I bless you are feeling fully present.
May the space of time you read this post in, also be time you take to breathe a little deeper. May it invite you to allow yourself to consciously receive love, from God, Source, All That Is and Me to you.
I am at peace here. My months of clearing, cleaning, and reestablishing my priorities for Me… Found me meditating, reflecting and spending many hours soaking up the time of re-discovering my true self with the joy in just being in my life and with my horses.
The first part of this year I was beginning my journey with Scoozi. With our series of starts, stops, stalls, flips and an abrupt dismount. I started to ask myself a lot of questions about what it is that “I truly do and have always wanted to do with my life”? How could I best serve in a way that is useful, unique, and true to me? In a way that felt…. right… fun and all ME!.
This time allowed me to truly look at, revise and reassess my past experiences. Finding the best way to see each memory that came to mind. Aware from my recent reminder of Wayne Dyer’s “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” A new, deeper list of self intentions was born.
Because I have become so clear in my desire to listen to my deepest dreams. To truly connect with my horses despite a very busy world of suggestions, directions, ultimatums and others ideas for me. I was able to align with my innate truth without allowing the world to distract me.
I have becoming more fluent in Horse/Human/Self connection. Aware of my old buried roots of intuitively knowing how to truly listen, feel, and connect with horses and peoples “feelings”… Because I know so thoroughly about shutting down my own personal unique ideas, for the reasoning’s from others. “Shut up, do this, wear that, because they said so.”
I have become more fluent in Self… Owning my walk, talk, looks, dreams, desires and abilities.
Supporting others by truly listening to what they hope they are saying. Versus what their bodies, inflections and words are actually communicating. Assisting them in finding their truth, their voice, their own unique signatures and styles.
I am back, and aligned with my true self. Sharing this because it’s so important to carve out time to listen to one’s heart whisper, to listen and discover… what is calling.
To recognize having a desire to learn something, to align with a cause, to start something new, or and this one is tricky – to let someone or something go…
Be brave, dear one, trust your gut…
Drop the current narrative for just a moment.
Listen… your heart is calling you.
And watch for the magic that unfolds!
All the pieces, little, big, small, short, tall, just different in some form or fashion are sorted, unraveled, and kind of organized quietly here in my mind. Years of remembering’s of other stories and understandings that were held sacred because of what I was taught and expected to believe, whether I succeeded or not. Now lay bare to be exposed to this new light of examination reflected to me in the kaleidoscope of mirrored impressions of the exact moment, in whatever frame of mind I was in that captured it to my memory. Noticing now all of the intertwined, configurations of the OPO (other people’s opinions) that so twisted me into the confused person, so lost without the confidence of any belief or idea of what was truly good, important or right for me.
This morning found me up early, from several dreams all with the same themes. They would find me driving down a road, on the wrong side of the vehicle, with passengers whose looks were askance to my sanity as I would suddenly just leave the road, to appear to be driving wildly off the path going off the hill. Just as it would seem to be certain doom, an unimagined trail would just open up to the right for us to continue on, as the scene of some unforeseen dilemma would be seen there lying in the road that my trusted intuition guided me around safely. After what seemed the third such miss, I awoke knowing I was beginning to communicate, listen, understand and finally “trust” myself.
It feels safe now to play with games, stories, puzzles, and all the tools I have found inside of me. With the biggest key or corner stone revealed, now carefully put into place. The thread of trusting myself, knowing it is okay to acknowledge and follow the day to day guidance of simply going with if it feels good, then do it. If not don’t, and if I feel myself undecided… then wait, the answer will get stronger one way or another. As I explained to my friend today, it all comes down to just like shuffling cards, if you turn up the wrong one, don’t throw it away, just add it do the discard pile. Turn the stack over, re-shuffle, and it might be in the right place for the next hand, if not just start a new game.
Trust my uniqueness to be me, to be able to follow feelings, the ones of good, bad or of uncertainty aswe always have the time of right now to choose. To wait to feel okay, to know the feeling of certainty, to wait till the seed cracks the hull open for the first smidgen of the plant to emerge. To know what we feel and honor it. To touch our skin is to feel in an external way, to feel and touch our life is to breathe, to touch all of our heart we must trust ourselves, listening to the voice in our head that feels, knows, intuits and cares about our connection… we are loved by Spirit who created each of us in our own perfect individual amazing distinct differences…
A unique 48 hours living with the feeling that I have been somehow still separated from all of me. So like many other things in my life I have been paying attention, looking around at the circumstances and allowing life to show me the mirror of my inner conflict. Which has caused an interesting stream of information to cover my buffet of life, much of this bringing up feelings, stories and situation I had been so extremely sure I had dealt with and laid them to rest till last night’s freshmen football game and the introduction to a new interested male into my life.
My horses as per usual keying me into different faucets of the scenarios before they actually came about, starting with the typical interest of another via an old internet dating site I occasionally decide to peruse. When I do, allows my ad to evidently become more current to catch the eye of the newest seekers, shown by interesting mail in my email folder, to where I went on line, read their profile, aware of the groan in my gut, and then answered it anyway. As several other things were of interest, and flirting is fun, so I sent off a quick reply. Then spent the next few hours in this place of unknown fear, as all of the hidden concerns about where I am currently at in my life, and how that might appear to another reached out and got my full attention. I was amazed, dumbfounded, and fascinated there was this much reaction to a simple query, but there it was. So I waited, felt, fretted, then talked myself into sanity of the fact that I can only deal with something when I know it exists. So I did with a few simple emails, each time checking with myself, with each word I typed, then I would send, receive and process each step accordingly.
Which led to last night’s first home game for my youngest son’s freshmen team and an interesting meeting with my older sister. We were catching up on the summer, and the her last class reunion as she told the story of one of her friend’s and how she was finally, officially, out in the open, dating the guy that everyone knew she had a thing for (evidently in my sister’s circle) so was now seeing. My entire system jumping to full alert, my mind going back to my life in high school and college, over the two guys I had such great friendship, love and admiration for…yet they did not fit my parents standards, curriculum and goals for me. So I walked away, did otherwise, always surprised when either’s picture shows up and the intense desire to know “What if?” now almost 40 years later.
So imagine my complete surprise to find one of them in my dreams, telling me he is in Mexico, he has been just now able to decide to find me, but has been kept away because he is so many things not on the list of the “right guy”. I woke up sort of puzzled as to why now, I have not dreamed of him so specifically, ever to my recollection. I went about today wondering what gives. To have several circumstances with the horses being wishy washy, finally getting them and the rider on trakc. Have several items owed for, but I do what’s right, allowing the one to pay to walk away and not ask for services rendered today. I know they will be back tomorrow, I just am so uncomfortable asking for my money, right now, today. I take this feeling of inadequacy back with me to drive, thinking and feeling for resolution…but nothing.
I come home and start looking for something to distract me, anything else other than worry for the answer which is not yet coming. Finally two internet games later, I find a game that is fast, different, and intriguing enough to fully engage my mind. I allow the answers to appear; How can another give to me if I cannot and will not give to myself. I have not allowed myself to explore the venue of relationships with another in almost three years. Because I have been successfully attracting those that fit a totally made up list over what sounded good. Based on height, occupation, mustaches, physique and the like…none of it really deep down true or what truly matters.
It’s all based on outside perception. Not a sense of feeling, the ability to know, the snapping to of my intuition to full attention, as all of my senses become aware. My very being knowing him, this long time easy feeling of friendship, this person who gets me, and I him. I do know the feeling. I have managed to do an entirely fantastic job of turning off each and every faucet that would allow me to function as all of me in this respect. I have separated myself from my biggest fan, lover, and friend…ME! I so apologize to myself for thinking I owed it to anyone to be untrue and disloyal to the most important being any one of us has the glory to know, honor and love.
Batten down the hatches, full speed ahead… I am allowing and honoring my right to have whatever and whoever it is I damn well please! 😀