit in, cleaning up, fixing, repairing, paying for others to help me and even putting others first. All in the crazy belief that when all the work is done…then I can play!
To find myself with a lesson this morning, as I watched her diligently struggle with the newest information I had given her for her toolbox of ways to connect with her mount. As I listened to her berate herself over her inability to use the latest tool the right way. I threw up my hands and told her “enough, I am throwing the whole toolbox and tools idea away”, instead I now want you to look at each idea as a toy, another way for you to play with your horse, toys for your toy box.
The laughter exploded out of her chest, her whole body relaxed, the horse let out a huge sigh of relief. In that moment I saw the glint of gold in my ability to play, have fun, enjoy, pivot, dance, and revel in the joy of allowing myself to be truly paid to play and enjoy life. I have given up working, life is supposed to be fun. All in favor… come on down, the weather is cool, the breeze this evening is fantastic and the shower from the storm that blew the heat away way early Sunday morning has made the ground soft and fluffy as the grass so quickly turned soft, green and vibrant! Life is a dance, find a song and come along, find your own toys and come play!
It’s been awhile since I touched the keyboard to do anything except play and communicate with those people who touch my life and reflect back to me exactly where I am at any given moment. Which up until about 15 minutes ago… was decidedly still stuck, drilling for an answer in the same quagmire of life that I have been living and sorting through for the last seven years trying to find all of me.
This has allowed me to delve into many realms of answers, ideas, and solutions found out in the world around me, both locally and via the internet. Though as of late I could really feel that I have been basically turning over the same rock, in the same fashion, just with a slightly different twist each time as I think back over all of my writings… because each of them all point to the fact I have still been stuck. Existing, living, sharing, and progressively improving my position in life with the ever elusive goal… tantalizing and teasing me so seemingly right in front of me, only to then once again slip from my grasp.
The best part being, I am stubborn, determined and wonderfully supplied with a constant stream of horses and their owners to have a look see as to where this stuckedness is still coming from. Thankful as the money flow and communication with others has been constantly on the upswing. This has provided me with a new horse put in training 19 days ago, a young filly, just turning four, started with ground work, one saddling and once being led around with a child on her back, now to become the new mount for one of my newest students of the last two months.
The filly has been quite an interesting puzzle coming from a friend who does fantastic groundwork as evident with the last two horses of hers to grace my place. The only difference is with this mare is she expects to do exactly what she has been taught, her way, when and only as stiff and unyielding as she can be. Leading to the incident of the introduction of a rope that I looped on the saddle horn, which at the sound of hondo being tightened, she proceeded to take off bucking and running as hard and fiercely as was possible, before finally settling into a three hour trotting in full flight session.
This massive distrust of any movement away from her personal ideas of how things should be, causing her to duck, turn, and rapidly cover every foot of the pen with the rope just kept off the ground as I used it to constantly direct and redirect her. Occasionally garnering a stop, till there was any movement she spotted or heard coming from the rope still casually attached to the horn. About the time I was considering maybe I had stumbled onto a horse that I would have to physically out last (so not on my list of accomplishments) When from across the road the neighboring mare gave out a loud whinny, causing the little mare to snap her head around in the other horse’s direction as she slid to a stop to investigate.
Wonders of wonders… The sudden transformation from a determinedly possessed to wear one of us out wall-eyed in full flight, I found myself watching this horse suddenly become docile, soft, listening… as I watched what was the necessary catalyst to snap her out of her habitual fear response. Much like slapping someone in the face to get their attention when they become hysterical, allowing me to marvel now two days later as she continues to amaze me with her progress, each day doing more, easily meeting me at the gate, looking forward to the grooming, handling and riding.
This caused me yesterday to decide to tackle Freckles my small appaloosa and see if I could find the missing link that has caused him to be so stuck in his training, as it dawned on me that he too has consistent habitual freeze, don’t move, responses to many of the things asked of him, causing me to reflect on my own sense of feeling frozen in place. To find myself 32 hours later with two horses, completely and freely moving, listening and socializing with me and my training as the common denominator caught me suddenly aware of the rock I have been looking under… the rock was the answer, it’s my golden nugget. I have been looking on it, under it, around it, talking about it, just not able to see it for what it means to me and for others.
With training horses, there are two truths… either they are comfortable or their not. When they are comfortable they are great and easy to be around, if they are not there are four common reactions to their problems: fight, flight, faint or freeze. In dealing with these two animals I discovered my own life patterns staring me in the face. My fighting to be right, to be heard, to be alive or to have my life my way… My flight, running away from myself (and getting nowhere fast) doing busy work, saving and rescuing others, any dozen of excuses to run away from walking “fully” toward my dream… Freezing with cold feet, excuses, kids, trucks, weather etc. etc. And lastly fainting, sleep, drinking, eating, movies books any dozen of overindulgence’s that I have to finish or wait till I am done, before I move to the next one…( I was so taught to finish what I started)
Here today I now know my stuck habits, I have looked them in the face, discovered I am in charge of me. There is no more defining moment than to feel the freedom in catching oneself so determinedly being caught sitting on the fence, with all of these perfect reasons and plans why not to move! Why it seemed so important to figure it out… with the having to figure it out just as much as a delay factor as the rest. I feel like such a burden has been lifted off of me, as I have been smacked in the face with my own true reality, that I teach and tell others on an almost daily basis. We usually need most what we are telling to others… Imagine that!
In the last few weeks there have been lots of ideas and thoughts that have come up for me to write about… yet I couldn’t bring myself to do more than write out a few words or a phrase. Then wander off still searching for the piece/peace missing within myself.
Thankfully I have been led to the right pieces of information, new tools, profoundly inspiring speakers, videos, pictures and quotes that kept tugging at me to follow, come this way, feel this, try that, always one more little step in the direction deeper toward the very core of me. To finally find me earlier today with a massive, cleansing, downpour of much needed rain both for the extreme dryness this part of the world has been experiencing. Plus a much desired day off, from the last few weeks of 2 more horses to ride, lots of new lessons to teach and the daily am/pm bus routes, all of which has me magnificently on the plus side of my bank account.
Just tired, searching and learning to even more closely listen to every part of me, paying attention to the world that I live in for the missing link to a full, fun, loving all of my life self.
Finding a new meditation by Dr. Joe Dispenza that had me looking and feeling to find God’s love within me by searching for and through all the old taught patterns of behavior and then resolving them to suit me. Which brought many days of clarity and more peace than I have known in quite a while, through which I discovered several voices from my past causing me to all of sudden realized my entire learned programming is about victimhood.
All of the drama, the tears, all of the stories, came from families who had learned the same. Most of us teach best what we know and in reviewing the experiences of my parents childhoods, and their parents I could see the patterns handed down from generation to generation. Suddenly in a really huge moment of awakening I could see all of my struggles at the times when I was younger that I would become defiant wasn’t because I was stubborn in a bad way. It’s because I inherently knew that there was more to life than what was being told to me by very well-meaning people.
I have found in the last few weeks I now can comfortably question everything I have ever known. Finding lots of different views, ideas and thoughts to fill my toolbox with possibilities for answers in many different types of situations because like with my horse training, there are no cookie cutter answers, it is different for each and every one of us. We all have different taste, sizes, preferences and beliefs; it is this very variety that makes life a wonderful adventure and ever changing kaleidoscope to explore.
All brought down to the final moment just a little while ago when I heard in my heart the question “why do I say thank you, I love you, please, or any of the other myriad of things that come out of my mouth”. The answer that came back just floored me… I was told to! So out of habit I have been extremely polite, molded to what being kind, caring, loved, hated, or whatever word I was instructed in the way to behave or just plain be was to them as they understood it.
I found myself washing the dishes tonight after my youngest son had started supper, needed help and promised to clean up after I finished fixing the problems he was having making a new stew. As I was putting my dishes in the sink and thinking about the mess that was left, I found myself staring in wonder at all of the cleaning up we had accomplished today and in the last few weeks of both the house, the horse pens and the attitude changes. I found myself going through the dry dishes still in the strainer, putting up the clean ones and suddenly re-washing the dishes he had hurriedly done earlier in a whole new frame of mind.
I found the peace of doing them because I enjoy clean dishes, he has been helping, he has been changing, he is a human, and he deserves to start over each day just like I do. His behavior is because the only examples he has ever known he learned from a parent who taught exactly all she knew or understood up to right now. He is mirroring me as I change; I am only now learning, fully what love, much less unconditional love and many other things truly are to me.
There is so much I only thought I knew from checking in with my family, my friends, acquaintances and the world. I truly found out today the last place I ever thought to check was inside my own heart. Where God has loved me all along, waiting on me to ask for his help, to find out what fits me perfectly in any and every situation… Life is amazing!
In the few days since I last sat here to write, I have been enjoying the silence of finding and turning off the enormous ghost engine which has for years quietly been running my life. Fascinated by not only the peace and quiet that suddenly finds me at different moments in the day, but so enjoying the comfortable feel of my new found freedom of choices in changing many of my day to day routines and habits. As I become this person I always knew was locked away somewhere inside of me, scared, scarred and to intimidated to come out to venture into the light of full time view by any and everyone else.
The years of blame, frustration, and accrued misunderstanding from thinking it was always something outside of me causing my current problems. The feelings of being stuck on this eternally spinning wheel with no way to step off to walk out the door that always stood beckoning just moments or steps away. Constantly moving, shifting, and accomplishing so very many things for the pleasure and success of others, while I kept up hoping and waiting for my turn of more than the few, short durations of success. Where I would then find myself back at square one, having to start over, scratching my head and many times beating myself up over my inability to at least find a more balanced, stable place.
I have been enjoying myself, finding myself deep in meditative thought as I continue to savor the uprooting of that long time sacred belief about rules. Cleaning, riding, playing with the newest colt in training as I enjoy the ease I find in working with an animal who has no past schooling or drama to undo. Pleasurably asking, receiving, rewarding and enticing him to bigger, newer, and more expansive understanding into how to communicate with humans in his third week of training. So loving the ease of his big body, softly responding to each move he finds a comfortable, rewarded response to, as he has learned I fully well know the spot on the crest of his neck that I massage and scratch at each interval between the steps I ask for that he moves in the direction or manner of asking. Totally entertained by his willingness to show off how well he listens, with his occasional asking for the reward before I offer and his ability to then continue until I signal for the time of the reward.
Finding in the last day or so, a question from one of my readers if in my unearthing of this last layer was this all there is, as far as I might be going? As I was pondering her question I had several things all happen within the space of a few hours to bring about the answer I think she and all of us seek. When I was cleaning my kitchen floor, moving each piece of furniture and appliance, I suddenly became aware as I unearthed my son’s stack of flavoring packets stuffed behind the stove, just a few inches away from the trash can. This feeling of thankfulness and understanding I have of him as being the much needed teacher “I” created for me to understand how much of my power I have been giving away to others by blaming them for how they act toward me. I did not know I had the rights to have my own beliefs and ideas. I did not know I was in charge of my own life. The wave of appreciation flooded over me as I understood all of the upheaval, frustration and rage that I had so thought was because of what others were doing to me. I had been responsible for all along. I had all of this power to change it at any time, but had so bought into I wasn’t allowed, I wasn’t good enough. I was all of these things except powerful enough to create exactly any and everything that had, is and will happen to me.
Wow, talk about a truly clean peaceful kitchen and my insides.To then find myself once again doing a training session with the young marvel, who has now advanced to a bridle, riding inside and outside with the other horses turned loose to ride through or left in their pens. When the loose horses happened to venture near the place on the edge of the round pen where this youngster when turned out to play, they all usually exchange greetings, nips, and grooming. To find my steed completely ignoring me in his attempt to connect in this daily ritual as the two leaders came up and inquired for him up next to the pen. Which then found me for the next 5 or 10 minutes helping him to understand the difference in behavior by himself with the group, or with a human companion directing the dance, as I caused him to realize the change in dynamics, I felt a long time favorite saying, proudly pass through my head. Then abruptly caught myself when I realized what I have been telling myself all of these years and then have perfectly to the letter, been living it out.
The bells of awareness went to clanging, the signals of “change, be aware, and change this now” to then repeat slowly out loud the words… “I always have done the impossible with nothing” and “I have always waited till the last minute to get things done and then accomplish the impossible”. Knowing these phrases so perfectly describe the hamster wheel of my life acquired sometime in my youth when I discovered I could read at an incredible rate, recall almost all the information, to be able write out, complete or be tested on with absolute accuracy, to the point of being one others sought out to do their reports and stuff for cash.
It had been a great accomplishment that I had literally and figuratively taken to heart. Just not understanding or crediting myself with the power of my words in creating all of what has been an extreme roller coaster ride of having things, then back down to nothing and then amazingly have things work out.
Yes it “had” been great, it was fantastic that I survived my creations…but, I now choose to live, think, and feel more in the moment, as I discover and change the habits that are now more noticeably coming to the forefront for me to actually see, recognize and take full responsibility for, to choose, and change to whatever I now desire to have, be or become. Life is fantastic, such a wonderful playground to experience, understand, and create as I open myself up to the many differences I use to fear from the stance of thinking my life was dictated by someone or something outside of me. Instead of my connection to the Universe who created me to experience life from the perspective of me, just like I am, with my own personal dreams, desires, choices and outcomes!
I drive for a different school district than my youngest and it seems like years since I have just had a day off with no one around and just allow it to unfold. Wow and actual day off with nothing planned.So I had a great, late, lingering in bed meditation and then wandered in to check my emails, sifted through Facebook, espied “the game” figuring I would just play for five lives.
To find myself an hour and a half later caught up in the conversation going on in my head of how to accrue the needed points to get the third star. Discovering all of these tools I have for manifesting and accomplishing things, being handed to me for me to use, get the feeling of, then discard and move to the next, as fast as I could think. All the while this discussion of ideas and possibilities was going on, I noticed how not totally focused on the task at hand I truly was. I was in a dialogue with my own mind.
Which once I noticed what was going on, I could feel my body relax as if to play along with me getting my own attention all sorted out. So I took a breath and felt my gut for advice… to find this feeling of comfort and ease. My body was allowing me to let go of time, just to be here, on the computer, not really doing anything… just being in the moment. The tension of there being any importance to being anywhere, doing anything, having to accomplish something, or finish the level… all gone, as I discovered the freedom of being with myself in silence… which lasted a lot longer than I was completely aware of as I suddenly found I had done two full rounds, both with in less than500 points of my goal and lives left over.
So I quit and closed it out to go take a shower. To find all of these thoughts and ideas, once again rapidly piecing together in my mind. As I scrubbed off the early morning and I allowed the possibilities to line up in my head. Drying off to grab my camera and snap some quick images that would allow me to show in pictures the ideal description for each chapter of my book. Went to the computer with the card from my camera to download and transfer the marvelously fluid idea into it, but no matter what I did, nothing worked.
It took a full twenty minutes of the slow feeling rise of struggling to catch myself, stop, and focus elsewhere, for my eye to spy the little link thingy with my son’s card still in it. I quickly swapped it out, then fitted it in the correct slot to have the display inform me of the 45 minutes necessary to download all of the photos. I then figured how easily I could now go play with my horses, do some chores and arrange stuff for this evening, as the computer did its thing.
Fascinated with the habit of still attempting to struggle something into place because of the old thought of the time it might take. The time it takes, is the time it takes. Was further demonstrated for me when Freckles, my short horse with the scars of being pushed too hard, to fast, to roughly. Damaged, scared, and fully having had had enough of humans six years ago… walked up to me to be caught, reached his lips out to gently nuzzle my hand for a possible treat and then brought his nose around when asked to either side, just for a soft scratch between his ears. He rode like a little, cocky, I can do whatever you require of me, because I have learned if I freeze in uncertainty of what you are asking… you will slow down and let me figure it out.
I am now doing that for me. Learning to listen for when my mind becomes too full of ideas, possibilities and questions. Slowing it down, shifting its focus, allowing myself to breathe, relax, and find a place of connection between all of the parts of me.
All these pieces and tools, none of them perfect by themselves, none of them working completely alone, none of them the only answer. All of them are parts of the bigger puzzle to who I truly am. All of them worthy, different, real, or imagined… the connective pieces that allow one to be fully alive, learning, discovering, imagining, creating or just living fully in the now. I just love how much easier it all is than I was ever told or imagined. Living fully in the now…totally is amazing!
This has so been the underlying theme of the last few days for me as I am seemingly fine in the simpler task of cleaning, moving, driving, brushing, grooming and extending myself when necessary. Yet there was this decided tiredness that I sort of noticed Sunday after my e-mails and then I visited with friends. It then vanished during the two hour lesson that afternoon. Though it showed up sort of understandably right before bedtime, so I did my stretches, turned on my bed and comfortably dozed off with no lingering unanswered thoughts that needed immediate answers.
Went through my day Monday truly aware of the building heat of the much needed approaching rain, as I tended my chores, before going through my selection of horses starting with Charlie and his return to my riding lineup after re-bandaging his nicely healing wound. Noting how attentive and interested he was in being thoroughly groomed, stretched and introduced to the new patterns, which he easily maneuvered at a walk then trot, with no sign of anything, except his desire to be out doing with me instead of the just being turned out.
Move on to Gidget my little girl, who easily bent, stretched and responded to each cue with a more relaxed being-ness and ease of participation in the smaller circles and bends where I explored my ability to communicate less and less with the reins and bosal. As I continued the dance of ask, respond, ears are where? Ah, there… I received the tip of it extended back to me waiting for the next cue of any leg muscle and her quick reaction to my thoughts as we slowly progressed from a little tension in her to a softness that matched my tempo. Be it fast, slow, forward, back or sideways as we maneuvered through patches of weeds and brush and I felt the sigh of recognition that she is in tune, comfortable and listening to what I ask for.
I move from her to the little horse Freckles to find all of the same steps slowly becoming easier for him as well. Though mentally noting the few stuck places of him trying to rush to what he thought I was going to ask, till he found the comfort of just patient response always guiding and assisting him back to easy, slow…okay steps.
Finding myself with my big horse Revolver, still aware of the tenseness that begins after grooming should anyone begin any steps toward saddling, as I am on heighten awareness of the signs I have to have been missing. I add the blankets one at a time, noting his breathing, eye contact, and body stance. Then the saddle, still paying attention, knowing I am on the right track when I feel his head look away, to be quickly followed by his body starting to curve with his belly toward me, which I address when I notice he tips his ear away first. I moved my hand forward to adjust his lead rope and I am surprised to watch his eyes lock on my hand the minute it moves to proceed up past his jaw toward the bar where he is tied.
I marvel at this movement I have made hundreds of times before, which has him in a total look of discomfort and extreme panic. So for the next thirty minutes I work with nothing except the movement of my hand from my side to forward toward the rope. Incrementally waiting each time till he changes his perception of what will happen. To finally manage to cause a relaxed, comfortable horse with an old fear, now thoroughly dissected and reconstructed, allowing me to finish and have a great ride.
Monday evening then found me browsing on the computer and I went from the high of a deconstructed old problem, to the blasted much more obvious tiredness. Which found me again yesterday, moments after I finished unloading hay, feed, making the rounds, grooming, doctoring and just too exhausted to continue, acknowledging the intense heat of the approaching front and my not taking a day off from horses. Suddenly aware of feeling like I was doing way too much again, what was it I enjoyed so much about this if I was now so incredibly tired?
I went and drove, came in fixed supper, ate, and tried to read, write or just play on the computer. Even taking the time to browse the want ads, maybe a new job or another way to view mine, my life, my goals, my whatever’s. No way, I was all give out, so I stretched, said goodnight to my youngest and went to sleep with full intention of figuring this reoccurring tiredness out. As I dozed off I found myself in this half waking dream of things being decided for me by others in the first part in small stuffed uncomfortable places, and then this luxurious huge, comfortable, round bed, with thick, warm, fuzzy blankets in front of huge, perfectly laid out round stone fireplace, all of these wonderful people working and caring with me together as a team, and I dozed soundly off.
This morning I knew what was going on as I opened my emails and found the perfect letter of confirmation. Which I laughed at the title as I opened it and allowed the first sentence to register inside of me. Feeling the power of no, not now, not tomorrow, not even… I scrolled down the page and found the unsubscribe button clicked on it, followed it up with their desire to know why stating “It’s Uncomfortable” then closed the tab and deleted the email, as I felt this huge weight of indecision lift off of me.
To then have the most incredible, fun lesson with my client as I helped her to find the right feeling decisions for her and her horse on any and every question she asked or that presented itself to be worked through. As we laughed, breathed, and relaxed, several times showing her possibilities and then getting out of the way, watching, listening and encouraging whenever she got stuck and asked for help. Or when things were beginning to re-escalate and a quick reminder or my body movement from the right spot on the go, caused the two to blend and her to feel the comfort and ease. Compared to her trying to think it through. She was experiencing the feeling, the comfortable movement of connection allowing big sighs from both as they relaxed into just being a team.
The tiredness stemming from my discomfort over allowing another’s opinion to shake my ideas of believing what I desire is possible my way. My uncertainty rising to the forefront over the credentials of others with more expertise, verses my gut instinct. My body is tired of me not trusting fully in the wondrous, intelligence that resides with-in me to easily guide me on the right path for me. By truly trusting the two simple feelings: It’s either comfortable or uncomfortable. I know this is so easy, but I still have a slight scrambled bit of that old engine running about listening to others with the distinction being between their ideas/possibilities/probabilities and their opinions/shoulds/rigid/definite. I love the freedom to add stuff to my toolbox, when and how I decide it feels and fits comfortably for me!